tv The Daily Show Comedy Central May 3, 2017 1:40am-2:11am PDT
"i have truly become one with the natives, who found new courage to fight their oppressors." - we are not surrendering today! go back and tell your leaders that we will fight them until the end! [cheers and applause] - [sighs] you people just don't give up, do you? - "the american government finally gave in to the natives, "and had the mahalo rewards cards reinstated. "our two cultures, it appears, will once again live in peace." [cheers and applause] "with the war at an end, "our butters is able to have his hapa noa ceremony "and, with any help from the gods, become his old cheery self again." - and so it is with great honor that we recognize these two natives with their hapa loa. take your cards, boys. a puy loa hapa loa! apa a a hoo ha! - [blowing conch weakly]
- it's finally over, young keiki. is your anger at rest? - yeah, i guess so. except it still doesn't change the fact that ben affleck gets to be handsome, talented, and then gets to go home and kiss jennifer lopez. - ben affleck isn't with jennifer lopez anymore. he's married to jennifer garner. - yeah. - it's true. - what? really? but i thought i was totally jealous of him! he's just married to jennifer garner? oh, my gosh. i feel so much better! - you do? - yeah. oh, i like that ben affleck guy. he's a good filmmaker. come on, kenny. i guess i owe the kids at school an apology. did you see argo, kenny? it's a pretty good movie. ben affleck has a lot going for him. not everything, but a lot. whoopee! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause )
>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. our guest tonight, w. kamau bell is joining us, everybody. but first, yesterday was may 1. also known as international workers day. now, it's usually a time for peaceful marches, protests, and occasionally breaking (bleep). >> a may day rally turned violent in portland after riots broke out. >> demonstrators throwing smoke bombs, molotov cocktails and other objects at police officers. >> dozens arrested as self-described anarchists charged police officers with incendiary devices as trump and anti-trump demonstrators faced off.
>> trevor: it is so hard to be a bike cop. ( laughter ) day in, day out. you're out there with your bicycle, looking goofy, and then the one day when other cops get to dress up in scary riot gear, they still make you carry the bicycle? ( laughter ) "don't i get a shield, man?" "shut up, bike guy!" obviously, this is serious stuff, right. this was supposed to be a labor protest, not a riot. although, there is something a little bit funny about a labor protest in portland, the hipster capital of the world. you know, it's like, "we're here for workers' rights." "well, what's your job, man? "oh, i write unicycle poetry. it's a thing." ( laughter ) let's move on. do you guys remember hillary clinton? yes, yes? yes, the overqualified presidential candidate. and part-time i.t. consultant, who was meant to smash through the glass ceiling, yes, and it turned out the glass was bulletproof. remember that, yes? well, today, that very same hillary clinton finally came out of the woods for an interview
with christiane amanpour in of at a conference in new york. and you could tell hillary has been spending time deep in that forest because she clearly found some shade. >> you spoke about the sexism, misogyny, and inequity around the world, but do you believe it exists here, still, and do you think-- ( laughter ) do you think-- ( laughter ). >> because, you know, health care is complicated. ( laughter ) and, remember, i did win more than three million votes than my opponent. ( cheers and applause ) so it's like-- really? he should worry less about the election and my winning the popular vote than doing some other things that would be important for the country. ( applause ). >> trevor: heeey. heeey! damn! hillary was informed today. yeah, she did so much dissing, all of the memes just joinedded her on stage. they were like-- ( laughter ) i will say, this is classic hillary, though. she goes away for six months,
plans all of her comebacks, then goes on christiane amanpour, and just lets them fly, you know. "guess what, trump? the jerk store called." ( laughter ) now, the reason hillary clinton was at this conference was to promote more involvement of women in government and society. so, of course, the number one question was, "why don't you have more involvement in government and society?" >> he had one message, your opponent, and it was a successful message-- "make america great again." and where was your message? do you take any personal responsible? >> oh, of course. i take absolute personal responsibility. i was the candidate. but i was on the way to winning until a combination of jim comey's letter on october 28, and russian wick leaks raised doubts in the minds of people who were inclined to vote for me but got scared off. >> trevor: "and i was on the way to winning that race until usain bolt ran faster than me."
