Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 6, 2015 2:25pm-2:59pm PDT

2:25 pm
in fact, the general theme of the evening was "everybody on this stage tonight is an (bleep) hole except for me." >> senator santorum, today you said governor romney is guilty of distorting your record. >> mitt, we need for you to release your income tax. >> the analogy that congressman paul used was utterly irrational. >> why didn't you try to change that when you were governor of massachusetts? >> you voted against right to work! >> congressman paul voted against that bill. >> governor huntsman called you a "perfectly lubricated weathervane on the important issues of the day." (laughter and applause) >> jon: at least he was perfectly lubricated. perfectly lubricated weathervane? even their insults to each other smell of rich guys. and you, santorum, you're like a gazebo made of cedar wood. good luck on your third winter! (laughter) all right. allof course, south carolina isa tad more conservative than new hampshire or even iowa and the
2:26 pm
question was who could do the best job of appealing to the southern conservative voter. mitt romney, you're the front-runner. would you take a shot at it. >> i went moose hunting... not moose hunting, elk hunt with friends in montana. >> jon: actually it wasn't an elk, it was a fawn. we were... (laughter). we were at a petting zoo. (laughter) i didn't want to shoot the damn thing, i just want to be president, that's all i want. and i knew i was going to need one kill on my record but those big brown eyes. i killed bambi is what i'm saying! i killed bambi because my friends were shouting "no pussies in the white house!" i just... (laughter). i yield the rest of my time. but the real star of the debate was the south carolina audience who made some revealing applaudtory choices. >> south carolina is at war with this federal government and this administration. (cheers and applause). >> jon: whoo! whoo! war against the government led by south carolina!
2:27 pm
(laughter) that always has a good ending, right? i think i remember us clapping for this in a previous incarnation. (cheers and applause) wow. so a faint hint of civil war. (laughter) hoary! what didn't the audience like? >> maybe we ought to consider a golden rule in foreign policy. don't do to other nations... (boos) ... what we don't want to happen to us. (laughter). >> jon: let the record show on january 16, 2012, the good people of south carolina booed the golden rule. (laughter) but one man managed to both win the debate and provide a fitting tribute to the late martin luther king. >> speaker gingrich, you recently said black americans should demand jobs not food stamps. can't you see that this is viewed at a minimum as insulting to all americans but particularly to black americans? (applause) >> no. i don't see that.
2:28 pm
(cheers and applause). >> jon: hooray! yes, hooray for your inability to comprehend when you've insulted black people! we, too, find it difficult! all right, you're almost there, newt, all you need is a big finish that encases your conflation of black people and poverty in a covering of melted sanctimony. >> so here's my point. i believe every american of every background has been endowed by their creator with the right to pursue happiness and if that makes liberals unhappy i'm going to find ways to help poor people learn how to get a job, learn how to get a better job and learn someday to own the job. (cheers and applause) >> when we come back... they can't hear me but i'll talk to you. >> jon: and so it was that on martin luther king day newt gingrich shared his vision of an america where people will be judged not by the color of their
2:29 pm
skin but by him, newt gingrich. (laughter) and he finds them lazy. (laughter) and, by the way, since we're ascribing motivations to people we don't know, i wonder how statue martin luther king is feeling about all of... wait, oh, he's angry. oh, this is not... (laughter) wow. martin luther king preached nonviolence but statue martin luther king kicks mother (bleep)ing ass! (bleep)ing ass! we'll be right back.
2:30 pm
2:31 pm
2:32 pm
i am rich. on the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties. i wear nothing less than the finest designer footwear. wherever i go, the paparazzi capture my every move. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers.
2:33 pm
oh, thank you,i like your place. make yourself at home i'll be right back. hm. she's got x1. alright. huh, hm, ohh... monster? she seemed so nice at dinner. i'm back! ahh! uhh... whatcha doing? ohh, just... watchin' law & order. awww, you're nervous. that's so cute. call and upgrade to get x1 today. ♪ (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. now, as you know, i am the proud new owner of a superpac which sounded great at first. practically unlimited money to spend however i wanted. then i saw something on morning joe that, well, frankly scared
2:34 pm
me. >> superpacs have to be entirely separate from a campaign and a candidate. i'm not allowed to communicate with a superpac in any way, shape, or form. >> so you're not coordinating any way whatsoever? >> my goodness if we coordinate in any way whatsoever we go to the big house. >> jon: (gasps) which one of your big houses do you go to? (cheers and applause) the beach house or the ski chalet? or the big house... i don't want to go to jail. this is serious. i need guidance. stephen! stephen! (cheers and applause) i really need help. >> thank you so much for having me. >> jon: no, i need help. (cheers and applause) thank you. thank you for being here. >> jon, please. thank you.
