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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  July 29, 2016 1:39am-2:12am PDT

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out the brackets, watch some highlights, and the exclusive post-roast aftershow, which starts right after this show. we'll see you guys next time. you guys have fun? jeff. what's up, bud? let's hear it for the judges. what did you guys think tonight? great judges. thank you, fellas. really appreciate it. i had a blast. this was my first time seeing it, so i got to enjoy the battle for what it actually was. you know, the energy in the room. you guys have a great crowd. that makes it even that much more exciting, so, you know, nothing but success, coming from me. i wish y'all the best. jeff, you deserve it, dude. thank you. dave. i don't agree. no, it's a blast, being on the front lines and watch that. those guys are so [bleep] good. you forget what's out there in the clubs. go support those comedy clubs and see all the funny people that you never see on tv. and spade on the rob lowe roast. oh, yeah. i'm on the rob lowe roast. okay, tomorrow night, the the first round of the roast battle tournament continues. we have eight new roasters, four
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new battles, and our guest judges are joke assassin anthony jeselnik, oscar winner whoopi goldberg. tune in tomorrow, same battle time, same battle channel. montreal, go nuts! battle! battle! battle! announcer: live from philadelphia, america's first -- cream cheese. let's not get crazy.
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goldman sachs presents the hillary acceptance speech. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: thank you, so much, everybody. thank you, so much. welcome to the "daily show" i'm trevor noah coming to live from philadelphia. this is it, ladies and gentlemen. moments ago hillary clinton officially accepted the nomination as president of the united states. this is it. exciting. she made history as the first zayn person nominated for president this year. now we will get into the highlights of hillary's speech in a moment. one of the moving moments came earlier from the parents of a muslim army captain who gave his life fighting in iraq. >> donald trump, consistently smears the character of muslims.
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donald trump, you're asking americans to trust you with their future. let me ask you, have you even read the united states constitution? [cheers and applause] >> i will, i will gladly lend you my copy. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: no, no, no. what are you doing? he hates those two things the most, muslims and reading. no. after more speeches and a beautiful katy perry show it was time for hillary -- first, first. as customary in american politics her daughter came out to introduce her. >> our daughter charlotte is nearly two years old. she loves elmo. she loves blue berries.
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and above all she loves face timing with grandma. [cheers and applause] >> my mom can be about to walk on stage for a debate or a speech. it just doesn't matter. she will drop everything for a few minutes of blowing kisses and reading chuga-chuga choo choo. >> trevor: that's right she will drop everything to be on face time with her grandchild. russia could be storming the coast. madam president, russia is advancing. it's getting dangerous. i will tell you what is dangerous. this little face. this little face. someone needs to launch an attack of kisses on this little face. chuga-chuga-chuga. chelsea gave a great speech. what was i en endearing as the o
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mayor rated my morgan freeman. >> here is a woman. what does she dream of? when does she feel proud? how many times will she leave her mark and light up the world? >> trevor: morgan freeman, a perfect choice. who better to humanize hillary clinton then the man that made us fall in love with penguins, people. after katy perry, chelsea clinton, hillary walked out on the stage. i will put it out this. i don't know if i trust a presidential candidate who doesn't inappropriately touch their daughter. [laughing] >> trevor: i don't know, people. where is the sexual tension? something is missing. hillary's speech touched on a lot of themes. first she had to shout out to the man she beta long the way.
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>> i want to thank bernie sanders. bernie, your campaign inspired millions of americans. particularly the young people who threw their hearts and souls into our primary. [ applause ] >> you put economic and social justice issues front and center, where they belong. and to all of your supporters here and around the country i want you to know i have heard you. >> trevor: so now shut the hell up, and let me do my speech. here is $27, enjoy your bus ride back to vermont. go on. no, that was sweet, though. really was. one of the first time hillary and bernie have been in the same sentence without people booing. bernie doesn't smile much. he looked up to the screen and screens have that magic.
