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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  August 5, 2015 1:36am-2:10am PDT

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i'm not going to lie to ya, stings a little bit. but the book is called do unto animals. it's not out right now, but when it comes out, i'm not going to have a show, and holding it up at home from what i understand doesn't do (bleep). so you can pre-order it or, better yet, maybe head down to your local book store, maybe your independent book store ask them to order it for you. it's a remarkable, heartfelt, funny. jane goodall says nice things about it! so i hope you do that. all the proceeds go to farm sanctuary which is a wonderful organization that rescues farm animals and give them the type of life these individuals deserve. so "do unto animals" get your copy now. here it is, your moment of zen. >> donnell has lots of skills and talents that made h him and meme around him wealthy. that's a great thing. it's not necessarily the same
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skills transferable to governing. so you need to understand how you have to >> larry: tonightly, democrats block a senate vote to defund planned parenthood. i never thought i'd say this but, hey, congress, congrats on doing absolutely nothing. . it worked. in is the eighth time in eight years that republicans have tried to defund planned parenthood. eight times in eight years? don't these people know the rhythm method doesn't work? and a new york law bans toy guns in realistic looking colors such as black. fine by me, just as long as they don't extend that law to include talk show hosts! time to lock and load, this is the nightly
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show! [ cheers and applause captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: whoa. you can feel it tonight, man. what a great audience tonight. thank you very much. i think it is so nice of you. i am so happy my name is larry because that chant worked. welcome to the nightly show. i am larry wilmore. man we have got a lot to talk about tonight. now, right now planned parenthood is under attack, like meek mill on a drake diss track. all right? you know what i am saying? here is the latest.
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a. on capitol hill the senate blocked a republican effort to shut off federal funds for planned parenthood. >> larry: another failed attempt to defund planned parenthood by the right? this is the eighth vote to defund them in eight years. two more and they get a free breast exam taken away from a low-income woman. a. just let that one marinate for a little. all right. so what is the gop's latest defunding excuse? a. the uproar was triggered by videos that showed planned parenthood staffers talking about selling fetal body parts and tissue donated by women who had abortions. planned parenthood claims they were talking about reimbursements for tissue storage and transport. a. okay. so they are being accused of selling body parts from abortion and they are claiming they are not, they are only being ream reimbursed for costs and the the center for medical progress, the most ironically named group since the isis
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center for women's literacy -- thank you -- says planned parenthood is profiting off of fetal tissue donation. all right. so let's watch the videos. what i want to know is what would work for you? don't low ball it. tell me what you really -- a. seventy-five dollars a specimen. a. okay. well that sounds bad, but what does planned parenthood say about this? are they trying to make a profit? a. it is absolutely illegal to make any profit and we do not. planned parenthood makes zero profit on any fetal tissue donations. >> larry: all right. well somebody is lying. all right? i will tell you what. i think i need to know what fetal tissue donation is used for. i mean, why would people buy baby body parts? i mean it must be something horrible right? like decorations or accessories right? it has to be something, otherwise why would anybody go undercover to make a video about it unless it was for something
