tv The Daily Show Comedy Central August 11, 2016 1:37am-2:08am PDT
- you... you guys okay? - yeah, i think so. - man, that new version must've sucked balls. [cheering, marching band music] - today is a day of celebration. and we owe it all to these four brave young boys. - yeah! - all right! - and thanks to the bravery of this young man in particular, hat mccullough is finally free from prison. [cheering] - what? [chanting] hat! hat! hat! hat! hat! hat! - thank you, everyone-- kill--kill the innocent! uh, i'm so thankful for all your support--rape the virgin! and uh, i just wonder if i could get a baby real quick? - sure, give that man a baby. all: yeah! - come on, you guys, let's get outta here. - oh, my god! - do you think we did a good thing, stan?
i mean, no one even seemed to notice. - yeah, well, sometimes the things we do don't matter right now. sometimes they matter later. we have to care more about later sometimes, you know? i think that's what separates us from the steven spielbergs and george lucases of the world. - that and youth-- those guys are old. - but what about the original prints of raiders of the lost ark? what if somebody else takes them and tries to change them? - don't worry, tweek, it's somewhere safe, somewhere where nobody will ever find it. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com
comedy central >> the 2016 daily show summer games. >> welcome back to day three of the daily show summer games coverage. west last night michael phelps took home two gold medals bringing his career total to 216789 it's not surprising. this guy is built for swimming. >> you are telling me, those broad shoulders, the arms, the washboard abs. he has that thing look a capital v points right down to his fun zone, what is that thing called? >> i don't-- i don't know. >> oh, man. how do you even get that thing? >> well, if i had to guess i would say dedication to fitness along with a good diet. >> isn't there a pill you can take or you know, crush up and snort off your cleaning lady's back? >> hell if i know. i go to the beach, i take my shirt off, people think i'm a walrus. they throw sardines at me. >> free sardines, lucky man. >> anyway let's go to trevor
noah in position at the fake news desk for the 30 minute comedy dash. >> august 10th, 2016, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york. this is the daily show with trevor noah. (applause). >> trevor: thank you so much, everyone, welcome to the daily show. welcome, everybody, i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight author of the book invisible man got the whole world watching. mychal denzel smith is joining us he will be on the show. i'm excited about that. but first, it's been just 24 hours since we last did one of these shows. that's not a lot of time. and yet there were so many things that can happen in the world. an olympian can win his 21s gold medal. a beautiful team of diverse young women can inspire a planet. nations that previously feuded can find common ground. oh, and donald trump--
(laughter) there is always something about donald trump. >> donald trump is dealing with the fallout over what many perceived as a threat of violence against hillary clinton. >> hillary wants to abolish, essentially abolish the second amendment. by the way, and if she gets
to pick-- if she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. although the second amendment people, maybe there is, i don't know. but-- . >> trevor: holy [bleep]! no matter how many times i watch that, i still can't believe it. donald trump suggested that people with guns do something about hillary. a statement that has baffled the entire country. especially the secret service. who must be thinking to themselves, are you [bleep] me right now? because think about it, this is the first presidential campaign in history where the secret service has had to protect candidates from each other.
(laughter) think about, t, the hillry comment and earlier on it was a time when jeb needed wedgie protection from trump. this is one campaign. this is so serious that even trump supporters couldn't believe what they were hearing. like look at the man in the red shirt behind trump. look at his face. (laughter) yeah. you see that face? that's the old white guy equivalent of oh no he didn't! (applause) that man is shocked. trump supporters are shocked. do you know how hard it is to shock a trump-- these are the same people who have heard their candidates say bing bing bong bong and thought to themselves, that is what we need in the white house. they are shocked. and now after that speech, donald trump said that everyone in the room understood what he meant. the only problem is he's not running for president of that room. and so everyone outside of the room is trying to figure out what the hell he meant. >> misunderstood or out of line.
