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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 16, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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♪ >> stephen: tonight, obama unveils his plan to fight i.s.i.s. while i.s.i.s. unveils their plan to veil everyone. (laughter) then advice for a struggling restaurant chain. three words -- cheese-filled forks. (laughter) and my guests tonight, "unlocking the truth," are a heavy metal band made up of 12 and 13-year-olds. they available for their own bar mitzvahs. (laughter) ryan gosling has welcomed his firstborn child into the world. wait -- what do you call a baby gosling? (laughter) this is "the colbert report"!
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♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everyone! thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you! folks, thank you so much! i tell you, these people out there, they are the ones generating all the energy and
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all the heroism! these are the it-getters! i just ride the waves of their truth. nation, i hope i don't have to tell you that america faces an existential threat from the brutal terrorists in i.s.i.s., also known as "the islamic state." (laughter) by the way, that is not safety school. (laughter) i.s.i.s. has become my official number-one enemy. you're off the hook for now, raisins in salad. (laughter) now, president pacifist has finally declared kinda-sorta war, which i kinda-sorta support. (laughter) i know some of you are asking, "doesn't he need congressional approval to declare war?" to which i respond, "shut up, greg." (laughter) congress already gave president obama all the authority he needs back when he was a better president. (laughter) jim? >> it is the view of this administration that the 2001aumf
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continues to apply to i.s.i.l. >> stephen: yes, the authorization for the use of military force" or "aumf"! aumf still applies to i.s.i.s., even though aumf-cording to the aumf -- (laughter) -- the president's authorized to use all necessary and appropriate force against those nations, organizations or persons he determines planned, authorized, committed or aided the terrorist attacks that occurred on september 11, 2001. of course, i.s.i.s. didn't attack us in 2001. that was al quaida. but the president fixed that. >> i.s.i.l. is a terrorist organization, pure and simple. it was formerly al quaida's affiliate in iraq. >> stephen: okay. i.s.i.s. was affiliated with al quaida -- so they're bombable. (laughter) it's like if congress gave the president authorization to bomb nirvana in 1994, he could still blow up the foo fighters today. (laughter) after all, they have declared
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jihad on foo! (applause) they have declared jihad on foo! (laughter) now, while "i" fully support the president's plan of doing this with drone strikes, some oppose it. first of all, me. also, south carolina senator and your disapproving aunt, lindsey graham. (laughter) >> it's going to take an army to beat an army. this idea we'll never have any boots on the ground to defeat them in syria is fantasy. our strategy will fail yet again. the president needs to rise to the occasion before we all get killed back here at home. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: we're all gonna die!
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he's so brave up there! (laughter) and worst of all -- no one will be alive to blame it on obama! (laughter) he's so brave to stay up there. because it's true -- without ground forces in syria, every man, woman and child in the united states, including puerto rico, guam and american samoa, are dead men walking. those 30,000 i.s.i.s. fighters will kill all 300 million of us over columbus day weekend. (laughter) for that matter, we could all be dead by the end of this sentence. okay. we dodged a bullet this time, but we could be dead by the end of this sentence. (laughter) okay. we're living on borrowed time. (laughter) unless i'm dead right now. i mean, this feels like heaven. (laughter) (applause) folks -- folks -- thank you. (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, folks.
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i agree with you. but while i applaud my fellow south cackalackian's statesman-like pants-crapping, please do not panic. hmm -- that really does not sound like me. (laughter) nope. same as always. 106.2. laugh and here's why you shouldn't panic -- because we "will" have ground forces, thanks to our closest ally: anyone who will do it. >> the president has ruled out u.s. combat troops and will rely on the iraqi army and the so-called moderate syrian opposition. >> kurdish peshmerga forces are fighting on the front lines. >> the peshmerga will be the boots on the ground. >> stephen: yes, the iraqi army, the moderate syrian opposition, and something called the kurdish peshmerga. which i believe is an aggressive and highly-lethal type of yogurt. (laughter) nation, i always support our
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troops and, apparently, these are them now. and i would buy each and every one of them a beer, or whatever muslims are allowed to drink. i'm gonna say, peshmerga? and if we're going into syria, the key is the moderate syrian opposition, whom the "new york times" describes as "a diverse group riven by infighting, with no shared leadership." good. if movies have taught us anything, it's that a ragtag band of underdogs can overcome any odds. (laughter) i say this war in syria will be just like e expendables 3, an expensive sequel that no one will want to see. plus, we've got a number of arab partners. that number? imaginary. >> the obama administration is so far unwilling to name those arab partners.
