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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  August 16, 2016 9:13am-9:47am PDT

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♪keep on the sunny side ♪always on the sunny side ♪keep on the sunny side of life♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) thank you very much! thank you! thank you very much! thank you!
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thank you very much! (chanting larry, larry, larry) thank you very much. welcome to "the nightly show." thank you. you're too kind. >> i love you! >> larry: i love you, too! i love all you guys! (cheering) i am larry wilmore. so, how was your day? mine? well, as many of you probably heard, this is our final week of "the nightly show." (booing) i know. four shows left, and i just want to thank comedy central for this rare opportunity -- and it really is a rare opportunity. (applause) thank you so much. and also the staff of this show for giving it their all for the past 20 months, and most of you will
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i want to thank our fans. let me just say, you guys have been unbelievable. we have the best fans in late night, i'm saying it right now. okay? (cheers and applause) it really is true. people come up and they never say, hey, nice show! they always say, thank you! it's such a cool thing. and hearing from you guys has been incredible. even you @wilmore-blows 666. (laughter) you brought such a unique voice to the dialogue. i appreciate that. (laughter) when we started this show, we wanted to have a conversation on some very tough subjects, and we've had a lot of fun doing just that. really. our show was at its best when the news was at its worst, and i am so proud that we were able to take on real issues and hopefully say something powerful while making people laugh on some very, very dark days.
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my only regret is that we won't be around to cover this truly insane election season. although, on the plus side, our show going off the air means one thing -- racism is solved. (laughter) (applause) we did it. we did it. in fact, i think we have a photo from ferguson that was taken earlier today. (laughter) yeah! you're welcome, america. you're welcome. but black and white aren't the only issues out there right now. orange is the biggest problem facing america today. so let's check in on what's happening with the unblackening. ♪ that thing's gonna haunt me for a long time. (laughter)
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now, last week, i made a few jokes at the expense of trump is spokesgoblin katrina pierson. (laughter) i don't want to give the impression i was picking on her just because she's working for trump. i would never do that. goblin lives matter, you guys. but then she has to go and say this -- >> remember we weren't even in afghanistan by this time, barack obama went into afghanistan creating another problem. >> larry: no, no, no, no! obama did not go into afghanistan! now you're just being stupid for stupid's sake! okay? but i don't! what's wrong with your people?! perhaps you're not familiar with all the disasters from the bush administration -- there was a terrorist attack, we got into two wars, the vice president shot his friend, there was a horrible hurricane -- which, thanks to you, is no longer the first thing that comes up when you google the words "katrina" and "total (bleep) (bleep) show."
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(applause) but maybe you were going fast and you didn't mean to say that. let me give you the benefit of the doubt. "that was obama's war, yes." >> larry: look at the confident way she spews that (bleep). "that was obama's war, yes." (laughter) now, earlier today she admitted she got this wrong -- after the entire world told her she was wrong. but here's what really gets me -- she's the spokesperson for a man seeking the highest office in the land. all she had to do was be alive for the last 16 years to have known she was wrong. and keep in mind, as a goblin, she's been alive for centuries! (laughter) (applause) i'm just sayin'. this is possible. (cheering) also, here's the other thing -- and these trump surrogates not only spew these lies with confidence -- sometimes the bull (bleep) coming out of their mouths surprises even them. >> so, to be clear, mr. trump has no financial relationships
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with any russian oligarchs? >> that -- that's what he said and that's what i said -- that's -- obviously, what our position is. (laughter) >> larry: the bull (bleep) is coming out of his mouth so fast, you almost want to hold back his hair. go ahead, man, get it out. take your time. (laughter) but someone who doesn't seem to mind the taste of bull (bleep) in their mouth is the bovine dung connoisseur himself. >> president obama, he is the founder of i.s.i.s. he's the founder of i.s.i.s. okay? he's the founder. (cheers and applause) he founded i.s.i.s. and i would say the co-founder would be crooked hillary clinton. (laughter) >> larry: please make up your own joke there.
