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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 16, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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- it's diet, dude. diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." i'm jon stewart. we have a very, very good show tonight. my guest tonight, howard schultz will be here. he's the c.e.o. of starbucks. actually, he's just here to use our bathroom, but i'm making him buy something. congratulations to the u.s. we beat ghana 6-0. [cheering and applause] [audience chanting u-s-a!
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]. >> jon: hold on a second. i don't know what the score is. they're playing right. now i was trying to be optimistic. let's start tonight with our continuing coverage of mess 'o potamia. as you know, we went into iraq for one reason and for one reason only. >> that's what this fight is about in this part of the world, planting the seeds of democracy. >> that seed of democracy in iraq. >> jon: it wasn't about weapons of mass destruction or 9/11. [laughter] once those reasons were found to be unsupported by reality. it was about america. it was about what happens when one country loves another country very much. [laughter] that country then deposits his democracy seed, typically laser guided, into another country's,
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let's say, fertile crescent. by the way, if you think... [cheering and applause] if you think the seeding of democracy metaphor is slightly more tortured of many of the people we brought that democracy to, you ain't seen nothing yet. >> the seeds of freedom have only recently been planted in iraq, but democracy, when it grows, is not a fragile flower. it is a healthy, sturdy tree. [laughter] >> jon: and that tree is family tree. it's family man, for no man is an island, sale for the isle of mann. where is that? [bleeped] it. i'm going to paint a cat. the point is this: we spread out seed all over iraq and it bloomed until only johnny balmy came in, and now you won't
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believe what's growing there. >> the seeds of 9/11 are being planted all over iraq and syria. >> jon: you see what happens? they done swapped out of democracy seeds with the seeds of 9/11. i'm not even sure why burpee's even sells those 9/11 seeds. why would they do that? that seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen. [applause] it's like when they stocked all those venus dog traps. it's just stupid. [laughter] i'm going to go beagle. point is all this great stuff we did after obviously some of that bad stuff we did is totally undone now by the islamic state of iraq and syria, who are kernly sewing chaos seeds. now what do we do? if you're a member in the original rush to war, i mean diligently planned, internationally sanctioned freedom rave, there were some individuals who were wrong, uh,
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about the whole [bleeped] thing, just dead wrong about everything, all of them. >> let's act now get rid of the tyrant who has abused and killed his own people, who is procuring weapons of mass destruction, substantial evidence to that effect. >> the choice is stopping him by war of letting him have his weapons of mass destruction. >> we're dealing with a country that can finance its reconstruction and relatively soon. >> the ba'athists who used their four repress the iraqi people will be removed from office. >> jon: you can have all these memorable screwups and more, just call now and order, now that's what i call being completely bleep wrong about iraq. here's what happened, i think you'll appreciate this, those idiots were ostracized, never heard from again, because of how -- i'm kidding. because i think we all know four wrongs make a right. in this current crisis, the news media has crushed to get the band back together again. and they all have the same advice.
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on bass... ically wrong about everything, bill kristol. on drum... ming up support for endless war, paul wolfowitz. on guitar you kidding me, how does this guy keep getting booked on television, lindsey graham. >> this stubborn-headed president who thinks he knows better than everybody else, who withdrew troops. stubborn-headed, delusional, detached president, but that's the last bad thing i'm going to say. [laughter] >> jon: my wicked tongue. [laughter] [speaking with southern accent]: i'm so bad... at foreign policy. now pour me another julep. >> jon: like any terrible band, they're nothing without their lead singer, old johnny rotten. johnny rotten judgment. his advocacy of the iraq war was legend, his sophisticated
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knowledge of the region unparalleled, in that it did not parallel with anybody who had knowledge of the region. >> there is not a history of clashes that are violent between sunnis and shias, so i think they can probably get along. >> jon: that is a true statement if you don't count the long history of violent clashes between sunni and shia. he's right, throughout history there are lots of examples of sunnis and shias peacefully sharing power like we were going to have them do in iraq. okay, here's a great one, back in the 50s, 950, yeah, the only time it's ever happened is over 1,000 years ago in what is now iran and iraq. there was a pro-shiite warlord dynasty sharing power with a sunni. yeah, in 950. i don't know why they couldn't find this book. [laughter] since john mccain was wrongest
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before enduring the war, it's only fitting in this current crisis he was on so many shows you'd think he just won "dancing with the stars." [laughter] >> a decision was made by the obama administration to not have a residual force in iraq. >> we left troops behind in korea, in germany, in japan, even in bosnia. they are stablizing force. we had the conflict one. we had that war won. and we blew it. >> jon: all we would have do maintain the victory is stay there forever. it's like when you win at a casino. to get the money, you have to live there. why did obama snatch defeat from the jaw's of victory. >> president bush signed a treaty which said that all u.s. forces, not just combat force, all u.s. forces, will be out of iraq by the end of 2011. >> jon: what? only a secret muslim kenyan terrorist vegan is shrewd enough
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to ensure our defeat before he ever took office by jedi mind-tricking patriot man. actually, for him you don't actually need to use the jedi mind trick. you just kind of wave your hand and... to be fair to john mccain, it's not like this is just his iraq strategy. he is consistent. >> ukraine is going to need a long-term military assistance program from the united states. >> quote, "if they knew where they were, i certainly would send in u.s. troops to rescue them, in a new york minute i would." >> appropriate use of air power. air strikes on assad's force. >> that old beach boy song "bomb iran," bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb iran. anyway... >>. >> jon: the john mccain military plan for america is the same as the john mccabe media strategy, be everywhere forever.