>> it's very clear with donald trump was implying. wreck violence against hillary clinton. >> he didn't wall tor hillary clinton to be assassinated. >> maybe trying to make a joke. >> it is not a joke. >> are you not going to use a joke defense. >> it's not clear. >> he wasn't talking about implementation of policy. he was talking about what would happen if hillary clinton were to be elected, and he was absolutely right. >> i'm speechless because i'm trying to follow your logic here, katrina and i'm having a hard time. >> trevor: well, you see, that's your first mistake. trying to combine logic with the trump campaign. yeah, you know who doesn't do that? donald trump. he just rides the wave of crazy and sees where it takes him. mexicans did the moon. what does that even mean. i don't know, it just felt right. (laughter) so in the situation, there's two basic schools of thought. either this was a wry comment about shooting a future
president, or it was a call to voter action. and no one can agree. was it a joke or was it serious. and you know what i realized today, i realized that this is the dress. this is the dress all over again. (laughter) yeah, you guys remember the dress. (applause) you remember that. we were all seeing the exact same thing. but we couldn't agree on what color it was. because obviously it was white and gold but then half of the planet saw it as blue and black because they had like a brain tumor or something. and that dress almost destroyed the world. i remember the pain, families were torn apart. there are friends who still don't speak to this day because of that dress. i even gave my baby away. (laughter) da da, disa da, blue and black. >> you're not my son. the point is, every time donald trump speaks it's the dress. we're all trying to figure out
what the hell it is. and no one can agree, which is entertaining for an instagram meme but it's not good for a commander in chief. one of the most basic qualities of a president is that we know what they mean. the last thing you need, the last thing you need is a foreign leader going, is he-- is he nuking us? is he nuking-- unless it was a joke but no president would ever joke about nukes-- would they? would they? is that a-- i don't know, better safe than sorry. i mean just-- (laughter) why would you-- i mean now, now-- now normally politicians only get to have interpreters when they are traveling overseas. but donald trump, he needs one for his own country. >> the trump campaign responded to the backlash with a statement titled on dishonest media. >> it's called the power of union if i kaition, second amendment people have amazing spirit and are tremendously unified which gives them great political power. and this year they will be voting in record numbers. >> trevor: oh, of course. it all makes sense now.
the second amendment people have an extremely powerful weapon, votes. (laughter) which they shoot out of their guns. (laughter) and you know what, i'm not buying it. i believe donald trump was making a joke. and then because of the backlash, his team is trying to play it off as something else. but i know a joke when i see one. more importantly, i know a standup comedian when i see one. yeah, because i'm a standup comedian. donald trump is a standup comedian. you see it every single time he is on the stage. he rips, he roasts, he does some impersonations, he is a standup coming edian. it is just you never looked at it that way before. >> i'm not eating oreos any more, you know that. but neither is chris. you're not eating oreos any more. >> anthony weiner, you know the little bing, bing, binge, bong, bong, bong. >> i never attacked him on his looks, and believe me there is
plenty of subject matter right there. >> it move this way. it moves that way. >> what would you want your secret service code name to be. >> humble. >> here's the problem with rubio. when you sweat that much-- the guy walks in and he's soaking wet and sweating. hello. hello, can i have some water. >> it's rubio. (laughter). >> trevor: you see? you see. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: he's a comedian. he's a standup comedian. we were all spending so much time focusing on his racism and sexism and xenophobia and threats to democracy that we missed all the jokes. and there's a reason we missed all the jokes. because they weren't in the place where jokes belong. because if you take the things that donald trump has said and you put them in a comedy setting, then it makes a bit more sense. >> if she gets to pick her
judges, nothing you can do, folks. although the second amendment people, maybe there is, i don't know. >> trevor: oh, oh! you see it works. it works. although, okay, although let's be honest here. there would never be black people at a trump show, but still it works, it works. so look, trump may be a standup comedian. the only problem is trump supporters are not a comedy audience. because for some reason, they think that they have come to see someone who wants to run the country. and they are not joking around. >> [bleep] islam. >> what president has divided the this country. >> [bleep]. >> hillary clinton needs to get her ass [bleep]. >> i'm sure that paper work
comes in spanish. >> the immigrants, they live together. whooo! >> whooo! >> trevor: the wounds whooo! suck the gravitas out of any moment. i only regret that i have but one life to lose for my country. whooo! doesn't work. undermines everything you are trying to saivment because here is the thing, people, donald trump and his team can say those are just words, those are just words, and they're right, those are just words. remember the time trump said these words. >> so if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? seriously. >> trevor: just words, right. and then about five weeks later, somebody said these words. >> the protester being led out of a north carolina rally appeared to be sucker punched by a trump supporter. >> trevor: you see, when you are a presidential candidate with a passionate group of supporters, people tend to listen to you. so here's what i think we need
to do with donald trump. we need to put him away. put him away in some underground windowless room, right? that's what we need to do. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: and then, and then we need to build a wall. (laughter) an exposed brick wall with a mic and a crowd, where he can kill, just not people. and you know what, i think if that wall kept him focused on comedy and out of the white house, then that's a wall that i'm sure mexico would pay for. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: we'll be right >> trevor: we'll be right back. how does wendy's make fries that are worthy of the name baconator? start with thick applewood smoked bacon. add cheddar and creamy cheese sauce to natural cut fries seasoned with salt from the actual sea. and that's wendy's baconator fries just $1.99 for a limited time. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider the pioneers drank.
