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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 5, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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that verizon and other internet providers are to blame for slow speeds on video streaming. if i had the pipes and spent all the money on the pipes i would make netflix is like this -- (speaking very slowly) -- if they don't like it they can build >> controversy rocks football. a new obama scandal, this time he traded five taliban members for string cheese and a pudding pack. and my guest rock legend chrissie hynde has a miew album called "stockholm." i won't like it at first, but then i'll grow to love and identify with it.
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a study found smoking marijuana can make men infertile, if you're going to have unprotected sex. get high first. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: welcome to the report. thathank you so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i'm not surprised-- folks. i join you in your celebration.
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i know where that good feeling is rooted. because, nation, once again, if you read the papers,un that once again, it is a great day for our country in that it is a terrible day for barack obama. he is facing a firestorm of criticism after trading five high-level taliban fighters for captured bowe bergdahl. it's a scandal some are calling berg-d-ghazi. so far, it's just me, but it's going to catch on. on tuesday, at the g7 summit in poland, the president defended his actions. >> let me just make a very simple point here, and that is regardless of the circumstances, whatever those circumstances may turn out to be, we still get an measure soldier back from captivity. period. >> stephen: you can't argue
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with that. comma. or can you. question mark. of course, we want to get every american soldier back. because the tv has some questions. >> is he an american hero or a deserter? >> a member of his platoon says bergdahl left his own post ohis own volition, back in 2009. >> shortly before he walked off the base he wrote to his parents about his disillusionment with the military and his mission in afghanistan. >> hear that? this guy had grown disillusioned with the war in afghanistan. and there's only one wordinar-- 82% of americans. plus, should we be bringing this guy back when several of those who served with bergdahl charged that soldiers died searching for him? and i agree with anyone who says best way to honor their sacrifice is to never complete their mission. and now, we're also learning that bergdahl has a history of un-american behavior dating back
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to his childhood in sun valley, idaho. >> well, he apparently was into ballet. >> at the age of 16, he started taking ballet lessons at a local studio. >> i didn't know until today that he took ballet. how long did he do that? >> he started taking ballet when he was about 17 and continued taking it until he was 22, 23. >> stephen: yes, long before bergdahl's time with the taliban militia, he spent years in the hand of another radical group, the sugarplum fairies. and fox news' dr. keith ablow knows what it means when a man does ballet. >> the fact that he was a dancer and a lifter-- not a weightlifter, but he would i guess lift up-- >> the ball rina. >> what does that mean? >> i think front and center on any stage is this guy's m.o., unless it doesn't feed him narcissistically. you can't give him a job unless you're going to tell him you're the star and we're going to keep you at a throttle of 12 out of
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10. >> stephen: that's why he was disillusioned the mission in afghanistan-- it lacked the full-throttle intensity of the sun valley,ideo ballet school. just to recap-- deserter. endangered soldiers' lives. skipped around inatitis. aaaaand... i'm forgetting something. >> the father with the beard. >> stephen: dad, beard. dad beard. bad dad. baghdad. coincidence it's a different country, we mee doth think he beards too much. we'll have more on this story as information becomes available which i hope is never because right now i'm in the sweet spot between complete ignorance and righteous indignation. pretty great. information, the "new york times" is now reporting there were fixed so, matches leading up to the 2010 world cup, but i don't believe that sock ser fixed because nothing can fix
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that game. this is the "spor-report." ( cheers and applause ) first, when it comes to international sport no one takes it more seriously than our enemies in north korea. to them, every game is "the hunger games." and now, their athletes could become kim jong un-beatable. >> a new sports drink is claiming to enhance physical ability and speed recovery and it's all due to the miracle ingredient-- mushroom fungus. >> north korean scientists say the drink is very effective. >> stephen: yeah, north korea has developed a mushroom-based sports drink, which brings me to the first-ever installment of "spor-report." where athletes--
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( applause ) where athletes and fungus come together and for once, not in their jocks. according to the korean central news agency, d.p.r.k. scientists have "succeeded in finding the way to cultivate mushroom fungus and made a functional drink. this natural drink is very effective in enhancing the physical abilities of sports persons and recovering from their fatigue." enhancing sports persons and recovering from fatigue. that is a one-two punching we can't be in competition for. more proof north korea is shii-taking this program seriously? look at this photo of kim jong-un. it's hard to say where the mushrooms begin and his hair cut ends. one company has a mushroom-based sports drink-- it's campbell's. their cream of mushroom super-delegate really helps replenish your body's natural
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soup. campbell's, if you're smart, you'll rename the thirst quencher, campbell's new sport-o-bellow. that smells like victory, and a little like a freshly dug grave. second, folks, i love football. i d.v.r. every game, and so do the players because it's the only way they can remember what happened. that's why i'm so disgusted by the betrayal can you remember playing out in the nfl where over 500 former players have joined a lawsuit against the league that made them famous and drug adictd invalids gee, a new lawsuit alleges nfl teams and their doctors knowingly gave players an array of prescription drugs and pain killers for years and years without any regard for the long-term damage. >> former football plaishz by the hundreds claim the league illegally drugged them to make sure they could stay in the game. in many cases did not even tell them what was wrong with them.
