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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 19, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> jon: hey, that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> do you know how easy it is to infuriate europeans. watch this, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome to the report. welcome. thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, folks. sit down. folks thank you so much. oh, you, my brother, it was gorgeous and yum, " why um. thank you so much for being here tonight. i told you all about the recent surge of violence in iraq and how it caught president obama with his mom jeans down. ( laughter ) but you know what they say-- every brutal terrorist onslaught has a silver lining. in this case it brought back my old pals, the iraq pack, and they are sing the same old tune.
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>> look, i think we should have found a way to keep an american presence in iraq. >> president bush did exactly the right thing in overthrowing saddam hussein. >> i'm not responsible for iraq today. that's because of what barack obama did. >> general petraeus had the conflict won, thanks to the surge. we had the conflict won. and we had a stable government. >> stephen: john mccain is right-- we had that conflict won in 2009 when we left iraq a peaceful, smoldering democracy. ( laughter ) i believe we have some footage of baghdad at the height of the surge. ♪ ♪ ( cheers ). >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) there were a few upticks in violence, but for the most part, when we left the sunni and the shia were bronies. it was especially nice to see
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the return of the leader of the iraq pack, old dead eyes. he crawled out from under his undisclosed rock to point an icy finger of truth at barack obama. in an op-ed in what many are calling the "wall street journal," cheney writes, "rarely has a u.s. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many." yes, rarely, maybe only one other time. ( laughter ) ( applause ) of course, the liberals, the liberals-- ( cheers ) , of course, the liberal media went right after him, especially left wing loon megyn kelly. >> time and time again, history has proven that you got it wrong as well in iraq, sir. you said there was no doubt saddam hussein had weapons of mass destruction. you said we would be greeted as liberators. you said the iraq insurgency was in the last throes back in 2005. and you said that after our intervention extremists would have to "rethink their strategy
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of jihad." now with almost $1 trillion spent there, with 4500 american lives lost there, what do you say to those who say you were so wrong about so much at the expense of so many? >> no, i fundamentally disagree, reagan-- megyn. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that was no mistake. as a true conservative, every sentence has to contain at least one reagan. ( laughter ) and he just fundamentally disagrees with reality. it's easy now to monday morning "not invade iraq" but dick cheney remembers how it felt at the time so right. >> you've got to go back and look at the track record. we inherited a situation where there was no doubt in anybody's mind about the extent of saddam's involvement in weapons
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of mass destruction. >> stephen: there was no doubt about the extent of saddam's involvement in w.m.d.s, but we did the right thing and invaded anyway. folks, it takes huevos ran cheerios to blame the outcomeave war you started on the man who ended it. in fact, i'd say those things he's swinging could be balls of mass destruction, which means we have no choice but to invade dick cheney's sack. ( cheers and applause ). we have got satellite imagery of this man's nuts, and he is definitely hiding something down there, maybe aluminum tubes. i don't know. now, for national security reasons i cannot show them to you. just trust me that the white powder in colin powell's vial this time is gold bond. ( applause ) folks, you know me, i believe in
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three square meals a day. that's why i only eat graham cracker and velveeta sandwiches. this is thought for food. ( cheers ) ( applause ) folks, when it comes to education, there is one crucial thing a child needs-- name-brand food products. you got every subject right there in the vending machine-- three musketeers-- that's english class. bugles-- that's band. and aquafina-- pretty sure that's latin. but the michelle obama health-stapo is now cracking down on the marketing the less-nutritious foods in schools with new rules limiting how much fat, sugar, and sodium they contain, ingredients which are usually limited only by our imagination. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers )
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( laughter ) >> and, folks, this poses a particular threat to domino's pizza who have outlets in 3,000 schools in 38 states but they've outsmarted the first lunch lady by introducing the domino's smart slice which has one-third less fat in the pepperoni, one-third less salt in the sauce, and cheese with half the fat so that it fits the new health standards. but don't worry, these changes don't sacrifice the usual domino's-- i want to say taste. ( laughter ) for example, school food must contain at least 50% whole grains. so 51% of the smart slice crust uses a whole wheat flour that is made to look and taste like it's white flour and that sends a great message to our kids-- 51% is a passing grade. ( cheers )
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( applause ) best of all, best of all, domino's has no plans to sell the smart slice in shops. ( laughter ) which is why i want to say something no one's ever said to domino's before-- well done. because you-- ( applause ) you, domino's, have the means and capability to craft a healthier pizza that looks and tastes like your normal product but you refuse to sell it to me. ( laughter ) you know that if i'm ordering domino's, i have zero interest in health. in fact, i might have a death wish. ( laughter ) finally-- by the way, it's delicious. you should eat it. finally, there's no question that when it comes to snacking, america's number one. we have the biggest gulps. we have the slimmest jims. even our yuns are the funnest. but, folks, doritos, doritos has
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just kicked our snacking up a notch with three new mystery flavors identified only by the numbers 404, 855, and 2653. finally, doritos is naming chips for the atomic numbers of their active ingredients. ( cheers and applause ). all i know about these chips, all i know about these chips is that at some point during the manufacturing process they became jacked. which, according to doritos, means they're 40% bigger in size and thickness. you know it's good food when the marketing sounds like spam for an estonian boner pill. guess what, nation? ( applause ) if you don't want to take a chance on these chips, you're a coward. because according to the doritos vice president of marketing, "there is nothing as bold as stepping into the unknown and crunch into an unknown mystery chip." nothing as bold.
