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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 14, 2015 1:34am-2:06am PDT

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>> jon: hey, everybody, that's all for us. larry wilmore at the it nightly show, larry. >> hello jon. and hello to the american people, hello folks. >> jon: that is-- is that euro bama impression? >> you bet.
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but but-- uh-- with the next election coming i've got to get it in while i can do what i got to do. >> jon: i think it's time to move on to a hillary impression? >> jon if that was my o bomba impression how good do you think my hillary impression is going to be. >> jon: point well taken. larry wilmore. that was it here is your moment of zen. >> newt gingrich in his gradual rise in the polls has turned into a surge. >> he wasn't the perfect husband did things that were wrongxd asked god's forgiveness. i think a lot o captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> larry: tonightly, hillary clinton's running for president -- unstoppable force, meet immovable object! she kicks off her campaign by telling america, "it's your time." and by "your time," she means "my time"!
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who will fight hillary for the democratic nomination? seriously, who's in, because she will cut a bitch. smile like you mean it and claw your way to the top! this is the "the nightly show"! let's do this! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: yeah! thank you very much! man! welcome to the "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. whoo! man! big day yesterday, the most powerful woman in politics returned to the scene in a big way. we have been expecting to hear from her, and, wow, she really came out strong. >> i'm not a politician. i'm a queen.
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>> larry: ok, that's khaleesi from "game of thrones," but hillary clinton also announced she's seeking the crown yesterday. >> i'm running for president. (laughter) >> larry: look, hillary's not that far off from khaleesi. i'm sure she would also say something like this -- >> and i will take what is mine. with fire and blood i will take it. (laughter) >> larry: i smell a campaign slogan! (cheers and applause) >> i will take what is mine. this does make sense. both hillary and khaleesi feel like they have a birthright to the throne and feel like their kingdom was stolen from them a few years ago. they've both been through a lot, starting with their strategic marriages to horny warlords.
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they both spent years struggling in a land of spiteful, barbaric horsepeople. but the reason they haven't ascended yet is because their rightful bloodline was deposed by the nation's post powerful gold-hoarding dynasty. you know them, the cold calculating patriarch who, from the sidelines, has been manipulating his family into positions of power... the inept torture-loving bully who famously choked at a banquet... and the heir-apparent son who people like in spite of all the red flags and who tragically just lost his right hand. (audience reacts) so sad. i know. sad. the biggest competition right now, of course, is the dark horse from the fringes, who has the courage of his convictions but has been turned crazy by religion. (laughter) also hodor. okay. enough of that.
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pretty well sums it up. enough of that nerd-gasm. let's roll clinton's official, official no-take-backsies pinky-swear announcement. >> i'm getting ready for a lot of things. a lot of things. it's spring, so we're starting to get the gardens ready and my tomatoes are legendary here in my own neighborhood. >> wait. this was the announcement? where was the hillary? i thought any minute i was going to be told to consult a physician if my erection lasts for longer than four hours! so who else do we have in hillary's it's-not-me-it's-you announcement? >> my brother and i are starting our own business. >> larry: okay. we've got these hispanic small business owners. in theory, i'm a fan of both hispanic people and the concept of brothers. a couple assembling baby furniture. i'm strongly in favor of attractive people having babies and putting the babies in furniture. well done. a young job hunter. i certainly support jobs.
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and the people hunting them. and that they can be young. awwww, a boyfriend and a girlfriend holding hands that's -- a gay couple?! you got me hillary. see, i thought it was a straight couple, but then they were gay! which i like! but my favorite character in hillary's ad was this guy. >> but most importantly, we just want to teach our dog to quit eating the trash. (laughter) (applause) >> larry: wait. are you trying to tell us that as president, you will promise to keep dogs out of the trash? okay. as long as you get around to i.s.i.s., too, i'm cool. besides trash dog, you know who also appeared in this ad? hillary clinton. from politics. >> i'm getting ready to do something, too. i'm running for president. (cheers and applause)
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>> larry: hmm. okay. what am i supposed to get out of this? that hillary is just a working grandma renovating her gay married kindergarten tomatoes who won't stop dog-eating the trash? okay. girl, i can totally relate. i'm on board. you see, here's what hillary is trying to do. she's presenting herself to us as if we don't know who she already is. that's why i'm officially calling hillary's 2016 run the "allow me to reintroduce myself" campaign. ♪ allow me to reintroduce myself ♪ ♪ my name is hov ♪ ♪ h. to the izzo, clinton to the white house ♪ >> larry: that's my jam. that's what she's doing. it's true! now why would somebody as established as hillary shy away from her resume? because much like a day of prostate exams, it is, how shall i say, tainted. she brings up being first lady? you start thinking about
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lewinsky. she brings up being senator? she's got to defend voting for the iraq war. she brings up being secretary of state? she's got to talk about benghazi. hillary, it's okay. you don't have to act all brand new. we understand. when you've done as much as you have, you're going to make some mistakes. even tom hanks makes a cloud at -- cloud atlas every once in a while. but she obviously is worried about that. in fact, she's already scrubbed her wikipedia page. very smart! grandmother. woman. loves hispanics. i don't know what this lady's done, but i like her. look, first lady senator madame secretary khaleesi. the bottom line is, if you really want to be president, you've got to own everything. own it. own it, girl. oh, and marco rubio announced today he's also running for
