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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  January 6, 2020 11:00pm-11:36pm PST

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dang it. you win. how good did that feel? that felt really good, actually. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! we're back! 2020! we're back! you gam came back! we came back! let's make a show. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is a california congresswoman and the head of the congressional black
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caucus. representative karen bass is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, chocolate is now controlled by the cartel. secret techniques to get back into work. and donald trump starts 2020 with a bang. so let's catch up on today's headlines. it's the first monday of the new year, which means everybody is officially back at work today, and if you're one of those people who has trouble starting up again after vacation, here's news you can use. >> nearly half of americans dread returning to office after vacation. with the holidays over, here are a few tips to ease yourself back into work. number one, start with small tasks you can accomplish easily. clean a clean desk to stay focused. don't forget to take breaks to take energy and productivity levels high. take breaks with co-workers with coffee and brainstorm. working on tasks you care about will help you get excited about
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going back to work overall. >> trevor: is it just me or are those just tips to do what already happens at work. accomplish tasks, take breaks, talk to co-workers. that's work. who came up with that list? that's working! it's like the relaxation guys are, like, step one, breathe in, breathe out. what else was i going to do? breathe in, breathe in? that's called living. these tips don't apply to most jobs. brainstorm? what the you work at quiznos? i was thinking, we put the bread on the inside! ( laughter ) basically, if you have a job where you need tips for easing yourself back into work you have an easy job. no one shows up to a coal mine saying, guys, i'm trials this as more of a me day. you don't have scientists having researchers telling you to go back to work. we need researchers saying how
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brad pitt looks so good! how are you so sexy, brad pitt?! look at him. ( laughter ) moving on, people who don't want to go to work to one guy that does. venezuela is a country in chaos. the economy crashed. people can't afford food and two men claim to be the leader. president nicolas maduro and juan guaido. over the weekend an awkward moment where guaido showed up at the office and maduro changed the locks. >> security forces blocked opposition leader juan guaido from presiding over a special session of congress to elect a leader. at one point yesterday guaido tried to climb a fence but was prevented from entering. he has been recognized as the head of the nation by nations including u.s.
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maduro is trying to oust guaido. >> trevor: like southern ninja warrior! politicians are trying to climb over the fence just to vote. that would never happen in america. can you imagine mitch mcconnell climbing a fence to try to get into congress? although he probably wouldn't climb, he would probably just try to ooze through the bars. he would be, like, mrrrr, i'm mostly skin, mrrrr! ( laughter ) i'm impressed by guaido, because no vote would be important enough tore me to jump a fence with smart points on top. is this a vote to replace my testicles for free? then no, i'll wait. i wonder if there was a politician in the building that said i wonder which way guaido will vote because he seems to be on the fence! get it? just me? okay. ( applause ) and then finally, if you love chocolate, first of all, congratulations on being basic, and, second, prepare to pay up.
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>> the top two cocoa producers in the world -- this is front page news in the "wall street journal" -- have decided to join forces and form a cocoa cartel, ivory coast and ghana, combined, produce about two-thirds of the world's cocoa supply and they are banding together to raise prices. you can expect the price of candy bars, ice cream and cake to go up about 16%. cream yum cocoa prices are expected to take place in october. you think of chocolate and you think of willie wompgy and everyone is having fun. >> in the golden ticket, yes. >> trevor: this is big. two to have the biggest cocoa producers teamed up to form the cocoa cartel. which is my stripper name. ( laughter ) tickets available next tuesday. i need you to hum britney spears while i dance. ( laughter ) for real, it's a cocoa cartel. sounds like a lot of fun.
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i'm imagining cocoa dealers opening briefcases of cocoa powder. this better be pure. mmm! mr. tabalarone will be very pleased. ( laughter ) it's funny how the news anchor said when most people think of chocolate they think of willie wonky. who thinks that? you realize africa makes 75% of the world's cocoa. if charlie got a golden ticket they would ship him to ghana to meet the real willie wonky. ( cheers and applause ) that movie would be completely different if it was real life. charlie would be there in the factory. willie wonky would be, like, look at me, charlie, you are the captain now, okay? that kid didn't have to buy, charlie. you are the best. if anyone comes, tell them you are running everything here. all right? moving on to the top story. ( cheers and applause ) it is officially 2020.
