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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  August 9, 2016 9:19am-9:53am PDT

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captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services. (cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: whoo! thank you very much! welcome to the show! (audience chanting larry) good to be back! please! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the nightly show"! i'm larry wilmore. as they are saying --
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(laughter) yes, man. so... after the exhausting drama of the republican and democratic conventions, "the nightly show" went on break last week -- and so, it seems, did donald trump's goddamn mind. (laughter) right? the man packed so much crazy into one week that our show tonight will be four hours. (laughter) someone tell hardwick we're going long. so let's get started. time for the unblackening. ♪ all right, nice version of that. very nice. (laughter) trump started his week by criticizing the muslim family of a u.s. war hero. he then doubled down on his insults. he then k.f.c. doubled down on his insults. seriously, eating k.f.c. with a knife and fork is no way to honor a fallen american colonel.
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i said it. i said it. (applause) okay? thank you. and as if offensive comments and petty tweets about the khan family didn't show enough disrespect for our military, just look what happened on tuesday when he got this fun new gadget. >> during a rally in virginia yesterday, trump said that he was handed a purple heart from a retired officer who supported him. >> trump: i said, man! that's like -- that's like big stuff. i always wanted to get the purple heart. this was much easier. (audience reacts) >> larry: "this was much easier"? donald, a purple heart is the highest honor bestowed to those are who were wounded or killed when serving our country. it isn't some toy prize you get in a mcdonald's happy meal - (laughter) nor is it the literal purple heart of beloved mcdonald's character grimace. right? (applause)
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still, after stealing this purple heart, the g.o.p.'s hamburglar went after one of our nation's most famous purple heart recipients. >> trump: you know, ever never been a big fan of john mccain and, uh, i just hate the way our veterans have been treated by john and other people. >> larry: he thinks five and a half years a p.o.w. john mccain is the person disrespecting veterans right now? you know what? (laughter) i've run out of words to call this fool an idiot or to call this idiot a fool. i can't -- you know -- here we go. so to help me out, we have a couple of u.s. veterans on our staff here for a new segment, "veterans who work at "the nightly show" respond to donald trump's disrespect of military because larry's run out of words." (cheers and applause) benari poulten and jonathan ginter.
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(cheers and applause) by the way, thank you for your service. guys, can you help me out? i've run out of words. >> ginter: no problem, larry. we've got you. >> benari: it's with honor that we bestow this special commendation upon donald trump. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> larry: thanks, guys. benari poulten and jonathan ginter, everybody! of course, last week, donald trump's grudge against john mccain led him to hold his endorsement for the arizona senator, as well as paul ryan, but after getting a stern talking-to from r.n.c. detention room monitor reince priebus, trump came around. >> trump: (reading) i support and endorse our speaker of the house paul ryan. while i'm at it, i hold in the highest esteem senator john
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mccain. (laughter) >> larry: honey, i love you. (stilted speech) we will be together forever. wife. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i tell you, guys, it's hard to tell when he seems the most crazy -- when he's reading from a script or when he goes off of it. right? here he is expertly displaying his non-grasp of foreign policy and geography when asked about putin. >> trump: he's not going into ukraine, okay, just so you understand. he's not going to go into ukraine. all right. you can mark it down. you can put it down. you can take it any way you want. >> reporter: well, he's already there, isn't he? >> trump: well, he's there in a certain way, but i'm not there yet... >> larry: you're not there yet? where's there?
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a basic level of intelligence and wareness of the world? you don't need security clearance to know this (bleep), you just need the newspaper, and not even a good one! (cheers and applause) that's right! you could stay at a days inn and deduce it from the pictures in a "usa today." come on! all right, guys -- so after an historically awful week, donald trump has dropped precipitously in the polls. his media surrogates have a lot to explain, but they always manage to avoid actually explaining anything. >> pundit: this is not what we should be talking about right now, victor. we should be talking about hillary clinton. >> the issue is not mr. khan and donald trump. the issue really is, uh, ya know, radical jiham -- radical islamic jihad. >> reporter: do you believe this election could be rigged? >> rudy giuliani: i think what he's talking about is the very unfair media coverage that republicans get. >> larry: see how they did that? this is what happens when you drink the trump kool-aid.
