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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  August 18, 2016 9:13am-9:47am PDT

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♪always on the sunny side ♪keep on the sunny side of life♪ comedy central ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much! thank you very much! thank you. >> larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. thank you. >> larry! larry. >> larry: please, everybody. thank you very much. thank you very much. >> very kind. welcome to the "nightly show."
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>> we love you. >> larry: i love you, too. i'm larry wilmore. and i'll be your host for at least the next two days. by the way, you do not want to miss next week's shows. guaranteed to resonate. anyhow... okay, okay so here's the deal, last night, i gotta admit, i got a little boozy off some good cable wine ( cheers and applause ) it's true. that was from our pauls over at team bee. that was so nice of them. i mean, i was so hungover, so i was thinking, tonight, i'm doing the show sober. i can't do that to my audience. until stephen colber stephen cor this. ( cheers and applause ) so, yeah, apparently, he robbed
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an airline or something. ( laughter ) raided some kind of a mini-bar or something. so let's just see. uh-huh. uh-huh. ( cheers and applause ) i ain't mad at him. mmm! that's some good network booze there. i'm already slurring my words, guys. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, tomorrow night's our last show, and before we get there, i just gotta say, you better step up, rest of late night. daddy needs some more juice. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm looking at you "last week
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tonight." looking at you. so before we sign off, one last check-in with the 2016 rio olympic games. ( laughter ) >> larry: i'm really going to miss that man. i'm really going to miss it. "it's a toilet." one of the most surprising moments in this summer's olympics came from chinese swimmer fu yuanhui, moments after her team lost the 4x1 medley relay on sunday. >> larry: wow. her period. oh, my god. why would we be bringing up this story right now? ( sirens ) oh, my god. i know what that sound means!
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it's tampon tuesday! it'sed with. it's tamponed it, wednesday edition. please welcome the ladies of "the nightly show." >> thank you, larry. we appreciate it. larry, it was so refreshing to hear. fu yuanhui talk about her period after that race. >> she normalized it for millions of people watching, and she's being hailed as a hero in china and all over the world! ( cheers and applause ) >> yes, now it's cool to publicly attend the red wedding. >> so maybe now tampax will start offering some sweet endorsement money for every athlete competing in the monthly flowlympics. >> yeah! >> yeah, why does it always have to be sneakers and gatorade? why can't it be something we actually use? >> exactly. >> i think networks should go "all periods all the time."
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>> i like that! >> pbs? the period broadcasting service. npr? national period radio. msnbc? p.m.s.n.b.c. ( cheers and applause ) >> yup. >> women always get (bleep) done while surfing the crimson wave! we don't just run in fields wearing all white. sometimes we're actually winning gold medals! >> but this woman is a shining example of a long line of female athletes bleeding from their wherevers. ( laughter ) ( applause ) why do you think they called her flo-jo? she was constantly riding the cotton pony, like a boss. >> so we just want to give a huge shoutout to fu yuanhui for keeping it 100, even on days when she's feeling 75. ( cheers and applause ) >> yes!
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>> period. get it, guys? >> yeah, we get it. >> hey, hollywood, i'm available after tomorrow. >> larry: okay, another installment of tampon tuesday, wednesday edition, everybody! ( applause ) now, as i said, tomorrow night's our last show, and in the past few days, we've tried to cover our favorite topics: politics, race, tampon tuesdays. but something dear to my heart that i want to make sure i get to before we're off the air is not forgetting about (bleep). ( cheers ) that's right, (bleep)! i haven't forgotten about you! >> another legal setback for bill cosby's defense team. a federal appeals court has rejected their attempt to re-seal testimony that cosby gave back in 2005 about having extramarital affairs and getting quaaludes to give to woman. >> larry: uh-huh...
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that's right. your testimony on giving quaaludes to women for the purposes of having sex with them is out there for good. you can't just take stuff back once it's out. i learned that the hard way when i told comedy central, "fine! go ahead and cancel me!" ( laughter ) people listen when you say that (bleep). it's a joke. i didn't say that, you guys. it's a joke. it was larry's fault, man! i didn't say that. now, another (bleep) who will not escape my memory is ousted fox news c.e.o. and handsy sex ogre roger ailes. >> roger ailes will begin advising donald trump, helping him prep for those crucial presidential debates. >> larry: that's right. the man just doubled down on creepiness and (bleep)-i-ness! i mean, why would donald trump hire roger ailes, a bloated, egomaniacal, rich, hate-spewing blonde-stalking, misogynistic husk of a human-- wait! who was i talking about again? trump? i got-- ( applause ) i can't remember! i can't remember! but come on.
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this is terrible for trump, whose numbers with women were already awful before he hired this gropey harass-hole. ( laughter ) but these are just unconfirmed report about ailes working for him. i'm sure trump advisor jack kingston is going to deny this association, right? >> brianna, i don't think any campaign is going to tell everything to everybody. they're under no obligation to say who's going to be speech coaches, who's going to be in the back room. >> larry: no! all you needed to say was "roger ailes isn't advising us"! it's an easy answer, and you blew it. it would be like someone asking, "why is the sky blue?" and you answering "well, you know, hitler had some good ideas." it's not a good answer! why are you bringing him up. now, look, i want to be clear about something. sexual assault isn't just a hollywood problem or a cable news problem. it happens on college campuses, on dates, at the office-- everywhere. well, with the possible
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exception of mars. there you go. the curiosity rover is totally woke on consent. >> there's a reason codz bee and ailes have so many victims. because when we tell victims that their assaults didn't happen, we also tell assailants that they don't need permission. and when we protect powerful men, we make women invisible. ( cheers and applause ) look, i know i'm a man saying this but, men, we need to do the work, too, because i already have too many (bleep) i have to remember. i don't need any more. we'll be right back. break through! usa! usa!
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tens of thousands of miles, taken years of hard work, and more energy than i knew i had. but that's ok. i'm looking far down the road... where many more hours, and miles and long days lay ahead. 'cause where i am today is just a start... compared to where i'm going. ♪ ♪ i'm comin' over
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slap break! wrong. have a break, have a kit kat!
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that i was ion the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600, but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi. well, i feel better. it's been five minutes. talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. now, a lot of people have told me that they're depressed about our show getting canceled, so we thought we'd cover a subject that will make you even more depressed. the opioid epidemic!
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that's right. it's time for our last "nightly show" super depressing deep dive. take a look. ♪ ♪ >> hi, hey. you good? not for long. welcome to another "nightly show "super depressing deep dive. opioids-- everyone's talking about them. >> one of the greatest public health crises of our time, the opioid epidemics >> an epidemic of drug apuce. >> we are seeing more people killed from opioid overdose than traffic accidents. >> so how did this happen? it starts with pain. people hate pain, mainly because it's painful and opioids take that pain and turn it into mag magic. opioids are any open-oid like compound. yes, that baby won't cry, until you take away its sweet, sweet morphine. in 1898, bayier tried to make a
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less-addictive product morphine. in the 1970s and 80s, most doctors avoided opioids as long-term pain relief because of the whole addiction thing but in 1995, pharmaceuticals marketed the safest opioid of all ♪ oxycontin >> and everyone was happy and pain free forever. the end. j.k., pain is life. it will never go away, like you, too. and it turns out oxycontin is addictive. >> i can't feel pain. >> and to help ease everyone's fear of addiction, they created videos with super trustworthy dudes. >> they don't wear out. they go on working. they do not have serious medical
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side effects. >> thank you. sales of oxycontin went from 44 million in 1986 to $1 event 5 billion in 2002. by 2012, doctors wrote more than 259 million prescriptions for opioids enough to give a bottle to every adult in america. you don't have to be a chicken scientist ton when everyone has opioids, opioid overdoses are going to skyrocket. >> tests show the music icon prince died of an opioid overdose. >> that's right. those dpreedy drug company bastards ( bleep ) killed ( bleep ) prince. ( bleep ). ( bleep ). or maybe the drug companies didn't know.
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maybe they were innocent. of course they knew. the "l.a. times "reported they advertised the drug working for 12 hours when it was only eight. >> they do not have serious medical side effects. >> they hid the evidence. and in 2007 they lost $635 million lawsuit, and three executives pleaded guilty for downplaying the risk of addiction. even big tobacco was like, damn, you guys are scumbags. >> for the first time in any first world country, the death rate for white, middle-aged people is on the rise. >> yup, opioids became a national epidemic because it became a ♪ white people problem ♪ hashtag it. >> they're cracking down on over-prescribing. so, is it all better? yeah. wait, no. because when addicts stop getting opioids they turn to the next best thing
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♪ heroin >> it's cheap, easy, and its colorful mascot will haunt your nightmares for eternity. there's a new white people problem. the polo club is full of heroin addicts. if that wasn't fun enough, big pharma still makes millions by selling opioids. now we just have heroin killing more people than ever. depressed? good, then my job here is done. this has been another "nightly show" super depressing deep dive. >> larry: i think we're all now sufficiently depressed. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) over 31 irresistible flavors of ice cream
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make for endless spoonfuls of fun oreo milk 'n cereal is baskin-robbin's flavor of the month. try it today! (music plays from one way or another )♪♪ ♪ i'm gonna find y♪ i'm gonna getcha ♪ ♪ getcha getcha getcha ♪ one way or another ♪ ♪ i'm gonna win ya ♪ i'm gonna getcha ♪ ♪ getcha getcha getcha ♪ one way or another ♪ ♪ i'm gonna see ya ♪ (inhales cigarette)
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor ricky velez. ( cheers and applause ) and "nightly show" contributor rory albanese. ( cheers and applause ) and he's currently on his "the emperor's new clothes: the naked truth tour." and next month, for four nights only, he'll be performing his show "black to the future" on broadway at the marquis theatre, comedian lewis black. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightly show using the hashtag #tonightly. even though i have zero ( bleep ) to give at this point, i have plenty of booze to give, courtesy of the "colbert show," man. this is great. we have a lot of little bottles. >> a lot of little bottles add up to one big bottle. are they taking resumes? >> as you're pouring your
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drinks, let's get started. lewis, i'm so glad you're here, by the way. >> thank you. >> larry: i couldn't think of anybody else i would rather have on our second-to-last show than lewis black. >> it's an honor to be here. seriously. i was here at the beginning, and i'm here at the end. >> larry: you were here to start us off. >> and al roker said no gli just have-- i don't even have a question. who is your whole take on this election? what is your feeling on this whole thing? >> it's-- it's-- at some point, it has to-- it has to stop! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it's over and over and over and over. every day! ( laughter ) it's a bomb asitorium. we would be better off as a people if they covered it and said here is donald trump, and they had a duck that was quack ago quack, quack, quack. and here's hillary, and you get
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a little chihuahua. and that's it! it's senseless! >> larry: i understand. i gray. >> if you want to do-- ( applause ) this is really helping me. if you want to do it this long, then it has to stop on memorial day weekend, until labor day. just shut up! ( cheers and applause ) ( bleep ). okay? it's not just summer for kid so that they can go to a pool and do their crap! it's for adults! it's adults! it's our time! don't bother mow! >> larry: i agree. ( cheers and applause ) >> give me a recipe! give me a new recipe for ribs! that's what this goddamn time is about. >> larry: so what you're saying is this doesn't move you at all. ( laughter ) >> i just want to say i feel the same way he does, but i got a
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xanax prescription. haug( laughter ). >> you want to know something crazy-- so does lou. you've just seen when he's not on it. >> larry: do you think people are still going to be dissatisfied? there are a lot of problemses that can't be fixed. a lot of those manufacturing jobs, i don't care what trump says, they're not coming back. >> everyone is sending them overseas because it's cheaper. look, i think we know a little thing or two about being out of work, right, larry? the thing is you can't-- you can't-- i'm sorry. >> larry: let it go, rory. let it go. do you think trump destroyed the republican party? it's like he left a trail of tears behind him. >> i think the republican party, you know, let itself be destroyed by him. because they wanted-- the media
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did-- eyeballs. we want to get as many people watching as possible, so we're going to bring him in, because people are going to watch because he's just-- you know, he's-- ( laughter ) i didn't know-- in so many drugs in my youth, i didn't know if that lamp was inside my head. ( laughter ). >> larry: right, yeah. >> i'm not going to lie, since that announcement on monday, ricky has given me so many drugs, i thought it was in my head, too. >> we're so high, we're going to show up to work on monday. ( laughter ) >> that was the beginning of the end. look, as soon as he said-- "those mexicans pouring in over the border, they're raping, pillaging, they're eating all the avocados." >> larry: he's got a problem with the avocado eelting? >> he does. >> larry: i have no idea. he's extremely protectionist. >> as soon as he said that, any-- any party with any moral
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compass whatsoever would go you know what is this you can run. you just can't run as a republican. but that was-- but that was the moment in time when people began to watch and went wow! boy! this is great! this will be fun to bloep watch! >> honestly, though, look at the other 15 people, 16 people that were in it. like-- was it 30 is there. >> larry: i don't. >> who in the group was anything to rise to the top? chris christie is a joke. ted cruz, we all know he's a serial killer. s. >> larry: ever seen a candidate disqualified because someone said he had low energy? what is that! what voters believed that? that's what i don't get. like, you're a voter at home going, "let's see, i like this jeb bush. he's a good governor. oh, wait. trump said he has low energy.
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i'm not going to vote for him. >> even without trump saying that jeb was making speeches and going, "please clap." >> i don't want to vote for you anymore. >> what was shocking when i saw him run, when jeb bush started showing up, because because for years you heard he's the smart one! >> larry: yeah, yeah. >> it was like, wow! if i had known-- if we had only known that! >> larry: such an unbelievably low bar we set in america. he's the smart one. all right, we'll be right back. ( cheers and appla
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thanks, dad. i'll pick you up in two hours. keep 'em high. thanks, bro. later, mom. thank you. have fun. thanks, dad. thanks, mr. smith. hurry in for toyota's annual clearance event, where you can find 0% apr financing for 60 months on the 2016 rav4. offer ends september 6th. for more great deals, visit toyota. let's go places.
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captioned by media access group at wgbh ( cheers and applause ) >> all right, thanks to my panelists. rory albanese, and lewis black. thanks for watching. good nightly, everyone! >> from from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause).
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>> trevor: thank you so much, everybody, welcome to the daily show, i'm trevor noah. our guest the king himself, lebron james is here, everybody. lebron james joining us in the building. i will, of course, be talking to him about the great sport of golf. but let's get right to the news. hillary clinton seeing the finish line, people. she's up in all the polls including all the swing states, she already picked up the next group of white house interns. i don't think it's going to work but it's a good try. but still, you know, hillary is not taking anything for granted in fact she has been campaigning this week with vice president joe biden which is great for hillary because he really connects with blue clar voters. unfortunately the downside is where joe biden goes, so do his hugs. look how awkward it becomes at the-- arms go-- oh, oh, oh. oh, that is-- oh, that is so
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awkward. oh, look at that. it looks like he's holding a cat. yeah, you think that was awkward t was even more awkward that she had to do that at the rally later on that day. it just didn't get any better. it just -- but aside from creepy cat hugs, right now hillary clinton is having a great time. she's coasting. she doesn't talk to the press. she limits her interviews. she hasn't given a real press conference, we realized this, she hasn't given a real press conference in eight months. that is 250 days. the last time she gave a press conference, jeb bush's family was still proud of him. that is how long it's been. things are going great for hillary, you know, because if campaigns were cars, hillary's campaign is a self-driving tesla. trump's campaign is a truck with no steering wheel on an oily road and everybody is just like, we can't get it in the right direction. we can't get it! >> build the wall, build the wall! >> aahhh! it is insane.


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