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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  August 15, 2016 9:13am-9:47am PDT

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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much! thank you very much! welcome to "the nightly show." please have a seat. please, thank you, thank you
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very much. yes, i'm larry wilmore. thanks, i appreciate that. "larry! nobody else is saying it." i'm pharrell williams. by the way, miss u.s.a. deshauna barber, joins us on the panel tonight. u.s.a.! okay, tonight i want to dedicate this first act to talking about a subject that i don't think we pay enough attention to because of the craziness of our world. i'm talking about wildlife. now, it's upon us to be stewards of these creatures who have no-- i'm just kidding. we're talking about trump! ( cheers and applause ) come on, guys! it's trump! all right! roll the unblackening! ( laughter ) okay, funny story. a couple weeks ago, we were all
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saying "man, trump just criticized the family of a fallen soldier? what? there's no way he could do anything worse than this." he did. >> hillary wants to abolish, essentially abolish the second amendment. if she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. although, the second amendment people, maybe there is. i don't know." >> larry: yup, that's right. donald trump not so subtly hinting that gun rights activists should do something about hillary clinton. really? you're joking about your political opponent being whacked. guys, i used to think rational, well-intentioned people could be on opposite sides of the aisle and intelligently debate the merits of both governing philosophies. but you know what? at this point, if you vote for trump, you're just a dick, seriously. ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. sorry.
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i hope you get destroyed by a horse-sized duck. how about that? ( cheers and applause ) no, horrible. it's an inside joke. i apologize. no, because there's no possible way this can be misinterpreted. okay, let's hear from trump's chief spokesgoblin, katrina pierson, and join me as i watch in amazements the ( bleep ) pours out of her mouth. >> mr. trump was saying exactly what he said. he was talking about hillary clinton and gun control. >> but, katrina, he was talking about what second amendment activists could do to stop her if she won. >> well, no, that's actually not what he was talking about. >> larry: okay, let me stop you right there. (bleep) you. that is what he was talking about. i don't care how convoluted your explanation is. we're not stupid. we can hear! stop trying to explain him away. but it wasn't just her trying to force feed us this turd taco. >> you're treating mr. trump's
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words like he is the most articulate person who's ever graced our ears with his words, and that is not true. so, let's say he was an an english professor with a ph.d. in grammar. ( laughter ) >> first of all, you can't get a ph.d in a subject that's taught in the fifth grade. ( laughter ) that's like getting a bachelors of science in kickball, or something. and, second, just to be clear, your argument is that trump is so incoherent, he can't be held accountable when his words might constitute a federal crime? and, of course, what defense of trump would be complete without the human embodiment of impotent rage himself, rudy giuliani. >> you know how speeches go. he was talking about how they have the power to keep her out of office. the first time that any of us had any idea that, that is way it was interpreted is when the clinton spin machine interpreted it that way. the clinton spin machine spun it out. >> "clinton spin machine"? that sounds like a line bill
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would have used in the 90s: "hey, you wanna ride the clinton spin machine?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm just sayin'. i'm just sayin'. sounds like it. we're maybe doing those jokes for the next eight years. that's really sad. but once again, it's acting like we can't hear something, like he's blaming us for hearing exactly what trump said. here's what gets me about this. giuliani is here diminishing the power of trump's words, but he's not always so calm about language. >> we've had, from on top, a lot of divisiveness and a lot of anti-police rhetoric. there's a target on police officers' backs is because of groups like black lives matter that make it seem like all police are against blacks. >> larry: oh, so when trump calls for the violent death of his opposition, that's just clinton spin. but when it's black lives matter, they're literally killing people with the power of their hypnotizing negro language. look, the difference between a
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random protester and someone running to be the leader of the free world is that once you're president, everything you say has meaning. i'll show you how this works. okay, look, here at "the nightly show," i'm the boss. i'm kind of the president of this show, if you will. right, you know what i mean. now, rory albanese is my executive producer. >> how's it going, larry? great show so far, boss. >> larry: thanks, rory. >> killing it, killing it. >> larry: now, i might be a little upset at rory one day just talking off the top of my head: "man, i can't stand rory. sometimes i wish somebody would just make him go away." now, because i'm the boss and i have influence, those words mean something. ( yelling ) >> larry said you needed to die! >> stop it! stop it! >> larry: holly, holly! leave him alone. it was just words. >> oh, i'm so sorry, larry. your words are so
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powerful. >> larry: thank you. >> you know, i was influenced. >> larry: exactly. >> you know what, holly, when you put it that way, it's fair what you did. >> larry: good job, guys. good job. >> larry: that's the power of my words. stop being so careless with your language. all right, here to explain himself is donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) all right, okay. thanks for coming, donald. now i have to ask you correctly, did you or did you not basically call for the assassination of hillary clinton yesterday? >> come on, larry. did i use the word "assassination"? no, i mean, come on. i just said there was something people who believe in the, you know, the good amendment, the one with the guns. >> larry: the second amendment?
