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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 29, 2015 9:18am-9:51am PDT

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-- captions by vitac -- comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: thank you! my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, a gentleman by the name of tom cruise will be joining us, because some people named cruise have the balls to come do this show. (cheers and applause)
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senator oh, i've got to stay in washington and do business? sounds like president obama jetting around on that sweet government plane of his. that's right, pal. you should be fying commercial like the rest like watching paul blart 2 on a tiny scream waiting for chicken chunks and you never get them because a drunk guy took a dump on the cart! (laughter) it's good the president is making shoes of air force one while he has it. >> president obama became the first sitting president of the united states to visit ethiopia. he traveled from his father's homeland kenya. >> jon: father's homeland! ha ha! hmm! his father's homeland, the place where his phat was born! >> ill suspect some of my critics back home are suggesting i'm back here to look for my
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birth certificate. (laughter) >> jon: well that stole a lot of the joy out of my joke. you host the daily show obama and i'll just pack up and move to some farm in new jersey -- what's that? oh i'm i am doing that? next week? wow! well, good thing you're here, otherwise i would have just kept coming to work. incidentally, mr. president you wish your critics were still spouting that birth announcement. they've moved on to your iran deal makes you hitler. maybe you're all down like, i was born in kenya? (laughter) president obama returns tomorrow
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from a five-day visit to kenya and ethiopia which began with the traditional presidential snubbing of the relatives. >> the trip to africa was perfect for president obama whose father was born in kenya but due to security concerns he won't be able to visit the vidges. >> i will not feel bad. he has to come to work, so let him work. i can't feel bad. he has to come for his duty. but some day he will surely come. he's a son here and i cannot be angered by him not coming to see me. >> jon: wow. i had no idea obama's african grandmother was jewish. (laughter) that was a little pass ifer aggressive from the kenyon grandmother. no, i get it! he's a president he has important people to see. doesn't bother me at all. if i really wanted to see him he can come to my funeral. mr. big shot american president!
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ahhh! thethere were sights forty gettable and unforgettable. >> he went to visit lucy probably one to have the most famous fossil in the world more than 3 million years old. >> the president toured a food processing facility where he met a farm who are increased output of corn on her farm by three times. (laughter) >> jon: look at the president's face when he's looking at the common ancestor of all mankind. and look at his corn face. that is a guy that's like, you know we have corn, right? we have loads of corn. let's focus on the non-corn. >> every single person here
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comes from her. even donald trump. >> jon: wow! it's one thing for the president to preempt my jokes but i'm not going to let an ethiopian anthropologist jump in on the trump action! it's fascinating across the world's cultures, the two things we share seem to be music and trump jokes. i quibble with the anthropologist because while most descendents are from lucy, donald trump descended from an ancient form known as tri-hairatops. (laughter) but obviously obama's trip was not all bones and corn. by the way, del monte's least
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popular product. also, have you had their bones and corn? i can't recommend it less. there were also serious issues for the president to address. >> he's not shying away from the issue of human rights. obama going head to head essentially with president kenyatta on gay rights issues. >> the idea is they are going to be treated differently or abused because of who they love is wrong. >> jon: i mean, what kind of backward, intolerant country would treat people differently just because they're gay? that is so one month ago! (laughter) now, not all the president's critiques were phrased quite as eloquently. >> the president also said kenya and other african nations still cling to traditions that marginalize women with and discourage them from working. >> that's stupid! (laughter)
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>> jon: you're idiots! (knocking) who'swho's there? you don't know. you're stupid. (laughter) but that's our president, because that's america. we are a beacon of equality and freedom and we spread that message no matter where we are no matter how uncomfortable it may make our less progressive hosts. >> president obama arrived in saudi arabia today. >> i thought it was very important to come to the place where islam began and to see the council. >> they did not discuss saudi human rights abuses. >> jon: let that be a lesson. you want to (bleep) people you need to move us up first. we'll be right back.
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so what can you tell me about your new offer? well, right now you can get... i'll take it. uh, well there's sold! how bout the... stop drilling, you struck oil. there's a sign behind me isn't there? i like it, but can the sign do this? that one can. i forgot about that one. get ipad mini 2 now for $199.99 when you buy any iphone on at&t next
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[ horn honks melody ] well, well. if it isn't the belle of the ball. gentlemen. you look well. what's new, flo? well, a name your price tool went missing last week. name your what, now? it gives you coverage options based on your budget. i just hope whoever stole it knows that it only works at so, you can't use it to just buy stuff? no. i'm sorry, gustav. we have to go back to the pet store. [ gustav squawks ] he's gonna meet us there. the name your price tool. still only at i'll have that new turkey & bacon guacamole on italian bread. sure thing. oven roasted turkey, oh-so-crispy bacon... blended perfectly with guacamole made from hass avocados, just a hint of jalapeno. it truly is heaven on italian bread.
