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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 23, 2015 1:04am-1:39am PDT

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that's not real. that's a thing. full dingle. trust me, if we go-- if we go dance somewhere and you jump in talking about, "i'm gonna jump in this party full dingle," and you just tell everybody, you will be the coolest person. jordan, is that real? "on fleek" is real, though. "on fleek" is real. so dingle's not real? it's not real! [laughter] full dingle is not real! it is now, though. [laughs] (keegan) 'cause this is a groundbreaking show up in this bitch. [laughter] (both) ♪ i'm gonna do my one line here ♪ (man) oh, yeah. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. man do we have a show for you tonight. our guest tonight our old pal jake gyllenhaal will join us in a little bitment an we're very excited about that. chooers plaus. >> jon: but i did want to -- recently i we haven't been on in the last couple of days we had a little break. but we've been talking a lot about a certain republican presidential candidate. (laughter) whose campaign has captured america's inability to turn away from spectacular man-made disasters. (laughter) but at what price as our good friend maximus once said, are you not entertained! of course we are. but much like incessant masturbation eventually you
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feel a deep sense of shame. (laughter) not enough to stop you from doing it entirely but enough to slow you down a bit and a chance to are tate the video stock all the better. my point is this our incessant trump-gazing has caused us to miss important nontrump news. >> historic deal the nuclear agreement that could change the world. >> the accord agreed to by iran and six world powers is intended on keeping iran from producing a nuclear weapon for at least a decade. >> after 20 months of negotiations. >> after years of sanctions the president said today that diplomacy had triumphed. >> jon: oh my god that's such great news! unless is diplomacy the name of our new drone by any chance? is that-- of course not.
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welcome back, iran. a huge milestone could bring you back into the global community while also helping to ease fears that you will blow up said global community. (laughter) iran has promised to freeze their nuclear program disabled their plutonium reactor, cut their centrifuges. it is a landmark diplomatic accomplishment. sort of. put that another way. >> this is a bad deal. >> awful deal. >> terrible deal. >> what a stunning historic mistake. >> historically bad deal. (laughter) >> jon: historically bad deal. let me tell you something as a mets fan. (laughter) (cheers and applause) you want to talk about historically bad deal. as a fan of a baseball team
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that once traded future hall of fame pitcher nolan ryan away for future not so hall of famer jim fregosi i know a bad deal when i see one. what's so bad about this deal? >> you have now insured there they will become a nuclear nation this is a bad deal, the worse possible outcome as you created a nuclear arms race in the mideast you put israel at risk and us at risk. >> okay that is a [bleep] up deal. that does sound like a bad deal. wow i'm sorry senator graham you must have been shocked when you saw those details in the copy of the deal that you read. >> the only other thing that i would add is that we don't know all the specifics to this plan. >> that's true. >> but you yourself haven't read anything. >> that's true but-- (laughter) >> jon: i have not-- i have not read it i have not read this deal but as god is my witness, i feel this deal as
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strongly as one could feel that a loved one has been felled at the battle of-- and now the plantation has to be run by you and you alone. oh lincoln you didn't even read the deal? basically you're treating this critical international accord like some kind of by sdwlaro itunes user agreement blah blah, blah skip all the details go to the bottom and click disagree. i thought taking way the keys to iran's nukes would be a good thing. what's the problem here? >> this deal puts them on the path to be a nuclear weapon state in will to 10 years. >> they will have a bomb probably within 15 years. >> nuclear warheads within 10 or 15 years. >> jon: 10 or 15 years? with the way the world's going? [bleep] a nuclear iran is going to be the least of our
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problems in 10 or 15 years. iranian nukes will be a blink from swimming through our flooded cities fighting ebola zombies with our teeth because we can't hold guns thanks to our iphone shaped hand tumors. that's what is going to be extreme. (applause) you know it's funny. prime minister netanyahu seems very up set iran might have a nuclear weapon in ten years hins sis predeal estimate was slightly less optimistic. >> by next spring at most by next summer at current enrichment rates they will have finished the medium enrichment and move on to the final stage. from there it's only a few months possibly a few weeks. before they get enough enriched uranium for the first bomb. (laughter) now we're talking about iran or wile e coyote who are we
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talking about here? >> solis en, by your own math, this deal just bought us about nynex tra years. i'm sure this deal ain't perfect. lifting sanctions could empower iran to fur fund destabilizing terror groups there are still four americans being held there. that is something that has to be dealt with. but what is our alternative. >> i think the alternative is for congress to reject this deal and demand a better deal. >> my answer is a better deal go back and make a better deal. >> jon: ah, better. yes. why didn't i think of that. a better deal would be better. (laughter) just out of curiosity what would this better deal entail? >> what would have been an acceptable deal in your mind? >> describing the perfect deal i guess would be a deal under which iran would not be able to acquire nuclear weapons (laughter)
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>> jon: some would say that would be a logical reason. (laughter) like a turtle flipped on its back. (applause) clearly i think the republicans just need to get behind someone who understands deal making -- unleash the kraken! >> you look at this iran deal which is a total disaster and we done even get our prisoners back. if you had the right messenger like if i did or if i picked somebody that did it that knew about negotiation not somebody that goes into a bicycle race and bleaks his leg at 73 years old.
