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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 17, 2014 6:51pm-7:24pm PDT

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>> stephen: right there? is that the one? welcome to "the report," everybody. [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] welcome to "the report," everybody. folks, thank you so much. you know... [cheering and applause] welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. nation, i don't know what it is, but tonight i feel ten years younger. it might be the summer sun or the smell of barbecue or the chaos in iraq. [laughter] jim? >> militants on the move in iraq conquering city after city. >> they've now taken mosul, iraq's second largest city, tikrit, saddam hussein's hometown, baiji, an iraqi oil refinery town, and today they
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are taking direct aim at baghdad. >> the country's government and military is literally disintegrating before our eyes. >> the situation is growing more urgent as american contractors are forced to evacuate and militants continue their march towards baghdad. >> happening now, iraq 2.0. >> stephen: yes, it's iraq 2.0, and like any upgrade, it's faster, once in a while everything crashes, and you get the error message: 404 government not found. [applause] because, folks, the news is iraq is being rapidly overrun by a terrorist group out of syria isis, the islamic state in iraq and syria. these are some bad hombres. isis has been described as better arms than the national armies of syria and iraq, partly because iraqi soldiers are handing over their weapons and uniforms peacefully. it's no surprise iraqi soldiers
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are shi'iting the bed here. jim? >> we've already seen just how ruthless they are. the militants claim they have killed 1,700 iraqis in just the last day. >> they're brutal. >> very radical, very militant, very draconian. steep how draconian? they've been announced by such international terrorist groups as al qaeda, who has now officially changed their motto to "death to the infidels, but, you know, tasteful." who so who has got the balls and his enemy's balls to make al qaeda seem kind of chill? it's none other than abu bakr al-baghdadi, a shadowy figure known as the invisible sheikh seen here being visible. [laughter] al-baghdadi has a growing army, recruiting fighters from other militant groups by offering to triple their salaries up to $400 a month. $400 a month!
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baghdadi better be ready for a flood of resumes from recent comp lit grads and soon. [cheering and applause] and soon it might be bonus season. >> the militants are flush with cash. they robbed mosul's central bank, taking over $400 million, according to the city's governor. >> they are considered now the richest terrorist organization in the world, valued at $2 billion. >> stephen: the richest terrorist organization in the world, which means they can now afford monogrammed suicide vests. [laughter] and we have not seen everything in al-baghdadi's al-bag of tricks, as his fighters claim that baghdadi has plenty of hidden surprises for his enemies. so a warning to all iraqi, no matter how hungry you russia no matter how delicious it looks, do not open that can of peanut brittle.
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worse, al-baghdadi is plan dog something america could never do in iraq, nation-build. >> isis's main aim is to extend a callie fant from iraq to syria. steep iraq and syria? we could be looking at the dine all over again. do you know what that means? if you, do please drop me a note because i do not know what that means. but i can tell you, it can not be good. yeah. it cannot be good, folks. umayyad dynasty, who puts two ys in a row? clearly the mark of mad man. the point is we're facing the alarming collapse of the iraqi government, so it took us eight years of blood and treasure to install, and it's all obama's fault. [laughter] jim? >> i blame president obama for hands-off policy when it comes to iraq. >> the president's inability to
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negotiate a forces agreement in iraq, which has put us in this situation we're in today. >> president obama made political decision, a campaign promise decision, not strategic vision decision. >> he simply didn't live up to his promises of more arms and a diplomatic surge. >> thank you, president obama. great job, dude. >> stephen: yeah. great job, dude. operation party. next keg is on you, president broseph. i don't know what obama was thinking when george w. bush signed the troop withdrawal agreement in 2008. [cheering and applause] and, yeah, hmm, hmm, hmm. thankfully fox news knows how to fix this situation. >> we have to do something. >> we've got do something about it. >> when is the president going to do something. >> he's got do something. i mean, he came out today and said he might do something in iraq. he's got do something. >> stephen: yes.
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that's exactly it. yes. [cheering and applause] yes. that is exactly the thing we have to do. some. i say we just fight the bad guys by helping the good guys. and the good guys are easy to find thanks to this handy chart of the involved parties. okay. let's just jump right into this freaky 13 way. all right. i say we fight isis by sending arms to their mortal enemies, hezbollah. okay. okay. okay. hezbollah is no good. so let's help whoever is fighting them, al qaeda. no. okay. that definitely rings a bell. let's help al qaeda's nemesis instead, bob bashara. oh. oh, oh, a little too gassy-his-own-people-y. let's help the syrian rebels
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fighting him. how about those guys in al-nusra. i'm being told that's al qaeda again. maybe we should give weapons to al-nusra's enemy, iran. okay. that's not good. we need find a well-armed, well-trained militia out there willing to fight iran. i know, isis. those guys look like winners. they are kickings ass and taking names. [cheering and applause] here to tell me how we can best help isis defeat themselves is the managing editor of the iraq oil report ben van heuvelen. thank you so much, ben. all right, ben. [cheering and applause] how bad is this situation over there? should we be concerned that lebanon is now the stable middle eastern country? [laughter] >> it's very bad.