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new decade, new year, new goals. now, personally, i didn't make a new year's resolution this year. i was going to go on an all-vegan diet but my friend told me it's legal to eat vegans. but there is someone who made a new year's resolution, the 45th president of the united states donald trump. >> the president has indeed repeatedly called for ending costly foreign wars. >> he said so as recently as new year's eve, specifically referring to iran. >> i want to have peace. i like peace. >> trevor: okay. clearly, trump ran beauty pageants for so long he started to answer questions like he's in one. i want world peace. i like peace. and now for my talent, i will burp the alphabet. ( laughter ) on december 31, donald trump said his dream was for peace. specifically in the middle east, and then, on january 2, he did this. >> this is cnn breaking news.
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>> breaking news. tonight is huge. a rocket attack on the baghdad airport kills iran's most revered military leader and a senior official in iraq's paramilitary forces. now, the pentagon announced tonight that the attack was a u.s. airstrike. >> trevor: sweet jesus! donald trump ordered the killing of iran's top general. what happened to peace? when most people break resolutions they eat ice cream instead of working out. this guy rained fire down on these mother (~bleep ) and ate ice cream while doing it. that's a real thing. he ate ace cream while it was happening. mmm! ( laughter ) despite all the tweeting about soleimani, the truth is iran's top general was far from the top name. most people know ayatollah and the iron sheik. but general soleimani was as big as it gets. >> qasem soleimani was no ordinary general.
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the u.s. officially classified him as a terrorist, but in iran he was a national hero. >> this morning the entire region on edge. iran vowing retaliation amid fears the two nations are on the brink of an all-out war. ( singing ) >> funeral processions unlike anything seen in decades are continuing this morning. president trump and iran are also dangerously trading very serious threats of war. a commander of iran's revolutionary guard said his country has 35 u.s. targets in its crosshairs ready to pull the trigger. president trump tweeted over the weekend the u.s. has 52 targets identified including cultural sites in iran. >> trevor: you have to admit this is wild. trump kills iran's top general and then, when iran threatens to retaliate, trump says, you better not or i'll destroy your culture. what's next? will he send a text, you think i'm crazy? well, i'm loco, sa.
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( laughter ) destroying cultural sites is probably a war crime, you can't do that. according to geneva convention, in war the things you destroy are supposed to be for the purpose of the war not just to be dicks. secondly, there's no way trump knows anything about iranian cultural sites. if iranians are smart they will use this to get trump to destroy things they don't want. don't destroy the karaoke bar next to my house that stays open till 3:00 a.m.! don't do it, donald! ( laughter ) the united states and iran are on the brink of war but the killing of iran's general has a ripple effect across the entire middle east. >> the death of qasem soleimani in baghdad ignited a region of military tensions. they're preparing for possible retaliation and are on high alert, so are american forces with 9,000 in the region and 3,000 extra preparing to deploy.
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>> the state department issued an urgent warning overnight telling all americans in iraq to leave the country middle east. >> the pentagon announced the u.s. paused efforts in the fight against i.s.i.s. due to a need to protect u.s. troops in the region. >> iraq's parliament voted to kick out the 5,000 u.s. troops in the country. president trump fired back telling reporters if iraq does force u.s. troops to leave, he'll make iraq pay for money the united states spent in iraq to build an exefntion air base. we're not leaving unless they pay us back for it, he said. >> trevor: okay, guys, i don't know, but i think it's safe to say this thing is not going according to plan. you realize now america is send morgue troops to the middle east. also how is trump going to flat-out refuse to leave someone else's country? he would be the worst airbnb tenant of all time. writing a review, i burned myself cooking meth in your kitchen so i'm not leaving you until you give me my money back!