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these new fruit of the loom breaare perfect.wear they need a name just as perfect. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. fruit of the luge. thank you marvin. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. uhh... no. we're going to call it new breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom. big kat break! ♪ ♪ (explosion) (crash) (roar) have a break, have a kit kat! games. (cheers and applause) >> welcome back to the 2016 summer gamesk i'm jordan klepper. >> and i'm. >> we don't have time for that. of course we just saw the big story out of the games today. donald trump said second amendment people could do something to stop hillary clinton. >> now a a lot of folk, jordan,
thought trump meant busing a cat in that ass. >> for our suburban audiences. >> shooting her. >> thank you. but not all of trump supporters heard it that way. which brings us to today's pain event. >> the let me explain what donald trump really meant gymnastics. >> yeah. i love this, the way these trump surrogates slip all over the-- flip flip all over the place. this event has always been a fan favorite. let's see, this is our first competitor here, this is congressman duncan hunter and he is coming to the floor now to explain what donald trump really meant. >> i think that he can be inarticulate at times. so let's say that he was an english professor with a ph.d in gramar, then i think that we could go through it this way and dissect what he said, dit lal-- literal leigh based off the sequence that he said that. but i'm not doing that with mr. trump. >> now that. >> yes. >> that is an impressive move, jordan. duncan hunter saying it's not fair to say what donald trump says based on the sequence that
he says it. >> yes. and the rest of us call that language. but you know, what do i know. i don't have a ph.d in grammar. >> that's not a real thing. >> not true, for 20 grand you can get one from trump university. (applause) >> very true. that's very true. now sorry to cut you off, jordan. but we have to go on to the next competitor making their way to the mat. congressman peter king from new york is going to explain what donald trump really meant. >> i interpreted it as something a guy says over the shoulder who is wrong. he shnt have said it. >> what do you mean by an over the shoulder comment? what was he referring to when he said that? >> i don't even know. and i don't know if donald trump does. >> wow. wow. >> all right, so you can't get mad at donald trump because he has no idea what he is doing. an excuse rarely used for adult human beings. >> you hear it more for dogs. >> yeah. >> i had a dog that took a dump in my shoe one time. you know, i couldn't get mad at
him because he didn't know what he was doing. he didn't know that he took a dump in a checker's edition jordan that you had been keeping in the box for years, mint condition, the 72 and 10 that gods damn dog knew what he was dock. he knew. >> right? we good. right, yup. >> he knew! >> you know, let's go back to tv six the landing. >> is are you saying he was nej in saying, absolutely he should take it back. but that is different, i go back to this again, when cops are being killed and the democratic party. >> hold on a second. let's play the clip right now. >> oh, what a sloppy dismount. who knows what meant but it was a mistake and democrats hate the police? it's like-- like he panicked and started babbling talking points, democrats bad, jesus good, real baby drill. what do you think, roy? roy? >> those shoes had a street value of $1100.