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so, you've had it before? yeah...a couple times. i'll have what he's having. fall in love with the big time flavor of the new subway turkey & bacon guacamole. all your favorites in one amazing sandwich. subway. eat fresh. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! so, over the past couple of weeks, we have been drinking cold syrup before the show. i'm sorry, we have been encouraging you to send questions you always wanted to ask us. i haven't been drinking nyquil before the show. (laughter)
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anyway, we wanted you to send questions you always wanted to ask via twitter. tonight i answer those questions in the segment we call -- hey! it's going to be -- uh i'm sorry, thought we were doing the round table. >> have a seat jon. >> jon: sure, what's this about? >> people want answers stewart! >> jon: i know. happy to give them. >> yeah, prove it! at benefits babe wants to know who was your favorite guest of all time? >> jon: jimmy carter, president jimmy carter because-3 usually he's drunk and right afterwards he's like can we go look for whores? (laughter) >> you think it's funny, don't you, mr. chuckles? i don't want to do this, but i have to!
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>> jon: what are you doing? oh, don't -- don't do that. no no, not the knife and forks what is that de nino's? hasan, no fine my favorite guests are my friends, denis leary, louis, colin, quinn. just put that down. >> with you that so hard, huh? >> jon: spit it out. can we focus, stewart? can we focus? let me him digest it however he wants. >> jon: it is still pizza! @life is desire asks what is written on the blue papers you've scribbled on. >> i've always wanted to know that one. (laughter) >> jon: i have been writing a novel one sentence a day for 16 years about the struggles of a female blacksmith working in a
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male-dominated profession. >> he's doing a joke! if i wanted a joke i would have asked someone funnier. >> god forgive me for what i am about to do, stewart. >> jon: what are you going to do? >> frank -- no! no! no! come on! no! no! don't do it! turn it off! turn it off! i can't watch anymore! i'm a horrible actor! i can't watch anymore! neither can people that were supposed to pay money. >> was that your attempt to look desperate and sad? >> you are the terrible! i can't act! >> jon: the blue papers are a script. i can't smoke anymore so i scribble. i doodle the same cartoons over and over again. >> i want to see that so bad. show me that cartoon. >> jon: so what i normally do
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is draw a round-headed drunk guy like that or i draw me when i was in college. (laughter) that's a jew-fro. >> that's pretty good. i like it a lot. pretty good. >> but sam put simply wants to know is there an algorithm for what goes on every show? >> we have a guitar terrible voices and making up our own moves -- (singing) >> jon: our director, chuck o'neil! chooses the cities based on a theme like place place, or
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countries in the world cup semi-finals. >> that's fine, at l99 blood asks, marry shag or kill larry wilmore, jon stewart, stephen colbert? >> jon: some things are better left unsaid. let's not worry about this -- what is that? >> you know what this is. you know what this is, stewart. >> jon: i think that's an arby's enema? >> damn right exactly what it is and if you don't start talking we're going to make you eat it instead! open up! >> jon: fine! every single one of them and then i would make them breakfast in the morning and -- >> hey hey hey hey, hey hey! >> jon: whoa whoa, whoa!
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we'll be right back. ♪ if you can't stand the heat, get off the test track. get the mercedes-benz you've been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedes-benz dealer. hurry, before this opportunity cools off.
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share your summer moments in your mercedes-benz with us. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight has a new movie out called "mission impossible - rogue nation." >> do what i tell you! mc♪ >> open the door! ♪ open the door! yeah, okay okay okay! (laughter) >> jon: welcome back to the show, tom cruise! (cheers and applause) mcmiddle♪
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>> jon: please! please! >> thank you, thank you. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i'm going to let them give it out. that's, like, 30 seconds into the movie. that is the level of action that we've seen in this movie but that's like 30 seconds in. >> it's right in, 30 seconds. >> jon: here's what i learned from watching that, that's your real hair. (laughter) >> jon: you can't -- you're strapped to that actual plane, it's taking off. taking off it's live. you can't (bleep) that. if that were me, you would see a nice little patch. everybody would be, like, an old man like that can't hold on to the plane.
