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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  January 18, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PST

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and soon mint and berry were one. - wow! - your mother and i sent you as far away as we could. use your powers, son. save earth. shablagoo! - i will, father! no more running away for...mintberry crunch! hello, cthulhu. i heard you haven't been berry nice. - [growling] - not enough, huh? maybe the intense flavor of mint will freshen things up! [wind gusting] - i reach the gulf of mexico in no time! and with all my strength, i drag cthulhu back to the depths from whence he came! my trusty hero companions are there, still alive! i return them to their world encased in a protective berry bubble. then it's back down to seal up the hole
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created by the bp oil company, returning home only momentarily to flip off my fat sister. - dude, thanks for getting us out of that dark oblivion, mintberry crunch. - no, no! we worked as a team! all the coon and friends stopped the bp drilling spill crisis! - and finally the evil coon is right where he belongs. - come on, you guys, this is [bleep] bullcrap. let me out! - you're not going anywhere for a long time. - this is inhumane! there's a big bucket with butters' poop in here, and there's nothing to eat! - you got poop, don't ya? - well, i'm off. there are still many more questions left unanswered. i need to know what happened to my parents. - well, come back and visit anytime, dude. - i will! shablagooo! - [bleep] mintberry [bleep] crunch. - wow! can you believe it, kenny? bradley actually had superpowers. isn't that cool? - yeah. i'm tired, guys. think i'm gonna go to bed. [gunshot] - oh, my god! holy [bleep], dude!
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- kenny! no! no! - [screaming] - what? what? - it's happening again! [peaceful music] [baby gurgling] - we should've never gone to that stupid cult meeting. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: oh, yeah! oh, yeah. welcome, everybody.
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welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much. and thank you for tuning in. i appreciate it. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, i could not be a bigger fan. you've seen him in everything from "iron man" to "house of lies." and tonight he's here to talk about his new showtime series, "black monday." don cheadle is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) but first, but first, we've got to get into the news. and, look, guys, i'm not going to lie-- there is just too much news today. ( laughter ) how much news is there? what's that? well, there's so much news that we don't have enough time for it. luckily, not enough time is just enough time for our segment "ain't nobody got time for that." ( cheers and applause ) collusion-- it's the big question about the trump campaign and russia. but one place where there's definitely no collusion is between rudy guiliani's brain and his mouth. >> in a new interview, the president's personal attorney, rudy guiliani, says he cannot say if trump campaign officials colluded with russia during the 2016 campaign.
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>> false reporting is saying that there has been no suggestion of any kind of collusion between the campaign and any russians. >> well, you just misstated my position. i never said there was no collusion between the campaign or between people in the campaign. >> yes, you have. >> i have not. i said the president of the united states. >> trevor: wait, wait. ( laughter ) hold on. did guiliani just admit that there was collusion? i think he did. and look at their faces. like, neither of them can believe what just happened. ( laughter ) like, like, cuomo looks like a valedictorian caveman, and guiliani looks like if golem realized he just left his wallet in an uber. so after months of saying there's no collusion, now guiliani is saying there might be collusion, not by trump, but by trump's campaign. and i'll be honest, i don't know why trump keeps letting guiliani go on tv to represent him. ( laughter )
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it feels like every time he goes on he causes more trouble, unless-- that's the point. maybe the master plan is to keep creating so many new scandals that robert mueller can never finish his investigation. ( laughter ) yeah, every time mueller writes, "well, i'm just about ready to wrap this thing up," guiliani says, i hope nobody realizes vladimir putin is secretly trump's father. and mueller is like, "two more years. two more years. ( laughter ) now, look, we could spend all day playing you clips of trump denying there was any collusion whatsoever, but we don't have the time to enjoy busting trump. because another one of his minions has been busted for some other shady shit. >> breaking news on these two new bombshell reports. president trump. first, his former fixer and personal attorney, michael cohen, just admitted to paying to manipulate polling data before the 2016 presidential election. now, according to "the wall street journal," cohen paid using a walmart bag full of cash. that could break campaign finance laws.
