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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 19, 2014 7:23pm-7:55pm PDT

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good show tonight. from the movie "think like a man too," "think like a man too," the great, the hilarious kevin hart will be joining us a little bit later. but our top story, we have a big story, there is big news out of libya. >> the u.s. has captured the suspected ringleader of the attack in bank of england, libya. >> commandos with drones overhead grabbed ahmed abu khattala, whisking him off to navy warship. >> u.s. intelligence tracked him to small seaside villa and quickly captured khattala without firing a shot. no one was hurt. >> jon: no shots, no wounds, no errors. the commanders even spruced up the villa for the next b&b guests, which i thought was very nice. great news all around, well-planned operation, executed flawlessly, terrorists captured without casualties. cannot find a single thing wrong, which is probably why i don't work at fox. >> what took the obama administration so throng capture
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ahmed abu khattala. >> 641 days after the president vowed to bring the killers to justice. >> jon: for god's sake, obama good night the guy you have been come make about. why are you being such moby dicks about this. oh, melville, why did you name your symbol of evil if a modern world? how easy should it have been for us to get him? >> khattala had been living in plain sight. >> he always met with journalists in public fairched sipping lattes at a local hotel in bank of england. >> sitting outside a hotel sipping a strawberry frappe. >> he was sipping mango juice. [laughter] >> jon: how does this guy have time to plan takes with all the urinating he must be doing? "my friends, we will come in from the north. my glorious floors -- can you excuse me for one minute? i have to use the little terrorist's room." i guess we could have captured
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him sooner. all right, fox, do you have any stupider complaints? maybe delivered with a weird sense of superiority and secret knowledge? >> now, isn't that curious timing, the same day that hillary clinton is showing up on fox news, they are able to announce we got the bad guy. >> jon: yeah, yeah, no, the world revolves around fox. normally to find that level of sophisticated level of causality, you would have to talk to a two-year-old. >> i picked up a ball and it started to rain. [laughter] i control the sky. [laughter] but you can't blame fox for having hillary on the blame. they planned their entire day around her. >> a must-see interview later tonight on the fox news channel with hillary clinton. >> do not forget, tomorrow hillary clinton will be here. >> hard-hitting, straightforward interview with hillary clinton. >> an exclusive interview. >> a fox news exclusive. >> jon: a fox news exclusive you will not see hillary clinton
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anywhere else. >> the cnn town hall exclusive. hillary clinton's hard choice. >> big questions asked in tonight's cnn town hall. >> we are less than three hours away... >> from an exclusive town hall. >> an exclusive town hall. >> the only network televised town hall meeting. >> jon: imagine, that two news networks expressly promoaght exclusives with hillary clinton on the same day. it's like words have no meaning anymore. [laughter] but good guest. they should proud of themselves for procuring an interview from the sallinger-like recluse hillary clinton. her book tour access was lift. ed to nbc, cbs, abc twice and the arlington virginia costco. [cheering and applause] by the way, for $12, as you can see there at the costco, for
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just $12, you get 400 copies of her book and her. but all right. fox's exclusive shows the format known on certain web sites as two an: 00, one clinton. this was going to be harder to watch. >> we're pleased to welcome to our set, former secretary of state hillary clinton. >> thank you for being here, madam secretary. >> thank you both. >> secretary clinton, i read the book. i traveled on many of these trips. a fun read. thank you. >> i want to be fair and balanced to greata. >> that's very fair. i like that. [laughter] >> jon: what's with all the ha, ha, ha and fun read. guys, this is a woman who snuck into the embassy in bank of england to personally strangle four americans and bald eagle. big letdown, fox. big! let's hope cnn doesn't make the same mistake by overhyping their exclusive. >> we wanted to give you a little look behind the scenes as we get ready for this event.
