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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  August 2, 2016 9:19am-9:53am PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> larry: yeah, thank you very much! welcome to "the nightly show." whoo! (audience chanting larry) thank you very much! so kind. i appreciate it. i'm larry wilmore. all right. it's time for the democrats to give us their reason why they think that nice black family should leave the white house. (laughter) i know it. yup, it's time to see what's happening with the unblackening. ♪ (screaming)
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>> larry: it always scares me. it always does. now, this country rarely agrees on anything, but i think we can all agree that last week's r.n.c. was a cluster (bleep). in fact, the convention was so bad that d.n.c. chairwoman debbie wasserman schultz tweeted to r.n.c. chair reince priebus during the convention, "hey, reince -- i'm in cleveland if you need another chair to help keep your convention in order." ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. well, that may have been a premature burn. >> d.n.c. chairwoman debbie wasserman schultz forced to step down after wikileaks released a trove of embarrassing private e-mails by d.n.c. executives. >> larry: looks like the burn-er has become the... one who got fired, apparently. run out of that joke analogy, already. (laughter) so this already was starting out to be a night of awkward.
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and for a while, it lived up to the billing. baltimore mayor stephanie rawlings-blake forgot to bang the gavel, then you had this congresswoman's quasi-twin-the-shining sister who came on stage for a shout-out but wouldn't leave -- it's a shout-out! go on! get! then you had crying guy in a peter pan hat -- i mean, get over it. stop crying. you're a boy for the rest of your life. that's what you wanted, that's what you got. but then, finally, somebody comes out on stage and hits it out of the park. >> cory booker: king pointed to the mountain top, kennedy pointed to the moon -- from seneca falls to those who stood at stonewall inn, giants before us said in a chorus of conviction, america, we will rise ." >> larry: damn cory booker! (laughter) you came out there swinging, quoting maya angelou, even
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pulling some church sweat dabbing. (laughter) (applause) >> and hillary clinton, well y'all know it! >> larry: mm-hmm, that's right, mm-hmm! take 'em to church, cory! that's right, rise! we will rise! (laughter) i've got to take this off for a second. that brother's not "that" excited about hillary, he just wants to be president. i can see what's going on there. he figures going in there, having his aught-four obama moment. (as cory booker) "i'm going to go out there, i'm going to kill it. i better hydrate, so i sweat properly. electrolytes, brother! this is how you become president! and the next day, i'm going to be the only one anyone's talking about!" >> i michelle obama was spectacular. >> amazing.
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>> amazing. >> show stopping speech. just brought down the house. >> the moment of the night. >> larry: i'm sorry, cory who? (laughter) oh, my god. michelle's speech was so overwhelmingly good, cory booker filed a police report claiming his thunder was stolen. (laughter) absolutely true. by the way... she didn't just steal his thunder, she pulled up in a van and straight-up jacked his thunder. >> i watch my daughters, two beautiful, intelligent black young women playing with their dogs on the white house lawn. and because of hillary clinton, my daughters and all our sons and daughters now take for granted that a woman can be president of the united states. >> larry: yeah, after that speech, a lot of people thought, that woman should be you! (laughter) (applause)
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(cheering) all right. okay. sorry. apologize. for more on last night's speeches, let's go to robin thede, who is live at convention headquarters in philadelphia. (cheers and applause) so, robin, what did you think about the lineup last night? >> first of all, michelle looked amazing! it's not about that. it's about respect. the speech! the speech was so incredible. she gave me my whole (clap) entire life, larry! >> larry: your whole entire life? what do you mean? >> her words! her words brought people together. she reset the whole tone of this election, larry! in her own words, "they go low, we go high!" ah! ah! (cheers and applause) she's a better speaker than barack, larry! they don't call her the closer for nothing! >> larry: okay, i get it. you really liked michelle. but what about the other speakers like elizabeth warren?
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>> who? oh, the lady who went after michelle? she was cool, but she should have gone before michelle because my first lady brought it. why can't michelle run for president? is it too late? or is it too soon? because everyone would vote for her. >> larry: okay, robin. you're a little obsessed with michelle right now. luckily, we also sent franchesca to the convention. maybe she did some actual reporting. franchesca, are you there? >> yes! i was here the whole night. i was covering the cory booker speech. >> larry: oh, great. any observations about that? >> got it all on my phone, larry... but i threw that once michelle started speaking! (cheering) she was (clap) amazing! >> wasn't she great?! >> yaaaas! when she said, "i wake up every day in a house that slaves built?..." >> i need to get a house that slaves built! (laughter) amazing. >> larry: ladies! ladies, please! nobody's getting a house that slaves built!