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trump soon followed that bat-(bleep) crazy statement by doing something very presidential -- sending a bat-(bleep) crazing tweet -- "ratings challenged at cnn reports so seriously that i call president obama (and clinton) "the founder" of i.s.i.s., & m.v.p. they don't get sarcasm?" (laughter) that's not sarcasm! sarcasm is when you tell your friend with the ugly shirt, "hey, nice shirt." (laughter) not sure why you would do that to your friend, who's just trying to get back on the dating scene after his divorce, but regardless, sarcasm is a pretty lame excuse. but at least trump kind of admitted he was wrong, right? >> obviously, i'm being sarcastic, then -- then, but not that sarcastic, to be honest with you. (laughter) (applause) >> larry: to be honest? you're never honest with us! the end of your sentence stated the complete opposite of the beginning of your sentence. do you have any idea how confused the middle of your sentence is?
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i gotta keep it 100 about this election. donald trump has stopped being funny. he's stopped being outrageous. he's stopped being politically incorrect. he's just downright dangerous. (applause) let me tell you -- and the worst of it is, he's just a liar. okay? and i don't want to hear "hillary clinton is a liar too!" that is a false equivalency. hillary clinton is a very smart and capable politician, who many people don't trust because she spends too much time lawyering her words so she doesn't lose votes instead of telling us what she actually (bleep) thinks. all right? donald trump is a psychopathic narcissist who not only has the hands of an infant, he has the mind of one. (laughter) (applause) okay?
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(cheering) >> larry: i'm just saying. and i apologize to all infants. (laughter) so stop comparing the two. donald trump is an "existential" threat to america. and if you love america like me, you have to hope that hillary clinton wins every single electoral vote this november. let me just say! let me make this clear! (applause) it's not so much that i'm with her, it's that i'm with "her." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ sorry, just getting a quote on motorcycle insurance from progressive. yeah? yeah, they have safe rider discounts, and with total loss coverage, i get a new bike if mine's totaled. but how's their customer service? great. 24/7. just like here.
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apb describes a naked sudsy guy playing a piano made of suds. ♪ ♪ [suds sliding] ♪ [sniffing] ♪ [old spice whistle] smells like we got the wrong guy. at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber. be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ♪ ding! hot pockets! (cheers and applause) >> larry: hey, welcome back! now, you know, one thing i never addressed was this one time, a couple months ago, i used a -- culturally familiar term with the president of the united states. "yo, barry.
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you did it, my nigga." now, the reaction was both positive and negative. some people were for using that word, some were against. now, there are valid points on both sides, so we need to debate this. and since we're on cable, the only way is to have people take polar-opposite positions and argue over each other. so without further adieu, here's our final installment of "pardon the integration." (cheers and applause) (arguing) please welcome "the nightly show" contributors mike yard and rory albanese. (cheers and applause) all right, gentlemen! okay, guys. tonight's topic: should people be able to use the "n" word, or is it so bad that it should never be used again? mike will argue against the "n" word, while rory will be in favor of demeaning the black race. ready? >> mike: hell, yeah. >> rory: not even remotely. >> larry: and... begin! >> mike: black people were "owned" for hundreds of years. letting "anyone" use the "n" word trivializes the horror of slavery! the "n" word is a brand of shame!
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it's the original boost mobile! >> rory: but, mike, what about artistic license? how about when rappers argue that using the "n" word takes away and demystifies its power? >> mike: you mean does drake negate the enslavement of an entire race? no, rory -- not quite! >> rory: look, it's one thing if people shout the "n" word during a trump rally -- but this is 2016! slavery happened a long time ago! if they put the "n" word in songs, is it wrong for people to sing songs? people can't even sing songs?! >> mike: not if the "n" word is a lyric in that song! and when did we start talking our social advice from rappers? >> rory: i think about the time that sir-mix-a-lot let us know about those big butts! (applause) >> mike: that's not fair, rory. who doesn't like big butts?! >> rory: i didn't before that song! (ding-ding) >> larry: okay, gentlemen. that noise means it's time to switch sides and argue the opposite perspective. because remember, this is a mindless argument.