2:35 pm
(cheers and applause) thank you, my friends. thank you. jon, jon, please, can we make this quick? >> jon: make it quick? >> i want to make sure liam neeson gets enough time to talk about "the gray." (laughter). >> jon: very suspenseful. i'm concerned. i don't want to seem ungrateful for the staggering amount of money with almost no limitations you put at my disposal from the superpac. >> as you know, jon, federal law prohibits me from coordinating with you. >> jon: damn it! so close yet stymied by the unpossibly strict regulations concerning federal elections. >> jon, if i may, there is one small loop-chasm. >> i'm calling on the superpac. i cannot coordinate or communicate with them directly but i can speak out as a citizen talking to you. i'm calling on them to edit out every single mistake or to pull the entire film. >> i can't tell you, but i can tell everyone through television. and if you happen to be
2:36 pm
watching, well, i can't prevent that, jon. (laughter). >> jon: stephen, i don't have time to watch your show tonight. wait a second. oh, i have an idea. hold on. (laughter) (cheers and applause) is that going to work? that's going to work. >> i got it right here. i got it. (laughter) all right, let me just set it to "the colbert report." >> tonight i talk to jon stewart about superpacs without coordinating with him! this is "the kohl bare report!" thank you, audience, please, please sit down. (laughter) nation, so much to get to tonight, but first i am calling on the superpac.
2:37 pm
i cannot coordinate with them, i can't communicate directly, but i can speak out as a citizen talking to you and i'm calling on them not to run vicious character assassination ads adst impugn and borderline slander any candidate if in any way those ads could be traced back to me. (laughter) >> jon: what did he say? it's so obtuse. i just wish we could communicate directly and clearly. it's so frustrating. i wonder, is "american idol" on? ♪ i got the moves like jagger, i got the moves like jagger... ♪ (cheers and applause). >> jon: i tell you what, dog, if you're going to try christina, you've got to bring it. hey, what's on b.e.t.? >> nothing's on b.e.t.! >> jon: fine! not working! get rid of this eve and everything. i just... i feel like i've got to call the lawyer for my superpac. >> not before i call the lawyer
2:38 pm
for the exploratory committee. >> jon: well, who should we call first? >> well, since they are the same person, why don't we just call at the same time. >> jon: right. i still can't believe that's legal. here we go. (phone rings) >> hello? >> jon: hello? trevor. are you there? >> hello, stephen? >> hi, it's trevor potter, everybody. (cheers and applause) hi, i am sitting here... superstar campaign lawyer. i am sitting here with jon stewart. >> jon: but don't worry, we're not coordinating. (laughter) >> okay. good. that's good. >> >> jon: trevor, i don't know if i'm doing the right thing. can i tell stephen what i've done with it? >> yes. but remember, stephen cannot request, subject, or assess to any of the superpac's activity. >> got it.
2:39 pm
so just speak up if we cross the line. >> will do. >> jon: last weekend i bought five 60-second ad lots on channel a wcsc. >> charles on the's news leader. >> jon: (gasps) okay. the airtime costs $3600 and in it i accuse mitt romney of being a serial killer. (laughter) is that okay, stephen? >> i cannot coordinate with you in any way. (laughter). >> jon: all right moving on. last night the superpac that supports you but which i control independently ran another ad in south carolina at a total production cost of $15,000 equating with a vote for herman cain with a vote for stephen colbert. any thoughts on that, stephen? >> i cannot coordinate with you in any way. (laughter) and i haven't seen the ad but when i watched it, i thought that the final shot of a handsome man smiling could have
2:40 pm
been a little bit longer. (laughter and applause) and was a little... with a little color correction and maybe you could have done something about the crow's feet. but as i say, i have not seen it, jon, and i cannot coordinate with you in any way. (laughter). >> jon: well, i happen to think it looked nice and it was a very flattering picture of you. >> i wouldn't know. trevor... >> jon: i think we lost him. are you still there? >> yes, i am. >> jon: holy (bleep). this is still legal? >> it should be okay, so far. (laughter). >> jon: all right, i have some future plans. >> i can't coordinate. >> jon: the next superpac attack ad attack it is attack ads of romney and gingrich's uncoordinated superpac ads. they'll be running in head of the charles on the. >> i cannot coordinate in any way. >> jon: and we thought maybe we'd buy time in columbia, south carolina. >> um, i cannot coordinate in anyway. >> jon: then i decided no, we're just going do in the
2:41 pm
charleston. >> i cannot coordinate in any way. (laughter and applause). >> jon: all right. trevor? >> still here. >> jon: you heard all that? nobody's going to the big house. >> well, it doesn't sound as though you violated the coordination rule. even though there are criminal penalties that are on the books, nobody i can think of has gone to jail solely for coordinating. so that should make you feel better. you might get fined. >> jon: fined? how much? >> four to six figures. >> jon: four to six figures? where am i going to get that kind of... (laughter). trevor? i know this is going to sound a little crazy and... as a matter of fact i feel weirdly criminal even asking but if i get fined could i pay that with superpac money? >> yes, probably. (laughter)
2:42 pm
>> jon: well, stephen, it has been great not coordinating with you. >> and it has been great not coordinating with you, my friend! >> jon:ly see you tonight on the ride home. >> on the bicycle built for two? >> jon: stephen colbert, everybody. everybody. (cheers and appla don't think about wendy's spicy chicken. don't do it. problem is, not thinking about that spicy goodness makes you think about it even more. so think of something else. like countries in europe. france, austria, hung-a-ry. hungry for spicy chicken. see, there's no escaping it. pffft. who falls for this stuff?
