tv The Daily Show Comedy Central May 23, 2017 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT
ral >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah. tonight i could not be more excited. we have kerry washington joining us everybody. ( cheers and applause ) she's great, isn't she folks. after the world saw how a private conversation donald trump had almost destroyed him, most people said, "you know what? i've got to be more careful around mics." but down in brazil, the government heard that tape and was like... >> denying that the president seen here, authorized bribes.
>> he's facing claims there are recordings of him discussing payments to silence a former speaker of parl. >> there are supposedly some tapes. >> a potential political crisis, tape recordings of potential payment of hush money by the current president. >> trevor: i don't understand this. how are people still being caught saying scandalous (bleep) on tape? here's a rule, guys, in 2017 you should always assume you're being recorded. "i assume i'm being recorded right now. i just assume that. that's why i won't share my real views on koala bears. i won't." eucalyptus chewing (bleep). anyway, i've said enough. i've said enough. because i know. now, i've been trying to keep up with the scandals plaguing the brazilian government. the current president is part of the team that tried to get the old president out for corruption, and this is going to be more corruption maybe. the truth, is i can't keep up, because i've been swamped with all the scandals happening right here with president trump.
it honestly feels like this guy stops all other news. there are probably asteroids headed to us right now. ( laughter ) that looking at each other like, "yo, man, maybe we should come back later. yeah, no one is going to notice us. let's go." this whole week has been engulfed by russia and by comey. and we just don't have time for anything else. but luckily for us, whenever this happens, we have the perfectly segment at "the daily show" and it's called "ain't nobody got time for that." ( cheers and applause ) let's get right into it because it turns out brazil isn't the only nation whose top people have something to hide. >> the king of the netherlands has revealed he's been leading a secret second life as a commercial airline pilot king willem-alexander has been moonlighting as a copilot for the past 21 years. the 50-year-old monarch has been flying short-haul routes twice a month with his passengers none the wiser. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? ( laughter ) the king of the netherlands was a secret airline pilot?
how did no one notice? ( laughter ) or maybe people did notice. it's just that no one can take you seriously when you get off a flight from amsterdam. it's like, "dude, the pilot was the king!" ( laughter ) "okay, chaz, okay." ( laughter ) but, still, this is unbelievable. the dutch king secretly working as an airline pilot. now it makes me wonder, you know all those pictures we've seen of queen elizabeth driving? like, what if she's actually an uber driver, huh? we don't know. brexit hit the british so hard, the queen is like,"i guess it's time for a side hustle." i bet if the queen was an uber driver, her small talk would be hilarious. just looking over in the car. "so you're poor? i've heard of that. it must be dreadful." i guess this is the world we live in now-- world leaders have a second job. the king of holland is a pilot, the queen drives for uber,
possibly. and donald trump is a task rabbit for putin. you guys don't like task rabbits? is that what it is. i wish it was the kind of week we could have more fun with this crazy story but we just don't have the time because the president of turkey was visiting america. and it turns out, he brought his laws with him. >> there have been some new and startling images emerging from washington, d.c., not far from the white house, in fact. it all happened as the highly controversial president of turkey was visiting here to meet president trump at the white house. protesters in the nation's capital allegedly attacked by president erdogan's own security. and some of the people attacked in this video were americans who were protesting. >> trevor: sweet jesus. do you understand how insane this is? a foreign leader brought his goons into america to turn a peaceful protest into a surprise black friday. it's worse than that because you don't get to leave with a tv. i mean, that is one of the scariest things. especially for me, i'm not gonna to lie.
