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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  September 25, 2019 1:40am-2:15am PDT

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to a drink with fewer calories and carbs than a glass of white wine. what are you holding? miller lite. hold true.
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>> welcome back to the only tv show that encourages you to leave your business card for your business card for a chance to win a free episode. a chance to win a free episode. next week, what's the deal with chop & steele? >> well, an impressive feat by our strongman duo, and what they're doing to educate people. that is coming up. >> one. >> all right, perfect. >> two, three. >> there you go. go up high. >> yep. >> oh. >> oh, sorry. >> both: seven, eight, nine... >> i don't know who i'm more excited to meet, chop or steele. who am i kidding? it's steele. follow me on the four majors of social media. come see me at the mirage in las vegas, and tickets for "the annual tosh saves the world comedy show" go on sale this week with all proceeds going to charity. the world needs me now more than ever, and santa barbara has the money. our tree of the week is the northern red oak. finally, 22 seasons,
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22 different wardrobe themes. "autumn hues every tues" is clearly a home run, but every year there are hundreds of perfectly hundreds of perfectly acceptable wardrobe ideas acceptable wardrobe ideas that this studio audience rejects. the season of extremist wear! [crowd booing] antifa fashion! the season of hilari-t's. >> all: boo. hilari-t's. >> it's the season of bad for green screen. >> all: boo. >> come on. it's the season of wedding season. >> all: boo. >> the season of edible clothing. >> all: boo. >> it's the season of welding attire. of welding attire. >> all: boo. >> all: boo.
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>> pretty sure that was just a brulee torch. all right, have fun solving this week's dirty word jumble. good night! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you for tuning in! and thank you for coming out! thank you so much for coming out! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is the governor of the great state of california, gavin newsom is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, greta thunberg roasts the u.n.
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lenny kravitz has lost his mojo, and donald trump is getting impeached. ( cheers and applause ) please, please! please, melania, stop cheering. ( laughter ) so let' let's catch up on todays headlines. let's kick it off with the united nations general assembly. every year the world's leaders gather together in new york city to clog up our traffic and ruin our food deliveries. they also try to solve some of the world's problems, but this year all the attention has been on teenage climate activist greta thunberg. ( cheers and applause ) yesterday, she addressed the general assembly and did not pull punches. >> this morning the united nations still feeling the shock waves of teenage climate activist greta thunberg. >> people are suffering, people are dying, entire ecosystems are collapsing. we are in the beginning of a mass extinction, and all you can talk about is money and
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fairytales of eternal economic growth! how dare you! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: wow! ( cheers and applause ) wow! that is one impressive 16-year-old. to be that mature at that age, like, when i was that age, the only impassioned speech i was giving to my cousin was for hugging the nintendo. you promised me a future where i would get to be luigi! ( laughter ) also i like how she's shitting on the audience and they're applauding her. that's what i love about the u.n. everyone thinks every speech is about the other leaders and not them. yes, tell them, tell them. you should be embarrassed, especially you paraguay, you know what you did. ( laughter ) philadelphia in the next story got the hero it deserves. >> philadelphia wide receiver
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agholor crit coos children after the man caught burning children from a burning building. hakim was walking near a burning house sunday night. a man was trapped and the fart started throwing the babies to him and other people. >> the man started throwing babies out of the window and we was catching him. unlike aguilar and his mishaps. >> the criticism after aguilar dropped several passes this season. aguilar invited him to be a guest at the next home game and thanked him for being a hero. >> trevor: oh, wow! catching a baby thrown out of a window, that is a real football fan right there. we're lucky he didn't spike the baby after he caught it with a little dance. i like how he took his moment of fame to trash an eagles receiver. i wish we had more petty heroes like this. someone out there, yes, i rescued a family from a blazing fire and you know who's not blazing?
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my ex's new boyfriend, you ain't shit, ashley, you ain't shit! imagine how it worked out, imagine how scary it is to throw a baby and rely on a stranger to catch it. have you ever thrown your each to someone? yeah, me neither. imagine throwing a baby out of a window. i would have questions before throwing it out. i would be, like, help, help. the person would be, like, here, throw it down. do you play any sorts sports? yeah, soccer. no, wrong sports. i play golf. that's more of a game, not a sport. yeah, but we're in the sun all day. yeah, that's walking. lenny kravitz, music icon and man suffering from severe shirt allergy. he is known for his amazing fashion sense and needs your help getting some back. >> lenny kravitz is asking for your help this morning to find a pair of lost sunglasses. no joke, the singer took to twitter telling his followers he
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misplaced this pair of vintage shades given to him by a family member and have sentimental value. >> they went missing after a show this weekend and are asking anyone who may have found them to send them to cavitiess dunn >> trevor: why would anyone steal those glasses? not like everyone could wear them. they don't work for people with regular jobs. lenny needs those glasses because how's he going to look cool. look at this poor man! without his glasses all he's got h sis six-pack, nose ring, sick tattoos, the v on his storage looking like a vegas sign pointing to the holy land. he has a v. right there. the rest of us our body just
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does this. ( laughter ) ( applause ) can i just say i love that lenny kravitz just set up an email address like he trusts the public enough to email him tips about the glasses. it's inspiring. i didn't know you could do this. i want to do it, too. if anyone has seen my tv remote, please, email trevor's tv remote and, yes, yes, that's right, someone already had trevor's tv remote at gmail so i had to add a one. if anyone knows who stole that email address from him. email trevor's email address 2 at i don't know how to shit works. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) donald j. trump. once again, the president of the united states is in big trouble.
