tv The Daily Show Comedy Central December 12, 2019 11:00pm-11:35pm PST
with great aplomb. thank you, andy. that's very kind. and i have to say that your leadership-- shut it. shut it. that's... [whispers] suck-up. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. and thank you for coming out as always. thank you, thank you. thank you! let's do it, everybody. let's make a show. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is here to talk about her new music which has critics and fans raving, solange knowles is here
everybody. ( cheers and applause ) so excited. also on tonight's episode: santa claus is on the naughty list. why prom-posals are dangerous. and donald trump fights with a child. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with some archaeology news. every year, we learn more about our part as human beings, and a new discovery in indonesia might mean that our past is much older than we thought. >> archaeologists are amazed and excited by the discovery of prehistoric cave art recently found in indonesia. >> cave art being studied by griffith university academics adam brumm and max aubert could be the oldest ever discovered. >> it shows this incredible hunting scene, which might have spiritual connotations. >> the big concern now is the sulawesi artwork could vanish. >> it's a real tragedy. this image is peeling away off the wall, essentially. it's flaking off. it could be gone within our own lifetime. >> trevor: uh, so, stop touching it. ( laughter )
this art lasted 44,000 years, and then these guys show up like, "now it's in danger. look at that. ( laughter ) it's just chipping away. look, when i scratch it, it comes right off. ( laughter ) we've got to do something, mate. bring the sandblaster." ( laughter ) you know what i really love about discovering ancient art in a cave, is that it shows that cavemen were more creative than we think. it also shows that they didn't give a shit about their security deposit. they're like, screw it, we've got no heat, no water, we're drawing on the walls." and i'm always impressed that scientists can date exactly how old these paintings are. it must be a really crazy chemical analysis, or they just saw it in the background of one of bernie sanders' childhood photos. it could be that. it could be that. he could be seven there. let's move on to high school proms. it's that time of year when young people work up the courage to get rejected by someone who didn't even know they exist. and for one young man, his prom proposal took a really unexpected term.
>> a carson city teen regained the full use of his hand, but it came at the expense of another one of his body parts. doctors detached aiden atkins' index toe and used it to recreate a thumb. aiden says he wasn't able to use the thumb he sawed off, all because he couldn't find it. he lost his thumb trying to make his girlfriend an invitation to prom. aiden says the accident happened so fast, that he didn't have time to react. he says he's thankful it wasn't much worse. >> god has a plan for everything. he-- he does it for a reason. there's a story for everybody, and i believe that this is my story. >> trevor: wow. yo, man, kudos to that guy. that is an amazing story. like, i'm glad the doctors were able to give him his hand back and i'm genuinely impressed by his great attitude. he had to replace his thumb with a toe but he's still like, "life goes on. i get a pimple on my forehead and i'm like, "i'm gonna die! don't look at me." ( laughter )
and, guys, you have to admit, science is amazing, because i didn't know doctors could put your toe on your hand and it would work as a finger. because that basically means that our toes are replacement fingers, right? ( laughter ) yeah, you know what it's like, it's like when a shirt comes with extra buttons sewn in. ( laughter ) that's what god designed. if we lose a finger, we can be like, "oh, well, seven more to go." and in some ways, it might be better having some of your fingers be toes, you know. now you can get a mani-pedi at the same time. ( laughter ) and, by the way, what an upgrade for that toe. can we admit that? yes? i bet all the other toes must have thrown a huge going-away party. "did you hear, middle toe is moving up to the big time. he's going to be a finger! yeah! don't forget us when you're holding things. don't forget us." he's like, "i'll come back, guys. i'll help you clip your nails and i'll tell you what the inside of a nose looks like. yay!" i actually wonder if this works for other parts of the body, because i'm fascinated now.