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and cohen says he did this at the direction and for the sole benefit of the president of the united states. >> trevor: a walmart bag full of cash? this is such a strange story. and it's crazy that michael cohen was rigging polls for trump while trump was out there complaining that the polls were rigged. ( laughter ) you realize this is proof again that whenever trump accuses anyone of doing something wrong, he's actually just talking about himself. he's like, "the polls are rigged, folks. and, also, hillary's very disappointed that her sons look like pervy vampires." ( laughter ) and, now, look, on a normal day, on a normal day, we would spend forever on the idiots that work for the trump campaign, but there's no time, because it turns out that we may all be the real idiots. you know the 10-year challenge, yeah? you know the thing on line? yes. it turns out the tech companies could now use this to enhance
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their facial recognition technology. yeah. we basically helped the robots track us. and you might think memes like the ten-year challenge and the twinning app are cute and fun, but it turns out there's a real sinister side to them. and, please, trust me, i know. >> the twinning-- you're familiar with this whole twinning thing, right? you put your face on there and then it finds a celebrity that you look most like. so they did us, too, apparently. >> they did us. >> they did us. >> and it kind of ranks it-- >> oh, nervy. >> percentage-wise, chucksters-- 79% say you look like charles barkley. >> that's funny. >> trevor noah. >> oh, no! >> marco rubio. >> you look more like marco rubio than yourself! >> trevor noah? >> we both look like trevor noah. >> trevor: okay, what? ( laughter ) this is just-- i know i'm half black, half white, but this is ridiculous. ( laughter ) this is-- like according to this app, i'm the love child of charles barkley and that white dude's bow tie. i don't even understand what--
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you understand what a disaster this is for me, right? you realize that robots think i look like everyone. that means in the future, i will get arrested for everyone else's crimes. and it also means that i can never date a robot, all right. yeah, because i'll be like, "i can't believe you cheated on me with charles barkley." and the robot will be like, "sorry, i was 59% sure it was you, baby. to make it up to you, you can put it in my other socket tonight." ( laughter ) oh, and speaking of look-alikes-- the u.s.b. port-- ( laughter ) -- and speaking of look-alikes, it turns out canadian prime minister justin trudeau, he might want to ask his dad if he ever made a secret trip to afghanistan. >> canada's prime minister justin trudeau has a look-alike, and it took a talent show halfway around the world to find him. just so you know, trudeau, he's the one on the left. on the right is abdul maftoon. he's a wedding singer in afghanistan. and here he is in action. ♪ ♪
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>> trevor: okay, this-- this is-- this is just weird. ( laughter ) all right. on the one hand, i'm 50% certain that that is not justin trudeau. ( laughter ) but, on the other hand, after he took that trip to india and basically became indian, you can never be sure anymore. and you know what? we can actually find out for sure if it's him. all we have to do is put the afghan singer into the face match apprentice and we see if there's a match-- goddamn it, man! come on! now, look, it would be great to mess around with who looks like who and talk more about the problems technology is creating but we don't have the time because it turns out big tech is also solving them. >> microsoft is pledging some big money to attack homelessness in seattle. microsoft announced a $500 million commitment to preserve existing affordable housing and spur construction of new units. $25 million of that will go towards philanthropic grants to address homelessness in the area. >> trevor: yes, it turns out the
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mega corporation that brought us windows has now decided to add doors and roofs as well. ( applause ) ( laughter ) but, seriously, kudos to microsoft for stepping up to help people struggling with housing. at the same time, you also know that the system is broken when corporations have to step in and do the government's job, you know. like, corporations are basically like, "we're winning too hard." ( laughter ) you know what this is like, like in monopoly, i'll do this, i will be crushing so hard they just start giving people money. "here, 200 for everyone, 200, 200." it's not fun if everyone around me is in jail. look, with more time, we could delve into whether or not corporations have a responsibility to alleviate the societal problems they contribute to but we just don't have the time because there's one story we have to make time
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for. it is now day 27 of the longest shutdown in american history. funding for low-income housing is in danger. school lunches are facing cutbacks. and things have gotten so bad, that air force one is now being operated by spirit airlines. ( laughter ) poor melania, she always pays for trump's sins. look at her. she's like, "this is not best." ( laughter ) anyway, as you know, 800,000 government employees have not been paid. the u.s. economy is at risk of sliding into recession, and now, even most concerning, the shutdown is even affecting the world of hip-hop. >> native bronxite cardi b. now weighing in on the government shutdown. >> hey, y'all, i just want to remind you, because it's been a little bit over three weeks, okay, it's been a little bit over three weeks. trump is now ordering federal government workers to go back to work without getting paid. i know a lot of you all don't care because you all don't work for the government, and-- or you all probably don't have a job, but this shit is really (bleep) serious, bro.