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it's like if you're in the position of having to defend jeffrey dahmer. "did jeffrey dahmer eat those people?" "you're asking me if it's fair to judge people based on an eating disorder? i don't think you want me to answer that ." (laughter) (applause) in other words, trump surrogates -- your candidate is a cannibal and should not be in charge of running the country. all right? to help us unpack this is trump's chief media strategist and on-air communications coordinator, stephanie spencer. (cheers and applause) so, stephanie, why isn't trump better informed on foreign policy? >> robin: if what you're asking me is why the clinton-obama foreign policy is so horrible, i think the american people want an answer to that as well. >> larry: okay. , no, no, no, no. okay, see, you just did it. that wasn't what i was asking you. you just changed the question! i'm not going to let you get away with this. just answer the simple question:
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why isn't trump better informed on foreign policy? >> robin: just so we're on the same page, your question to me is... >> larry: go ahead. >> robin: why. >> larry: yes. >> robin: isn't. >> larry: yes. >> robin: crooked hillary clinton answering questions about her e-mails? i agree with bernie sanders -- we need to know more about her damn e-mails! >> larry: that is not the question. i think you just refuse to answer anything. >> robin: november! >> larry: november? what? >> you just ask, when will donald trump win this election in an historic landslide? >> larry: i didn't just ask that! that's not even close to what i said! >> robin: i completely agree, larry! we're on the same page! what happened in benghazi was a tragedy, and hillary clinton still has not answered for it. >> larry: this is so frustrating! i never said that! let me try this: your candidate is such an enormously undisciplined (bleep) show, that
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you can't even engage in simple human back-and-forth communication because to do so would probably lead you to having to admit that there is absolutely no reason anyone should vote for donald trump. >> robin: 100%. i'm glad we see eye to eye on this, larry. >> larry: wait, you actually agree with me? >> robin: yes, just like you said, donald trump is the only candidate in this race who will make america great again! >> larry: i never said that! >> robin: january! >> larry: stop it! stephanie spencer, everyone! we'll be right back. you can't answer a question! (cheers and applause) sorry, just getting a quote on motorcycle insurance from progressive. yeah? yeah, they have safe rider discounts, and with total loss coverage, i get a new bike if mine's totaled. but how's their customer service? great. 24/7. just like here. meat loaf! [dings bell] just like here. anybody got a pack... that needs leadin'? serving all your motorcycle insurance needs.
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♪ >> larry: welcome back. it's now time for "the nightly show's" coverage of the 2016 olympic games in rio. ♪ (laughter) >> larry: so far, the olympics have had something for everyone. there was a greased-up tongan, which also happens to be the most searched phrase on craigslist "casual encounters." there was a kayaker allegedly hit by a floating couch on rio's famed garbage river, the world's most famous straight-line walker walking in a straight line and michael phelps looking like a human twister mat. if you're wondering why he showed pictures from the olympics instead of footage, it's because we're not allowed to. in fact, the international olympics committee won't even allow us to show the olympic rings. so for the rest of our coverage, we'll be showing this logo that our graphics department made
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from onion rings. (applause) hey, man, that's how we t do it. come and sue us, you i.o.c. blood suckers! one of the great things about the olympics is that it brings all these countries together. joining us now with an american perspective on the olympics is typical american tank mancusso, live from brazil. (cheers and applause) >> hi, larry. >> larry: how are you enjoying the olympics so far? >> rory: oh, man, it's awesome! this is just what america needs to take our minds off the presidential election. i'll tell you what, our athletes are making america great again by beating the hell out of other countries! it's like the vietnam war all over again! we just come here and dominate. that's how we do! >> larry: not sure that's the best example.
