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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 8, 2019 1:33am-2:06am PST

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but then there was, like, this fire woman that was rescuing me. she was, like, carrying me down, and i was, like... "who are you?" like, she was hot. yas. it's cool that i can see that now. i mean, the female form -- god's hottest creation. oh, yeah -- "made in her image." hmm? it's a catholic thing. man, i'm just so bummed my modeling career is over before it started. but my mom was incredible. wow. she slayed. i got to show you. oh, my god. she posted all about it. who's that? huh? aww. eliot. [ inhales sharply, exhales ] god, everybody's moving away, huh? but not the most important one. [ smooches ] the most important person... [smooches] ...of my life. [ smooches ] i'd give everybody else up. [ smooches, smacks lips ] [ horn honks in distance ] yeah. show me -- why don't you show me pictures of your mom, 'cause i didn't see it. yeah, i didn't even give it to ya. here. holy shit. wow. i'm like, "go, girl!
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slay, girl. work it, girl. covergirl! slay, mama!" covergirl! covergirl! be the curl. both: covergirl! covergirl! covergirl. covergirl. covergirl! covergirl! covergirl! devachan. covergirl! covergirl! covergirl! ow! dude! ooh. sorry. i'm sorry. sorry. ow! [ groans ] ooh. sorry. i'm sorry. sorry. ow! [patriotic music] male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... ♪ [uplifting music] ♪ - major news from the white house-- someone just got fired, but not the person you were hoping for. - all right, we do have breaking news about a staff shake-up. - omarosa manigault-newman,
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better known as omarosa to people who like to watch "the apprentice, she will be leaving the white house effective january 20th. - general kelly was tired of it. he was tired of all the drama. kelly confronted her. she was very vulgar, very, um... she was cursing. she tried to go see the president. security alerted general kelly. he came back down, told secret service to take her out of there. - wow. - she was escorted off the property. it was very ugly. it was high drama. - oh, yeah! the trump administration is having its season one finale, people, i'm loving this! that is so wild. can you imagine being there when general kelly was fighting with omarosa? something like, "goddamn, this some bull! i'm sick a this crap! [bleep]!" and then omarosa was like, "okay, fine, i'll leave." - i resigned, and i didn't do that in the residence as being reported. but when i have a chance to tell my story, michael,
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quite a story to tell. as the only african-american woman in this white house, as a senior staff and assistant to the president, i have seen things that have made me uncomfortable, that have upset me, that have affected me deeply and emotionally, that has affected my community and my people. - oh. when she says her people, does she mean reality show stars? because she was not fighting for black people in the white house-- "my people." slow down, omarosa parks, slow down. you can't roll hard with president trump for a year and then come back to the neighborhood like, "that was really weird, right?" anyone else notice that? it was just me? anyone? oh, and if you're wondering whether black people were buying it, just ask robin roberts. - she said she has a story to tell. i'm sure she'll be selling that story. - we will see. - yeah, she will. bye, felicia. crowd: ooh! - oh! - omarosa's stunning "meet the press" interview where she tells all about her time in the white house.
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- donald trump is a con and has been masquerading as someone who is actually open to engaging with diverse communities. he is truly a racist. - omarosa! how can you say that about the president three years after we all said that about the president? how? seriously, though? omarosa had to spend a year in the white house to learn that donald trump doesn't know what he's doing? like, i can't wait for her next book, "donald trump: something's wrong with his hair." but the revelations in omarosa's book aren't even the juicy part of the story, because it turns out that, unlike james comey, she wasn't just making notes. she was making tapes. - former presidential advisor omarosa manigault newman admitted that she secretly recorded chief of staff john kelly firing her in the high security white house situation room.
