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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 27, 2014 7:22pm-7:55pm PDT

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>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. we'll see you in two weeks. good night. ponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, oh, we love this woman, melissa mccarthy is going to be joining us tonight. we're so excited about that.
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[cheering and applause] but first, funny story, remember that time we invaded iraq to remove the threat of the world's most dangerous people using the world's most dangerous weapons and it turned out the threat wasn't there? well, good news, the threat's there now. [laughter] in some measure due to the destabilizing effect of our intervention. you'll never guess what the people who hyped the original plan would like to do now. >> we must grapple our best to help iraq meet this threat. >> it is absolutely essential that we stop isis from gaining this foothold in iraq. >> we need air power immediately to stop the advance. >> we have to act. we must act. >> jon: we must. [laughter] act. if we do, i think you're going to need acting lessons. but i do look forward to you and your friends starring in a new play called "a streetcar named we're always wrong."
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[laughter] all right. listen up. here's how we do it -- by the way, iraq isn't the only place that these guys want the play to open. >> i support putting people in africa. that's where this war is headed. >> chad has been screaming for help from the united states. >> in libya we can have a influence. >> helping the resistance in syria. >> whatever the kurds need we should provide them. >> help arm the ukrainian people. >> jon: there is no substitute for american military sis assistants. in fact, in a blind weapons test, nine out of ten client states prefer weapons from the united states compared to i can't believe it's not america. yes, there is apparently no country republicans will not put under the protection of the united states. except one. >> senate republicans today defeated a $60 billion plan for infrastructure jobs. >> senate republicans blocking a bill to renew expired tax breaks.
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>> blocked a $21 billion veterans bill. >> blocked an increase in the minimum wage. >> blocked the paycheck fairness act. >> block unemployment benefits. >> no is what the american people want. >> we're the party of hell no. [laughter] >> jon: well, i just want you to know, that sounds like a terrible party. i mean, with will there be dancing and pizza? >> hell no. >> jon: i got an idea. i got an idea. how about not making it harder for people to get food stamps. >> hell no. >> jon: okay. do you do anything but complain bitterly anymore? >> hell no. [laughter] >> jon: if you're a doodie head, say "hell no." >> hell no. >> jon: but seriously, they must have... the republicans must have good reasons for blocking every domestic bill that comes across their desks.
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>> we cannot afford it. we just don't have the money. >> america's going broke. -government is broke. >> you can't keep spending more money than you have. >> jon: we're spending money willy-nilly. did you know we're saving up to get a more patriotic statue of liberty. ba-bam! that's what i'm talking about. you know, there are all kinds of reasons why republicans believe domestic spending is folly. >> big government doesn't work. >> massive government spending, particularly debt spending, is not the solution. >> last thing we want do is add to the debt and deficit. >> the negative consequences of our intentions. >> rampant waste, fraud and abuse. >> we need to make sure our programs encourage work, not dependence. >> our policy cannot be to relegate more and more of our citizens to dependence on the government. >> jon: does out of control government spending have the same corrupting effect on non-americans. >> the goal in iraq was to help
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the iraqi people to govern itself. >> create real democracy for people who want it. >> help afghans begin to build a new democracy, build their economy and provide basic service and expand health care as well as open up schools. >> and allowing for freedom to spread around the world. >> jon: basically when we give other countries government assistance, they handle it great. but when we get it ourselves, we [bleeped] it all up. [laughter] why is it you don't seem to care about unintended consequences, waste, fraud and abuse and culture dependency when it comes to the unlimited checkbook for foreign military adventures? >> of course the war has been costly, but we've been protected from attack here at home. >> jon: bull [bleeped]. putting aside the questionable contention that the wars in iraq and afghanistan have kept us safe here at home, you do know terrorism isn't the only thing americans would like to be protected from. >> the american society of civil engineers gives america's
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crumbling infrastructure a d-plus. >> the v.a. says at least 23 people have died waiting for care. >> 50 million americans living below the federal poverty line. >> temperatures could go up by 9 degrees this century, and sea levels could rise an extra 10 to 21 inches. >> 30 americans die from gun violence in this country every single day. >> jon: none of it is terrorism, right? because then we'd have do something about it. if there is one man who embodied the ethos of the republican party, i'd have to say, it's our old friend jeff sessions of alabama. never met a war appropriation bill he didn't like. >> we made a commitment to our troops, and they're prepared to put their lives at stake for us. i don't think they ought to be the slightest suggestion in any way that we're not going to honor that commitment. >> who do i make the check out to, sir? of course, he's not too worried about how it's going to work out. >> so you have faith that the