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>> we're putting finishing touches on the set. christiane amanpour will be sitting right here hsm k will be sitting right here. this is the hot seat. >> jon: honey, get in here. honey! honey, get in here, they're introducing the chairs. honey! you're going to miss it. hurry up. they're introducing... you said you were going to tape it? well, i'm sure the interview lived up to the hype and was not a one-hour infomercial for whatever it is her book is called. >> should the united states do military go, in with iran, that's hard choice, but should they do that? >> it's a very hard choice. i write a whole chapter about syria in my book "hard choices." these are difficult, hard choices. we make hard choices. hard choices, hard choices. [laughter] >> jon: all i can say is it's a good thing she didn't name her
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book "ultimate [bleeped] storm." [laughter and applause] i'm sorry. you know, you know, chris committee yawn, this is how we found flowers an ultimate [bleeped] storm. so fox and cnn both had exclusive interviews with hillary clinton to be same night, yet just an hour apart from each other. i wonder how the interviews went. >> christiane amanpour did an excellent job moderating the town hall meeting. >> bret baier asked her a lot of the questions that members of congress should have asked her. a fantastic interview. >> a very successful, very interesting. >> christiane amanpour is one of the best. >> bret baier did really good job. >> fascinating hour-long town hall meeting. >> great to watch. >> great job. >> outstanding job. >> jon: you know, both interviews really were the ultimate [bleeped]. back to you. cnn wasn't satisfied with their exclusive hillary clinton town hall. they held an exclusive after
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town hall, rent prospective tribute to their previous town hall. >> did she do a good jor or didn't she good a good job. what do you think? good job? [cheering and applause] i think they think she did a pretty good job. the anchor of "the lead" jake tapper has some thoughts. >> christian did great job. let's give a great round of applause for christiane amanpour. she's here with us as well. you did an excellent job. give me a kiss. beautiful job. [laughter] >> jon: i swear to god, you know, cnn, from now on i'm just going to call your network ron jeremy because you're the only network that can blow yourself. , no you did a good job. we here at "the daily show," we did such a good job, we chipped in and got you something. i dhiet, this it's the missing plane from ma lay shampey it's for you. i know you really wanted one. you've been dropping hints. happy exclusive.
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oh, no, i broke it. you know what, let's hear it for that joke, everybody? great work for that joke. how about a round of applause for the prop guys. don't forget me, a rudd of applause for the best joke. hey, who [bleeped]. son of a bitch. we'll be right back. spokesperson: the volkswagen passat is heads above the competition, but we're not in the business of naming names. the fact is, it comes standard with an engine that's been called the benchmark of its class. really, guys, i thought... it also has more rear legroom than other midsize sedans. and the volkswagen passat has a lower starting price than... much better. vo: hurry in and get 0% apr for 60 months on 2014 passat gasoline models plus a $1000 contract bonus.
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i'm gonna leave the tv on for you. and if anything happens, don't forget about the new xfinity my account app. you can troubleshoot technical issues here. if you make an appointment, you can check out the status here. you can pay the bill, too. but don't worry about that right now. okay. how do i look? ♪ thanks. [ male announcer ] troubleshoot, manage appointments, and bill pay from your phone. introducing the xfinity my account app. >> jon: wellcome back. government overreach has been a controversial issue of late. whether this is one of those cases, i'm not really sure. we have this report. >> in 2008, louisiana came to its senses and outlawed the barbaric sport cock fighting. the chickens of that state had some peace. >> we've outlawed cock fighting.
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those blood sports are no longer attractive in louisiana. i'm not a fan of cock fighting, but i'd love to go and watch some chicken boxing. >> you just said "chicken boxing"? >> yes, chicken boxing in louisiana is still not legal, but we're fighting to make it legal. >> you meant to say chicken boxing? >> i meant to say chicken boxing. human beings put governors on and box. chickens can put gloves on and box. >> right. he's trying to legalize chicken boxing, which is totally different than cockfighting. wait. maybe that is cockfighting. all right. switch 'em around. that's chicken boxing and that's cockfighting? >> we're talking about chicken boxing. >> what? what are these? >> these are chicken boxing gloves. >> so cockfighting vicious? >> many people say some. >> but this, adorable. >> absolute legislature sport, family sport. >> so no cockfighting and no chicken boxing.
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what's next, no chicken wrestling? if it were up to people like j.b., the chicken wouldn't have any fun. >> it doesn't matter what you arm them with, two chickens going into the ring fighting for the amusement of people is wrong. >> it's two adult consensual chickens that are fighting on the behalf of bloodthirsty humans. >> chickens do not have freewill, therefore... >> chickens are smart. they know what they're doing. you know the expression, the smarter the chicken. >> i've never heard it. >> my dad always used to say, "al, you're smart as a chicken." thanks, dad. >> i don't think that was a compliment. [laughter] >> it was. it was a compliment. it definitely was a compliment. but these smart chickens are treat nod differently than their human counterparts. >> they have the best food.