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- what's weird about this is that omarosa is presenting these tapes as evidence that she was treated unfairly, but from what she released, john kelly doesn't sound that bad. if anything, he just sounded like a guy who had a lot more important things to do, you know, he's just like, "look, i can't have this conversation "right now--the president accidentally swallowed "the nuclear launch codes, and, uh, we need to come up with some new ones, asap." like, if anything, these tapes may have landed omarosa in hot water, because she took a recording device into the white house situation room. that's the room where presidents hold the most classified meetings, like highly classified, things that are too secret for the oval office. like, the bin laden raid was run from the situation room. i mean, i know now we don't now what they use that room for under trump, i mean, i bet if we checked the security cam footage now, we'd just see like ben carson
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sneaking in to take naps and... and don junior going in there to practice his karate. you know, just like [as don] "the true master is one who can strike without waking me up." and as if taping the chief of staff in the situation room wasn't scandalous enough, today, omarosa dropped her latest mixed tape, and this one features the president himself. oh, and please listen to how trump reacts when he "finds out" omarosa has been fired. - "i don't love you leaving at all. "i just found out! they run a big operation, omarosa. god damn it!" you know, for a man who lies as much as trump, you'd think he'd be better at it. he's like, "no. i'm so upset about this!"
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i wonder if he did this to people who got fired from "the apprentice," if he also called them, he's like, "hey, gary, "i just saw last night's episode--what happened? what happened? god damn it, i didn't know." [mellow music] ♪ - breaking news out of the white house. the president has asked secretary of state rex tillerson to step aside, and he will be replaced with the current cia director, mike pompeo. - that's right. president trump has fired secretary of state and human grumpy cat, rex tillerson. and this just continues an unprecedented run of people quitting or getting fired from the trump administration. i mean, think about it. we're not even 14 months in, and look at all the people we've lost, right? this is like "saving private ryan" numbers over here. look at this, right? that's a shit ton of people. and i'm not exaggerating. rex was only one of three people who were fired today.
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yeah. his aide was fired for explaining how tillerson was fired, and trump's personal assistant was fired for possible financial crimes. yeah. working for the white house is basically like being in a "saw" movie, you know? you show up, you get tortured for a while, and then you get killed off. that's how it works. but of course, there's always the president, whose catchphrase is literally "you're fired," didn't have the balls or the decency to tell tillerson the news to his face. - the secretary of state was informed by white house chief of staff john kelly that the president had made a decision to relieve him of his duties but did not say when that would happen. - he learned about his termination officially in a tweet by the president. - okay, i'm sorry. that's messed up. how can you fire a man in a public tweet? at least slide into his dms. - you know, i wish rex a lot of good things. i think he's gonna do--i think he's gonna be very happy. i think rex will be much happier now. - you know, trump-- trump is right. yeah. rex tillerson will be much happier now.
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everyone who leaves the white house ends up happier. just look at this guy or this guy, and especially this guy. [laughter] yeah. but even though he was a disaster overall, we should still be able to celebrate rex tillerson's greatest achievements, which we celebrate tonight in rex tillerson's greatest achievements. [uplifting music] ♪ - nbc news reporting that the secretary of state rex tillerson called the president he serves a moron. - my source didn't just say that he called him a moron. he said an effing moron. [musical flourish] ♪ [cheers and applause] - tillerson, thank you for your service. ♪ the undisputed champs, tundran and tacoma!. and in this corner, the reigning rulers of the road! let's get ready for spriiiiinnng!
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[solemn music] ♪ - andrew mccabe, number two at the fbi,
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has been fired. now, the justice department says it's because mccabe lied about leaking information to the press, but mccabe has a different theory. - mccabe says his firing was part of a wider effort to discredit the fbi and the mueller investigation. he says he was singled out because of events he witnessed in the aftermath of the firing of fbi director james comey. - oh, okay. that's interesting. so mccabe says he got fired because he's got dirt on donald trump. one of his best stories about the president hating mccabe-- one of the best stories i've heard-- came out after comey was fired, right, when trump was so angry that he roasted mccabe about his wife losing a race for state senate. - trump demanded to know why comey was allowed to fly home on an fbi plane after he had been fired, these people said. mccabe told the president he hadn't been asked to authorize comey's flight, but if anyone had asked, he would have approved it. the president was silent for a moment, then turned on mccabe, quote: "ask your wife how it feels to be a loser," trump said. mccabe replied, "okay, sir." trump hung up the phone.
