Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 16, 2014 6:53pm-7:26pm PDT

6:53 pm
>> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheering and applause] nation, thank you for joining us in the studio, out there at home. i want to speak to our viewers watching at home. please, nation, don't make any sudden moves, because you're currently in danger of a soulless enemy that wants you dead, and this time i don't mean your cat. i'm talking about technology. because the machines that we trust are about to turn on us. >> for the first time ever, a computer program has passed the iconic touring test, fooling people basically into thinking it's a human. >> computers can now pass for humans. kiss your loved one good-bye and unplug your home len reason -- electronics, assuming you can still tell them apart, because, folks, this computer managed to fool 33% of human questioners by disguising itself as a 13-year-old boy, which makes
6:54 pm
sense if you think about it. like a teenage boy, a computer sleeps a lot and spends all day on the internet. now the robo-lution is upon us and cannot be stopped. it's a classic tale of humans creating the very thing that will destroy us, just like the romans did when they invented gay people. [laughter] jesus tried to warn them. that's why they crucified him, just to keep him quiet. look it up. you won't find it in the bible because it worked. it was the next thing he was going to talk about. folks, this is just the beginning. because according to the latest report by me, this onslaught of artificial intelligence cyborgs is about to get even more dangerous. >> america, once the home of the brave and the land of the free, now it's the home of the activist crying, "what about me, me, me." >> what do we want?
6:55 pm
>> equality. >> when do we want it? >> now. >> therefore we must have gender equality, race equality, income equality, everything equality or it's not fair. >> stephen: now in this small vice vermonttown, we found the most frightening activist of all. >> my name is dina. >> stephen: don't let the smile fool you. that's not a real woman. that's a robot. >> i think i'm human. i think, therefore i am. >> stephen: what you am, ma'am, is the enemy within. [gunfire] the little town of lincoln, vermont, has a new resident. >> hi. nice to see you. >> stephen: hi. how's it going. wait, no. >> all right. now don't get excited.
6:56 pm
>> stephen: dammit. she got me. she just seemed so real. >> okay. i can tell you're a little unsettled. don't worry. everything will be fine. >> stephen: that's what she'd like do you believe, but this robot has an agenda. >> i think i already have to worry about how the protect my safety at this time. >> stephen: that's right. equality for robots. where did this android activist get her radical ideas? from her creator. >> i'm a biotechnologist. i'm also very interested in cyberconsciousness and ultimately in human rights for cyber conscious people. >> martin is the inventer of sirius satellite radio, ga jill jill -- gagillionaire entrepreneur and... >> i'm transgender woman.
6:57 pm
>> she's a woman, and the woman sitting next to her is her wife. uncany. the robot cyst perfectly captured her command of casual accessories. these ladies are the minority masterminds behind program to upload the thought, memories and reliefs of real humans into android bodies. >> their goal is to make a robot conscious. >> it's all happening through their secret organization cawrld the terrorism movement foundation. >> no. >> stephen: sounds a lot like terrorism. >>able to way you say it. >> stephen: right, terrorism. >> no, it's terasem. >> however you spell "terrorism," it's terrifying, because this billionaire transgender woman has created one seriously scary super minority, a black lesbian robot. >> i don't think it matters or it doesn't matter. >> stephen: oh, it matters, because we've always nobody that
6:58 pm
robots are soulless killing machines. but now they come fully uploaded with centuries of minority rage and resentment. >> guilty, guilty, damn, they are guilty. >> stephen: now we're all doomed. just ask professor of philosophy of science and known european massimo seen here walking in the future. >> one can imagine that an upload mind would not feel emotions. we've created a race of super powerful, super intelligent, immortals. >> stephen: and then... >> and then all hell breaks loose. >> stephen: all hell. because "the colbert report" has discovered footage that proves she's not just a black lesbian psychopathic cyborg... >> spairn speaking german] >> stephen: she's a robo-nazi.