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cost of this war in casualties and the cost of like half a trillion dollars of risks in terms of getting people in the world not liking what we're doing is fairly obvious is all worth it because if we do fail, things fail, and we come home or we come home and after we come home, it goes back to a military coup. isn't that danger that we can't change the course of a country if we're only going to be there a limited amount of time. >> i don't believe that's going to happen. >> jon: no, he doesn't believe it! what? [laughter] unlimited money to go over there. i don't think anything bad's going to happen. well, how about spending some money on cleaning up the mess you made here at home for the veterans. >> we need to resist the temptation to create more entitlements and more entitlements, which is one of the reasons that we're heading recklessly to a fiscal crisis. but i don't think we should create a blank check, an
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unlimited entitlement program now. >> jon: go [bleeped] yourself. [cheering and applause] you know what, i'm worried. i'm really worried about the republicans. their inability to wean themselves off of military intervention. they have a culture of defendantcy, if you, will and i believe it's turned them all into warfare queens. i think we need to cut them off for their own good. we'll be right back. how can you see yourself in new glasses... without your glasses? at lenscrafters, our unique camera and screen system lets you compare yourself in four different frames at time. making sure all your vision choices are clear. lenscrafters loves eyes if it was, i would've iplayed it safe
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and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real avo: whatever you can imagine, all in one place expedia, find yours >> jon: welcome back. you know, summer's here. school's out. some kids are off to camp others may be taking a summer job. there might be more opportunities out there than you think. sam bee reports. >> farming, it's the backbone of this country, but did you know it benefits workers of all sizes. >> children as young as seven are legally working in u.s. tobacco fields. >> yes, according to a loophole in our agricultural labor law, our hard-working tykes are free to pick as much tobacco as they want. and for kentucky tobacco farmer and state senator paul hornback, it's the best thing for 'em. >> it's long days. it's in the heat. it's out there in the sun. some days it may be 100 degrees, but that's not bad.
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there are lots of places to get shade to, cool off to, rest for a little while. >> what would you say to people, "this work is too dangerous far 12-year-old?" >> children need to experience things, but not tobacco farming, according to a new report by human rights watch. they're pushing for a law to ban the practice. >> we don't need more laws on the books to try to protect everybody from everything that there is out there. >> kids are tougher than we give them credit for? >> that's exactly right. when i was a seven-year-old, i was wanting to work. i was wanting to do what the men were doing. >> he was right. working on family farm fills me with pride. and no one knows better than these three tobacco-pulling scamps who have enjoyed working on a different tobacco farm in north carolina since they were 12. so tell me about your experiences working on the tobacco farm. i'll start you off. your grand pappy wakes you up. you get a nice, nutritious breakfast, farm fresh chicken
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eggs. maybe the farmer's wife brings you a cool drink of lemonade to refresh you. >> no. >> definitely not. totally the opposite. >> really nothing like that. >> no. >> we're not the farmer's family. we're actually working for the farmer, and they don't even bring us water sometimes. they barely give us breaks. >> all kids complain about work. >> kids do complain a lot. >> we're raising a society that's too soft. >> what i'm hearing from you is that american children are pussy s. >> i appreciate that you won't say it, but just nod with me if you agree. >> it's some of the hardest work you will do. you may steen-year-old picking tobacco, but you won't see him there all day. >> i worked 12 hours day. -or sometimes a little bit longer. >> is that typical? >> from the sun comes up until the sun comes down. >> how many shady naps did you
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goat take to refresh yourself? >> i have not taking any naps working. >> it's like 100 something degrees outside. >> and we're working. >> i'm sorry. i thought i was talking to some teenagers who took pride in their work. and the killjoys at human rights watch don't want america's children experiencing the pleasure of tobacco. which they are not yet legally allowed to purchase. tobacco farm is no place far child. >> you know what, my son is 16 years old. he still wears velcro sneakers. i wish i could send him to a tobacco field to let him do an honest day's work. >> many children suffer from nausea, vomiting, headache, dizziness from working with nicotine plants. >> haven't we all felt disney and nauseous while at work. >> no, i don't get sick at work. >> maybe you need to work a little harder. i'm constantly throwing up at my job. >> i used to get sick at least three times every summer. >> like sick with excitement?
