tv The Daily Show Comedy Central July 10, 2019 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT
[patriotic music] male narrator: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [hip-hop music] ♪ - the question is, does liberal outrage at trump only drive more people to his side? well, for answers, we turn to our senior civility correspondent. michael kosta, everybody. [cheers and applause] - michael, this is-- this is-- this is really confusing. - well, i know it seems confusing, trevor, but those pundits are absolutely right. it's like when my girlfriend kept accusing me of wanting to sleep with karen. you know, she brought it up so much that eventually, i slept with karen.
[laughter] again, i had already slept with-- i'm not a great person. i'm just making the point. - wait, wait. what is the point again? - the point is, like my girlfriend, all the liberals screaming and shouting annoys people so much it makes them vote for trump. - well, but wait. isn't there a double standard here, michael? i mean, like, the president's supporters want civility, but he's out there calling people bitches and saying that some women are too ugly to assault. - he's just telling it how it is. i mean, sorry if it triggers you, but it's funny. - okay, but then robert de niro saying "[bleep] trump" at the tony awards. - that's crude, okay? that is crude and disgusting. if george washington saw what's become of the tony awards, trevor... [laughter] i'm just glad he's dead. - well, i--here's the thing. i guess i just don't understand how people could be more offended at language than policies. you know, like how conservatives flipped out when peter fonda tweeted that trump's children should be locked in a cage? - and how dare he, trevor?
how dare peter fonda, the star of "ulee's gold," the 123rd top-grossing movie of 1997, a man with that kind of power, say the president's child should be locked up. - yeah, but the president is actually locking up children right now. - ye--yeah, but so what? sometimes you got to lock kids up, but to threaten to lock kids up... i just thank god abraham lincoln was shot to death before he read that tweet. - okay, but-- but just so we're clear, this is the same side that cheered on corey lewandowski when he mocked a girl with down syndrome being taken away from her parents. - do you even have jokes in africa, trevor? [laughter] lewandowski wasn't mocking the girl, he was mocking people who think a girl with down's syndrome being separated from her family is sad. - but it is sad. if you don't think that, you're heartless. - oh, really, trevor, you're calling trump voters heartless? guess what? they just got ten more trump votes, right there.
- wait, wait. i just got him ten more votes? that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard. - oh, and now they're stupid too? now those ten people are definitely voting for trump. - didn't you just say that they were already voting for trump? - they might have forgotten. those people are kind of stupid. - so--so, let me get this straight, if liberals criticize trump, he'll get more votes, but if they don't do anything, then he wins anyway. so how can they win the situation? - don't ask me. i mean, i had a girlfriend and karen and now they've both kicked me out. you know... i'm just glad ronald reagan is too dead to see this proud american reduced to sleeping in the office of his african boss. - wa-- [laughter] wait. you're sleeping in my office? - that's trevor noah, everybody. we'll be right back. thank you very much. [dramatic music] - the nation's media may be focused on kids and cages being ripped apart from their families at the border, but down here in trump country, they only wanted to talk about one thing. - space force. we need it. - space force. - making space great again.
- i am so excited about space force. - there was just one question. what is space force? - something we've been missing for a long time. - we get to go to space. - well, isn't it fun to say it? say--say space force. - space force, it's the next generation. - it's exciting, isn't it? what is it? - it is, uh, what they refer to as a... cloud computer. - so space force is itunes, it's where all my music is. - yes, i agree. it's--it's itunes. - what is space force? - you know, space exploration and... - yeah. - um, just... finding out what's out there, i guess. - but nasa does space exploration. - nasa is only gonna tell us what they want us to know... whereas, i think trump will send his own stuff and we will find out the truth. - who will lead space force? - neil armstrong. - okay. i mean, he is dead. we'd have to bring him back to life. - he has to have a military background. - i think they should be in the military, yeah. - has to have a military background. - i think so yeah.
- but the military has advised president trump that we don't need a space force. - well, trump is his own man. - oh. he knows more. - and--and he's gonna tell us the truth about what's out there. - when you're in trump's universe, everyone loves space force. all: space force! space force! - but why do we need space force? - i'm sure that there will be war in space. - let's not forget 9/11, okay. well, i think the space force could help prevent the next 9/11. - which would be 9/12. - 9/12, 9/13. - okay. - i think isis could get to space. - space isis? - space isis. right, space isis. but do we really need a space force? - it doesn't make a lot of sense and we would be wasting a lot of dollars, but at the same time, it's just gonna be cool. - let me just unpack what you just said. - right. - we need to have a space force. - mm-hmm. - it's gonna be a waste of money... - yeah. - but it's gonna be cool. - right. - so we need to have it? - pretty much. - you stand by that statement? - i stand by that statement a hundred percent. - [bleep] yeah, space force. - pretty much. pretty much we need, uh, regulations in space because you can do whatever you want.
- isn't trump against regulation? - yeah, but as, uh... you know, i just stuttered myself here. you know what? space force... - yeah? - it's just a cool name. - it's just a cool name? and that's good enough. space force. [hip-hop music] ♪ therthen he tried tostitoshael scoops and salsa... and he started following them in real life. ♪ hey, mike. sup. oh! tostitos. get together already.
[[airpod case clicking open]g] hey siri, play me something new. ♪ music playing ♪ ♪ it was just past one when two three men from four five ♪ ♪ step to me door like ♪ oh my gosh ♪ just throw that cash in a black bag ♪ ♪ run around the back and ♪ pull up the track, cause yaow ♪ ♪ i just learnt some jazz today, it's true ♪ ♪ you gon' learn ♪ ♪ you gon' learn ♪ ♪ you gon' learn, hey ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, pete!?! c'mon man.
what? we said pantyhose right? here, eat this... creamy snickers®. you could use a little smoothness. pete? pete zagorin? get smooth with the fresh-ground nut butters in new creamy snickers®. [hip-hop music] ♪ - michael, you are a white man. - thank you, trevor. - what are your thoughts on reparations? - oof, uh, i mean this is a difficult issue, trevor, but, honestly...
i think white people should support america paying reparations for slavery. because, let's face facts. slavery was the worst thing that america has ever done. not counting the time we stabbed the moon to death with the american flag. - wow, michael, that's a really progressive opinion. - i--it's not crazy. reparations often do happen. germany paid reparations for the holocaust, canada paid reparations to their indigenous people. i'm still paying reparations to my friend tony. apparently, watching the cats also means you have to feed them. [blows raspberry] - you--you watched them die? what the-- anyway, anyway. we don't have time for that. aside from the cat thing, i'm actually impressed that you michael kosta, a white man, support reparations for black people. - what? no, i'm doing this for white people. because if america pays reparations to black people, then white people will finally be free from the bondage of white guilt. - i knew there was a catch. - what catch? - i knew it! - i--what catch? i'm saying, wouldn't it be wonderful to wipe the slate clean?
we pay reparations and white guilt goes away. no more worrying about, is it people of color or african-americans or my home dogs in the hizzle. that's why i'm pro reparations. first we elected obama, then we gave "moonlight" the oscar, throw in reparations and we call it square. - kosta, this is an ignorant argument and, honestly, i'm really offended by it. - whoa, sorry. well, allow me to make reparations for how i've wronged you. [laughter] there's 50 bucks. [pops lips] - all right, now i'm mildly irritated by what you said. - there, you see. it's a win/win. my guilt is gone and you get to buy a new ceremonial africa thing. - what? - oops, i-- i shouldn't have said that. here's 50 bucks. i'm sorry about that. - i'm--i'm- i'm not liking what you're saying, but i like this idea. i'm not gonna lie. - exactly, and that's just the beginning of what white people can do once we've atoned for the past. we can finally corn row our hair and we can say words like "on fleek," and finally, finally-- thank god--
i can be rude to a black person and not have them think i'm racist just that i'm a douche bag. so to all my fellow white home dogs in the hizzle, i got to say get on board with reparations. because a wonderful, guiltless day awaits us. a day when we can shake our dreadlocks in the sun and i can shout, "free at last! free at last! thank god almighty, we're free at last." - michael kosta, everyone. [percussive music] - here are people who think they can shame stephen miller into changing his mind, and here are people who think they can insult stephen miller into changing his mind. but what they don't get is that stephen miller, as my chart explains, he's actually above it all, okay? you see what i mean? [laughter] this illustrates... how investigators deal with attorney/client privilege. you see, trevor, this circle represents documents pertinent to the criminal investigation, while this circle represents documents that our prosecutors are not allowed to see.
and this, very sensitive area right in the middle, that's where the taint team works. [laughter] - that seems like an important job. - yeah, this is a crack team of lawyers we're talking about here. experts and probing, which is necessary, because if you stray too far in the wrong direction, things can start to get a little hairy. [laughter] - so--so, michael, what exactly is the taint team sniffing around for? - well, trevor, they're looking for what's known in legal circles as, all notable documents under surveillance or the acronym a.n.u.s, for short. [laughter] - well, no, no, no, no. hold on. hold on. you said, "all notable documents." where's the d? - oh, the d? well, the d is up here. [laughter] there are two spheres of the scumbag defense. so here's innocence, and over here is being a scumbag. now, normally, they don't overlap, but now, giuliani has inserted trump right here, and this is his comfort zone,
and he can bounce back and forth between these two with total freedom. innocent. scumbag. innocent. scumbag. and he can get right in the middle there and just be perfect. [blubbering] [laughter and applause] look, here's florida, okay? now, let's start with the panhandle, okay? so these two counties right here, okaloosa and walton, now, they obviously went republican, but, as you travel down the states... [laughter] you get more of a red and blue, and the votes mix, and you have a bit of a-- there's a bit of a throbbing purple if you will. - mich--mi--michael, i already see where this is going. - trevor, you know me. this is only going to take me two minutes tops. okay, now, the real area that you have to pay attention to is the tip. right--right down here, broward county. now, this is the most sensitive area of florida. - now, that's--that's because-- that's because of
the tense recounts happening there, right? because of the recounts. - yep, sure. whatever tickles your pickle, trevor. here are the democrats who favor impeachment, okay? and here are the democrats who don't. now-- - okay. please, dude, i know what-- you do this all the time, man. - what? - you're just drawing a butt. - what is wrong with you, trevor? this is a peach, for impeachment. okay? but if you're not ready for impeachment, there's another option, that's only two inches away, and a lot of people believe it doesn't technically count. - okay, okay, you know what? i'm--i'm stopping this. - wait, i haven't even drawn the dick yet. every time i come out here, you have me holding a chart of a penis or--or a butt hole. you know that i don't even tell my family i work here? they think i'm an intern for isis. [hip-hop music] ♪
sun care is self care. i used to not love wearing an spf just because i felt like it was so oily and greasy. but with olay regenerist whip spf 25, it's so lightweight. i love it. i'm busy philipps, and i'm fearless to face anything. well then chill your reese's, dessyou'll eat it slower.ast? i wouldn't know i swallow mine whole like a duck. not sorry. reese's. [seag[bottle opens] "ahh"
[hip-hop music] ♪ - america loves guns. - [shouting] - hell, i love guns, but i also hate guns. - another mass shooting in america. - another mass shooting. - yet another mass shooting. - so i was wondering, what if there was a world where people could keep their guns and have no mass shootings. [alphorn blows off-key] welcome to switzerland, a neutral country most known for its cobblestone streets perfect for skipping, its clocks, sophisticated pocket knives, and guns. turns out, peaceful switzerland is one of the most heavily armed nations in the world, and like america, they love their guns. yet they have almost zero gun violence. how the [bleep] is that possible?
luckily, i ran into an expert. is that a gun in your pocket or are you just-- oh, that's a gun. meet mikko. for 20 plus years, he's been a firearms instructor for law enforcement personnel, military, and special forces. he also happens to be one hunk of a man. so, thor, tell me about swiss gun culture. - we respect the guns, because we have a mandatory service. every man goes to the army. they get training and a rifle, um, in case of the invasion. - which to be fair, is a real threat. since the last time switzerland was invaded was in 1798, before color was invented. - i think the gun culture in america is getting out of hand. it is a joke. there should be common sense gun laws. - common sense? that's not our strength. - yeah, i've noticed that. - yeah, well, i can say that, but i don't like it when you say that. - okay. - but what we do have is that good old american gun freedom. - god!
- you know how easy it is to get a gun in the u.s.? i just go to walmart, psht, give 'em the money, gun. - i know. it's crazy. - my uncle paul, out of his truck, he's got a bunch of guns. my brother todd has a gun. you want to use it? boom, borrow it for the weekend. that's nice. - not really. in switzerland, you can get a gun from your grandparents or from your father, but you still have to do the paperwork. - even if i get a gun from my grandpa, i still got to tell the cops about it? - yeah. - that's crazy. because in most states in america, you can buy a gun almost immediately without any background check. how many school shootings have there been? - none. - what about malls? have there been people shoo-- - no. - what about, like, major holidays? people get shot up at major holidays here-- - nothing. - come on. with all those guns, they had to have at least one mass shooting somewhere. after weeks of research, i discovered there was, in fact, one mass shooting in the swiss parliament in 2001. but they haven't had one since? c'est incroyable! you had a mass shooting 17 years ago.