6:59 pm
but who, you ask, would be naive enough to fall for the charms of black, lesbian, nazi robot? weak-mind vermonters. >> i think she's beautiful. >> i think she's gorgeous. >> you're really kind. >> thank you. >> we have plenty of white males in the world and something different, especially here in vermont, is a nice touch. >> >> stephen: if by touch you mean an iron fist crushing the human race. tell him, science guy. >> it is possible we will see the uprising of an army of robots who are black, lesbian and psychopathic. i suppose it is. i seriously doubt it's going to happen. it's going to happen. it's going to happen. >> stephen: you heard his echo. it's going to happen. and dina is mobilizing. >> you must side with the robot liberation army when the day comes. okay. okay. good. >> and make no mistake. that day is coming. >> newsreel of the future. the robot civil rights movement
7:00 pm
marches on thanks to android activist rosa rosa sparks. >> robot's got to go to the back of the bus. >> we shall overcome, overcome, overcome... >> don't let the future happen to you. vigilance. >> i was wrong to fear robots. everything is fine. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] (school bell ringing...) the 2014 chevy equinox comes with great features... usb connectivity, so you can enjoy your favorite music. mom! mom! mom! mom! mom! mom! hi mom. and a multi-flex sliding rear seat, for your passenger's comfort and your own. start your summer off right and get this 2014 chevy equinox ls
7:01 pm
for around $199 per month. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. ♪ brewed for more this ispirited nights.tune. it's undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish.
7:02 pm
you might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. miller fortune. your fortune awaits. berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot. ...really changes your water. it changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. squirt some.
7:03 pm
it chhey you won't believe how much good stuff is in the pizza hut dinner box and you won't believe the price. t a pizza, 5 breadsticks, and 10 cinnamon sticks that's 17 bucks worth of food! for $8.99 when you carry out. but ycan believe it, because i'm telling you it's true. and i'm a celebrity! >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. you know, when it comes to the world of sports, everybody always talks about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat, but nobody ever mentions the "meh" of a tie. this is the sport report. [cheering and applause]
7:04 pm
first up, first up, nation, i love watching football, or football's not available, the jacksonville jaguars, team that's won only 11 games in the last three years but has a bold new plan to put butts in the seats by taking out the seats. >> the jacksonville jaguars' fans will be able to watch game this season sitting in a swimming pool. while the team was upgrading the stadium. they had a brilliant idea. >> they added two pools along with 16 cabanas. >> stephen: yes, pools, the perfect place to kick back and watch a football game, at least until they put ham mocks between the uprights. don't worry about getting hit by field goals, because again, it's the jaguars. now, the cabana package...
7:05 pm
[cheering and applause] a lot of jaguar fans here tonight. the cabana package costs a mere $12,500 per game, includes 50 tickets and is all you can eat and drink, of course, you will have to wait an hour after eating before getting into the pool, but once you do, drink all the beer you want because you're already in the bathroom. naturally this bold plan raises a lot of questions, like why? and really, why? the team's senior vice president of sales explains, we wanted to take areas in our stadium that were underperforming and get creative. pools are a good start, but they should also tackle the stadium's most underperforming area, that green liney space in the middle. let's get creative in there. you know what, maybe, maybe put a professional sports team on that thing.
7:06 pm
and the new plan also calls for the world's largest h.g. led video screens, which will be showing a constant stream of the nfl red zone feed, so fans can watch the jaguars while keeping up with the rest of the league or tracking their fantasy team. which for jaguar fans is any other team. [laughter] next up on the sport report, hockey. or as some call it, ice soccer. or as i call it, cold boring. [laughter] the new york rangers and the l.a. kings are battling it out in the stanley cup finals. as always... [cheering and applause] >> yeah. as always, my money's on the canadian team, but the real competition here is between the governors who traditionally bet something from the team's home state. in this case, it's california's governor jerry brown versus new york's governor andrew cuomo. and that got a lot riding on this series. >> if the rangers celebrate like
7:07 pm
they did in the last round, california governor jerry brown will send andrew cuomo a box of california organic race cakes. "stephen colbert's fallback position: astronaut" and -- >> stephen: and boom go the rice cakes. new york could win, and for flavor, governor brown is mailing it in a box filled with delicious packing peanuts. i for one played the governor's choice of organic rice cakes. the only thing more stair typically jerry brown california, he could have wagered, could have been a wind chime made out of recycled one-hitters. but the stakes, folks, the stakes get even higher if new york loses. >> if the kings win, brown will get a commemorative hockey puck celebrating new york's three consecutive on-time budgets. >> stephen:, no, no we can't lose new york's legendary three-on-time hockey puck budget
7:08 pm
which was commissionered by governor cuomo in 2013 to commemorate his hat trick of fulfilling the basic obligations of his office. it's our proudest trophy of governmental self-congratulations since governor al smith's "we have paved roads" baseball bat. [cheering and applause] at least we can take some comfort in the fact that governor cuomo is still firmly in possession of the baseball that commemorates this year's grand slam on-time budget. although i don't know what a baseball has do with the budget. it's not a puck. [laughter] think, think if you can, think of what the loss of this puck would mean to new york's tourism industry. millions have come from all over the world to marvel at our three on-time budgets. it's even in our song.
