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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  March 10, 2021 8:30am-9:12am PST

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ng ) mmm! - hi, kids, it's me, trevor noah. listen, i know it's really hard during this pandemic to learn anything from a tv or a computer. heck, it's hard for adults. a lot of them try to learn things online. and the next thing you know, they're storming the capitol. but i wanted to help. so i asked the team here at "the daily show" to help put together a lesson plan for you guys. and not just any lesson, but the lessons you won't learn in school but that you need to know before life teaches them to you the hard way. my friends at the show agreed to help because they're all under contract. so without further ado, please enjoy "the daily show's" special presentation, "remotely educational". ♪♪
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- oh, hey, kids, welcome to geography class. what's the capital of mozambique? i don't know, google that shit. i am going to teach you geography you won't learn in school, but need to know. like today's lesson: who hates who? that's something you've gotta know. if your cab driver is serbian, you can't be talking about that trip you took to croatia. you're gonna get your ass thrown out on the street. so i'ma tell you who hates who around the globe. but i'm not going into why, because i know i'll get one little thing wrong and then both of 'em gonna be mad at me. and i don't want kyrgyzstan in my mentions-- (phone beeping) yeah, there they go already. okay, let's begin. chinese and japanese hate each other. indians and pakistanis can't stand each other. vietnamese and cambodians do not want to be in the same room, at all. turks and armenians hate each other. turks and greeks also hate each other. turks and kurds, they hate each other too.
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honestly, turkey is the nene leakes of europe. they always at the center of some shit. you got the russians and the chechnyans, they always arguing. hungarians and roma, dinka and the nuer, the irish and the british, scots and the british, english and the british-- honestly, that whole island hate itself. ghana and nigeria. now, from what i understand about this beef, this one is mostly about rice. so here's the thing, nigerians think ghanaian rice tastes like concrete, and guineans think nigerian rice is a bigger international crime than their email scams. fortunately, centuries of colonialism have made both countries too poor to afford a nuke, so it don't really matter that much. iranians and the saudis, saudis and the houthis, saudis and the qataris, saudis and the israelis-- although, now they're becoming friends because they both hate the iranians more. in a way, iran is really bringing the middle east together. you've got the sudan and south sudan, north korea and south korea. matter of fact, if there's two countries
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with the same name, they definitely hate each other. and then, of course, you've got the israelis and the palestinia-- (phone beeping) i said i'm not getting into it! god damn. (beep) all right, let's wrap this up. last beef, america and everybody else. yeah, that's right. i'ma give it to you straight, kids. every other country hates us. they all hate us. some of them we invaded, some of them we overthrew, most of them we bombed, some of them we saved from the nazis, so i don't know why they mad. but it is what it is, the game is the game. but that leads me to my tip of the day, kids. if you ever travel abroad, do what i do... pretend you're canadian! hell yeah, you put that maple leaf on your head right there, man, 'cause the here's the thing. if it's one country that nobody hates, it's canada. to be honest, i don't know what that's all "aboot," but i'ma make it work for me. that's it for today, kids.
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see you next time in geography class. eh? - (speaking spanish) - hi, kids, welcome to miss desi's math for real life. calculus is cool and all, but if you're part of the 99% of adults who don't become math teachers, you'll want to learn some math that you won't learn in school. now there are two times normal adults use math: tipping your waiter 20%... - this is only 8%. - ...and buying a home. buying a home is like getting married. it's a huge decision and you're only gonna do it
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one to four times in your life. lucky for you, i'm a licensed real estate agent like one third of adults in america, so i can help you through this big decision. usually to buy a house, you'll need to put 20% of the price as a down payment. so for a $500,000 house, you'll need to have $100,000 in savings. but you only have $3,000. don't worry, we'll figure that out later. let's move on to the fun part... look at all these beautiful houses. - i'm a victorian! - i'm mid-century modern. - and we're twins. - but you can't afford any of these houses. oh wait, but what about that one on the end over there? that looks nice. - i'm only affordable because a murder happened in me and i can't stop thinking about it. my walls will never be clean. - in realtor speak, we call this "character." so let's put an offer in.