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i feel like we need to take some kind of action. i don't know what type of action, bitch, because this is not what i do. but, bitch, i'm scared. ( laughter ) >> trevor: that is the most amazing thing ever. ( cheers and applause ) that is so dope! like, how cool would it be if cardi b somehow ended the shutdown, right? ( laughter ) like, we find out that trump is a major fan because "bodak yellow" is his favorite song, and also the color of his hair. like, that would be so insane. and i will say this, if there's one woman trump won't end the shutdown for it's nancy p. because a couple of days ago she wrote a letter asking him to postpone his state of the union address in light of the government shutdown. and after two days-- learning how to write, i assume-- the president wrote a letter back. >> president trump moments ago cancelling nancy pelosi's. overseas trip to brussels, egypt, and the war zone that is afghanistan. hours before the speaker and her congressional delegation were set to leave, saying in part,
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"in light of the 800,000 great american workers not receiving pay, i am sure you would agree that postponing this public relations event is totally appropriate." he goes on to write, "obviously if you would like to make your journey by flying commercial, that would certainly be your prerogative." >> trevor: ooooh. you can feel trump said it like it's the worst thing he could think of. "if you want to fly commercial-- ahhhh!" ( laughter ) that's hard core, though, right, cancelling her flight right before she's about to take off. that's like the complete opposite of a romantic comedy. like, i imagine trump ran through the airport like, "nancy nancy, wait! nancy! there's something i have to tell you." and pelosi is like, "yes, donald." and trump is like, "nancy, get the (bleep) off the plane." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) now, to be fair to trump, nancy pelosi's letter was a little bit snarky, right. but it's crazy that trump's g.p.s. never takes him on to the high road, right.
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because he's just like, "okay, nancy, you want to play? well, you're messing with the queen bitch now." but, look, cardi b is right. something needs too done because the government is not doing its job right now, and everyday citizens have decide to step up. >> as the shutdown drags on, some are getting desperate. hundreds of furloughed federal workers turning to gofundme, pleading for helps to pay the bills. >> some are dipping into their savings. they're relying on credit cards, even setting up gofundme pages-- >> the national parks foundation has launched a campaign to help raise money. >> help with rent, groceries, student loans and more. >> trevor: yes, government workers are being forced to use gofundme to try to make ends meet. for more on how people are coping with the shutdown, we turn to a man who is shut down at bars all the time, michael kosta, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) michael, people are using
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crowdfunding to survive. some government workers are even raising money to help take care of national parks. what do you make of this? >> well, i think it's great, especially about the parks. i leave a lot of trash there on the weekends. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i didn't know that you go camping? >> i don't. i just take my trash there. ( laughter ) why? where do you put yours, on the curb, where a lawyer could find it? you crack me up! ( laughter ) i'm all for crowdfunding to help people during the shutdown because i love helping people. and more than that, i love playing god. you know, sure, coast guard, firefighter, i'll throw you a hundo, but not you t.s.a. inspector, not until i get my prescription shampoo back. i picked up something pretty nasty when i was throwing my garbage in the woods. you know what i'm talking about, right? ( laughter ) >> trevor: no. uhm, look, federal workers shouldn't have to depend on charities to do their jobs. i don't think that's right. i mean, it's nice people are stepping up, but this is not
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sustainable. >> it could be sustainable, trevor, if everybody donated to the services they cared about then we wouldn't even need government. worried about national security? donate to the military. you want to help kids? i don't, but give to education. ( laughter ) want to support a handsome, high-quality entertainer? you can send me money on venmo on michaelcostathecomedian-4. >> trevor: dash 4? so there are three other michael kosta comedians on venmo? >> they're all me. i just keep forgetting my password. >> trevor: michael, here's the thing, widespread charity can't fix government's issues because you can't guarantee you will have enough money to pay for what you need. so, what if some people don't want to contribute. >> don't get your dimples into a twist, t-bone. we'll make a rule. everybody has to give a little something based on their income. >> trevor: and so we require people to donate money. but how do we know it's going to the right places? >> man, you sure do love questions.
