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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 5, 2014 9:47am-10:18am PST

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>> stephen: detour to gridlock and things i am totally interested in. no, don't change the channel! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to "the report"! ( audience chanting "stephen" ) thanks, folks! we've got to do the show. thanks so much, everybody! thank you so much, folks! thank you for joining us in here and out there for this an historic night, the 2014 midterm elections! no election has ever been more mid-portant. so many questions have been answered, will the senate change
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hands? will the g.o.p. tighten its grip on the house? did any one really vote? and it's my last election night special. ( audience reacts ) as you know, i'm going off the air next month to pursue my dream of never covering mid terms again. and tonight i'm coming to you live! see, it says right up there! ( cheers and applause ) >> right up there in the corner it says "live," right up there on the screen. though from my side of the screen it actually spells "evil" ( laughter ) that's kind of creepy. jimmy, can we change that to something less spooky from my side like red rum? that's better. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. folks, you will notice tonight's
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show is more urgent, more intense, more past my bedtimey. so to keep me sharp i am hopped up on an american flag speed ball of red bull, meth and viagra! ( cheers and applause ) yes, ladies and gentlemen, tonight the stakes are high and so am i! it's a free-for-all! because republicans are poised to take back the senate! going into tonight, 45 safe democrat seats and 47 safe republican seats, leaving 8 key states with competitive races. if the g.o.p. picked up any four of these states, they control the senate majority. if not, they'll simply continue to control the senate from the minority. and we have results. in new hampshire seems incumbent democrat and world's shortest poem jeanne shaheen has defeated former massachusetts senator and
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man who claims he never heard of massachusetts scott brown. brown responded to the loss with grace, dignity and a down payment on a house in maine. ( laughter ) now we come to delaware and as usual continue throw new jersey where cory booker is reelected to the senate bringing the number of black male democrats having a good night to one. in the great state for kentucky, race between alison lundergan grimes and incumbent mitch lundergan mcconnell has been neck and neck flap ( laughter ) and with 97.3% of me reporting, mitch mcconnell has been reelected to the u.s. senate. big night for mcconnell. let's go live to mitch
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mcconnell's victory party. ♪ (laughter) of course... that does look like fun. the man still has moves. of course, as every election night, i am joined tonight by the entire colbert report election team, andrew sullivan and -- that's it. thanks for joining us. >> happy to be here. >> stephen: andrew will be leaving blogging results in our cyberelection cafe. what are we seeing on the web there andrew? >> nothing so far. i can't seem to get the internet. >> stephen: i should have told you, wi-fi is $12 with a purchase of a muffin. >> this is ( bleep ). >> stephen: thanks for that report, andrew. folks, of course, you know all my cable news colleagues out there are bringing it hot and hard tonight.
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fox news coming out blazing with a secret weapon so secret they won't stop talking about it. >> i had researched pulled for me. we had the fox news brain room come up with statistics for us. >> i checked with the brain room. >> i brain roomed there. >> our crack team in the brain room. >> i had the brain room back. >> the brain room -- >> stephen: as you suspected, fox news keeps all their brains in one room and-- (cheers and applause) and it's not the one with the cameras. ( laughter ) of course, msnbc have hair own big plans. they've announced live on air during midterm coverage chris hayes will go through puberty-- puberty. good luck, chris. explore your body. perfectly natural. but, as always, the one thing that truly matters on any election night is who has the touchiest touchscreen. >> bill hemmer will be at his
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billboard. >> i'm here at the billboard to take a close look at the races. we're watching what's at stake with the man. >> we're use our graphic to try to set the table for folks at home. >> stephen: bill hemmer is tracking what goes red and blue on the billboard and steve ducey will pinch out the same results from the duce dropper! ( cheers and applause ) color coded... but, of course, cnn's john king, as usual, sets the standard. >> cnn national correspondent john king is over at the magic wall. >> he's at the magic wall. >> spending a lot of time at the magic wall. >> stephen: yes, in their desperation, cnn is now dab ling in the dark arts. well, i will not be out-occulted. so let us venture, now, to a realm of netherrish wizard