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>> our players were shot up like cattle. they were brought to market, and then discarded like pieces of meat. >> stephen: what an exaggeration. america's cattle are given far fewer drugs. and oh, what wonderful pain killing drugs they were. it was like willy wonka and the ever-lasting throb stuffers. not only did you have percodan, percocet, vied din, but also ambien. so if you ever thought the jets looked like they were asleep out there, you're right. what really saddens me-- ( cheers and applause ) you fans of the jets or narcotics out here tonight? what really saddens me, folks, is three of the plaintiffs are members of my beloved 1985 super bowl champion chicago bears who we should have known were jookd something when they made this.
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>> stephen: how could you suit nfl? you gave your word pup weren't here to start no trouble. next, finally, the olympics. folks, the summer games are just two years away in rio de janeiro, the perfect city to carry on the spirit of the first olympics because everyone there is already oiled up and naked. ( laughter ) and, folks, excitement is building in rio. in fact, that might be the only thing that's building. >> host city rio de janeiro is so far behind in its preparations. >> the project is facing unprecedented delays. >> roads going nowhere, unfinished stands. and an awful lot of construction work still to do. >> the top olympics official is slamming preparations for the 2016 games in rio, calling them the worst he's experienced in nearly 40 years.
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>> stephen: the worst ever experienced. and that is saying something because there are still some olympic athletes trapped in their sochi hotel bathrooms. but, folks, there is one event that will be more affected by the delays than any other-- sailing. because rio's gaanabarra bay is so filled with raw sewage and garbage, that one sailor's dinghy crashed into what he believed was a partly submerged sofa. and another one encountered human corpses on four occasions while sailing in the bay. four corpses, folks. that's bad. the sofa only holds three. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ♪ ♪fame, makes a man take things over♪ ♪fame, lets him loose, hard to swallow♪
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♪fame, puts you there where things are hollow♪ the evolution of luxury continues. the next generation 2015 escalade. ♪fame honestly, the off-season isn't i've got a lot to do. that's why i got my surface. it's great for watching game film and drawing up plays. it's got onenote, so i can stay on top of my to-do list, which has been absolutely absurd since the big game. with skype, it's just really easy to stay in touch with the kids i work with. alright, russell you are good to go! alright, fellas. alright, russ. back to work!
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hey, long time... thank you. here's to that friend you've known since forever. the one who's been through it all with you. from playoff wins... to girlfriends lost. a guy you know better than anyone. even if you've never called him by his real name. hey, dad. buddy.
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bunch" >> thanks so much. welcome back, everybody. thanks. folks, folks, check your calendars because you want to know that the 2016 election is right around the corner and i have four questions? who will run? who the parties nominate? should i have said whom will they nominate? when does one use the objective pronoun form of "who?" have i gotten off topic? , of course, the question karl rove wants everyone asking is
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whether democratic front-runner hillary clinton is too old and infirm to be president. >> karl rove suggested hillary clinton may have brain damage. >> look, she'll be 69 by the time of the 2016 election. she will be 77 if she serves two terms. >> stephen: let me check the math there. okay, yeah, okay, i have 69 straws in one hand, and let me get-- let me get eight more straws. yeah, yeah, that really feels like a grasping at a lot of straws. ( laughter ) ( applause ) well, yesterday, yesterday, one eagle-eyed journalist cast further doubts about hillary clinton's advanced dereppitude. >> hillary clinton's recent cover shoot for "people" is raising a lot of eyebrows. >> drudge reported tweeted, "is clinton holding a walker?" >> stephen: that's a fair and reasonable question. i do not doubt for a second that if hillary clinton used a
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walker, she'd insist on appearing with it on the cover of "people" magazine. no surprise, information, hillary huggers people flew into damage control releasing this statement. "secretary clinton is standing next to a patio chair. of or as doctors call it a stationery pool-side jazzy. and drudge didn't mention ride of right beside clinton right there is an announcement that alice from the "brady bunch" die. coincidence, or did hillary clinton beat her to death with her walker? ( applause ). ( cheers ) i don't know why clinton sat for these geriatric photos. she should follow reagan's example and only pose for youthful shots like this one. no, jimmy. i said the shot of ronald
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reagan, not justin bieber. what? that's him? oh, i see. fresh gipp-dog. the point is, folks, this "people" issue is incredibly damaging for clinton. i just cannot wait to see how conservatives react to her latest press conference. oh, my god. she's still going to win. we'll be right back. when francois thibault said he was going to make vodka in cognac, with spring water and the best french wheat. everyone here said... non, non!
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but little by little, the world got to love what he had made. grey goose, francois? the extraordinary belongs to those who make it. after the rxbox, on life time, i've been, busy. so i look forward to my downtime. xbox, go to titanfall. this is insane. check this out xbox, snap tv. it does two things at once so i can play games while i watch my favorite shows at the same time. whoa. xbox, record that. i just wish i had more time to play yo.
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xbox one now starting at $399. you walked into the hotel as a "5" but when she saw the room... you turned into a weird "7". when she saw the roof-top pool... you went to: "11" ♪ you two should probably get a room... oh that's right! you already did. at planet earth's number one accomodation site... booking.yeah!
