tv The Daily Show Comedy Central December 16, 2019 11:00pm-11:35pm PST
oh, hey, what is this? (pam) hilary swank. oh, she's hot. yeah! damn it. >> trevor: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in and thank you for coming out. thank you so much for coming out, everybody! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is on the hit tv show "billions" and now, got a brand-new standup comedy commercial on h.b.o. dap dan going to be going us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) and tonight's episode, the
british election is coming for america. penises are washington to the beach and jordan klepper is back at a trump rally to finger the pulse. let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪ let's kick it off with some exciting news from the world of black girl magic. >> history being made after new miss world crowned over the weekend. >> miss world 2019 is -- ( cheering ) -- jamaica! ( cheers and applause ) >> the top honor of the miss world contest saturday, her win means five black women own the world pageant titles. that is an historic first. >> trevor: wow! ( cheers and applause ) that is so amazing. five black women all wearing crowns. six women if you count meghan
markel, #women! i'm particularly excited because miss universe is from south africa, which is great, because i'm south african, so that technically means i'm in line for the thrown. that's what i mean. if she quits, i get to be in charge of the universe, that's how the whole thing works. ( laughter ) i love how in pageants the contestant stands next to each other and you have to be happy with the person who beat you. i think that's how they should announce the winner of the presidential elections from now on. you should have both of them on stage at the same time, then steve harvey gives the results and they have to be happy. oh, my god, bernie, congrats, you're so beautiful. and bernie said, i'm sharing my crown with all the other contestants! ( laughter ) >> trevor: hallmark releases its christmas movie lineup as a reminder that the hallmark channel exists. this year, they've decided to
release some controversy. >> this morning hallmark reversing course and apologizing after a decision to pull a wedding ad to feature a gay couple kissing. >> do you think we could have made planning your wedding easier? >> we do. >> this came after the group "one million moms" petitioned hallmark for airing shows with same-sex couples. then calls for a boycott. overnight, hallmark backing away from the decision pol apologizin a statement saying, in part, this is this was the wrong decision. >> trevor: in 2019, the conservative group complained because of an ad that showed two women kissing? what are you getting mad for? they're kissing at their wedding. the last time they'll ever kiss. relax. ( laughter ) first hallmark apologized for
the conservative group, then pulling ads. now they're in trouble for everybody. their new cards, i'm sorry for saying sorry to the person i wasn't supposed to say sorry to. ( laughter ) hallmark is an aisle in cvs. you don't see a toilet paper channel. baby ar i love you, but right now i just gotta take a dump. ( laughter ) let's move on. if you go to the beach, what's the one thing you're terrified of? it's probably seeing an old man naked, right? well, take away the old man but now leave the penis. >> phallic fish have been found by the thousands in california. the name is as weird as their image. at first it seems like a cargo ship of sausages was kicked over or something. >> trevor: well, well, well!
looks like the little mermaid had quite the bachelorette party! ( laughter ) for real, though! it's like the ocean sending us dickpics. what is that? i didn't know that there were penis fish. i don't know about you. although now i finally understand why rose pushed jack after the door in the titanic. you know what? i'll be fine on my own, just go, just go, just go! actually it turns out the real name is the inkeeper worm. i just have to say kudos to the scientists who came up with that name because it takes a lot of maturity to look at that and be, like, what should we call it? um -- inkeeper worm? yeah, yeah, inkeeper, that's the first thing i thought of. ( laughter ) speaking of dicks, a football game this weekend took a wrong turn. >> u.s. military officials are investigating a troubling incident from yesterday's army-navy football game after
military students in the fans flashed what appeared to be symbols of hate. >> birching at you might have missed it. military students yesterday caught on espn flashing hand signals that lately have become hate signals. not once or twice but three times sparking outrage on social media. this symbol commonly understood to mea to mean ok was appropriad by far right groups. they use it to make it ambiguous making it hard to understand to know whether the students knew what they were dining doing. >> trevor: either the kids are pulling a racist sign or trying to tell the cameraman they're doing fine. who knows. a few years ago, some alt right trolls were turning this sign
into white power. no, i'm doing the ok sign. guys, we know what you're doing. it's like this or. this you near to okay. what is this? what is this? can you imagine if hitler tried that while the allies were rolling in? i told you it was a nazi thing and you fell for it! what a funny joke! can i go home now? ya! these trolls chose the okay symbol to mine white power. they could have appropriated anything. they could have been, like, go back to africa. it's that way. but here's the thing, here's the thing these white supremacists don't realize, the same way they took the okay sign and changed its meaning. other people can take that sign and turn it into something else, which is exactly what we did. >> for too long, we have hidden in our shame, afraid of who we are. but no longer.
