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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 3, 2015 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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malory: what? archer, lana: pam! pam: ha! from come comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: oh, welcome to the daily show! i'm jon stewart. boom! my guest tonight, amy schumer! amy schumer is going to be here. i forgot-- let's begin tonight, we're very excited because we've got good news. the california drought is over because last week a special group in california made it rain! >> big stop on the money trail in the race for the white house. the koch brothers hosted five candidates over the
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weekend at a business conference in southernical call. >> they're spending their time pitching to what's been called the koch primary. >> jon: the koch primary? (laughter) the koch brothers have pledged to give almost a billion dollars to buy the next election. meaning five of the top republican can the das were happy to come on down for a chance to done el some koch. no, ted cruz, carlee fiorina, scott walker, jeb bush and marco rubio, worked the talking points and cradled the special interests in the hopes of one of them after a period of what minutes to an hour would induce the money shop. and really, they didn't care which koch went off. to be fair though, that's not really why they were there. >> in the end, money doesn't win elections. ideas do. i wish the whole world could see what goes on here.
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(laughter) >> jon: oh, i think we see it. and i think it looks a little something like this. (laughter) (applause) you know, i wonder, i wonder what wry commentary the spider whoive wills above the pig would have if his rather corrupting picture-- oh my god, oh, she couldn't take it. charlotte! oh sweet charlotte! you were supposed to die of natural causes, you know, under a shoe or-- at the business end of a rolled up news magazine. but the governor from wisconsin makes a good point. though the world should-- see what goes on at these conferences, why hasn't the world been more aware of what goes on at koch events? >> freedom partners founded
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by the koch brothers normally conducts its summer conference in secrecy. this year it's a little different. they are letting us listen to some of the gop candidates. >> jon: ooh, yes, nothing says freedom partners like occasionally, partially pulling back the veil of secret presidential forums. you know, i felt the same way when i was invited to cover the american liberty patriot conference. i just said-- yeah, there you go. (laughter) dark, quiet, fed me through my anus. of course we all know freedom has its limits. when one of the actual koch brothers spoke tow forum, that was embargoed and not allowed to be filmed because freedom. (laughter) >> saul koch one of the koch brothers said and i want to read the quote here talking directed to this i:. we're headed towards a two-tiered society, destroying opportunities for the disadvantaged and creating welfare for the rich.
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>> jon: wait, the billionaire leader of the secret political machine warned a two-tiered society where we're-- i get it. she's reading the wrong tone. it actually went like this. people, we're headed to a two-tiered society! that's destroying tune for the disadvantaged and creating welfare for the rip! congratulations! you did it! we did it! we did it! (cheers and applause) so a tiny number of people have a disproportionate say on who governs the rest of us. i may not like t you may in the like it but at this point the billionaire patronage election process is an accepted picture of our electoral procedure. >> almost every one of the primary candidates has a billionaire at his back, which means the life of their candidacies is now divorced from their ability to directly raise money for voters. >> jon: finally! a democratic system that removes a connection between
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elections and voters. (laughter) our politicians will no longer be beholden to big citizens. (laughter) simple time management. you can spend all your time collecting $2 from millions of people or a little time collecting billions of dollars from one guy. by the way, these are very -- times. >> this organization is supported by people of great accomplishment, and intellect. >> david and charles have kind of harnessed that frustration and said instead of just being angry about it, let's do something about it. >> i'm honored to be here, truly honored to be here, i appreciated the invitation. >> the men and women in this room spilled gallons of blood, spent their fortunes retaking the senate. >> you since have met the real david koch, what is he like. >> he is sitting right there. but even david, if you weren't there, i would say good things. (laughter)
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: you see, these candidate goes out to a billionaire conference begging for money. they wind up looking like a bunch of puppies. try finding a republican candidate without will tell you that. >> donald trump tweeting out i wish good luck to all of the republican candidates that traveled to california to beg for money, et cetera, from the koch brothers. puppets. question mark. (cheers and applause) >> jon: who is this trump fella? i like the cut of his jib. we'll have to look into that. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) look at us... ...a nation of checkers. missing this moment...
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they put everything in here. so, what made you switch to taco bell's a.m. crunchwrap? there's like eggs, cheese, bacon. a hashbrown in the a.m. crunchwrap. that looks really good right now. i'm anita. i'm lonita. and i am a breakfast defector. [bong] (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back to the program. i am going to talk about my weekend. is with going to talk about pie weekend. i got home from church around 3:00. or you know, whatever time it is that churches let out and my kids were in the tv room watching fox news because-- cuz, you know, i don't have time to teach them morality. and i walked in on this. >> jon stewart secret meetings with president obama. >> tries to explain away his bro-man's with a bama.
