Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 20, 2015 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

11:00 pm
seriously, for that much money, we coulda built a whole new bionic man. don't tempt me, barry. boom! bumper! no! [barry laughs] wow, remind me not to piss you off. remind yourself. yes, dear. >> july 20, 2015. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart!
11:01 pm
my guest tonight, "ant-man"! "ant-man" will be joining us tonight! (cheers and applause) while we were out, huge, important, the beast, revenge from tundz taker. and the iran deal. also that. (laughter) angela merkel gave greet a deal -- dealing with greece is like the economic equivalent to sitting on greece's chest pinning down their hands and drooling into their mouth -- or as the germans call it, foreplay. (laughter) there's another tragic attack chattanooga, five servicemen lost their lives. when will this end?
11:02 pm
i don't know how i'll talk about any of this. >> donald trump is at it again! (cheers and applause) >> jon: and then he appeared. (laughter) donald trump. the patron saint of topical comedians who are just running out the clock. i mean, look... we did just have two weeks off from talking about trump a dumb-springa i called it. just out of curiosity, what is he at again? >> unleashing his latest political firestorm on a new target this time john mccain. >> he's not a war hero. trump in iowa going directly after the arizona senator and former navy fighter pilot who spent five and a half years as a
11:03 pm
p.o.w. >> he's a war hero because he was captured. i like people who weren't captured, i have to tell ya. >> jon: hey! hold on! just -- (laughter) and you know, if i may (bleep) cancer survivors, too! (laughter) no let me just say please i like people who don't get carnes. i like -- (laughter) -- let me tell you something, i like winners, those are the people whose bodies don't suffer from an uncontrollable division of abnormalle cells attacking their organs. those are the people we should be making wishes and running marathons for, winners, winners winners, winners (cheers and applause) trump 2016. trump's bold --
11:04 pm
(laughter) -- p.o.w.s -- oh we're going out on a high note! trump's p.o.w.s aren't hero raise questions of what the (bleep) is wrong with him? >> when you're criticized or attack, you often respond with name calling using terms like dummy, loser, total losers on twitter and and elsewhere. you even demean some people's physical appearance. is that something you will continue doing if you're president? >> people attack me. you say physical appearance. it's my hair. people are constantly attacking my hair. i don't see you coming to my defense. my hair is just fine. (laughter) >> jon: first things first -- your hair's not fine. now i agree, attacking someone's physical appearance is a cheap blow -- but that hair?
11:05 pm
that is comedy entrapment! (laughter) people are not attacking your hair. they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them! will(laughter) i smell a new pixar movie! (laughter) trump's comments clearly caught on tape. trump had no choice but to recognize he had misspoken and take the honorable way out. i'm just (bleep) with ya! here's what he did. >> why did savannah start out by saying i said he wasn't a war hero. he was a war hero. savannah started it off by saying i didn't i said he wasn't a war hero.
11:06 pm
i didn't say that. >> jon: i swore you could have. >> he is not a war hero! >> jon: yeah, let's watch it upside down. >> he is not a war hero. >> jon: no, still -- better there but still sounds like he said he's not a war hero. let me see a little "sesame street" vibe -- >> he's not a war hero. >> jon: that appears to be brought to you by the letter "you said it"! >> he is a war hero. i said that. they don't want to play it. if you would have let it run another three seconds, you would have seen i said very clearly, he is a war hero. >> he's a war hero because he was captured. >> jon: so you said he's not a war hero. the guy next to you goes he's a war hero.
11:07 pm
and you go, well, he's a war hero because he got captured. so, really does calling someone a war hero count if you're doing it sarcastically? he's not a war hero but, all right, he is a war hero fine, he got captured. whatever. (applause) but, of course who better to talk about sacrifice in wartime than donald trump. >> i had student deferment and medical deferment because of my feet. i had a bone spur. >> jon: okay, gi et that as a man who is also constantly suffering from medical conditions that aren't real! i will say a bone spur is very painful. it's the kind of pain you never forget. >> which foot do you have a bone spur in? >> i don't know, it's in the records. (laughter) >> jon: right or left, one of those two. i don't know.
11:08 pm
probably the one i don't normally have in my mouth. (laughter) listen! don't flame out now! i've got to squeeze three more weeks of this in! you're at the point where even your fellow republican candidates, people trying very hard to not recognize what a terrible person are now are. >> it's ridiculous. denounce donald trump for that. >> donald trump owes every american veteran and in particular john mccain an apology. >> jeb bush is saying "enough with the slanderous attacks. senator john mccain and all our veterans particularly p.o.w.s, have earned our respect and admiration ." >> jon: yes at long last does the man who accused the vast a majority of mexican immigrants of being drug-addicted rapists have no sense of decency?
11:09 pm
(laughter) but they're right! they're right! (applause) i so love this man! (laughter) i really feel like he's some sort of jewish holiday waiting to happen. like, we thought the craziness would only last a day. but by a miracle it burned for eight, ten holy (bleep)! that's what we should call it, holy (bleep)-ka! (laughter) why is everybody surprised about trump? the only thing you like him is because of the terrible things he's willing to say about obama. but he has no control over the vomit of dickishness that comes
11:10 pm
out of his mouth! his word puke will get on you! you should have known that, you have been down this road before! >> nancy pelosi is a ding bat. waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists. >> jon: once you cast the spell -- (laughter) -- and bring an internet comment to life, it no longer belongs you. only this time the chatroom troll emoji you've con injured has $10 billion of its own money. you thought a word salad was hard to shake? wait till you get trump dump on you. we'll
11:11 pm
colonel sanders here. ask any lifeguard and she's gonna tell ya the best part of summertime is my five dollar fillup with finger lickin' good sauce. dip your chicken in it... wait an hour... dip yourself in the pool. it's finger lickin' good.
11:12 pm
welcome aboard folks just take any empty seat that you see. sfx: (blows nose) ♪ ♪ sfx: (baby whines) ♪ you know when you book a fabulous vacation cause the photos look amazing? (waves crashing, seagull calling) but you get there and find out it's far from amazing. (flies buzzing) it's almost like it was too good to be true? that's like when you switch wireless carriers and find yourself stranded with a frustrating unreliable connection. (oven door thuds) if your new network isn't working for you... (siren blares) come home to verizon and get $300. verizon.
11:13 pm
come home to a better network. (cheers and applause) >> jon: the more -- the more development in donald trump's presidential bid because, you know, why not, nothing else really is fun to talk about, we turn to senior election correspondent jordan klepper who's at the trump hotel. thanks for joining us. jordan a month in the trump campaign and he has already managed to alienate most of his own party. >> i know. the man is truly an inspiration. >> jon: wait a minute. an inspiration? to whom? >> well, to me to my hedge fund
11:14 pm
manager, to frat boys everywhere jon. don't you see, donald trump could very well be our first openly asshole president. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: come on. that can't be true. what about andrew jackson, he's an asshole. >> no, jackson was a compassionless killing machine. >> jon: warren harding. a dickhead, not an asshole. it's nuance but a difference. >> jon: nixon. nixon, clearly an asshole. >> gaping. a gaping asshole but closeted. nixon's assholishness went unconfirmed until the tapes leaked but trump, on the other hand, says it loud and proud. i'm here, i'm an asshole get used to it you mexican rapist losers. >> jon: i admit it. i never thawed about it. >> jon, clearly you are prejudiced against asshole
11:15 pm
americans. >> jon: that's totally not true jordan. i have very close friends who are assholes. >> really? >> jon: yep. like who? paul rudd. paul rudd is an asshole. (cheers and applause) >> jon! thank you for the shoutout, buddy! really, this is the best asshole you could come up with? >> jon: hey, klepper i just (bleep) your man while your dad dad watched. you piece of (bleep). trump 2016! (applause) i stand corrected. that guy's a real asshole.
11:16 pm
>> jon: i get it now, trump's campaign is a step forward for assholes everywhere. >> a giant leap for ass kind. let me tell you a story about a little boat. people used to say to me -- to him, little boy, you will never be president. you're way too big an asshole, jordan -- lilt boy. then he'd cry myself to sleep listening to nickel back. do you know who that little me was jon? >> jon: it was you. no, it was me jon, me! but today is a new day not just for me but the little assholes at home sassing their underpaid cleaning woman, running the first puppy mill or clapping at the wrong parts of wall street now those assholes can dream. so we say thank you donald trump for being such a tremendous asshole! >> jon: jordan, that was
11:17 pm
beautiful. thank you. >> thank you, john. by the way, i also (bleep) your mom while your dad watched. >> jon: my dad's passed away jordan. >> sorry. paul rudd makes it look so easy! >> jon: jordan t-mobile now extends your coverage beyond the borders at no extra charge. get 4g lte data, unlimited calls and texts in mexico and canada just like in the u.s. that's coverage in three countries for the price of one. only from t-mobile. ♪ the staff at this beautiful resort . . . will stay with you forever. ♪ especially if you don't leave. ♪ you got it booking right. booking.yeah
11:18 pm
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. this summer you could win tickets every hour to concerts of your choice! oh, awesome! yeah! but only with pepsi. yes!! oh, at least your name's on the bottle... do i look like a larry to you? pop open music every hour with pepsi!
11:19 pm
♪ ♪ fifty! ♪ ok! ♪ ♪ ♪
11:20 pm
prep trauma unit 5. what've we got? bp 64/40 sterilize sites. multiple foreign objects in the body. tweezers. (buzz!) (buzz!) if you're the guy from the operation game, you get operated on. it's what you do. (buzz!) if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance you switch to geico. it's what you do.
11:21 pm
(cheers and applause) welcome back! my guest tonight, a guy called "ant-man"! >> look, this is going to get weird. it's freaky but safe. no reason to be scared. >> oh, no, i don't get scared. really? good.
