tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central August 6, 2015 11:00pm-11:53pm PDT
>> jon: welcome to "the daily show." welcome to "the daily show." i am jon stewart. thank you very much for coming tonight. ( cheers and applause ) hey, guess what? i got big news. this is it. this is the final episode! and what a night what a big big night. a short time ago, the first republican presidential debate wrapped up in cleveland. and i think you'll all agree with me, it was incredible. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so... articulate. and because of that, even though it is our last night on the air
i feel a responsibility-- >> oooh! >> jon: but yet, we all still remain alive. last night on the air. i feel somewhat of a responsibility-- nay nay, an obligation-- to devote the entirety of our last show to our standard post-debate full team coverage. and so. ( cheers and applause ) standing by tonight outside of cleveland's quicken arena, where the debates were held we've got jessica williams joining us with the bush campaign. ( cheers and applause ) we've got hasan minha. he's with scott walker's campaign. >> that's right. >> jon: jordan klepper. >> trump! ( applause ). >> jon: jordan klepper will be covering donald trump. and i want to ask you guys what are your impressions of tonight's really interesting
debate? >> oh man! jon. i thought jeb did well! >> jon: uh-huh. >> walker, also. and i can't believe trump took out his penis. so so late in the debate. >> jon: it was a surprise to everybody. ( laughter ) now, obviously, our coverage is a bit limited. we're limited to the top three candidates due to the size of the republican field relative to the size of our current stable of correspondents. so unfortunately-- >> jon, jon! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: assif, thank you. this is an enormous-- assif thank you for spontaneously appearing in cleveland to help us. >> i'll take kasich. >> jon: thank you! we've got four people covered now. ( cheers and applause ) oh, my god!
al madrigal. who do you want to cover? >> i get it al you're latino. cover cruz or rubio. you disgust me, stewart! >> jon: al, there are six remaining candidates. take whoever you want. >> i'll take rubio, please. >> jon: at least we can cover five people, and that. ( cheers and applause ) john hodgman and lewis black, the crbdzor pitching in tonight. thank you so much for lending a hand to our coverage. john hodgman why don't you take rand paul. and lewis black, chris christie. >> oh, i get it. "lewis, you're an angry asshole. cover christie." you disgust me! >> jon: what? ( cheers and applause ) this is amazing. we were almost there. kristen schaal, thank you so
much. this is-- i gotta tell you something really dressed up for a debate. you look lovely. >> oh, jon, you're still here? i thought trevor had started by now. >> jon: what? >> i said we'll miss you! >> jon: all right you too. all right, eightut of 10 candidates. eight out of 10 candidates. ( cheers and applause ) sam i've missed you so much. thanks for pitching in tonight. >> no, jon, thank you, there is no one else i would fly to cleveland in august to help cover-- wait, i'm sorry. who's left? >> jon: ben carson or huckabee. >> oh, my god, ewww! >> jon: all right, oh, damn it, nine out of 10. damn! so close it would have been great. ( cheers and applause )
i don't know what to say. oh my god. i'm sorry. >> i can't hear you, jon. there's a lot of applause here in cleveland. that's right, jon. tonight, i heart huckabee. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: steve i gotta say this is-- for me it's very touching that you would come back after 12 years and do this. >> i never left, jon. becoming an international superstar is just something i did while waiting for my nassignment. we've all just been waiting jon, the whole time. >> jon: you've been waiting the whoam time, that can't-- i can't believe it! >> we all been waiting a really long time, jon. where do you get off! i have two children to raise. >> and i have three. ( laughter ). >> jon: wait a minute. has everyone, have all the
correspondents just been-- just been waiting around like-- it's been 16 and a half years. that can't be. what about like, vance degeneres and mo rocca? are they-- >> we're here, jon. >> jon: they couldn't be here-- >> we're here, jon. >> jon: oh, my god! i can't believe you guys are here. >> we're here down on wall street jon? >> waiting to do our signature "dollars and sense" coverage. >> jon: it's been so long since that bit was done on the show. i can't believe you guys are here. to just now do a financial segment. >> well, apparently, there wasn't much financial news to cover this-- >> this past decade. >> jon: all right well, you know, you do the best-- add tele! >> hey buddy. >> oh, man. >> day dave.