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where the human mind is rent by the forbidden knowledge of the hell-bound! mountain of midterm madness!" ( cheers and applause ) yes! yes! welcome! welcome, my friends, to the mountains of midterm madness will i will summon election results from the damned before the nether god sogoth! and let's see who we've got. looks like we have a call in minnesota where democratic senator al franken will stay put in the senate. so either he's going a great job or minnesotans are too polate to ask him to leave. in mississippi, thad cochran has beaten democrat travis childers. i'm surprised we got the results this quickly since by law the ballots must be counted one
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mississippi, two mississippi, three mississippi, so on. ( applause ) moving to alaska between begich and sullivan, polls do not those till after midnight east coast time but colbert report watchers have the right to know before anyone else! so hear me! hear me all-seeing ones! drink now my blood! take now my soul! ( cheers and applause ) arrrrg! who won the alaska senate race? too close to call! seriously, i just sold my soul to the dark lord for all
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eternity and all i get is "too close to call"? >> okay, give me a second... ( laughter ) >> stephen: i could do that myself. i can't get on wi-fi. >> it's $12 and you have to buy a muffin. it's ( bleep ). here it is! >> the winner of the alaska senate race is... >> stephen: damn you! damn you! hear me! hear me nether gods! ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thanks so much! folks, i want to remind you all again "the tonight show" is live, and that includes the commercials you just saw. i hope none of them went off script like that shameful episode where the pillsbury doughboy talked about white power. ( laughter ) in election results, in wisconsin's tight governor's race between democrat mary burke and incumbent scott walker, it has been called for walker but i'll role pair and say walker won again. for democrats, that may be hard
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to swallow but not as hard as milwaukee's best. ( laughter ) of course, we'll have more results later, as one may imagine. but not just on tv because this year, folks, election coverage is all about partnerships between traditional and social media. cnn teamed up with bing and internet explorer. together, they will stream realtime results straight to your dad's beeper. ( cheers and applause ) and it's not just cnn. >> you can join in our conversation on facebook or twitter. >> tweet us using hash tag msnbc. >> download the app on your iphone to take part. >> give us your democratic selfie, send by facebook, twitter or instagram. >> log on to my blog at daily >> stephen: let's head to the
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social tracker 8700! (cheers and applause) ( siren ) welcome! to the social tracker 8700 where television merges with the internet by pointing a camera at a computer screen. while the rest of the news only uses sites like twitter and facebook, i've got the latest buzz on linkedin where i'm tracking which democratic senators are now looking for a job and if rick still wants me to join! leave me alone, rick! i do not wish to connect with you! i am also checking mid-term coverage on airbnb, uber, fandango and adult friend finder. quality people, very friendly. i'm also all over vine with
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exclusive coverage from my colleague nbc news' chuck todd. what have you got? >> we have interesting exit polls but in a shocking upset, i can now report that -- >> stephen: thank you, chuck. ( applause ) gotta tell ya, he's the best. sounds like that might have been a great report. so, nation, keep your tweets, hash tags, posts, tweets coming so we can report what you said, find out what you thought so we can figure out if there was a reason for us to have done this. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ hershey's spreads.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! looking at the latest results, it has been a good night so far for republicans. some of them are even still awake to celebrate it. and it is official, the g.o.p. has taken the senate and everything is about to change. conservatives have big plans for this country. just ask the liberals. >> if republicans win, the wild men will be coming out for blood. they'll try to kill obamacare. forget immigration reform, they'll want higher border fences. >> you will have a huge push to open public lands for drilling. >> you can count on president obama being impeached.
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>> stephen: oh, you can count on obama being impeached because conservatives like me can hardly wait to swear in president biden. oh, god. oh, no. the point is, this is the most significant election of my or anyone's lifetime. here to agree with me, andrew sullivan, everybody! whoo! andrew! ( applause ) good to see you, my friend. how are you? >> great. >> stephen: it must be a rough night for you. can i get you a drink or something stronger like a revolver? how are you dealing with this crushing defeat for the democrats? >> well, you know, it's a midterm election in the second term of a president and-- >> stephen: always the most important.
