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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 23, 2014 6:53pm-7:26pm PDT

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however brazilians say "gracias" in portuguese because last night in brazil at the world cup america won a soccer. >> a world cup victory for team u.s.a. >> the dramatic game that had the whole nation cheering. >> team u.s.a. defeating ghana 2-1. >> millions of americans are celebrating this morning. >> we have soccer fever. >> stephen: yes, we have soccer fever, and one of the symptoms of soccer fever is victory foot. u-s-a! ole! ole! ole!. folks, this is a huge day for america's sports fan, who have been excited about the world cup ever since they noticed it was happening, which was shortly after the nba finals ended on sunday. [laughter] now, it's no secret, i have always been a soccer fan. and i know that i have said soccer is as exciting as watching drying paint play manila envelopes to a 0-0 tie,
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but i was just being hard on soccer because i love it. i wanted it to get better and it did. you're welcome. >> folks, this was a thriller of match. team u.s.a.'s clint dempsey stunned ghana with a goal in the opening 29 seconds, which is good, because most americans' attention span for soccer is 30 seconds. ole, ole, ole, ole! unfortunately, due to copyright issues, i cannot show you more than 15 seconds of world cup video, but we've done our best to bring you all the excitement of the big moment. >> that pitch looks superb. it's a bit hard, though, isn't it? >> the players were talking about how if it is going to rain tonight, they were watering this before the game, and it's very difficult to pick the right footwear because it's so hard that it's wet on top. >> dempsey. great shot. dempsey scores!
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[cheering] >> stephen: great moment. what an incredible moment for dempsey. sadly he forgot about it seven seconds later. now, that goal was followed by an incredible late-game header by substitute john brooks to win it. >> what about that? it's john brooks. incredible. he couldn't even have dreamt that. [laughter] >> stephen: oh, no, english accent guy? >> i had a dream like two days before that i scored in the 88th minute, and now it's the 86th minute. >> you had a dream about that? >> i had a dream. >> stephen: he had a dream. he is the martin luther king of soccer. free kick at, last free kick last, thank god almighty, free kick last.
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after the victory, fans across america went wild, and of course the team celebrated the traditional soccer way by loading into mom's minivan and heading to pizza hut where john brooks continued his hot streak on mrs. pacman. go, u.s.a.! now, nation, my soccer team isn't the only reason i'm feeling like a winner. one week ago today house majority leader and lenscrafters model understudy eric cantor lost his primary race to an unknown tea partier, david brat. now that cantor is out as majority leader, conservatives have already started the race to replace him. my predictions for that race: white. but, folks, cantor's downfall highlights a problem for the rnc. >> his support for immigration reform is the key reason behind his defeat. >> voters understood that if eric cantor went back to washington, that was a green light for immigration reform. >> eric cantor was accused of
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rushing towards a reform program that his opponent labeled "amnesty." >> stephen: yes, he supported amnesty. you mess with the bull, you get the horns, and i want to be clear, that's a rodeo bull metaphor, not a bull-fighting metaphor. i want to keep my job. sadly, it turns out a lot of the matadors have been voting. >> you have hispanics, you know, voting in larger and larger numbers. >> if the republican party is going to be successful in electing a presidential candidate in 2016, they're going to have to find a way to appeal to hispanic voters. >> stephen: okay. what about a presidential ticket with hispanic appeal, like ted cruz and somebody appealing? we'll work on it. we'll work on it. [applause] fortunately, folks, there is a way for the grand old party to win over hispanics without
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becoming un grande' el pollo'. and it's the subject of tonight's "word." [cheering and applause] shade of pale. republican candidates may not poll well with hispanics, but there is one group who has always given them support. and that group is white guys. in fact, in 2012, 62% of white men voted for mitt romney. those kind of numbers should have led to an awkward, regrettable victory dance, but there is some good news for the g.o.p. it turns out that a study by the pew research center of the last u.s. census analyzed the responses to two key questions: one, are you of hispanic, latino or spanish origin, and, two, what is your race? now, those two questions might seem really similar, so the answers are kind of tricky. >> so when the pew people
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studied the answers, they noticed something interesting. 2.5 million americans who identified themselves as hispanic and some other race in 2000, ten years later, identified themselves as hispanic and white, meaning hispanics are voluntarily becoming white. they're saying, adios, cinco de my-yo, and hello, cinco de may-o. and i do not blame hispanics. ladies and gentlemen, i do not blame hispanics for becoming white. you see, white people, white people get to live in the best neighborhoods, get the best jobs, appropriate the best music. and i believe this proves that being white is a choice. one i make every day. it shows in the way i dress, the way i dance, the way i own a boat. so i speak for all people.