>> you got to let it go. let it go. buddy, let it go. let it g all right, coming up next, a real star performer, rudy giuliani. >> we know donald trump is not particularly indirect. donald trump is going to say something like that, he would say something like that. what he intended was that they should vote against them with. a crowd like that, is that what they thought he meant. >> whoa! anyway, giuliani basically just said if donald trump wants to shoot hillary clin tone that mother [bleep] would have just said it outright. >> and he said if trump did suggest killing hillary, those monster was go ape [bleep] and tear the stadium apart in support. even rudy is terrified of those animals. whooo! >> best performance. >> easily the best performance. >> oh, well that wraps it up. >> actually, trump had has a press conference tomorrow at 11:00. >> oh, good chance will you see us back here tomorrow at noon. >> after the break our coverage
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(cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show, my guest say new york times best selling author whose book is called "invisible man, got the whole world watching" a young black man's education. please welcome mychal denzel smith. (applause) welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: thank you for being here. i am a fan of your writing. >> thank you. >> trevor: you are quite the anarchist. you are one of those people who is not afraid to advocate for radical change within a system. but i guess let's go to the beginning of the story. how you got into writing. you are a 25 year old man and living in a world where you had witnessed one of the most notorious police shootings at
the time. and you decided to write a book. you wanted to connect with millenials. >> i'm 25 years old. and we are all seeing the death of trayvon martin circulate through social media. and it's not as if this was new, right? in 2009 we had what was sort of the modern day rodney king moment for a lot of us when oscar grant, his killing was captured on video and it was passed around through twitter and stuff. so it is not as if this was a new phenomenon. but that moment galvanized a lot of people. and i think it was because you had a generation that turned out to vote for bar action o-- barack obama. young black people showed newspaper record numbers to vote for barack obama. they turned their political energy toward the electoral system, the ideas of hope and change. and here is the thing, here is the history that we were told was over, happening to us. and so all of these things come and converge and i knew what the conversation was going to be
about, after tray von-- trayvon died. it was going to be about the ways in which we teach black men to exort themselves, right. the ways in which they are supposed to avoid being killed. but that one-- it denies the humanity of those people that were supposed to be caring for. >> trevor: and that's something you really tackled in the book which was beautiful to see. you are talking about your own life experiences. you are a young black man and at the time you were 25 when i started writing. was there a part of you that genuinely did not believe you would see 25? >> oh, absolutely. >> trevor: now there are people who say yeah, but that is because you young black men, the gangs. you and the gangs. >> and that's certainly a part of the violence that surrounds us. but we have to examine where that violence comes from and what is the root causes of that, right. like we're not examining poverty. we're not examining lack of educational resources. not examining the lack of mental
health resources in our communities. i also, you know, came of age post 9/11 and the iraq war. like i thought maybe i could get sent off to war and die there. i thought police officers, and then you know george zimmerman kills trayvon martin and now you have to worry about people who think they're police officers. there are all of these different element at play contributes to that anxiety, that your life is devalued in a way that it could end at any moment. >> you talk about, i think it was marine recruiters coming up to you, in the book. i think you were working at wal-mart at the time t is a really funny story about. >> about how i cursed them out. >> trevor: also cursing them out but mychal had to work, you had to pack a lot of watermelon. >> yes. >> trevor: one of my favorite lines in the book where you said i was-- i defied the stereotype of a blackman because i hated [bleep] watermelon. >> i hated it at that moment. i love watermelon now but i
hated watermelon then. >> trevor: in south africa, africa, there is nothing negative about loving watermelon. i don't understand. i was just like yeah, but why wouldn't you love watermelon. >> why wouldn't you love watermelon trk is delightful, refreshing. >> trevor: how did that even become a slur. >> also, you cannot tell me that the watermelon industry is propped up only by black people in america. some one likes watermelon somewhere. >> everyone loves watermelon, everyone loves watermelon. >> trevor: there you go. you say you want young people especially, everyone but young people to read this book, and go out there and [bleep] up. >> yes. >> trevor: that was your quote. >> yes. >> trevor: do you think done all trump read your book? (laughter) because it feels like that is what he is trying to do. >> i'm trying to stay away from second amendment people myself. (applause). >> trevor: because they have a powerful vote. they've got a powerful vote, my friend. smart choice. invisible man, got the whole
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