>> i wouldn't miss this for the world. let me tell you something, jon. you've done it. 16 years of great tv. >> jon: thank you, sir. >> next stop, podcast. >> jon: this is-- this is unbelievable. how far back are we going to go with these reports? >> okay so we have time for one more question. ( cheers and applause ) right there, yes, you, the old guy. >> jon: oh, hey, matt walsh, dave bakkedahl, it's me jon stewart. you're on my show now not your show. >> what do you mean our show. >> jon: "veep," before that you were correspondents on "the daily show" so i was expressing happiness that you were here-- >> and we're done here, thank you. >> jon: i just want to say one more thing-- >> hey hey, asked and answered, asshole. >> yeah, you ( bleep ) face. we're done here! >> excuse me, jon, skews excuse me.
>> jon: oh, my god, this is amazing. >> i thought i'd stop by because i got nothing else to do tonight. "the nightly show" got bumped. ( applause ) >> gl sorry about that, larry. >> black shows matter, jon. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: i apologize. >> where's jones? >> jason jones? you didn't hear. he's in georgia filming a new show larry. >> why don't you go to him. >> jon: that's not going to work. >> it will, if you believe. >> jon: all right. i didn't know that. well, let me try it. let me see what i can do here. all right, that's weird. let's see if i can do it. let's go to jason jones. >> that one. thanks jon. let me just say i am so happy you're gonna have some
well-deserved time off to watch my brand new television show "the detour" on tbs. >> jon: well, obviously, you must be busy i'll let you get back. >> thanks for asking, jon, it is a hilarious new comedy show coming soon on tbs. >> jon: what an oddly cross-promotional move by-- >> hey, jon >> jon: josh gad! what's up. ♪ do you want to leave the show man ♪ >> jon: oh, you played olaf the snowman in "frozen." >> that's right, i did. i'm a show business god, jon. >> jon: among eight-year-olds. >> disney money, bitch! ( cheers and applause ) wow, wow. jon. jon.
this is intense. so many-- so many old faces. >> jon: rob corddry. i cant even believe you're back here. come on give me some sugar. >> no no. >> jon: rob corddry, everybody. >> i can't-- i'm like-- i'm like knocked out here. >> i didn't want to do this. it's very embarrassing. it's just that everybody here, you guys you're like family. you know, especially you, jon. >> jon: thank you, rob. >> you-- you're like the brother i never had. >> jon: thank you so much, rob, except i think you have a brother. ( laughter ). >> no, nope. i don't eye don't think you're right rite about that. >> jon: i think you have a brother, rob and i think his name is nate and he actually was a correspondent here, too, nate corddry. >> no, nate does not ring a bell. >> jon: no, it was--. ( cheers and applause ) i think you do. >> i'm nate corddry.