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( laughter ) now, you might be wondering, how could this well-thought-out plan to assassinate an iranian general turn out so chaotically? maybe the plan wasn't so well thought out after all. >> off the president saw the protests at the u.s. embassy in baghdad and blamed iran, aides presented the president with a variety of options. >> top american military officials put the option of killing him on the menu they presented to president trump. >> military leaders were stunned when president trump decided to kill soleimani. top brass viewing his death as the most extreme option they presented to the president. >> trevor: okay, now, i know this might not be a popular opinion, but this is where i don't blame trump. pentagon officials gave trump a help you of options, but then they were shocked when he chose the most extreme one? ( laughter ) get the (~bleep ) out of here, man! have you seen trump's apartment? what part of his life makes you think he's ever going to pick
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middle of the road options? if you don't want trump to pick something, why do you give him the option in the first place? donald trump will always pick the most extreme option on the menu, whether military strike or k.f.c. he will pick the most extreme thing. yes, i'll have the meet lovers explosion with ranch dressing. >> that's a publicity opportunity, mr. trump. he's like that sounds like a you problem, and no lettuce. ( laughter ) now because of trump's extreme decision the world is in a state of panic. nobody knows what's going to happen next. nobody. we could be on the brink of war, worlworld war iii or the whole g could fizzle out like the beef between nick canon and eminem. jared kushner actually brokered the peace deal. he does stuff. we don't know what's going to happen, but the question on everyone's mind is why would donald trump even bring everybody to this point?
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why do something so risky? why now? nobody knows. if only there was a wise man, some wise man in 2011 who could have predicted why this would be happening today. >> our president will start a war with iran because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate. he's weak and ineffective so the only way he figures he's going to get reelected and, as sure as you're sitting there, is to start a war with iran, i believe that he will attack iran only sometime prior to the election because he thinks that's the only way he can get elected. isn't it pathetic. >> trevor: he's right. ( cheers and applause ) he definitely is. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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you leave it to me. i'll get your taxes in an ok place. what? just as soon as my audit's over, this gets my undivided attention. you take a lot of trips to the caymans, phil? pretty great, right? oh phil's legally dead. fell off a boat. going by denis now. celery. long story. what do we got here. oh. not going to want to see this. i don't think this is going to work. just ok is not ok. at&t has america's best network, now with our best plans, at our best prices, starting at $35 a line for 4 lines. new from at&t
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just get one of me looking off. how is she there and we're here?
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condoms. true. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded. ♪ you can talk to animals? yes. i'm too beautiful to die. [ chuckle ] do you understand the words coming out of my bill? [ quacking ] stand back everyone. while i secure the perimeter. [ squeaking ] hello barry. hello lunch. [ roar ] give up dolittle. you can't outsmart... oh, oh what's that? -a cat is still a cat. i wrote this a long time ago. i don't know how old i was. i hope someday i will be on a real football team.
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i'm katie sowers, offensive assistant coach for the san francisco 49ers. i'm not just here to be the token female, i'm here to help us win. the surface pro helps me get what's in my head and get it out on to the field. i would want to tell this little girl to keep pushing herself, your dream's coming. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." as tensions rise between america and iran, there is a lot of so-called experts trying to make sense of this chaotic moment. but if you want a clear, informed analysis, then you have to turn tomorrow liable journalists, "the daily show" news team.