because in america, i'm safe, i can talk (bleep) about anybody. now foreign leaders can come in and punish you? imagine if the queen heard my jokes from earlier on. now she's waiting at "the daily show" like, "where's trevor? where is he?" where is trevor?" beating up america, like, in any other news cycle, this would be the story we'd all be talking about-- a forbe president security detail beating up american citizens exercising their first amendment protest rights. this is like watching a stranger come into your house and just start beating up your kids. you know, like, "daddy, daddy! this strange man is beating us." "i know, i know, he's teaching me how to do it! ( laughter ) carry on. uh-huh. uh-huh. i like your style." ( laughter ) the story of erdogan's people beating up protesters in d.c. is particularly disconcerting, because now it feels like there's a leader in the white house who appreciates that level of force. and with more time, we could have delved into trump's admiration for autocrats, you
know, but the truth is the story that we have to cover is the one that just broke last night. >> it's been a stunning week and a stunning 24 hours with events that have potentially enormous implications for the white house. now word of a special counsel to investigate whether there was collusion between the trump campaign and the russians. >> trevor: oh, damn! ( cheers and applause ) oh, damn, people! a special counsel is going to be investigating trump! ( laughter ) you know what that means. trump is going to prison! no, not really. he's going to serve two terms probably! two terms in prison! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! to visit hillary clinton. who he locked up. no? i keep losing you guys. this is weird. this is weird. ( laughter ) now, look, we don't know what's going to happen, right? what we do know is both republicans and democrats are putting a lot of trust into the man who is now investigating donald trump because it looks like he's one of the good ones. >> the man leading this new
investigation, bob mueller, a former f.b.i. director, in some ways a unique figure in washington. last confirmed by the senate 100-0. his prestigious 10-year appointment as f.b.i. director extended by an additional two years. >> there is no more respected figure in american law enforcement than bob mueller. he's a joke. more important, he's a marine. >> wow, forget investigating the president. just make this guy the president. seriously, good at his job and everybody lukes him? he's leak a reverse donald trump. i bet his hands are huge. watching these people on the news are talking about mueller like black guys in the barber shop talk about sport
like, "yo, man, bob mueller is on track to be one of the greatest of all time, man, coming out of retirement, going after the president. comey was robbed! that dude would have been the goat. came after hillary and trump." "you younguns don't know nothing about federal law enforcement. if j. edgar hoover were around today, man, he would be running circles around their skinny white aases." ( cheers and applause ) "man, (bleep) j. edgar hoover. (bleep) j. edgar hoover. we still don't know who killed kennedy." with the boy, you better watch your mouth. i was cutting your daddy's hair." "all right, man, that's $20. have a good day. god bless. god bless, brother, god bless." ( cheers and applause ) barber shop 5. thank you very much. ( laughter ) now, obviously, a special prosecutor, especially of mueller's stature, essentially puts the white house on notice, and you could tell by the way they reacted last night. >> the white house released a statement saying "there was no collusion between my campaign and any foreign entity.
i look forward to this matter concluding quickly." >> trevor: wow. you know what? i'm proud of trump. that's a smart response. it's calm. it's measured. it's appropriate. it's also clearly not for him. ( laughter ) you see, for real trump, you have to wait until the morning. >> the president is awake. he seems angry, and he is tweeting this morning. gone is the relatively measured statement from last night. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: did you hear what that guy said? "the president is awake and he seems angry." trump being awake is breaking news? that sounds less like a president and more like we're being ruled by the giant in "jack and the bean stalk." "he's awake and he's angry." fe, fi, fo, fum. i smell the counsel of a special one! be he alive or be he dead, i
ground his bones to make my skin read. what is this? anyway, anyway, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. what were the tweets? >> here are the tweets from the president this morning saying, "with all the illegal acts that took place in the clinton campaign and obama administration, there was never a special counsel appointed." the other tweet, "this is the single greatest witch-hunt of a politician in american history." >> trevor: you know, sometimes i feel bad for trump's press team. i mean, every day, they're probably coaching him saying, "all right, mr. president, just go out there and be calm and we'll get through this." and he's like, "got it, got it, stay calm." be presidential." "mr. president, question." "(bleep) you, guys! you are my minimum! i wish you were all dead, super dead, most dead ever. ( laughter ) all right, how did i do?" ( cheers and applause ) who is this guy?
you know what? i know that they're struggling right now, but i hope that twitter never goes out of business, because without them, we'd never know who the president really is. and that's all we didn't have time for. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) heineken tastes perfect every single time and that doesn't happen by accident - it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. almost as long as it took me to master this look. ♪ still practicing. it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster.
there's more behind the star. to encourage trying, goodnessknows invited people who've always wanted to act, to try. and, action! four delicious bite sized square snacks! great, but it's "snack squares." [bleep] every try is a step to being your best. ♪try a little goodness ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra.
candidate is taking transparency to a new level. desi lydic filed this report. >> arizona's the most die-hard red state in the southwest, but a new democratic candidate is using a radical approach to take back the governor's seat. meet noah dyer. in many ways a typical democrat. >> the most important things are we reform education, immigration, health care. >> but what sets his campaign apart is his goal of cleaning up the cesspool of political scandal and controversy that's taken over arizona politics. >> i'm a politician who is going to get people the whole truth. i have been totally honest and transparent from day one. >> wow. i appreciate the honesty thing. and he means totally honest. >> when i launched my campaign, i revealed everything that i have done. there's a statement on my website that reveals that i've had a lot of casual sex and sex with married women. >> come again? >> i've had a lot of sex with married women. >> sorry, tell me again, what office are you running for? >> governor of arizona. >> you know that we're recording
this. >> i've had a lot of sex. i intend to keep having sex. >> it's not that kind of show, so i don't want to get too deep into it. but, like, specifically, what sex stuff? >> group sex with lots of people and-- >> okay, say no more. >> text sex, and i've recorded video during sex. sometimes it's just an eight-second video and other times it can go on for quite some time. >> turns out this guy was totally for real, and the press poured out love for his unconventional campaign. >> he is tapping into something really important when it comes to campaigning in an authentic way. >> everybody can appreciate somebody who is an open book. >> of course, dyer's open books have some pages stuck together but he's hoping to get through the steamy chapters pretty quickly. >> i don't actually want to talk about my sex life. i just shared it at the get-go so that we can not talk about it. >> but there's a tab on your website about it. >> right. >> but if he's going to defeat incumbent doug ducey, dyer is going to need a few other tabs.