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they have the best medical care. their trainers give them massages. these are premier athletes. >> we're still talking about chicken boxing, right? >> absolutely. >> and these chickens use the best facilities, like this hallowed hall of poultry pugilism. it's a special place where the legends of the force went tallon to tallon, like when manny peckiou took on evander holy fried. i'm running out of chicken puns. >> this is where the primary combatants go to it. no one had to force them. no one had to encourage them. >> you brought them in and put them in there, but other than that... >> absolutely. >> still there are people like senator morell who want to turn their back on this noble pastime. >> i am not depriving chickens of a better life. i'm saving their lives. >> okay. i'm a chicken. tell me why shoin fight? >> you shouldn't fight for the
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amusement of others. it's barbaric, it's stupid and there is a better life for you. >> i can't believe you actually did that. i'm a chicken. i didn't autopsy word you [bleeped] said. that because -- was hilarious. you're a senator. a senator who doesn't see the economic opportunity clawing him in the face. >> these birds, warrior birds, sell for anywhere between $2,500 and $25,000. >> what? >> that is real money. >> so suck it, "daily show" newsroom, and world, please say hello to oscar delay pollo. >> come on, oscar. work the bag, work the wag. come on, oscar. you want this.
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that's how we used to do it in the old days. come on. get the chicken. get the chicken. come on, you bum. come on. what are you doing? don't hop over it. come on. [cheering and applause] >> jon: we'll be right back. ♪ touch down... every morning... ten times! not just... now and then. once more on the rise... nuts to the flabby guys! go, you chicken fat, go away! go, you chicken fat, go! run, two, run (running)
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(like a tortoise) okay! (too far, and too slow.) now double up, ready! run two three four... (running) run two three four... (like a hare) run two three four... ow you are) run two three four... etting there) n two three four... . o you) are) run two three four... n two three four... (chicken fat,) n twerybody sing!.. . o away!)re) , you chicken fat, go! go! go! go! dismissed! hey you won't believe how much good stuff is in the pizza hut dinner box and you won't believe the price. t a pizza, 5 breadsticks, and 10 cinnamon sticks that's 17 bucks worth of food! for $8.99 when you carry out. but ycan believe it, because i'm telling you it's true. and i'm a celebrity!
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, an amazing comedian. his new film is called "think like a man too." >> i've been giving this a lot of thought. i want you to be my best man. >> me? >> no, actually, i was talking to -- >> listen, don't say nothing right now, man. i knew you and i had a connection, but this is crazy. let me tell you something, this means so much to me. let me tell you something, i'm going to be the best best man in the history of all best men. we came here to golf, and now you going to give me this blessing? i have to go to the bathroom. ♪ this little light of mine i'm going the let it shine ♪ >> jon: please welcome kevin hart. [cheering and applause] kevin hart. >> what's going on? breath, my friends, breath.
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>> jon: they love you. >> thank you. that's amazing. they're very nice. >> jon: nice to see you, my friend. >> thank you, man. >> jon: first of all, congratulations on everything. >> thank you, jon. thank you, sir. >> jon: you are ruling what i think may be the world. >> well, jon, that's an amazing compliment. >> jon: it's the kevin hart decade. >> i'm not going to fight that. i'm hoping i can stay true. it's been a good time. i'm blessed. i have loyal fans who have stuck with me from day one and who have seen me grow into what i am now and hopefully continue to grow. so i thank you all, not only for the welcoming, but for the support. >> jon: very nice people. we could spend time talking about the movie. >> let's talk. i'm here. i'm in your world. >> jon: here's what i want to talk about. i want to talk about... you did something. i don't get to talk about this with anybody else here, you hosted "monday night raw." is that correct? wwe.