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: my guest tonight a rock 'n' roll hall of famer. please welcome chrissie hynde. thanks so much for coming on. nice to have you on. >> thank you. >> stephen: i'm a big fan. was i right about that? do you like dogs? >> they're okay. >> stephen: the people who may be the i didn't thinkest of the youngsters out there, and don't know you're the leader of the legendary pretenders. >> yeah ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: indelible rock
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'n' roll classics, "nova road" "back on the chain gang." >> and many, many more. >> stephen: and all yours for $9.99. you've been honored so many times. the rock 'n' roll hall of fame was that a huge deal for to you get in there? >> i guess. >> stephen: can i say that's very rock 'n' roll of you to react that way. you're from ohio-- >> it's kind of sort of an establishment thing. that's not really why i got in the game. so. >> stephen: it's an award. aren't the awards what we're in this for. >> a lot of people are. >> stephen: the work is nice, but if you don't get an award for it, all you have is what you created. >> that's a fair way of looking at it. >> stephen: thank you. >> my dad was very proud of his bowling trophies, so i have to respect that. >> stephen: was he good? >> he was good, yeah. >> stephen: did he ever go pro? >> not really, no. he could have. >> stephen: sad story. ( laughter )
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you're from ohio. akron, right? >> yes. >> stephen: we've had on devo. friends of yours. we had the the black keys, all from akron. what is it about akron that makes people rock so hard? >> well, you know, we were the rubber capital of the world. >> stephen: uh-huh. is it the fumes that got to you? >> it was-- well, no, we also had the quaker oats silos there. you had the best of both. >> stephen: you're very regular. you ever-- >> are you trying to flirt with me? ( laughter ). >> stephen: a little bit. >> all right. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: can i get to the beef i've got with you? >> yes. >> stephen: you have been-- you're from the heartland of america. >> one of the original 13 states, yes. >> stephen: why have you been in england for four years? why have you rejected lady
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liberty to live under the tyranny of a queen? >> well,un, i have my band there. giwhere the music is. i'm sort of have band will travel and that's where they live. >> stephen: so you're a mercenary-- >> yes. >> stephen: and you don't care what country you're in. >> i'm eye citizen of the world. i'm a hippie, man. >> stephen: oh, really. well, hippie-dippy. would you please do a song for us? >> do you come on to all your guests like this? ( laughter ). >> stephen: not all of them. not all of them. i gotta say, not all of them show this much skin. just and you michael skypes. iggy did. are you going by any chance tear your top off and wrestle around on the stage? >> well. >> don't know. how much time have you got? let's figure that out. >> stephen: we might be out for a long commercial break. so stick around. beebt of we'll be right back with a performance by chrissie hynde.
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what art thou drinking isaac? giveth me a redd's apple ale! gravity! what's that? i have no idea. redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like an ale.
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honestly, the off-season isn't i've got a lot to do. that's why i got my surface. it's great for watching game film and drawing up plays. it's got onenote, so i can stay on top of my to-do list, which has been absolutely absurd since the big game. with skype, it's just really easy to stay in touch with the kids i work with. alright, russell you are good to go! alright, fellas. alright, russ. back to work!
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judge. >> stephen: and now ainatis ainatist-- native of the 17th state of the union, here to perform a song after her new ambum, "stockholm." ladies and gentlemen, chrissie hynde. ♪ ♪ ♪ baby got your groove back another kind of life ♪ one you think that you deserve ♪ nothing you should lack now reverting back to type ♪ never mind you lost your nerve ♪ yeah you had a go at sleeping in the van ♪ but you couldn't let it go too far ♪ now you've got a pension plan and your name's on the insurance ♪ and you can drive another woman's car
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♪ a kind of glamour you can lend yourself ♪ like dark sunglasses ♪ you'll remember how good it tasted ♪ inside the ruling classes wasted ♪ behind your dark sunglasses ♪ she's got a ball gown for charities and such ♪ like a debutant from days gone by ♪ shave and wear a tie it isn't sacrificing much ♪ lucky guy you can still get high ♪ yes sir, no sir, sunday we'll be there ♪ you only have to please that lady ♪ think anything you like, but be careful what you say ♪ for another warm night another dry day ♪ a kind of glamour you can lend yourself ♪ like dark sunglasses
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♪ you'll remember how good it tasted ♪ the ruling class is wasted ♪ behind your dark sunglasses ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm not towing the line you'll be fine ♪ i'm not towing the line ♪ ♪ ♪ a kind of glamour you can lend yourself ♪ like dark sunglasses ♪ you'll remember how good it tasted ♪ the ruling classes ♪ a kind of glamour you can lend yourself ♪ like dark sunglasses ♪ you'll remember how good it
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tasted ♪ inside the ruling classes wasted ♪ behind your dark sunglasses ♪ wasted behind your dark sunglasses ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: chrissie hynde. "stockholm." good night. red by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh if it is 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on today. >> the nba finals started tonight and because it's also throwback thursday we thought we'd celebrate with a look back at the league's i ill uh lustrous past. the geniuses over at