2:43 pm
and don't forget, kids get hun-gar-y too. so you're a small business expert from at&t? yeah, give me a problem and i've got the solution. well, we have 30 years of customer records. our cloud can keep them safe and accessible anywhere. my drivers don't have time to fill out forms. tablets. keep it all digital. we're looking to double our deliveries. our fleet apps will find the fastest route. oh, and your boysenberry apple scones smell about done. ahh, you're good. i like to bake. add new business services with at&t and get up to $500 in total savings.
2:44 pm
and this is such thia good movie too.te night. at the end when it's revealed the grandmother did it... dude. it's like hello? ah! hey, was that jordan? whoa! that's cold. now all hanes underwear is tagless. go tagless. i really want a cupcake, but not the calories. lil sweet sliding down the bannister. ouuuh lil sweet brought you some sweeeet diet dr peppers. oh yeaahhh. that is sweet. diet dr pepper. it's the sweet one. [hero female] we're all familiar with this: axe daily fragrances, which comes in a black can. but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray anti-perspirant. it goes on dry and keeps you dry with no visible residue. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it was dry. [hero female] don't, that's weird.
2:45 pm
the first ever dry spray anti-perspirant from axe. and when his batterywas nolight lit up- it went from bad to worse. but a quick pit stop to autozone- where they check that for free- and ted and his car were back to peak performance. ♪ get in the zone. ♪ ♪ autozone. ♪ its called the zone and we'll help get you there. ♪ get in the zone. ♪ ♪ autozone. ♪
2:46 pm
(cheers and applause).
2:47 pm
>> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight, his new film is called "gray." >> what was that? >> it went at him. he put a dart... whatever that challenge was, he also put a dart. >> how are we going to deal with this? >> we kill him. one at a time. tip the numbers. that's what they're doing to us. (laughter). >> jon: please welcome back to the program liam neeson. (cheers and applause) >> jon: thank you for being
2:48 pm
here. i like to stand very far away to heighten the disparity between our relative sizes. >> oh, sit down. >> jon: i look like sprout. how are you? >> i'm okay, john, yeah. yeah. >> jon: i am all for actors doing their own stunts, doing these things. this looks like they actually put you into the very frozen and desolate area. >> it was cold, jon, it was cold. >> jon: where are you filming this? >> we were up in... for a week and a half up in a place called smithers up in northern subarctic british columbia. (one audience member cheers). >> jon: no, no. >> no, i don't believe that, either. >> jon: nobody here from smithers. (laughter) that sounds like one of those towns that is named after the person who died trying to get there. (laughter) >> maybe. you know, it's a population of 5,000. beautiful little village. in three feet of snow. i don't know what it's like in the spring.