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>> does this dent his haloa bit? he has become more and more and more a tool, really, of the obama administration. >> it looks like he's getting-- like everybody else. >> if you serve a politician idea logical agenda, you are a propagandist. >> jon: hey, they're talking about me! (cheers and applause) >> jon: this it so exciting. i'm going to be famous! (laughter) hey, you know, one thing i saw in that whole report there is they didn't seem to support their assertions with evidence. (laughter) you like to nail me as a propagandist. you could have just shown a clip of me shamelessly pimping for some signature policy like obamacare. >> we're going to do a challenge. i'm going to try and download every moviever made, and you're going to try and
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sign up for obamacare and we'll see which happens first. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i won't miss me. (laughter) a bit of a dick. but okay, that one didn't work out. but to your point of me being an administration stooge, maybe you could have done this, okay, demonstrate my consistent suck upitude with the president that is a way to make your case, that is a way to do it. >> jon stewart making president obama over the libyan assassination situation. >> sebelius went on jon stewart, got drilled jon stewart grilling nancy ples pelosi. >> jon stewart mocking the obama re-election. >> jon stewart goes sour on president obama. >> even jon stewart has been hammering at this. >> even jon ste wrt. >> jon stewart want after president obama.
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>> even daily show host stewart. >> even comedy central's jon stewart. >> if he has lost jon stewart-- i'm just saying. >> jon: what? what are you saying? what happened! (cheers and applause) lost jon stewart. by the way, how often does a dude have to criticize the president before his name legally changes from even jon stewart to unsurprisingly jon stewart. (laughter) all right. none of that stuff worked in proving it, but that's not the end of your search here, howard and other guy whose name escapes me on the show. here's what you could have done, okay. to prove improper collusion, find a memo from me to the president giving the president advice about my area of expertise, communications. like me advising him that americans will only be patient with the war on terror if they are convinced the president is using the harshest measures possible. that wasn't me, all right.
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i'm sorry, that was fox news chairman roger ailes to president bush. i'm sorry. no-- that is the balance part. i should have watched rehearsalment i-- over and over again, i wrongly believe that i am helping howard kurtz with his case against me and yet i apparently seem to be doing the opposite. i have got one. oh, this one, is going to blow your mother [bleep] mind. this one! this one, fox, this one is going to make your case dead to rights. okay. imagine me on air being taught by a democratic op rattive as to the proper way to frame an important issue, not to clarify that issue, but to give it a decidedly advantageous partisan spin, this will be good. >> you call it a public option. the american people would say if you called it the government option, the public is overwhelmingly against it. >> you know what, it's a great point and from now on i will call it the government option.
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>> jon: all right, no, no, wait. okay, that's [bleep] up, that guy is a tool, that doesn't matter. all right. it's not like anybody in a position of editorial or moral authority at fox was caught in this damning political collusion by an as future media critic. >> bill sammon fox's vice president and washington managing editor issued a memo telling the troops let's not slip back into calling it the public option. please use the term government run health insurance or when brevity is a concern, government option whenever possible. >> jon: . >> and the troops fell into line. >> jon: [bleep] i'm just playing around with you guys. your hypocrisy isn't a bug in the fox model, it is the feature. your job is to discredit any source of criticism that might hurt the conservative brand, by angrily holding them to standards you yourselves jettisoned in
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your news network's mission statement. but i would be happy to listen if you make an actual argument. my hunch is this show has been harder on the obama administration and this president per capital that-- per capita than you ever were in your eight years of bush finger banging. though, i imagine you won't get around to verifying that since you are probably still working on getting back to us about those fox lies-- 50 fox lies in six seconds we talked up awhile ago. oh. and one more question, how the mother [bleep] case -- adduous, mother [bleep]! whooo! boom, boom -- >> jon, jon! >> jon: what's that? what? >> jon, we have three more shows left. >> jon: [bleep] hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: well company back, my guest tonight, very fond of her. the star of amy schumer on comedy central and her new movie is called train wreck. >> oh my god, he's calling. >> why would he call you, you just had sex. >> it's probably a mistake. >> he's butt dialing you. >> hello? >> hey, there. >> this is amy. i think you butt dialed me. >> no, no, i dialed you with my finger. >> shhh. >> he called mes on purpose. >> hang up, he is obviously sick or something. >> yeah, what's up. >> i was calling to say i had a really good time last night. i was wondering if you wanted to hang out again. >> will you say that again please? >> i was wondering if i
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could see you again. >> you know what, i'm going to call the police. (laughter) swrz please welcome amy schumer. (cheers and applause) jrz is with trying to goad them. >> i can't believe it. >> jon: i was goading them. >> that was [bleep] awesome. >> jon: it was fun. >> we were going nuts in the green room. >> jon: we have a nice show here, we do it almost every day, four days a week. >> i can't believe i'm here, your last week.