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bad? a. using tissue specimen have been very helpful in research, alzheimer's disease hiv, other diseases. nih funded 160 different projects that used competent tall tissue to research treatments from everything from hiv to glaucoma. >> larry: oh, that sounds like a good reason:i think i know who's lying. a. well, it seems like the fight over profiting is taking attention away from what these are actually used for. so context really does matter when it comes to planned parenthood videos. just like context matters for that text you sent last night. a. all right. it matters right? we have all been there. but i guess it. but it's hard to defend planned parenthood because it requires context and nuance and a command of the facts. something that is very hard to do when you are on fox
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news. a. but give ate try anyway, juan williams. a. if they had showed anything illegal -- a. the people who oppose -- juan, seriously something's seriously wrong. a. you have to get a checkup or something. a. that's why planned parenthood tried to get these videos thrown out by a judge who's an obama butler by the way. a. actually, juan can't even get a full sentence in. i mean, they are reacting emotionally to the video which i understand, but they are losing the point. i mean, they are acting like juan williams is starting a sentence with i hate puppies but they won't let him finish when they are not around. let me finish you guys. let me finish! a. oh. that's it. that's why i am calling this planned parenthood attack for exactly what it is, it is a pap smear campaign. it is. i am sorry
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but it is. that is exactly what it is. and in a pap smear campaign people don't care about facts. these attacks don't seems to be revealing any inactivity instead they are reveling in shaming women, their health practitioners and doctors it's asthma nip latif, infur uh 88 and sadly predictable as the love triangle on orange is the new black. now the defunding vote failed last night, but i want to know, how much government funding does planned parenthood get anyway. a. planned parenthood received $528 million last year from the government. a. 528 million? well how much of that is going to abortions. like 527. a. i mean because that's what it seems like from what they are saying. so that 500 million goes to mammogram services it goes to contraceptive services it cannot go towards abortion. a. oh, right federal funds
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don't go to abortion and abortions only comprise three percent of planned parenthood's health services. a. now admittedly they do get funding from those three percent of services from the james p abortion i heart abortions alliance for a better abortion foundation. which is on my bumper sticker. but the other 97 percent goes to women's health services like contraception, std testing, and cancer screening, so i don't understand. do these conservative groups at think women will go in for a cancer screening and come out with an abortion? that's like the boston bait and switch ever. it doesn't even make sense. let's be honest about this. for many low-income women, planned parent mood is one of the only resources to get health services, and even though this vote failed yesterday the attempt to get rid of sit only going to continue. i think the republican candidates can say it a little better. . there is simply no justification anymore for federal funding of planned
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parenthood. a. defund planned parenthood. i have been fighting to defund planned parenthood. a. i am not sure we need half a billion dollars for women's health issues. >> larry: you are right? a. we need more. than half a million. gosh. if you get rid of planned parenthood you will be stranding millions of women without healthcare. so where will these millions of women go. a. we will be fine, larry. ho is that. >> larry: oh it's holly? a. are you in a starbucks bathroom? yep. a. there is where i am getting my pap now a nice homeless man said he would do it for a man difficult and half a banana
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whoa whoa, holly no no. that is insane. you need to see a real doctor. well too late, captain after the procedure. >> larry: sorry. a. i didn't know larry is right you should have gotten yours done here. oh. >> oh, my god, it is robin. are you in the subway? >>subway? yep? a. clean green i like to call it. >> larry: there is nothing clean about that. i don't think you thought this through. >> thinking has nothing to do with this larry. >> defund planned parenthood and you take what you can get. plus i am getting a pap smear practically every time i take the rush hour train. >> larry: and robin, who would even personal this on the subway. >> those guysbwo dance on the subway. it is show time!