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[laughter] >> stephen: all right. that's good enough. okay. so what do we do? can we just ignore it? do we have to pay attention to it? because the american people didn't really pay attention to iraq when we still had troops there. why should we pay attention now? >> i think one of the best reasons to pay attention is that these areas in northern iraq now that isis is controlling, i think it's not unreasonable to draw an nail joy between what isis wants do there and what the taliban did in afghanistan prior to 2001. so in as much as it's a big threat to countries around the world to have a group like isis controlling large territory and marshaling a lot of resources, it's a threat to everybody. >> what about the oil? [laughter] is the oil okay? [laughter] are they being cruel to the oil up there? >> i can assure you that the oil is actually safe right now.
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most of iraq's proil duction is in the south, which is shia majority. and isis is a radical sunni group, and they're more in the north. so the oil production is not affected so far. >> stephen: can't we sit back, like you dump a bunch of red ants and a bunch of black ants in a pile, and you pour a little honey in the middle, and you just make them fight. can't we just do that? why do we have to stick our big toe back in there? [laughter] >> well, i think if we don't stick our big toe back in there at least in terms of intervening diplomatically at the very least to affect some political change in iraq, then that's exactly what's going to happen. it's going to be a terrible humanitarian catastrophe with militias and... >> stephen: humanitarian, but it's humanithemian. don't they have it coming? do you know the names we've had
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to memorize with those people, all the ales bins, abduls. i don't have room. i deleted those names and filled it with people from the craifnl i can't pay attention it to anymore. haven't we paid our price? [applause] how bad, this guy, this al-baghdadi guy, he's willing go further than anybody else is my understanding. that's why he may not have enjoyed the support on the street with sunnis. how bad is this cat? >> he's a really, truly, horrible, evil person. just yesterday there were reports still unconfirmed but credible that he ordered the execution of thousands of captured iraqi troops. so he's a terrible person. >> stephen: is he the kaiser of the middle east. >> that might be fair to say. [laughter] >> stephen: well, thanks for all the cheerful news. thank you so much.
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ben van heuvelen. [cheering and applause] the iraq oil report. we'll be right back. [sound of rain.] let's get redd's strawberry ale.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, folks, you know, our first black president's first black economy continues to let down my friends in the african american community. [laughter] the income gap between blacks and whites continues to grow, and black college graduates are twice as likely as their peers to be unemployed. even worse, their united college fund still calls them negroes. come on! now, when barack obama was elected president, we were promised that racism was over, but for some reason it still exists. i blame the mexicans.
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[laughter] just to show you how bad racism still is, this month "atlantic" magazine is one of the fastest-selling issues in its history thanks to a cover story by my guest tonight, ta-nehesia coates, entitled "the case for reparations." reparations? what happened to forgive and forget? white people have done the second part. now, luckily, i think we have found the cure to racism thanks to a new study published in the proceedings of the national academy of sciences. in the study, scientists created a spectrum of faces ranging from white to black -- also known as thomas jefferson's family try. [applause] before viewing any faces in this spectrum, subjects were primed
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to think about scarcity by the split-second projection of such words as "scarce," "sparse" or "limited." those primed to think about scarce resource were much more likely to see someone with few african facial features as black. when the white subjects were shown two images and told to divvy up $15, they consistently shorted the black image with $7 or less. to recap: when money is scarce, why people think everyone looks black and then won't give them any money, thus confirming results first published in paul ryan's budget. [cheering and applause] nation, this study proves white people don't discriminate because we're racist. we do it because we're worried about economic scarcity, which means there is a simple way to eradicate racism in america: give white people more money.