( laughter ) look, don't get me wrong-- i get that hillary is sick about, you know-- sick of talking about all this, especially considering that losing to trump has somehow defined her. which is weird because if you think about it, hillary was a senator. she was a secretary of state. there's no doubt she was a pioneer. but now whenever she speaks, that's all people want to hear about, you know. one day when she sees a car accident she'll be like, "hello, 911. i'd like to report a crash. yes. uh-huh. well, michigan, the poll numbers really didn't-- yeah. they didn't account for-- yeah. okay." and by the way i'm not just making this up. you can tell hillary is so over the election right now. >> within an hour or two of the "hollywood access" tape being made public, the russian best of john podaeft's emails hit
wikileaks. you just can't make this stuff up. did we make mistakes? , of course, we did. did i make mistakes? oh, my gosh, yes. you'll read my confession and my request for absolution. >> trevor: lock me up. lock me up. lock me up. ( laughter ) you know, i will say this-- after 100 days of president trump, it was pretty refreshing to hear a politician talk in full sentences. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) are about-- about complicated issues. >> now, the north koreans are always interested-- not just kim jong-un, but his father before him-- were always interested in trying to get americans to come to negotiate, to elevate their status and their position. and we should be very careful about giving that away. you should not offer that in the absence of a broader, strategic
framework to try to get china, japan, russia, south korea to put the kind of pressure on the regime that will finally bring them to the negotiating table with some kind of realistic prospect for change. >> trevor: wow. ( laughter ) i mean, no "tremendouses." no hand gestures. not one description of chocolate cake. no. i didn't realize how much i'd missed hearing sentences with a beginning, middle, and end. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i didn't even realize it. like, you can really tell when hillary's speaking, she knows who frederick douglass is. ( laughter ) and now, just-- just for comparison, let's take a look at the current president, who cbs' john dickerson recently asked about the saying that since the
oval office has no corners, there's nowhere to hide. and, clearly, the president did not understand that that was a metaphor. >> george w. bush said the reason the oval office is round is there are no corners you can hide in. >> well, there's truth to that. there's truth to that. there are certainly no corners. you look and there's a census openness but there's nobody out there. there's an openness but i've never seen anybody out there, actually, if you can imagine. >> what he meant was it all comes back to you. >> sure, sure, it does, it does. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: wow. i say that journalist is very professional because you realize in that moment, he's saying metaphorically, and donald trump is like, "you're right, there's no corners. nowhere to hide. there could be someone out
there. you never know. we should put some corners in." so now, basically, we can add metaphors to the list of things president trump has very little knowledge of. as exciting as it was to see hillary back in the mix, it didn't take long to be reminded why she doesn't connect, though, with so many american voters. >> we have to make investments in even more comprehensive job training and education it provide the skills that are going to be necessary. and we sahave to invest in certain sectors of the economy where we think we can stay ahead of the >> trevor: hey, hillary, ben carson called. he... wants... his... cadence... back. ( laughter ) the fact is, we've all been inundated by cable news' fake excitement and sound bitingness
for so long, i don't think hillary clinton or a candidate like her could ever connect with people. say what you want about donald trump, he doesn't bore you. listening to hillary talk after getting used to trump, is like getting an iphone after owning a samsung-- you know the iphone won't explode but you miss the unpredictability. today felt like america saw the one that got away. and people were like, "damn, maybe i didn't give her enough credit. you know, we could have maybe had something." you can't reminisce for too long because the one you chose is calling right now going, "come home, honey! we're going to build a wall!" we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ party up
what do you think? that's pretty. pretty sexy. it's all-wheel drive. look at that. it looks aggressive. but not overbearing. it's not too big. not too small. it looks like it can go off-roading. but at the same time, it looks like a car you can take to a nice event. you can dress it up or dress it down. seems like the perfect car for anybody. i would take it anywhere. i want one. i love it. she's a bad mama jama. chevy stepped their game up. the shlike a bald penguin. how do i look? [ laughing ] show me the billboard music awards.
show me top artist. show me the top hot 100 artist. they give awards for being hot and 100 years old? we'll take 2! [ laughing ] xfinity x1 gives you exclusive access to the best of the billboard music awards just by using your voice. the billboard music awards. sunday, may 21st eight seven central only on abc. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: back back to "the daily show." you know, ever since united airlines knot in trouble for upgrading a passenger to wrestling class, people have started paying close attention to how airlines treat customers. there have been many viral videos of crazy stuff happening on airplanes. in fact, they're thinking about starting an airlines for world star airlines, right. basically what happens is you're just going to choose your section-- first class, economy, or mcdonald's parking lot-- and then if they have an emergency, phones drop down from the ceiling so you can film yourself. "aaah! world star!
