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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 4, 2015 9:14am-9:46am PST

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(cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! nice to see you! my name is jon stewart. coming up tonight, sigourney weaver is going to be joining us! (cheers and applause) i do want to also thank wwe last night. they showed my son and i. such wonderful hospitality. one wick question to them, if i
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may, how do you get ball marks out of your shoe? is that something you buff? but first before that shalom. my friends, welcome to a very special night. the prime minister of israel benjamin netanyahu, addressed congress today in observe vans of the sake -- in observance of the sacred holiday of "suuk-on-it-mr. president." (laughter) it was a festival of slights. it's a blessed tradition dating back all the way to january when house speaker john boehner invited netanyahu to speak to congress without consulting the white house! why didn't the speaker run it by the white house? >> i did not consult with the white house. the congress can make this decision on its own. >> it's a way to poke the president in the eye?
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>> i don't believe i'm poking anyone in the eye. (laughter) i'm merely taking a sharp stick -- thrusting it forward at commander-in-chief cornea level -- that's where this president keeps his eyes -- (laughter) >> jon: of course, benjamin netanyahu was on hand to explain to our congress why our president should not be negotiating a nuclear deal with iran and even though netanyahu was speaking only two weeks before the israeli election, he wasn't there just to use our congress as the most elaborate campaign backdrop ever. >> i feel i am i representing all the citizens of israel even those who do not agree with me, a representative of the entire jewish people. i feel a deep concern for all
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the citizens of israel and the state of our people. >> jon: i speak for all jews! including the ones who don't want me to! because those jews are wrong! yeah, don't thank me. the truth, is no one can speak for all jews for we are a varied people, a rich tapestry. we have a lot of opinions on things. something cnn wanted to get in on. >> excuse me -- (arguing) >> jon: when did cnn start hosting my family's seders?
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(shouting) and not for nothing! you don't think it's patronizing cnn to change to this? >> we'll get over it... (laughter) >> jon: are you kidding me? that actually happened on cnn. i guess they couldn't pull off the batman-spitting yamaka! i guess from now on this is how cnn is going to be shown in airports -- (laughter) how will the obama administration handle this unprecedented -- >> eye poke. i think it's important to realize the depth of the u.s.-israeli relationship. under my administration billions of dollars have gone to support israel's security, and the military and intelligence cooperation is unprecedented. that bond is unbreakable.
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>> that's how powerful israel is. the the prime minister comes here publicly slapping obama in the face and the president's response is everyone should know i'm buying him gloves so when he hits me it doesn't hurt his hand as much! (laughter) not that there won't be repercussions. >> the white house ieferg icy well come to netanyahu. >> joe biden is snubbing netanyahu's speech. >> jon: right, that's why the vice president is in guatemala to snub the speech, not to protect mrs. netanyahu from groper cleveland. (laughter) (groaning) all these global tensions must be tightening your shoulders! mmm! let me just bite a little bit of your neck, nyum nyum nyum nyum
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nyum! (laughter) of course, the president did gently point out the uproar that would have occurred had a democratic congress invited a former leader who was criticizing a republican president. >> when george w. bush initiated the war in iraq they had invited let's say the president of france to appear before congress to air those disagreements or criticize, i think most people would say well, that wouldn't have been the right thing to do. >> jon: right, they might have said that or gone (bleep) bananas! republicans would have demanded the inviters be arrested for sedition and treason! not just for france not joining our coalition republicans had the word "french removed from capitol building fries and renamed ketchup. i have to admit, after all that buildup, i was pretty excited for the speech but nowhere near excited as congress who cheered
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so loudly as netanyahu entered the room they broke c-span's sound equipment. >> the prime minister of israel! (cheers and applause) (audio static) >> jon: i was a miracle a standing ovation lasted eight minutes. it was the state of the union address republicans wanted delivered by the leader they wish they had and netanyahu wasted no time explaining why there was no time to waste. >> that's why this deal is so bad. it doesn't block iran's path to the bomb it paves iran's path to the bomb, iran's breakout time would be very short about year. >> jon: the jewish assessment
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would be shorter. we like to cut a little off the tip. (laughter) one year! bibi, if iran is that close, why didn't you bring that urgent warning about iran going nuclear sooner? oh, you did. apparently time was also running out 19 years ago. >> the most dangerous of these regimes is iran. if this regime or its neighbor iraq were to acquire nuclear weapons this could present catastrophic consequences. only the united states can lead this vital international effort to stop the nuclearization of terrorist states. time is running out. we have to act. >> jon: why is he not aging? (laughter) really seems to be the story is not will iran get a nuclear weapon but more the world needs netanyahu's anti-aging secret because it just can't be chick
