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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 10, 2014 9:14am-9:45am PST

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>> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart.
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we are excited to be joining you. i can't even tell you. tonight my, assignment on our program,ehkcleese,i+owz ladies . [applause] very excited to have him on. but first, i didn't get a chance to watch the midterm elections last night. [laughter] so i don't, you know, how did it go? >> a huge night for the gop. >> jon: lookingthe term shella [laughter] byte way, that is the new congressional seal. [laughter] feel free to print it out. put it on your backpack to show people your grade school, you're
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interested in politics. [laughter] i cannot tell you how much better that looks than the version of the elephant [bleep] really the[looked a little too ] anyway. senate, governors, you name it, republicans won it. expwrierks it was a neck and neck battle but it turned out an easy win for the gop. >> thom tillis the senator. he won the mansions in blue states like maryland. >> republicans won six of them. >> jon: duma and china's people iéx+÷ now it's the republican. the blue man group now the red man group having lost of two. children will learn valuable lessons from red. the only territory democrats retained is that painful sexual
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frustration will still be known as blue balls. unfortunately it's the only area democrats. we don't have a graphic of blue balls, huh? [laughter] nothing?í elephants [bleep] came up with blue balls. no, no. you got to be a photo of a kid somewhere going ... [laughter] and yes, fox news was afire celebrating with they had fireworks. they had a hoe down. they had grins capable of eating massive amounts of [bleep] the to know me. pepper has no clothes. we posted this to facebook and your comments are rolling in. >> jon: and then we're going to play farmville. on the other network, the only suspense was whether or not john king as he was working his magic
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wall would yes, i'm going to call it at 9:21 eastern standard time john king has gone full [bleep] doodle. and by the way, internet, don't bother making ann mitteddphcz gt of that intermet because we've already been there.v[laughter] we're 12 years old. but the republicans have the senate and governorships and everything else. i imagine the first order of business is forward hoe. >> you'll see an end to grid lock. >> i know the value of bipartisanship i know how to work together. >> working together could actually have results. >> let's see if we could put toga greaments. >> just because we have a two party system doesn't mean we have to be in perpetual conflict. >> jon: who [bleep] are you people. wow i got to tell you. [applause]
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that sounds like it would have been better not coming from a guy for six years being the old owner and operator of thiscountl conflictionators. we turn to senior political analyst jordan. thanks a lot. this new ungrid lock gop. can the gop follow through on their pledge to get something done for america. >> can they? last night at approximately 11:27 eastern time, the republican gained control of the u.s. senate and results were almost immediate. the economy now going at a robust 3.5%. gas this morning, under 3 buck. a gallon. look, stockdq market at record level. deficits cut in half. 10 minute more americans have health insurance and subemployment subsix percent for the first time since we elected chairman obama. >> jon: hang on a second jordan because the things -- >> jon think about this on the verge of destroying the country
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under obama's feckless leadership has become a problem for like one guy. [laughter] it's morning in america jon. >> jon: that's an incredibly impressive list you ticked awe of thing that happened under obama and the democratic senate. >> oh please. if the democrats had accomplished all of that they would have been out there bragging about it for months. who would have been the central message of there campaign instead of their actual message which is like i'm quoting this here. we're sorry, don't be mad. [laughter] we don't like obama either, we like guns too. amen. >> jon: jordan, everything you're describing is exactly how things were before last night. >> no, no,éüstanding. it's like suddenly this country, it's like people are filled with like in anticipation, an optimistic expectation. it's like a sense of hope. it's hope. but more than that it's as
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though ... [laughter] things are going to be, it's not like they're the same as they once were. they're going to be different. they're going -- >> jon: it's going to change. hope and change. >> yes, yes. >> jon: you feel it too, john. hope and change. that's the republican message. >> the republicans cannot claim that as their message. >> jon: yes they can, yes they can. the american people, they can. the american people are grateful. they've already set aside the last thursday in november as aje republicans thanks for all these blessings. >> that's not the republicans that's thanksgiving. you can't cut that. it's been around for& 150 years. >> disagree. respectfully disagree. >> things are better now but we still have problems. immigration crises. income inequity.
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>> you know, right. >> you know, right. [bleep] obama. guinness master brewers tproudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. deliciously crisp and flavorful, brewed with mosaictm and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. the first addition in the new guinness discovery series. discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself. new guinness blonde american lager.
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this veteran's day, denny's would like to say thank you to all american veterans with a free build your own grand slam breakfast. denny's. welcome to america's diner.