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( laughter ) i'll tell you what, we'll hire people to figure out where all the donation money should go, and then i don't have to think about it. any other issues, "trevor no cassio cortez"? >> trevor: yeah, i have one more, i have one more. deciding where the money goes is a big responsibility, so how do we decide who is in charge of it all? >> that's easy. we ask the public who they want in charge, and then whoever gets the most picks, gets the job, and then every few years, ask again. >> trevor: michael, you realize you're describing a government. >> if that's what you want to call it, then let's try this government thing, and worst-case scenario, if it doesn't work, we'll shut it down. >> trevor: michael kosta, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (james) i can't believe it could take weeks to get our tax refund. (lisa) excuse me! did you say weeks? (cori) that's what the guy said. (lisa) you can get to the moon in a few days,
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do you really want jean-claude van damme hanging out with your friends? taking selfies, bonding over chips and chips. becoming bffs forever. suddenly i find myself here, where you're supporsed to be. and you, you just got van dammed. don't get van dammed. get together already, with tostitos. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." as the government shutdown continues, it's important for
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us to remember what this whole stalemate is actually about-- paying for the border wall. now, president trump is demanding $5 billion from u.s. taxpayers to fund the wall, which is weird, because during the campaign, he might have mentioned once or twice another idea for where the wall money would come from. >> i will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and i will have mexico pay for that wall. mexico is going to pay for the wall. mexico is going to pay for the wall, 100%. who is going to pay for the wall? >> mexico! >> trevor: the only thing worse than one trump is many trumps. ( laughter ) mexico's going to pay for it. that was trump's signature catch phrase, more than any other catch phrase, more than "you're fired," more than "make america great again." even more than, "don't tell my wife about this." ( laughter ) but we never should have actually believed that mexico was going to pay for the wall, because every time someone asked
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trump how mexico would pay, he had a completely different explanation. >> there will be a payment. it will be in a form, perhaps a complicated form. one way or the other, mexico is going to pay for the wall. that's right. it may be through reimbursement, but one way or the other, mexico will pay for the wall. the wall will pay for itself on a monthly basis. we're working on a tax reform bill. it will generate revenue from mexico that will fay for the wall. we have a trade deficit with mexico of $58 billion. all i have to do is start playing with that trade deficit and, believe me, they're going to start paying for that wall. they may even write us a check. obviously, they're not going to write us a check. it's going to be paid for by canada, by the way. maybe i'll get canada to pay. it's going to be paid for by mexico. >> trevor: wait, what? you know, donald trump is truly a legend. it's not only that he mispoke-- he'd rather try to make canada pay for the wall. "canada is going to pay-- yeah, canada is going to pay for the wall. i might make them pay for the
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wall." and canada is so nice, they'll probably do it. "it's not our border, but i guess we'll pay, eh." what does that mean, "the wall will pay for itself monthly"? he made it sound like america will go to the wall like, "you got a money wall?" ( laughter ) look, no matter how many times trump says mexico will pay for the wall, that's clearly not happening. but i see why trump has this fantasy. imagine how cool it would be to get away with buying whatever you want with imaginary mexican money. >> if you want to change the world, you need substance and style. oh! this is the one! now i can afford to look as sharp as my ideas with my a-mexican express card. ( beeping ) >> oh, there's no money on this. >> yeah. mexico's paying for it. ( laughter ) >> that makes no (bleep) sense. >> but with my mexican express card, all my purchases are covered, somehow. damn!
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super expensive, and it's not going to protect me at all, but who cares? mexico's got this. ♪ ♪ >> i'm sorry, what do you mean mexico's going to pay for it? >> are they going to write us a check? >> check? no, i take the clothes now, and then mexico pays you back indirectly. with the a-mexican express card, nothing is out of reach, no matter how stupid. >> oh, ah, no, sir, wait! >> come on, man, you have to pay for that! >> it's already paid for itself. >> no! no, it hasn't! >> the a-mexican express card-- don't buy stuff you don't need without it. >> sir! sir! ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: we'll be right back. what up, dave? well, look at these party legends! party legends. classic, dave. brought you some ice, buddy. oh, yeah!