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thank you. >> jon: thank you. and you know, let me tell you what happened. and i feel like i can open up to you. >> okay, this didn't leave this room. >> jon: i've been banging it out 22 minutes a night, four days a week, and i don't think anybody can keep up that kind of pace. >> no. lev laugh. >> jon: it is wonderful to see you here. your movie is ridiculous. you know, you and i talked about, you know, i feel like your comedy is informed, it comes from a place of real intention and a show like this would have been so good for you but i hadn't seen your movie at that point. [bleep] a. boy, did you make the right-- you're like an actress star [bleep] what? >> what? >> jon: you know that. you killed it, you killed it. >> jon! >> jon: no. >> no. >> jon: put it on the poster. i do want to talk b and obviously, you know, this is a horrible thing but when you, this movie is amazing
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and what a great experience for you. but this crazy shooting that happened. that must have rocked you to your core. >> man, what a bummer. i was, like legit heartbroken. just to get that news. i got a call. and i had a lot of missed calls so i assumed there was a sex tape of me out or something. >> jon: right. >> and then, and i was kind of preparing for that and i was like, and then to hear that news, it broke my heart. >> jon: definitely. >> it was so horrible. i did a press conference this morning with senator schumer who i'm related to. give it up for chuck. (applause) >> jon: and yeah, it's like, it was like-- . >> jon: and this has drawn you in now. because i know theres with a woman from san diego who had reached out to you to say hey, is there any way you could maybe take up some of this. and you reached back out to her and say. >> i'm on it girl, yeah. the second this happened, you know, you want to act. i wanted to go down there and do whatever i could. and so yeah, this has been in the works. and i was so happy he
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invited me to be a part of it. >> jon: i wish you well. >> thanks. >> jon: in the whole endeavor. but this, for you, life say bit of a rocket ship right now, i would assume. my children, certainly, walking around the house singing milk milk lemonade. around the corner-- (laughter) >> jon: fudge is made. >> you know that is a euphemism. >> jon: i don't understand. but what's the-- are you in the stratosphere now, i see a picture of you and like jennifer lawrence. what is your -- >> oh, god, don't even start. all my celeb friends. no, she is, first of all, i love-- she's been on here, she is the coolest chick you will ever meet. >> jon: yes, i was not intimidated. >> no. she wound up, i was on once a year i go away with all my girlfriends from high school. we went to the hamptons because they wouldn't let us go back to martha's vineyard. like no one would rent us a house. >> jon: you got thrown out of martha's vin-yard. >> off the whole island.
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(laughter) >> jon: holy [bleep]. the kennedies ran rough shod over that thing for like 50 years. >> that's what i said, that's what i said. >> jon: what did you guys do? >> none of your business! like-- oh my gosh. >> jon: i am a sorry, i forgot, i forgot. >> like back off. but so we go to the hamptons and jennifer and i and some friends. i was like oh we're going on a boat tomorrow, you should come. and she was lake, it was kind of a hypothetical. and she was like i think i'm coming. and i was like oh my god. so i filmed a video of my friends telling them that jennifer lawrence, they are all like nurses and teachers. i said jennifer lawrence is coming on a boat with us tomorrow. so they are all screaming. and then we wound up going jet skiing and i was like i'll drive. i've got this and she was like no, i'm hunger games. >> jon: were you like back-to-back, she is on, you are on. >> yeah. do you want me to talk about her. >> jon: no, no, i love this-- talk louder?
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>> we put in all these pictures. >> jon: but you know what that is? >> what. >> jon: that is the next moviest poster. >> that's it. >> jon: tell me that is not a cop movie. >> but it became, its with a complete viral thing. and i am-- so then it's my picture, next to jennifer lawrence, the last person you want to be next to. and all the pictures we took of us, i looked lake her coach in all the pictures. i was like i'm telling her to take a knee, i'm like listen, jen! i think you have another picture, do you have another picture, because-- i am-- like i just lack like her-- (applause) >> like i'm coaching her. i thought the one time i have gotten paparazzi other than one time when they thought i was adele-- i have never been, so i go, i went stand up paddle boarding, okay, some people saw this picture, i hear. no idea, no one has ever
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taken a picture of me on purpose. and you know, that body language if you are stand up paddle boarding is just like, if are you a newly homeless person taking like a stand-up dump, you know, you're just kind of like-- right, if you are new york-- . >> jon: i believe that's how they sell it. >> that's it. and so when these pictures came out, like i didn't even recognize myself. i was like oh my god, alfred hitchcock is alive and loves water sports. like i didn't even-- all of the magazines. how cool swrz was it in a magazine and you were like, so just like they take dumps standing up, like that. >> everyone is at just me dropping heat skrzs this's awesome. (laughter) >> jon: you're awesome. train wreck is in the theaters now. young amy schumer, thank you. ♪ we call ourselves the freedom hikers. the turtle cove fin club.
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>> larry: tonightly, jim gilmore is running for president. and here's where i read your minds because you all just thought, who the (bleep) is jim gilmore? joe biden butz out his feelers for a presidential run. it's the first time in years his feelers have actually been used appropriately. and the boy scouts of america finally ends its ban on gay scout leaders. great. so it's a big year for gays who like to tie knots. >> time for the nightly show. let's do