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>> nbc news special report. >> good afternoon, everyone. we're coming on the air in this busy news day with breaking news, announcement from house speaker nancy pelosi of a formal impeachment inquiry into president trump. >> today, i'm announcing the house of representatives moving forward with an official impeachment inquiry. the actions taken to date by the president have seriously violated the constitution. the president must be held accountable. no one is above the law. >> trevor: holy crap. ( cheers and applause ) after two years of avoiding it, trump may finally face articles of impeachment, which, believe me, he's not happy about. it's impeachment which trump haircuts plus articles which he hates even more. ( laughter ) yeah, if his mom caught him with a playboy magazine, he would be,
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i swear, i'm not reading the articles, just looking at the boobs. ( laughter ) and if you thought trump was unhinged before, i can't even imagine what he's going to be like now. he's been crazy. can you imagine now? you better keep your kids away, twitter people because this thing is going to be a category 5 tweet storm and this one will hit alabama. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) but how did we get here, and what does it all mean? well, let's find out in our brand-new segment "the full story." ( cheers and applause ) so how did donald trump land himself on the road to impeachment? it started last week with a mysterious report from a whistleblower. >> this is cnn breaking news. >> we do begin with that breaking news. cnn learned that president trump had a communication with a foreign leader that was so troubling so one u.s.
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intelligence official that they filed a whistleblower complaint. "the washington post" reports this involved a promise. it is not known who the whistleblower is or who the foreign leader is. >> trevor: yes, it was so exciting. trump had a mysterious phone call with a foreign leader and everyone was wondering what it could be. did he promise kim jong un he could use his netflix password or promise vladimir putin a role in the next fast and furious movie? we don't know. the exciting question was who is the whistleblower because it could be anybody, except mike pence. oh, because he doesn't believe in blowing things. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. mother -- mother says the mouth is for prayer, nothing else. he doesn't even blow out birthday candles. he just uses a fire extinguisher on the cake. in the name of jesus i extinguish these tiny wax penises. ( laughter ) the breaking news is someone in the intelligence community
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reported trump for doing something with a shady foreign leader and didn't take long for the details to come out. >> trump has been accused of threatening to hold back military aid to the ukraine if leaders there fail to investigate vice president joe biden. >> the president pushed eight times into investigation into joe biden. at the time of the call the trump administration was withholding $250 million in military aid to yiewrk congress had already approved. >> trevor: yeah, this is huge. donald trump is accused of holding backmilitary aid approved by congress for ukraine unless they helped him dug up dirt on joe biden. which if true would be devastating. it's abuse of power and worst of all asking a foreign country to meddle in america's election. which is one thing if you were donald trump that you should stay away from. right? they had just beaten the russia case. it would be like the day after
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michael jackson got acquitted of abusing kids, he was, like, let's celebrate, slumber party at my house! ( laughter ) these guys are fighting off russian invasion, they're at war. now they have to deal with this shit? comrade, we need more ammunition! ( coughing ) what do you mean? no more bullets until we dig up dirt on joe biden. biden? didn't they see the clip? he's burying himself! ( cheers and applause ) so this was a pretty damning accusation against druch because using the power of presidency for your own political gain is about as bad as it gets, but, according to trump, he ain't gone shit. >> mr. trump dismissing the report as presidential harassment tweeting virtually anytime i speak on the phone to a foreign leader i understand
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there may be many people listening. is anybody dumb enough to think i would say something so inappropriate in such a heavily populated call? >> the call couldn't be nicer and even the ukrainian government put out a statement that that was a perfect call. >> trevor: yes, according to donald, he did nothing wrong in his dealings with ukraine, and they had a perfect call. i think he's lying. you know why? because there's no sump thing as a perfect call. something always goes wrong. that's why we text. always something wrong with a call. either the phone's cutting out or you're talking over each other or you tell them you love them and there's just silence, it's always something. here's another reason i think he's lying. if trump has nothing to hide and he did nothing wrong, then why is he doing this? >> the trump administration is facing a thursday deadline to hand over the complaint to congress as is required by law. >> the president is digging in his heels as the white house is blocking the release of a
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whistleblower complaint to congress. apparently about a conversation mr. trump had with a foreign leader that raised red flags with an administration official. >> trevor: you've got to admit that's highly suspicious. why is trump breaking the law to prevent congress from seeing the whistleblower's report? he must be up to something shady. or maybe he just said something really embarrassing on those calls. you know, maybe it was like, okay, great, well, it was nice talking to you. oh, by the way, if i drink anything after 8:00 p.m., i wet the bed. bye-bye! ( laughter ) bye! ( applause ) so despite the unanimous vote today from democrats and republicans in the senate to release the whistleblower's report, trump and his people are trying to block it at all costs. but the one silver lining of any trump scandal is that if you just wait long enough, eventually, he'll just spill the beans himself. >> the conversation i had was largely congratulatory, was
