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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  July 22, 2015 5:50pm-6:23pm PDT

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damn! okay so -- the audience at home is going what? so it's a forum to meet people who want to sleep with you. you. i get why men would like that. but women already have such a forum. it's called "any place ever." (laughter) you know guys really want to do this. but really, what's the big deal? it's a website for cheaters. the new england patriots of marriage, if you will. right? (laughter) [ audience oohs ] what did i do? what did i do? (cheers and applause) all i'm saying, guys, it's just a fringe website right? >> hackers are threatening to make public some embarrassing, very personal details for more than 37 million cheating spouses stolen from the dating website ashley madison. >> larry: [ bleep ] 37 million people? (laughter) oh my god. that's enormous! >> that's what she said. (laughter).
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>> larry: oh, thanks, jeb. (cheers and applause) very good timing. we actually did some research on this, and our research team came up with an actual number. crack research team, what it that break down to? >> one in nine! (laughter) >> larry: all right. thank you. thank you. our crack research team tim, everyone. (laughter) that means close to one in nine married people in america are actively trying to have an affair on just this one site. statistically speaking, that's like two duggars. (laughter) [ audience oohs ] oh. so just what is all stake in -- at stake in this hack? >> hackers threaten to reveal customers' sexual fantasies and financial information if the website is not shut down. >> larry: oh, wow. they might release secret sexual fantasies of married people?
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(laughter) that sounds scandalous! (laughter) what could those fantasies be? "hopefully tonight." (laughter) "not missionary." (laughter) "nobody cries." (laughter) or the most racy married fantasy ever -- "unscheduled." (laughter) (cheers) woo! yeah! (cheers) got an older crowd here. (laughter) an experienced crowd. all right. here to talk to us more about this hack is anonymous ashley madison user mr. "x." so, mr. "x," how do you feel about this? (laughter) >> it's a disaster, larry. all my information has been exposed. -of- i didn't sign up for this. i signed up for cheating, not getting caught. (laughter) >> larry: well, didn't you also sign up to be married?
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i mean, that's a contract. (laughter) >> i don't remember. i was drunk when i got married. (laughter) look the only contract i'm concerned about right now is the ashley madison terms of service. they said they would scrub my info for $19.99. they lied, larry. this is about betrayal between me and the internet. (laughter). >> larry: your voice sounds so odd there. (laughter) so really? that's how you see it? >> me and ashley? we had a covenant. (laughter) we had a bond. now that's broken. i wish my marriage wasn't so bad. i'd like to talk about this with my wife. (laughter) thanks for listening. >> larry: hey, sorry. it's no problem. i'm sorry your marriage is bad too. but if you're that unhappy, why don't you just get a divorce? >> are you kidding? do you know how humiliating that would be? (laughter) i'd have to live my whole life with this fake mustache and voice. (laughter) >> larry: okay, well, thanks a
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lot. mr. "x," everyone. (cheers and applause) i have no idea who that was. completely anonymous. moving on to our top story and a segment called "i can't believe this [ bleep ] is still going on!" (laughter) this past weekend in south carolina, racial tensions got so high, they made the recent iran nuke talks look like a super chill. corona ad. (laughter) here's what happened. that's not photoshoped you guys. this is all true. there was rally on the state house steps about the confederate flag, and guess who was invited? >> on the north steps, a small rally by the black educators for justice, a radical offshoot of the new black panther party. on the south lawn, the ku klux klan. >> larry: what?! (laughter) the black panthers and the klan got booked for the same spot on
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the same day? (laughter) good lord! seriously? oh, my god! (cheers and applause) i mean, this is the worst booking error since cosby was tapped to give the keynote address at the annual spring narcolepsy convention. (laughter) (cheers) i'm just reporting on this. i am just the reporter. all right? so let me see if i can guess this properly. you've got kkk and black panthers. hmmment. which side is supporting the confederate flag? >> i'm here for this right here. i'm here for this flag. i'm here for my forefathers who died under this flag. >> larry: i guess your dentist died under the flag too. (laughter) (cheers and applause) okay. out of line. okay. let's see if we can unpack the absurdity of this. kkk guy wants me to believe that he has honorable intentions in supporting the flag. oh, kkk guy. (laughter)
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i just think it's too soon for me to trust you. (laughter) but you know what? please put some more of your honorable intentions on display so i can have a more informed decision. and please include any other people that you feel could help express this honorable point. >> you are the color of a bowel movement. you drag your knuckles [ bleep ]. >> everybody should stick with their own damn race and then this country would be a better damn place! >> i love connell sanders. [ bleep ]! [ audience oohs ] >> larry: hmm. okay let's see. color of bowel movement. all right. i would say i'm not on board. (laughter) there you have it some of the loudest profonts of the confederate flag. there's nothing clearer than a man holding the confederate flag high while making ape noises at