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bernie is like, i'm on the screen. now hillary moves onto her new opponent, donald trump. >> he's betting the perils of today's world will blind us to his unlimited promise. he has taken the republican party a long way. from morning in america to midnight in america. >. trevor: wait isn't midnight the cool one? that's how you know hillary is a hard worker. she's like we need it to be morning again. i'm like it's midnight, i just got to the club. by the way, by the way, donald trump hates midnight. that's when he turns back into a racist pumpkin. [ applause ] >> trevor: it's real. hillary hit trump hard all night. she knows trump can't take it. >> a man you can bait with a tweet, is not a man we can trust
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with nuclear weapons. >> trevor: yes, we can all agree. someone bated by a tweet should not have nuclear weapons. but someone who gets bated by a facebook post, that's understandable. because facebook is family. my grandmother is on facebook. how do you post that trash in front of big mama i will blow up your country! it's huge for hillary all night. a mountain of speeches and failed 90s sitcom, it all led to this. >> so, my friends it's with humility, determination, and boundless confidence in america's promise that i accept your nomination for president of the united states! [cheers and applause]
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>> trevor: well that ends that mystery. you know, if ever there was a candidate saying they were accepting the nomination, it's hillary clinton. she wanted this forever. every question in her life, i accept the nomination. hillary, would you like to be president? yes. fries with that. humility and determination i accept your fries. it was amazing, the speech. honestly, politics aside. this was like watching a rocky movie. we have seen her down and up again. she was fighting through it. this is the triumph. this speech was a culmination based around unit. activists united in purpose. singers coming together to share one microphone among 50 of them. if tonight was the dnc world series, then yesterday was the all-star game. all the democratic heavy hitters and tim kaine came together in a
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mission. in a mission to defeat the racist donald trump. >> think about everything you learned as a child. no matter where you were raised. how can there be pleasure in saying, you're fired. >> he's trying to tell us he cares about the middle class. give me a break. that's a bunch of malarkey. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: wow. wow. joe biden losing his cool and dropping the "m" bomb. and at the same time making the c-span viewers clutch their pearls. joe, you bad boy. actually for that joke i wanted to say pearl necklace. my writer told me in america a pearl necklace in america means -- you people are
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disgusting. that's all i will say. you're disgusting. i will say, i haven't seen joe biden this angry. it's like seeing your grandpa angry for the first time. i told you not to buy me a japanese lawn moor, malarkey! joe biden came out with fire. then tim kaine came out and said some things. >> can i be honest with you. i never expected to be here. i was born in minnesota. grew up in kansas city. my parents here tonight, going strong. i spend a lot of time with republican senators who will tell you how fantastic a senator that hillary clinton was. you know who i don't trust. mmm, i wonder. donald trump. >> trevor: yo, yo, can i be real for a second? i heard hillary's vp pick was a white dude but that's a white dude. [ applause ]
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>> trevor: that dude is white like tim kaine. tim kaine is like a real life version of black people's impersonations of white people. that guy is white. he makes white pence look like dmx. that's how white he is. he's cute as well. even though yesterday, tim kaine accepted the vpa. nomination, everyone in the arena was there for a different reason. it's the easiest place to buy weed in philly. also to see barack obama give what could be the last big speech of his presidency. before he took to the stage the dnc played a stirring video of his ups and downs in office. after watching the office you realize how much, more than any other president this nation has ever had, barack obama has touched his face. >> this is someone who walked into us as faced with multiple
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crises, each one of them could sink the country. >> from his first days in office the difficult choices he made as president would be only shape the country's future but reveal the character of the man. [ applause ] >> trevor: yes the presidents had a message for the american people about the mab who had a chance to replace him. >.president: this is not your typically election. it's not just a choice between parties and policies. what we heard in cleveland wasn't particularly republican. it sure wasn't conservative. america is already great. the choice isn't even close. >> trevor: you see that smile? that's not joy. that's the laugh of someone who is about to go insane. [laughing] >> trevor: he's like -- i have to, i have to help bring the country back from a recession. oust two wars and after all that
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you're going to hand it over to cinnamon hitler. hold me back, hold me back. i'm just going to, i'm going to touch my face. [laughing] >> trevor: i tell you something, this isn't just an american thing. we will miss barack obama. i tell you that now. we will miss barack obama. [ applause ] >> trevor: you know, as good as all of these speeches were, it's all a waste. the truth is, none of this gets to donald trump. he always replies with the same thing. "who cares what you think, i'm a billionaire. call me when you have a billion dollars " last night the democrats did just that by bringing out former new york mayor michael bloomberg. that was geneious. bloomberg is everything trump wishes he was. trump has what maybe $4 billion? bloomberg has $40 billion.
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trump has a tv show. bloomberg has his own network. trump small hands. michael bloomberg's entire body is tiny. who better to burn trump then hello billionaire. >> i built a business. i didn't start with it with a million dollar check from my father. trump says he wants to run the nation, like he's running his business. god help us. truth be told, the richest thing about donald trump is his hypocrisy. >> trevor: oh! ohhhh! god damn, this went from a convention speech to a billionaire roast battle. trump, is that your plane or did my plane take a dump. your island is so small you don't have a population.