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there's a big difference between running a race and leading one. ♪ when you're in charge... ♪ you get to call the shots. ♪ how cool is that? ♪ the 2015 corolla. ♪ toyota. let's go places. [cheers and applause] >> jon: as we were saying before the break, democrats got their asses handed to them last night. >> i[bleep] >> jon: even worse, that is trademark by the way. even worse for the democrats,
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the demographic break down of them. iowa elected the first statewide woman a republican. >> west virginia had its first female senator. >> we had two openly gay candidates running as republicans for congress. >> tim of south carolina is the first black senator elected from the south since reconstruction. >> in utah, mia love becomes the first african american woman republican to serve in the house. [laughter] >> jon: an african american woman utah republican. those words are sotry typing it. it auto corrects that to aphrodite can watch you reba mcentire. it won't even do it. if you try to type that in siri just jumps in without being prompted saying i think you're looking for a hospital because it sounds like you're hallucinating. not only did republicans have diversity they had you. >> tom cotton beating incumbent
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mark pryor. >> he's the youngest senator at the age of 27. >> new york elise wasév the youngest woman coming to congress. >> the leadership is going to look old and stale in comparison where the republicans are. >> jon: oh please, old and stale. they're not, oh my god. [laughter] someone put the bandages back on those mummies. harry reid9 tatoos stat. [laughter] listen, that's not a mockup, that's harry reid. and his band. [laughter] because republicans were running in all ages and colors and democrats just could not keep up. the lieutenant governor of illinois is a latina. shetdemocrat who was just anothr white guy.
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and by the way, that was definitely her opponent's mistake to make that his campaign slogan. [laughter] for more,o("/hutsenior,é=b demoa williams. jessica. [cheers and applause] this is you been believable. >> absolutely. >> jon: jessica you would agree, last night there were at least seven senate seats with some pretty diverse candidates. >> jon republicans didn't just take democrat's seats they stole their essence. the gop went from a brooks brother's catalog to united colors of benetton ad. it's not fair. i mean how would republicans feel if democrats started denying climate change or decided that life begins at -- >> jon: i understand. they would be angry, they would be confused. they would maybe be hurt. >> exactly. but sorry demûyjust elected a y. conservative arkansas passed a minimum wage increase. what the [bleep] kind of world is this. i mean pretty soon the
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republicans are going to be rocking those msnbc nerd goggles. they are single white feels in the democrats. >> jon: what did they do when this happens. the democratic party has always been about the identityva of the under represented. if republicans take that, what do the democrats have left? >> they need to dig deeper. get the minorities within the minorities. whole food sharps, your korean lesbian florist but do you know what maybe politics isn't the thing anymore. why not become arctic like it let's you stay in a washington home since they lost their job. >> jon: boom it's right. the truth hurts. i'm glad you delivered that and dropped what appeared to be a mic from your hand. >> always. >> jon: boom. let me say this. maybe democrats need more2like t
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the blood pumping. >> oh yeah i would do it but i'm a republican now. >> jon: hey what? wait a minute. you support republican policy now. >> well no, but i do support me winning anqfirst black woman, me story. >> jon: it's over. the republicans are the party of minorities now. >> do you know what, no. it's like when there's like this account guy at your office who though you know you have nothing in common but then like one night you see him at an exclusive party at the moma and there's some cute girl with pink hair and you're like hey do you know what, maybe i could date this guy do you know what i mean. and then you like talk to him again on monday and you're like oh no i was right this guy [bleep] [laughter] it's like that. [laughter] do you know what i mean?
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[applause] >> jon: so the 2016 democrats have a better shot at dating. >> yeah. i mean, no. well maybe. i don't know jon i'm 45 this is complicated. >> jon: thank you. jessica williams everybody. jessica williams everybody. we'll be right back. this is a pip. it's part of a hershey's bar. we break it. we bite it. we sneak it. we smoosh it. we savor it. we love it. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate. what you're doing now, janice. blogging. your blog is just pictures of you in the mirror. it's called a fashion blog, todd. well, i've been helping people save money with progressive's discounts. flo, can you get janice a job? [ laughs ] you should've stuck to softball! i was so much better at softball than janice, dad. where's your wife, todd? vacation. discounts like homeowners', multi-policy -- i got a discount on this ham. i've got the meat sweats. this is good ham, diane. paperless discounts -- give it a rest, flo.
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all: yeah, flo, give it a rest. >> welcome back, my guest tonight. he is the man. a comedy legend is called. so anyway. welcome to the program john cleese.