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. joining us again, comedian and actress rachel feinstein. (cheers and applause) he's a rapper and actor you can see in the new movie "southpaw," out friday, 50 cent. (cheers and applause) and he's the director of the new movie "trainwreck" and author of the new book "sick in the head," my old pal, judd apatow. (cheers and applause) it's a great panel. lot of movie power on the panel
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tonight. now, judd, we did this whole cosby thing. i wish he was here tonight. because i know you had a lot to say about this. what is your take on what all this stuff that just came out? >> well, everything just came out so i feel like -- >> larry: you were enjoying it. it's so sad. i mean you are one of the only people to really make a strong statement about it. and i only talked about it because nobody was talking about it. >> larry: well, it's showbiz. i feel like the women make strong statements. (laughter) no one chose to believe them. >> that's through. right -- true. right. (applause) the camille thing always shocked me that she stands by him. >> larry: yeah. ike he doesn't seem to be getting in any trouble, where i -- >> larry: trouble? yeah. i accidentally only recorded the second half of the "bachelorette" the other night and my wife almost murdered me. >> i think he convinced himself that he hasn't done anything wrong. i was looking at parts of the deposition, just the fact that
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he describes all the the things he does with them beforehand. they do a lot of acing, almost like -- acting like hip roll exercises. and then he talks about them about what their goals are. there's this massaging course he gives them first. i think he honestly believes he offers them kind of pre-rape spiritual advancement course. (laughter) and he's sick. he's a lunatic. and i think he actually tells himself that. you know? >> larry: yeah. he really offers them a lot of council before he ruins their lives. >> larry: do you think he's sick or to you think he's convinced he did nothing wrong? >> i don't think 40 people say -- to do that this means that it has to be like a super routine. (laughter). >> 40 people? yeah. ou think he's going for a number thing. >> i think it was like every available person like -- (laughter) >> a different kind of vitamin
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water if you will. >> larry: all right. well we talked about this ashley madison thing. let's show this clip of the guy who runs the cheating website because this is what he says. >> people have affairs because they don't want a divorce. their joint economic situation, their family and household. there's all kinds of things. but what they don't want to continue with is what doesn't happen in their bedroom. >> larry: okay. now, do you believe that's true? >> he's telling you the truth. i don't want to break up. that's why i was with her. (laughter) >> guys will say anything, right? (applause) >> larry: let me ask you this. do you think cheating can actually save marriages or relationship? >> no but i think -- when you've done something you're not supposed to do, you have a higher tolerance. (laughter) >> why are you looking at me? (laughter). >> larry: first you drugged her drink. now what's going on here? (laughter) >> whatever you want. after you've done something you're not supposed to do.
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>> i accept your apology. (laughter) >> i don't understand cheating at all in my life. but when you're with someone that you feel like it's better than -- like i can't imagine two women would want to have sex with me. (laughter) >> larry: you mean another woman. >> i can't believe she's there. (laughter) i go out to eat. i always feel like she's going to go to the bathroom and climb out a window and run away. (laughter) >> larry: why do you think it's happening so much? do you think people are cheating more or that it's just easier to cheat? >> i think it is easier. larry: it's easy to cheat? they market to people who want to cheat. even that website, there's something so weird about it the way they call it ashley madison. is sounds like the name of some high-end linens. >> they're selling drapes. a lot of married men, they'll tell the woman to leave. they don't want a text-message or email or any type of communication right there. (laughter) get up and leave immediately after we're done. (laughter)
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>> larry: that's what they actually say. >> yeah. they're paying for that. they're not paying for the sexual experience. they can get that -- no communication. (laughter) >> larry: do you think we care about it anymore? do we care if our politicians cheat? you say yes but bill's approval rating went up after -- >> you liked it better when you found out -- >> you messed up too. larry: you liked him because you thought he was human -- >> yeah. larry: or because -- it shows that -- imperfections within men. the additional energy in that area. (laughter). >> larry: hey -- i'm talking about -- (laughter) >> if you exercise a lot -- right. then you have more
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testosterone. see, i don't exercise. (laughter). >> not at all. i hit the link and it was a picture of me. (laughter) >> larry: no, are you serious? yeah. wow. it's terrible. don't think it works. i don't believe that like you could run 20,000 miles in your life and if i run zero, i'm going to live a shorter amount of time than you because i'm like a tire with all its tread. (laughter) i'm totally ready. nothing has been used here. (laughter) >> larry: i have a stepdad bod. it's like -- (laughter). >> someone was going to a website. >> on the computer and you look and it says the previous search was like that. >> will i be upset? if you saw your spouse in it? r spouse was looking at it. >> no, because i make my wife make out with paul rudd every three years.