now we are men who are proud to say, yes, we have a weak penis, and with this hand sign that means weak penis, we are launching a weak penis movements to raise awareness all of us have a weak penis. so if you're suffering from weak penis, use the weak penis sign and let the world know we stand firmly together. well, not firmly, but you get the idea. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: all right, let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) the british general election. last week british voters went to follows for the first time in five years to cast their vote on who should rule the nation. turns out someone even more popular than the hot priest flea bag. >> worries johnson the outspoken british prime minister this morning enjoying a stunning reelection victory delivering the largest conservative body
landslide since margaret thatcher in 1987. it was the brexit election, a bitter angry campaign. johnson winning over working class voters in former industrial heartland, promising to break print's brexit. >> trevor: going through the wall like a british kool-aid man. would you care for a spot of juice inside my belly? aaahhh! on a pro brexit platform, boris johnson has been easily reelected as prime minister and, by the way, i can never get over the way how the prime minister's how us is just, like, on the street. the queen lives in a palace where they perform the nutcracker every 30 minutes, but the person who actually runs the country looks like he just found out he got the job in the last minute and grabbed an airbnb. ( laughter ) it's widely expected that brexit
will finally move forward. in the meantime, people are saying this election in the u.k. could have big implications rights here in the united states. >> you have to go back to thatcher in the 1980s for such a political earthquake transforming britain, shake europe and perhaps, perhaps providing lessons for the general election in 2020. >> two of president trump's more moderate potential challengers appeared concerned. joe biden said look what happens when the labor party moves so, so far to the left. >> and president trump noted johnson's win with populist appeal could mean good things for him in 2020. >> i want to congratulate boris johnson on a terrific victory. i think that might be a harbinger of what's to come in our country. >> trevor: oooh, did trump just say harbinger? ( laughter ) somebody got a word of the day calendar! what a crazy day! first kumail gets a stack and
now donald is using big words, monday motivation! i love it! the big question is, should the major defeat for liberals in the u.k. the warning sign for democrats in the american election. to debate, we are joined by our expert panel ronny chieng, desi lydic, jaboukie young-white and michael kosta, everybody! ronny, what does print's election mean for america in 2020? >> what does it mean? i'll tell you what it means, trevor. nothing. this is britain's election, not america's election. okay? why does america make everything about america? the two things have nothing to do with each other. i mean, like my neighbors get a divorce. does that mean i'm going to get a divorce? no it just means he found out he was banging his wife. stop reading too much into it. >> trevor: desi, would you agree? >> my dumbass friend ronny is too much of a dumbass to get it.
less torecally when britain does something, america follows. through think about it, they made the office, then we made the office. they spoke american, now we speak american. they deported piers morgan, then we deportedpiece morgan. don't be surprise if america followed britain's lead in 2020. >> trevor: thank you, desi. jaboukie, as oh our social media expert, how do you read this? if you look at twitter, seems like boris johnson was going to lose. are you surprised? >> no, trevor, i'm not surprised. everything on social media is a lie. there are people who will retweet you, d.m. you, ask to meet you at bar and you're, like,ia yeah. and then you meet them in real life at a well lit pub and it's, like, he's disgusting, maybe an it orb even a seven. this is all hypothetical. >> trevor: what do dates have to do with the election. >> i'm sorry. did you hear what i said?
a seven! out of ten! >> trevor: trevor. >> may i kosta-splain something to you. >> trevor: go ahead, michael. >> i respect everyone on this panel but i'm the only one who earned a degree online in 30 minutes, poly-sci. this was all about brexit. the key to winning any election, brexit. if you want to be president of the united states, you have to be promising to get america out of the european union, we have to get out of europe! >> trevor: but, michael kosta, america is not in europe. >> sounds like somebody is running for president. >> trevor: we're out of time. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) manolo! it's so cold, come in!