like, can you use a leg as an arm, or you can use a knee as a shoulder? i mean, it must be possible to swap parts because donald trump uses a vagina as a neck. just like "sometimes i grab me by the pussy." and finally, christmas is just around the corner, and, apparently, for parents there's a fun new holiday tradition. >> have you ever had your kids pose for pictures on santa's lap? smiles all around, right? didn't think so. mark strassmann met a photographer in atlanta who embraces the holly and the not so jolly. >> reporter: this is photographer jeff rothman's studio. in here, a white christmas often turns blue. >> we have parents come in here hoping their kids will cry, and they leave disappointed if their kids don't. >>un, everybody, run, run! ( screaming ). >> reporter: rothman was floored parents wanted their kids to cry. he had 7,000 photo shoots available over six weeks. they sold out in 10 minutes. >> trevor: okay, that is so
mean. ( laughter ) parents are making their babies cry just so that they can get a cool-looking picture? you know what i hope? i hope those kids get revenge. i hope in 40 years, they drop their parents off at a nursing home and then take pictures of them crying while the jamaican nurse is holding them back. yeah. that's what that should be. just have their parents on the nurse lap, like, just crying, "don't leave me with this lady. i don't even know who she is." they'll be like, "her name's karma, bitch." ( laughter ) she'll be like, "actually, my name is gladys, but you're right, your daddy is a little bitch." ( laughter ) this is a great example of how parents make their kids do things they say they shouldn't do. because parents are always like, "strangers are dangerous, if you ever feel uncomfortable, run away." "i'm uncomfortable now." "shut up, i'm trying to get a photo, jimmy." like this whole practice of sitting on an old man's lap to good night presents is weird to
me. that's why i'm not going to let my kids sit on santa's lap. if my kids want presents they can do it the old-fashioned way-- by fighting to the death on black friday. all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) donald j. trump, 45th president of the united states, and guy who is just as surprised at what he is doing as you are. with the house judiciary committee formally voting on the articles of impeachment, americans are still divided on whether or not donald trump should be impeached. in fact, when asked, 50% of americans said trump should be impeached, and the other 50% used the survey as target practice. but the one thing most people can agree on is that donald trump is an asshole. that's why some people hate him, and that's why some people love him. they're like, "he's breaking all the rules." "he's breaking all the rules!" so let's catch up on the trump family's latest shenanigans in our new segment, "look at these assholes." ( cheers and applause )
the trump family has a long history of being assholes. it all started in 1822, when thaddeus trump parked his horse in a handicapped spot. ( laughter ) but lately, you could say they've been stretching the limits of how big an asshole a person can be, starting with president trump himself, who has apparently had nothing better to do than pick fights with children. >> president donald trump is going after a 16-year-old girl on twitter. climate change activist greta thunberg was named "time's" "person of the year." she's been known to chastise world leaders for not doing enough. trump responded to a tweet congratulating thunberg by saying, "so ridiculous. greta must work on her anger management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie way friend. chill, greta, chill." >> trevor: come on, man! the president of the united states is on twitter bullying a teenaged girl. just try to imagine any other president doing something like this. like, imagine f.d.r. doing a
fireside chat where he just goes in on shirley temple. you know? ( laughter ) it's like, "my fellow, americans, this little girl can't dance for shit. she's got worse moves than i do, and my legs don't work." ( laughter ) also, also, donald trump has no right to tell anybody to chill. he is the least chill human being of all time. like, if there's anyone you wouldn't want on your meditation app, it's this guy. can you imagine him trying. it would be like, "inhale! and exhale! let the air rush into your lungs, like the criminals and rapists swarming across the border coming to take your jobs and kill your parents! in fact, your parents are already dead! namaste." ( applause ) but i've got to admit, i've got to admit, to greta thunberg's credit she took it all in her stride. because after trump tweeted her
to chill, she changed her twitter bio to "a teenager working on her anger management problem currently chilling and watching a good old-fashioned movie with a friend." ( cheers and applause ) and that's-- that's phenomenal from her. and i'm not surprised, you know. she's 16, so she's used to handling temper tantrums from immature boys. i get it. ( laughter ) and it's not just daddy trump who is making headlines right now. because while he's beefing with kids, asshole junior is over here taking shots at even more vulnerable tearings. >> a new report reveals donald trump jr. went on a hunting trip to mongolia last summer and killed an endangered sheep. >> propublica reports the trip was supported by both trump and trump jr. he got special treatment. >> he reportedly shot an endangered argali sheep at night, using a laser sight. >> trevor: who is this guy? he needed to use a laser sight
at night to take down a sheep? ( laughter ) this is an animal so peaceful, literally, just thinking about them makes us fall asleep. and he's coming at them like it's a raid on bin laden. it's a sheep! ( laughter ) an animal so vulnerable it wasn't go outside without wearing a sweater. it's a sheep! you killed a sheep. you basically went hunting in a nursery rhyme. who are you? ( laughter ) and, also what kind of asshole wants to kill an endangered species? like, most of us don't even want to take the last nacho out of the bowl, and don jr. is putting panda bears in a choke hold, go to sleep! go to sleep! now, look, it's obviously not great karma for little bo creep to be killing off a species. you would think maybe the trumps could make things up to the universe with their family charity, except this family is so cartoonishly villainous, they even do charity like assholes.