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the speech is the only thing you remember from last night? it was great, but it wasn't life-changing. >> what did he just say? >> let it go, girl. like michelle says, "when he goes low, we go high." >> girl, i'm-a get me a slave house. >> larry: robin thede and franchesca ramsey, everybody! nobody's getting a slave house! (cheers and applause) all right. so, anyhow, the night of michelle obama was all set up to showcase bernie sanders, who had the most awkward task of the evening -- to gently and inspirationally break up with his followers. >> i understand that many people here in this convention hall and around the country are disappointed based on her ideas and her leadership, hillary clinton must become the next
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president of the united states! (cheers and applause) >> larry: of course they're crying! he's literally dumping them on national television! "look, you love me, i love you, but we can't really date anymore... remember that person we hate? i want you to date her. so sanders supporters feel jilted, betrayed and even silenced. and to show their anger, many wore tape over their mouths during last night's speeches. since they felt their voices weren't heard, we're giving one supporter a chance to speak tonight, please welcome jackie miller (cheers and applause) so jackie, what's your end game here? flipping delegates? shaping the platform? >> mmrr mrrr hrrrm! >> larry: fair point, but "undecided" voters watching the convention might think, "the
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democrats are in chaos "-- >> mmrr mrrr hrrrm! mm hhr hrr. >> larry: okay. ted cruz did say "vote your conscience," and technically we do have more than two parties, but -- >> (disagreeing) mmrr mrrr... >> larry: you're right -- false equivalency. ha ha. you got me! >> mm hhr hrr. mmrr hrrm! >> larry: wow, that's a very nuanced analysis of the effects of a compromised political discourse. you really broke it down. so where are you with bernie right now? >> eh. >> larry: oh, so you feel that the promises he made of a revolution in the political arena are undetermined by supporting a candidate who seems to be the antithesis of that? >> mmm hmm. >> larry: so what'd you think of michelle obama's speech? >> she (claps) changed (clap) my (clap) life! i'm gonna get me a slave house!! >> slave house! slave house! >> larry: nobody's getting a slave house! jackie miller, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪
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>> larry: welcome back! after witnessing the r.n.c. last week, it's clear the future of the nation rests in the hands of hillary clinton. rear at revel red of apocalyptic (bleep) and we need you to keep us from imploding into the abyss, girl! listen, hillary! i'm serious! if you don't turn this around, drur donald trump could very well be president! people are nervous up in here! (laughter) but i met someone at the white house accordance dinner who
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could give you some kinds. welcome the white house political expert d. j. khaled! (cheers and applause) >> it's me, d. j. khaled! you me from major keys. major keys a success in the music business and in life and i got major keys' election, the election of success with hillary clinton. so y'all ready for some keys?! (cheers and applause) major key number one. due to debate being tight you know donald trump will fight dirty but if you swing with the upper cut and the knockout, you're going to be all right. major key number two! hillary, you're a boss now.
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when you're in the white house, this time you're not just the first lady. you're not just the secretary of state. you're the number one! you are that special -- major key! >> win, win, win no matter what! >> getting endorsed by barack, that's my guy! and that's a major key! but a little chirac to take the edge off is a nice vibe! major key number four! d. j. khaled the king of the anthems, the king of snapchat is officially endorsing hillary clinton. (cheers and applause) the president of the united states of america, we the best,
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major key d. j. khaled and hillary, do me a favor, go to itunes now and preview my album and comes out july 29. hillary, that's a major key! >> larry: d. j. khaled, everyone! we'll be right back! glj (cheers and applause) i'm anne howard and i'm michael howard. we left on our honeymoon in january 2012. it actually evolved into a business. from our blog to video editing... our technology has to hang tough with us. when you're going to a place without electricity, you need a long battery life. the touch, combined with the screen resolution... a mac doesn't have that. we wanted to help more people get out there and see the world. once you take that leap, that's where the magic happens.
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and no artificial colors, flavors and now no artificial preservatives. ♪ at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber. be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ♪ ding! hot pockets! >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor jordan carlos. "the nightly show" contributor franchesca ramsey. and his new ep "j'ouvert" comes out this september, you can hear the single "hendrix" now, award winning musician and producer wyclef jean! and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the #tonightly. michelle obama's speech was the best speech last night, but bernie sanders' was the most important. it was intended to unify the party, but it felt more like his breakup speech. how do you think he did?