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we put a man on the moon. we harnessed the power of the atom. ( cheers and applause ) but never, never have we discovered anything that americans won't eat. ( laughter ) well, folks, i for one am up to the challenge of having my taste buds jack slapped by these chips, okay. ( cheers and applause ) there you go. first of all, i gotta say, i love the nondescript mirror packaging. it's a great way to see that, yeah, yeah, i'm the one eating this. ( laughter ) let's try some 855 right here. mmm-mmm. hold on. mmm. okay. i'm getting notes of salt. ( laughter ) that transitions into a salty flavor. before finishing with just a hint of salt.
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( laughter ) you know what? i'm gonna finish that later. ( applause ) my one quibble-- my one quibble is i still know way too much about these chips. for example, they're doritos. who wants to get bogged down with all that information? i'm trying to eat here, not read. that's why tonight i'm swriewtion my own experimentally vague snack product-- put it in your mouth. ( cheers and applause ) each bag of put it in your mouth is packe packed with its conten. what are those? eat some and tell us. eat what you think you ate and you could win more of whatever that was. look for it at your local grocer's.
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seriously, could you help us look for it because some of it has escaped from the lab. introducing new johnny appleseed hard apple cider. refreshingly sweet and intense. and bursting with a crisp apple bite. so try a johnny appleseed hard apple cider tonight and let the stories flow.
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>> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much. nation, you know, you read the papers, you know that we americans live in an unprecedented era of communication technology, from tablets to smartphone to futuristic glasses that instantly send a message, i'm a douche. now there's a new yap that has expanded the possibilities for
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communication by drastically reducing them. >> the new smartphone yap simply called yo, users connect with each other through the free yap and push one button to send the word yo to a contact. so far, 50,000 users have sent about four million yo's. >> stephen: that's right, yo, an yap already hugely popular with the world's population of sylvester stallone. now, when i first learned about an yap that boiled down all your communication into two letters, i expressed myself in one. why? ( applause ) but i joined-- ( cheers ) i joined the yo-th movement when i read the company boasts it takes 11 taps to send the word yo on a rival messaging service compared to two on their yap. that's a nine-tap difference difference. taps you could be spending with your children. ( laughter ) but the true beauty of only said yo is it says so much.
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as its developer puts it we like to calm cawl it coct-based messaging. you understand by the context what is said. context is everything. in the old days if i texted someone the world yo, and i wanted them to know what it meant, i had to follow up with gurt. and yo is also good for business. for instance, an ice cream truck can yo the kids around the corner. engine getting a yo from the ice cream truck, and parents can sign up to tell their kids to stay away from anyone with the user name "theicecreamtruck." but why are they limiting this breakthrough to just our phones? i believe we can implement yo's context-based communication philosophy neferred life. come on out, jay. jay the intern, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) yo. >> yo. >> stephen: yo. >> yo.
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>> stephen: yo. >> yo. >> stephen: yo. >> yo. >> stephen: yo-yo-yo-yo. >> yo. >> stephen: yo! yo. >> yo. yo. >> stephen: yo! >> yo. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yo. ♪ yo, yo, yo ( cheers ) >> stephen: yo-yo-yo-yo.
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mounta taco bell original, is now in bottles and cans. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- aaaaaaaaaaaaa! what?! get some while you still can. here this summer. gone this summer. [sound of rain.]
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let's get redd's strawberry ale. just what i was thinking. redd's strawberry ale. fresh like a strawberry; brewed like an ale. [sound of rain.] avo: withbook any flightways get the lowest price or hotel and if you find it for less, we'll match it and give you 50 dollars off your next trip expedia, find yours ♪ stuck in a contract ? switch to t-mobile we'll pay your early termination fees so you can get the galaxy s 5 for $0 down right now! ♪
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what art thou drinking isaac? giveth me a redd's apple ale! gravity! what's that? i have no idea. redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like an ale.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight spent the last three years fielding reporters' questions. to make him feel at home, i won't believe a word he's saying. please welcome jay carney! ( cheers and applause )
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hey, jay, thank you for coming on. all right. uh, uh, jay. >> stephen. >> stephen: stephen colbert, the "colbert report." i have a 12-part question. jay, are you going to answer any of my questions today? >> i'll say a lot. >> stephen: you'll say a lot? all right. are you still working for the white house officially right now? >> i have another 24 hours as white house press secretary, so -- >> stephen: okay, good. ( cheers and applause ). so i can still maintain a healthy contempt for you. because as soon as you're not working for that guy, you know i'm going to like you. >> well i hope so. >> stephen: what are you going to do? first of all, why are you quitting, you quitter? could you not take it? >> i got an e-mail from somebody calling me a quitter. >> stephen: you are a quitter, quitter. man up. there's a war about to start in iraq again. come on. don't you want to answer those
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questions? >> you know, i got an e-mail earlier this year from someone who said,un," you're the longest serving white house press secretary since the mid-90s." and i chebd, and it's true. i didn't quite realize that it was such a high-burnout job. because i-- i'm a glutton for punishment, and i actually like it. >> stephen: really? >> i love it, and i like-- there's nothing better, i find, than really contentious briefing to make my day. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, you've had a few. >> i've had a few. >> stephen: do they tellue are you having a meeting before you go out there saying, remember, this is going to be the subject, let's all--" it might be, "this is how the president feels or this is the administration's policy." or do you some days go out there and say, "i'm going to wing this and try not to start an international incident?" >> there is a danger that as you've done it for a while, you begin to think you don't need to actually -- >> stephen: i'm kind of the president. i'm kind of the president. ( cheers and applause ) you know what i mean?