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joining us but satellite, please welcome michael kosta, roy wood, jr. and desi lydic, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) let's start with desi who's actually in iran right now. desi, president trump says he wants peace, yet his attack on general soleimani clearly escalates the likelihood of a conflict. how does that make sense? >> trevor, it makes perfect sense. if you want to reduce tension with a country, you kill their top general and threaten their entire way of life as they know it. boom. situation deescalated. >> trevor: desi, that doesn't make sense. how does it deescalate things? >> all right. it's like if some woman wanted to fight you in a bar, you have to sky calm, pour your drink on that bitch and kiss her husband on the tongue. situation deescalated. >> trevor: i don't think that's right, desi. if someone kissed your husband -- >> who the (~bleep ) kissed my husband? i would hit them back without thinking it over for one second. >> trevor: that's what i'm
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talking about. iran vowed revenge for soleimani. if they retaliate, what happens next? >> we deescalate farther until all life has been deescalated from the planet especially the bitch who kissed my husband. was it carol? >> trevor: let's move on to roy wood, jr. at the white house. roy, please help us understand the timing around the attack because officials are saying soleimani was both a long-term target and also an imminent threat. so why now? >> trevor, you are blind, and not in the cool stevie wonder kind of way. this isn't about iran. this is a classic diversionary tactic where a leader goes to war in order to distract the population from domestic strike because, remember, there's another big problem trump wants everyone to forget about back home. >> trevor: of course, his impeachment. >> no, that movie cats! have you seen this shit? it was an international embarrassment, the likes from
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which this country may never recover! ( laughter ) they all had human hands. tall cats had human hands and some of them cats was sexy. i didn't even want them to be sexy. i got a cat in the house and now i can't look him in the eyes, his paws are so soft. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i don't think cats are such a disaster trump would start a war over it. >> look what they did to my boys idris elba. he was supposed to be the next james bond and now he's wearing a cat coat! >> trevor: michael kosta is in iraq now. michael, this feels reminiscent of the iraq war. going into iran feels like a similar move, bad leadership, no exit strategy. what do you think about a potential war with iran? >> trevor, it's a great idea, and let me tell you about america. americans have great ideas. like, for example, just now, my
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phone charger snapped off into this electrical outlet. you as a south african would probably just buy another phone charger but me as an american, i came up with a great idea. i'm going to get it out with these metal tweezers. >> trevor: michael, that sounds like a bad idea. >> don't tell me what's a bad idea. damn it! aaahhh! trevor, the war with iran couldn't be easier. ( laughter ) we go in, greeted as liberators and we all get free oil for life. ow! >> trevor: kosta, are you sure? the last time we got involved in that region it was one of the greatest mistakes in military history. >> we're a country that learns from its mistakes! >> aaahhh! man! that's hurting! the point is we're not falling into the same trap. we're too smart for that. aaahhh! in a cheesecake factory! >> can i get i back on track?
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>> trevor: yes, thank you so much. lodge,ic, please. >> i think we're missing what's at the heart of the question. real question, who's the bitch that kissed my husband?! >> trevor: we're out of time! desi lydic, roy wood, jr., michael kosta, everybody! we'll be right back! we'll be right back! ( cheers a hashtag vacay. sonoma? i want wine with lunch... it's 11am, cindy. thanks, captain obvious. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded. oh, your she's landed.ed. and she's on her way to our house. what. i thought she was coming next weekend. i got it. alexa. start the coffee. set the temperature to 72. start roomba. we got this... don't look. what? don't look. lets move. ♪ mom. the lexus es, eagerly prepared for the unexpected. lease the 2020 es 350 for $389 a month for 36 months. experience amazing at your lexus dealer.
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(lisa) it's goat h&r block,sparent. you know the price before you begin. it makes things... [thud] ...crystal clear. (lisa vo) upfront transparent pricing. (lisa) sorry trevor. (lisa vo) know the price before you begin. it's better with block. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is serving her firth term in congress. the california democrat is also chair of the congressional black caucus. please welcome representative
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karen bass. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> thank you. thanks for having me. >> trevor: it has been a few years since you have been here and it's safe to say a few things have happened since you have been here. >> yes. >> trevor: life has changed dramatically for congressional black caucus specifically. >> yes. >> trevor: let's talk about the news of the day, iran. >> yes. >> trevor: this is one of the stories where many people are speculating as to what trump's true intentions were. >> right. >> trevor: a lot of people are saying this could be america getting into another war where a president does it on his own with no congressional approval as it's supposed to happen. what do you make of that especially as the trump administration is saying, no, this is linked to 9/11 and everything that happened before, it's not a new war. >> who knows? the problem is the president has lied more than 10,000 times