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>> throw up. headache. it seemed like the world was revolving around my head. i felt like i was going to die. >> acute nicotine poisoning is not that big a problem. it's no different than a 24-hour stomach virus. >> it's like one cough or fainting spell or vomit attack and everyone starts freaking out. >> that's right. >> you know? >> and we do things, like wear the plastic garbage bags. we do those things to protect our health. i saw that. >> see, our children are already pampered with the heftiest safety technology gladly provided we the farmers. kirkland? >> the farmer does not bring us anything like that. we have to provide our own stuff. >> we have to buy it ourselves, gloves, bags. >> okay. wow. you're making it very hard for me to ironically support child tobacco labor. >> what will be next? can they not work out in the heat then picking pumpkins? can they not working picking green beans.
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>> first they came for our while tobacco farmers and i said nothing because i had acute nicotine poisoning and was doubled over in pain. lucky for paul, tobacco work can still teach our children one valuable lesson. >> you never appreciate a good job until you've had bad one. >> you're so right. those children are going to appreciate the bleep out of their next job. >> is samantha bee. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] welcome to no man's land. it's a place you've been before, but it's not on any map. so go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. ♪ we're all born wild. ♪ let's keep it that way. the 2014 4runner. toyota. let's go places.
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i'm taking off, but, uh, don't worry. i'm gonna leave the tv on for you. and if anything happens, don't forget about the new xfinity my account app. you can troubleshoot technical issues here. if you make an appointment, you can check out the status here. you can pay the bill, too. but don't worry about that right now. okay. how do i look? ♪ thanks. [ male announcer ] troubleshoot, manage appointments, and bill pay from your phone. introducing the xfinity my account app.
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>> jon: welcome back. my gust tonight has a new movie out called "tammy." >> do it, do it! okay. the corner. >> whoa. >> oh. sorry about that. oh, god. mark twan national forest? where are we? >> we're in missouri. we went in the wrong direction and you do know who mark twain is, right? >> i know who he is. good guy. he's a good guy. >> jon: please welcome back to the program melissa mccarthy. come on! [cheering and applause] melissa mccarthy is here. melissa mccarthy is here.
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melissa mccarthy. how are you? >> there's always this fear of tipping right over. >> jon: can i tell you something? we nearly killed jimmy carter. >> oh, really? >>. >> jon: a few years back. we don't even have it. this little part right here, this edge part? that wasn't here at all. and jimmy carter sat down and kicked back. and this thing went wink and took him to the edge of concussion town. [laughter] isn't that crazy? >> i had a jimmy carter wind-up peanut as a child. >> jon: really? >> yeah. those were the cool toys i played. with i loved it. we went to washington, d.c. i got a peanut with jimmy carter's face on it and two little feet. when you wound it up, it went. i still have it somewhere. it's like, that's awesome. >> jon: you worked with your husband on this? >> i did. >> jon: you wrote it with him?
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>> i did. >> jon: he directed it. >> i know. >> jon: do you still like each other? >> no. we have not spoken in months, and by "months," i mean a year and a half. everybody is like, that seems like a recipe for disaster. i loved it. he's the calmest, nicest guy, and he's a real smarty and he's really funny. that's kind however he directed. >> jon: that's nice. >> was there ever a side in a scene where it wasn't going so well where he all of sauden turned red and fired a child? was there anything like that, where you're like, i've never seen you do anything like that before? >> only on the day jihad -- jodhpurs was like, "do it again, mccarthy." >> have you ever worked with a director that was just edgy and made it a little bit tough? you don't have to say their name, although if you would like to. >> i did one commercial, and the person never came down. it was a guy.