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>> leave it to a black to know everything about guns. unbelievable typical, okay. i just said there was something people who believe in the second amendment could do-- get out to vote, or write letters, or do whatever heavily armed, angry mobs do. okay, whatever that is. okay, it's a free country, no thanks to obama. but i'm supposed to guess what they're going to do. come on, give me a break. >> larry: i feel like you know exactly what you meant, and my fear is that they knew exactly what you meant. >> come on, look. it was a joke. i get it. you don't know what a joke is. believe me, i've watched this show, complete disaster. but i'm an entertainer. look, i'll write a joke right now. it's going to be hilarious. here we go. knock, knock. >> larry: oh god. >> knock, knock. >> larry: fine. who's there? >> excuse me, don't sprupt. >> larry: i want to answer, donald. did you or did the you not
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basically call for the the assassination of hillary clinton? >> i'm tired of this political correctness in america today. back in the day a politician could straight up shoot a political rival, and i know because i saw that in "black hamilton" okay. >> larry: black hamilton? first of all, it's just called "hamilton." and that's your takeaway that we're too politically correct today and we should be shooting people we disagree with. >> that would be great. >> larry: no! >> don't put words in my mouth, larry. i'm joking or improperly implying one thing while meaning another. it's called being entertaining. >> larry: okay, fine. when are you going to stop trying to be entertaining and start trying to be presidential? >> when i become president, okay. that way, whatever i do is going to be presidential, okay? stupid question. >> larry: donald trump, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (lionel) ♪it's peyton...
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what do you call deliciously smooth, creamy yogurt that comes in over 25 amazing flavors and packs 6 grams of protein per serving? yoplait original. the family favorite. yoplait. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. president obama recently shortened the sentences of 214 federal inmates, mostly nonviolent drug offenders who are predominantly african american. it's part of his effort to reduce america's prison population, reform sentencing laws, and i don't know, maybe scare a few white people. have no idea. but our conspiracy expert, mike yard, thinks there's more to this than meets the eye, which means it's time for "the y files." ( cheers and applause )
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so, mike, aren't you happy that those inmates, most of whom are black men, can finally get out of jail? >> beep, beep, beep! time to wake up, "unaware-y wilmore"! okay, freedom ain't free! the president's not doing it for justice! obama's freeing the prisoners... to make his own 'suicide squad'! drink it in, my brother. chug-a-lug. >> larry: why the the hell is it the president need a suicide squad? >> that is his way to get a third term, larry! i'm waiting for you to go pswh. >> larry: presume is going to credit a suicide squad to get a third term. how does that make sense? >> how else do you explain donald trump. >> larry: that does not explain donald trump. there are sunday of way to explain donald trump-- hike, how are you going to put all this together? >> you know, you win the gold
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medal in the the schmoelympics, my brother. the president has busted his ass for eight years,s he's not ready to go. he releases a black convict, his suicide squad, on one condition-- they steal the constitution, and edit it, so obama can have a third term, put it back, he runs again. people are like, "you can't do that! that's unconstitutional!" he goes, "uhh have you read the constitution lately, because now it says 'yes i can'! boom! ( cheers and applause ) are you seeing it? >> larry: mike, that is absolutely nuts. look elook, i can't stand trump, but there's no way in hell that barack obama is creating this level of national chaos so he can edit the constitution to stay in office! >> oh, okay, i see how it is! you meet the president one time