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largely corruption, all of the corruption taking place, was largely the fact we don't want our people, like vice president and his son, creating to the corruption already in the ukraine. there was no pressure put on them whatsoever, but there was pressure put on with respect to joe biden. what joe biden did for his son, that's something they should be looking at. >> trevor: okay, we all heard that, right? trump just said there was no pressure, except for the pressure to get dirt on biden. that's the only pressure we're talking about! ( laughter ) that's not a defense, that's an admission! that's like scar going, whoa, whoa, whoa, i'm not a murderer, i haven't killed anyone other than mo mu fassa. you should look into him. ( laughter ) in case you're wondering. there were's claim is while joe
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biden was vice president he pressured ukraine to fire someone because he was a board member. even if this support's trump's accusation, it wouldn't negate donald trump abuse fad beer of his office to dig up dirt on a political opponent. so that's the full story ukraine, trump, impeachment, hunter biden. unbut one key piece of the puzzle is missing, the whistleblower's complaint, the spark that started the blaze. if trump refuses to hand it over, we need to get it some way or another. thanks to lenny kravitz, we have the perfect solution. ( laughter ) if you have the whistleblower report, please, we need you to email it to trump whistle we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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[upbeat♪action music] (pilot) we're going to be on the tarmac for another 45 minutes or so. you've got to do it. and keep doing it. because there are those who don't. and those who do. let's do. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." this scandal involving president trump and the leader of ukraine could be the story of this presidency, considering it may lead to impeachment. but how will it all end and what does it mean? well, to help us figure it out, we turn to our senior political analyst i don' ronny chieng.
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( cheers and applause ) ronny, this is big news. how do you think this scandal will play out? >> uh -- pass. >> trevor: i'm sorry, did you say pass? >> yeah, pass. i'm skipping this one, trevor, okay? i'm not getting burned by another scandal the last two years that goes nowhere. you heard the swedish climate girl, we have 12 years left before the oceans swallow it so i'm not wasting time on this impeachment bullshit again. i don't want my last words to be marco rubio seems to be -- ( blubbering ) -- we all drown. >> trevor: no, but there's a whistleblower in trump's own government. >> great, a whistleblower. yeah, that was the missing piece. oh. ( laughter ) you know who else blows a whistle? referees and lifeguards. if it can't stop james harden from traveling or a five-year-old from taking a dump
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in a pool, how can they stop the president from doing anything? >> trevor: but even the details are damning. a sitting president reached out to a foreign leader possibly holding back aid in exchange for dirt on an opponent. this scandal could be the one that finally sinks trump. >> really? this is the one? this is the scandal? this is the one? all right. not the time he paid hush money to a porn start. remember what happened then? trump got away with it, his lawyer went to jail and now i can't watch porn without thinking of campaign finance law. ( laughter ) or what about the time his son met with russians in trump tower. they investigated that for two years and ended with officer frankenstein being, like, gee, it's not really my department, blah, blah, blah, blah. ( laughter ) do you know how much effort it takes to follow all these scandals? i learned what an emole meant is. i kind of learned how to pronounce emolument. and for what? every one of these scandals was going to be the one and never is.
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in fact, i wouldn't be shocked if this scandal ended in ukraine going to jail and trump becoming president for life. ( laughter ) >> trevor: but ronny, nancy pelosi, today, announced the start of a formal impeachment inquiry. >> oh, a formal impeachment inquiry! oh, why didn't you just say so? who cares! even if the democrats impeach trump, it will just go to mitch mcconnell who is going to hide it in his neck flaps and everyone's going to argue about it and trump will start a fight with mariah carey on twittedder for some reason and then it's 2020 and i've wasted another year and a half of my life again, okay? okay? i can't! i can't go through this again! please! please don't make me! please! please swedish girl, please kill me with the rising tide! kill me now and free me from this hell! ( laughter )
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anyway, to answer your question, there's a good chance trump gets impeached, yes. >> trevor: ronny chieng, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) geico makes it easy to get help when i need it. with licensed agents available 24-7, it's not just easy. it's having-jerome-bettis- on-your-flag-football-team easy. go get 'em, bus! ohhhh! [laughing] c'mon bus, c'mon! hey, wait, wait, wait! hey man, i got your flag! i got your flag, man! i got your flag! it's geico easy. with licensed agents available 24/7. 49 - nothing! woo! try my free chocolate cake with a 10 piece meal.