"for more on the trends in travel, we turn to senior travel correspondent, character everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, thank you. >> thanks, trevor. look, flying suction, right? it's always sucked but back in the day we just couldn't record how much it sucked. now with camera phones we can relive those terrible moments forever. >> this delta pilot was caught hitting a passenger. >> american immediately suspended the flight attendant who allegedly ripped a stroller away from a mother, nearly striking the child in the process. >> hey, buld, you do that to me and i'll knock you flat. >> another disturbing airline incident caught on camera. two passengers throwing punches at each other. the man in red ideal, "you think i'm crazy? the government is crazy." ( laughter ) >> no, dude, you're crazy. all right? who fights in a hawaiian shirt? ( laughter ) he's like the angriest guy at the luau. why is there no embrella in my
pina colaud. what is this a new preflight routine-- here are the seat belts, here's the exit. we want a good, clean fight! you think detroit is tough? try being in border zone five. come on, people, we can't keep fighting each other on airplanes. >> a passenger stung by a scorpion. the united flight was heading from houston to calgary when the scorpion suddenly dropped from the overhead bin, landing on a passenger's head. >> why are we fighting desert animals in the sky? ( laughter ) okay. look, if a bird picks a fight with me, okay, maybe. but a scorpion, no. i'm not mentally prepared for that. and the worst part is, when a scorpion stings me, i won't have the antidote, because it's more than three ounces. ( applause ) yeah. right. so now i'm dead. like, this rabbit. >> united airlines is dealing
with another p.r. nightmare following the death of a giant rabbit. >> they came out with a statement, "the safety and well-being of all animals that travel with us is of the utmost importance to united airlines." what makes matters worse was simon was a promising rabbit. at 129 centimeters long, his father, darius, holds the guinness world record for being the biggest rabbit. >> thanks a lot, united. you killed the yao ming rabbit. excuse me, this is a professionally big rabbit. like a first-ballot hall-of-fame rabbit. >> trevor: gee, ronny, i fly, but i didn't realize flying had gotten so bad, man. is there anything the airlines can do? >> well, i'm glad you asked, trevor. first of all, hey, airlines, stop overbook flights, okay! ( cheers and applause ) yeah, this is what you do, okay? you count the seats on your plane, and then you sell that number of tickets. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's it.
sorry, is that too difficult to understand? second thing, we don't need 20 websites searching each other for cheaper flights, okay? just have one website. call it "the cheapest flight." that's it. we go there, and we get the cheapest flight. and if there's a delay, they should pay us. that's how it works. and if we crash into the ocean- ( applause ) yeah. if we crash into the ocean, we need knives under our seats. otherwise, we're sitting there like chicken mcnuggets for sharks. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you know, ronny, actually, i heard congress is having hearings today, and congress is going to figure out a way to make a passenger bill of rights. >> great, congress in charge of airlines. next time i go home, i'm driving. >> trevor: thanks, ronny. ronny chang, everybody. we'll be right back. chiewbl chiewb starbucks doubleshot energy. it's the bold taste of real starbucks coffee blended with a variety of delicious flavors for the energy you need all day... and the great taste you want right now. starbucks doubleshot.