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and call him your nigga, so now you're the expert, okay! >> larry: mike, please don't bring that up. no! i'm saying your theory makes absolutely no sense, but i know you're going to try anyway. >> pull the bar all the way down, my brother. you're in for the ride of your life! shortening prison sentences-- sentences, nouns and verbs. verbs are action words, action comics. suicide squad-- criminals with nothing to lose. d.c. comics-- d.c. obama, who killed bin laden. plunged into the sea-- nestea plunge. ice t-- "law and order." who's the "law and order" candidate? donald j. trump. >> larry: no, no. >> the anti-reagan. who's reagan's chief of staff? james baker iii-- third-term president. whaaaaat? whaaaaat? >> larry: mike, i don't even know what to say about all that. >> i know, it's airtight, isn't it? >> larry: it is not. >> but all of this is just a smokescreen for what i really want to talk about, that
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pharrell williams is an immortal vampire. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: okay, now that i actually believe. mike yard, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor jordan carlos. ( cheers and applause ) and "nightly show" contributor grace parra. ( cheers and applause ) and not only is she the current miss u.s.a.
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she's the first woman actively serving in the united states army reserve to win the title, deshauna barber. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightly show, using the hashtag #tonightly. okay. yesterday, trump basically suggested the assassination of hillary clinton. please take a look. >> hillary wants to abolish, essentially abolish the second amendment. if she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. although, the second amendment people, maybe there is. i don't know. >> larry: that guy said oh, ( bleep ). i'm trying real hard on this. i'm trying real hard. is there any possibility that he meant something else? >> if he's saying these things and we're giving him the benefit of the doubt. it seems like he's crowd sourcing-- "if you want to do
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it, whatever. if you want to kill her, whatever." >> the reality is, he has a lot of supporters, and i'm sure there's a couple out there, that a couple of screws are loose. so you never know if they're going to take it literally. i hope they don't because you're basically talking about assassinating someone. >> he actually opened that door, so we can muse about, like, killing leaders which is insane because i would never want trump to be killed. but, like, maimed by a zamboni would be cool. >> fine. ( laughter ). >> you know? >> larry: we can't even really make that joke. i remember i said something at the end of the show and i said-- ( bleep ). are you saying we should kill trump? no, no, no. i felt bad about it. >> i heard someone said the problem is an unstable person could hear this and might cosomething. but isn't trump the unstable one in this sequence? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> he is one of the unstable people, but the reality is so many people voted for him in the
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primaries, more than any other presidential nominee in g.o.p. history. there are 2.3 million people who voted for hum in the primary. >> larry: i understand when people say about the anger and a lot of people are angry with the systems and a lot of republicans are mad at republicans. i think a lot of trump votes were protest votes. but at this point, when he says all this-- when you see republicans jumping off ship and jumping on to the "titanic"-- >> yes because at first you think everyone is playing and it won't play out. at first when he entered as a nominee i was like he's not going to make it far. now it's getting so serious and everybody needs to enter reality right now. >> larry: do you think he's setting us up? do you think he's going to quit? >> no. >> he loves to win. he says, "i'm winning. i'm winning. i'm winning. i love winning." >> larry: but once he thinks he's losing it's going to be, "i'm taking my ball and going home." >> i feel like he would give up the presidency once he got it.