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an offer is the price you tell the seller you're willing to pay for the house. let's offer $750k contingent on inspection. i think that's good. ooh, they countered at $2 million, last and final. i know it's more than we talked about but i suggest we take it. there's a saudi shell company right behind you ready to pay all cash. just a quick thing, i'm paid on commission, so it's really important to me that you buy this house, but not really important to me that you can afford it. so you'll accept? congrats, onto step four. once you've signed the initial contract, now it's time to send a forest's worth of paperwork to the bank. they'll need pay stubs, bank statements, w-2s, a credit report, a letter from your employer, and your parents address because somebody's gonna pay for this house! while you fill all that out, let's get the house inspected. hello, mr. wrench, how the house looking? - oh, yeah, it's falling apart. you got black mold, the furnace is shot, and the septic system needs to be replaced. - that's right, the septic system. i bet you didn't know this house has a big tub of shit under it.
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it's right next to the well. once the bank approves your paperwork, you sign the final contracts with the previous owner and the bank and you own the house. (triumphant music) specifically, you own 20% of the house, the rest belongs to the bank-- oh, which reminds me, meet marty the mortgage. - where's my money? you better have it by the first of the month or your ass will be out in the street. i don't give a crap if it's winter. so remember to pay your mortgage and be happy, because you're living the american dream. you own a home! and that's math class. (tape whirring) (distorted music) (narrator) this is a factory. it's where we make the products we use. at the loading dock, raw materials arrive to start the process. inside, workers do specialized jobs on the assembly line. in the office, managers plan
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how to move the whole operation overseas. these talks spill over into steak dinners where difficult choices are made. this is the new, cheaper factory in cambodia. with increased profits, shareholders and executives are able to buy yachts, artwork, narcotics, politicians, and memberships in sadistic sex cults. through this process, america's business leaders keep the country running while turning old factories into loft apartments for their adult children who do filmmaking, photography, and other fake things. this process will be repeated until the system collapses, leaving us scavenging for berries and potable water. and that is how business works.
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four, five, turn, kick. (we got chased by these wild coyotes! they were following her because she had beef jerky in her pocket. (laughing) (trumpet playing)
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someone behind me, come on. pick that up, pick that up, right there, right there. as long as you keep making the internet an amazing place to be, we'll keep bringing you a faster, more secure, and more amazing internet. xfinity. the future of awesome.
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(female narrator) today's show was brought to you by the letters m and k. mkultra was a cia mind control project that illegally experimented on humans to identify substances that could coerce people into making confessions. m-k! ♪♪ ♪♪ - hey, uh, welcome to science class today. today we're gonna talk about animals.
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and i know you kids all like the fancy animals, okay, but stop being so thirsty for hippos, because unless you're a colombian drug lord you're never gonna own one, okay? instead, today, we're gonna talk about the animals you'll actually encounter. the ones that will infest your house, animals like the fruit fly. this is a mild infestation. as far as the insects go, fruit flies are pretty chill. they are like most brooklyn hipsters, very picky eaters, and they have zero upper body strength. also, they do it doggy style. who knew? anyway, getting rid of them is pretty straightforward. just stop leaving piles of rotting fruit lying around, duh! a worst infestation is bedbugs. much like armie hammer, they feed on human blood. getting rid of bedbugs is almost impossible. so if you get them, the best solution is to just leave. walk out of the door, start a new life, like miley cyrus. people think hannah montana was a character, but it was just who she was until she got bedbugs.