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knock knock, who is there. ya you would answer your own door, you broke ass [beep]. bloomberg struck him so hard. at the end of the speech he just dropped the gold bar when he was done. he's like, i'm out. billionaires around the world were losing their minds. [ applause ] >> trevor: and of all the speeches we saw this week, this one stood out the most. michael bloomberg is not a democrat. he ran for mayor as a republican then as a independent. yet he came to the ndn to warn everyone about donald trump. my friends, if a man with $40 billion is worried about a trump future then maybe the rest of us should be. we will be right bac
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[cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back to the game show. welcome back, we are live in philadelphia. hillary clinton, of course, just accepted the democratic nomination for president. before she did delegates viewed a short film making a case for her candidacy. they have morgan freeman. we made a hillary film. we don't understand why the dnc turns it down. >> what does it mean to be the best? does it mean you run the fastest? work the hardest? be the honestest? is it that dream you can't stop reaching for. or is the best being the one thing better than whatever else there is. meet hillary, the best you're going to get. >> when i heard we were
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relaunching hillary for 2016, i thought wow. they are really committed to this product. a commitment to success. and success can be more than just how much two people want to buy a product. it be also mean what else is even available to buy? >> after our sales 2008 launch we went back to the drawing board. after 8 long years we think she is ready. >.the new hillary ask is the mot table, capable and reliable. did we mention stable? hillary is a glass of water in the dessert +*plt does it have ice and cucumbers in it? no, look do you want the water or not? point is, people really hike her. take it from this satisfied customer. >> >> you're likeable enough, hillary. it's not just the operating system has changed. one of the things we have worked
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hard to get right this time is the e ex tier kwhror packaging. we wanted class and sophistication. which is why we have her dressed like one of the kings of comedy. [laughing] >> for the 2016 hillary we have upgrades. tweaking features and reengineering others. >> we should reject any agreement like the trans pacific partnership. >> you think new york state should recognize gay marriage? >> no. >> no, okay. [booing] >> i support marriage for lesbian and gay couples. >> i'm a progressive that likes progress. >> i get accused of being moderate and scepter. i'm guilty. >> that guilty plea is not legally binding. hillary clinton has no convictions about anything. i think that's honorable for a
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presidential candidate. to have not gone to prison. >> when it comes to design features one of the most revolutionary things about hillary is something that has always been there. hillary is a woman. for over 200 years candidates only had one kind of connector. history's board is designed differently. she has a redrive. until now everyone thought the system was undeserve arbl anablo market for this. even though half the world has v-drives and we came out of a v-drive, you stupid [beep]. she is very hip. >> you play see i recently launched a snapchat attempt. i'm hilling out in cedar rapids. we have to get pokemon to the polls. >> hat is off. >> she caries hot sauce in her
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bag. you know who does that? beyonce. the new hillary clinton is exactly like beyonce in every way. surfboards. >> ultimately with a popular product, and i don't really care how you define popular, we need consistency and evolution. some things about hillary will never chang. >> 66% of americans don't think she's trustworthy. >> they think you're dishonest. >> he doesn't trust you. >> americans don't think you're honest. >> how did you get in this mess? your credibility is being questioned? >> i ask myself that every day. >> she's wise yet incredibly foolish. she's investigated yet mysterious. a former secretary, yet bad with e-mails. most importantly she's not donald trump. here is hillary herself. >> i will vote for actor y, not
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[cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show from the dnc. my guest tonight is chief national correspondent for the new york times magazine. please welcome mark leibovich, everyone. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: thank you, so much for being here. >> great to be here, trevor. trevor: is this night as momentous for you as hillary? you have covered this so long. >> more momentous for me then
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hillary. >> trevor: i'm glad you feel that way. >> no more momentous for hillary. but it's exciting. politics, this is a super bowl like occasion. this was historic. memorable. >> trevor: do you think it's historic because you think this could be america's last election? >> absolutely. will there be historians after like america ends -- >> trevor: trump. he will have twitter historians. >> the question is will be he able to block his tories like he blocks members of the press he doesn't like. >> trevor: it's crazy how he has engulfed the news. even on hillary ease big night she's addressing trump. she spends less time on policies than trump. that's the theme of the week. it's america versus trump. >> i think that's probably intentional. it's been a very, i wouldn't san
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convention. they have been welcoming to mainstream republicans. they feel it's essential to their collision. specially if trump takes traditional democratic voters. suburban cleveland, philadelphia and denver republicans are ripe for the picking. >> trevor: you know when you look at the people ripe for the picking. hillary clinton went through a lot with bernie sanders. do you feel it's rhetoric or has her campaign shifted to the left? will that translate into actual policy if she becomes president? >> i think it will. because of this campaign, if she's elected president. she will have the fear of the left in her. she will know he has to work with elizabeth warren and bernie sanders in the sen. >> adam: i think that's vital
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and effective for bernie sanders. [ applause ] >> absolutely. trevor: yes. >> i think to the degree she had to consolidate that support in this convention, she was pretty effective. i think bernie could of helped her by smiling more. he doesn't smile. >> trevor: he doesn't smile. >> it sends a message. trevor: he tried. i never seen bernie smile that much. >> you know he can smile more. i have seen him smile more. he can be a bit funny. you have had him on? >> trevor: no. funny. >> he can be funny, dry. trevor: bernie is now out of the race and endorsed hillary clinton. does the real journey begin now or is it over? they say most voters have decided. where does the race go to from here. >> i think the court ship of bernie and bernie supporters is on going. you don't snap your fingers and let a convention take care of it i think her more

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