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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  August 3, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> larry: tonightly, jim gilmore is running for president. and here's where i read your minds because you all just thought, who the (bleep) is jim gilmore? joe biden butz out his feelers for a presidential run. it's the first time in years his feelers have actually been used appropriately. and the boy scouts of america finally ends its ban on gay scout leaders. great. so it's a big year for gays who like to tie knots. >> time for the nightly show. let's do this!
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captioning sponsored by comedy central [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: oh man. welcome to the nightly show. such a good audience. i am larry wilmore and man i am so excited you guys. i am so excited. you know what i am talking about. we are a couple of days away from the first gop debate which means it's time to check in on what is happening with the unblackening. >> okay. let's take a look at the newest candidate who is trying to denegrofy the white house. >> former virginia governor jim gilmore is the newest contender in the republican presidential
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sweepstakes. >> sweep sweepstakes is right. jim gilmore has a bigger chance of winning the hunger games than winning the presidential election. right? [cheers and applause] >> larry: now, if you wondering who jim gilmore is, you are not alone. >> i would not want to sugarcoat it. we asked people for their questions today. and a lot of them were why? some of them were, who? >> larry: but most of them were wuuuuuuuut? >> wuuuuuuuut? >> larry: okay. so you were a governor blah, blah, blah you think you are the one who can save the country, whatever, whatever just give me something else i haven't heard from those other 16 candidates, anything. >> i am a united states army intelligence veteran. >> larry: oh. intelligence veteran. so the thing you have to offer that's different from the rest of the republican candidates is intelligence.
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hmm. [ applause ] >> larry: you are separating yourself from the pack. well, this is awesome man, gilmore is the first 007 presidential candidate and bio07 i mean he has only .007 percentage in the poll. [ applause ] >> larry: oh, speaking of espionage, louisiana governor and top secret bobby jindal continues his fight to be unknown by campaigning in an undisclosed location in north america. >> seriously has anybody seen bobby jindal since he announced? jim gilmore intelligence? turning away from the world of intelligence, donald trump, now,. >> who continues to remain steady at the top of the polls. all right. so what's the latest crazy?
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>> sadly because president obama has done such a poor job as president you won't see another black president for generations. what did you mean by that? >> yeah what did you mean by that? >> well, i think he has been a very poor president. i think he has done a very poor job as president. >> larry: uh-huh. uh-huh. so what you are saying is every black person gets penalized for one black person's actions? do i really have to explain prejudice 101 to you? >> by your logic i should stop going to the dentist because they all kill lions. instead of the real reason why i stopped, which is because they all have a conspiracy to inject black people with government killing juice. hashtag gkj, look it up. >> for the sake of argument let's assume obama has done a poor job, you are telling me obama's poor presidency
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disqualifies an entire race but george w. bush's poor presidency doesn't even disqualify his immediate family? [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: okay. okay. all right. okay. the other really big campaign news came from a marine, maureen dowd piece in "the new york times" that joe biden is considering running for the president. wow. there is huge that could really shake up the whole democratic race. he could be the first realistic challenge to hillary's so-called coronation. >> so for more on this we thought we would check in with someone from hillary's campaign. please welcome clinton campaign official carlos jordanson. >> thank you larry, i am happy to report all is well at clinton campaign headquarters. >> larry: okay. great. so hillary is not upset that joe biden may run? >> not at all. >> no! no! no! no! no! >> larry: oh what was that?
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>> huh. i didn't hear anything. >> we believe the more candidates the merrier. >> joe biden can rot in hell! >> larry: oh, my god. did somebody just throw a glass? >> everything is business as usual over here. look, hillary welcomes biden as a mental sparring partner, a competitor in the marketplace of ideas will only make her stronger. >> if he runs i will rip-off his head and use his dead body to make a new pantsuit. >> larry: oh, my god, was that a death threat and a pantsuit? >> the patent suit is kind of a metaphor hillary is looking for now, like america, stylish, practical and you can get business done in it. >> she will be throwing out a lot of metaphors as we get closer to the election. >> larry: so she is not feeling like this could be a betrayal or anything like that? >> not in the least hillary's dealt with tougher challenges than this. she will handle this with grace
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and ease. besides joe and she are close. he just sent her a beautiful boquet of flowers. >> ah! >> that would be them. >> help me! >> larry: good luck with that. carlos jordanson, everybody. we will be right back.