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since he's been in office, so how can we believe anything that is said from the administration? one minute you say there was an imminent threat but you can't tell anybody what the threat was. you know, they bring month membf congress in for a top secret briefing and don't tell us the goods. they don't even have it planned. we don't know what went on and that's why it's so scary. >> trevor: it is interesting the way america approaches the world and the way the world is approaching america. it's also interesting for the u.s. because impeachment is still a hot topic despite the new year. many people would argue that democrats and nancy pelosi specifically withholding the articles of impeachment from the senate shows that this was a partisan move. why not -- >> oh, yeah. >> trevor: why not send the articles of impeachment through? why not have the process continue, considering that the democrats said this process has to take place as quickly as possible? >> right. i'm sure that we will be sending them over. you remember, we voted on impeachment right before both houses recessed. i'm sure we will do it. but i know that speaker pelosi
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wants there to be a legitimate trial. can you imagine the foreman of a jury going in to the courtroom and telling the judge, hey, judge, i'm meeting with the defendant. we're on the same page. >> trevor: right. >> that's what mitch mcconnell did. i actually think, if they brought some witnesses forward, that some of those senators might develop the courage needed to do what they know is right. >> trevor: i understand. >> you know what they could do? what if they got together and decided to have a secret ballot? if they did a secret ballot, i think trump would be out of there in 24 hours. the reason why the senators know better are going to defend him is because they're afraid he will tweet and have a rally in their district. >> trevor: gearing up for the 2020 election, democrats are in an interesting place where you have more candidates than ever and yet, at the same time, less representation than ever as we look at it now. some are saying that the party doesn't represent its constituents, others are saying that this is just a by-product of the way the race was run. where do you think the
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democratic party stands? is it too many ideas under one tent or do you think people can coalesce blind one idea? >> oh, i think people are so concerned about getting this guy out of u office. i would like it to be before november but it has to be by november, and i believe that we will coalesce, i really do. i think the thing about democrats is we are very diverse. you look at my colleagues on the other side of the aisle, look at it sometimes, they all look the same. ( applause ) >> trevor: but don't you think that makes it easier for them to work as a unit. >> absolutely. >> trevor: because if you look at the republican party, yes, they do look the same, but they also have the same ideas. they're saying this is what we're voting for, we'll vote for trump and as they said in 2016, hold our noses and make the decision. democrats have a purity test or ideologies that are different. alexandria ocasio-cortez said she wouldn't be in the same party as joe biden if there were
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more thanta two-party system. do you believe it would be different if we did? >> i absolutely do. it might not be your favorite choice who wins the nomination but look at what's at risk, the supreme court, all those he appointed to destroy the agencies. so much is at risk. the congressional black caucus, we're bringing leaders together to talk about 2020 is the do or die year. if we get it wrong, we'll screw up this place for the next two generations. you talk about our standing in the world, people laugh at us. i know you know that. i sit on foreign affairs, i go around the world. how can i say anything about corruption in another country? how can i tell an african leader, oh, don't appoint your son. he's got his son, daughter, his whole family there. every time he plays golf, we pay for it. he's made a truck load of money since he's been president. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: it's an exciting
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time especially for you and your job. excited to see what happens. thank you for being on the show. wonderful to see you again. congresswoman karen bass. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ adventure. to reconnect and be together. and once we did that, we realized his greatest adventure is just beginning. (vo) welcome to the most adventurous outback ever. the all-new subaru outback. go where love takes you.
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the children are have yovery special. nanny? may i ask how the parents died? it's not that simple. what happened to your last nanny? oh, like i'd tell. you shouldn't be in here. [ gasp ] bad dreams? [ scream ] [ distant laughter ] sorry if i scared you. [ scream ]
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♪ ♪ well i'm standing here, looking at you, what do i see? ♪ there's a booking for every resolution . book yours at booking.com awwww yeah. there's a booking for every resolution . that's the stuff. no really. those are the actual ingredients. ♪ funky rock track tostitos. [crunch] get to the good stuff. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight! "the daily show" is officially back. we'll see you again tomorrow. but first, here it is... your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ntral (applause) plaws. >> and now david spade (cheers and applause). >> jordan: >> spade: yes, welcome everybody, thanks for coming, we have jen, zainab, josh over here, ready to work. golden globe, you know last night, did you see that beyonce and j zay showed up laid, very, how laid? she was there for the move
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