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>> trevor: welcome to the show, my friend. >> thank you for having me back, sir. >> trevor: great to have you. just for the few of you asking themselves, no, this is not "quest love." ( laughter ). >> nor is it "dr. cornell west." >> trevor: you get that. be honest. >> i have signed autographs. i've kissed baby as quest love. >> trevor: welcome back to the show. you're going around america >> you're doing great. >> trevor: you're doing a great job. your show on cnn is coming back, "united shades of america." you're going around america, you're meeting crazy people-- let's be honest. but this sunday was interesting, you had richard spencer on the show. >> yes. >> trevor: who is a nazi. >> yeah. >> trevor: who says he's not,
but he is. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> trevor: and people came up to you and said, "hey, man. why did you have him on the show? why are you giving this guy a platform? why did you have him on the show? >> i'm not afraid of richard spencer's ideas, and we all think we're all as woke as each other. we're not all #woke. some of us are #asleep. yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: so in that world, basically, what you're saying is you're not afraid richard spencer is going to have some new racism that will convince you? >> yeah, like, "oh, you're right. black people aren't as good as white people. thank you, sir." and giving him a platform means if i went and said, "hey, man. you take the show for the hour. i'm taking the week off." that's how it works. it's very clear when you watch the show whose side i'm on-- everybody else's. the election popular results show that my ideas can win this country if we get rid of the, you know, electoral college, leftover slave holder math. then we'll be fine. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: let's talk about--
let's talk about that free speech, because you live in berkeley, last i checked, right? >> yes, i'll fight you, yes. >> trevor: did you say "i'll fight you"? >> i live in berkeley. what, what did you say? berkeley is the new compton. >> trevor: how do you feel about that? >> free speech means freedom, speech-- you know, i'm not telling you anything you don't know. you had to take the test. i didn't take to get in this country. i just fell out of my mom. free speech is not the government stopping you from expressing yourself. if you're going to show up some place and bait people and intentionally, like, target students, like milo has or intentionally start trouble, then other people are going to show up and have a different version of that free speech. mye whole point of that is you can have the freedom of speech but have the responsibility for the free speech and know what it might do. if you're going to go on a college campus like milo or ann coulter or richard spencer and intentionally start something, then be responsible. you know, louis farrakhan also
goes on college campuses and knows people might be agitated. you know what he also does? he brings security. he knows, "i need to protect myself. i need to protect the college and the whole venue." i'm saying, ann coulter, call the nation of islam. maybe they'll protect you. >> trevor: wouldn't that be a combination? >> i would love it! i'm pitching it as a romantic comedy. >> trevor: "the white devil wears prada." ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah! >> trevor: that's title i'm going to give you. >> yeah, yeah. >> trevor: enough about that. let's-- ( laughter ) let's talk about-- let's talk about the book, because you talk about being a dad. >> yeah. >> trevor: and you are the father to two beautiful daughters. >> yeah. >> trevor: right. and this was-- this was really-- it was poignant, and it was vulnerable of you. but you say here, "being a big, black man is why i realized i was so happy to have a daughter, and it's why i was so happy to then have a second daughter. i felt some sense of relief. i didn't want to have to figure out how to talk to them about how to be a black man in
america. i recognize it's extremely selfish-- it's an extremely selfish thought to have. i need to be talking to every black man i know about being a black man in this country, now, more than ever." like, that is an insane thought to have when you are having children and you're saying, "thank god you're not a male because you may live longer." >> and i want to be clear. i don't think black women have it somehow easier than black men. >> trevor: it's a different challenge. >> it's a different challenge. i just know to have to sit down and have that black male discussion that i had to have and i feel every day, it just felt like-- like i said, they have different challenges, but i feel like it's-- it's intense, man. >> trevor: do you think it's less frightening, maybe? because, i mean, we do know that in many ways, american women have it the worst, statistically. everything speaks to that. but maybe it's just a little less frightening for you as a black man, you see your daughters as less of a threat?
is that what it might be? >> there's this sense of if i had a black son, at what age do i have to tell him, "be careful"? there's a thing that black men, we always-- people always think we're older than we are. my mom, when i was, like, 11, she was like, "when you go outside, you're a grown-up now." >> trevor: wow. >> yeah, and so to me, there's a different type of conversation to have a-- i have black women in my life to support my two black daughters, but that conversation is a bummer, man. and i can't-- i can't-- that's why the book is awkward. i feel awkward talking about it right now, you know what i'm saying? i don't want to say the wrong thing, but there was the thing about the conversation about you are identified as either a threat currently or a future threat, which as we know with jordan edwards, it's like just because he was black, he was a threat. nobody cared about his report card or what he was doing with his life, you know. a so, that's-- it's a conversation i was, in some sense, relieved not have and then felt really bad about the fact i was relieved not have it.
and i wrote it in the book so everybody could feel awkward with me. ( laughter ). >> trevor: i can tell you, it comes across. we appreciate you sharing. it's a really fantastic story. thank you so much. kamau's show, "united shades of america," airs sundays at 10 p.m. on cnn, and "the awkward thoughts of w. kamau bell" is available now. w. kamau bell, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )