tv The Daily Show Comedy Central August 2, 2018 1:40am-2:10am PDT
w up! - you're right. i've been so obsessed with my childhood that i've forgotten about his. i thought having lots of rides and toys was enough, but blanket doesn't need a playmate, he needs a father and a normal life. chka-do-geena! blanket, i wanna give away all my money. i want to get a normal job and take a shot at raising you in a normal setting. - look, everybody! i'm a normal little boy! - well, if you're gonna give away all your money, then i guess we can drop all those charges. no point in putting another poor black man in jail. - all right, things just might work out! - things can always work out. as long as we know we have the power to change. [musical intro] ♪ we all have the power to change ♪ ♪ if we search inside our hearts ♪ ♪ and we start to heal the wounds ♪ ♪ of all our yesterdays ♪ and you know it might be hard ♪ ♪ but all you've got to do is start ♪
♪ and you can change all your evil molesting ways ♪ chaa! chata-bee-cha! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause) it. >> trevor: welcome to the dale's show, everybody, thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight, our guest tonight is a former u.s.
ambassador to russia, michael mcfaul is here, everybody. pause plaws. >> trevor: he is one of the people president trump almost agreed to hand over to vladimir putin to intergate. yeah, so putin couldn't get him to talk but i will. but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. >> let's start off in europe where the french have officially declared war on leiphone. >> france has banned the use of smart devices in schools, children between the ages of three and 15 will have to sleeve their smartphones and tablets home or turn them off during school hours. students 15 and old ker use their devices. france's education minister says the law protects students from screen addiction. the ban starts in september and fulfills the president's campaign promise. >> trevor: that's right. french kids won't be allowed to have smartphones in school. but don't worry they will still be allowed to smoke cigarettes. i can just see their teachers
like pierre, put down your phone an finish drinking your wine. but professor, it is a 2014 cabarnet, that was an off year. i don't care. we must get back to our lesson on how to pleasure a woman. (laughter) oh, and speaking of not knowing how to pleasure women, paul ryan is in the news today. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: after filming the pbs show finding your roots, the speaker of the house was surprised to discover that he is, in fact, 3% jewish. and so he responded by tweeting, guess i need to start saying laheim now too. first of all, paul ryan, that is not how it works. you could have been saying it this whole time if you wanted. although i bet when jeff sessions he heard about this he got excited and said when can i start saying the "n" word, i have to start testing my dna. in other news last night president trump was at another campaign rally, this time in tampa. and once again he said something that left us going, uh?
>> the time has come for voter i.d., like everything else. (cheers and applause) >> voter i.d. if you go out and you want to buy groceries you need a picture on a card. you need i.d. you go out and you want to buy anything, you need i.d. and you need your picture. (laughter). >> trevor: something tells me this guy has never been grocery shopping. like ever. he probably tried it once but the first thing you see when you walk in is the produce aisle so he just walked right back out. he was like e-w, vegetables, gross. oh, gross-eries. i get it now. one day i will be president. all right, let's move on it our top story. 3d printers aring chaing the way we make everything. car parts, jewelry and most
importantly, dildos which has changed my life because i no longer have to suffer the shame of shopping in person for car parts. but america being america t was only a matter of time before people started 3d printing guns. and today was meant to be the day that it became legal to publish gun blue prints online until a party-pooping judge got involved. >> today a federal judge in seattle blocked the uploading of any more blue prints for using 3d printers to make guns. and the founder of a progun group a he grood to stop posting any new blue prints online until september while a multistate lawsuit makes its way through the courts. it may be too late. >> over a thousand people had already downloaded these blue prints online. i can imagine that number is even higher than that and i'm sure they are getting passed around. >> trevor: look. i know that 3d printer gun works and can till a person-- kill a person but goddam that thing is stupid looking. like i would be so embarrassed
if i was killed by something that looked that dumb. like when i go up to heaven, i will have to lie about what happened. they will be like how did you die, i will be like who me, i drown naid porta potty in coachella. at least you didn't get killed by one of those dumb ass plastic guns. yeah, that would be pathetic. but it turns out, it turns out these guns looking stupid isn't the only downside. >> from handguns to semiautomatics, made of plastic and without a serial number the guns are untraceable. and undetectable. able to passion through most metal detectors. >> these ghost guns are the new way of american gun violence. >> the idea of these print on command ghost guns is every bit as scary as it sounds. >> trevor: are you damn right, ghost guns sounds scary. you put ghost in front of anything, it immediately puts you on edge. pencil, ghost pencil, yeah, at the siem ghost dad didn't seem so scary but now, huh?