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>> larry: you think so? >> absolutely. "mike pence, take care of it. i'm going to the caribbean." "i'm going to mir-a-lago." >> he's a careless person and leaves others to clean up the mess. like all his subordinates. "the dog didn't really ( bleep ) on the rug. what happened was--" the katrina pierson of the world who have to clean up the mess overnight. >> he's a job creator. >> he's like the power. he upons the power. i think he's going to stay met presidency. he likes the power. >> larry: he's already kind of intimated he would outsource it. i'll let you do all the presidenting. >> just take photos and eat barbecue. >> larry: have you spent time in north carolina? are you from north carolina? >> i have. i spent a the lot of my childhood in north carolina. >> larry: okay, so i wanted to ask you this because here's what i don't understand. i mean, look, a lot of the perceptions of hillary clinton are just hard to decipher, put this one is the funniest one.
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41% of north carolina trump supporters, trump supporters, think hillary clinton is literally the devil. okay. now the key word there is "literally." >> yeah. >> larry:s what's up with that? >> man, what a bad representation of north carolina. >> larry: she's satan. she's literally satan. >> yeah, and i spent a lot of time in north carolina throughout my childhood. my mother still lives there. i have no idea who they were talking to in north carolina. i really don't know. and what is their definition of being a devil is my question. what is that definition? because i think it's pretty extreme. >> i love the fabt that a woman can be the devil, but a female president, we're not ready! not ready for it. maybe one in the future, but not this one! >> larry: is there a chance that hillary can blow this at this point with trump doing all this? i mean, look at this, there is so much negative stuffing out that people are ignoring because he says he wants to shoot her is
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there that's what's amazing is the clinton foundation. >> something could come out. you know what i mean? his poll numbers are dipping, and, like, every night i'm like, "please, god, let them go lower." he comes back like-- like from "terminator." du-da. so we need to find a smelting plant again to-- i just think he-- like i don't think he's going to give up. i think something else in clinton world might come out. >> larry: do you think his numbers are going to keep going down after this? >> i don't know, his supporters really support him, clearly. >> i don't think there's anything he can say or do wrong. >> no one's going to go to a trump rally and be like, go in there, a trump supporter and be like, "he said that? i'm leaving." >> the guy you mentioned--
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>> but, yeah-- >> even the guy that you mentioned at the beginning where you said that he looked shocked after he said his comment. he went on the news this morning and said,"i'm still voting. i'm still voting for trump." >> unbelievable. >> larry: he jokes about shooting hillary. you've got my vote. >> that's why i think people have stuck with him by the way. he's essentially saying what they think he wants to say. "he's saying what is in my brain but i'm not ballsy enough to say it." >> larry: seeing people like paul ryan, it's like-- yeah, i'm still voting for him. it's just sad, man. it's really sad. >> it is. >> larry: on that note, we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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the family favorite. yoplait. library break! shhhhhhhh. have a break, have a kit kat! hhi.o. welcome. this is the chevy malibu.
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it was awarded "most dependable midsize car" by j.d. power. it looks great. wow! what is happening? oh my gosh, it's going up! but the malibu's not the only vehicle that was awarded. this is mind blowing. the chevy camaro, equinox, and silverado hd were awarded most dependable as well. this is extremely impressive. there's so many! doing it once, yea, great job, four times, obviously, they're doing something right. absolutely ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists, jordan carlos, grace parra, and deshauna barber. and thanks to bob dibuono as donald trump. thanks for watching. good nightly.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome bac -- >> welcome back to the coverage of the 2016 satirical games. welcome roy wood, jr. what a game it has been. >> we've seen world records, dreams made and hopes crushed. >> who doesn't like watching the flicker go out in a young kid's eyes. >> jordan, what's that on your neck? >> oh, this thing? (laughter) >> have you been doing the cupping therapy like the athletes?
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>> no, no. last night my loneliness got the best of me and i had sex with a vacuum cleaner. (laughter) >> okay, let'so go to trevor noah as he competes in the 30-minute men's free-style hosting sprint. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm your host trevor noah. tonight's guests from the hit comedy central show "another period," nikolai patrushe nick e and natasha leggero, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: i know for most people the news every day is about this used condom filled with orange gatorade. but while that's going on, another competition is hpe


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