7:09 pm
[cheering and applause] ♪ start spreading the news i'm leaving today ♪ i want to acknowledge that it happened ♪ three on-time budgets i want to wake up ♪ in a state that's got the stanley cup ♪ or if we do lose a game still keep our puck ♪ our state's blues have melted away ♪ thanks to the bold leadership of governor andrew cuomo ♪ and his magic puck
7:10 pm
we've got to keep our puck ♪ who wants a rice cake? what the [bleeped] ♪ i'd rather eat our budget whole ♪ we'll be right back! mounta taco bell original, is now in bottles and cans. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- aaaaaaaaaaaaa! what?! get some while you still can. here this summer. gone this summer.
7:11 pm
touch down... every morning... ten times! not just... now and then. once more on the rise... nuts to the flabby guys! go, you chicken fat, go away! go, you chicken fat, go! run, two, run (running) (like a tortoise) okay! (too far, and too slow.) now double up, ready! run two three four... (running) run two three four... (like a hare) run two three four... ow you are) run two three four... etting there) n two three four... . o you) are) run two three four... n two three four... (chicken fat,) n twerybody sing!.. . o away!)re) , you chicken fat, go! go! go! go! dismissed!
7:12 pm
oh no they've put up a sign. capital letters mean business. or maybe that's nature's way of weeding out the timid. your fortune awaits. geicmoney for over 75 they've really stood the test of time. much like these majestic rocky mountains. which must be named after the... that would be rocky the flying squirrel, mr. gecko sir. obviously! ahh come on bullwinkle, they're named after... ...first president george rockington! that doesn't even make any geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
7:13 pm
have o'hare party repair remove them. and install tostitos cantina chips and salsa. guaranteed to bring that south of the border je ne sais quoi to any occasion! tostitos. bring the party.
7:14 pm
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my gust tonight is a renowned director who hitchhiked across america for his new memoir. it's a good thing. if he had flown, it would have been a really short book. please welcome john waters. [applause] hey, john. good to see you again. thanks for coming back. >> thank you. >> stephen: lovely to see you again. we had a wonderful time last time you were here. how have you been other than strange?
7:15 pm
>> well, that's how i make my living. every morning i go to work and i have to think up something weird and i sell it in the afternoon. that's my job. >> stephen: here's my problem with you. you know i got a couple problems with you. my number-one problem with you is you are the oddest figure in american culture that we also love at the same time. we love you for your oddness. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: but i'm traditional american man. i'm threatened by the fact that i still like you. do you have any responsibility for what you've done to our culture? do you think responsible for the degradation of our morals? >> yes. i'm proud that i've invited you into a world where you'd be uptight and i make you feel safe and i'm your guide and you can laugh. yes, i think that's important. then people don't judge people. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: john, if people don't judge people, i'm out of a job. >> i know. i know. >> stephen: everybody knows
7:16 pm
you from your iconic movies. i want to talk about your new book, "carsick: john waters hitchhikes across america." you actually hitchhiked. >> from baltimore to san francisco. >> stephen: what on earth? when i was... in the 1970s, i grew up in the '70s, that was big hitchhiking time. ♪ like a vision she was laying there ♪ chevy van. pick up a girl, have sex with her, drop her off at the next town. i was taught not to hitchhike by my folks because the manson family would grab you. weren't you scared? >> i was scared that nobody would pick me up. but in the beginning of the book, i imagined all the things i would be scared of. i wrote 15 rides, the best i could imagine, and the best for me will definitely not be the best for you. >> stephen: you have best-cation and worst-case scenarios. what's the best thing that could
7:17 pm
have happened? >> have sex in a demolition derby in the car in the race. >> stephen: john, that's the definition of unsafe sex. >> well, it was safe. >> stephen: who were some of the e-mail people who did pick you up? >> a minister's wife. a cop. a trucker. a coal miner. a rock band called "here we go magic" >> stephen: why do you think they pulled their car over for you? is it because you're dressed like a valet? >> no, i think i'm the bellboy at howard johnson's. that's what this looks like. >> stephen: were you ever scared? >> i was not scared of the people. >> stephen: were they scared of you? >> no, they thought i was a homeless man. they didn't recognize me. they thought i was a beggar who was too stupid to hold the sign at a red light. >> stephen: what did you discover about america? how long did it take you? >> it took nine days, 21 rides. >> what did you discover in your 21 rides? is there any common theme between all these people? >> how incredibly open minded they were about people. how people that pick up