i'm your brother. >> come on, corddry! come on corddry! >> come on! >> i told you to wait in the car! in the trunk of the car! go! i am sorry jon. you should check in with your other correspondents. >> jon: all right i'm-- all right,il-- let me-- wait what's that sound? i'll check in with another correspondent-- lord vader? is that you? >> stewart. i am more machine than man. twistd and evil. responsible for the deaths of bill yons of sentient beings. but it has come to my attention you have been comparing me to dick cheney. ( laughter ) that seems a bit harsh. >> jon: i just thought it was something sith lordy about you and him and i just thought-- >> let us be clear, there is the
dark side and then whatever he called his sick thing. >> jon: i didn't mean it. >> anger leads to hate, and hate leads to shooting your friend in the face. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> jon: thank you, lord vader. wow, that was-- that was intense. sith lord as a correspondent. you know, speaking of shooting let's go overseas to our middle east correspondent bassem youssef. bassem, are you there. >> jon, i knew they would eventually get to you. who shut you down, the white house? the secret police? thanks obama. >> jon: no, no one's shutting show down. i'm leaving because i want to. >> whoa. that's it. >> jon: yeah. >> what a pussy. >> jon: oh,. >> jon it's me! >> jon: michael che? hey what's up. you know michael it's great to see you but you were a correspondent for three weeks. i don't know if it warranted a
full cameo. >> maybe some of us like changing jobs before the ass groove in our desk chair is old enough to vote. >> jon: i have to say that hurt a little bit. i tried to do a good thing and let you do some bits for us, and then we could go through and get and get some-- ( applause ) actually hey, trevor, could you give me, like, 20 more minutes? >> oh i'm so sorry. >> jon: it's great to see you. it's going to be great. i'm so excited for you. >> just real quick if you don't mind. >> jon: oh, sure. thank you, brother, i appreciate it. we'll do it later. ( cheers and applause ) you know what? that remind me, it's not the first time that they've had to re-tailor the suits here. >> you're finally getting
canceled jon. i hate to stay but i knew you were going to run this thing into the ground. >> jon: it's good to see you, too, greg. >> jon! >> jon: olivia munn! olivia, how are you? >> congratulations! >> jon: olivia, thank you so much. so nice to see you. >> of course,. >> jon: how are you? you didn't have to bring me a cake. that's lovely. >> of course, i did, it's your 70th birthday. >> jon: not my 70th. first of all, it's not my birthday, and i'm not 70. >> what is it like, 75-- no, you do not like 80! >> jon: no it's neither one of these. this is lovely-- >> why are you on -- >> oh, my god! >> come on, jon! i've come to take you out of here buddy hey, munn, what's up girl. >> jon: riggle what are you doing? put me down riggle. >> no way, jose. you're coming with me if you want to live. >> jon: we're having a nice celebration here. there's no reason to go rambo. >> you sweet, naive frail, tiny
little-- yes, did i say frail. >> jon: you did say frail. >> do you have any idea the trail of hate that you've left behind? roll 212. >> i'm paul brown c.e.o. of arby's brought to you tonight by jon stewart. jon stewart, it's like a tv threw up on your face. i'll never forget you, jon, but i will be trying. >> good riddance, smart ass. >> don't go. come back. >> jon, i'll being sarcastic. >> and just when i'm running for president. what a bummer. >> see you, pip-squeak. >> what has nine and a half fingers and won't miss you at all? this guy. >> jon, i just don't know what to say. >> i'm sure you'll, missed by somebody. >>un, there are a lot of things happening around the world that keep me up at night which is why i've relied on you to put me to sleep. >> have fun feeding your
rabbits. >> i'm jon stewart. i'm dumb, i'm stewart. nah-nah! so long. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i'm not going to say that didn't sting a little bit. >> that was awesome. >> jon: ed helms! >> what's up, baby? >> you look great. >> jon: it's so great to see you, ed! ♪ and it's wonderful to see you ♪ >> jon: that's right, you did love to sing. >> i do. i like to sing. i like to make movies with my friends and, of course, i have my real passion which is rung the rocky mountain institute for men hoget more distinguished and handsome as they age. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: i've heard of that. and actually, it's kind of nice that you're here because i'm going to be having some free time. perhaps i could stop by the institute. >> um--