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- he's mad at comey, right? he's mad at comey. so he insults mccabe's wife because she ran for a senate seat and lost? that's so messed up. especially since trump should know what it's like to have a wife who wants to run. come on! [laughter] and... [applause] and poor mccabe... [cheers and applause] poor mccabe in this whole thing-- he's so fbi that he gets insulted and he's just like, "okay. okay, sir." that's all he does? 'cause the commander-in-chief insults him, he treats it like it's an order: "why don't you ask your wife why you're so bad in bed." "okay, sir. honey, the president has a question." so again, again... it's well known that president trump wasn't a fan of andrew mccabe, but still, that doesn't prove that he conspired to have mccabe fired. it is suspicious, though, that back in december, trump tweeted, "mccabe is racing the clock to retire with full benefits. 90 days to go." and then right at the deadline... - former fbi deputy director andrew mccabe fired tonight by attorney general jeff sessions
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just two days before mccabe was going to retire, his pension now gone. - that was just 26 hours before mccabe was due to retired on his 50th birthday. - so in the end, trump appears to have been extra vindictive about this, right? he said he didn't want mccabe to get his pension, and it looks like he made sure that that happened. and we don't know for sure what happened. but that's how it looks, like if you've been saying for a year, "i wish my dickhead husband gets killed by a 1982 dodge caravan," and then three months later, your husband gets killed by a 1982 dodge caravan, don't be shocked when they cops show up like, "ma'am, we suspect "that you killed your dickhead husband with a 1982 dodge caravan." "but i loved that dickhead! i did!" [slow jazzy music] ♪ - cnn breaking news. - breaking news-- president trump suddenly fires the attorney general jeff sessions for the unpardonable sin of recusing himself from the russia investigation. - jeff sessions, forced to resign today
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at president trump's request. - president trump fired attorney general jeff sessions. - okay, now, that's not fair to president trump. he didn't fire jeff sessions. he just said "rumplestiltskin," and then the curse was broken. that's how it works. and remember, this is all happening in one day, you realize this? all of this is happening in one day, and this is huge news. the president has fired his attorney general. and i know there were rumors that this might happen. in fact, people were talking about sessions getting fired for so long, he probably already had a back-up job lined up. he's like, [accent] "it's okay. "i'm already assistant manager at baby gap. "but... but i want you to know i've recused myself from folding those onesies." and the timing, man, the timing is so brazen from trump. this is literally less than 24 hours after the midterms. he knew that this wouldn't look good before the midterms. he doesn't even wait-- he just pulls the trigger on this thing. he could at least have made it seem
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like he needed to think about it first, you know? it's like when you're in a relationship and your girlfriend is like, "hey, if something ever happened to me, which one of my friends w--" "karen!" [laughter] "i didn't--i didn't even finish what i was gonna--" "what? what were you gonna say?" "which one of my friends would you hook up with?" "karen. yeah, karen." "have you been thinking about this?" "no. it just came into my head now. yeah. karen on the beach in montauk. that's, uh..." it's like, think about it, trump, fake it! and i never thought i'd say this, but i feel bad for jeff sessions. because apparently, trump didn't fire him to his face or even call him. he just sent john kelly with like a pre-written resignation letter. yeah, john kelly probably got there and he was like, [as john] "all right, jeff, you wanna do this "the easy way or the omarosa way? which one is it?" [sentimental music] ♪ - fox news has now confirmed
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that ty cobb is out as the president's in-house russia counsel. - less than a month ago, the president tweeted this: the failing "new york times" purposely wrote a false story stating that i am unhappy with my legal team on the russia case. wrong. i am very--all caps-- very happy with my lawyers, john down, ty cobb, jay sekulow. they are doing a great job. - yeah, they're doing such a great job that two of them are now gone. you know, whenever trump tweets that someone's job is safe, it's like that video from "the ring"-- seven days later, you're gone. that's how it works. so it's now official. ty cobb is out. and you know shit must be brewing if a guy who looks like ty cobb is bailing. like, do you know what it takes to scare a guy who had cholera during the spanish-american war? do you know what it takes to scare that person? [solemn music] ♪
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[ sirens ] somit's getting you alright? who is that? uh, uh. mom. [ panting ] what do you want? [ screaming ] they have the upper hand. careful. we need to move and keep moving. buckle up. [ screaming ] jordan peele's... hey, how ya doing? uh, phil. are you guys good with brakes? we're ok. just ok? we got a saying here. if the brakes don't stop it, something will.