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♪ we're honored. i can't tell you how excited and honored we are to have you on the program tonight. >> i can understand that. >> jon: i spent many a day memorizing john cleese routines. you have my utmost respect. you know that. i'm a huge fan shall we go back to the book here. i think they could have taken more time with the picture. they cut off. i don't know if you can see this but your chin is not even in the shot. >> what. >> jon: i don't know if that's a photo editor's thing. are they all like this? [laughter]
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>> this is terrible. let's get rid of it. >> jon: yes. >> oh, this is classy. look at that. that's nice. i like that. here's how you know you're an impressive individual. here's how you know you're impressive.oyou take that off yt shirt. this book is your precareer, all the thing you did up to that point. but growing up was it enjoyable to go back and visit those sort of early days when expectationñ you didn't know what was going to happen? was it a charming ride for it. >> it is a great experience. the reason i did it, michael caine, i had lunch with him and , a long time ago and had just written an autobiography. and i said why did you enjoy it so much. he said you reclaim your life.ds
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really nice is when you get old you know nothing matters really. [laughter] it's wonderful. >> jon: i'm in that middle age area.s÷7>> what are you, 60. >> jon: i'm 35. >> really. >> jon: a lotqtobacco. it's actually i've had a couple list i've got just adgin the ba. by the way, ifop you think that i'm not going to get a gif of me making you laugh and put that up on my wall and run it 24 hours a day. yeah. you see it back there. it's where the bald spot goes. but it is. it's that stage where i don't feel like i can reclaim youth but i haven't gotten to that
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sense of that freedom of letting it all together. >> i know. >> jon: you still carry around the burden. >> you still care. >> jon: yes. how do i lose that? >> you get very very old. [laughter] and then you try to remember what you used to care about and you have a wonderful time. i had the most wonderful wife. i've forgotten her name. [laughter] how many of them do i have? i call her fish anyway because she swims like a fish. we have three fantastic pets, two american. maincoon. it's a great cat. if i was going to have one english wife should i have two american cats. i only had american wives. i wanted to try something different. >> jon: i think that's wise.v> i'm having a wonderful life. i just don't give a [bleep]
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i don't give a [bleep] and i used to, i used to give [bleep] i remember quite seriously when i was first married i watched the american election results and nixon was elected and i actually cried. i cared that much at that point. and now mitch. >> jon: mcconnell. >> mcconnell, terrific. wow i wish we had one of those in england. >> jon: would you like ours? [applause] he's a wonderful wonderful. you do a very good mitch mcconnell. is there a particular politician in england or america that you enjoy mimicing thatú0 you enjoy
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taking -- >> no. they're alls>> you have no pap. >> no. i mean if somebody said would you like to have dinner with david cameron, i would say no. i do not want to have, i would like to play with my cats. [laughter] >> jon: i love that. on that note i think everyone in the audience when you first came out and said i was having a meal with michael caine. i think everyone here went, could we go to that. [laughter] 8:gr >> jon: next time if you're having lunch or dinner with michael caine if we could all come. we won't say anything we won't order anything. we will stand there and occasionally gasp. >> well there is an idea among the piesons that we should reunite and have dinner on the stage. just have dinner.
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[crowd cheering] and then i will, let me say this. 16,000 people, they wouldn't be able to get what we were saying but he think -- >> jon: but they would watch you chewing. let me bus that dinner. let me clear those dishes and clean them honestly. i would do that only for you guys. it's how i started. anyway it's on the bookshelf now. 0his is a pleasurable moment for me.k&ñ- john cleese, ladies and gentlemen. this veteran's day, denny's would like to say thank you to all american veterans with a free build your own grand slam breakfast. denny's. welcome to america's diner. when you obsess over elevate form,
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evolve function, and reinvent a category, you attract a lot of attention. chevrolet. the most awarded car company of the year. find new roads. rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. all aboard. rolo. get your smooth on.
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>> jon: that's our show i wanted to mention something real quick. on november 14th we've got the rosewater movie, it's coming out. you need to go see it. but beyond that, on the 13th we're doing what's called a sneak peak because we're flashers. i don't know why they call it a sneak peak. w!at we're going to do is we're. we're going to show the movie and then we're going to be interviewed;journalist named stn colbert. so you can watch it, you can be in the theatre and it happens simultaneously in smell-vision. you'll be able to smell it. there's the website if you're interested, check it out.
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things are getting excited. i'm getting excited for you guys to see it. anyway, here it is. >> do you want to vote. >> yes. >> do you want to vote by yourself. >> yeah. >> you know there are people out there that could vote but just don't.c-iioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, i profile one of congress' last remaining democrats. i'll ask her how she plans to repopulate the species. then big changes come to the senate. now it's run by a totally different old white guy. ( laughter ) and my guest tonight is democratic new york senator kirsten gillibrand. i'll ask her what it's like to pander to the greatest people in america! ( cheers and applause ) a new york doctor infected with ebola is reportedly now well
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enough to play the banjo. people immediately stopped wishing him a speedy recovery. ( laughter ) this is the "colbert report." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. it's good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for being here. good to have you with us in here, out there, all around. i hao