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>> it's, like, the best one, but whatever. >> larry: so what's your favorite story of theo links so far? for me, it has to be the fact that an all-refugee team is competing in the games. >> rory: wow, you just won the gold in boring. >> larry: okay, well what about the 41-year-old woman from uzbekistan who's competing in her seventh olympics, making her the oldest female gymnast ever? (cheers and applause) >> rory: larry, are you sure she's 41 years old, or is she just an uzbeki 22? i mean, seriously, larry. it's hard living over there. no dentists. it's like lord of the rings over there, larry, i'm telling you. those people, i don't know. >> larry: but that's why it's an inspiring story! because they have it so rough! >> rory: yeah, it's inspiring me to turn the channel. come on! that's a good friggin' joke! (laughter) u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! i hear them from brazil. >> larry: is that a turkey leg? >> rory: yeah, they got a
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killer boston market over here! (laughter) you know, when in rome! >> larry: when in rome? boston market's from here! that's not when in rome! you went all the way to brazil and that's what you get? boston market? >> a little gamey. a little gamey. look, larry -- they've got the best friggin' food over here, man. not lying, dude. besides boston market, they got bubba gump's, they got arby's, they got chipotle's. so boom. >> larry: those are all american places! >> rory: not chipotle. that's mexican. that's from here. that's from here. (applause) >> larry: you know, not everything has to be about america. you have such a great opportunity to just take in some different cultures and stories. there's nothing wrong with rooting for our country, but isn't there anything you can take away that isn't american?
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>> rory: actually, i have one story. this is a heart warmer, so brace yourself. so i'm in the bathroom, and there's another guy in there. he's white, but like weird-white, like eastern european, like stone-washed jeans. >> larry: okay, i got it. so what happened? >> forehead's big, you know, weird. >> larry: okay. >> rory: so we're in the bathroom, taking a whiz next to each other, he's like east berlin, i'm american. it was great. and i'm thinking, like, that is what the olympics is all about. 70 years ago, our grandpas are killing each other, and here we are whizzing next to each other. huh? come on. that is beautiful. that is beautiful. (laughter) >> larry: that's it? >> it's a good story! >> larry: your hot whiz story, that's your biggest takeaway from the olympics? that you were whizzing next to a weird white guy?
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>> better than an old bladey. whatever. oh! did i mention boston market? they do this crazy form thing here where they mix rice and beans -- and it counts as one side! total culture shock. >> larry: all right, tank mancusso, obsessed american, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ (yelling)
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♪ (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. "the nightly show" contributor robin thede. and his new album "quality street music 2" is out now, and he's currently on tour now with snoop dogg and wiz khalifa, d. j. drama. (cheers and applause) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the #tonightly. okay. last week, trump put his foot in it again. he took someone's purple heart, hypocritically endorsed john mccain and paul ryan and even wondered why we don't use nuclear weapons more often.