2:49 pm
but it's got a great sushi restaurant. a great pizza restaurant. one of the best sushi restaurants i've er been in. go figure. >> jon: that i can imagine because the fish there is remarkably fresh. or do they ship it in? >> i think it was caught. >> jon: in this town of 5,000, how did they react to the presence of eight movie stars and a film set? were you a curiosity in the town? where there a rise in, let's say, says scwawch sightings. >> well, i wasn't me. >> jon: we're a large man. how did they react to you guys coming to town? >> they were very sweet, very helpful. and we were shooting up the side of a mountain. all the weather conditions you see in the movie. there's no c.g.i . it's all real. snow, real sleet. real wind. so at times... >> jon: they got their sleet. >> so there were times when they
2:50 pm
said "you've got to get off the mountain, the wind's coming in." and we'd go "no, trust us." so there were times coming down the mountain it was whites you. it was quite dangerous. >> jon: and you thought to yourself next time we listen to the people. (laughter) >> the locals know. next time we do in the a tahiti. >> jon: not as many wolves, unfortunately. is there ever a moment... the story is about a plain that crashes and these men trying to survive in the wilderness. >> the plane mall functions. >> jon: crash, obviously you and i pilots both. (laughter) >> yeah, sure. >> jon: was there ever a moment when you're going there and you're thinking "look at us, flying to a remote frozen region going to a movie to film about flying in a remote frozen region." and did you ever think to yourself "this is going to be the most ironic obituary?" (laughter) >> the day after we finished in smithers, i'm talking temperatures minus 30, minus 37 the first few days. the day after we finished in
2:51 pm
that location we were all flying out in a charter airplane, all the crew, all the cast, and we're all sitting there. (laughter) >> (bleep). >> jon: that's nerve-wracking. >> "tragedy struck hollywood today." >> jon: the townspeople, as you were leaving was it... let's say the fall of saigon? were people running for the plane to try and go with? >> girls and... >> jon: pregnant girls. >> nothing like that. >> jon: what does the industry... is it a fishing village? what is the industry? >> it seems to be tourism. a lot of fishing. >> jon: i'm sorry, i thought you said tourism? it's a tourist town? >> it's a tourist town, yes. >> jon: so you fly into this desolate region called smithers in british columbia and the first thing you encounter is like a t-shirt shop. (laughter) >> there's a few of them. >> jon: if i go to the pizzeria in smithers how many pictures do i see of the pizza shop owners with his arm around
2:52 pm
liam neeson? (laughter) >> there might be two or three. >> jon: the whole wall is just covered. liam neeson eating a slice. >> snow goose, you know? >> jon: any fire... any frozen related injuries? >> oh, we had... there was a couple of the cast, some of the crew got frostbite. >> jon: they're out there 16 hours with the film and canisters. >> not 16 hours. you couldn't do it, jon. by the time we got up the mountain we had maybe four and a half hours of filming before the sun went down. >> jon: you couldn't do it. (laughter) my people have been much through much, my friend. (laughter) "the grey" i don't want to tell people what happens. it's very... no real wolves in the... it's... i mean the real... >> there was a couple but there's very little c.g.i . it was a lot of animatronics.
2:53 pm
>> jon: it looks for real. but not for you. >> oh, yeah. >> jon: there's a liam neeson puppet, you can't even believe it. "the grey" opens in theaters january 27. colonel sanders here. ask any lifeguard and she's gonna tell ya the best part of summertime is my five dollar fillup with finger lickin' good sauce. dip your chicken in it... wait an hour... dip yourself in the pool. it's finger lickin' good.
2:54 pm
i know blowdrying fries but i'm never gonna stop
2:55 pm
because now, i've got pantene shampoo and conditioner. pantene's got the pro-v formula to make my hair so strong the damage of 100 blowdries is gone. strong is beautiful.™ pantene. i am rich. on the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties. i wear nothing less than the finest designer footwear.
2:56 pm
wherever i go, the paparazzi capture my every move. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 12 1:00. here it is your moment of szep. >> andrew jackson had a pretty clear-cut idea about ameri captioned by media access group at wgbh good evening and welcome to "the daily show." we are back. this is our first show since the tragedy in new york city. and i'm-- there's no other way, really, to start this show than to ask you at home the question that we asked the audience here tonight, and that we've asked everybody that we know here in new york since september 11.
2:57 pm
and this is, are you ok? and we pray that you are and your family is. i am sorry to do this to you. to-- it's another entertainment show beginning with an overwrought speech of a shaken host. and television is nothing if not redundant. so i apologize for that. it's something that, unfortunately, we do for ourselves so that we can drain whatever abscess is in our hearts and move on to-- to the business of making you laugh. which-- which we haven't been able to do very effectively lately. everyone's checked in already. i know we're late. i'm sure we're getting in right under the wire before the cast of "survivor" offers their insight into what
2:58 pm
to do in these situations. they said to get back to work. and there were no jobs available for a man in the fetal position under his desk, crying. which i gladly would have taken. so i-- so i come back here. and tonight's show is not, obviously, a regular show. we looked through the vault. we found some clips that we thought might make you smile-- which is really what's necessary, i think, right about now. and a lot of folks have asked me, what are you gonna do when you get back? what are you gonna say? i mean, jeez, what a terrible thing to have to do. and-- and i don't see it as a burden at all. i-- i see it as a privilege. and-- i just-- i see it as a privilege. and everyone here does see it that way.