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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  August 19, 2016 1:36am-2:07am PDT

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>> tosh: welcome back to the e show that believes if you believe in two commandments that's enough. >> she was an english teacher. they had no idea she was a part-time model on the internet posing in sexy swim wear and lingerie. >> where she was when i was in school? i had mrs. daniels who used to beat me in the supply room a yardstick. i deserved it. go it our blog and see if you can be the first person to follow everyone on twitter and finally i'm sure you all know
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the show cheaters. well, it just got syndicated in the middle east. i have to warn you the images you are about to see are more graphic than the american version. >> i know this is difficult for you to watch but how does it make you feel? >> oh, no he didn't. i'm going kill him when he get home. he told me i was the only donkey for him. hee-hau. >> i don't want our competers parody to change the fact we saw something wrong. good night and blood bless the audience member of the week. >> the 2016 "the daily show"
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summer games. >> welcome to the final day at the 2016 summer games. i'm jordan "surfboardin" klepper and this is roy "loves little boys" wood, jr. >> no, no, don't play like that. that's not even true! >> why does it rhyme, roy? back to the story, ryan lochte is back in the water, it's hot. >> rio's pools aren't the only thing full of (bleep). >> true. he said he and teammates were robbed at gunpoint by men dressed as police but authorities say they gave their money to a gas station manager to pay for damaging after they broke down a rest room door. >> an olympic spokesman said give the kids a break. they had fun, made a mistake, life goes on, end quote. lochte is just a child of 32! >> imagine if a group of black athletes pulled this crap. they wouldn't be called fun kids. they would be called thugs and
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hoodlums. >> whoa whoa whoa! why do you have to make everything about race? >> well, because i'm woke. >> wait, you're what? >> i'm woke. can i not say that? is it like the "n" word? >> just messing with you, man! but for real, don't ever say that again. >> all right. >> here's trevor noah with "the daily show." >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: welcome, everybody! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah. we've got a great show for you tonight. our guest, playing songs from her album "the switch," emily king is joining us, everybody,
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on that stage. (applause) but before we start the show, and honestly i wish this wasn't the case, i wish it wasn't the whole week, i want to say a fond farewell to our good friend and colleague larry wilmore and everyone at "the nightly show," as you probably heard, tonight will be their last episode. i know we'll miss them a great deal. i know a lot of you watch both shows and it's painful for everyone. i know it's onward and upward for them. we're sorry to see the team go but i know it's not the last we'll see of them because they're the most talented people we've worked with. so to larry wilmore and "the nightly show," we wish you all the best (applause) so this is our last olympics that we're going to get to cover before we go on break. one more piece of olympic news that really made my week, coming out of rio this week. japanese poll vaulter hiroki
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ogita, while attempting to clear a height of 5.3 meters, he knocked the bar off with his penis. (laughter) with his penis, people. and, yeah, don't get me wrong, it sucks he got knocked out, but in life, he just won the gold (laughter) because if ever there was a great story to tell, this is it. hey, man... why didn't you win the gold medal? >> well, it's a long story. (laughter) >> trevor: so let's turn now to the presidential race. hillary clinton versus donald trump, the batman vs. superman of american politics in that it has left america very disappointed. >> the majority of voters continue to hold unfavorable views of both candidates. >> a remarkable 58% of registered voters now say they are dissatisfied with the choice before them. >> this election for many people is who do you hate the least. >> the unlikable crook or the
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unlikable clown? >> trevor: okay. that was unnecessary. the unlikable clown. who likes clowns? just say the clown. don't need to say unlikable. it's unnecessary. (laughter) that's what's weird about this election, when it comes to everything except presidential candidates, americans have the most choices, for more things than anywhere in the world. you can choose from 400 different kinds of yogurt. i don't think people understand how weird it is to have all these types of yogurt, sometimes fruit you don't know where it's hiding -- it sneaks up on you -- mmm! kiwi! (laughter) and when it comes to select the leader for the next four years, two choices, hillary clinton or donald trump, or vanilla and sriracha. (laughter) but as most voters complain
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about neither choice being appealing, come november 8, a decision has to be made. so we turn to our election analyst hasan minhaj, desi lydic and adam lowitt, everybody! (cheers and applause) thanks for joining us. hasan, how does dissatisfied voter decide between hillary clinton and donald trump? >> well, it's easy, trevor -- you don't. why choose between coke and pepsi when you can have diet shasta. i'm talking about libertarian nominee gary johnson. >> trevor: who? >> johnson is an experienced entrepreneur, former governor of new mexico and so legit he calls himself honest johnson. >> trevor: honest johnson sounds like the worst porn name ever. >> okay, well, i think we need more honesty in the bedroom. >> trevor: i heard about this candidate. this is the same guy who's so open about smoking weed all the
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time. i don't know if america wants their president to be high in the situation room. >> if america had a president who smoked weed maybe w we wouldn't be so quick to go into war all the time. if george bush have been high, would he have gone into iraq? >> trevor: would have gone in, just a lot slower. >> gary johnson is against gun control. >> that's what libertarian means, no government anywhere, won't regulate taxes, tell me how to run my business or tell my i can't mary a sasquatch. >> there's a perfectly good candidate out there who happens to be a woman, and i william a her. >> trevor: hillary clinton. >> no, dr. jill stein. hillary doesn't own her. you see, trevor, the green party nominee is pledging to move
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america to 100% renewable energy and cancel all student debt. she's the perfect progressive candidate. if hillary and bernie had sex and someone watched it, that person would be dr. jill stein! (laughter) >> trevor: are you kidding me? >> a candidate skeptical about vaccines? >> oh, is someone afraid of polio? >> i am! >> trevor: look, maybe hasan is right about the vaccines and desi is right that hasan is being a little bitch about it, but that's not the only thing, desi. dr. stein is also very suspicious of wi-fi. >> there is a video making the rounds now, being reported out in which you appear to say that broadband internet access in schools wi-fi is somehow having an adverse effect on children's brains? >> many countries including the european regulatory agency has seen fit to protect vulnerable people from that sort of
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radiation. i am not saying that the science is done on this, rather that the science has just begun. >> trevor: so, desi, your reply to that? >> i don't know what's so strange about that. dr. jill stein is saying she wants to do more research on wi-fi. >> how am i supposed to research wi-fi without wi-fi? >> oh, someone doesn't have an unlimited data plan? >> trevor: i don't actually -- >> hey, hello. can i please say something? >> trevor: please, adam, go ahead. >> are we really having this conversation, honest johnson or dr. dialup? everyone knows who america needs -- evan mcmullin. >> trevor: sorry, who? >> who? >> just roll the clip. >> former c.i.a. operative evan mcmullin launching an independent bid for the white house. mcmullin is being funded and helped by g.o.p. members unhappy with trump. >> that's a real choice there, trevor. evan mcmullin.
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>> trevor: adam, are you supporting mcmullin because you guys look exactly the same? (laughter) >> wow. wow. so all bald people look alike to you, huh? >> trevor: yeah, actually, to be honest, they do. >> i think so, too. it's crazy, right? i once got mistaken for ving rains. >> trevor: what? >> i know! >> trevor: thank you, panelist. we came in talking about two candidates. we came out realizing there are actually five people who could be president of the united states. >> whoa! >> hold on, trevor. i said you can vote for gary johnson but there is no way he can win this election. voting gary johnson is as useless as me getting t.s.a. precheck. i'm still getting that random search. >> yeah. i think jill stein is great, but the truth is america is a two-party system, so voting for jill stein is like throwing pennies in a wishing well. fun to say what you wish for but that doesn't mean it's going to come true.
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>> yeah, i don't even remember my guy's name. >> trevor: evan mcmullin. >> who? >> trevor: the guy you were talking about earlier. >> ving raines? >> trevor: thanks for wasting everyone's time. give it up for these new fruit of the loom breathable underwear are perfect. they need a name just as perfect. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. fruit of the luge.
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thank you marvin. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. uhh... no. we're going to call it new breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom.
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if palm trees could talk... i bet they would speak spanish. man, i wish i spoke spanish! ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." earlier this week, donald trump proposed a bold new program to manage immigration into the united states. >> we should only admit into this country those who share our values and respect our people. i call it extreme vetting. i call it extreme extreme vetting. >> trevor: it's like he really thinks the more extremes he puts on it the more votes he gets. we're down six points in ohio, so extreme -- extreme vetting -- check, how many? seven. extreme, extreme!
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how widely shared are the values trump speaks of among trump supporters? jordan klepper. >> donald trump's ideological test weed out extremists. >> extremists such as oppression of gays, women and nonbelievers. >> wants religious freedom, gender equality and gay rights. another a recent rally in wisconsin his fans were on board. >> i am for extreme vetting. >> i think it is a good idea. >> extreme vetting. do you think that's a good idea? >> of course, he forgot one thing, just make 'em eat bacon. >> these guys were pumped by america's values of tolerance so i knew they would pass trump tests with flying colors. two men getting married is, blank. >> disgusting. >> i should answer it's legal in the united states. >> legal but i don't like it. >> it's important to believe in -- to have respect for everyone's religion. >> you respected christianity. >> i do.
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>> judaism. >> yes. >> islam. >> no. >> can a woman be president? >> the presidency is a manas job. >> i have women are qualified to be president. >> no. a female has more hormones, she could start a war in ten seconds if she has hot flashes or whatever. boom! >> haven't all wars been started by men? >> yes. >> do you think a gay couple should have the same rights as -- >> no, i don't. i don't think it's fair. >> to the gay couple? >> well, no, but the regular couple, they work so hard, you know. and the gay couple, they want more. >> when you say more, do you mean equal? >> yeah, they want equal in there. >> and that's just too much? >> yeah. >> no, that's the wrong answer. sorry. hold on. turns out trump's ideology test would be harder than i thought. >> whenever you think president, i think it's a man's job.
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>> closed-minded. >> yeah, well, no. >> misogynistic. >> no. >> you're voting against your own interests. >> that's it, thank you very much. >> these extreme nations they don't treat women with respect. >> we do here. >> yes. >> that's an american ideal. tell me about your shirt. >> it says hillary sucks. but not like monica. >> hilarious. we were talking about treating women with respect. >> it's an american ideal that we treat women with respect. >> you've got to give me the back of that shirt one more time. it's too much fun. >> trump that bitch! >> you don't even see the irony in it. i love it. as passionate as these guys were, they weren't passing trump's ideological tests. luckily there was time to study. this will help you prep for the test so if you take it again you will be more welcome here. this is a d.v.d. of the third season of "will and grace."
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>> okay. >> a really likable and not too gay, gay people. this one will be good for you. gloria steinem. this really humanizes women. >> as us feminist, we have so much work to be done. >> you a feminist. >> no. >> extreme vetting was necessary to weed out extremists but until the plan was in place, were any of us safe? do you think the extremists are here right now. >> could be anywhere. >> right here? >> they could be. >> they could be over there, that guy, this guy, anybody. >> could be anybody. >> trevor: thank you, jordan. jordan klepper, everyone. we'll be right back (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a grammy nominated musician who just released a deluxe addition of her album th "the, "the switch."
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now to sing "the animals." emily king. ♪ big teeth in your face ♪ claws like a razor blade ♪ never again will i ever be friends with a big bad wolf like you ♪ poison that will eat you alive ♪ tongue like a dragon fire ♪ never again will i ever be friends with a creepy little snake like you ♪ i didn't learn the first time ♪ but oh i learned the second time ♪ never again will we ever be friends ♪ they told me "don't feed the animals" ♪ i didn't learn the first time ♪ but oh i learned the second time ♪ never again will we ever be friends ♪ they told me "don't feed the animals"
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♪ big teeth in your face ♪ claws like a razor blade ♪ never again will i ever be friends with a big bad wolf like you ♪ poison that will eat you alive ♪ tongue like a dragon fire ♪ never again will i ever be friends with a creepy little snake like you ♪ i didn't learn the first time but oh i learned the second time ♪ never again will we ever be friends ♪ no, i won't feed the animals ♪ i didn't learn the first time but oh i learned the second time ♪ never again will we ever be friends ♪ well, i won't feed the animals. ♪ "don't feed the animals" ♪ almost had me down. ♪ don't feed the animals. ♪ but i know now, yeah
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♪ ain't no friend to me, the enemy ♪ ♪ try to make me be on my knees, oh ♪ ♪ almost had me by the skin of your teeth ♪ ♪ tried to fight it but you couldn't catch me ♪ ♪ hoa, no ♪ whoo ♪ hey, don't feed... ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ don't feed the animals
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♪ don't feed the animals ♪ that's what they told me ♪ no matter what they tell ya ♪ don't feed, feed... ♪ . ♪ ♪ big teeth in your face ♪ claws like a razor blade ♪ never again will i ever be friends with a big bad wolf like you (cheers and applause) ♪ [ hawk squawk ] start boldly with the apple that bites back. [ whip cracks ] redd's wicked apple. it's about to get wicked.
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extra crispy isn't just a product... it's a lifestyle. kfc. it's extra crispy good. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." we're here with emily king, grammy-nominated. you are opened for everyone from john legend through the alabama shakes. when you're on stage with those people, they're the most amazing crowds, is there a part of you that doesn't want to leave the stage? >> yeah, i'm backstage taking notes, you know, trying to pick out the best -- they have security. >> trevor: your outfit is everything. >> thank you! >> trevor: i love it. it's everything. >> i thought you might be wearing the same thing today. >> trevor: it was going to wear the white, then i was, like, it's a thursday and i only have white after the thing, and i was also going to do the hair. >> i figured. >> trevor: how long does it take to do nat? >> i have a system down, about
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ten to 15 minutes. >> trevor: yeah? >> but it's a lot of hair spray. i don't recommend it if you're allergic. >> trevor: i go natural. >> that's the way the go. >> trevor: you can't tell but it's completely natural. to listen to emily king's album, "the switch," it's out now. to play "focus," please welcome emily king. (cheers and applause) ♪ it's a distraction ♪ got the telephone ringin' every moment that i get with you ♪ interaction ♪ got me feelin' kinda shady but i got so many things to do ♪ i didn't notice ♪ last week when you cut your hair you got an attitude
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♪ you think i'm hopeless ♪ i'm gonna try gonna try again to pay attention to you ♪ i'll put my focus ♪ i'll put my focus on you ♪ i'll put my focus ♪ i'll put my focus on you ♪ conversation ♪ you've been lookin' for a job but i didn't even know you quit ♪ hesitation ♪ you took a second then you got real mad said i'm full of it ♪ i didn't notice ♪ last week when you cut your hair you got an attitude


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