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equality because the scouts have finally earned their letting people in based on actual merit badge. >> that is pretty good. and this comes two years after the group lifted the ban on gay scouts. this is great. so this applies to all scout units, right? >> the organization says church based units will still be allowed to exclude gay adults. >> larry: hmm. okay. that's a little disappointing, but what can you expect from a group that considers a tarp the height of technology? right? and the boy scouts have a lot of religious units so i get it i mean it's a little bit of throw up in our mouths but, you know we are not going to choke on it. okay. all is good, time to fire up the literal fire, right? >> despite that compromise the church of latter day saints says it's deeply troubled by the new policy and is considering actually separating from the scouts. >> for jesus christ christchurch church sake mormons.
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>> you're deeply troubled by this? i am deeply troubled by the you only decided black men could be priests in 1978. well, at least the boy scouts are on the right track. here is the good news, i think the boy scouts are on the right track and if 105-year-old institution designed to teach boys how to survive in 1,700s can bring its policies into the 21st century that's a good move. okay. here to talk more about this issue is boy scout expert matteo lane, matteo thanks for being here. >> so what is it like being in the boy scouts in this day and age? >> oh i am not a boy scout. >> larry: oh. i am sorry. because you are dressed like one. >> oh, sure. but that's because i am going out to a bunch of gay clubs later and this outfit gets me a ton of peen. >> larry: okay. a ton of peen. >> peen.
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>> larry: oh, i am sorry. peen. >> that's right, larry. and there is nothing gayer than the boy scouts. >> larry: what are you talking about? the boy scouts only just starting allowing gay scout leaders. >> larry there is an orcs that has men go out into the woods to camp, swim and cook together all while wearing full neckerchiefs unironically. >> larry: sure. >> it's like a lady gaga video only gayer. >> larry: wow. >> and this is not about allowing gay scout leaders. the boy scouts of america organization itself needs to come out of the closet. >> larry: wait, hold on, just because an organization promotes those activities with men it doesn't necessarily mean it's gay. >> larry wake up and smell the richly brewed coffee carefully prepared by an overly fussy scout leader that's way better than it has any right to be.
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it sounds like some very good coffee. >> marvelous and there are tons of signs that should make it super obvious. do you know what the highest level of boy scouts of america adult leadership training badge is called? >> larry: no. what is it? >> the wood badge larry. >> larry: really? is that true? >> oh, yes. and if you didn't know, wood is a synonym for boner. >> larry: actually, i did know that it just sounds like you are generalizing the things that gay guys like. >> oh, i amgen liesing. >> larry: yeah. >> kind of like the mormons do. >> larry: okay. fair enough. i get it, but what about the boy scout oath which calls on the scouts to quote keep myself physically strong mentally awake and morally straight. >> larry, that is the gayest part of the scouts. >> larry: how is that possible? >> oh straight, it is the classic gay misdirect. you know, it is like the more a
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politician goes off against gay rights, the more you know he gets off to liam hemsworth. ha ha, ha. oh god! >> zing! >> larry: that is an amazing zing, by the way. very good. >> zing! [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: okay. all right. but isn't it possible that they just really don't like gays? >> oh, i never thought of that. i mean, i guess it is possible, larry. but when you really break it down, neckerchiefs don't lie. >> larry: that is a good point. matteo lane, everybody. we will be right back!
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>> larry: okay. welcome back, i am here with my panel. comedian and show runner here at the nightly show, rory albanese. you can see him in the upcoming tv show tribeca and the movie barber shop 3, deon cole. and her new show, difficult people premiers this wednesday on lulu, julie klausner. [ applause ] >> larry: let's get right to it. there are about 43 republican candidates right now, and it is like five democratic ones and like three are in the witness protection program. >> it is like a real housewives reunion but with more fake hair. >> larry: yes. exactly. >> and now biden is like, well people are saying he might run. >> it seems pretty plausible. do you think he has a chance? >> to win or run? >> well, i think he has a chance to run. >> larry: do you think he has
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a chance to win. >> hillary won't give anyone else a chance to win. >> that's that's not how democracy works. >> no she will be the next president or take america down with her. these the only choice. you have one choice. she will -- she will sink this boat. >> women and children first. >> exactly. >> and hillary gets on lifeboat of course. >> larry: what do you think? >> i. >> it is so easy. i never realized how easy it is to be president. >> larry: it is. >> it is very easy. it is very easy. >> to run to be president. >> you mean he decided -- >> all you have to do is be in america. it is hard to get in the olympics. >> larry: that's true. yes, you are right. >> you have to have accomplished something. >> you have to have accomplished something. >> and biden has more of a chance than he used to, it is like a uncle that went to rehab, hey, can i have a beer? let's
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try it out and let's invite him to a party. >> just don't leave him with the kids alone. >> biden, it doesn't seem like he gets penalized for any of his eccentricities let's say but hillary has to say in this very narrow lane, you know,. >> that's because hillary can't win honestly and -- >> larry: she can or can't win? >> the second one. if she were more fun loving, then people would criticize her for being serious because he is serious she is trying to give the impression she would be the leader of the free world is they want her to be playing the ukulele. >> >> larry: like new girl. >> i mean, she would be fantastic. >> i do think because he is a woman like she is put much more in at that box, what she wears. >> absolutely but that is what it is when you have to like break the glass ceiling you have to be the first person to deal with bull (bleep).
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>> obviously she needs to loosen up a little bit. >> like joe biden, he is super loose. >> larry: biden is a little too loose. >> like i can go out with biden and go pick up some smos. >> yes -- >> larry: hold on a second. so that's what you find an appealing quality in a presidential candidate? >> did you not hear -- >> this is america. >> larry: i love that idea. >> yeah i would like to add -- >> take the fun knob up a notch and do karaoke, like do a heart song. >> i would like to hear that. >> larry: it is like pick a heart song. >> there is always going to be -- >> now so you have biden kind of let's call it goof fins or whatever and then you have trump's goof fins which is different. >> i feel like we laugh at biden like oh he did that or said that, but trump, it is like oh he said that.
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>> i know it is like one beer in and off his meds. [ cheers and applause ] >> but i feel like -- i think that is what makes trump so awesome is because in the beginning i was like you, just because i work here oh this will be easy for writing jokes you know what i mean? and lately -- >> like with biden it is like a puddle of -- >> you know like funny stuff. >> i like foghorn leghorn but i don't want to vote for him. >> larry: 0 foghorn leghorn -- >> it is like, i said yes, i said yes. >> now, folks i said, folks. >> you know -- >> trump is speaking without a filter -- >> the thing about that, what is appealing for me i feel like the
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system is so broken in washington that a guy like trump may just destroy it and that would be a good thing, you know what i mean? >> then we can reboot. >> biden could get. >> it is like getting a new cellphone and dropping it in the toilet. >> it is like control alt delete for dc. >> we talk about, he really is kind of like a hip-hop candidate, i tell you what, here is the thing he says whatever the (bleep) he is he he thinking, he doesn't care, he has beats with everybody. he has blink and proudly. >> bling and proudly showing it. >> he has hos. >> yes, he has hos. >> but you think -- he doesn't give a (bleep). >> he is not even preparing for this debate. >> he was in england for a golf tournament, it is like (bleep). right? i think there is
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something about the average american likes and it drives us (bleep)ing crazy. >> this is america! >> i know. it is like the bachelorette is over -- we want more dumb dumb dudes on tv. >> it is not like everyone else is so smart, it is like he represents a lot more because politicians are supposed to be representatives of the people and what is more representative of us than not just giving a (bleep). >> it is more than that -- >> i am not going to prepare. >> one you do drugs with and the other you do drugs to tolerate. >> larry: there you go. i love, people like chris christie or the so-called truth tellers, you know, sort of like i am telling it like it is. trump makes them -- because he exposes that kind of careful political speak where it looks like they are railing against the system. but with trump, when trump says it he really means it.
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>> it is like taking a dump with the door open. what are you going to do? that's what men do. [ cheers and applause ] >> >> larry: okay. the if you are a presidential candidate how do you even prepare for this debate? how would you prepare? what would you do? you are going against trump. >> if i am going against trump, i would have a few jewish comedians behind me. joke, joke, joke, joke joke. >> what do you do? >> i was preparing for a debate with trump i would instead of avoiding eye contact with the guy on the subway who calls me red devil jewish bitch, i would be like -- i would be like not the case, and here is why. in other words, i would engage with a lunatic. >> larry: that sound good. >> i think that in a debate it is going to come down to him
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saying crazy (bleep) and just challenge him on basic human knowledge like when is the last time trump like bought a gallon of milk or anything a human does. >> larry: that's how you would prepare. >> absolutely anything he said because you can't -- because he is just going to do this. how would you handle this? i would hire the best people. like this se never going to yield to you, so you just have to say something i have a question for mr. trump like how much do shoes cost? you know what i mean? it is like -- ah. >> shoes cost $5,000 everybody knows that. >> larry: we will be right back right after this. >> grab tickets in an upcoming taping of the nightly show monday through thursday, gieght to the ♪ ♪ ♪
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