"the daily show." the presidential elections are officially less than a year away, which means the candidates are going to be hitting the road harder than ever. so we thought wouldn't it be cool if "the daily show" hit the road harder than ever? and who better to hit the road than a man with no fixed address. that's right, jordan klepper is back on the show and he's here
to finger the pulse. >> four years ago, i hit the streets to get the unfiltered truth from america's most gauged voters. >> trump that bitch! >> we don't even see the irony of it. now we're heading into an historic election and i'm excited to get out into america and embed myself in the middle of the campaign trail. first stop, rain soaked hershey, pennsylvania. even mother nature couldn't dampen our spirits. it's eight ours before donald trump arrives and it's raining and people are here. good to see you again. guys excited? >> running for congress in 2020, baby. >> you're running for congress? >> i am. >> i bet you are, good luck! anybody can do it. friendly faces, doris, carol. nice to be out there amongst my people once more. hi guys! there we go again! ♪ ♪
>> since my last trump rally, there have been roughly 37 marvel movies and one very combative impeachment trial, but what else has changed. what's new this season? >> everything, honestly. we have the yoda shirt: >> do you have any trump yadz? >> no. >> anything that says alt and at women? what are you hoping for? >> i hope donald trump is in a good place of mind. i hope he talks immigration. >> you're hoping for a wall? >> i am. >> who's going to pay for it? >> either taxpayer money. >> that's what we're going to find out about. >> yep. >> why are you here? >> because two weeks ago i had a dream and in that dream i was given this. >> you had a print b dream
telling you trump was going to win and then ivanka, don, jr., eric, tiffany and barron. great. but barron only serves one term. >> no, two terms. >> no that's one term. this is four years. >> no, you're not reading it right. >> '24 to '28. four years. >> and then another four. >> ivanka one term, don, jr. one term. >> what's the date? >> ivanka 2024. >> and. >> 2028. >> see. >> that's four years! it doesn't say anything about reelected. >> it has her getting reelected in 2024 and 2028. >> your math is wrong. >> no, it's not. >> this is an opportunity for trump support torse clarify your message. joe biden.
>> pete buttigieg. ( laughter ) >> what's the punch line. >> oooh, man, hard to be politically correct here. >> when i said buttigieg,. >> pete bud. >> that's two words. >> i can't say it. >> what sit. >> pete butplug. >> there was one thing hanging over this. >> what do you think about the impeachment. >> bullshit. >> why? >> because he didn't do anything. >> bullshit. total nonsense. >> and trump is asking supporters to push back on impeachment talk with this demand. >> treed the transcript. read the transcript. it's all about the transcript. >> right. >> have you read the transcript. >> i have not read it.
>> we should. >> look at the transcript. >> have you read the transcript? >> i trust the word of our president. >> read the transcript, right? >> absolutely. >> did you read the transcript. >> i -- i -- i mean, i've read most of it but -- >> you didn't read the transcript. >> i don't have time for reading all of the impeachment, and all that bullshit. >> how long have you been waiting here for donald trump? >> since 8:00. >> hours. a lot of free time. >> read the transcript. >> did you read the transcript? >> i don't have to. i can read it if i need to. >> but it's important everybody reads it. >> important. pay attention and speak for yourself. >> to be clear, you have not read it. >> i have not. >> but you should. >> don't be a sheep, think for yourself. >> to be very clear, you have not read it. >> no. >> you trusted someone else. >> yes. >> don't be a sheep.
>> do your own research. >> right, don't be a sheep. it was a message these people who were being herded through gates and corralled into pence to be guard over by men on horses knew all too well, these totally not sheep are ready for eleven more months of this, whatever this is, and so am i. campaign 2020, here we go again. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: jordan klepper, everyone. if you liked that, good news, jordan klepper is going to be back on the show and on the campaign trail for the next elevenments or until trump cans also the selection, whichever is first. we'll be right back! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
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that will makeout washington insiders very uncomfortable: term limits. you and i both know we need term limits, that congress shouldn't be a lifetime appointment. but members of congress, and the corporations who've bought our democracy hate term limits. too bad. i'm tom steyer and i approve this message because the only way we get universal healthcare, address climate change and make our economy more fair is to change business as usual in washington. ♪ fast paced hip hop song playing ♪ rougout ♪ ♪ ♪
we ordered 10,000 units. that sounds good. pretty cool, huh? they're speaking to mom in japanese, and mom hears them in english. ♪ can you understand me? yes, i can understand you. okay. i have a lot of questions. how do you guys fly? what does santa do in the summer? is mrs. claus a good cook? do you guys get presents? can you roller skate or ice skate?