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>> mike: yeah, one i'll lose at the end. >> larry: nah, mike. trust me, it's not going to happen. stop arguing and just argue. >> mike: fine. >> larry: great. now, rory will be against using the "n" word, and mike will be in favor of everyone using the most derogatory term towards black people in american history. and... begin! >> mike: the word itself isn't the issue. the issue is what comes directly before it. it's the difference between "i love you my nigga!" and "freeze! get on the ground, nigger!" (applause) >> rory: look, mike, the "n" word is so horrible, it makes "me" uncomfortable. and it's not supposed to make me uncomfortable, it's supposed to make "you" uncomfortable! >> mike: ohhh, the white guy's uncomfortable, so now it's gotta be illegal! >> rory: yeah, that sounds right. >> mike: look, cops shooting unarmed black people makes me uncomfortable -- when is that (bleep) going to be illegal? (cheers and applause) >> rory: mike, you put me in a
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very awkward position, and even though i'm talking loud now, i totally agree with you! that these police shootings are an atrocity! i wish there was a late-night comedy show on air that dealt with things like that! >> mike: that would be effective! (cheers and applause) >> mike: that would be effective! but that doesn't exist, rory! apparently, too much of that (bleep) makes white people uncomfortable -- just like the "n" word! >> rory: exactly! and that's why i'm saying no one should ever say ni -- >> larry, mike: whoa, whoa! hey! >> mike: damn rory, i can't believe that came out of your mouth. >> larry: yeah, what the (bleep), rory? where have you been hiding that racist guy? >> rory: no, hold on! uh didn't finish the word. mike was saying... anyone could use it... >> mike: i'm going to (bleep) you up. (ding-ding) >> what? (applause) >> larry: and the winner is mike yard because i really want
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to see him (bleep) rory up. (laughter) >> mike: whaaaaaat?! i can't believe it! >> to thank my family -- >> rory: this isn't fair! an injustice has been done. >> welcome to my world. now you know how it feels to be black. >> rory: finally, "the nightly show" has taught me a valuable lesson. >> larry: this has been our final, pointless episode of "pardon the integration." mike yard and rory albanese, everybody! we'll with be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back! i'm sheer with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. "the nightly show" contributor robin thede. and she's the creator and star of the hulu series "difficult people" "difficult people" julie klausner. and for everyone at home, join our conversation now on twitter @nightlyshow using #tonightly. so i'm just going to come out and say it -- hillary clinton needs to be our next president. (cheers and applause) as i said earlier in the show, at this point, any comparison to hillary is a false equivalency. hillary clinton is a candidate, and donald trump is a non-qualified, narcissistic infant that is very dangerous to the continuation of this thing that we call the united states.
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>> yep! >> larry: in my opinion. there's rumors that the republicans are going to dump trump. there is rumors that sound pretty serious about this -- and put pence in his place. do you think that can happen? (laughter) >> the guy has the charisma of a -- a taco. (laughter) that's not true. tacos are very appealing. i think about them all the time. mike pence is -- i mean, finish the sentence or don't. it doesn't matter. (laughter) yep, yep. >> larry: it's like eating something you burp and go, that doesn't remind me of anything. >> that doesn't taste like anything. we're sitting next to a person in a dinner party and they're, like, how did you like carol. we're, like, who? you talked to her all night. i did? >> mike pence (bleep). i'll do it. after today, i'm out of work, so
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i'll do it. i'll build a wall. i'll build one on canada, two walls. (bleep). let's do it. >> i think it's crazy, too, because there is also a rumor that the g.o.p. is going to take away trump's funding in october and focus it on congressional races, which actually would be very smart of them because they're only a few seats away in congress from losing control. >> larry: this down ballot is down over a really stinky scene over there. >> if your eown party isn't behind you -- >> it's like when you stop supporting your useless adult son. >> yeah, i'm not paying your rent anymore. this is not on me. >> but the republican party created trump anyway with this non-tea party stuff. good for you, i hope you never win another presidential election ever. >> larry: do you think there is any chance he'll quit? that was a conspiracy theory
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that he'll even drop out. >> psychopaths don't give up till they've killed everyone. >> have you ever watched dexter? he don't quit. >> he never quits! >> wow, thanks for ruining dexter. >> spoiler alert. >> larry: so his job is to kill america at this point? >> i think that's very clear. >> he'll just never admit he's failed at anything. >> that's exactly right, and his surrogates are fog suit with that, too. giuliani came out -- hold on, you will love this. i had to write this quote down, it's in my bra. (cheers and applause) >> yes! more material! >> you're welcome. giuliani said there were no successful radical islamic attacks before obama. conveniently forgetting 9/11! and that's what his surrogates are saying. (bleep) just platen (bleep) and people listen and i hate it.