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>> stephen: my guest tonight is a journalist who believes it's time to pay reparations to black people. reparations? i got to fix their air conditioning now? please welcome ta-nehesia coates. [cheering and applause] hey, good see you, ta-nehesia. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: thanks for coming back. mr. coates, good to see you again. thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: i'm mad at you, man. >> all right. >> stephen: you are the national correspondent for "the atlantic." and author of this month's cover
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story "the case for reparations." you have it right there. >> i do have it right here. >> stephen: it's a brace 15g,000-word argument talking about slavery, jim crow, discriminations that come up to this very day. >> right. >> stephen: do you think the best way to heal nation is to bum people out? [laughter] because this is well argued. i can understand it, and i don't want to understand it. >> right, right, right. >> stephen: make your case to the good people out there and understand, some of these people are not white. so don't be mad at them. >> i wrote that with that in mind. >> stephen: it's not just for white people. didn't know. because it's kind of an attack. >> okay. well, i think it's our history. and i too think it's necessary to bum people out sometimes to heal people. you go to the doctor and maybe you have a knee injury and you're not sure what it is. you know, it's better to know that you tore something than for
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the doctor to tell you, oh, it's going to be all right. >> stephen: that's what anaesthesia is for. >> but we have to know what's wrong in order for there to be any healing in the first place. steep but what good does reparations do? are we talking about distributing money? >> probably so. >> stephen: okay. all right. so how much money is it going to take... [laughter] to... i have some right here. i'll just pick one black guy, i'll give him a check, and i'll be a model for everybody else. how much are we talking about here, ta-nehesia? >> well, we don't actually know. but i will take a check on behalf of myself. >> stephen: all right. all right. this is to make the discussion go away. >> no, no, no. steep this is hush money. >> just for tonight. >> stephen: i gave you a fruit plate backstage. that's all you get tonight. people know that slavery
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happened and i'm against it. jim crow, bad. you also talk about recent practices like redlining neighborhoods, not allowing black people to move into those neighborhoods. black people being basically cheated in their mortgages and having their houses taken away from them. >> well, we have two problems. any time you say the word "reparation," people think you're talking about people who are long dead. in fact, there are people who are alive who have been disadvantaged and injured. the damage doesn't go away when we don't talk about it. new things happen that are compiled on top of that damage, so segregation in a city in chicago, a northern peoples state bank don't think about northern cities as being segregated, but segregation in a community like chicago creates a community of people who are ripe to be plundered when people are peddling bad loans. >> you say from colonial days up
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until now, a great deal of wealth in the united states has been built on the backs of disadvantaged and black people. >> and not even our wealth as a country, but like our policies, our social safety net, the way we think about housing in this country, social security, the g.i. bill. these things would not have been possible unless we made certain compromises with white supremacists. >> stephen: are there other injured groups? shouldn't you get in line behind the indians? >> possibly. >> stephen: it's a short line. there aren't many. what if we gave you guys casinos? >> that wasn't my joke. i don't want any part of it. that's all you. >> stephen: you have a very well-argued, just exhaustively researched article here, but you don't have solvency at the end of the article. you don't say this is how we deal the reparations. what's the mechanism? >> well, the mechanism, as i say in the article, the bill that
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john conyers introduces every year, says we should study the issue. it's like saying we should study it is not very gratifying. you want a specific number, write the check... >> stephen: or just study and go no further. >> right, right, right. the idea of studying before you do it is not actually new. >> stephen: i go from the gut. too i want to give you any of my money? no. that's my gut. en that is my gut on that. >> there it is. there it is. [applause] that's good policy, but in the case of japanese-americans, we did the same thing. we had a study before we cut a check. >> stephen: well, it's a much smaller group of people. it is. it's smaller group of people, so the damage is less and the specific moment of hurting them is so contained in the... it starts with slavery and...
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>> what if we just took it from 1860. >> stephen: we get a mulligan on slavery. >> right. >> stephen: that's tempting. that's not bad idea. dutt your losses on slavery. >> we could do jim crow. steep we just do 20th century crimes. >> we'll just do lynching, housing segregation, employment segregation, social security, g.i. bill... >> stephen: stealing jazz, rock 'n' roll. >> vanilla ice. >> stephen: exactly. well, good luck. ta-nehesia coates. "the atlantic." we'll be right back. so, your site gave me this "credit report card" thing. can i get my actual credit report... like, the one the bank sees? [ male voice ] sheesh, i feel like i'm being interrogated over here. [ male voice ] she's onto us. dump her. [ pay phone rings ] hello? oh, man. that never gets old.
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giveth me a redd's apple ale! gravity! what's that? i have no idea. redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like an ale. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart."
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captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." i'm jon stewart. we have a very, very good show tonight. my guest tonight, howard schultz will be here. he's the c.e.o. of starbucks. actually, he's just here to use our bathroom, but i'm making him buy something. congratulations to the u.s. we beat ghana 6-0. [cheering and applause] [audience chanting u-s-a! ]. >> jon: hold on a second. i don't know what the score is. they're playing right. now i was trying to be optimistic. let's start tonight with our continuing coverage of mess 'o potamia. as you know, we went into iraq for one reason and for one reason only. >> that's what this fight is