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you feel like, hey, the camera's pointed at me. i must be the man. >> make some policy today. no, what you realize is that when you speak for the president and the white house and the united states, you have to be careful. and you-- you could inadvertently cause a crisis or a misunderstanding between our nation and another nation. so we did spend a-- we do spend a lot of time before briefings, going over what is the new development or what new are we saying about a crisis overseas or at home. >> stephen: what's the biggest mistake you ever made? where did you really shank it? biggest regret like, "i shouldn't have said that." >> my biggest regret is occasionally i took the bait. and when you're at the podium, you're a little above everybody else -- >> stephen: i've stood up there. it's a heady feeling. >> and you can, you know, dictate a little bit how the briefing goes by calling on the next person. seats easy to win an exchange. when somebody's getting ride up
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and filled with sometimes saying -- >> stephen: come ojay! >> exactly. >> stephen: you didn't answer the question! >> and if they're really obnoxious and you get a little rattled and you sort of engage, you finish the exchange thinking i won that. i killed. and then you look at it later on tv, and you realize that nobody actually sees the whole exchange. they just see you wagging your finger or, you know, looking like a jerk. and that's not good for the president. so those are the-- i didn't do that often. but when i did -- >> stephen: it was to jonathan carl of abc news. ( laughter ). >> it could have been. we had our moments. >> stephen: you two had your tense moments. now, why don't you guys just get a room. becausa-- ( laughter ). >> you know, he and others in that room are doing their jobs. >> stephen: a job you did. >> i used to do it. i did it a little differently because i was working -- >> stephen: because you're better than they are, right? a little bit differently.
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>> thank you for saying that but i was a "time" magazine reporter back when it was a weekly magazine. when i covered clinton and george w. bush, before there was that need, even at the magazines, to sort of, you know, fill the news hole every minute, every hour of every day. >> stephen: i believe request the time" magazine has changed its name to "the news hole." ( laughter ). >> so what that meant was i didn't engage in that kind of back-and-forth very often with the press secretary. but those folks are doing their job. sometimes i think that the fact that the briefing is televised in its entirety, something that mike mccurry back in the 90s under clinton has said yes to and apologized to every successive press secretary, creates a theatericality to it and some sort of, you know, righteous indignation. people pose and they want to hear themselves talk or they want to create moments, creating
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some drama. >> stephen: and sometimes shut the ( bleep ) up. ( laughter ) ( applause ) did you ever-- did you ever-- did you ever-- >> oh, did i want -- >> stephen: hey, hey, guys i've got a question for you. why don't you bite me. >> you know, yesterday i had my last briefing from the podium and i thought about it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: when you were growing up, did you want to be a press secretary? did you have a poster of truman's press secretary? the vest. the flak jacket. >> it's not a very impressive flak jacket. >> stephen: are you allowed to tell what note you left or is that a secret? you leave a note, right? >> i'm going to write one tomorrow for josh earnest who has been a fantastic deputy and will be a -- >> stephen: i've already said this to you, but what a name for press secretary.
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josh earnest. his name means just kidding but seriously. thank you. white house press secretary jay carney for 24 more hours. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. what kind of beer do you want? get me a... get me a redd's apple ale. yea. me too. redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like an ale. a mint flavor that hointensifies as you chew.. 5 ascent gum. stimulate your senses.
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have your next burger with a side of awesome. the one-of-a-kind, creamy blend of sweet and tangy. miracle whip and proud of it. [sound of rain.]
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let's get redd's strawberry ale. just what i was thinking. redd's strawberry ale. fresh like a strawberry; brewed like an ale. [sound of rain.] ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good n captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> less's 11:5 and 5 seconds this happened on youtube. we have all seen videos of people eat the spiciest pepper hoping that the youtube views can fill the hole in their hearts that eating chili peppers has caused. but now a video posted showing thousands of-- gathered together after being dared. take a look, between the