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his supporters were saying, oh, he didn't mean that! he was just being silly! but at the same time it's the same people who are saying it's a man who says what's on his mind! which one is it? (applause) >> larry: is there any chance he can get back in, in the debates? is there any chance he can do, like -- i don't know, guys! i know, the audience is acting like, no! but look at what's happened so far. >> i know. >> every time i had that reaction he would insult somebody and his poll numbers would rise. >> hillary shouldn't even show up. she's going to win anyway. >> larry: do you think she should just rest? >> just chill. >> if hillary does nothing, she'll be in great shape. honestly, eat eggs, do what you
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said, appear where you said, go to bed, repeat. >> larry: thankfully, it's almost over. i'm sad we won't cover it. what's been the most unbelievable thing that you've seen from this creature? >> from me? (laughter) it's not about donald trump. you know what's been fascinating to me? the fact that america has been so shocked that this type of racism still exists. we have been yelling about it for a long time and it took trump for people to be, like, wait a minute! we're still kind of (bleep) up. >> and guess what's so shocking to me? the people still supporting him. what has been the most offensive -- >> larry: or surprising thing. >> this week? >> larry: no, the whole trump -- >> i believe it all. but i do have a soft spot for the bleeding from her whatever comment. >> oh, yeah. >> that continues to be , a oh, remember when he said that? wow! kind of moment. >> larry: it was so inventive. >> let's not forget, he
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announced by saying mexicans are rapists. >> yeah, he did start from there. he didn't have a lot of places to go. (laughter) >> larry: and i don't like people that get caught, that's not a hero. >> oh, the mccain thing? >> larry: yeah. >> i could shoot somebody on fifth avenue, obama invented i.s.i.s., there are so many. >> larry: the funniest thing was calling jeb low energy, and it worked! >> all of it's working! we have to wake up and stop being entertained by the train wreck because this country will be a train wreck. >> larry: i'm ready to announce america is woke. we'll be right back. >> if you live in new york city or are planning to visit, grab tickets to "the nightly show." tickets to "the nightly show." ♪
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and that's how the deodorant commercial ended. [old spice whistle] payday presents: salty covered sweetness how can i help you? finally! i've been waiting forever. i've been waiting forever. to meet you! you sweet baby angel! you sound like heaven on earth, on a phone. you sound like love feels.
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. >> the 2016 daily show summer games. >> welcome ba back to the daily show's coverage of the 2016 summer games. >> it's roy would, jr. and oom's jordan klepper. >> you got to cut that [bleep] out, man. i'm an adult. i can say my name. >> say it. >> i'm roy food-- you got in my head. >> i'm great at names. >> anyway, the big news ot of rio this weekend, ryan lochte and three other olympic swimmers were robbed at gunpoint by thieves posing as police officers, i bet you ryan lochte was like man, if we was in the water right now, i would be whooping your ass. you better pray to god it don't rain. i would just-- on your head, whop, whop. i think-- that is how swimmers fight. whop. but honestly, all jokes aside, you have got to say that that is messed up. people mass quer aiding as police officers to rob our athletes. now jordan, don't you think that that-- jordan?
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>> yep. >> jordan, you robbing people? >> what? >> god, know. i'm a stripper. (laughter) >> august 15th, 2016. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome to the daily show. thank you so much, everyone, thank you. i'm trevor noah. our guests tonight, couldn't be more excited from the new film imperium, daniel radcliffe is here, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> we have got a lot of show to get to. tons of olympic news. i know i'm biased, for me, the race to the olympics thus far was the 400 meter sprint with south african-- took the gold and broke the world record and he was in lane eight, in lane eight, people, he did it! he did it! now here is the thing, i was

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