we have one every 17 minutes. - [speaking french] - this is something that i'm having a hard time comprehending. you learned from a mistake, and you made an improvement in the law. that's so europe. and while switzerland's last mass shooting was in 2001, america has had-- no, keep going. no, more. more. yeah, there you go. over 1,900 mass shootings since 2012. averaging to about one a day. which is why mikko felt i needed to be properly trained before i headed back to the states. - we have to talk about safety first. - can i, like--like, with this one. - yeah, just leave it alone. don't--don't touch it. - don't--well, how we're gonna shoot it if i can't touch it? - well, let me explain you the rules first. so number one thing that you have to remember is that, you always treat guns as if they're loaded. because, probably most of the accidents that happens, happens with, "empty," guns. - all right, so this--this one here. - don't touch it. don't touch it.
i think you don't pay enough, you know, attention to what i'm saying. - okay. i'm listening. - so you just have to follow four simple rules. number one... [echoing, distorted] you treat the guns always as if they are loaded. number two, never point at anything that you're not... number four... i got a feeling that you're not paying attention enough. - what? no, i am. let's do it. let blow some shit up. mikko, when you load these things, you ever get a little bit of a... [whistles] erection? - do exactly what i say. okay? - okay. - all right, pay attention. - pay attention. - okay, and slowly press back until the gun goes off. - jesus. this scares the shit out of me. i'm glad we had that safety instruction. this is the dream. shooting guns without the fear of getting shot. this is where america should be. all we need to do is keep ammo separate and have universal criminal and mental background checks, have extremely strict open carry laws, justification for ownership, send written request to authorities, and... [sighs] basically just change our entire gun culture.
we can do that, right? it's not really that fun when you keep shitting yourself. - you get used to it. [gunshot] [hip-hop music] ♪ oh, pete!?! c'mon man. what? we said pantyhose right? here, eat this... creamy snickers®. you could use a little smoothness. pete? pete zagorin? get smooth with the fresh-ground nut butters in new creamy snickers®. ♪ ♪ i'm sloane stephens, and i bounce back with chocolate milk. sun care is self care.
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[hip-hop music] ♪ - i'm a lot of things, a son, a brother, probably a father, but most importantly, i'm a michael. so for my year-end look back, i want to focus on all the tremendous news made by people named michael. yes, 2018 was a year dominated by the michael community. from actor michael b. jordan who blew everyone away in "black panther" to hurricane michael who blew everyone away, period. [laughter] but which mike made the biggest spike? well let's find out with michael kosta's, top michaels of 2018... sponsored by, michaels. [laughter] need a popsicle stick and some styrofoam
in the shape of a [bleep] cone or whatever? and you're also a hermit who hasn't heard of amazon. then go to michaels. [light laughter] all right, coming in at number five, we've got, michael wolff, who kicked off 2018 with "fire and fury," his salacious trump white house tell all that was an instant bestseller, totally eclipsing my book, "kosta's rasta pasta, 10,000 jamaican spaghetti recipes you didn't know you needed," mon. at number four, it's world's most annoying lawyer and mobster cave man, michael avenatti, who made headlines representing adult film star and former trump mistress, stormy daniels. now, despite never actually winning a case for his client, michael a. spent 2018 making appearance after appearance, pretty much anywhere that would have him. avenatti started the year unknown and ended up on television all the time in what we tv professionals call
a "reverse" matt lauer, and-- audience: ooh. - the number three michael, it's the 1996 john travolta classic, "michael." i watched it 45 times this year, and let me tell you, it does not hold up. [laughter] in the number two spot--slot, it's former trump attorney, michael cohen. yes, he's going to jail for three years, but he might also bring down a president. in my opinion, that would make him the michael jordan of michaels. [laughter] and that brings us to the moment we've all been waiting for, the michael of the year. [clears throat] [light laughter] oh, dang, my electric bill was very high this month. but--but the top michael of 2018 is, "daily show" correspondent, michael kosta. [cheers and applause] what?
that's right. from his super viral year in michael segment, to his beloved and sophisticated social commentary, michael k. truly made 2018 his bitch. so here to present the best michael award or emmee... [laughter] is netflix's own, trevor noah, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] - seriously? - yeah, come on. - you must be so proud. - oh, hell yeah, i am. thank you so much everybody. muah. [hip-hop music] ♪ - les: ♪ i'm goin' down ♪ to south park ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks ♪ without temptation
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