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you can hold on to the plane. well, you know what i want to see? here's what i want to see. >> what do you want to see? >> jon: remember yearning come cruise, vulnerable tom cruise you complete me tom cruise? where is that guy? now you're hanging on to planes and shooting people. >> that's mission. otal coward. we've seen that movie. >> jon: emily blunt. is that a one-handed pushup or is she strapped to something? >> she's doing one-handed pushups. >> jon: that is serious. how long does it take? because a lot of this -- i'm not giving it away -- you're shirtless in some of this, and you and i -- (cheering) thank you. (laughter)
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>> jon: you and i are about the same age. >> i'm 53. >> jon: you're older than me. (laughter) and i don't take off my shirt even to shower. (laughter) literally, now, i did that -- the last time i did that, both my nipples in unison went, put it back on. (laughter) >> jon: how long does it take? how long does it take for a guy our age to get, like -- how many hours do you have to put in a day? >> it depends. for mission movies i'm spending months training for the different sequences. >> jon: guy like me. (laughter) because i'm going to have some time on my hands. let's see i'm not doing a mission that is impossible. let's say i'm doing a mission
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that's intermediate. intermediate to beginner. what would i need to do. >> how much time do you want to put in? how many years? >> jon: (laughter) >> jon: i don't want to put in any time but i don't want to humiliate myself at the pool. so do you have to change your diet? do you have to do -- >> yeah, i mean, you know, you've got to look at your diet yes, that would be a good start. >> jon: you don't remember -- so you start out with the walk. my wife and i are doing -- have you ever heard of couch to 5k? >> no. >> jon: it's an app. really? (laughter) >> jon: yeah, you get it on your phone and a lady tells you when to walk. >> get off your ass? >> jon: she's not rude like that. she's very encouraging. >> validating. >> jon: encouraging and validating. i'm at the point now where she doesn't make me do it for more than 20 seconds at a time.
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>> that's good! start out with that. >> jon: actually, i think i heard her sigh the other day on the app. (laughter) but you're having a ball right? you seem like you're having a ball. >> i love making these movies. "mission" is the first film i produced. >> jon: i thought you had been producing a ton of stuff because that's a long time ago. >> 20 years ago, i started it, and it was the very first film that i ever produced and i went over there with sherri lansing and paramount and they asked me to produce and that's the first film i produced. >> jon: and that was -- i think it blew everybody's mind. >> jon: and there have been five of them? >> this is the fifth one. pretty amazing. it's the one i thought, if i could keep making these kinds of movies, you know -- >> jon: if i may, i think you
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can. >> yeah. (laughter) >> jon: it's not like death to smoochy when they're, like one and done! you can get in there and knock around a few more. do you have plans to do another one? >> yeah, we're probably going to shoot it next summer. right now the shooting deadline -- >> jon: how about this one, they drop you in a volcano? >> a fad idea. a little repelling in volcano. >> jon: i' ever been to iceland. >> jon: i'm a producer! have you? >> yeah. rappeling in a volcano. >> jon: that is totally what i would do. >> bring the kid they'll love it. >> jon: not one word in that sentence would i do, repelling volcano iceland -- maybe the conjunction, i can go but that's it. "mission impossible - rogue nation," in theaters friday!
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tom cruise! (cheers and applause) okay, what is this? it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a totally new cool. new ice breakers cool blasts. there's a bazillion ways to top your kids' rice krispies. what's yours? ♪ a dash of fruit ♪ ♪ in their favorite color. ♪ ♪ a bunch of pineapple ♪ ♪ 'cause hey - it's summer! ♪ ♪ bananas and berries ♪ ♪ 'cause the letter b rocks. ♪ ♪ a little bit of yogurt? ♪ ♪ sure! why not? ♪ the fun never stops! how will your kids top their snap, crackle and pop?
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anything. anywhere. anytime. anyone. spread the delicious taste you know and love. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate spreads. tadaaa! the nominees for best new artists are... blue razz, chocolate strawbs and cinna roll! and the winner is... (belches) blaaaaaaahhhh.... yeah.
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tadaaa! crazy good! you ever think about how the cement of your driveway... ...connects to the ends of the earth? from roller coaster hills... musical streets and movie chase scenes. it's all "one road." everywhere you take it tells your story. and wherever you are is where the road begins. the camry. toyota. let's go places.
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dy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> jon: talking with larry wilmore of the nightly show hey, larry! >> got any big plans for your last two weeks? >> jon: well, you know -- yes! you got a great last one planned? >> i'm not talking about the show jon -- oh, have you not heard? >> jon: what? i was with your doctor last night and -- well, you know enjoy these two weeks, buddy! have fun! >> jon: today you were talking to my doctor, indeed he was sharing my private and apparently catastrophic medical condition. weird. >> as long as we remember you, john. it's like you won't really be dying. >> jon: i'm not dying! i'm just leaving the show!
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larry wilmore! we'll be right back. that's our show! here it is, your moment of zen. >> looking at early pictures of her step-grandson's family, she had an observation. >> he's lookingtioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: tonightly, president obama is in africa this week. upon arrival his first comment was, everything looks smaller than i remember. goo goo, gaga. uh. >> while visiting kenya he joined a line dance at a state dinner the name of the line dance? i give zero (bleep) shuffle. and in the wake of a movie theatre shooting rick perry says the answer is to bring guns to the movies. leaving just one question on everyone's minds. what is on