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i don't know who it was. he never came down to say, like, hey, thanks for showing up. he stayed way up in like a glass booth somewhere. and he just yelled at us through a speaker all day. it was the weirdest thing. at first i thought it was a joke. at first i thought it was funny. can you imagine if she just did that all day? that's like let's not... let's not... that's probably not funny. i was like, i was just moving boxes. it was like factory from one place to another. he's like, a little more energy. well, don't go crazy. >> jon: find your center. >> so however i was moving boxes sucked apparently because i was either too fast or too slow and there was three of us and nobody knew who he was yelling at. >> jon: i went on a commercial audition years ago. when you would go in for chilis and it's you and three people you never met before. "you're best friends and you're having nacho party and these
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napkins are nachos. go. number three, have fun. >> number three, you're upsetting us. >> jon: this is the most fun i've ever had. >> god bless, there's always one person, there's a bunch of nice people, everyone is trying to get a job, and then there's always one crazy, which is probably in any group. but there was a girl that came storming in the room once. there were like 15 of us, and then 15 kids, and then literally a huge area where there were ten different commercials. i never got hired for those because they hated me. this girl came storming in with all the energy of like just a true maybe unbalanced... >> jon: a diva. >> she came up to me. she went in for some kind of clapping thing. before cool handshakes were in. and then immediately she sat down and was like trying to be in on a joke that no one else was in.
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when we went new york i probably should not be telling this story. >> jon: tell it! tell it! >> we went in and she goes, you guys are my friend, so let me set it up. we're cool. i was like, i don't know you. she's like, just let me set it up. she came, in hey you guys, what are you doing? like they clearly didn't know her. they're like, what have you been up to? she's like, just got over an abortion, doing cool. hanging cool. >> jon: oh, my god. >> hanging cool, doing what i do, auditioning a lot. it was like abortion, hanging cool, getting the word out about my acting. and i literally was just like... like i know i went real weird. i think i started being like, i can take myself out of the room. and she's like kind of hanging on me like we're buds. i was like, oh, i'm getting so nauseous. i don't know what to do. there niece answer to that. then strangely we did not get
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that job. >> jon: really? when is "tammy"... "tammy" is coming out on the second. >> the second. >> jon: it's going to be a huge blockbuster. i'll tell you why. >> why? >> jon: people love melissa mccarthy. i love melissa mccarthy. melissa mccarthy, everybody. [cheering and applause] ♪ vo: once upon a time there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water
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i'm taking off, but, uh, don't worry. i'm gonna leave the tv on for you. and if anything happens, don't forget about the new xfinity my account app. you can troubleshoot technical issues here. if you make an appointment, you can check out the status here. you can pay the bill, too. but don't worry about that right now. okay. how do i look? ♪ thanks. [ male announcer ] troubleshoot, manage appointments, and bill pay from your phone. introducing the xfinity my account app. >> jon: hey, everybody. that's our show. listen up, so i'm -- i've probably done 2,400, 2,500 of
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these "daily shows." we have a writer who has probably done 2,800, 2,900, and he has decided for whatever reason, after only 2,900, that i'm good, that's enough. boy, we're going to miss him. a great writer. he has like, like the show, evolved, grown from, you know, a comic-turned writer to an accomplished writer with just a lovely wife and family and just great guy. so j.r. haviland, we're going to miss you. here's your moment of zen. >> hey, craig, how come you're such a cutup, such a card? >> well, it takes the combined efforts of a number of highly trained people. let's meet "the daily show" writers. >> small forward, from the juvenile detention center in california, j.r. halveland, my
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baby. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh [springs bouncing] - [breathing heavily] [snaps fingers] bro. - what? - lock 'em. lock 'em. yeah.
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[bleep] yeah, bro. how awesome is this? - it's cool. - [bleep] yeah, it is. hit it. hit it. hit it. hit it. yeah. dude...synchronize. synchronize. yeah, yeah, there it is. now we're doing it. now we're doing it. now we're doing it. now we're doing it. ♪ doing it with my bro doing it with my bro ♪ ♪ i love every second of doing it with my bro ♪ - it's--it's pretty awesome. - can you believe it? - can you just...? - yo. yo. right there, man. just give me five, man. - [sighs] - give me five, bro. come on, that's [bleep] [bleep]. come on. - [sighs] - come on. oh, you're with me now. - you know... - you are with me now. - that's disturbing. - keep 'em locked. keep 'em locked. you ain't goin' nowhere. give me five. - mm-mm. - give it back. - get your--