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>> well with, normally you would expect them to gain about seven seats and looks like they'll gain roughly around that. so it's not out of the ordinary for mid term in the second term of a president. >> stephen: whatever lets you cry yourself to sleep at night. ( laughter ) do you still support obama? >> absolutely. >> stephen: but the democrats didn't support obama, they didn't-- they ran away from the president, and look how it helped them. >> yes. ( laughter ) i'm not a democrat, never understood the democratic party. you have a president who's actually got a terrific economic record compared to any other developed nation on the planet. ( applause ) >> stephen: that's why you're not a real conservative because we don't compare ourselves to other nations. there's the united states and then just other places. >> here's what i don't understand about the deocratic party. you have a president enact universal health insurance which
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is their goal for 40 years and they run away from that achievement and refuse to talk about it. they're weak-kneed, lily-livered cowards when it comes to fighting the fight. i am psychologically republican but i am supporting this democratic president because i think he has done an amazing job in the circumstances. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay. so what do you think this means now for politics in washington? because now obama can't get anything done, as opposed to the current state of affairs when he doesn't get anything done. >> in some ways, i think the most significant thing tonight is not the senate but the house, the gains the republicans have made in the house. >> stephen: what are they? i haven't paid any attention. >> i don't know the exact numbers now. >> stephen: you don't know and i don't know. let's inform and influence each other realtime. >> they gained -- chuck argued they may not be gotten rid of in the house until 2022, which
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means any president from now on will have to deal with an extremely conservative house of representatives. >> stephen: i hear the problem from people who think about these things is the democrats don't come out and vote in midterms. low turnout favors the republicans. what can we do to get more americans to vote? should we have the "i voted" stickers deep fried? because right now they're pretty tasteless ( cheers and applause ) >> next election is the first election as an immigrant i'll be able to actually vote. >> stephen: do you have your citizenship now? >> not yet. it will come through in the next year and i'll be able to vote. >> stephen: andrew, thank you so much for joining me! andrew sullivan! we'll be right back!
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♪ oh. so you're protesting? ♪ okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. available on any device. >> stephen: well, that's it for tonight's "report." but more importantly, that's it for the 2014 midterms, but most importantly, that's it for my years of live election coverage. so, i'd like to take a brief moment before we go to say thank you. and also thank me.
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( laughter ) counting my time on the daily show with jon daily and the daily zoo crew, we've been getting together like this since 2000. who can forget that one? bush v chad. if you're counting, that's 8 live election shows in 14 years. makes sense since 14 divided by 2 is 8. ( laughter ) i have so many memories. mostly shapes and colors. there's been a fair amount of drinking. as i leave you for the last time, i'd like to share what i've learned with future generations as well as the aliens from zafrax-5 who find this show on the golden cylinders launched into space moments before the earth explodes. hi guys! please remember that whoever won this election, the republicans, someone else is always running against somebody sometime or other. one of them wins, the other loses. some are too close to call. you need to check back later and
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find out who won. you forget by the time will's already another election. i'm sure they write down who the governor of north dakota is somewhere. i couldn't find it. but most of us aren't going to feed need that information. we go about our lives secure in the knowledge that north dakota has a governor or equivalent. ( laughter ) but you know what i'll always remember? the hard working men and women of broadcast news who told us who won that governor's race. men and women like-- stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) that's it, folks! tonight marks a sort of farewell for me. maybe some day you will see me on tv again and you will nudge your spouse and say, hey, i remember that guy. i used to love him. maybe i will buy his slap chop. so that's it for "the report." i'll end by saying it's been a pleasure and privilege to have been welcomed into your home
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these last night years. so to you and yours, i'll say a fond -- what's that? another month and a half of shows? (laughter) well, then, this was a little too dramatic. ( laughter ) i'm sorry. i'll see you tomorrow! i'm embarrassed! wow! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh pelton [over pa]: it's valentine's week, when the greendale human being is the cupid being, delivering your gift to that special someone. but remember, cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind