tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 27, 2017 11:00pm-11:32pm PST
randy, i love it! - and when it gets cold, it shrinks. - sharon, you got a scrotum coat? - yep. - lucky! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) m♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much, everybody! we have a great guest for you tonight from last week. tonight, john oliver is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) yes! yes! i'm excited! we're all excited! except for janice from accounting because she don't give a (bleep). welcome back to the show, people. we have been away for a week, which in trump time, feels like three years. so good news, his term is almost
over! yeah! yeah! ( cheers and applause ) but, seriously, though, he's got, like, four more years left. ( audience reacts ) you're saying ahhh. ( laughter ) let's take a moment to celebrate the best oscars moment of all time. here's what you missed if you were sleeping through the oscars. >> the biggest blunder in oscar history. >> "la la land." >> the biggest epic blunder. >> "la la land." >> oscars so wrong. >> mange mixup at the 89t 89th annual academy awards. >> i'm sorry. no, there is a mistake. "moonlight," you guys won best picture. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: guys -- i'm sorry, america has too many twists. my heart can't handle this anymore. i can't get over what happened.
the elections, the super bowl, now this h. i'm going to start watching "game of thrones" just to calm my nerves. ( laughter ) everyone is focusing on the negatives of last night. but i think we should focus on the bright side. in front of the whole country, black people were done wrong and minutes later got reparations. i don't care what you say, to me, that is progress. that is progress -- ( cheers and applause ) because -- because, normally, that woul would have taken like, what, 50 years? normally, in america, they would have had to make a movie about how "moonlight" lost the oscar before they would have ac nongd "moonlight"'s oscar. so kudos, that's progress. so let's move on. i got to spend a little time away last week. i will be honest with you, i wanted to escape politics for a while. so i went to disneyland. yeah, which wasn't really a good choice, because everywhere i
looked, i couldn't escape the thought of donald trump. i saw this cartoon idiot named donald with a big red tie everywhere i went. goofy and his bumbling ass reminded me of sean spicer. pluto is steve bannon because he hates jews. ( audience reacts ) missing a week of trump is like doing hear on mark ruffalo. you don't know where to begin. ( laughter ) he's the president. let's talk about what he wants to talk about. the media. >> president trump ratcheting the war on the immediatey. >> news organizations blocked from joining a white house media gaggle. >> the fake news doesn't tell the truth. >> one false story after another. the fake news media. the dishonest media. we are fighting the fake news. it's fake, phoney, fake. they are the enemy of the people. >> trevor: wow -- the enemy of
the people? now, aside from that being a phrase made famous by comrade mustache, the media is a vital part of fawningsing democracy. all this in here, this informs the people. it's the lifeblood of freedom, the press is not the enemy of the people. this is what people need. i mean, not everything, but they need to know about most of the things in here. if i show you this story here, if i -- sorry. i hate it when this -- sorry. (bleep)! i hate you! you're my enemy! ( laughter ) anyway, the press is important, you know what i mean. the press is important. if trump's hostility toward the media wasn't already clear, last friday trump tweeted "i will not be attending the white house correspondents association dinner this year. say what you want about trump but that's the first good
decision he made in office. the first one! ( cheers and applause ) because can you imagine how hard trump would have been roasted at that dinner? can you imagine? someone actually sent me some of the jokes they were thinking of doing. i'll just read a few of them. i don't know even know who wrote these. ( laughter ) says here, trump likes his steak so leathery and overdone to save time with the waiter, he just points at his own face. ( laughter ) president trump has spent more time playing golf than tiger woods, which is appropriate since his policies are going to (bleep) more women than tiger woods did. ( audience reacts ) who wrote these things?! listen to this one, donald trump blows vladimir putin like there are illegal immigrants hiding in putin's (bleep) and he's got to suck them all out. ( audience reacts ) i can't believe people would say those things about the
president! ( laughter ) trump has always hated the media, we know. this one reason he's especially angry now is because the media keeps reporting unflattering leaks from inside the mar-a-lago of the north. >> anonymous sources claim the president spends more time in a bathrobe watching tv or wandering the halls. >> the president retiring at the white house residence after 6:00 in the evening to flip on cable news. >> a report aides can't figure out how to flip the lights on in the cabinet room? they have been meeting in the dark and wandering around testing doorknobs till they find the way out. >> trevor: you know you're in a competent administration when every meeting turns into escape the room. have you looked behind the painting? maybe a clue, guys! maybe it's a clue! ( laughter ) we could keep arguing whether press should publish leaks, but leaks can be the only way to