yeah. bill cosby, with the ability to walk through walls, terrifying. not responding to a text doesn't sound so bad but ghosting, now that is some scary shit. and by the way, amy, i see you posting new instagram stories every day which is really weird for someone who said she's in a coma. although if are you in a coma hit me up when you get out. no hard feelings. i love you. >> now obviously democrats have always been antigun and anti-ghost. but you may be surprised to learn that even president trump has doubts about 3d guns. >> president trump tweeting just moments ago, i am looking into 3d plastic guns being sold to the public, already spoke to the nra. doesn't seem to make much sense. >> now yes, most things don't make sense to donald trump. like tailoring or the word ktion no "but in this case president trump is right f doesn't make sense. unfortunately though gun laws that don't make sense is pretty
much what america does. so there is a good chance that these homemade guns are here to stay and so i guess we may as well look at the bright side of 3d printed guns, right. i mean like 3d printers are crazy slow, so even though everyone can print the gun, at least now you have a waiting period, yes, maybe? i mean i know there is still the problem of plastic guns getting past airport security but if congress can't block printed guns maybe they can pass a law that says all printed guns have to be shaped like dildos, yeah, because if you have ever flown, you know it is the one thing that tsa always manages to find. always. that lady is laughing way too loud. if you have a dildo in your bag they will find it. the tsa are like truffle pigs for sex toys. look, what i am saying is we already live in a world where everybody can have a gun but the least question do is live in a world where people are embarrassed to be caught with one. we'll be right back.
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>> trevor: welcome back to the dwailee daily show. one of the most powerful positions in the u.s. government is speaker of the house. the speaker has full control over what the house votes on, and they're second in line to be president. and on top of that, they even get their own private bathroom. no one else in congress has that except ted cruz but that is just because he pulled his pants all the way down when he pees and no one wants to see that. so right now, right now the house speaker is paul ryan. but he's quitting in january because he wants to spend more time with his backwards hat collection. and now people try to tell him
that backward hat collection was just a regular hat collection worn backwards but he want listen, this country is so divideed. but anyway ryan leaving means republicans need to choose a new leader, while they have many options, there is one name getting more attention than most. >> congressman jim jordan says will will run to replace paul ryan as speaker of the house. jordan is a staunch trump ally. >> congress has to do a better job that is why i want to be the feks speaker of the house. we have to focus on doing what we told the american people we were going to do. delivering on health care, delivering on border security and all those other issues. >> if you become the speaker, look, i will support you as speaker. >> trevor: whoa. sean hannity endorsement. yeah. you know even if you have never heard of jim jordan you know if sean hannity rolls with someone, they are not a great person. yeah, if hannity started to hang out with paul rudd i would be like there is somebody buried in paul rudd's backyards, we should check that out. even before jordan announced his
run for speaker he was already in the news for trying to impeach deputy attorney general rod rosenstein who is in charge of the mueller investigation. some people say jordan is doing that to protect president trump but personally i think he wants to impeach rosenstein because a few weeks ago he joaned-- owned jim jordan at a hearing. >> did you threaten staffers on the house intelligence committee. media reports indicate you did. >> media reports are mistaken. >> sometimes, but in is what they said. having the nation's number one law enforcement officer threaten to spp your calls and emails is down right childing. did you threaten to spp their calls and emails. >> no sir, and there is no way to spp phone calls. >> i'm just saying. (laughter) (laughter) >> there is no way to spp phone calls. do you know how humiliating it is to get smacked down on c-span? cuz you realize now there is
retired librarians across the country watching that like goddam that bitch got dumped on. while jordan tries to get rid of ross enstiern he may need to watch his own back because before he was in congress he worked as an assistant wrestling coach at ohio state and are now learning that one of his trademark moves may have been enabling sexual abuse. >> more than 100 ohio state alumni have come forward with first hand accounts of sexual misconduct by a former university doctor. the case has gotten a lot of attention recently after ohio republican congressman jim jordan was accused of knowing about but not reporting abuse committed by strauss, while jordan worked as an assistant wrestling coach at ohio state. jrd an has denied any technology. -- knowledge. >> trevor: wow, turning a blind eye to rampant sexual abuse of the kids are you supposed to be protecting. i'm sorry t doesn't get more scum bag than that. and if these allegations are true, then jim jordan is