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(laughter). (cheers and applause) >> larry: if he saw your spouse's name how would you react? >> i'd say ah-ha. larry: hmm. if you saw a friend of yours under would you tell the person? >> it's not my business. i'm not getting involved in that. >> larry: would you, rachel? he's not a -- yeah, if it was anybody i cared about, i'd let them know. it's not just that they're cheating. that's the thing about a dirtbag. god knows what can happen. >> are really attracted to women. (laughter) your relationship is not open. >> i feel like me and 50's life are very different. (laughter) >> i can appreciate these things.
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>> larry: can relate to everything you're saying -- i can relate to everything you're saying, 50. (laughter) you can't even say it. he can't even say it. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ bacolooooogne bacon you can't eat, is bacon you don't need. try taco bell's bacon club chalupa. crispy bacon over grilled chicken in a chewy chalupa shell. it's bacon you can eat.
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a hand pressed burger, melted cheddar with crispy hash browns and an egg your way. the thing: now that's a burg--- (explosion) (groans) you want that to go again sweetie? the thing burger. welcome to denny's. fantastic 4, only in theaters. >> larry: welcome back. it's time for the segment we like to call "keep it 100." there we go. for all you people who don't
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know what that expression means, it means "keep it 100% real." all right? if you guys keep it 100% real you get -- we're going to throw some -- all right? judd, let's start with you. in honor yf your movie "trainwreck," congratulations, you had great weekend. >> thank you very much. (cheers and applause) very funny amy schumer who i imagine is the "trainwreck" in question. >> that's true. larry: here is your question. who is bigger trainwreck, amy schumer or lena dunham? >> ooh. that's a very good question. (laughter) i never even pondered to think that. >> larry: that's my job. (laughter) >> well, i don't know. production has rapped. the movie's out. schumer! (cheers and applause) >> larry: is he keeping it 100? (cheers and applause)
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good job. 50 who keeping on the trainwreck thing who's a bigger trainwreck diddy or raul? (cheers and applause) you can put yourself in there too. >> i like me out of that one. larry: that's pretty bad. (cheers and applause) hundred? all right. what were you going to say? >> i was just going to say mine was easier than his. (laughter) because i -- >> larry: they get harder as we go along. >> i didn't have like the threat of violence or anything. (laughter) >> larry: the degree of difficulty increases. look at rachel getting all scared. >> i know because i don't want it. >> larry: you were in "trainwreck." >> you should have asked me if she was a trainwreck. >> larry: okay. you worked with judd and you worked with me here. so who's a bigger trainwreck
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judd or me? [ audience oohs ] keep in mind "trainwreck" has rapped. >> yeah. honestly, i -- like i guess i spend more time with judd at this point. so i'd have to say you. you could have skeletons no one knows about. >> larry: i'm the bigger trainwreck? [ audience oohs ] >> oh, whatever! i knew they were going to attack me. i knew it. >> larry: what should i give her? i don't know. rachel, i'll give you a hundred but you never call me a trainwreck. (cheers and applause) >> larry: we'll be right back. how dare you? >> larry: if you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, grab some free tickets to an upcoming taping of the "the nightly show," showcased monday through thursday. for complete details go to the (cheers and applause)
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dy central captioned by media access group at wgbh (cheers and applause) >> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our panelists -- 50 cent, rachel feinstein, and judd apatow. give them a nice round of applause. (cheers and applause) tune in tomorrow night when uzo aduba from "orange is the new black" joins me on the panel. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) nsored by comedy central
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome. nice to see you. welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we got a big show for you tonight but i would like to begin it by reciting my -- [laughter] 29 minutes long but it gets cooking around a 117. i'm not going to screw around tonight as someone reminded me in the audience tonight -- [laughter] apparently if i understand it correctly, no one's interested in my [bleep] tonight. so let's just get to it.
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ladies and gentlemen the 44th president of the united states. please welcome back to the program president barack obama. [crowd cheering] >> thank you. >> jon: you know, i am amazed and humble every time i come out here and get that ovation. i'm just happy you were here to witness it. [laughter] what are you going to do. how are you? what have you done now?


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