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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 6, 2019 11:00pm-11:31pm PST

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♪ san diego - ♪ jackin' it, jackin' it, jackity jack ♪ ♪ spankin' it, spankin' it ♪ ♪ smackity smack - ♪ he's about to jack it ♪ - ♪ whack jack whack jack whackin' it jackin' it ♪ ♪ whacky whacky spank spank spankity whack ♪ - ♪ whack jack whack jack whackin' it jackin' it ♪ [patriotic music] male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york. "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... ♪ [lilting string music] - robert mueller gave a list of questions to trump's legal team. and those questions have now leaked to the media. and everyone knows, unless it's in a hotel room in russia, president trump does not like leaks. - the president tweeting this:
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- but you can tell from this tweet that the president is really mad. first off, because he says none of mueller's questions are about collusion, which is not true, because 14 of the questions are about collusion. but i guess if you round down, 14's basically zero. and second--second, he's really mad because he believes that mueller's team leaked these questions to the press. but... what if it turns out the leak is coming from inside the house? - it's very likely, or at least it would make a lot of sense, that the leak would come from trump world. - because people like us on television would be saying that this is a really bad idea, and perhaps he listens to the television more than he listens to his own advisers. [laughter] - being trump's lawyer must be so exhausting. no, just think about it. he won't listen to you, so you have to launder your legal advice through the tv. and guess which news did exactly
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what trump's team needed. - this garbage from "the new york times" tonight-- absolute garbage. no attorney will ever let this president sit down with robert mueller. half of these questions are dumb anyway. you know, "oh, what was in your mind at the time?" you don't--you don't punish people or charge people for the thoughts they have in their head. - you know, my favorite thing about sean hannity is, he's the wrongest right-sounding person you'll ever meet. because, you realize, you can get charged because of the thoughts you had in your head. it's called criminal intent. it's such a basic concept of law and order that they put it in the name of the show. [laughter] [slow piano music] - a memo from president trump's lawyers to special counsel robert mueller says flat out that a president cannot obstruct justice because he has authority over all federal investigations. - what they argue in this memo is that
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the president of the united states, because he's a chief law enforcement officer, can terminate any federal investigation at any time for any reason. - according to donald trump's legal team, the president, by definition, cannot obstruct justice. but even if it ever turned out that he did obstruct justice, they also say that the president can't be charged with a crime. - mr. trump's attorney, rudy giuliani, telling the "huffington post" it's impossible to indict a sitting president, no matter the offense, claiming... - okay, okay, so the president can't be criminally charged; he can only be impeached by congress. now, i--i understand that as a legal argument, but i do think it's a little weird that out of all the examples they could've picked, they went with murdering james comey. [laughter] it almost makes me feel like they've been thinking about this. [russian folk music]
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♪ - before heading to the summit, president trump spurred controversy by saying he wants russia to be welcomed back into the g8. - we have a world to run, and in the g7, which used to be the g8, they threw russia out. they should let russia come back in, because we should have russia at the negotiating table. - i don't know if trump colluded with russia, but if everyone was accusing me of colluding with russia, i wouldn't be caught dead mentioning their name. like, if your girlfriend accused you of cheating with keisha, even if you didn't do it, just shut up about keisha. [laughter] just shut up. "hey, babe, you know who we should invite to the party? keisha." "nigga, i know you didn't just bring up keisha. i know you did not just bring up keisha." [applause] but clearly--clearly trump doesn't know how to take a clue, because he kept bringing up keisha all weekend long.
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- some people like the idea of bringing russia back in. this used to be the g8. not the g7. and something happened a while ago where, uh, russia is no longer in. i think it would be an asset to have russia back in. - crimea was let go during the obama administration. and, you know, obama can say all he wants, but he allowed russia to take crimea. - ah, okay, okay. that makes sense. russia annexing crimea wasn't really a big deal. but we must never forgive obama for letting them commit this atrocity! which was not a big deal at all. i mean, who even knows what a crimea is, anyway? i mean, it's just a random little place whose blood is in obama's hands! anyway, i think we should invite keisha. that's what i'm saying. [jaunty folk music]
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sweat. dedication. cupcakes. we played football together for the titans. now, we own a cupcake shop. i love this new surface pro. it's light, it's sleek, it's fast. cupcakes are a great business. as long as you don't eat the profits! or these. good thing they're sold literally everywhere business is done. i'm pretty sure you could buy them at a bank. not sorry. reese's.
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not sorry. before the trip, jessica sent 22 texts to a swim instructor to help manny overcome his fear. their gps took them to places out of a storybook. and they called grandma when manny felt sad about not being able to swim. overall, they shared 176 pictures. but when the moment came, they held their breath, and watched their son learn to believe in himself.