>> pump will be paying up to $2 million to charities to satisfy his settlement of a new york state lawsuit over his misuse of charitable funds at the trump foundation. >> the president was accused of illegally using money from the trump foundation to help his 2016 campaign. also as a part of that settlement, the president was required to acknowledge his misuse of the funds, his children to undergo training about misusing charity funds, and they must report to the attorney general if they ever create a new charity. >> trevor: yeah, you heard that right-- the president had to pay $2 million because he stole money from his own charity. yeah. he used charity money to make political donations, to settle lawsuits involving his businesses, and he even bought a painting of himself to hang at his own resort. yeah. like, if trump weren't rich, he'd be one of those people who pretend that they're dying just to start a gofundme. he'd be like, "hey, guys, doctor says i have ebola-burculitis of my lorax. and the only thing that can make me better is to own a giant picture of my own dumb face. ( laughter )
now, as you heard, trump doesn't just have to pay $2 million. the court also ordered his three older kids to attend a training session on how to not steal from a charity. ( laughter ) yeah, and you might be wondering what that training would even look like. wonder no more. we got our hands on the video. >> and now the new york state guide to avoiding charity abuse. >> don't steal from a ( bleep ) charity, asshole! >> this has been the new york state guide to avoid charity abuse. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: so informative! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) you have a brother in the second battalion?
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, here at the show, we're always looking at studies to see how they can improve our lives. and lately, there have been several new studies looking at the workplace. so to help us figure on the what these studies mean, we turned to our senior studies correspondent dulce sloan, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> mwah! hello. >> trevor: dulce, thank you so much for joining us and helping us break down these workplace studies.
>> well, i'm perfect for the job because i'm a model employee. >> you're-- you're a model employee? >> i'm glad we agree. >> trevor: all right, let's get into it. the first study says that half of workers have quit a job because of a bad boss. what do you think about that? >> i think this is some soft-ass people. ( laughter ) you're going to quit a job because you don't like your boss? i make my boss quit because of me. ( cheers and applause ) when i worked at best buy, my boss left because i was airbnb'ing his office on weekends. ( laughter ) and who are these people anyway? >> trevor: well, the study actually says one of the highest rates of people quitting is in miami. >> well, of course. it's easy to quit a job in miami. there are beaches and titties on every corner. ( laughter ) that city is not built for working. it's built for twerking, okay. i dare you to try that shit in new york. you don't like your boss yelling at you? well, guess what, your 10 roommates are going to cuss your
ass out because you can't make your rent. >> trevor: dulce, you have 10 roommates? >> man, please, i'm on tv. i've got six. >> trevor: i guess that's better. all right, let's move on, let's move on to this next workplace study. it's really inspiring. it says 90% of employees come into the office, even when they have a cold or the flu. i'm impressed by these people. >> and i hate these people. ( laughter ) because they come into work and they make the rest of us sick! and the worst part is they act like they're not sick. but you know you're sick, jeff, okay? ( laughter ) you went through a box of tissues in an hour. so if you weren't blowing your nose, then i need to see your browser history. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: but-- but-- but dulce, to be fair, i think people are coming in because they want to help get work done. >> oh, please? who are these heros who think the office can't survive without them? keep your coughing ass at home, karen. ain't nobody looking for you.
ain't nobody putting your ass on a milk carton. stay home, you sick bastard. >> trevor: wow. so much anger. let's move on to the final study. you can't get mad at this one. this study has found daydreaming at work can actually make you better at your job. >> yeah, trevor, i'm not surprised by this. i daydream all the time. that's why i'm so god at my job. >> trevor: technically, dulce, those aren't daydreams. i saw you-- you sleep in the break room for, like, three hours. >> look, that's because i was having a crazy dream. okay, what happened is idris elba shows up at my house and tells me he wants to be my baby daddy. ( laughter ) the problem was he had an idris elba top but a unicorn bottom, right. and i'm fine with that because a unicorn idris is better than no idris at all, right? but then meg's boyfriend lamar shows us and says i have to kill idris or the world will blow up. now, usually, lamar is full of shit, but i knew he was telling the truth because he was also my grandma. so, i get my knife and go at unicorn idris, and i'm about to
stab him but then he leans in and gives me the most seductive kiss. >> trevor: and then? >> and then my boss woke me up! ( laughter ) now we both don't know the end, negro. listen. so if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go back into the break room. and i'm going to find out if i get that idris unicorn. ( laughter ) >> trevor: dulce sloan, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) good luck. there's someone in the house. [ screaming ] who would do something like this? [ holiday music playing ] [ bones cracking ] you're all insane. you messed with the wrong sisters.