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with his peeps, as they said in the e-mails. how do you think he did? does the party feel united or is it still -- >> it's going to get united. but it was really hard. looking at it, looked like bernie was giving the speech when you see the people crying. i was just, like, man, we need to legalize more weed, man. people are too emotional right now. >> larry: they're in the throws of the breakup. >> you make up to break up. it's almost like he was saying, now i can no longer be with you. i want to turn you over now. turn us over to who, man? go with her. that's what he was trying to do. it felt like a classic breakup machine. it's not me, it's the political machine... which you hear a lot of. it was sad. >> i'm not convinced it did
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anything to unify things. >> larry: like breakup sex? >> stages to breakup. there is denial, anger, bargaining. we saw a lot of that. he's, like, you're going to like it over there with her and people are, like, no, no, bernie! (laughter) >> i don't know if it's going to unify the party. i feel for the democrats, this feels like going to the post office, like you don't likely want to go, but you really have to if you want to get those zappos. so it's, like, ahhh! this is really difficult! and i hope they fee get it toge. i'm scared. >> there is contention right now. that's what it is. that's what a convention is. it's not coronation. listen, i love "frozen" as much as the next person, but it's not -- (laughter) oh, i guess "frozen" is not a popular movie! (laughter) >> larry: not for a man in his
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30s. >> i have a kid! (laughter) i'm not apologizing. >> larry: very fine movie. >> but you know what, though? >> at the end of the day, he did endorse her. what i want the millennials to understand is he goes back to the senate and he really shook up the system, and whether or not he's going to have power when he gets back in the senate to really change things, and i want them to at least understand what. so he's not divorcing y'all all the way. >> he shook up the platform, is that what you're saying? he definitely informed the platform. >> he uber-ed it up. the cab dudes are getting mad, man. (bleep). up in there with me, man. >> he druptd the whole thing. >> larry: what did you think when sarah silverman looked at the bernie bros and said, you're being ridiculous. >> she handled it like a
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heckler, like a comic dude. shut it down... it worked in the moment but those people don't want to be told -- >> can't we just agree? >> i agree with her that they were being ridiculous. they even booed bernie. the guys in the corner are, like, hey, queen, you have beautiful hair. and when i don't respond, they're, like, nappy-headed bitch! is that how you speak to your queen? (laughter) (applause) >> larry: you're just the queen! >> it's betrayal. >> that's so funny. >> larry: oh, my gosh. (laughter) now, the d.n.c. email hack revealed there was some questionable things going on. we talked to bernie. we had him on the show and i asked him months ago if he thought things were rigged against him and he thought so. but the odds against conspiracy... can we show a couple of them? some of the things said, wanting
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to present bernie as an atheist or these type of things, does the hack really hurt the democratic party or do you think people will forget about this? >> man, this is how i look at it -- the football is deflated, you feel me? (laughter) >> larry: is this a patriots analogy now? >> yeah, it is. (laughter) okay, we know, we slapped the hands and let's keep it moving because at the end of the day, it's super bowl time, it's two teams and you're going to have to go with one. was it wrong? yes, but we have to move on because we're in the brink of an election and it's either we're going to choose hillary clinton, you know what i mean, or spock. >> larry: there was a fighting practice and you're saying, yo, we have to play a game. >> it's not all going to be good. politics is dirty. i ran for president of haiti, y'all. >> lord, jesus!
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>> i'm just saying, this is light work here. (laughter) but all i could do, man, is i'm telling you -- remember, i told you this on the show, more e-mails are coming, so you can't let that distract you. that's going to come, you know what i'm saying? the russians are doing the dance -- we gonna send more to donald trump. >> i was going to say they were doing the bogo dance, but thank you, wyclef jean! >> larry: this will all be forgotten soon? >> it's politics. we have to move forward. a vote is emotional. that's what people have to understand. we have to move forward. it's going to be dirty. politics is dirty. we've seen dirty elections before, we've just never seen it on the reality show level. but definitely we have to move forward. i want people to understand, this is probably the most crucial election in these united states of america. i really want the millennials to definitely get that. >> larry: okay, so just get
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ready to get dirty, right? >> get ready to get dirty! >> dirty! (cheers and applause) >> larry: we'll be right back! ♪ >> if you live in the new york state -- new york city area or are planning to visit, grab free tickets to an upcoming taping of the "the nightly show." go to dale. dale! oh, hey, rob. what's with the minivan? it's not mine. i don't -- dale, honey, is your tummy still hurting, or are you feeling better to ride in the front seat? oh! is this one of your motorcycling friends? hey, chin up there, dale. lots of bikers also drive cars. in fact, you can save big if you bundle them both with progressive. i'd like that. great. whoo. you've got soft hands. he uses my moisturizer. see you, dale. bye, rob. well this is my equation for success. i developed the 4 p's. politeness, patience,
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practice and... promotion! heeyaw! heeyaw! ♪ adios, muchacho. [spraying & sniffing] [whip crack] [grumbling] [groaning] and that's how the deodorant commercial ended. [old spice whistle] at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber.
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>> larry: thanks to my panelists -- jordan carlos, franchesca ramsey and wyclef jean, and special thanks to d. j. khaled. i'm going to keep it 100. let's take a look. >> hey, larry, i realize i've never seen you without a suit and tie, so i was wondering, have you ever worn ladies'
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panties? keep it 100. >> larry: right now as we speak. (laughter) i've never worn ladies' panties. >> never? >> larry: no, not ever. i haven't. thanks for watching. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪ i from cleveland, home of the world's happiest native american.
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it's the 2016 republican nationarepublicannational conve. so mission accomplished. night four, the party's over. (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central thank you! thank you so much! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah. so we're done, people. we're done. our final night in cleveland, the republican national convention is over, and at this rate, pretty soon, the country will also be over. yesterday, donald trump spent his entire 75-minute speech pitching a horror movie about how a fictional america is a place where you should be afraid of everything. we had a whole show planned about trump, you know. we had him in, like, a jason mask, and we had all these jokes about that

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