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[hip-hop music] ♪ [light string music] - if your name-- if your name is vladimir putin, then today was a very good day. because today, the president of the united states took your side in a fight between you and the united states. - breaking news: siding with putin. president trump comes out of his meeting with the russian president and rebukes u.s. intelligence agencies. - i think the press conference was the single most embarrassing performance by an american president on the world stage that i've ever seen. - damn. the most embarrassing performance
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by an american president. do you know how hard it is to achieve that? george h.w. bush once threw up on the japanese prime minister. and trump is now on top. when they set up this meeting last month, no one knew what it was meant to be about, right? they never knew what the meeting was for. they didn't know if it was gonna be about nuclear weapons. was it gonna be about the war in syria, missile defenses in europe? i mean, maybe it was just gonna be trump going in to see putin for his annual performance review. no one knew what it was. the meeting had no agenda, right? but then on friday, robert mueller dropped the bombshell directly charging 12 russian military intelligence officers with hacking democrats during the presidential campaign in an effort to sway the election, which was major news. so now, the formerly purposeless meeting between trump and putin had a meaning. all right? it was time for trump to put his foot down. and he did. right on america's dick. - just now, president putin denied having anything to do with the election interference in 2016. every u.s. intelligence agency
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has concluded that russia did. who do you believe? - all i can do is ask the question. my people came to me, dan coats came to me, and some others. they said, "they think it's russia." uh, i have president putin. he just said it's not russia. i will say this: i don't see any reason why it would be. - really? you don't see any reason not to trust vladimir putin? the man was a top kgb spy. he'll steal the shirt off your back. hell, he stole the shirt off his own back. you can't trust this man. - the president chose russia in front of everyone. - you cannot cut deals with the devil, and you can never trust russia. - now, look, president trump is no stranger to criticism. right? but it's not often that even his closest allies slam his actions. even newt gingrich, former speaker of the house and swollen mike pence, tweeted that this was "the most serious mistake" of trump's presidency
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and that he must clarify what he meant. so, just like after trump praised the charlottesville nazis, today the president was forced to come out and pretend to believe something different than what he said. and i don't know if you guys believe in omens, but watch what happened. - let me begin by saying that, uh, once again, full faith and support for america's intelligence agencies. i have a full faith in our intelligence agencies. oops, they just turned off the light. that must be the intelligence agencies. [laughter] there it goes. okay. you guys okay? good. that was strange. - i like how he's checking if everyone else is okay, but if you look at his body language, he was like, "i have full faith--" and when the lights come on, he's like, "everyone else okay? "i'm cool. i'm cool. you guys okay? i'm cool. i wasn't scared at all. i'm cool." but that was insane. trump tried to claim that he believes the intel agencies, and then the lights went off.
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it's like even electricity is tired of trump's bullshit. it was just like, no. like, i wouldn't be shocked if one day, trump just starts floating because gravity's like, "enough of this. i'm out. i'm out. i can't deal with this guy." he said when it came to hacking, "i don't know why it would be russia." would be. then he flies back to america and all of a sudden that's changed. how do you convince people that one flight changed your mind completely? well, the answer is, not like this. - i thought it would be obvious, but i would like to clarify, just in case it wasn't. at a key sentence in my remarks, i said the word "would" instead of "wouldn't." the sentence should have been, "i don't see any reason why i wouldn't-- or why it wouldn't be russia." so... just to repeat it, i said the word "would" instead of "wouldn't." [laughter] - oh, you know what... no, you know what? that--that makes sense. i actually believe trump on this, and i... hold on, sorry, let me just check my notes.
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oh, sorry, what i meant to say was, "get the [bleep] out of here, man." [cheers and applause] [russian folk music] michael cohen. up until recently, he was known as donald trump's personal attorney, right-hand man, and a guy who you're pretty sure swallows a lot of bees. but as loyal as cohen was to trump, everyone always suspected that he would flip on him if it came down to it. well, now we're down to it. and cohen is doing somersaults. - michael cohen claims that then-candidate trump knew in advance about the june 2016 meeting in trump tower in which russians were expected to offer his campaign dirt on hillary clinton. he was informed by donald trump, jr. about that offer. - wow. that is shocking information. donald trump had an actual, in-person conversation with one of his sons. [laughter] also... [cheers and applause]
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also, this--this russia thing is pretty big, i guess, but, i mean... yeah, because if they-- if they can prove that trump knew that his campaign was meeting with the russians, it would go a long way towards proving collusion. so trump knows that he needs backup, which is why he immediately sent out the bat signal. unfortunately, all he got was the bat boy. but the thing about rudy is, just when you think he's backed into a corner, he finds an even tighter corner. - cohen, you know, always goes too far. when you're lying, there's always a trap for you. so he said there was a one-on-one meeting, that donald, jr. came in and told him about the meeting that was about to take place. well, there are two witnesses who say it didn't happen. - the president and his son? - all right. - all right. all right. all right, fine. you got me with your very first rebuttal, and that has completely destroyed my argument. all right, all right, i see how any thinking person could parry that attack i made, all right. i see. because, come on, man. i mean, props. props to giuliani for trying.