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>> welcome back. [cheering and applause] if one thing is clear, if one thing is clear, just one, america can't solve the crisis in the middle east by itself. but who will help us? russia? china? [laughter] the rest of the world's busy with the soccer thing i was
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telling you about earlier. [laughter] there niece one we can turn to. i don't know what to do. ♪ i'm so lost without you ♪ >> jon: no, ayatollah khamenei? the supreme leader of iran? what are you doing here? >> iran's leaders said they are willing to work with the united states, the great statement in their view, in order fight isis. >> jon: what? you'll work with us, satan? [laughter] you would do this? i never thought we'd get back together, buddy. if you're willing to give it a shot, iran meet me at camera three. [laughter] hey, baby. i know we hurt each other, but let's not focus on who overthrew who's government in a c.i.a.
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coup or who stormed who's embassy or who put who in which axis of what. [laughter] because you know we both can't stop thinking about each other. let's be honest, your nuclear weapons program was clearly just a way to drive by our house at 3:00 a.m. and hit the horn. and you know our sanctions are just us calling you drunk crying. so what do you say, baby? let's put the past behind us and work together, just the two of us. ♪ don't you forget about me ♪ what the hell? what's that? what? [laughter] king abdullah of saudi arabia. hey, what's up, your highness? what you doing there? hey, still the center of sunni islam? because iran, we're just talking that. was just talk. we're thinking about doing something together to fight this new sunni group, but that's very casual. that's cool with you, right?
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>> all the support that isis is getting, that these groups that are now marching are getting are from saudi arabia. >> jon: king, your subjects have been funding these extremist groups? how long's that been going on? >> we've known for quite a while that saudi arabia have been funneling a large amounts of money to terrorist organizations. >> jon: what? i can't believe this. well, if you'll excuse me, i was in the middle of something. [laughter] hey, baby. now i see what you've been saying about those guys. boop-boop. pretending to care about us in the u.s., meanwhile they're going around funding anti-american radicals behind our back. that's not respect. sure, you say death to america and you burn our flag, but you do it to our face, so i think we can put this behind -- ♪ my milk shake brings all the
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boys to the yard ♪ saudi arabia, we're done here. i don't even know what i saw in you nirts place. -- in the first place. [audience reacts] oh, that's right, that's what i saw, sweet, delicious oil, so crude. ♪ i run so far away listen, i know we were talking before, but saudi arabia, they got our back with the oil thing, so i don't know, you might call us a black gold digger if you, will but you know what i'm saying, we got the look out for our... oh. are those opposed say no missiles we secretly sold you in the '80s to help you fight saddam? that's when we both first realized our shared love of bombing iraq. [laughter] you know what, that's the kind of partner we need in the middle east, someone who works with us towards a common goal, not
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someone who funds our enemies. ♪ i got the power look, it's over. we're done. our affection cannot be bought, saudi arabia. it's... really? more? more oil? you think we're that desperate? i mean, it does look tasty, but look, we have to be with iran. it's complicated with them, too, but they're saying some very sweet things these days, and i... oh, [bleeped]. hey, hey, what's up? oh, sorry, bibi netanyahu, i thought you were out of town for the jewish festival of guilt and passive aggression. this is not what it looks like, bubbie. it's just us plotting secret alliances with your two mortal enemies. i better get the [bleeped] out of here.