basically joe paterno part two. which sounds like a sequel nobody would want to see. like titanic part two. so awkward because rose would open the door and see jack and she would be like jack, you're alive. and he would be yeah, i've been measuring doors and i'm pretty certain i could have fit. i'm pretty certain. now look obviously these are just allegations but congressman jordan's defense doesn't sound very convincing. >> i never saw, never heard of, never was told about any type of abuse. >> take a listen to the one of the statements made earlier this week. >> i know jim knew about the what i call the deviant sexual atmosphere that we were. >> how do you know. >> well, we all had conversations. it was something that we would discuss on a regular basis, mainly with nervous banter. locker room banter.
>> conversations in a locker room are a lot different than allegations of abuse or reported abuse to us. >> trevor: wait, hold up. so they basically told jordan about the abuse, and he didn't think it counted because they were in a locker room? like what is it with these guys in locker rooms? it just feels like nothing you say matters in there. like you know i feel like i'm going to start carrying a locker room around with me. just yeah, thern can i say whatever i want. like in the streets the beep [bleep] bleep the police. >> what did you say. >> gnaw aw, locker room, locker room. (applause) and now believe it or not, believe it or not alot of house republicans are standing behind jim jordan. yeah, maybe, maybe it's because they have already seen much worse. back in the 2000 a man named dennis hastert was the republican house speaker and he later admitted to molesting children when he was a wrestling coach. and he was convicted for paying hush money to cover it up.
so at the very worst, jim jordan is an upgrade from that. and frankly, i think that is what he should run on. >> dennis hastert was an admitted pedestrian o file. he abused-- pedophile, he abused multiple young boys and tried to hide his horrific actions with payoffs. jim jordan is only accused of enabling sexual abuse. and the victims weren't children. he is the progress we need. jim jordan, nopt as bad as a pedestrian file-- pedophile. >> trevor: we'll be right >> trevor: we'll be right back. ♪ yeah! yeah! yeah! we hide hotel names, so you can find four star hotels at two star prices. h-o-t-w-i-r-e
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russia. please welcome ambassador michael mcfall. (applause) welcome to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: congratulations on the book. you served as an ambassador to russia. before we get into the whys and the hows. >> barack obama sent me there, that is the answer to your question, why, why. >> trevor: so i am assuming he hated you? why would someone swend you-- we'll get into the whys he sent you to russia. but let's talk about russia and the u.s. right now. you know t is a continue allly unfolding story. and one of the most recent updates to the story was helsinki summit. >> yes, i was there. >> trevor: donald trump meets with vladimir putin. they have a private meeting which is abnormal. and. >> a bad idea, let's not-- you
are too diplomatic. >> trevor: i'm too diplomatic. wow. >> that is a bad idea. >> trevor: okay. and so donald trump comes out and what shocks people amongst many other things is when he says, you know, putin was kind enough to say that we could intergate his people who we feel have med eled in the election and in exchange he gets to intergate some of our people and you were one of the people he >> trevor: at that point did you think run? >> well, i was in helsinki. i work for another network called nbc. >> trevor: right. >> and i was there with lester hold. we were getting ready to go live. >> trevor: right. >> and he made this crazy proposal, putin did, and completely crazy, just to underscore how crazy it was, it is a u.k. businessman who laundered money out of russia, assisted by u.s. officials. and at the time putin was saying intelligence officials to help hillary clinton in her 2016 election. sow said all that, and that is when our president said this is
a great idea. i want to offer up these people. >> trevor: oh, oh, so trump heard hillary and then he was like yes. >> i wasn't at the meeting. i wasn't there, but probably that peeked his interest, yait. >> trevor: okay, so why is this such a bad idea? why would you not want putin to intergrate-- intergate you in russia? >> you obviously have never met mr. putin. i have. i mean let's be serious. they accused us of a crime. vladimir putin accused me of a crime committed in russia. he didn't want to just intergate me. he wanted to indict me. he's accused me of a crime. so the idea, whether you are democrat or republican, let's leave that aside. we can't have our ambassadors, our soldiers, our aig workers, anybody serving the united states of america abroad be allowed to be hauled in by dictators. that sends a really bad message. and so we've got it push back on that now tragically the president didn't. president trump didn't. called it a great idea.