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but the reasoning can't be that the crime didn't happen because the people accused of the crime say it didn't happen. that's not what a witness is. that's not how it works. you can't be like, "well, your honor, "i witnessed myself "not robbing the bank, so cased closed. let's go spend this money." oomp-oomp-oomp. [jaunty folk music] hey, does anyone have a charger? yea, it's down here. i'm dying. oh no, i'm dying. i'm dying. ♪ i love my babies, love my boys. since i'm a truck driver, you know there's times that i'm gone for like three weeks at a time. even if i'm 3,000 miles away, i'm connected with my boys. every day i can video chat with them. i could be in the middle of wyoming, even if i'm like waaay out here, i can still reach my kids. baby you, you see me? (sons) hey daddy! (vo) there for you when it matters most.
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somewhere you'll never find... sike! we put them everywhere. grocery stores and supermarkets, gas stations, and chiropractor's offices, bowling alleys, and grocery stores, which we already mentioned... not sorry, reese's. aww. yaaaayyy!!! aww. yaaaayyy!!! aww. yaaaayyy!!! we hide hotel names, so you can find four star hotels at two star prices. ♪ h-o-t-w-i-r-e ♪
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♪ h-o-t-w-i-r-e [hip-hop music] [light string music] ♪ - president trump's former lawyer and fixer michael cohen dropping a bombshell in federal court, pleading guilty to lying to congress about how much the president knew about a potential trump tower project in russia during the campaign out of loyalty to president trump. while cohen told congress last fall that the moscow project ended in january 2016, he now admits discussions about the project lasted as late as approximately june 2016 when trump was the presumptive republican presidential nominee. - that's right, former trump lawyer and human eeyore michael cohen... [laughter] is admitting that he lied to congress about trump's real estate dealings with russia. and these aren't like your typical trump real estate lies,
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like, "of course we installed smoke detectors." no, this lie is way more important, because it puts trump's contact with russia much closer to him being president. right? in january 2016, trump was just one of 17 possible morons who could become the gop nominee. but by june, he was the only moron who could become the nominee. why deal with russia at all while you're running for president of the united states? why not just avoid the conflict altogether? well, turn to page bullshit to find out. - i was running my business while i was campaigning. there was a good chance that i wouldn't have won, in which case i would've gone back into the business, and why should i lose lots of opportunities? - hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, whoa. wait, did you hear what he just said? wait, he said the reason that he didn't stop his business dealings is because he also thought he would lose. he just said that. he said, "there was a good chance-- a good chance that i wouldn't have won." well, that--yeah, i agree with him now.
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[laughter] no, because before, i was like, yeah, i'm against him, but in trump's defense, i understand why he did it. like, i would have told him to do the same thing. if in 2016, trump came up to me and he's like, "trevor, "do you think i should shut down my business in case i become president?" i'd be like, "donald, there's no danger of that happening, my friend." [lilting string music] - another shocking report in "the new york times." the paper claimed the fbi opened a counterintelligence investigation into whether the president was acting on behalf of the russians when he fired fbi director james comey. last night on fox news, the president asked point blank whether he worked on behalf of russia. - are you now or have you ever worked for russia, mr. president? - i think it's the most insulting thing i've ever been asked. - how is that the most insulting question he's ever been asked? i mean, people have been asking him if he wants to bang his daughter, but that is more insulting? yeah, "the other question was way more reasonable.
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i mean, we've all seen her, right? we've all seen her." but yes, "the new york times" reported that the fbi investigated donald trump because they thought he might be a secret russian spy, which, i'm sorry, is just crazy-- not because he wouldn't do it, but because donald trump would be the world's worst spy. no one would hire him. right? he--he can't be a spy. he doesn't even have an inside voice. [laughter] he'd be out there like, "thank you for meeting me "under this bridge to exchange these top-secret documents!" [laughter] i don't think trump is a russian spy. all right? but i won't lie, it doesn't help his case when he's doing stuff like this. - a bombshell report in the "washington post" claiming president trump went to, quote... the "post" reporting that at that private meeting in hamburg back in 2017, the president confiscated his own interpreter's notes, shutting out members of the administration.