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[cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is the chairman and the c.e.o. of starbucks. please welcome to the program howard schultz. sir. [applause] how are you? now, do you have a "daily show" rewards card with us? >> no. good idea, though. >> jon: you can get a cashews glazed with cranberries or whatever the hell you're selling. how are you? >> i'm great. today was a big day for starbucks. we had a big announcement. >> jon: tell me about the announcement. tell the people what you're doing over there. >> today we announced that
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starbucks would become first u.s. company to provide free college tuition for all our employees. [cheering and applause] thank you. thank you. >> jon: it is my job to hate everything. [laughter] i'm having a very difficult time with this. this sounds lovely. where are you sending them? [laughter] >> well, let's start from the beginning. >> jon: all right. is this going to be about you started with one shop in seattle, because i don't have time. >> no, no. >> jon: all right. >> unfortunately, college tuition endebtedness is trillions of dollars. >> jon: it's crazy. >> the average college student has $30,000 in debt. we're falling behind. we all know that. we can't wait for washington.
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we have to step up as we've done in the past and demonstrate true leadership. so what we're saying to our employees is we're going to provide you with something you can't get on your own. it's a partnership with asu. it's online. and i think it's time that we all recognize that. i know you know this and you think about it a lot. the country's having serious problems. people are being left behind. >> jon: this country? how dare you, sir. you have some venti balls, my friend. [cheering and applause] now, how did you end up doing this with asu? i've heard that on line asu is party school. >> you heard that? the true is asu has the best online program of any university in the country. i've done a lot of homework. >> jon: you approached them and said, hey, if we do this with you, because it's going to cost you, i read somewhere, forbes, if 3% of your employees take this offer up, and it's a good offer, it's $50 million.
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>> it will be millions of dollars per year, but i think here's the thing: we're a public company. we have to build long-term value for the shareholder, but we recognized when we provide health care, ownership, the only way to build a great, enduring company is by linking shareholder value with value for employees. and i think this is an opportunity i think to do something that no one's done before. >> jon: why is it that no one's... it seems to make perfect sense when you talk about it from a human... corporations are people, we've learned. [laughter] but generally they're sociopaths. [laughter] why is it that your corporation is able to do this and treat them humanly? [applause] listen, that's a tough gig. working at starbucks, you do get good people, but that's not an easy gig. it's customer service. it gets busy as hell. people can be very demanding. these are not easy jobs. and i imagine retention is difficult. >> we have the lowest level of
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attrition of any company in our sector, but listen, i want to go back to something you said and why. why aren't companies doing more of this. >> jon: right. >> the answer is there has been a zero sum game. the only thing that matters is profitability. what i'm saying and i think a lot of people believe this, they haven't been heard, and that is you can't just focus on profitability. an enduring, great company has to be based on more than that. starbucks is a people-based company. what i mean is... >> jon: that's what's in the coffee? i thought it was a coffee-based company. >> what i mean tbhai is that our people have created the experience. >> jon: oh, okay. >> we have to do everything we can to exceed their expectations. they don't have access to a college education. we want to provide it. the truth of the matter is the country is not providing people at lower levels of our society with the things that the people with privilege have. and we have to do something about it. >> jon: let me to talk to you about minimum wage, because in
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salt, where you're based, they're the first city to raise it to $15. has that taken effect? >> that has not taken effect. >> jon: when it does, will it rain cats and dogs? will day be night? will the earth spin in an opposite direction? because from what i understand, if you pay people a wage that allows them to live like humans, mestopholes rises. i don't know if it's true. that's what i've heard. >> how i do answer this? seattle has approved $15 an hour. it's got to go to the voters. i don't know if that's the right number or no. i think there will be unintended consequences of small businesses not being able to support that. but that's not the issue. we have to provide not only a good wage, but we have to provide total compensation. what i mean is not only college tuition, ownership, health care, companies need do more for their people. the communities they serve. and that's the only way to
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build... >> what do companies say to you? are they angry with you? when you go to corporate brunch or whatever happens, like are the guys from wal-mart like they see you and they're like, are they mad? >> i think starbucks has always taken a little bit different track to building a company. and i think we've tried to embrace humanity as a core competency. most companies have not been able to do that. here's the thing, because of social media and the transparency, the consumer today knows everything. and that are making decisions not only on what things sell and features and benefits, but your values and your sense of purpose. and if you don't do the right thing, they'll reject you. that's why i think more people will do the right thing. >> well, i'm impressed by it. i think it's really nice initiative. and to show support, i'm going to go to starbucks. i'm going to buy a coffee and even one of those indy folk rock things they don't know anything about.
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[cheering and applause] howard schultz. ♪
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smooth chocolate inside. krave cereal! take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i'm confident that he will be justified. >> i'm confident that all those things you predict are going to come true and a lot of people that have been laying out the case against this are going to be veryored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh [theme music playing] [cheering and applause]