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♪ ♪ >> trevor: please welcome solange knowles! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you so much for having me. >> trevor: it is such an honor to have you on the show. not just because i'm a big fan of your music, but i'm a fan of how, like, just how you've created your music. you know, like, you're one of the few artists where it feels like you make what you want to make just because you want to make it. it's a riskier choice. it takes, you know, more time. like, what-- where do you think you got that from?" in a world where so many people go what's commercial?
what sells best? you said i'm going to make amazing music and it actually has turned into a commercial hit as well. >> thank you. i think so much of my work is about world-making. i think as a young girl, i felt this sense of absence of home. i started actually dancing for destiny's child when i was 13. >> trevor: wow. >> so a lot of my life, the early years of my life, was spent on tour buses and venues and airports, and even paying attention to sort of the architectural language of these spaces. these spaces became my home. so a lot of my work is really about creating universes, you know. i'm trying to create cities on stage. i'm trying to leave behind worlds for young black girls really to discover 10 and 20 years from now. and i think a lot of the courage just comes from seeing and creating work that i wanted to see when i was a young girl. >> trevor: it's interesting that you say your music has been touched by the life that you've lived and where you lived it. because, you know, this album in particular, "when i get home," is beautiful when you listen to
it, but i truly appreciate that you've created the short film that goes with it, because it's very rare that you get a visual representation of what your mind couldn't even comprehend. >> yeah. >> trevor: it feels like it's architecture, while at the same time being about choreography. it feels like it's modern art, while at the same time being about, like, houston chopped and screwed. it's a combination of all musics in a space. i mean, you see, like, imagery of cowboys, but at the same time in, like, a fine art space. how did you choose that style, and how did you choose to signify this album in that way. >> so when i was about 10 years old, i went to this church camp, and there was a woman who came the last day of the church camp, and she came over and started praying over all these young girls. and they started hollering and hooting and speaking in tongues and shouting. and i was looking at her like, "don't come over here with all of that. stay away from me with that shit." ( laughter ) but she came over to me, and i
sort of surrendered to this supernatural. and so from that period on, i really actually developed a fear of power and feeling powerless, and not feeling in control of my body. >> trevor: wow. >> and so going back home to houston was really me reclaiming that. and the black cowboys and their stories and reclaiming their stories. i did a fashion campaign, and i remember it was supposed to be about americana and american western culture. and it was all white men. and i was like, that don't look like the cowboys that i grew up seeing. >> trevor: right, right. >> like my uncles and the thousands of men who get on horses from houston to louisiana and do trail rides. and saying through this film that our black stories are art, our everyday notions are art, the way we move and the way we speak, and just elevating the experience. and i don't know.
i just feel like when i think about creating these landscapes that i want to leave behind and reimagining what the coliseum could look like in 20 years with these bodies and these faces and these stories and these celebrations, that's what i'm trying to achieve. >> trevor: one thing you are really proud to speak on, being a part of with who you are today say black woman. yes. >> and in your music it is about how you speak and it resonates with so many black women in a uniquely new way. it was intentional, and you really drive it as a purpose in the album. why did you feel you needed to do it that explicitly. some people would be like, i'm going to bury the message." this is truly celebrating me as a black woman. why? >> i grew up in a hair salon. i grew up with every type of black woman from lawyers to doctors to teachers to the everyday black woman to the side chick to-- you know, you name
it. and these women were my aunties. they were my teachers. they were my reflection of everything i wanted to be as a woman. these women cared for me. they nurtured me. they unapologetically were themselves. and they were my heroes. and so i was really fortunate to be raised by a tribe of of beautiful, strong, phenomenal women. and everything that i do, i try to center myself and my purpose in the things that i needed to see and be fed as a young girl. >> trevor: right. >> and so all of my work, really-- you know, i'm making for 10, 15 years from now, and and the way salease sort you know, really opened my eyes in her artistry 10, 15 years later. now you have girls on instagram, on the internet paying homage, when maybe they didn't fully understand at the time. >> trevor: right. >> but, you know, i am a black woman, so the work will always be through the lens of a black woman.
>> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. thank you again for tuning in. don't forget this weekend my "loud and clear" comedy tour will be in tacoma washington, and portland oregon. if i don't see you there, i'll see you back here on monday. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> boris johnson today was pursued somewhat live on brexit television here by a journalist seeking an interview. and boris johnson entered an industrial-sized refrigerator to avoid that encounter.
it's being interpreted by his critics as "boris johnson hides in fridge to avoid interview." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central (applause) and now david spade! (cheers and applause). >> spade: hey, hey, timmy, hi. welcome. sorry it took so long. we got out here though. on the show tonight we have sarah, tim, nate. (applause) some of them look familiar. researchers say, i don't know if you heard about this, a third of married couples with guilty of financial indid did-- infidelity by hiding self-indulgent purchases from their spo
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