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- now, you got to admit, that's real shady, right? because now everyone wants to know, what did he say to putin that was so bad he couldn't let anyone else see it? could've been collusion. could've been something worse. you know, like maybe trump said, "i love you." [laughter] and then putin replied, "thank you." in which case, i'm with trump. you can never let that get out. [jaunty folk music] collusion. it's the big question about the trump campaign and russia. but one place where there's definitely no collusion is between rudy giuliani's brain and his mouth. - in a new interview, the president's personal attorney, rudy giuliani, says he cannot say if trump campaign officials colluded with russia during the 2016 campaign. - false reporting is saying that there has been no suggestion of any kind of collusion between the campaign and any russian. - well, you just misstated my position. i never said there was no collusion between the campaign
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or between people in the campaign. - yes, you have. - i have no idea if-- i have not. i said the president of the united states. [laughter] - wait. hold on, hold on. did giuliani just admit that there was collusion? [audience shouting] yes! - i think he did. and look at their faces. like... neither of them can believe what just happened. [laughter] like--like, cuomo looks like a valedictorian caveman and giuliani looks like if gollum realized he just left his wallet in an uber. he's just like, "my precious!" [jaunty folk music] first tattoo? yeah relax, amigo, it's gonna look ok. only ok? no worries boss, i'm one of the tattoo artists in the city. you mean one of the best tattoo artists in the city? right? something like that... ya. uh, aren't you supposed to draw it first? stay in your lane, bro. just ok is not ok. especially when it comes to your network. at&t is america's best wireless network,
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♪ whatever will be, will be ♪ the future's not ours to see ♪ que será, será ♪ what will be, will be ♪ que será, será ♪ whatever will be, will be ♪ que será, seráaaaaa
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[hip-hop music] ♪ [elegant string music] ♪ - breaking news tonight. longtime trump ally and adviser roger stone indicted by special counsel robert mueller's grand jury and arrested in an early morning raid on his florida home. - fbi agents in bulletproof vests descending on his home, guns drawn. - stone was indicted on five counts of false statements, one count of obstruction, and one count of witness tampering. - that's right. special counsel robert mueller has now charged a sixth associate of donald trump. this time it was roger stone,
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personal adviser to the president and what mike pence would look like after one drink. now... usually... usually, when someone in president trump's circle comes under investigation, trump downplays his connection to them. that's what he does. you know, it's like how trump said that paul manafort was barely on the campaign or that george papadopoulos was a coffee boy or jared kushner was just his [bleep]-blocker. but trump might have a harder time dismissing roger stone, and not just because stone dresses like he crashes british weddings, but also because a big question in this investigation is whether the trump campaign coordinated with wikileaks to release hillary's hacked emails, right? and in his indictments, mueller says that roger stone was directed to contact wikileaks by someone in the trump campaign. now, was that someone trump himself? we don't know. but if it wasn't trump, you would expect his people to just come out and say so. but instead, they're avoiding the question
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like it's a friend's poetry reading. - the charges brought against mr. stone have nothing to do with the president. that's what i'm clear on, and that's what i can tell you about it today. - you keep telling me you're clear on that, but then you will not answer whether it was the president who directed a senior trump campaign official to contact roger stone, and you may not know. you may not know. all i'm saying-- - i actually have answered the question several times. you just don't like my answer. - no, no, no, no. you--you haven't told-- - those two things aren't the same. - well, did the president know or not? did--was it the president who made that direction or not? - uh, once again, i-- i haven't read this document. - okay. - i'm not an attorney. i'm not gonna be able to get into the weeds on those specifics. - that's right, i'm not an attorney. i can't tell you what the truth is. i'm not qualified. [laughter] like, is it just me, or does sarah huckabee sanders say all trump people had nothing to do with trump whenever shit hits the fan? i feel like this whole thing is gonna end with her coming out like, "uh, donald trump had nothing to do "with the trump presidency. "he was totally out of the loop. practically made zero decisions at all." [jaunty folk music]
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- [coughing] [gentle acoustic music] matt: well, it happened again... [ keyboard clacking ] ...another tragedy. will we ever learn? man: on a day like today, it's pointless to even post on social media. woman: but i absolutely must. jessica: i can't, and i won't, and i cannot, and i will not stay silent. woman #3: as an american... man: as an amateur stand-up comedian... man #2: as a privileged person who recognizes my own privilege... matt: is my duty to speak out. jake: admit it, you're all just posting on social media for the attention. jessica: today is not about me. share my post if you agree. [ sobbing ] ♪ christian: today has deeply affected me on a personal level. my thoughts and prayers are with the victims of this horrendous tragedy. matt: we have to fight fire with peace fire. share my post if you agree.


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