to compete for the chance of a new life. you should be on the world stage. yes. let's dance. i'm a magic cat. you can do it. here we go, ha, ha! now for the icing on the cake. ahhh oooh huh!!!! do you think he just got neutered? cause those notes are like, ha! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor and comedian, you know him from the show "time" series "billions" and he's got a new hobb comedy special called "son of a gary." >> loved action figures. loved action figures. till i was 12. pretty old. ( laughter ) kind of old to play with boy dolls. ( laughter ) also at 12 years old, because
i'm 20% white trash, i started smoking cigarettes. do you know how hilarious of an overlap that is? ( laughter ) i would play with my g.i. joes in earnest for 30 minutes, and then go outside and fire up a marlboro red and -- ( sucking and bring ) >> i think cobra's got the high ground. >> trevor: please welcome dan soder! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ed. >> hey! >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me, trevor. >> trevor: what a crazy journey this has been, not just for you but me as well. a lot of people wouldn't know this about us unless i told them but, like, when i started doing comedy in america, one of the first places i started was the comedy cellar. we were there almost every single night working jokes and
now you're on show "time," a hit series, a full-time regular and an h.b.o. congrats. >> yes, thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) learn to black mail people. learn to black mail people and you will get all the jobs you want! ( laughter ) >> trevor: let me ask you this -- a lot of people love your special because, like, here's one thing i've liked about you, i've always loved you are what some people would say an edgy comic but you're not trying. some comics are, like, i'm trying to make you hate me and say something edgy. this is who you are, growing up, smoking as a kid, saying you are white trash. a lot of people wouldn't say that. >> i think a people should cop it to more and you would understand where they're coming from. i love fritos original. i love a nice old bag of fritos scoops. ( laughter ) you put out a special this year, i put out a special. the titles so similar yet completely different in meaning. >> i saw that.
minimum mine is "son of patricia" named after my mom, but yours is called "son of a gary." >> that "a" is the biggest difference in the world. "son of patricia," almost, a lovely homage to your brother. almost like a "game of thrones" title. mine is "son of a gary," it's, like, i'm here even though i had a real awful father. you old son of a gary! it's a nice way. there are dudes out there that are dicks that need credits, do so my dad. >> trevor: you don't seem to take online seriously. you're not online anymore. >> it's the best. i'm living in 2007, baby! ( laughter ) >> trevor: did you delete your things or -- because sometimes i will see a post about what you're doing. where you will perform at a club, at a show. but then i don't see you, like, commenting anymore.
>> i'm off it. i'm off it. i took twitter off my phone in october of 2018, and it was the greatest thing i ever did in my life, and i recently took instagram off. by the way, these companies are, like, don't listen to this man, do not listen to this man! it started making me feel like motion sick, but -- while i was standing still. >> trevor: right. >> i would have these incredible experiences that would be ruined. like my girlfriend and i would be at this awesome thing and look down, dan soder never made me laugh! i want to fight you! i'm not enjoying the thing because i'm looking at trent in iowa who has a bulldog for he's profile picture and i'm, like, why do you hate me? is! it was ruining so much stuff. once i took it off, i check at home or on my computer or i'll download instagram, upload something, then delete it off my phone. you know what i'm doing now? checking my e-mails a lot. >> trevor: so that's where i need to send the hate. >> i'm a nerd, yeah.
send it on! >> trevor: dear dad, you've never made me laugh! >> t.noah is her assistant, hot mail? >> trevor: off camera, on camera, you are one to have the funniest humans i know. >> trevor, thank you so much. >> trevor: "son of a gary" is currently available on h.b.o. go and h.b.o. now. check it out, everybody! dan soder! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. we'll be back again tomorrow. please join us again. now here it is. your moment of zen. >> first of all, big congratulations to boris johnson. that's the most important thing of all, winning the trust of people who have put their trust
in us many for the first time and boirs will have my full support when he does that. >> i don't know why he's talking to a tree. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ and now david spade! (cheers and applause). >> spade: sthaw guys, have a seat, thank you. thanks. >> you're clean. >> spade: i can get on the flight now. welcome everybody, in tonight's show we have lauren, pete, moshe.