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pea oil and lemon. it can't be! this brings up the difficult issue, what many in our government love about netanyahu is his conviction and certainty. >> in the middle east iran now dominates four arab capitals baghdad, damascus, beirut and sanaa. >> jon: we have to act. look how iran expanded its power since the fall of savmed saddam and the destabilization of the region! i mean, what kind of idiot wouldn't have seen that coming in 2002? oh shalom! >> if you take out saddam, saddam's regime i guarantee you that a it will have enormous positive reverberations on the region. the reverberations of what happens with the collapse of saddam's regime could very well create an implosion in a neighboring regime like iran. >> jon: or the opposite. but in the house chamber, there was no such reflecting. netanyahu wrapped his speech up
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and it was time for another ten minutes of applause. whether or not netanyahu achieved his goals of sabotaging a deal with iran or mistaken by opened up a rift, the u.s.-israeli relations one thing is certain -- the in-chamber response to this speech was by far the longest blowjob a jewish man has ever received. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! so the prime minister netanyahu's visit to united states has spurred a storm of debate on television, online and print -- especially in print! dueling ads in the "new york times." >> a full-page ad in the "new york times" had this message for netanyahu, congress is not a prop for your election campaign. >> this full-page ad in saturday's "new york times" suggested national security advisor susan rice might allow genocide in israel. >> jon: for more on this passive aggressive death match we go to analyst assif mandvi. thanks for joining us! >> assif: what a great day for traditional media! >> jon: really? a slow-motion jew-fight in the "a" section is a great day? doesn't this put the paper of record in an awkward position
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>> assif: sure, if you consider being buried in money awkward. think about it, jon. what would you have said a week ago if i'd asked you what it would take to save the publishing industry? >> jon: i don't know, a comet knocking out the internet? newspapers printed on belgian chocolate? >> jon: great ideas. but not as good as "angry jews." >> jon: really one of the better iphone games i've played. (applause) >> assif: those ads cost $150,000 apiece. >> jon: how can two ads save the print industry? >> assif: it started as two
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adds but like all conflicts involving israel, this fight has spilled out to occupy all available space in the area. anti-netanyahu groups bought out the front page to have the food section. >> jon: i see what they did there. >> assif: then the pro-bibi lobby struck out with this page in the vow section. >> jon: wow! i want to hate that couple but i strangely envy the heart-warming, quirky way they met. >> assif: yeah. >> jon: i can't believe it. >> assif: that's when the fight spilled over into the masthead. >> jon: the masthead is supposed to be neutral! i know the great lady has fallen on hard times but that is no reason to start turning tricks. almost makes you want to switch to television. >> assif: let's check the tv listings. >> jon: the "times" have given up! if all the sections have been rented out to the highest bidder
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what's left for journalism? >> assif: the section is about to run a huge trend piece about people buying ads in israel in the times! >> jon: that's trend setting! >> assif: they're bumping the section about how young people are getting tattoos and hooking up. >> jon: pretty good scoop. >> assif: things going great for the "times." did you see the weekender? >> jon: did you rob the news stand? >> assif: no, this is one copy. every jewish group in the country had to get their two cents in. you know all the trees you have been planting in israel? >> jon: the people in israel plant trees, correct, that's what we do. >> assif: they're all gone. >> jon: thank you, air ♪ ♪ ♪
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it's got a great view of the lake. it's really nice mom. ♪ your dad would've loved this place. you're not just looking for a house. you're looking for a place for your life to happen. zillow >> jon: got a new movie out. the world's full proper artificial intelligence, might be smarter than a human. i can show the piece of art. this being could judge that art. it could decide if it liked it. it could write music and poetry. >> do you realize you just came to the c.e.o. of a publicly traded weapons corporation and
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pitched a robot that can write? >> jon: welcome to the program sigourney weaver! (cheers and applause) >> jon: join us if you please! i would love to! >> jon: how are you? (cheers and applause) >> i'm great. >> jon: you know you're in my wheelhouse here with this movie. this movie's in my wheelhouse. i'm just pointing at nothing. >> i never know what wheelhouse means. >> jon: like the robot discussion. >> oh the robot discussion is very interesting. >> jon: thank you. this is what i have been saying to people who tell me to stop talking back stage. >> i know robots who can take care of those people. >> jon: chappy. that's right. >> jon: chappy, i think it's a
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very interesting concept, this idea that a robot who can think and feel who has become human, smarter than humans and you would like to make it a gun. you would like to turn it into a weapon. >> actually, chappy's model is a gun and the wonderful thing about the movie is that the rappers from south africa they're playing themselves. they're awesome. they steal what they think is a police robot to help them do heists but by mistake steal this conscious robot they name chappy and they try to teach him to be like a rapper and a gangster, and it's awesome. it's a great movie. >> jon: this is the type of thing -- see, i love anything that intersects with this idea.