figure out what the government is doing, whether lying about the vietnam war, watergate, or discovering that the n.s.a. stalks us online, and we know they stalk us because sometimes they accidentally hit the like button, then they delete it taking away my privacy and my likes! ( laughter ) and if your administration even lies about dumb things like how many people came to their parties, it shouldn't be a surprise when a lot of people in the building take it upon themselves to tell the truth. >> the report that was leaked this week by the department of homeland security said country of citizenship is unlikely to be a reliable indicator of potential terrorist activity. >> leaks already leading to the resignation of n.s.a. chief michael flynn. >> a leaked transcript of the call between trump and mexican president enrique peña nieto. >> intelligence leaks. >> at the time, president trump didn't know the contents of an executive order he was signing, didn't know he was giving steve
bannon a seat on the national security council. >> trevor: a leak one after another. they think they have a bowl but they have a colonel dar. not going well, which explains why they are getting so desperate. >> the white house taking unprecedented measures to clamp down on leaks. >> sean spicer met with about a dozen communication staffers last week and staffers were reportedly told to dump their government issued and personal phones for a phone check to prove they had nothing to hide. >> spicer also asked staff not to leak details of the meeting tore the crackdown on leaks. >> trevor: so much for that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah, you can't make this up. you cannot make up this. the leaks are so bad, sean spicer held a secret meeting to stop leaks, which was then immediately leaked. even jesus is, like, man, you got betrayed hard! ( cheers and applause )
this is really sad to see, you know, because donald trump, becoming president, expected loyalty, but, instead, looks like he's getting calmer. don't forget, he's this guy -- >> you see so much from these wikileaks. wikileaks! i love wikileaks! >> incredible information provided by wikileaks, so dishonest, rigged system -- >> trevor: ah, donald trump, you made the classic mistake -- you thought leaks would always help you. but, you see, leaks are like ted cruz, they have no friends. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) >> hi, we're from the streets there's a saying snitches get stitches. times change. when donald trump is president, y'all snitches have a civic responsibility to tell us what he's up to. if you're a member of the
and zyrtec® is different than claritin®. because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. try zyrtec®. muddle no more®. america's favorite cookie delicious european chocolate candy introducing new oreo chocolate candy bars look for them wherever you buy chocolate candy. wthey're about to slow down my data. simple rest easy, fellow streamers, simple mobile gives you truly unlimited high-speed data on a blazing fast 4g lte network. your data will move as fast as a lightning cheetah! haha that was weird. no, that was simple. good day! get truly unlimited high-speed data for 60 bucks a month and the latest smartphones. want better wireless? the answer is simple.
"the daily show"! now, everyone everywhere is still trying to figure out what in the living (bleep) happened at the oscars. here with his expert analysis is our very own roy wood, jr., everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, trevor. >> trevor: roy, welcome to the show. real quick, though, what's going on with the outfit, man? >> i dress up whenever a black movie wins best picture ( laughter ) should have seen me after 12 years a slave won. ( laughter ) in order to for you to understand what happened last night, you have to understand the phenomenon known as peak blackness! >> trevor: i'm sorry, roy. what the hell is peak blackness? >> trevor, peak blackness is a rare meta physical anomaly that can only occur when an ama an ay
mum comes together of blackness. >> trevor: what are you talking about? >> when a lot of black happens together. black history month. beyonce pregnancy with twins. multiple black movies nominated for oscars around frederic davis came back to life. we are operating at maximum levels of blacktivity we haven't seen in decades better known as peak blackness! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: you know, i don't want to call you out, but i'm from africa and i've never heard of peak blackness. >> that's because y'all get it all the time. africa is peak blackness. but for us, it's special. peak blackness is the only time you can do this. >> south carolina protester was arrested at a demonstration in downtown charleston. police say the man jumped a
barricade, tried to take this confederate flack from a man. ( cheers and applause ) >> define the police to fight the confederacy while statement setting a high jump record, peak blackness! ( cheers and applause ) and that is what happened last night. all of this blackness culminated at the oscars. you neumann light was winning because a brother from chicago was taking selfies and touching people's trophies. jimmy kimmel thought he was pranking some old black dude. in any month that would have worked but gary's peak blackness could not be tamed. >> i'm gary from "chicago." >> you know we're on tv so you don't have to do that. >> i want to. >> let me give you a little tour to octavia. we have quite a few stars.