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next up, lady bugs or as scientists call them, "women bugs." this is maybe the best infestation you can have. they don't really do anything and for bugs, they look pretty. they're like beetles that just got their nails done. but enough about insects, let's move on to mammals, specifically mice, the freeloader rodents. and to be clear, not all rodents are freeloaders. just look at squirrels. they're like small business owners, hustling out there, renting storage lockers for their nuts. but mice just want your food. now, mice like to come into your home because it's nice and cozy. that's why the best way to deter that is to make your home cold and inhospitable, like a scandinavian's. if you do have mice, you'll know because they take these little shits in your house that look exactly like chocolate tic tacs, but they are not chocolate tic tacs. that's a lesson i learned many, many times. finally, the king of pests: raccoons.
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raccoons evolved millions of years ago when a bear (bleep) a monkey. (chuckles) of course i'm just kidding. science doesn't actually know where they came from. mostly they just go through your garbage looking for food and anything they can sell on ebay. they're how nature recycles. you have to be careful around raccoons. they are one of the primary carriers of rabies, a virus that makes animals act like they're from new jersey. if you see a raccoon foaming at the mouth, do not go near it with a calzone. it will fight you for it. so, yeah, those are all the animals you actually need to know about. i hope you found this educational. now if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna enjoy some of these chocolate tic tacs i just found. oh-- (spits) damnit! okay, well, i'll see you guys next week. mmm, maybe this one? no! no, no. that was poo too. ♪♪
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♪♪ (whistle blowing) - all right, everybody, it's time for gym class. it's also time for sex ed, which is taught by gym teachers for some reason. let's get right into it, shall we? (whistling) sex. (chuckles) these days, the internet is going to give you the wrong idea about sex, that it's fun. well, it's not. when you're single, getting lucky isn't having sex. it's getting a clean blood test six weeks later. and when you're married? (blows raspberry) it's not much better. she's more interested in her hitachi personal massager from brookstone. and you're so desensitized by porn that you can't get things going unless you imagine she's a mermaid but with legs. hey, let's get 20 jumping jacks going, hit me! (blows whistle rhythmically) now, if you're into feet, that's kind of cool because
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you can just go to the beach. ♪♪ ♪♪ - grandpa lew, i'm billy. i'm nine years old, and one day i will be president of the united states. - well, first off, don't call me "grandpa," kid. secondly, no, you're not! you'll have to wait until you're 35, and this country's not gonna be around that long. but if you like throwing your weight around and holding the fate of people in the palm of your hand, why not enter the exciting field of reality show judges? there's voting, people respect your opinion even though you have no clue what you're talking about, and the best part is you'll never have to eat a corn dog in (bleep) iowa! so be that instead. i command it! - grandpa lew, i love animals. i have a dog and a cat now and my dream job when i grow up
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is to help them by becoming a veterinarian. - again, it's not grandpa lew, it's guidance counselor lew. and unfortunately, vet school can cost over $300 grand and will take you decades to pay off, because people love their pets, but they love their money more. i'm not taking out a second mortgage to fix muffin's thyroid. lucky for you, there's a cheaper way to work with animals without all the hassle. the russian circus! an unregulated paradise of animal performers. you'll get to treat all kinds of furry friends, from endangered species sold on the black market, to a panda that you're pretty sure is actually just a dog painted black and white. and you not only get to care for bears, you get to wrestle 'em. what a treat, huh? i'm going to sign you up. - grandpa lew, i'm kylie, and when i grow up, i want to be an astronaut.
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- that's a great career choice. i mean, to be an astronaut, you have to be an expert in math and science. and if you're trapped in the american educational system, you've got no chance at that. so i suggest you try for another job that will let you enjoy the majesty of space... an usher at a planetarium! you get to experience distant worlds! so do that instead. all right, last kid, i am getting sick of this shit. - mr. black, i'm olivia and i want to become a mid-level account representative for a marketing company. - now that's a career choice! you don't need any advice from me, olivia. you get what life's all about. set a realistic goal, achieve it, and spend your weekends drinking margaritas at chili's.