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but as one senior state department official put it, i don't want to leave you with the impression that these arab members haven't offered to do airstrikes, because several of them have. >> stephen: there it is. an anonymous official is telling us that our unnamed arab patters in definitely maybe won't "not" contribute something! (laughter) and that quote raise as lot of questions. first and foremost -- what the hell is going on in that cnn graphic? we see a globe, highlighting the region in question, suddenly a gentle breeze blows a quote onto the desk of world affairs through a gentle rain of magical news dust. (laughter) that's cnn -- 24-hour coverage of whatever floats by. and the reporting is dead-on -- (laughter) (applause) we have confirmed the reporting is dead-on because my graphics team can also confirm that the "boston globe" now reports that, while traveling through europe and the middle east in order to mobilize
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support for the operation against i.s.i.s., anonymous state department sources, when pushed for specifics on the extent of arab nation involvement, be it air support, ground support, logistics or technical support, apparently, "did not say which arab nations had offered to carry out airstrikes." (applause) point is, the administration -- that was like 200 man-hours of rendering. (laughter) point is, the administration won't identify our arab partners. but they swear we have "tons" of them out there. and they're willing to do all kinds of stuff with us. just like the other member of the coalition, our hot canadian girlfriend. she's real. she just can't visit because she's in school. but she's going to help us fight i.s.i.s. i swear! (laughter)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much! thank you!
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(cheers and applause) thanks so much! folks, i love the olive garden. it really evokes the authentic cuisine of one of my favorite spots in italy -- the olive garden in rome. (laughter) and like the slogan says, when i'm there, i'm family. which is why, when i'm there, i watch tv in my underwear. (laughter) unfortunately, my favorite chain just got kicked in the meet -- in the meatballs. >> a major investor attempting a takeover of olive garden releasing 300 pages that slam the restaurant chain's food and service. >> the investment group ripped into the company for everything from soggy salads to tasteless pasta. >> in what would be a dangerous insult to hurl at most italian cooks, it calls the pasta mushy and unappealing. >> they might as well say we're not even italian. >> stephen: of course, olive garden is italian! their corporate headquarters are in orlando. that is mere miles from epcot italy! (laughter)
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the report is all part of the hedge fund "starboard values'" aggressive attempt to take control of the olive garden's parent company, darden restaurants. it's a hostile-pitaliano takeover! (laughter) starboard laid out their case in an all-you-can-eat powerpoint presentation. slide 164 asks -- how does the largest italian dining concept in the world not salt the water for pasta? adding -- if you were to google "how to cook pasta," the first step of pasta 101 is to salt the water. >> jon: first of all, i think it's pretty clear. nobody at olive garden is googling "how to cook pasta." and maybe they don't salt the water, but they make up for that by putting salt in everything else -- the sauce, the salad, the soft drinks, the salt. believe me, nobody has ever left the olive garden saying "i need more sodium." but here's where starboard went overboard.