do you have anything else going on in your life to distract people from all the sex stuff? >> sure. >> what? >> i've got an example of a speech here that i gave in a legislative district meeting. >> great. >> doug ducey has made alliances with selfish business and political leaders that rape arizona's most crucial communities. when their policies rape our public school students and teachers, when they rape our l.g.b.t.q. community, and rape our poor-- >> thigh call it job creation. >> okay, i'll take that, okay. do all your speeches have that much rape in them? >> my intention was to really make people feel that these policies are bad. >> i'd scale back, like, 100% on the rape. this guy has to spend some time not campaigning with his dick. what makes him electable? >> i guess when-- i speak spanish, and i included that as part of my campaign because it's legitimately who i am. >> mi gusta. >> que bien. >> i guess i'm a hobby stage hypnotist. >> you're a hypnotist?
>> yes. >> there's going to be a republican governor for a long time. >> i don't think so. i see a lot of people who are excited about this campaign, and we're going to do better than the odds predict. >> so i tagged along as dyer tried to show me his fired up electorate. >> i'm noah dyer. i'm running for governor of arizona. part of my thing is honesty. i found a lot of people don't think politician can be trusted. >> he's had group sex. >> i have had group sex. could you vote for somebody who has had group sex before? >> no. i don't know if i want a governor who is having group sex. why do you need to disclose that? >> but they weren't exactly on board. >> do you feel like you could trust me more because i've been honest with that up front? >> yes. >> but you're not going to vote for him. >> probably not, no. >> clearly, dyer couldn't get elected on his own. so i brought my fanly camera crew to help him out with his campaign commercial. all he had to do was steer clear of the sex stuff and be normal. think just empty patriotism, and-- oh, (bleep), your wife. here, perfect.
>> my name is noah dyer, and i'm running for governor of arizona. i've had lots of sex, including casual sex and group sex that i've even recorded. >> cut, cut. yeah, okay, that-- can you do that again but without mentioning sex seven times? action. >> my name is noah dyer, and i'm running for governor of arizona. i want you to know i'm going to be an honest and transparent politician. >> once dyer finally dropped all the sex stuff, he was actually pretty electable. so forget transparency. we all want to have group sex. we just don't want our governors having group sex, or something. i don't know. i need a drink. >> i actually don't drink. >> what? >> i have actually never had a drink. >> what, you have sex sober? >> yes. >> that is the most (bleep) up thing i have ever heard. good luck, arizona. you're going to need it. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you, desi. >> trevor: thank you, desi. we'll be right back.
♪ >> trevor: thank you, desi. we'll be right back. hey hey canelo... ...no bueno, be bold, put the... hey be bolder. tecate light born bold. in the desert. at the mall. on the mountain. at school. here. at the beach. in the big easy. yeah yeah today i want to show you guys the next-gen chevy equinox. what do you think? that's pretty. pretty sexy. it looks aggressive. but not overbearing. it's not too big. not too small. seems like the perfect car for anybody. i would take it anywhere. she's a bad mama jama. it's the chevy memorial day sales event. current qualified gm lessees can get this all-new 2018 equinox for around 239 a month. find new roads at your local chevy dealer.
>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor who stars in the hit series "scandal" on abc. please welcome kerry washington. ( cheers and applause ) >> hi! hi. >> trevor: i feel like you're coming to fix something. >> are you broken? >> trevor: everything is broken. are you kidding me? >> everything is broken. i watched that opening. >> trevor: we need olivia pope. that's what we need.