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all right, well, that's enough correcting kids' hopeless dreams. until next time, goodbye from grandpa lew-- i mean, guidance counselor lew! damnit, now they got me doing it! - ♪ yah, let me introduce you ♪ ♪ to some new thangs ♪ ♪ new thangs... ♪ (all speaking korean)
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- the answer after the break.
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- the answer is... c! while cheetahs can reach 75 miles an hour, a properly intoxicated congressman can drive from
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a crime scene at twice that speed. ♪♪ - hey, kids, today we're going to learn about commerce, and we're going to do it with some help from my friend smugly. - (groans) - smugly, i wanna buy an action figure collectible from the new robo-dinosaur movie, but i'm not sure if i have enough money. if i have four quarters and ten dimes, can you tell me how much that's worth? - yeah, you got scrap metal. - no, it's money. - that's called fiat money. and the future is crypto. you've gotta get into bitcoin. - bitcoin, isn't that the money you use to buy synthetic marijuana from the philippines? - no, no, no, no, no, no, no. i mean, yes, but not just that. you can buy all kinds of things with bitcoin. - like a robo-dinosaur collectible? - uh, sure, you can buy any dumb toy you want. - well, technically, it's not a toy, it's a collectable. - you see, bitcoin is a semi anonymous digital currency with transactions recorded in an open ledger stored online in what's called the blockchain.
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- ooh, blockchain, like legos. - legos? jesus christ... - similar to legos. - okay, let me start at the beginning. give me a dollar. - okay, now what is this dollar bill worth? - one dollar. - mm-hmm. which is worth wiping my puppet ass with. - what? oh, smugly, that's my dollar. - relax, man, every dollar bill has been in someone's ass. the point is it comes from a central bank which can just print them out of thin air. that's called inflation. and that's why 30 years ago, a bottle of lambrusco only cost $5, and now i'm paying like 15? that's highway robbery. - so how does bitcoin fix all of this? - oh, well, it's hard capped at 21 million bitcoins, so there's no inflation, and the only way to find those 21 million is through mining. - mining, so bitcoins come from the ground. - no, not that kind of mining. jesus, this is why i didn't want to work on a kid's show. but, oh, a puppet can't work a trading desk at goldman. that's discrimination.
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- should you really be mixing pills and wine like that? that's how prince died. - whoa... (retches) okay, all you need to know is that you and all the other kids out there better make the leap to bitcoin as soon as you can. - can't, i'm 41. - 41? and you're trying to buy a toy dinosaur? sweet baby james, i thought you just had like, a hormone imbalance or something... - to be clear, it's a collectible. look, if i want to buy one of these bitcoins, how much does it cost? - well, that depends on the market rate and what someone will take for it. right now, they're worth a lot. - more than a toy dinosaur? - a toy dinosaur? buddy, for one bitcoin, i could pay barney to watch me baby bop his wife. (chuckles) - sounds like i better get a bitcoin. it's the money of the future unless the power or internet access goes out, and the risk of being decentralized means if someone gets control of 51% of the blockchain, they may alter the ledger, and of course the deflation problem because why would anyone use bitcoin to buy things if it keeps getting more valuable?
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and hey, you may not be able to print new bitcoins, but anyone can make new crypto, so bitcoin could be made obsolete through competition, or the government could just decide to ban them. anyway, that's just a couple thoughts off the top of my head. - yeah, those are, uh, those are good points. that's why the safest thing to do is to diversify and to put your money into other things. - like what? - well, while you were talking, i bought this collectible dinosaur. - okay, well, that's what i wanted to buy. - yeah, exactly. there's clearly a demand, and that's what makes it valuable in the market. - why don't you let me buy that off you? - well, you can bid for it on ebay with all the rest of the man-children. (laughs heartily) - that's a dick move! - that's commerce for you, kids! (laughs) - (speaking mandarin)
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- hi, little friends, it's me, dulce, and today we're going to learn... now, most civics classes will teach you about the president and the supreme court, and congress, and blah, blah, blah, but you don't need to know any of that. hell, the biggest thing congress does for you is flood your inbox. every 15 minutes, "the future of the world" depends on me sending ten bucks to some dumbass in rhode island. i'm going to tell you about the parts of the government you'll meet in real life. let's start with the tsa. that's the part of the government in charge of feeling you up and confiscating your little shampoo bottles filled with hennessey. here's a tip, kids. always drink your booze before you get on the flight.