emma stone and her brother spencer. emma brought her brother. i feel like you're ignoring the white celebrities. >> i am! ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, my god! that is amazing! gary was straight up just -- whoa, whoa, what's happening to my hands? what is this? >> peak blackness, trevor! that's what's happening to you. trevor, the oscars were so black, they was turning to mel gibson like, hey, are you just going to sit there or are you going to do something? >> trevor: this is great, we've hit peak blackness? >> mm-hmm. >> trevor: do you think it will ever end? >> oh, no, trevor, peak blackness is here for a long time. real hip-hop is back, remy is beefing with nicki minaj. there is nothing that could end peak blackness. >> trevor: nothing that can end peak blackness, baby! >> peak blackness! >> trevor: peak blackness!
ha! >> it's over. >> trevor: we had a good run. roy wood, jr., everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) is microsoft word on the ipad? yeah, it is. just head to the app store and download it. now, you have microsoft word on your ipad pro and it works with apple pencil. word? word. word! yeah, word. wooooorrrddd. tand a lot of days 'til spring.. ♪ nothing but work is going to make these hop fields yield the fresh smell of citrus and pine.
there are no shortcuts to goose ipa. we don't need to be the only beer you drink. we just want to be the best beer you drink. um, i can't have happen what happened (♪)t time... ahem... here's my card. i'm sure you know your profits are down 8%. so, just let me know if you want to change that. ♪ i believe in you! break through!, break through! nobody does unlimited like t-mobile. while the other guys gouge for unlimited data... t-mobile one save you hundreds a year. right now get two lines of data for $100 dollars. with taxes and fees included. that's right 2 unlimited lines for just $100 bucks. all in. and right now, pair up those two lines with two free samsung galaxy s7 when you switch. yup! free. so switch and save hundreds when you go all unlimited with t-mobile. to encourage trying, goodnessknows invited people who have always wanted to act, to try. and, action!
four delicious bite sized square snacks! great, but it's "snack squares." *bleepá every try is a step to being your best. and now we unleash it onwerful your taxes.pecies has created. hello my name is watson. yep. h&r block and ibm watson together. creating a future of more money going back into the pockets of more families. welcome to taxes won. h&r block with watson. come see us and get your taxes won. five dollars.a one-piece breast. hmm, pot pie costs you five bucks. that's a famous bowl, five bills. tenders for a fiver. and that's my two-piece original recipe, also five dollars. that's five real meals, each for five bucks. kfc, it's finger lickin' good. you guys ever try one of these bars made over at right twix? why?
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight is the host of "las week tonight" on hbo. please welcome john oliver! ( cheers and applause ) >> very kind. you're very kind. >> trevor: this is so much fun for me. >> really? >> trevor: yeah, i feel like i'm watching tv now. >> well, careful, i'm about to say (bleep) and you will have to
bleep that. >> trevor: do you enjoy it? i think you rubbed it in our faces the fact you're the only late night guy that doesn't have to bleep. >> it's nice to be able to swear anyway, but post november, it's really nice to swear. ( laughter ) it's like curse words are something you need in your bag to get through the day. i like to acknowledge the driver. >> trevor: on sunday i'm, like, i'm getting to start my week and john oliver will take me on a journey. you always said no trump. when once it happened, you said, we'll see how long that lasts. >> yeah, he really called me on that bull (bleep) in the most damaging way. i hope i didn't factor into anything he's ever done, but, no, i really enjoyed the time that he was not a relevant political figure. >> trevor: yes. >> it's going to be a while
before i feel that way again. >> trevor: do you ever enjoy trump, though? people always ask me that question. they go, like, do you ever -- >> i'm thinking. i'm coming up snake eyes on that roll at the moment. have i ever enjoyed him? >> trevor: have you never? got to be one time. >> well, no, he's a charismatic, funny man. >> trevor: yes. >> so he was, like, a fun clown, but the beauty with clowns, actual clowns is they can knock into things and their cars explode and their shoes are too big but they don't run the most powerful nation in the world. so i feel like you take the best clown and you put them in the oval office, and things get less funny. ( laughter ) that's my concern. he was funny. he was a funny man, and he should have stuck to that rather than whatever it is that he's doing now. >> trevor: it is terrifying. every single day, it is
terrifying. you know when i knew it was terrifying is when, on your show, you said it's not good enough to just watch the show. it's not good enough to just tweet. you have to get out there and do something. you have to support people. that was maybe the first time i ever saw john oliver come out and go, like, okay, let's put the comedy aside just for a little bit and do something. >> maybe. i don't know. i don't generally like to do that. i don't like to set the comedy assayed, right, because i feel like anything we try to do i want to do through comedy. i think everything is in pursuit of a joke. now, when we do our long stories, right, which can be 20, 30 minutes sometimes -- >> trevor: i've noticed. ( laughter ) >> yeah, it can feel longer. i understand that. you feel like you want to give some sense of closing an argument out. >> trevor: yeah. >> so you don't want to talk for 20 minutes, paint a terrible picture and then say, okay, good night. so sometimes we like to point
towards what we think would be a solution to those things and occasionally people might have some power in terms of facilitating some kind of change, but that is not the reason for doing what we do. >> trevor: do you ever, like, read the news the next day and then you were just trying to high light an issue and they go, like, john oliver eviscerates -- and you're, like, i was just trying to talk about the issue. do you eviscerate by mistake? >> accidental evies regulation is the worst kind. in a long piece, we work very hard to put nuance in there because things are rarely black and white. so we really try and inject nuance, and then you can't really do anything about the fact that's often packaged in a very reductive way. so if you spent weeks working on something and you try and show the shades of grey in it and then someone says he disembowels this issue you think, well, i
didn't really do it, but i didn't say i did. i didn't say i was going to disembowel you. you're making me promise things i didn't promise. >> trevor: sounds like a really humble politician -- i really didn't promise that, and they made me deliver. ( laughter ) i don't think we have that as much. people want eviseration, they want you to destroy a thing. >> jon stewart takes a sword to the heart of this issue, pulls its out, wipes the sword off and slinks it on his trousers. ( laughter ) yeah, it's silly, but you can't do anything about the secondary packaging so you've just got to move on. >> trevor: if you had a chance to do a "the daily show," would you do it? like looking at how much news comes out now. you have sunday and everyone says the grass is greener on the other side. >> yes. >> trevor: i watch your show and i'm, like, man you're so lucky, john you get to do one
show a week. >> it feels that way. because, you know, there's a lot that goes into that. >> trevor: yeah. >> so there's a real -- there's a greet mental clarity to having a show to do the next day because then you don't feel too bad about the show you've just done, not that this was terrible! ( laughter ) i'm just saying! i'm just saying, you will be fine tomorrow! you can take another swing! that's all i'm just saying. >> trevor: did you just eviscerate me?! i feel like you just eviscerated me. >> that was accident. >> i just got eviscerated by john oliver in an interview! >> thank you so much. >> trevor: john oliver, everybody! we'll be right back! my laptop has the nastiest virus and i'm terrified. yeah, that is scary. you know an ipad pro doesn't get pc viruses,
so relax there's nothing to be afraid of. ... except ghosts! ahhhhh! america's favorite cookie delicious european chocolate candy introducing new oreo chocolate candy bars look for them wherever you buy chocolate candy. hwith 5 lines for justw at$100 per month.ss. plus, switch and get up to 5 free samsung galaxy amp 2 smartphones. so get more, save more and get down. cricket wireless. something to smile about fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. ♪i'm mor♪made of shrimpch ♪i believe in myself
we have seen the glory come, go, and come again. but a cadillac is no trophy. what you see is our future and it will inspire every car that follows. ♪ ♪ tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> clifton city leaders decide not to change the name of ellsworth street to -- d-i-c
>> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. these are all the best moments your d.v.r. cut off today. it was an eventful night in hollywood at the swarovski crystal explosion we call the academy awards. memorable moments included jimmy kimmel impregnating celebrities with flying cookie sperms from above. that's ryan gosling. and of course, russia hacked warren beatty. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you know it all worked out fine. you know, it was an unf
Uploaded by TV Archive on