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>> one hedge fund says it has the answer of olive garden's money woes -- too many breadsticks. starboard value says olive garden's servers bring too many breadsticks to the table at a time. >> who knew there was such a thing as too many breadsticks! >> stephen: what the (bleep)! starboard wants to stop the unlimited breadsticks? what are we supposed to do now? eat limited bread in non-stick form? what are we? animals? folks, i am shocked by this blatant attempt by a few wall street bigshots to take away our carbohydrate rods. you know, i always thought hedge fund managers were on the side of the little guy... but i'm beginning to wonder whether wall street really has everyone's best interests at heart. (laughter) destroying the world economy is one thing, but i draw the line when they come for my complimentary dinner rods. wall street, don't you realize
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you're meddling with forces beyond your comprehension? the only thing preventing the masses from rising up against you was that they were all too logy from the breadsticks. (laughter) but now it's go time. i say we bring down the wall street fat cat portion-limit-stapo. who's with me? (cheers and applause) let's get 'em! (cheers and applause) you know, scratch that. i just gotta unbutton my pants for a minute. we'll be right back. [door bell rings]
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>> stephen: my guests tonight are a between metal band who have opened for "guns and roses" and "motorhead." or as they call them, "a bunch of old men." please welcome" unlocking the truth "! (cheers and applause) thanks for being here, guys! nice to see you. thanks so much for coming on! let's make sure i got this right. siis it malcom? >> yes. jarad and alec. >> stephen: malcolm brickhouse,
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jarad dawkins and alec atkins. you guys are officially the youngest guests i've ever had. you guys play metal and you play it hard. we'll hear it in just a minute if you want to stick around and play for us. how did you get discovered? tell the people what happened. >> well, me and jarad started when we were 7, and he came in, like, three years ago. >> stephen: you guys have been playing together since you were 7? >> yeah. >> stephen: how did you meet alec? >> i was always around. >> stephen: all right. and you guys were playing in times square? >> yeah. >> stephen: you were muscling in on elmo's territory. (laughter) all right. and you guys were playing there for how long? >> two years. >> yeah, a good two years. >> stephen: and you have been discovered. someone's given you a $1.8 million recording contract. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: so, um, how's eighth grade? good? is it good? >> yeah. >> stephen: what's your favorite class? >> nothin'. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. so you guys have got an e.p. coming out later this fall? >> yes. >> stephen: and it's called "hit me"? >> "free as you wanna be." >> stephen: how free do you want to be? >> free as a bird. >> stephen: let me ask you one other thing. why are you called "unlocking the truth"? i love the name. i do that every night. i unlock the truth every night. (cheers and applause) what is the truth you're unlocking? how did you get that name? >> if i say that, it's going to take a whole day. i'd rather not. >> stephen: is it a secret? >> it's basically, like, we're
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unlocking the truth about, like, life and you can do whatever you want to do and kids are always, like, they think that they can't do anything because they do what other people tell them to do but if you look past that and believe in yourself then you can accomplish anything you want to do. malcolm. >> stephen: let's unlock the truth now! malcolm brickhouse, jarad dawkins, alec atkins, the e.p. is "free as you wanna be." we'll be right back with a performance by "
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♪ ♪
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>> stephen: here to perform a song off their upcoming e.p., "free as you wanna be," ladies and gentlemen, "unlocking the truth."
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(cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ i am self-destruction i am everything ♪ i am the things that you told me to believe ♪ you are the destruction but you aren't everything ♪ you're the things that you told me to believe ♪ i am frankenstein brought back from the dead ♪ now i'm all in your head ♪ you are the puppet master i'm under your control ♪ i wish there was a puppet that could take control ♪ i am a monster i am a monster
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♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ i am a monster i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ she said i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ she said i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ ♪ ♪ you expect me to do everything ♪ you think i'm a slave this time you're wrong ♪ you don't love me you don't care ♪ you said you love but this isn't fair ♪ hate love us ♪ we are the monsters ♪ i am a monster
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i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ i am a monster i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ she said i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ she said i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ ♪ ♪ i am a monster
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i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ i am a monster i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ she said i am a monster i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ she said i am a monster i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ ♪ she said i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ ♪ she said i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ she said i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪ she said i am a monster ♪ that's what you told me, baby ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: "unlocking the truth." the e.p. is "free as you wanna be." good night. thank you. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on youtube today! what do you get when you cross two dads in their 40s, an acoustic guitar, a disinterested teen, and a bat on an afternoon campout? rabies! ( laughter ) >> it's a bat! >> holy ( bleep ). that nocturnal rodent was apparently annoyed by being awoken to the cast of two and a