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>> wwe raw. >> jon: all right. so my son and i, that's all we do is watch wrestling. >> that's all you do is watch wrestling. >> jon: it's the only way i can communicate with the boy is through violence. but you come in here and they're all like, did you see what happened on cnn? and i'm like, evolution broke up. do you understand? >> how serious it is. listen, i'm not going to lie to you. i'm fan. first of all, i'm fan of wrestling. i've dropped off as i've gotten older. >> jon: me, too. i'm not buff. >> how old is your kid? >> jon: he's 23. >> 23! >> jon:, no he's not. he's turning ten. he's nine and he just discovered it. >> that's the age i was into it, too. i can say me going here brought back all the memories of when i was like just engulfed in this. >> jon: who were the big guys when you were a kid? >> dusty rhodes, rick blair,
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junk yard dog, coco beware. road warriors. i'm showing my age right now. >> jon: you want somebody to show some age, bruno san martino, haystacks calhoun. jimmy superfly snuka. chief jay strongbow. >> i remember jimmy. you are 1 for 6. i didn't know those were wrestlers. >> jon: did they want to throw you? >> no, they come out with all physical stuff first. hey, kevin, it's going to be great. we'll get you in the ring. i said, well, let's stop right there. i'm not going in the ring. i don't want to do any stunts with these guys. i said no. let's do something where i can shine. they're like, what do do you? are you fast? i'm like, i can talk. i want to go and commentate. let me commentate. but that way i can talk about the sport and be a personality. they're like, okay, okay. i get there, and they said, kevin, we came up with something great for you. we can get you in the ring. i said, i told you all i didn't want to get up in that ring.
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i don't want to do it. so i get in the ring after this guy's fight, and, you know, he's a dancer, fandango, it's not fan-dang-o. it's fawn-dong-o. so i get in and dance with him, but the funny thing is, the rope, i have a completely different respect for the ropes. you know, you're supposed to go, the first, the second and third. you're supposed to pull the first two apart and step through it. the first man in history, i pull the bottom. i went through... i went through the bottom of the rope. and after i did it, i didn't even realize i did it. i come off and all the wrestlers were, hey, that was pretty funny going through the bottom thing. i'm like, what are you talking about? what was funny? they said, that was a bit, right? no, that was my level. that's where i am.
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>> jon: that's how i get into this thing. >> that's how i naturally got into it. >> jon: in your career you get chance... you're probably like me, i'm a huge sports fan. have you got an chance to get into athletic situations that have blown your mind or met an idol or anything like that? >> well, jon, you may not know, this but you're looking at a two-time celebrity m.v.p. for all-star weekend. >> jon: no, i didn't realize. what's your field of expertise? >> basketball. it is a pastime, thing of mine. whatever. i could have went to the league. i chose not to. >> jon:, no i understand. i understand. smart choice. you're doing very well. you and me should start a league for someone who considers themselves a size but is agile. >> i thought soccer, but i'm not really that fast. i've got pros and cons for everything i did. i box. i was good with trainer. but i hit his hand.
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he was like, it was nothing else. it was just his hand. i was like, yo, i'm really good. i'm fast. my timing is great. and one day we were doing it, and, you know, he did this. he's never done this ever. he's never... listen, we trained so much. not once has he ever done this, but i guess he expected nasty reaction. so i'm like one-two-three, bop-bop-bop. he went like this. he hit me. i stopped. i took my gloves off. i was like, what is that about? when did we start fighting back? what is that? i was pissed off. i was like, dude, i'm done with this session. >> jon: this is not boxing. >> kevin, you're supposed to duck. that's a punch, what you did. that's punch. he's like, i thought you would duck. well, you thought wrong, and you also just got docked.
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>> jon: i think that's wise. it's so good to see you. please, please, please come back and see us. the movie, "think like a man too," it's in the theaters on friday. the always wonderful kevin hart. >> thank you, man. ♪
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i'm taking off, but, uh, don't worry. i'm gonna leave the tv on for you. and if anything happens, don't forget about the new xfinity my account app. you can troubleshoot technical issues here. if you make an appointment, you can check out the status here. you can pay the bill, too. but don't worry about that right now. okay. how do i look? ♪ thanks. [ male announcer ] troubleshoot, manage appointments, and bill pay from your phone. introducing the xfinity my account app.
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>> jon: that's our show. here it is, the moment of zen. >> there are two rules in politics. they say never ever be pictured with a drink in your hand and never swear. but this is a big [bleeped] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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(yelling) [beep] >> holy [beep] [beep] [beep] [ applause ] ♪ >> apparently a black pen cracked. welcome to tosh.oment tonight the bug and reporter gets redeemed, knife and banana and women screw up simple instructions. now let's see the guy wave hi to us again. he should of tried this in the phone pit first. >> holy [beep] holy [beep] >> calm down. it migh might just be a high ane