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[cheering and applause] i believe i speak for all white people when i say, "welcome, trans-caucasians." i myself am cis-white. i've always been comfortable with my birth race, but there is room for all of you in the white community. and here's the thing, you are not alone. hispanics are just the latest immigrant group to become white. i mean, these days many people even consider italians to be white. but we cannot... i believe as nation we cannot stop at hispanics. the g.o.p. is a tent big enough for anyone willing to call themselves white -- asians, indians, blacks, whatever bruno mars is. [laughter and applause] of course, when you get down to it, republicans don't struggle only with ethnic minorities. they also struggle with gender majorities. like in 2012 when 55% of women
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voted for obama. so, ladies, you are welcome to join us, too. all you have do is identify as male, which, of course, is the white of genders. and once everyone starts seeing themselves as white males, conservatives can appeal to them by pointing out that they are under attack from the people they used to be. they'll know which side their bread is buttered on. so please, join us, hispanics, because once everyone is white, there won't be anything to fight over. and that's "the word." we'll be right back.
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[cheering and applause] >> welcome back, everybody. nation, folks, if you've been watching the show for the past eight and a half years, you know there is one moral evil i've crusade against since this show began. it's bow bow tie pass. also gay marriage. despite my firm belief that marriage is meant to be between one man, one woman, support for same-sex marriage has spread like dysentery through a cruise ship. jim? >> a new gallup poll finds support for marriage equality has hit an all-time high. 5% of americans now say -- 5% of americans say same-sex marriage marriages should be legally valid with the same rights as traditional marriages. >> let's look how quickly attitudes change. in 2004, an abc/"washington post" poll found gay marriage was opposed by 59% of americans. just ten years later, supported by 59%.
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steep gay icon john stossel is right. ever since the supreme court ruled that the defense of marriage act was unconstitutional, more and more states have run their own same-sex bans through the grinder. [laughter] day people are winning this war, folks. at last count gay marriages are now fully recognized in 19 states and the district of columbia. so a warning to all those congressmen who share an apartment to help save money. you are teetering on the edge of a common law gay flophouse. and the latest state to get trampled by the gay pride parade, wisconsin. just two weeks ago federal judge overturned the state's ban on same-sex marriage. not surprising. i mean, that whole state is literally a sausage-fest. thankfully, wisconsin conservatives are fighting back. >> wedding bells will not be ringing just yet for same-sex couples in wisconsin. >> the same judge who just last
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week overturned the state's ban on same-sex marriage now says couples will have to wait while the state's attorney general appeals the ruling. >> stephen: yes, over 550 same-sex couples with marriage licenses are stuck in legal limbo, which i believe is also the name of one of their bars, but it may be loosing fight, folks, because there are hints that wisconsin governor and presidential hopeful scott walker is reconsidering his stance on same-sex marriage. >> governor scott walker, who has gone on record opposing same-sex marriage, but since the ban was lifted, his opinion on the issue no longer matters. >> it doesn't matter what i think now. >> are you rethinking your position on same-sex marriage? >> i'm just not stating one. >> stephen: yes. he's just not stating one at all. i believe we must all respect walker's privacy at this difficult time to be against gay marriage. this is a personal matter between him and his pollster. it is none of the public's
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business what walker decides in the privacy of his own governor's mansion. in fact, i too have felt the changing tides and so tonight in solidarity with scott walker, i stephen colbert am officially taking no stand on gay marriage. [cheering and applause] where do i find the indifference? yes, i may have some said some crisp things about it in the past, like 90 seconds ago, but i have take harden look at public opinion, and i've decided to set the record straight... or gay. it may or may not matter to me. the point is i am passionate about my unwillingness to express ore even say the words. of my opinion. the point is, the point is i'm here, they're queer, let's talk
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about something else. when we return,ly talk about the very same thing with my guest david boies and ted olson. we'll be right back. ♪
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my gusts tonight are the legal team who fought to strike down california's same-sex marriage ban. great. now san francisco will seem totally gay. please welcome david boies and ted olson. [cheering and applause] good to see you. mr. olson. mr. boies, good to have you back. david, good to have you back. ted, wonderful to have you on for the first time. i want to have you on for a long time. now >> glad to be here finally. >> >> stephen: now you two, i have a bone to pick with you two gentlemen. your free rise is over on this gay issue. tell the people who you are. let's see, david boies, theodore olson, prominent lawyers in the
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country. you've argued over 70 cases before the supreme court, including the united states v. microsoft, the citizens united case, bush v. gore and on opposite sides. you're traditionally considered a liberal. you're considered a conservative. now, you two have got a new book called "redeeming the dream: the case for marriage equality." this describes the battle to get marriage equality all across the united states, but for you guys specifically the prop 8 case was the linchpin. >> exactly. >> stephen: how can the two of you be friends? [laughter] you fought on either side of bush v. gore. all right. you fought for gore. you fought for bush. >> and he accepted the outcome graciously. >> i'm a very forgiving person. >> stephen: i got a question on that one. a bush v. gore, great supreme court decision or the greatest supreme court decision? ted, i'll let you answer. what do you think? >> well, the supreme court decides it, and they decided