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>> jon: you can't trust kerry that frj il prick. you can't sent an old man to make a deal like when we sent that polio riddled loser to yalta. [bleep] that prick. i would have won us east and west germany. be realistic one country cannot just force another country to do what it wants when has that ever happened. >> grooeses is now a wholly owned protectorate owned by german ian angela merkel. >> greece didn't have a lot of choice because its masters are in germany and they have to answer to the european central banks. >> jon: of course. the way to bring a country to heal is not to isolate them economically but to make them dependent on you economically through a series of crippling unpayable predatory loans. >> and i believe in that area i can say unequivocally we're number one.
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>> goldman sachs engaged in a series of apparently legal transactions that were designed to hide the true level of greek debt. and that's how the trouble started. >> jon: yeah. [bleep]. we don't need to isolate iran, we need to hit them with a loan strike. >> i like this. i like this strategy. give our military a rest and destroy iran purely through economic relation. think it won't work? it already is. >> you're absolutely right follow the money. >> mcdonald's wants to open a franchise in tehran. >> mcdonald's in tehran! trust me after the complete americanization of iran the only thing they will be six months away from developing is diabetes and heart disease. we'll be right
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(cheers and applause) >> welcome back.
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the big question the big question for the iran nuclear deal is whether opponents can muster a sdret- o-proof two-thirds congress to block this deal. president obama is going to need the support of powerful democrats. senator charles schumer. >> the senator senator did -- senior senator from new york the key vote on whether or not president obama iran nuclear deal will get derailed by congress. we are sitting down for breakfast this morning with senator chuck schumer bz boom, break fast interview. a great idea. get the schumes early in the day while es aes fresh. his ideas about iran will still be-- no! what have you done? you brought in old new york jewishman to a diner! do you realize what this means. you will never end up talking about the iran deal will you just end up talking about the [bleep] diner. >> how they have so many dishes and they're all fresh and good. >> many of the greek dine esches have little cookies at the end that they serve
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you. you can tell the quality of that. >> usually a greek family father husband wife. >> each diner has its own specialties but there are certain things a good hamburger and french fries a good diner has to have. the menu has to be seven-- seven or eight pages they have to have everything. (laughter) the diner's menu can't be used as a murder weapon. it's not a real diner. anyway, about the iran deal. >> here is another little trick. i dilute my orange juice. you drink this glass of orange it's 200 calories and it's acidic. do this put 9/10 water one tent water after a week or two it tastes the same and one tenth the calories. (laughter) >> also something else i learned, you order a nice big meal and just rub it on
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your gums without swallowing the nutrients are absorbed under the lips. or better yet order a slice of carrot cake you get it to go. and then throw it in the hudson river. it costs $4 but it's zero call real estates. -- calories. >> can we get to the iran deal? >> i love grits i love anything with corn. i liked grits when i first tasted them. i said i wonder why i like them, that was in washington which was even then in 81ry in more southern city than it is now. why do i like them it's corn. senator save it for the memoir which brings us us to chapter 37 my grits awakening. look, although as it turns out that contains a bizarre twist. >> what i have on my grits which the southerners would turn their nose to sweet 'n low a brooklyn product
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1200 jobs? brooklyn are sweet 'n low jobs direct and indirect so i eat a lot of this stuff (laughter) >> jon: that's [bleep] weird that's weird is that like a constituent service i'm from brooklyn so i have to use as much sweet 'n low. during the winter i don't salt my driveway a sweet 'n low my drivie. every year for hanukkah we hide the sweet 'n low. how do i take my coffee you guessed it black followed by three months of sweet 'n low. enough talking about food in the diner. can we get to the historic nuclear deal? >> let's start with this. have you read the deal. >> not yet. i've been so busy this week in washington. (laughter) . >> jon: how many sweet 'n low was it take to kill myself, how many we'll be did you leave behind something reliable?
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♪ ninety-nine percent of people who have an iphone love their iphone. ♪ if it's not an iphone, it's not an iphone. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight a new film out called "south paw" >> do me a favor. you didn't have time? let's go. come on.