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so it's like a nature-nurture. so what is consciousness? what is all that? it always comes down to robots with weapons. ultimately, that's where we're going as a people. >> he uses ninja stars in a way that i can't. i use other weapons well, fake weapons, but not that. >> jon: does the robot really use ninja stars? >> he really does. >> jon: you would think a robot could do better than ninja stars. >> he doesn't realize he's hurting people, you see. so he has lots of bling and he had actually charla coakley who plays him when the little shorts fall off over the motion capture suit. >> jon: the robot is played by a person? >> yes, the star of district 9. >> jon: that's amazing. you and the director is he fascinated by this robot
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dilemma? >> well, you know, i guess there are two kinds of a.i. one people aren't that worried about which is the a.g.i., we is general intelligence, which is robots are going to be helpful and who can win on jeopardy. and then a.s.i. which is the superior intelligence that will outrun us and we'll be like chimps to their intelligence, and people like bill gates think perhaps this is dangers and we might become extinct and the robots will take over but i am looking forward to robots myself personally. i want a little chappy in my kitchen, you know. i do. so i'm not worried. >> jon: let me ask you this because i'm afraid of my rumba. so is that a.g.i. or a.s.i. and how close are we to being the chimps in this relationship? >> well, there are different
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estimates of the time. i think some people say 2025, 2050. >> jon: oh okay. that's fine. >> by then we'll be using our ninja stars and we'll be fine. >> jon: i'll just be, like chappy change me! (laughter) i won't even care at that point. here's my point about the robots and all that -- in any of these distaupian type novels, every time man makes something that he believes will be beneficial to us, we don't see the unintended consequences and it becomes our prison and our doom and i think these robots -- you know, because we're in a very interesting point right now. chimps could take us over. we've seen that in the movies. not chimps, apes i should say. >> yeah. >> jon: and now robots could. so we're really stuck between a
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rock and a hard place. >> they may improve on us. you know, we keep making the same mistakes and having wars and things like that. they may be more intelligent and rational than we are. might be a good thing. >> jon: that one lady in the audience almost -- >> well, i paid her! (laughter) >> jon: that lady was like... (laughter) >> yes. >> jon: who knows, they'll find out i'm a robot, now what do i do? >> how do we program her? >> jon: can i just say, you were in russia for a little bit promoting the film and you think they will respond well to this and not get any crazy ideas? >> for all i know, the journalist who is interviewed me might have been robots. >> jon: don't you have people who check? >> i have a little robot dog that goes over and sniffs. >> jon: i would have a poker,
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somebody to just go in and be, like, yeah, that's a person. >> i'll do that next time. >> jon: you have to be exhausted. >> i feel good. i'm going out dancing now. >> jon: you always look good, you always bring me energy. i'm delighted to see you. chappy is on the theaters friday? >> friday. >> jon: it's going to be enormous. >> awesome. >> jon: sigourney weaver everybody. i already feel like we're the most connected but i think this solo date will seal the deal. sure! i offer multi-car, safe driver, and so many other discounts that people think i'm a big deal. and boy, are they right. ladies, i can share hundreds in savings with all of you! just visit today. but right now, it's choosing time. ooh! we have a winner. all: what? [chuckles] he's supposed to pick one of us. this is a joke, right? that was the whole point of us being here. marcia, what happened? peter hit me in the nose with a football. now sweetheart...
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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> for instance, if you say, hello renee. >> hello renee! i would teach you to increase >> larry: tonightly, congress has a party and doesn't invite obama. sounds like obama's the winner in that one. ( laughter ) we're talking guns on campus. why should there be only one way for college students to legally bang each other? ( laughter ) college students and guns-- yeah they go together like pub like peanut butter and accidental homicide. bring your textbook and a.k. because i'm about to school you. it's "the nightly show." captioning sponsored by
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comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much. we have a great crowd here. what a great, great-- >> we love you, larry! >> larry: we love you too. and i especially love dandy man. ( cheers and applause ) love that dandy man. okay welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. now, the big story today that all the kids are talking about, israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu-- or bibi as those of us who vacation with him call him-- ( laughter ) spoke to congress about the u.s.' upcoming negotiations with iran. >> i feel a profound obligation to speak to you