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president. now, to make more sense out of this hillary announcement is political strategist and social media consultant, miles thompson. >> miles: great to be here larry. >> larry: okay. i gotta admit. this announcement is a little confusing to me. we don't even see hillary for the first 90 seconds of the video. it's just random people. >> miles: that was a careful choice they made, larry. people don't like hillary clinton as a person or what she's done in the past, so they decided to show people who aren't her. >> larry: but at some point, she's going to have to come out and face her past, miles. she'll have to talk about benghazi, for example. >> miles: ugh... no, she won't that's why she's running the classic kibblein' bits switch! (applause)
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>> larry: what does that mean? we're talking about benghazi ruh roh! this is precocious dog is digging through the trash! >> larry: yeah, i was wondering about that! why do you think there was a dog in the video? >> miles: well, let me ask you something first -- what did you think when you saw the dog? >> larry: i was thinking, boy, he is going to be in trouble when his owners find out what he's done! pretty funny, actually. >> miles: i'm sorry, what were we just talking about? >> larry: that naughty doggy. miles: exactly! and you forgot all about benghazi! >> larry: that is so good! (applause) she's good! >> miles: let me show you one more clip to illustrate my point. see if you can notice anything strange. >> i'm getting ready to do something, too. >> miles: did you see it? >> larry: see what? miles: let's slow it down and watch it again. (slower and slower speaking)
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>> vote for hillary! just want the dog to live! >> larry: yeah. miles: pretty great. >> larry: vote for hillary if you want the dog to live? >> yeah! that's called a winning campaign slogan! >> larry: that's messed up. arry, the dog! >> larry: i know. okay. he was rooting in the trash, okay. (laughter) what were we talking about? >> miles: you were just saying how we'll be right back. >> larry: oh, yeah. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ted's morning was not going well, and when his battery light lit up - it went from bad to worse. but a quick pit stop to autozone - where they check that for free - and ted and his car were back to peak performance.
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all these networks keep making different claims. it gets confusing. fastest, the strongest the most in-your-face-est. it sounds like some weird multiple choice test. yea, but do i pick a, b, or c. for me it's all of the above. i pick, like the best of everything. verizon. i didn't. i picked a. maybe c. and how'd that work out for you? not so well. can i get a do-over? why settle for less when you can have, well, everything. and get 2 lines for $100. verizon.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back to the show! joining our panel tonight we have our very own "the nightly show" contributor ricky velez; (applause) senior political reporter for cnn, nia-malika henderson, and starring in tv land's new show "younger" on tuesdays at 10:00 p.m. and in the upcoming film "entourage" the lovely debi mazar. (applause) and we're talking about hillary clinton's campaign for president. i made a judgment. i think it's true. hillary has a lot of accomplishments she feels like she can't talk about because it
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brings up uncomfortable (bleep). it's almost like her men in black campaign are doing their thing and getting people to forget about that. >> when the you look at the first ad, she is trying to redirect our attention to something else away from the most recent version, i think, of hillary clinton which is kind of a celebrity, secretary of state former first lady. >> larry: that ad is only about grandma. >> yeah, it is! when i was watching it, i thought, am i watching the right thing? and then she popped up at the end. >> larry: but this is. but this is what the clintons do. did we learn nothing from bill? they don't fess up. they wait a while and then they fess up. >> larry: but this is bizarre. when she ran in 2008, she was very clear in her announcement. she said, i'm going to help
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middle class and this and that. here, i didn't know what was going on. >> all the demographics, it's like they went through a checklist and everybody is there. but you're right, i think, that the whole idea of redirecting attention, and if you look at that first campaign in 2007, it very much was all about hillary clinton. >> larry: when she's running about president, it should be about her. i have no problem with that. i think she should run accomplishments. >> the secretary of state, she's been to more countries than any secretary of state in history. >> larry: you going to run on a travel log? >> millions of miles. >> larry: i have been to turkey, vote for me! >> reinvention is a great thing. it can be a new look, it can be get your look together your outfit together. >> larry: why did you look at me when you said look? the obama administration the
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jury is out. when you're president, you're not sure how you will be judged. 47, under 50. could be higher. so i don't know if she wants to, you know, attach herself, you know, be that third term of the obama administration. how soon do you think before she loses her black friends? (laughter) keep it 100! >> i think she'll keep her black friends. >> no! >> larry: keep it real. she's a horror from the '80s! they're going to kill off the first black guy in the first ten minutes. she doesn't want anybody to do with them! (laughter) >> larry: in the first half of the campaign! >> she's going to lose at least half her black friends. >> larry: oh, in the white house? >> she can't run away from obama because she's got to have the obama coalition and that's what obama brings.