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filled with that leading left. those who love him say what is that? (laughter) >> welcome back to the program jake gyllenhaal. (cheers and applause) >> how are you guys? >> how are you my friend. >> i'm great. >> let me tell you something i'm watching this movie. >> yeah. >> phenomenal! you're-- look at this look at this [bleep]. >> yeah yeah. >> if this was me i would be going down the streets ache that. i would be. >> i feel like soon you will be walking the streets like that. >> not like that. >> i will have a diaper holding a sandwich. >> this is-- people don't realize and this is what i
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love about your-- you commit to each role and give yourself a motivation to submerge yourself in it. that's what i like about what you do. you take the deep dive. >> i think there's-- i mean it's such a crazy job that i want to learn about what is actually happening in the real world. and so you play a boxer i want to learn how to box. >> jon: people don't realize what you needed to do. you are actually right-handed. >> yeah. >> jon: but in this movie so is my character. >> southpaw is the title. >> jon: but you have to switch to do -- >> i don't give it away, he is an orthodox. he fights orthodox. >> jon: yes, but but he has to learn to do the other thing. so let me ask you a question. did you have to spend a lot of time with lefthanders? because i have it-- here's what i'm getting at. i'm left-handed.
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and i was available. >> yeah, i didn't really learn how to box. i just spent time with children who write with their left hand for five months, i train with kids who do this. >> jon: that is how we write. >> i know because you don't want to smear smear it. >> jon: very few people understand that? >> really. >> jon: people don't realize. when i was in school so i write like this. >> believe me, i watch the show. >> jon: i thought you were going to say believe me i watch you when you write. so when i was in scale they used to tape a ruler under may arm. >> why? >> jon: so that i wouldn't do that. >> where did you go to school? >> jon: new jersey. >> they did a good job. >> jon: so they did this and tried to get me to do it but it never took. so i still write like that.
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>> what would you do when they did that to your arm. how would you write? >> jon: like this because they would-- they didn't want-- they righthanders write like this. >> i know how write handers write. >> jon: let me ask you this do you know cursive. >> i can do cursive. >> jon: let me see. >> hold on. >> jon: that's all right. >> give me a second this is how i write. just give me a second. >> jon: let me tell you something. >> jon: give me a sect. >> this is how marlon brando wrote. and he is doing did -- what are you going to write. >> just give me a second. righthanders take a long tame to write. >> jon: oh for god's sake what are you writing me a prescription. >> hold on. >> jon: that's sweet. >> there you go. >> jon: that's sweet it says i love and then it has a j there which could actually be jake. so you basically wrote yourself a love letter! on my show. do you-- did you like boxing?
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i always felt like that was the sport. if i wasn't a pussy. >> yes. >> jon: i would have becomesed because that feels like the ultimate sport. >> you can be a pussy and you can act like a boxer. that's what i did. it's great. >> jon: that's smart. >> perfect. >> jon: when you got in they must have had you spar. >> yes i sparred yes, a lot. >> jon: what is that feeling do you ever get used to the feeling of somebody punching you? >> no you don't really. we could try it out if you want. >> jon: no! >> and you can tell me if you ever get used to it. >> jon: here's my whole thing. i'm like mayweather. you can't hit me i just do this. >> that's-- nothing like mayweather. >> jon: when i fight-- let me tell you how i fight. this is true. i go into the ring on a
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rolling chair. >> you know i always say i think like you might win against mayweather because it's like a poker player who doesn't know how to play poker and they come in and win it is the same with you. you might just scare the [bleep] out of him in a really weird way. >> jon: can you tell me what i did just now i hurt my knee. i hit it against-- we have a table down here. here's how pathetic that is. i hurt my knee on a table that holds my purell. (laughter) >> that's why i love j. >> jon: you're the best. >> you're the best. >> jon: when i'm done we should train because i'm done in two weeks. we should train and i will bring my boy. >> do you remember like maybe ten years ago we were going to play basketball. >> jon: yes. >> do you remember that? and then we dhefer did. >> jon: until now. >> because you were too
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busy. >> jon: but now i'm not. >> i don't want to hang out with you now. >> jon: perfect. south paw in theaters on july 24th. it's jake gyllenhaal. (cheers and applause) today something entirely new is being built into bounty. dawn. new bounty with dawn. what a novel idea! just rinse and wring so you can blast right through tough messes and pick up more. huh aren't we clever.... thanks m'aam. look how much easier new bounty with dawn cleans this gooey mess versus soap and a sponge. thank you! new bounty with dawn. available in the paper towel aisle. obviously! (water running) (bear roaring) nature smells great! ♪ old spice whistle
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