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mmm! (exhales) and do you know how the tsa gets away with harassing us like this? it's 'cause the men... ...are so damn fine. next, we've got the irs. you know how the mafia collects protection money? this is sort of like the same thing. you see, whatever you make, the government wants a taste, and the irs are the guys who come to get it. but don't worry, the government will use that money for important things like drones and studies to see if they can grow corn on the sun. next, the fbi. unless you're mobbed up, you're probably not gonna hear much from these guys. they're busy working on a backlog of cases from people who copied a vhs tape in 1987. because if there's one thing the feds hate more than al-qaeda, it's bootlegs of "dirty dancing." there's also the cia. they're the ones selling drugs in your community.
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(ding) let's move on to the judiciary, or as i call it, court shit. no matter who you are, you're gonna be in a lifelong battle against the justice system. for some of you, it'll be avoiding jail. but for most of you, it'll be avoiding jury duty. court is also where you go to get married, and where you go back to to get divorced, and where your defend yourself against grand theft auto charges because he said the ford explorer was his but you were the one making the payments! and speaking of cars, let's move on to the dmv. that's where you go to renew your license. you'll wait in a long-ass line next to all the weirdest people who live in your county. in fact, i'm in a dmv line right now. after this, i'm headed over to the state department because that's where you get your passport, the document that has the smallest, worst picture you've ever taken.
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oh, don't worry. you only have to look at it for ten years. what else? oh, the department of education, they're in charge of teaching you the basics, like where to hide during a school shooting. other than that, they don't teach you shit, which is why i'm here teaching you on my day off. they could have more funding, but america needs that money for the defense department. they're the ones out there enforcing the american empire so you can maintain your way of life. oh, y'all didn't think i was gonna get real, did you? (scoffs) if you're a male over the age of 18, the military will make you register for the draft, but not if you're a woman. and that's fine with me. i'm the kind of feminist that wants to be a ceo, not a gunnery sergeant. and that's basically most of government you interact with. there's other agencies-- you got the epa, fema, the deep state,
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but we'll get to them another time. right now, i gotta go get my license. (camera charging) (shutter clicks) (newsreel reporter) journalism is an incredibly important profession, according to most journalists. and it's easier than ever to be a journalist. you just have to be the son of a journalist or the son of a journalist, or the son of a journalist, or the son of a journalist, or the son of a politician, or the daughter of a politician, or the daughter of a politician, or the daughter of a politician, or the daughter of a politician, or the son of a vanderbilt. ask your parents and see!
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[music: “forever young”] ♪let's dance in style, let's dance for a while♪ ♪heaven can wait we're only watching the skies♪ ♪hoping for the best but expecting the worst♪ ♪are you gonna drop the bomb or not?♪ ♪forever young♪ ♪i want to be forever young♪
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- well, that is our sp thank you so much for watching. i hope we all learned something. i know i learned much too late that none of this is tax deductible. unbelievable. anyway, join us next time when we learn about green energy subsidies from the cayman islands. class dismissed. - this episode of "remotely educational" was made possible by the support of viewers like you, and also by northstar ballistics, trident strategic defense, black ocean armored, iron globe partners, permanent force solutions, obsidian ring,
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and kiddie casual, a subsidiary of scorpius heavy industries. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ ♪ timmy, timmy, leh-bah-la timmy ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - ♪ come on down tois he okay? ♪ he decided he was done walking for today. for the moments that make you, dial gets you clean. it cleanses and hydrates, leaving behind clean, soft skin.


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