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that bush won that case and won that election. and i think it was a very solid decision. of course, i may be a little bit biased, but i think david agrees actually. >> stephen: i'm afraid we don't have time for his answer, but... >> that's exactly what the court said. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: you came together to fight for gay or same-sex marriage rights. and you've won every case so far. [cheering and applause] what is so compelling about your argument that you would come together from different sides of the political spectrum to fight for this? >> the thing that influenced
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david and me the most i think is that we're in a country discriminating against our fellow citizens. our neighbors and our children and our coworkers, we're discriminating against them. we're telling them that they're not entitled to be treated the same and to have the same rights and privileges and disadvantages. >> stephen: we treat them the same. none of them can get married to each other. that's called equal protection. are you familiar with that clause? >> that's exactly... >> we want them to be equal to us. >> stephen: is whole reason i got married was as a taunt to gay people, that they could not get married. it harms my marriage. it harms my marriage. >> every state this spreads to gets closer and closer to my house. >> in your neighborhood, they're already. there they're already living next to your house. >> are you making a list prosm innocent gay people? >> they are your neighbors. they are your friends. they are your coworkers. there are people who work for you here who wish to have the
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same rights and opportunities that the rest of us do. >> stephen: but doesn't society get to create moral standards? don't we as a society get to create our own moral standards, and haven't gay people, you know, nice people or not nice people, because not all of them are nice, let's face it. >> they're just people. >> stephen: except the rest of us are obeying a western moral standard. >> what's immoral about being married? >> married to another guy. we had a section on the show talking about how gay marriage is spreading and even scott walker is willing to express his opinion. now you're on. okay. that fits together like a male socket and female socket, okay. but a male socket and male socket together, no electricity. you understand? does that make sense in do you understand how electricity works? >> not a lot, but, you see, if it wasn't electricity, then they wouldn't want to get married. we're only talking about people who are in love, committed couples who have been together
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in some cases 10, 20, 30 years. people who are raising families. and people who simply want to have the same recognition for those unions, the same recognition for their children that they're raising that everybody else has. all they want is the opportunity to have the same family values, the same openness, the same recognition in their community that everybody, gay, straight, black, white, republican, democrat, everybody wants that. that's all that they're asking for. >> stephen: is this the argument being made before the supreme court? >> i don't know what the hell you're cheering for. whose side are you on? >> the argument we made before the supreme court is exactly that. in this country, we believe that all citizens are created equal, that they have equal opportunities. they have equal responsibilities. and gay and lesbian people, who
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consistent of large part of our population, are treated differently in california and the places we were talking about before we won in the supreme court. to change the chiewls in california. they were perceived as second-glass citizens. their relationships didn't count. it was damaging to them and damaging to their children. and it's not something that's trivial. it matters a great deal and everyone's life all of the time. >> stephen: you're a conservative. you're a liberal. the two of you have different political opinions and yet you're friends, but at the same time, you have different political opinions and are still friends. that's unnatural in america these days. it's like someone who loves coffee tolerating someone who drinks tea. where is your middle ground? >> we're trying to start a trend that would require for involved people actually listening to somebody who has a different opinion, especially over fine
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wine. >> stephen: oh, not in a difference of opinion other fine wine but drinking enough that the differences don't matter. >> yes. >> >> stephen: dave, thank you so much. ted, thank you so much. david boies and theodore olson, "redeeming the dream." we'll be right back. ♪
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join now at good afternoon. chase sapphire. this is stacy from springfield. direct access to a live advisor so you can get answers fast, and get back to the beach. chase sapphire preferred. so you can. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. whew! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. good show tonight. from the movie "think like a man too," "think like a man too," the great, the hilarious kevin hart will be joining us a little bit later. but our top story, we have a big story, there is big news out of libya. >> the u.s. has captured the suspected ringleader of the attack in bank of england, libya. >> commandos with drones overhead grabbed ahmed abu khattala, whisking him off to navy warship. >> u.s. intelligence tracked him to small seaside villa and quickly captured khattala without firing a shot. no one was hurt. >> jon: no shots, no wounds,
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no errors. the commanders even spruced up the villa for the next b&b guests, which i thought was very nice. great news all around, well-planned operation, executed flawlessly, terrorists captured without casualties. cannot find a single thing wrong, which is probably why i don't work at fox. >> what took the obama administration so throng capture ahmed abu khattala. >> 641 days after the president vowed to bring the killers to justice. >> jon: for god's sake, obama good night the guy you have been come make about. why are you being such moby dicks about this. oh, melville, why did you name your symbol of evil if a modern world? how easy should it have been for us to get him? >> khattala had been living in plain sight. >> he always met with journalists in public fairched sipping lattes at a local hotel in bank of england. >> sitting outside