>> just for a quick visit at the-- >> no. >> jon: all right. i mean yeah, i guess you're right-- >> jon! >> jon: what the-- is that? i know that voice. i know that voight voice. is that wyatt? wyatt, where are you? where are you, wyatt? ( cheers and applause ) hey wyatt! i can't hear you for crazy aapplause. >> yeah. >> jon: are you across the street? >> maybe. >> jon: you look like you're right across the street. are you coming over? >> i'm thinking about it. i got some balls in the air. >> jon: all right. you good? >> yeah i'm good. you good? >> jon: yeah i'm good. i'd love to see you. >> i'll think about it. my social media's ploag up. >> jon: i hear you. >> hey, jon! hey! >> jon: what the? >> hey jon! >> jon: let's check in one last time at guatanamo bay with
our old friend, gitmo! hey gitmo! >> yay! yay! what a great day! yay! >> jon: oh, my god, gitmo. >> gitmo and jon stewart finally getting out. yay! hooray for gitmo. >> jon: gitmo, i got some news, i'm leaving but they didn't ever really close guantanamo. i'm going-- >> gitmo... not leaving? only jon stewart? >> jon: yeah. >> ( bleep )! aarrgg! >> jon: we'll get you out of there, gitmo. we'll get you out of there! ( cheers and applause )
>> i have to say jon i just have to say working here meant the world to me. i have such great memories starting with my very first day. so let's just dive in. >> jon: sure. >> i remember for breakfast there were egg sandwiches and i chose the egg whites, because you're getting the protein, you know you're getting the protein, but also you've leaving yourself open for a second sandwich. so that's why with egg whites -- >> jon: this is all fascinating. we're going to have to pick up the pace just a smidge. >> no, no, no, jon we can't. when something is important it's worth taking the time to discuss it in depth. i'm talking 15, 18, even 20 minutes if necessary. oise oiz what, are you doing. >> jon: eventually we have to go to commercial. >> hold on. what the ( bleep ) is a commercial? what are you talking about? you're talking madness, boy. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: wow, this is-- this is-- i have to say, ladies and
gentlemen, this is amazing. that's it. my thanks to everybody. over all these years, when you look at the talent that's passed through these doors it would have been hard to screw this show up. i just want to thank everybody who lent their talents to this program. it meant the world. ( cheers and applause ) i understand. calm down. i get it. thank you. thank you. >> just a moment! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> just a moment. aren't you forgetting someone, jon? you can't possibly leave without saying good-bye to yer your sam.
( laughter ) >> jon: wait. who's sam? >> i am jon. ( laughter ) >> jon: what am i diane? what is this "cheers"? i don't understand. >> no, jon, don't you see? you're frodo. >> jon: you're saying i'm frodo. why aren't you frodo. >> jon, one of us is adult sized andsizedand doesn't have hairy toes. >> jon: point taken. >> jon, like frodo you are leaving us on a voyage to the unlying land. >> jon: i'm just going to new jersey. >> for 16 years, you and your basic cable fellowship of funny the ring of power and trudged up the steep slopes of mount doom. what's the metaphor of ring?
>> simple, jon, the ring of power is a metaphor for power the power to be a player in the world of media and washington politics. >> jon: i don't really want that. >> jon, you know who else didn't want that? >> jon: frodo. >> your words, jon. frodo thought siewrl sauron would know they meant to destroy the ring, but i don't have to tell what gandaff said about that. >> jon: you're just going to tell me that, aren't you-- he said, and i'm parfraigz here even if i could do it verbaitin if i wanted. he said, my fellow americans, it has not entered into sauron's darkest dreams that we would destroy this hideous power. and in the metaphor here power also stood for power. >> jon: i just want to say that i am so touched that everybody could be here tonight. and-- >> me, too, jon. is there a party or anything? because i brought a lot of people from cbs.