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people have been left to wonder what ingredients are in their beer. i shall put an ingredients label on every case of bud light! that was really great, did you get that? oh. was i supposed to be writing that down? introducing our new ingredients label. coming in february. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a filmmaker
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and a golden globe award-winning actor who executive produces and stars in the new showtime series "black monday." >> this is a place of business. >> and i am the goddamn head trader. >> of my company. it ain't called the dawn group. >> it ain't called the mo group. you named the place the jammer group like it's a (bleep) record label, and nobody knows why. >> it doesn't matter why. it's my place. i can do anything i want. i can name anything i want. watch this. the chair is now panther. your name is tyrone. the door's name is chris. and chris would like to know, are you in or are you out? >> i'm out. >> where are you going, tyrone? >> don't (bleep) call me tyrone again. >> where are you going, tyrone? do not slam chris. don't slam (bleep) chris! come back here and apologize to chris! >> trevor: please welcome don cheadle. ( cheers and applause )
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>> trevor: wow, this is great, man. thank you so much for being on the show. >> i'm so glad to be here. >> trevor: i've been a fan of yours since forever, and you are back at it again with a brand new show "black monday." >> yes. >> trevor: and this show is about the single biggest stock market crash in american history. >> yeah, and ostensibly the group that made a trade that was so toxic that it triggered it. >> trevor: right. what's interesting is you always find a way to make stories about, like, topics that wouldn't necessarily seem entertaining, but you really make them entertaining. like "house of lies" was a similar thing. it was like, how are you going to make consultancy sexy? but it was a really great show i wanted to watch every single week. "black monday" seems like the same thing, and there's a lot of cocaine. >> yeah, yeah, there's a lot of cocaine, which i think fueled almost all the decisions from the 1980s. >> trevor: right. >> all of my decisions anyway. >> trevor: what's great about this show is it has a bit of a twist, right. you have this company run by your character, mo, and we saw
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in the clip there, mo is running this company that is really not what we would not consider to be a wall street firm because of how diverse it is, really. >> yeah, and he has a big chip on his shoulder about that. but it really does look at where we have come and how far we have or have not come in that time period. and seeing a lot of the similarities and a lot of things that we continue to see. i mean, the volatility in the market that we've just been witnessing, the whims and how that works. these things we keep bringing back, and it's a lot of fun to skewer and play with. the 80s, the music, the style. i mean, you see the clothes. it's just a lot of stuff to send up. >> trevor: well, what i love is your character is a man of pure excess in the show. he's like, yo, i'm making money and i'm spending it as fast as i can, burning through the cash. one of my favorite lines is when he has the lamborghini limousine. none of the comfort of a limousine, and none of the functionality-- like, none of the speed of a lamborghini. >> and it costs twice as much as both. he gets mad.
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you're not a car guy. >> it's a fun show to watch. i've always loved you as an actor, but one of the things i loved learning about you is all the fashions you have outside of acting. some people know you as a poker player. some people know you as a watch guy. one thing i didn't know was about how active you are in politics. you know, like on your twitter handle-- i'll read it correctly-- your avatar is the photo of a seven-year-old from guatemala who died while in u.s. custody and your bio says, "you are a single-issue democratic voter in 2020." that's a powerful statement, but what does that mean? >> it means whoever can win. that's my single issue in 2020. >> trevor: right. ( applause ) >> you know. who-- who can beat this dude? you know, who can beat this dude? >> trevor: right. >> because i think that's something-- and what's amazing is we're in 2019 now, and i don't know who the front-runner is. i don't think i could say definitively who i think the person who has risen to the top that can do it. >> trevor: well, it's all of them. it's like a tag-team thing. >> yeah.
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exactly. that would be great, right. seven presidents versus you. let's go! >> trevor: but it is an interesting time to be an entertainer engaged in politics. you know, one thing you've always done is you've stayed in in your lane whilst maintaining your integrity. it doesn't feel like you do it because it's fashionable or not. you've been in activism for awe long time. for instance, in sudan, a cause that's close to your heart, talking about what's happening there. as a climate activist as well. what made you want to start all of these projects? and what do you hope to achieve? >> well, you know, the-- the stuff with sudan and the stuff with darfur, that was really something that came out of my experience with "hotel rwanda." and i was asked to accompany a congressional delegation to the region and see for myself what was happening and help bring attention to it with some people in the administration at the time that were trying to raise awareness about what is happening.
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and they said we think rwanda is a good reference, a good framing reference to give people what an. an idea what is happening here. i accompanied them and went to chad and snuck into darfur and see what had happened. and a camp was raided and things were still smoldering when we came in. and, you know, once you leave there and you meet the people that are working there, and the n.g.o.'s that are risking their lives daily to help the people there, and someone says, "can you help us? can you continue to help us?" it's hard to say, no, i saw it. i'm good. i'm wiping my hands of it. how can i help? and when you ask that question, how can i help? the floodgates open, and everyone who has had a difficult time getting in the life-- we're here. we have a mic put in front of us. people want to talk to us. people want to interview us. and they can't get in the light. they can't seem to find any sort of foothold, so when you have the ability to pass the torch and say, "look at them. yes, i know you want to talk to me, but look at them. this is what these people are doing." that's how you want to use the platform. >> trevor: it's a powerful
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platform you use every day. ( cheers and applause ) i appreciate you for what you do both on and off screen. i'm a huge fan of yourselves. thank you so much for being on the show. "black monday" premieres january 20 at 10 p.m. on showtime. don cheadle, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) i'm captain obvious and hotels.com rewards me basically everywhere. so why am i hosting a dental convention after party in my vegas suite? because hotels.com lets me do me. who wants to floss me? hotels.com. you do you and get rewarded. ( ♪ )
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doto be our next spokesperson?m he's so boring. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume? yes, it's laminated. no thanks. you're hired! try caramel m&m's. ow. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: well that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. before we go, i'm excited that this weekend i'll be kicking off

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