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[solemn music] ♪ - also breaking this morning, house speaker paul ryan will not run for re-election in november. he is the 23rd republican to announce their retirement. - this year will be my last one as a member of the house. it's been a wild ride, but it's been a journey well worth taking to be able to do my part to strengthen the american idea. - oh... he sounds like it's his last day at camp. "it's been a wild ride. "so many fun memories with my friends. "like the time i tried to take away "poor children's health care. wah! and swimming by the lake-- best summer ever! ah!" yes. paul ryan, top ranking congressman and guy at the gym who eye-bangs himself in the mirror, is stepping down. and then stepping back up and then stepping down. i guess it's legs day. and this is a big deal. it really is a big deal.
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even though paul ryan looks young enough to play spider-man, you've got to remember that he's actually been in congress since 1999. yeah. that was so long ago, britney spears hadn't even done it again yet. yeah. she'd only done it one time, and remember, we all thought that would be the only time. we were so naive back then. now, other than pretending that he was upset about stuff president trump said, the thing that paul ryan was most famous for was his deep, sincere concern about america's national debt. - we are fiscal conservatives. what that means is we believe government should not live beyond its means. the debt is projected to grow to truly catastrophic levels in the near future, leading to an economic collapse and a diminished future. bringing our deficit up to a trillion dollars will only serve to actually weaken the dollar. i don't know what it would take for a person to completely sell out the will of the american people, sell out the federal budget, sell out our children and grandchildren. what on earth could you be given in legislation
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to make you vote for that? - cuts? (bell dinging) oh! i got it right! i got it right. thank you! [cheers and applause] thank you! yeah because, you see, after eight years of blaming president obama for the ballooning national debts, last year when the republicans took over the entire government under the leadership of paul ryan, here's what they did. - the two biggest achievements for me are, first, the major reform of our tax code for the first time in 36 years, which has already been a huge success for this country, and that's something i been working on my entire adult life. - new forecasts say the u.s. budget deficit will balloon in the next few years, largely thanks to the republican tax cuts. - the cpo says it'll hit a trillion dollars by 2020. - yeah. but i mean, look, come on, come on. let's not be haters. what's a few trillion dollars between friends, right? just because paul ryan turned out to be a complete fraud doesn't mean we can't give him the sendoff that he deserves. paul ryan is leaving us, folks.
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so let's pour out a 40. 40 grams of protein, of course. yeah. just for him, the way he would like it. [laughter, applause] just for you, paul. [sentimental music] ♪ - yet another white house shakeup. this one's perplexing even those in the president's own inner circle. president trump caught many off guard this weekend when he announced his chief of staff john kelly will be out by the end of the year. - john kelly will be leaving, retir--i don't know if i can say retiring, but he's a great guy. john kelly will be leaving at the end of the year. - no! not john kelly. he was just about to get trump to act presidential. he just needed one more week! so close. i think it's fair to say that being trump's chief of staff did not work out well for john kelly.
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because remember, he came into the job known as a respected four-star general, and now he's leaving the job known as the guy who fired omarosa. like...that's a downgrade. that's actually the saddest thing about john kelly. it seems like his whole job was just telling other staffers that trump was firing them. 'cause he had to fire omarosa, he fired scaramucci, he fired steve bannon, he fired rex tillerson, he fired jeff sessions. i wouldn't be shocked if trump made him fire himself. he was just there like, "the president has requested your resignation." "what? after all i've done?" "please, try to leave with some dignity." "go to hell, you son of a bitch!" "don't talk about our mom like that." maaah! maaah! [somber music] ♪
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publicly blasting a national security official. - the first lady called for deputy national security advisor mira ricardel to be fired, complaining directly to her husband about being unhappy with ricardel during her first solo trip to africa in october. the two fought over seating on the plane and using national security council resources for the trip. the first lady's office issued a statement saying... - sweet lord, melania does not mess around. we barely hear from her, and then when she does speak, it's to fire somebody? and like, whatever this lady did must have made melania so mad, 'cause you realize trump cheats on her, and she's pretty chill about it. but then melania goes on a flight, and all of a sudden, she's all like, [accent] "bitch took aisle seat." [laughter] and like, honestly, i don't even know who this is. mira ricardel? who is this person that they're firing? like, they're running out of people we know to fire. this is like "walking dead", season six.
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