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she will be off campaigning with michelle obama. >> larry: when ricky was talking about the clintons it frustrates me about the clintons. they're so likable but they always allow (bleep) to get in the way. hillary, the whole thing, remember when she was running 2008, she went under fire in the helicopter, turned out, that was like a brian williams thing, and brian williams was replaced by a black guy. same thing. (laughter) but then the whole phone thing happened with the e-mails and said she had one device. >> i thought it would be easier to carry just one device for my work and for my personal e-mails instead of two. >> larry: okay, so makes sense. but two weeks earlier, this is what she said. >> i have you know an ipad, a mini ipad an iphone and a blackberry.
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>> larry: seriously! if she really is the forgetful grandma, which one is she? >> like a lot of politicians she has a complicated relationship with the truth. and she's trying her best. >> larry: bill has a lot of complications. >> like a lot of politicians, has the same tick when it comes to explaining themselves. she has a lot to do on this issue because the email issue isn't going to go away. i think they feel like they're going to put this to bed. >> that's actually pretty cool. i actually like that. >> people who have two cell phones deal drugs. i trust my drug dealer more than i do politics. >> larry: so that's a good reason you would vote for her. >> hillary got that good
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(bleep), larry. >> larry: exactly! (applause) >> larry: this makes me laugh too, they're traveling around the country in a van. travel around in a van looking for young millennials is already kind of creepy, and it's called the scooby-doo van which is hilarious. >> i like the thought of bill clinton in his driveway saying, where's my van! the high school just got out! (laughter) i like it. >> larry: it's a good way to explain benghazi -- (talking like scooby-doo) benbenghazi! but the van, i don't like the whole thing. why do we have to know she's in a van, stopped in pennsylvania
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to get gas. stop in ferguson to get gas i'll be pressed. pennsylvania doesn't do anything for me. i remember when obama was elected racism was over. how you guys going to feel when he's elected when sexism is over. you cool with that? (laughter) you going to be cool with people saying that? >> post-sexism? >> larry: when hillary is elected, do you think it's going to happen? >> i don't think so. i think we'll have more conversations. identity politics is so identified with the obama era. i think we'll have more of these conversations around sexism. >> larry: hillary will run, everybody. we'll be back and talk more. it's the candy bar that's too hot for tv in all its naked glory; stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel.
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>> larry: welcome back. we have been talking about hillary clinton's announcement. now i'd like to play a new game we're calling "who ya gonna aks?" (laughter) and no, it's not ebonics. it's an acronym that stands for aid, kill or squash. in other words, who are you going to aks to help you out in a jam. so i'm going to give you a problem. you tell me which clinton you're gonna aks to help get you out of it and why -- bill or hillary.
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who you gonna aks? okay. you really need to get out of your best friend's wedding who are you going to aks? >> i think hillary would help me. >> larry: hillary would be better with that? >> i'm going with bill. i'm going to aks bill because he's a little more imaginative in terms of his -- >> larry: he can do the bill-yak. "she just can't make it! she's throwing up all over the car!" >> i think hillary might have a good excuse. >> larry: ricky? i think bill. he's gotten out of a lot of (bleep) before! he's good! >> larry: itit all emends on yourdefinition of wedding!
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(laughter) >> larry: you want to return a pair of pants but don't have a receipt, you want your money back, not a store credit. who do you aks? >> hillary. >> larry: why? because she's probably returned a few pantsuits -- (laughter) >> larry: it's, like, oh, god! just give it to her, here comes that lady! you're stuck in chocolate city, you need the funk, gotta have that funk -- i'm sorry, you would ask george clinton. i don't know how that got in there. who's going to stare down putin? >> hillary. she has that stare. >> larry: if putin's in the room, i'm asking hillary to come in. >> didn't she already call him a nazi. >> larry: bill's just going to want to party with him. >> yeah. >> larry: you don't want to go in that room after they have
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been in there! (laughter) last one you just killed a guy in a hit and run accident and you need to dispose to have the body. who do you ask? >> bill. >> larry: bill? (laughter) i have a joke about who the body is but i'm not going to do it!
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>> larry: that's all the time we have for tonight. i want to thank our panelists -- debi mazar, nia-malika henderson and ricky velez. give them a nice round! give them some love! (cheers and applause) finally tonight, as those of you who follow the show on twitter know, one writer on my staff live-tweets this show each night. tonight that writer is jack helmuth. so follow @nightlyshow on twitter and join the live tweet. and if facebook is more your thing, "like" the "the nightly show" to keep track of everything the show has cooking online. goodnightly, everyone! >> it's 11q589 and 59 seconds this happened on rolling the first weekend of the rip ster rumspringa known as coach ella ended with a bang maybe not some of as a bang bu


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