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[trumpet plays] [gust of wind] [sounds of items hitting phone]
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[trumpet plays] [thud] [spray of sprinklers] ♪ [trumpet plays] [ song: johnny cash, "th♪sthese are my people ♪ ♪ these are the ones ♪ ♪ who will reach for the stars ♪ ♪ these are my people ♪ by the light of the earth, ♪ ♪ you can tell they are ours ♪ ♪ a new step to take ♪ and a new day will break ♪ yes, these are my people ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a democrat serving as governor of the state of california. please welcome governor gavin newsom. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." >> good to be here. >> trevor: what a day to join us. let's jump straight into the news of the day. >> yes, sir. >> trevor: nancy pelosi announcing officially -- officially the inquiry into articles of impeachment. >> god's delays are not god's denials, yes. >> trevor: are you in the camp of finally. >> yes, but also in the camp of ronny. i think he expressed it perfectly. we all kind of walk outo the edge and say this is it, only to be dashed and disappointed. but, look, i feel there's no doubt he will be impeached. ( cheers and applause ) but here's the stubborn question, the question is will he be removed from office, and that's a separate question that mitch mcconnell can answer, and that fundamentally is the question that goes to the expression of frustration that ronny just advanced. >> trevor: wow. impeachment would require, though, two-thirds, and that would require mitch mcconnell to step in.
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do you think america is at a point where partisanship is so intense that they can't see past that, where the republicans go, no, this is our guy regardless of what he's done? >> the only polling that matters as relates to impeachment is where the republican party is. that's all about primary and incumbent. these guys are scared to death. they're only incentivized for bad behavior currently. they will not be incentivized for good behavior unless the polling changes and right now it's overwhelmingly in favor of trump as relates to the base and that's all he cares about is the daniel base. he's not president of the united states. he's president of his base, and that base is getting stronger, but it is small, and i argue, with this impeachment inquiry, it will begin to decline and fall. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: let's talk about the reason you're in town. you are here for the u.n. climate action summit. >> yep. >> trevor: climate change is having its moment right now, you know. it feels like it was a boring topic for a little bit, then it
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got exciting, and now greta has really kicked it into overdrive. california has been engaged in a legal battle with president trump over emissions and vehicles, right? now your argument is you want california to be able to dictate its own emission standards for vehicle manufacturers, which they've agreed on by the way. >> yep. >> trevor: but the trump administration says, no, why are you disagreeing with their deregulation of emissions. >> greta made a profound point. she talks about the notion of fairytale of mon yand economic development -- money and economic development. come to california, we have record surpluses, record unemployment, record g.d.p. growth. we are proving the paradigm of genius of man versu versus it's economic growth and the environment, and california is proving the paradigm at a scale
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no other state in america has proven it. here's the point on the emissions, the game changer as relates to climate change is addressing the issue of transportation. 40% of our emissions in c.o.o. come from the transportation sector. you can't get serious about climate change till you clean up your vehicle fleet. the vehicle manufacturers themselves get where the world is going and get where customers are going and that's towards the electric vehicle. california is the game changer and trump can't stand it. we are winning. we trumped trump. we got four -- ( cheers and applause ) we have four automobile companies basically gave him the middle finger and walked away from his desire to roll back vehicle emissions standards and said, you know what is this thanks a lot. we're with california, we're with the higher standards, the obama era standards. he is beyond frustrated so he's threatening to take aware our waive which are goes back to ronald reagan when it was governor of california. this guy is petulant but also
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losing. california is too big, and we are not a small, isolated state that we can ignore. weir in 60 lawsuits against the trump administration, and we're winning the overwhelming majority. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: you have made a lot of improvements, but of the cities ranked as having the worst pollution, seven of the top ten are still in california. do you think vehicles are enough to get those emissions down and the pollution down? >> we'll never achieve our clean air goals without addressing the issue of emissions. it's the cars that are substantially and stubbornly the issue. we have 627,000 electric vehicles. we want to get to 5 million in the next few years. over half the electric vehicles in the country are in california but we need this waive tore continue that progress. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: i know you've got a lot of things to get to at the u.n. thank you for making time for "the daily show." governor gavin newsom, everybody. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause )
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