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>> yeah. >> larry: i've s.a.t. id before and i have been proven wrong, but am i finally right -- is this the end of donald trump or will i be proven wrong again? >> he wouldn't have gotten this far if this was the end of donald trump. h he's got more to prove to us (laughter) >> larry: do you think there is more support there? >> well, i mean, the purple heart, i think the barney supporters will come out. purple and barney and trump supporters, that's only thing they have to do with each other. >> even if it's the undoing of him, his supporters are not ready to give up. they're in a relationship with their deadbeat boyfriend and don't want to hear i told you so from america so they're not going to bring it up to him, they're going to cling to him. >> this is like michael myers, he can't (bleep) stay down. (laughter) the more i watch this election,
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the more i feel like we're caught up in one big episode of "punk." i think ashton kutcher's going to pop out and go, i got you! >> i think it's like freddie. >> he won't stay down! >> larry: is there an october surprise coming? do you think he can do anything or is there something that he's got up his sleeve? >> like what? >> larry: i don't know, it -- >> looks like every time hillary is fixing to run away with it she does something dumb like lie. >> i think the country is used to that, though. >> yeah, donald trump never lies! that's crazy. >> but everybody expects donald trump to lie, but hillary clinton, listen, she came in with that rap she's a liar and then she lies! >> she cam in with a rep of being a politician. >> no, she came in with a rep of
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being trustworthy and she lies to us. >> she needs to embraes it. >> trump embraces his do you dos all the time. >> larry: hillary clinton lies for political expediency. donald trump is a pathological liar. he would lie about breakfast. he would lie about anything. hillary clinton lies the way all politicians do. >> i'm sorry, but i don't have a favorite type of liar! (applause) >> there is no political experience with donald trump. >> he has none. >> i'll like a lie with political experience over a lie with no political experience. >> the types of liars? >> larry: it's reality! >> we can change reality, man! >> larry: no, we can't.
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>> by writing in your choice? >> whatever, but we don't have to accept that. what kind of world is this? >> a (bleep) one. >> if you gained a little weight and you put on your favorite shirt and it's a little tight, you ask your girl, baby, do i look good, do you want her to tell you the truth? >> i will be butt naked on the beach. >> i'm saying i agree with you, i think that politicians by nature are going to lie to us. they've got to seem trustworthy because they have to please a bunch of different interests. i'm not saying hillary clinton's lying is okay but i am saying donald trump lies for personal reasons that have nothing to do with the good of america. (applause) >> i'm going one step further. he is a narcissisting sociopath, a pathological liar with the temperament of a three-year-old.
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vladimir putin praised him and trump said, he's my friend! (laughter) >> it's crazy because trump can't help himself anymore. he's in detroit today and he said, detroit is run by democrats all the way through -- or michigan is run by democrats! michigan has a republican governor and republican majority in congress, house and senate. that'sin google-able! (laughter) >> larry: do you think any chance there is a bait and switch? >> unfortunately, no. >> larry: do you think that would have happened? >> i think if they would have did it they would have did it, already. this is a candidate i don't think they're very happy about. they say by god what has social media done to the world to have a guy like donald trump. >> larry: you blame social media? >> yeah, if it weren't for social media, a man like him wouldn't have gotten this far.
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and a lot of angry americans over barack obama president for eight years. so we'll try to go as far right as possible. >> larry: the unblackening runs deep. >> yeah, people shouldn't be surprised. >> do you think if they took donald trump off twitter he could still win? >> larry: nice. >> he would probably go to snapchat or something. >> myspace. (laughter) >> larry: i wish his candidacy was on snapchat so we could just go, poof! >> yes! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> if you live in the new york city area or are black to visit, grab free tickets to "the nightly show." go to the i had that dream again -- that i was on the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600,
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but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi. well, i feel better. it's been five minutes. talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay. let's start over here compwith this aluminum bed.eds. you put your toolbox up here... whoa! that's a big hole. that is unbelievable. now let's check out the roll formed steel bed of the silverado. same spot, same empty toolbox.
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♪ adios, muchacho. [laughs] [spraying & sniffing] [whip crack] [grumbling] [groaning] and that's how our town was freed. and i remember thinking, this would make a strange deodorant commercial. [old spice whistle]
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>> larry: thanks to my panelists -- mike yard, robin thede and d. j. drama. thanks for watching. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪
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good evening, welcome back to our coverage of the 2016 summer games. >> the next event is the men's 100 meter satirical newscast, right now all eyes are on trevor noah. >> uh-huh t say long road to get here. let's see how the young south african does in a field normally dominated by white men. >> unfortunately, that's not the case any more. >> certainly. >> doh. >> oh, let's play that back. >> clearly taking the week off made him rusty. >> he completely misses the chair. >> do they not have chairs in south africa? >> oh god, a mos


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