and i told them that i know you. >> jon: yes, there is a party. and you can go to it stephen colbert everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) >> actually jon, jon actually, no please sit down. actually, jon, we're not quite done. >> jon: don't do this. >> just a moment, jon. you can't stop anyone because they don't work for you anymore. huge mistake, jon. it will be quick if you just hold still. jon, i've been asked and have the privilege to say something to you that is not on the prompter right now. >> jon: please don't do this. >> here's the thing jon, you said to me and many other people to never thank you because we owe you nothing. it is one of the few times i've known you to be dead wrong. we owe you-- and not just what you did for our career by employing us to come on this tremendous show that you made-- we owe you because we learned from you. we learned from you by example how to do a show with intention, how to work with clarity, how to
treat people with with respect. you were infuriatingly good at your job. ( cheers and applause ) >> okay. all of us, all of us, who were lucky enough to work with you-- and you can edit this out later-- all of us who were lucky enough to work with you for 16 years are better at our jobs because we got to watch you do yours. and we are better people for having known you. you are a great artist and a good man. and personally, i do not know how this son of a poor appalachian miner-- i do not know, i do not know what i would do if you hadn't brought me on this show. i'd be back in those hills mining birds. jon you know by now, i'd have-- i'd have dung lung. so jon-- and it's almost over. >> jon: all right. >> know you are not asking for this, but on behalf of so many people whose lives you changed over the past 16 years, thank you. and now, i believe your line--
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey everybody. welcome back! not sure-- not sure what you missed during the commercial break. ah! so, so, okay. ( laughter ) you know, one of the things-- the thing i'm going to miss most about this place is the people i work with. they are amazing. every conversation we have is illuminating, uplifting. there are days where you come in and the confusion and the fog is everywhere, and the people here never fail to have my back on those moments. somebody in the building bringing inspiration, ideas, tenacity, hard work-- it's the
thing i'm proudest of, of this place. it's not the show. it's the process of the show. it's the people of the show and the atmosphere poop. i've been in show business for a long time and worked in lots of different atmospheres in zeroing levels of toxicity and this is the most beautiful place i have been and i'll never have that again and i had to come to terms with that before leaving knowing what i was walking away from, and i can tell you what each of these individuals individuals is like and what they have brought to us, but i really thought rather than you watching me dissolve into a puddle again, i'd rather let you meet them. as far back as i can remember, i always wanted to be a comic. comics were the coolest guys around-- after athletes, movie stars, sirngz, carneys narcs, but after that, comics. for 17 years i got to do it with the people in this building. my crew. if something had to be done-- if you know what i mean--
>> we took care of that thing for you. >> jon: i know what they mean. every day we'd meet up at our favorite hang-out, the office. there was, of course cool zach. >> how you doing, guy. >> jon: and the writers, the bread baker and cage. >> if hut is a species, why did he call himself jawf at hut. >> it's like an epithet, like jimmy the geek. >> nerds. >> there's z-bone, joan, dlaifery, trayvon, midwest alley. >> i'm from colorado! >> jon: there was beauty mcflad, and beauty mcflad, and beauty mcflad. >> we're different people. >> jon: you have to be quiet walking past. and sean. he'd made sure everything we said was correct and that's why i called him the research-in-ator. >> you never once called me that. >> jon: these poor soles did the hardest job of all
watching the news all day. juliette, liza. brunch man. and, of course, gaga-goo. hey, jay. taxler. james francis and mel kerrs. >> donald trump just announced he's running for president. ( sirens ). >> all hands on deck! >> jon: we should probably go. denny wires had the whole place wired. off to production. the hurt locker. dev. donnie appleseed, and brittany. >> it's for the show! >> jon: sure, it is. there's lisa. and then there's-- that guy doesn't work here. i don't know who that guy is. and, of course, the prop master. >> it took 36 months to build. >> build another one. >> i saw the pool on the roof. >> i like it. >> jon: accounting laundered-- moved the money.
lisa christie. >> jon hey, go buy yourself something nice. >> jon: don't mind if i do. sometimes the stories didn't come to us. that's when the field department was for. we sent outer correspondents out into the world and used their miles to get discounts at amazon. there was nate j.b. and moxie's dad and polly. and the producers. >> i'm not jewish. >> jon: no one believes that here. >> you're going to do a great job. just answer the questions directly. >> jon: now if you really want to know who ran the joint, you had to hit the executive suite. hey fellas. what are you doing there? are you playing cards? did i interrupt? i'll go. meow. heartbreak hill. she booked all the guests. >> he wants to talk to you. i think he's a little mad. >> hey, jonun you ripped me off for the last time of goodfell as okay.