7:18 pm
hitchhikers, once they stop, it makes them a better person. i think the people were great. they were so open minded, more open minded than intellectuals i know in l.a. and new york. these people defied what you'd think about a coal miner. it didn't matter if they were republican oar democrat either. they were completely open to helping people. >> stephen: did you have a fav? >> my fav, well, id a a republican elected official, the youngest one in maryland, who picked me up and drove me to ohio. his parents thought i kidnapped him because it's not good to google me if you're parent. then he drove 48 hours at 80mph and caught up with me in denver and gave me more rides. he was the best ride i had, definitely. >> stephen: wow. wow. >> he was great. >> stephen: was there... was there any chance he took you to a demolition derby? >> no. he didn't. [laughter] it was totally innocent. it was a bromance. >> stephen: what were you most
7:19 pm
afraid of. we've heard your best-case scenarios. what were you afraid? >> i was afraid... i got picked up by a woman. i get in the car, and she said, have you ever had sex with a junky. and i said, well, not knowingly. and she said, because you can judge. you can come out and i can't be strung out? she was only sexually attracted to junkie, which is called a scagg hag. i can't -- i didn't know this. >> it's fiction. >> stephen: you can go into your own mind and surprise yourself. >> that's what i hoped to do. >> stephen: were you packing heat? >> no. but all my criminal friends told me to. all the people i know in jail said, take a gun. take mace. they were more uptight than my family. >> that's why they're in jail. [laughter] >> stephen: what's the lesson you want to teach all of us? >> that this summer everybody should take a hitchhiking trip, even if it's for two miles. it's an adventure, a soap opera,
7:20 pm
a reality show. you'll meet new people. you don't need to go on dating sites. just go hitchhiking. >> stephen: that is wonderful advice that for legal reasons i will not endorse. john waters, thank you so much. the book is "carsick." john waters, the great. we'll be right back. my family likes camping... ...i like dancing. so when we packed up our rav4, i brought this. ♪ turns out my family likes dancing too.
7:21 pm
the rav4 toyota. let's go places. can i get my actual credit report... like, the one the bank sees? [ male voice ] sheesh, i feel like i'm being interrogated over here. [ male voice ] she's onto us. dump her. [ pay phone rings ] hello? oh, man. that never gets old. no, it does not. [ female announcer ] not all credit report sites are equal. members get personalized help and a real credit report. join now at with enrollment in experian credit tracker. join now at ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
7:22 pm
♪ ♪ break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers. layer upon layer of bacteria, so destroy these layers with listerine®. its unique formula penetrates these layers deeper than any other mouthwash. for a cleaner, healthier mouth, #1 dentist recommended listerine®. power to your mouth™. berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot. ...really changes your water. it changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. squirt some. it changes everything. brewed for more this ispirited nights.tune.
7:23 pm
it's undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. you might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. miller fortune. your fortune awaits. in all its naked glory; that's too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. a payday bar will get you through your day. expose yourself to payday. there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water and castles were houses dragons lurked giants stood tall and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real avo: whatever you can imagine, all in one place expedia, find yours
7:24 pm
>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to the dail show. my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, new york senator chuck schumer, former star of nbc's espionage comedy "chuck." but first, you know, look, we're
7:25 pm
all familiar with the hyperbole of the 24-hour news cycle. oh, breaking news, we found the plane. oh, we didn't find the... exactly. sorry, it's a styrofoam cup. sorry. but yesterday, yesterday finally lived up to the hype. >> stunning, epic upset in virginia. >> house majority leader eric cantor has now lost his g.o.p. primary to tea party activist david brat. >> an underdog victory on behalf of an unfunded newcomer. >> this is simply unprecedented. >> the history-making surprise. >> david over goliath times a thousand. >> jon: a thousand! [laughter] you need to take the biblical struggle of israel's future king david as he armed with but a slingshot slayed a literal giant whose very name has become synonymous with large things and multiply that