( cheers and applause ) we need olivia pope on our side. >> i actually-- i woke up the morning after the election and olivia pope was trending because so many people were tweeting all ready on facebook, "olivia pope, fix this. you have to fix this." and i have to tell you, it actually made me very angry. >> trevor: why? >> i'm super happy we're in the zeitgeist and people are talking about us, but, you know, we are a democracy. we are a representational democracy, and we got into this problem because we thought a character on television could fix our problems. ( applause ) and the people who have to fix our problems are us. we, the people, means we have to show up. half the country didn't vote, so we have to show up. we have to participate. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: i hear you there. this is-- this is a sad time for us because of the country we're experiencing right now, and also because we've now found out that the coming season of "scandal" is going to be the seventh and final, final season? >> it is. >> trevor: how is that possible? >> that's so sweet of everybody to pretend you're mad. >> trevor: no, we're sad. >> it is, it's very-- it's
surreal for me, quite honestly, because we've become such a family. the cast is such a family, and i feel like our gladiators, our audience, people who watch the show are such gladiators. it's hard. it's hard. but i also think it's great. because we get to know when the show is ending. we get to give it our all in the last season. put it all out on the table. make it the best season ever. >> trevor: do you ever think that maybe "scandal" has a hard act to follow with what's happening in real life? because i remember i used to watch "scandal," and think, "this is so crazy. imagine if this happened." and now i'm like, "i need to watch 'scandal' to calm down." >> it's true. we have-- our writers have really been challenged because it used to be impossible to imagine-- i mean, the writers actually were going to end this season with the russians hacking the election. and they were like, "i guess we can't do that because that's a reality show." ( laughter ) so they've had to completely restructure the end of the show, which is very cool now.
it's really good. it's really good. i was actually thinking, like, this comes on exactly after our two-hour finale ends. so i know my entire family, that's what they do on thursdays in the bronx, the boogie down bronx. anybody here from the bronx? ( cheers and applause ) they're all from the bronx. but my entire family, they always click straight from "scandal" to your show. >> trevor: thank you very much. that's exciting. that's nice. they probably do the same thing: "all right, that was calm. now we can go into trump news." >> big fans, big fans. >> trevor: when you are working on the show, you know one thing i really loved about "scandal" from the very beginning was the position that you were in on the show. olivia was someone who was powerful but still flawed. it was a female character who managed-- i feel for myself, to balance the narrative of still being-- >> human. >> trevor: human and a woman. >> yes. >> trevor: while being powerful and running (bleep). was that a journey that you were proud to go on with the character? >> yeah, i had never seen a character like this on television before for a black woman. >> trevor: right.
>> so it was really exciting to play somebody that was so aspirational, such a role model in terms of being, you know, an entrepreneur and running (bleep) in d.c. and just being in charge, and yet a total mess in her personal life-- you know, sleeping with other people's husbands and stuff. so that was great, because i feel like i have a lot of friends like that, or i've had those moments in my life-- not saying-- where i feel like my own life, i can't get it together. >> trevor: and professionally, it seems like you've got everything under control. >> that's right. >> trevor: we love the show. we love every single one of you on the show. we're so happy for you. we're happy for the new baby. we're happy for everything you're doing. we're excited to see where you go from here. we're your biggest fans. thank you so much for being on the show. you can watch season six of "scandal" on abc.com and the abc app. kerry washington, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) advil liqui - gels work so fast you'll ask what bad back? what pulled hammy? advil liqui - gels make pain a distant memory
nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain? advil. doto be our next spokesperson?m seems like a good fit. but he's so boring. i'm yawning just talking about him. well it's our job to change that. uh guys. i think he can hear us. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume? yes, it's laminated. no thanks. you're hired! caramel has been square for far too long. uh. ow. introducing new caramel m&m's. ♪ it's not just a car, it's your daily treat. ♪ go ahead, spoil yourself. the es and es hybrid. experience amazing. the past neveforever.s buried... oh my god. you have opened the doorway
between this world... and the next. we've angered the gods. kill her nick! because of what you have done this ancient power has returned. she, has returned. rated pg-13. the goalie has studied every one of your shots. she knows you're going for her left corner. she even teases you, calling the shot. but her legs are the ones trembling, not yours. ♪ time to shine. orbit.
to encourage trying, goodnessknows invited people who've always wanted to act, to try. and, action! four delicious bite sized square snacks! great, but it's "snack squares." [bleep] every try is a step to being your best. ♪try a little goodness >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. we're going to be out next week. we're going to be gone for a week, and i'm sure nothing is going to happen. so we'll see you after memorial day. that's our show for tonight. so here it is, your moment of zen. >> did you at any time urge former f.b.i. director james comey in any way, shape, or form to close or back down from the investigation into michael flynn? also when you look back-- >> no, no. next question.al
>> chris: 29 minutes until midnight. no one has figured out that i'm the guy-- into turmoil. the magazine sper view with dwayne johnson is the only rock your girlfriend would rather get than an engage am ring has been getting a lot of attention today because of one interesting revelation. his legitimate desire to run for president. i have no problem with this. at all. i think compared to trump the rock is a much better choice, you guys. first of all, first of all his tan is real. secondly, his clothes actually fit as opposed to trump who always looks like he's strying to smuggle a yoga ball in a sports coat and if he wanted to the rock could destroy way more people in atlantic city. (applause) amazing. i love him. i love the rock. but here's where i just have a slight problem. this is a slight problem, please don't get mad at me the rock. so this certificate