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>> larry: robin. i don't think they are that talented. that doesn't make sense. >> holly robin you have it all wrong. >> larry: mike, wait, is that mike? what are you doing mike? >> larry:. >> i am smearing with solidarity. >> larry: oh my god. >> i am sorry, mike but that is not right at all. >> defunding planned parenthood is not right. >> larry: that's true. are you going to get a pap smear. >> if you take away women's health services you better be. that's right, lady. >> larry: holly and robin thank you,
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state of new york >> we had six threen people shot in new york because law enforcement officers thought the toy gun was a real gun. >> so today new york attorney eric schneiderman reaching a landmark settlement with some of the country's biggest retailers fining them for selling toy guns that look real and getting them to agree to stop selling them statewide. >> larry: okay. here is, here is what i worry about. santa. you know, you know that guy is carrying thousands of toy guns in his sleigh. just a matter of time before homeland security overreacts. >> larry: i am just saying. santa is not really gone you guys. he is not really gone. all right. so what are we talking about exactly? so this is the kind of toy gun that meets current federal standards. it has the little tip there. right? and this is what
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companies would be able to sell in new york under this new agreement. you can see, of course if you black, the police will shoot you even if you holding a subway sandwich. so this really -- yes. really only applies to the white kids. now, guns are very complicated issue and i think it is important to talk to an spent, expert about this, so please welcome toy gun. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: so welcome to the show, toy gun. so what do you think about new york state's new requirements that toy guns be brightly colored so as not to be confused with real guns. >> bull (bleep), larry. i mean look at me, i look like a clown. >> larry: well, i don't know, toy gun you look kind of fun to me. i think the bright colors look good on you, man. you really look like a toy. >> do you want to look like a toy larry? kids used to play with me because i was dangerous and fierce. you know what i do now? i spit bubbles. >> larry: sorry to hear that
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but actually that sound kinds of fun. i love bubbles. >> you know what? why don't you (bleep) yourself larry. >> larry: what does that mean? you are part of the problem. it is part of kids using their imagination playing with something dangerous. where is the imagination in blowing bubbles larry? >> larry: okay. imagining what that bubble could be? i wish i could shoot you in the face right now, larry. >> larry: toy gun! >> you know what, i can't, i can't because i am a punk ass bubble blowing fun toy. >> larry: you are very hostile. >> and no one is afraid of me. and nobody is going to get killed because you look real. isn't that the point here? i guess. that's another thing we can thank osama for, right? whatever, larry i have to get out of here i am meeting with my prepared toy knife you know what he does now. >> larry: no what does he do now? he is barbie's surf board. >> larry: of course he is. does he blow bubbles too. >> go to hell, larry. >> larry: toy gun, everybody.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> larry: welcome back. the nightly show contributor mike yard. and you can see my next two hilarious guests from the usa comedy playing house, second season premiering tonight, lennon parham and jessica st. clair. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: yes. very well deserved.
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now, i have to get your take on this thing. we are talking about lady's issues. the article in "the new york times", we actually talked about this a few years agoing. >> yeahing. >> we have this huge discussion. you hearing of bitchy resting face. >> right. >> they say rbf, resting bitch face but i think that is improper because it is not like your bitch face is resting. >> it is that your resting face looks a little a little bitchy. >> yes and you two have it. >> larry: i have a judgmental resting face. >> what is the difference between judgmental and bitchcally is a fine line. >> larry: this is judgmental. >> yeah. >> larry: you see. you feel judged. >> and there is bitchy. >> larry: there you go. see. >> what did you say to me? >> larry: now let's show some pictures of some stars they have. yes. okay. there are a few. >> yes. >> larry: those supposedly are all bitchy resting facing. >> mike --ing. >> i don't know. this is the first -- we brought
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that up as the first time i have heard of it. i must have it too because i get the same comments that women get. i am looking so mad. >> larry: no no. brothers have angry resting faces. >> yeah, everybody -- i don't think i look angry. i have been looking at my face a long time. i don't think i look angrying. >> i think you look very pleasant. there is an argument on the nightly show facebook page about how angry mike looks. >> see, now you look angry. >> larry: why are you so angry about this, mike? why are are you so angry. >> what do you mean? i don't look angry. do i look angry? >> larry: yes. you really look angry. [ cheers and applause ing. >> look how happy i aming. >> and why is this thrown at women that they have to have a bitchy resting facing. >> this one deserves it because she looks cold as ice. >> that is where my power lives, though. if you know how i feel about you, then what do i have? you know what i mean? if you are
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worried that i like you or if you think maybe i hate your guts. >> larry: i am off balancing. >> yeah, and i have the power. i have the power. >> larry:ing. >> oh, (bleep)ing. >> i have heard that said. i am her best friend in the world. >> she doesn't always know how i feel about herring. >> i don't. and that is okaying. >> it is important how she feels about herself. >> i don't. i am like a rescue schnauzer, like an old like matted schnauzer you got at the pound and just want to be loved. >> larry: your resting face --ing. >> like this. >> larry: yeah. >> that is kind of crazing. >> and you need to work on the resting face. >> larry: i know. it gets thrown at hillary a lot because people try to describe that to her she has a bitchy resting face. but one thing about john kerrying. >> let's show hillary. there you go. >> (bleep).
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ing. >> that is a bitchy resting face .ing. >> but i heard that about kerrying. >> yes. and joe biden. >> he has got the pearly whites. >> you know what i mean? he is always smiling. it works for me. >> larry: he has a goofy resting facing. >> what i think it is. i think the man -- >> larry: there goes the man againing. >> to make him feel more comfortable around you. it is not about you. it is about how she feels. we don't know how to take it so it is like i need you to fix your face because i don't know what to do with it. >> larry: i think essentially secretly, men, if you disagree, you are lying because every guy wants to think there is at least a microchance they can have sex with any woman, right. >> it's trueing. >> don't even say it is not true. it is absolutely -- >> they give you a bitchy
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resting face, it is like man that chance is gone. that's what it is about. >> if there is a smile, well, maybe there is a chance. even if it is queen elizabeth it doesn't matter. well, queen elizabeth. ah. there is a royal chance there. you never know. >> 95 percent of the time, i don't want to have sex with you. >> not you. >> larry: i understand. >> not you. all day long, yeah yeah. we know that. we took chemistry. >> larry: yeahing. >>ing. >> okay. so here is the thing. >> there is the thing about women in the workplace. this is very funny to me. temperature. we talked about it on the today show. why are women so (bleep)ing cold. >> i am sorry. maybe because we are so tired having babies and wearing bikinissing. >> yeah, yeah. >> larry: wait, wait.
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>> i have the nightly show blankie for you. oh, thank you. >> no but there is a report that the temperature, especially in offices are geared toward the men. since the temperatures are geared toward men and women are always cold. >> listen i have three pairs of spanks on right now so i am about to pass out from heat exhaustion but on a normal kay i, normal day i am freezing. >> larry: not even cold, you are freezing. >> i am freezing. >> it is amazing. let's show pictures of the staff. we have female members of our staff here. here we go. there is another one. another one. now show one of our guys. look at that. >> they are in the exact same office at the exact same time. where is that office? i want to go thering. >> i have a hoody in my office. if it is cold, put a sweater on i am sorrying. >> you are screaming. >> you are literally screaming at america.
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i need you to knowing. >> i am always up for a good fight but this is one i don't understand. put a sweater on if it it is cold. i am sorry. >> larry: do you think it is biology or do you think it is clothing. >> i think it is air conditioning. >> larry: air conditioning. >> that makes sensing. >> >> larry: air conditioning. >> yeahing. >> how about this, guys, we get to control the remote and you get to control the thermostatting. >> i like that. >> i am with it. >> sounds good. >> larry: we will figure this out. we will be right back. [ cheers and applause ] if you live in the new york city area or are planning to visit grab some free tickets to attend an upcoming taping of the nightly show. the show tapes monday through thursday. for complete details go to the night he right now at pizza hut, you can get any two medium pizzas for $6.99 each. get any toppings. any crust flavor. anything you want for just $6.99 each. and sweeten the deal with a hershey's triple chocolate brownie for just $5.99. only at pizza hut.
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their genuine guest reviews are written by guests who have genuinely stayed there. instead of people who lie on the internet. son: look, a finger. captain: that's unsettling. man: you think? captain: all the time. except when i sleep. which i would not do here. would have mentioned the finger. ♪three chicken tenders♪ ♪taters and gravy♪ ♪i threw in a biscuit and a big 'ol cookie♪ my $5 fill up will fill you up! guaranteed! ain't that right, phillip? it's still finger lickin' good.
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on twitter today! it's president barack obama's birthday! ( cheers and applause ) i mean maybe prove it. nya! ( laughter ) twitter celebrated by turning his profile into a regular party city. look at all the balloons! oh! there's the birthday boy shown here holding


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