you'll hear from my lawyers soon. >> jon: i don't know what he's talking about. and aib and felipe, antonio. and the maestro at the editing bay. the doctor. i'm open. i'm always open. nick, and where's zuzu. >> are we going to have to edit this later? >> it's one take. >> jon: and i spin the camera and we end up in the graphics cage. joe hogan maddie, and jenny. finally! small victory. there was hasan. and polly p. >> i need 10 minutes. >> jon: why? >> my sons are sick, boss. >> jon: the control room. christina, tim rob, zoe. what's up, pauley. and the big man, chuck. can't forget rocky andrian. >> ready, camera, three? hey, hey, anyone out there know
why fruit makes you burp. >> jon: hey mikey. another paul on warm-up jan and marilyn. and the capos. greenberg. >> we lost a minute on the fees. >> we need that. >> the network approved the joke. >> finally, a bald joke on "the daily show." >> jon: finally we had-- hey, guys. >> hi. >> jon: correspondents. finally, the studio where it all came together. philly phil. chris. richie on jib. franco. t.d., mike qig, and, of course spin. >> here we go. here's the show! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: theatre best in the business. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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here. and now i feel like i should probably say something. so maybe one last time, maybe a little-- if you want to-- maybe a little camera three. ( cheers and applause ) bullshit is everywhere. ( laughter ) are the kids still here? ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll deal with that later? bullshit is everywhere. there is very little you will encounter in life that has not been, in some ways, infused with bullshit-- not all of it bad. general day-to-day free ranch is often necessary, or at least innocuous.
oh what a beautiful baby. i'm sure he'll grow into that head. that kind of bullshit in many ways provides important social contracts fertilizers and keeps people from make each other cry all day. but then there's the more pernicious bullshit, your premeditated institutional bullshit designed to obscure and distract. designed by whom? the bullshit talkers. comes in three basic flavors one, making bad things sound like good things. organic all-natural cupcakes. because factory made sugar oatmeal balls doesn't sell. patriot act, because are you scared enough to let me look at all your phone records act doesn't sell. whenever something is titled freedom fairness, family, health, and america take a good long sniff. chances are it's been manufactured in a facilitate that may contain traces of
bullshit. ( cheers and applause ) number two, the second way, hiding the bad things under mountains of bullshit. complexity-- you know, i would love to download drizzy's latest meek mill dis. everyone promised me that that made cents. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but i'm not really interested right now in reading tolstoy's itunes agreement, so i'll just click "agree" even if it grants apple prima noctae with my spouse. here's another one-- simply put, simply put, banks shouldn't be able to bet your pension money on red. bullshitly put, it's-- hey, this. dodd-frank. hey, a hand sm of billionaires can't buy our lexingtons, right? , of course, not they can only
pour unlimited anonymous cash into 501-c6 and 527 unless they're gonna be doing 50% issue education at--" "i think they're asleep now. we can sneak out." ( applause ) and finally-- finally, it's the bullshit of infinite possibility. these bullshitters cover their unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. we can't do anything because we don't yet know everything. we cannot take action on climate change until everyone in the world agrees gay marriage veex won't cause our children to marry goats who are going to come for our guns. ( cheers and applause ) now, the good news is this-- bullshitters have gotten pretty lazy, and their work is easily detected. and looking for it is a pleasant way to pass the time like an "i
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that is our program. now, there are so many people to thank that i cannot plausibly do it in the amount of time allotted. comedy central gave me this opportunity 16 and a half years ago. the people that worked here, gave me the talent and inspiration to develop it over all those years. it's the most incredible place. honestly, today, it still feels like a dream a little bit, and walking around the building today, nobody was making eye contact because i think there's so much love and pride filling the building right now, that we just don't want to drown it in saline. so there's a lot of this-- so the script is ready? uh-huh. so everybody is making moves with salty goggles on. so i just eye can't thank the peop