11:22 pm
that's witchcraft. >> that's amazing. that's david copperfield stuff. that's wizardly. >> how did you do that, bro! don't freak out. look at your shoulder. >> what! i thought you didn't get scared! >> jon: ladies and gentlemen, paul rudd! (cheers and applause) >> jon: we'll do this together. >> together. (laughter) >> jon: here's what i'm going to miss, so 12 shows people say, what are you going to miss?
11:23 pm
one thing, paul rudd's effortless sensuality. (cheering) you are your own perfume. eau de rudd. >> oh, that is so nice. you know what i'm going to miss? >> jon: no. everything. >> jon: what! like, all of these people. >> jon: aw! it is everything. >> jon: everything. it is always a grind, you have to promote, you do all these shows, and they're fun by, every time jon, with you, it's different. everybody feels that way! >> jon: unlike the other shows, and i think you will back me up on this, i don't prepare. >> that's why we're a perfect
11:24 pm
match! (laughter) >> jon: i can't believe you're a superhero! you used to be just some guy walking around the neighborhood looking nice, and now you're a superhero! you're in the marvel universe. you're ant "ant-man"! say it like a jersey guy. >> ann manhunt. >> jon: sounds like if i'm not wrong anthony man. >> or antony. i have the ability to hem a pair of pants in 30 minutes! >> jon: you know what's sad -- you want a cuff? >> jon: if you were antman your parents would probably say to you, you're small for a superhero. yeah he's little but he's strong, strong. ten times his weight burks his weight is not much
11:25 pm
(laughter) you know what? he could stand to eat more. have some. this is what we aspire to as young nerdish fellows to be in the superhero movie is the pinnacle of being a nerd. >> it is the pinnacle. i can't believe that i am here, that i'm in the world, that i'm in the marvel universe. >> jon: it's crazy because you're not good in movies! (laughter) >> not even close. >> jon: and you're rewarded! an heroic, strong, going to save the world -- (laughter) >> jon: are you done with this yet? >> yeah, we finished the movie. it's in theaters now. >> jon: is this your last show? >> i have been doing kind of, like, this promotion and this is my favorite way to end this.
11:26 pm
>> jon: this show has a always been and remains, for me, the caboose of show business. (laughter) we are that last car on the train. maybe there's a guy sitle there quietly jerking off under his rain coat, and there's me. and you come into that car after traversing that entire long train and you sit down and you just say to yourself, let's get this (bleep) over with. >> i would make one change to that. you're assuming i'm already on the train. if you're the caboose, i'm the guy on that little cart that's chasing you with the little handheld thing you see in cartoons. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: i love it. you're a fine man. i've always enjoyed our conversations, i hope to have many more, and not just when we pass each other on the streets, for god's sake. >> i love you, jon stewart
11:27 pm
(audience reacts) >> jon: just to clarify, that was in the prompter. (laughter) that was not -- it was a beautiful reading, but that was in the prompter. >> thank you. >> jon: "ant-man" in theaters now. superhero paul rudd. (cheers and applause) hey, what's up, man? hey, so what are you up to tonight? ah, nothing much. just something like a little karaoke thing. well, let's hear some. no, right here? ♪carry on my wayward son.♪ ♪there will be peace when you are done.♪
11:28 pm
so, nope. you know the rest. thank you. i go on at 9. or 9:30, sometimes they run late. carry on! as long as you are you it's miller time. ♪ if you can't stand the heat, get off the test track. get the mercedes-benz you've been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedes-benz dealer. hurry, before this opportunity cools off. share your summer moments in your
11:29 pm
mercedes-benz with us. with at&t, strong can turn a simple lunch break... ...into advanced economics. at&t's network has the nation's strongest 4g lte signal. ♪ amore. subito! ♪ nooooo! ♪ the all-new fiat 500x crossover. grrr. with 70 standard and available safety features including options like all-wheel drive and blind spot monitoring, it's eye candy that watches the road. ♪ nooooo!
11:30 pm
(cheers and applause) >> jon: that is all! but before we go, check out larry larry at the "nightly show" what do you have in store for us tonight? >> seriously, so much happened while we were on break. >> jon: give me a hint! okay, then. i bought a new pair of shoes. >> jon: yeah, that doesn't seem like that big a deal, but -- >> come on, they're special shoes scientifically engineered by expert foot doctors. >> jon: for what purpose larry? >> kicking cosby's ass! (cheers and applause) >> jon: all right, guess we'll see you in a minute. thanks very much. see you in a bid. everybody, tomorrow night, the president will be joining us -- not of the united states -- (laughter) -- just the french club. here is your moment of zen.
11:31 pm
>> john mccain goes oh, boy trump makes my life difficult. he had 15,000 crazies show up. crazies. he called them all crazy. i said, they weren't crazy. they were great americans. if you would have seen these people -- i know what a crazy is. i kn tonightly -- twice-divorced muppet head donald trump mocks john mccain for being captured in vietnam. (laughter) yes, if only mccain could have evaded the north vietnamese as well as trump evaded that u.s. draft board. (laughter) (cheers and applause) in a newly released deposition bill cosby admits to drugging