and at the time i don't think he really understood what was going on, right. maybe that is part of the problem. maybe he shouldn't spend two hours with putin when he doesn't understand these issues. eventually they got it right but you know, to this day i have to worry about travel in third countries. >> right. >> there is this interpoll and something called red notice where i done think it's likely but putin is a little unhinged these days where he might chase me around and seek to detain me and exta-- extradite me to russia. >> wow. >> don't travel with me. >> yeah. >> there is an interesting part of the book when you talk about push's relationship with putin. and the two men had an interesting relationship because it seemed like it started off well and then 9/11 took thicks off course with the war in iraq. but we were quick to judge donald trump when he said he met with putin and believes him and he is a good guy, et cetera. but you write about an incident where president bush did the
same thing. he met with putin, he told the story of a cross and bush left the meeting and came out publicly and said i've looked into this man's soulnd he is a good man. >> right. >> could it be that it's not donald trump who is an idiot but rather that putin just has really beautiful eyes. like what is he do in these meetings to people that makes everyone walk out going like yeah, maybe he's cool. >> well, as i write about in the book, i've had meetings with putin myself. he has rather distinct blue eyes and they scare the hell out of me. >> right. >> because he thought of me as somebody that barack obama sent to foment revolution against him in russia and he used to say that. his media used to say that. but to your point, there is this problem with presidents. and even president obama probably had a bit of it himself. which is they think that if i can just establish a personal relationship with this guy or that guy or this woman and here in the case of russian leaders, i will be able to right all the wrongs from the past. >> trevor: right.
>> and that is a temptation to personalize politics it, personalize diplomacy. trump has it worse than anybody i have ever seen. he wants to meet with everybody and then once he meets them, they are the greatest guy he has ever met. >> trevor: right. >> whether kim jung-un, the north korean guy in the singapore summit or vladimir putin where he just lavished praise on this guy. and let's remember who this guy is. this guy has repressed these people, it is a dictateddership today. he has invaded his neighbor, and he supported this horrible dictator in syria. whos gad his own people and then he violated our sovereignty in 2016 in our presidential election. that is the guy that our president was lavishing operation on. >> trevor: right. >> i don't understand the logic of that di lom-- diplomacy. >> trevor: thank you so much for being on the show, amazing. >> thank you, thank you for having me. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: it is available now, a fascinating life, a ambassador michael mcfaul, we'll be right back.
>> that's our show for tonight but before we go, before we g "the daily show" has a brand new book out, the donald j. trump presidential-- it brings together the greatest tweets as you have never seen them before. don't take from me, take it from the man himself, here it is, your moment of zen. >> when it comes to great books i've just raised the steaks. >> daily show. >> one of my favorite shows. >> with fantastic jokes of all kinds, that is why i'm thrilled they agree with me, "the daily show" with trevor noah presents the donald swrrks trump presidential twitter library. >> so the world's greatest tweets and i mean that in every