Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 9, 2014 7:25pm-7:57pm PDT

7:25 pm
media access group at wgbh uncer: june 3rd. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to the show. i'm jon stewart. man, do we have a good show tonight. my guest tonight on this very night we have -- you want to hear this. my guest tonight is richard gervais. he is a comedian of note from the united kingdom. very exciting.
7:26 pm
first very big story broke concerning our now teenage war in afghanistan. teenage years are tough for everybody especially wars. let's see what happened. >> breaking news a good news story u.s. army sergeant bowe bergdahl who has been in captivity in afghanstan for about five years was released by the taliban. >> across the board this is a magnificent wonderful story. >> jon: yes, this sounds like the perfect time for a brand new segment "a magnificent wonderful story." [cheers and applause] >> jon: you know it's so rare. this is why it's so amazing. it's so rare america gets a story like this, magnificent and wonderful. if it's okay with everyone here i think we should ride this patriot train to [beep]
7:27 pm
junction. >> everyone is rejoicing he's safe. going home to his parents. it's a complicated case. >> jon: it's a magnificent wonderful story. what complicated. america rules. we got our last p.o.w. back. did you not see the blue bird? >> i got this, phil. >> jon: complicated how? >> the obama administration is standing by it's administration to release five senior members from guantanamo bay for a exchange of bergdahl. >> i don't think they got a good deal. >> jon: was a scarier picture. what, we don't negotiate with terrorists. saying we don't negotiate with terrorists is our opening line. we are not negotiating with you, terrorists. your response is. that's pathetic.
7:28 pm
this argument is a cliche. you wouldn't catch the administration countering with a cliche. >> the united states does not leave our men and women behind in uniform. >> jon: touche, cliche. alright. let's do. this. >> we don't negotiate with terrorists. >> we leave no one behind. >> you do not negotiate with terrorists. >> you never leave a man behind. >> we don't negotiate with terrorists. >> a good soldier never leaves a man behind. >> jon: you know, the only way -- the only way to really
7:29 pm
way -- the only way to end a cliche-off is to gree to disagree. alright a magnificent wonderful complicated story. happy? can we get back to it and enjoy the shining moment for our nation. >> all of the early joy and celebration of bergdahl's release has been clouded over several growing controverse >> jon: several. we negotiated with terrorism. >> did the president break the law? >> do you believe the president has endangered the country. >> is this a impeachable defense? >> jon: alright. a magnificent wonderful complicated story. that's it. it's only been a day and a half. are we forgetting the real american hero here. the american hero who persevered in a taliban camp. >> it's the question many want the answer too. exactly who is sergeant bowe bergdahl. >> jon: oh, bergdahl.
7:30 pm
the purposeful miss pronunciation to make it sound arabic is not purposeful. he is not an ass-hole right. why would he do that. maybe there is something we don't know. >> he wandered off on his own. >> some call him a deserter. >> some call him a coward and even a traitor. >> jon: this was suppose to be our moment. turns out it's our magnificent wonderful story, cloudy, complicated and maybe treasonist. fine it's complicated. don't need to make a big deal. the white house is not bringing out the rose garden with the
7:31 pm
parents, with an i killed bin laden moment. president: bob, janny to, day families across america share in the joy i know you feel. [beep] >> jon: i am not an expert on press conferences or american reactions to things. my guess is that prisoner's dad will not go unremarked on. >> robert bergdahl, the father has learned to speak pasto and look like a muslim. >> he grew the beard because his son is in captivity. his son is out now. if you don't want to look like a member of the taliban you don't have to look like a member of the taliban. are you out of razors. >> jon: that got ugly pretty fast.
7:32 pm
you to judge a guy if he thinks it helps to get his son back. i don't want to talk about facial hair but if you gave bob bergdahl a bandanna and a duck would you like him just fine. how did this happen? how did this happen? [ applause ] >> jon: how did a simple clear cut story of american heroism in a war get complicated. oh right. it's a war. that's weird. three days ago this was going to be a great [beep] movie. now i couldn't sell this to lifetime with alyssa malano. it's been three days, remember. >> breaking news. a good news story. >> a magnificent wonderful story. >> we negotiated with terrorists. >> the taliban dream team. >> they're getting back in the
7:33 pm
fight. >> did president obama break the law? >> yes. >> words like "bowe bergdahl isn't a hero ." >> he said i'm ashamed to be american. >> new evidence he may of been helping the enemy. >> jon: we will be right back. >> jon: we will be right back. [ applause ] ♪ >> jon: we will be right back. [ applause ] ♪ it's like dressy,but not to skirt or dress. ♪ i will open this thing. hi everybody. ♪ that is the coolest thing i've ever seen. i'm at page 111 and it's a super big book. ♪ more brake. more brake! brake! put your foot back on the brake. ok.
7:34 pm
this is amazing! i got my driver's license! i'm getting my braces off! ♪ ♪ which actually gives us 36. ♪ looking sharp, brother. ♪ okay,ready. ♪ ♪ i got a job! ♪ oh my god! baby you did it! i got accepted? what do you say? yes! ♪ ♪ ♪
7:35 pm
♪ stuck in a contract ? switch to t-mobile we'll pay your early termination fees so you can get the galaxy s 5 for $0 down right now! ♪ brewed for more this ispirited nights.tune. it's undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. you might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. miller fortune. your fortune awaits. have to leave the couch to believe. seize the summer with up to 40% off hotels from travelocity.
7:36 pm
7:37 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. the presidential election a mere 888 days away. there is one question many people are asking? >> the people have asked me this same question. that is are you going to run again for president of the united states. [laughing] >> jon: it makes sense people would ask. you know, people, if you do run have a lot of plans to make like moving themselves and their families out of the country. so, what do you say to the people who are asking? >> my answer is honestly this. i do not know what the future
7:38 pm
holds, but i know who holds the future. that's god almighty. [laughing] >> jon: so you will run? but only if god says to. going for the gentlema gentleme. i hope god tells you too. i would like that very much. >> he's the president of -- >> jon: that's one of the reasons i would like that. >> 9-9-9. >> jon: ya 9-9-9. that's another solid reason.
7:39 pm
>> these words came from the pokemon movie. >> oh, shucky ducky. >> jon: i love it let me say this. it is imperative that this man run for president. like he said only god can tell him to do that. so, uhhh. calls for desperate measures. god, meet me at camera three, please. are you there, god? hello, it's me. jon stewart. you may have it in your roll dex. i don't know the form you want. that name, new testament, old
7:40 pm
testament. it's been awhile since you and i talked about the bar mitzvah checks cleared i kind of got out of the business. i hear you're big on forgiveness. here goes nothing. our lord who aren't in heaven -- i have to have this. amen. so, does that do it? do i have to throw in a offering, lamb shank? build an arch out of lamb shanks? have you seen "book of mormon"? i can get you tickets for 2017. it's a popular show. this won't work. i'm a jew on cable. i celebrate passover with a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich every year. god isn't going to work his magic to convince her man cane
7:41 pm
for president -- herman cain. god has something to say to you. >> come out clean on the other side. >> jon: you don't have to do that last part, but run for president. please. we will be right back.
7:42 pm
♪ touch down... every morning... ten times! not just... now and then. once more on the rise... nuts to the flabby guys! go, you chicken fat, go away! go, you chicken fat, go!
7:43 pm
run, two, run (running) (like a tortoise) okay! (too far, and too slow.) now double up, ready! run two three four... (running) run two three four... (like a hare) run two three four... ow you are) run two three four... etting there) n two three four... . o you) are) run two three four... n two three four... (chicken fat,) n twerybody sing!.. . o away!)re) , you chicken fat, go! go! go! go! dismissed! [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, come on this guy is the best. his netflix series "derek" has returned for a second season. take a look. >> i ain't got a phone. >> i did it this morning, actually. you are@ mr.derek -- >> okay. >> whatever you want to say put it out.
7:44 pm
there. >> derek says. >> that could be your hashtag. >> what is that? >> it looks like that. if you put that before dereksays everyone can follow it. >> #dereksays. >> what do you want to say? >> be nice to animals. >> say it. >> yes. >> send. >> jon: i can respect that. please welcome back to the program, ricky gervais. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to the show. let me say something. let me welcome you properly. welcome, we haven't seen you in awhile. >> thank you. >> jon: let me say this. we have had a relationship for many years. we know each other very well.
7:45 pm
i'm always honest with you. >> ya. >> jon: you like like [beep]. i say that -- there have been times you come on the program and i say i tk*epbt didn't know we were having tom cruise on tonight. this isn't one of those times i don't know what happened. >> i feel [beep] >. >> jon: ya. >> trying to work out. i worked out. lost weight. i'm basically a fat guy at heart. it's killing me. >> jon: caught up with you. >> keeping fit kills me. i eat pizza and get drunk every night. then i have to go for a run in the morning like rocky. it kills me. i try to beat the system, right. now i'm, i'm working out more and more. so my shoulders and my knees are gone. my inside -- i wake up in the morning and say oh, i didn't die. you know what i mean. i go through it again. i eat. you know i work out. i think i'm working out and
7:46 pm
thinking beer, pizza. rewards. you know what i mean. >> jon: to you, death at this point would be blessed relief. >> sort of. sort of. i don't want -- >> jon: do you have a plan on that? >> no. >> jon: is there a glorious way that ricky gervais would like to go out? >> no. >> jon: do you want to go out in a blaze of glory. >> i have a list of things i don't want to do. i don't want to die being squashed by a safe or anything. >> jon: a road runner cartoon. >> you know running in a tunnel and coming out on a train or sitting on a spike. nobody at a funeral -- they would laugh at me falling on a spike or something. >> jon: don't you think as a comedian you owe it to your audience to go out in a blaze of hilarious. >> it was a terrible story in england. college students got drunk, they
7:47 pm
were mooning trucks. one got hit and killed. what do you tell his mother. he died of a bad sense of humor. >> jon: ya. >> humor karma came back. ya, you know -- >> jon: pants down, ass out. that's the way to go to some extent. >> especially if you are music. >> jon: pants down asses out. one, two, three, four. we open in four days, people. >> jon stewart change of direction. >> jon: you're at an age -- >> we're about the same, aren't we? >> jon: ummmm. >> what do you mean? i'm 52. what are you. >> jon: i'm talking about biologically. >> what age is there biological -- what weird cosmic system. i'm only three -- 51 is 51. how many times. how many times did the earth go
7:48 pm
around the sun since you were born. >> jon: you and your outer core is like 52. you're like a german shepherd inside aging 7 years over every year, on the inside. >> i foal that. mate, we weren't met to live this long. >> jon: what. >> evolutionary speaking. elders lose their teeth, they feed us a bit. we get hit by a wild bore and die in a hut. >> jon: let me tell you something. that's the way to go out. wild bore, hut, pants down. >> science comes around, we can help him live to a 100 years. let me die. that's what i'm saying. that's weird. >> jon: that is weird. why are you in the bucket? >> that's the way i want to go. >> jon: you want to go -- >> i want to be in a bucket. people feed me. nurses -- wouldn't that be
7:49 pm
great. sitting in the bucket watching telly. neighboringd in a bucket. i eat as much pizza and drink as much beer. then they tip me out. that's -- that's a great [beep] life. that's a great life. >> jon: if you, if you literally die in a bucket. >> yes. >> jon: don't you think that's too literal. what did he do? he kicked the bucket. it's not -- it's too literal. >> you can just fill it up with soil and plant. >> jon: do you have any hope of consciousness. what about this. >> go on. >> jon: what if they could download you just your thoughts, not this. what if they could keep you alive in a kind of -- >> computer. >> jon: -- animated, yes. you are aware like a robot warrior but ricky gervais and your thoughts.
7:50 pm
would you want that. >> hold on. no. what if they could do that and you thought you were still alive. you were in virtual reality. you thought had you the best life ever. you went on forever. you thought that was yate. you're doing all of those things. you're fighting people. you get, what did you say? >> jon: yes. >> wild bores. the virtual bucket. yes i would be virtually in the bucket. i still -- i'm going for the bucket, always. i would always go for the bucket. >> jon: i believe. >> this is -- >> don: >> we talked about shagging pandas. >> jon: no, this is not weird. i believe we have framed not only your death but autobiography. "ricky gervais, i will always go for the bucket." done.
7:51 pm
i'm happy to settle it for you. the second season of "derek." the second season is on netflix, right. >> it is. >> jon: it's on netflix. ricky gervais, we will be right back. [ male announcer ] doritos jacked are big. bigger than a giant el camino on monster tires. and bolder than taking that behemoth and breaking the world bus-jumping record by 2 1/2 buses. [ screaming ] [ screaming ] [ male announcer ] and they're crunchy. [ engine revs ] crunchier than driving through a fine china shop that sells professional-grade fireworks out of the back. ♪ doritos jacked. bigger. bolder. thicker.
7:52 pm
there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water and castles were houses dragons lurked giants stood tall and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real avo: whatever you can imagine, all in one place expedia, find yours in all its naked glory; that's too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. a payday bar will get you through your day. expose yourself to payday.
7:53 pm
boring! yeah! ♪ if you want to see old faithful ♪ ♪ don't be such a couch potato ♪ ♪ yeah just go check out the thing for yourself ♪ highlander! ♪ we ain't got no room for boring ♪ ♪ ferdy gerdy ferdy ger boom! [ cluck, cluck ] ♪ no, we ain't got no room ♪ for boring ♪ for boring, we ain't got no room ♪ ahh! [ male announcer ] the 2014 highlander. toyota. let's go places. oh no they've put up a sign. capital letters mean business. or maybe that's nature's way of weeding out the timid. your fortune awaits.
7:54 pm
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it goes. >> berg dog sprouted a beard. the long lost soldier was
7:55 pm
retraoefz. why did the guy go missing in the first place? change of heart, was he worki ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪
7:56 pm
newscaster: we now go live to our eye-in-the-sky hovercopter on the scene of that terrible hovercopter crash. jim? the news is not good. i've just learned that my final words were "back to you, linda." (laughs) one for the blooper reel. oh, the news is so violent. let's watch rachael ray instead. oh, no, wait, there might be chopping. god, what a wuss. stop being such a spineless jellyfish. you know full well i am more closely related to the sea cucumber. not where it counts. (whimpers) i hated jim! in other news, our city's filthy, urine-soaked walls have been desecrated by a mysterious tile-work graffiti artist. police have no leads as to who's behind this innovative scourge of public art. (chuckling)