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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  March 24, 2021 11:00pm-11:44pm PDT

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>> trevor: hey, what's going on, everybody, i'm trevor noah and this is the daily social distancing show. today is march 24th. which means we are almost at the end of women's history month. so to celebrate let's once again highlight a random woman from history who deserves it. all right, let's see who we got today. oh, look at that, today it is sophie ferguson. what a legend. you see in 1906 sophie became the first woman to say i am the boss when i man asked to speak to her boss. yeah, that man's head exploded so hard it caused the great san francisco earthquake. congratulations, soferree, anyway on tonight owe show dulce sloan on america's female kaepernick. we talk about how men can help women feel safe in the street and why kamala har sis history's
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greatest monster, so let's do this, people, welcome to the daily social distancing show. >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch so somewhere in the world thrk is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. >> trevor: let's kick things off with the exciting news from the world of international shipping. you know t is how you get all of those amazing products that claim to be locally sourced. but now some of those deliveries might be a little delayed. >> overseas a major concern for global shipping. a large container ship is blocking the suez canal. a technical problem caused a 1300 foot vessel to run aground. >> the online monitoring system tanker tracker shows the huge back log it created, a traffic jam basically, with ships unable to pass in either direction. >> they're trying to get tugs in to pull it out but it is so big that they are having a hard time moving it. >> trevor: okay, i don't know about you, but i didn't even know that this could happen. there say giant traffic jam of cargo ships?
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yo, you realize that this is going to set the human trafficking industry back weeks. and i feel so bad for the captain of that ship that got stuck in the canal because like we've all been there. trying to make a you turn on a narrow street but imagine how much more stressful it must be when you know if you back up wrong you might bump into-- into egypt. i also feel bad for the guys behind that ship, there is not a lot of alternate routes, imagine if you are on one of those ships looking at your waze app, you can't go around africa, but when you look at how big that ship is, you are not surprised it got stuck. and the crazy thing is that whole ship is just delivering two double a batteries. the rest is just extra packaging. what this situation really shows is how even in this age of technology we still depend on old school things like cargo ships and canals. think about it, right now we can use our wireless computer phone to buy a hologram with crypto
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currency but at the same time, big boat got stuck, water too small. but let's move on now to washington d.c. where there is a big debate going on about gun control. you see democrats say that maybe we should do something so that there isn't a mass shooting like every five minutes. while republicans say come on! where is your sense of adventure. live a little. but maybe republicans are just busy with more important things. because if you watch conservative media right now you know that at this moment we are living through one of the biggest scandals in american history. >> vice president kamala harris under fire for repeatedly failing to salute the military when boarding air force 2. critics call it disgraceful that she would break the tradition of showing respect. >> and guess who appears to not support our men and women in the armed forces. vice president kamala harris. simply refusing to salute the military members standing their post. >> you should respect the military when she salute, salute back. >> she is not a very serious
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person. >> at least she didn't fall up the staircase here. but the lack of respect from kamala harris i think is jarring for a lot of folks. >> for her to walk by this, and not return their salute is just, it's outrageous. it's outrageous. >> trevor: unbelievable. kamala harris vice president and woman who is one strung gust of wind away from shattering the glass ceiling did not return a salute. this is outrageous and dangerous my friend. because what if cuba invaded america and the marines couldn't fight back because they were still waiting for kamala to return their salute. i tell you who would never do this. my man donald trump. he loved the military so much that he would salute other countries troops. that is respect. yo but for real though in case you are wondering there is no rule actual rule that the vice president or president are supposed to return a salute. this is just something that ronald reagan started like the crack ep dimmic.
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and once he started, nobody wanted to be the one to stop stvment like how that one coworker in your office started giving everyone hugs. and now you have to do it too or you look like an ass hole. >> here is your starbucks certificate. >> you got me oh a star intuks gift card, what a good use of our time. >> now personally if i was a politician, i would be saluting all the time, yeah, it's fun like giving a little baby dab. all right, people f we are honest, if kamala harris doesn't salute, i don't think it is the end of the world in fact in anyone is disrespecting the military, it is the people on tv talking about the troops like they're cry babies, make it seem like they are out there crying, like i was waiting to salute when the vice president came but when she walked by she didn't salute me. so i dub db. >> and finally some technology news out of utah. the only place where mitt romney is considered a renegade. utah has always been one of the
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most conservative states in the united states. but now they're taking it to a whole new level. >> utah is a step closer to requiring all cell phones and tablets sold in the state to automatically block pornography after the republican governor signed legislation yesterday that critics call a significant intrusion of free speech. governor spencer cox said the measure would send an important measure about preventing children from accessing explicit online content. the measure won't go into effect until five other states enact similar laws, a provision that was added to address concerns that it would be difficult to implement. >> that's right. utah's governor knows that porn doesn't belong on phones and tablets it belongs on laptops like god intended. sure it is harder to take it that the bathroom and try to balance it on the sink but that is just part of the excitement. seriously, this is pointless. even if utah did successfully ban cell phone porn t wouldn't make any difference, all right.
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people are hornee, if they can't watch porn, they will find something else on their phone to get the job done. well, the amazon app kind of looks like a pennist and the instagram app looks like a robot's butt hole, if i just put them together, yeah, that's going to, without. that is going to work real good. by the way i also love that utah wants five other states to join them. so even utah's laws are polygamous. good luck, man, good luck getting other states to ban porn. i want to hear that sales pitch. >> come on, who else hates looking at naked people, huh? alaska, you know what i am talking about, right. >> i don't think so, dude, pretty lonely up here. >> wow, okay, idaho, what about you guys, you guys think sex is gross, am i right? but let's move on now to our main story. march was supposed to be the month for celebrating women's history. but we haven't really been able to focus on that lately because of what is going on in women's-- a few weeks ago the murder of sarah ever ad spark
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the outrage in england and across the world and last week a gunman in georgia gunned down seven women who he apparently blamed for his sex addiction. now these tragedies touch on awide aware of violence, racially motivated hate crimes but for many women only the most extreme manifestation of■ a problem that they have to deal with, every single day. >> the top story at this hour, the violence against women and the conversation that it has sparked among women around the world. for many it can feel like the only way to guarantee your personal safety is to stay at home, lock your doors and never leave. >> the world health organization scai one in three women worldwide have been subjected to physical or sexual violence. and data shows the violence starts alarmingly young. >> around the world six women are killed every hour by men. and for women of color their
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cases rarely in the headlines. on social media the post text me when you get home now going viral. women all over the world sharing their stories. >> we are portrayed aspr knowed when we call out or say this is our reality. when really this is what we see and live every day. >> i thought i was an overprotective mother, so surprised to see millions of women, they are sisters and mothers and friends asking other women to text them when they get home. >> okay, now that, that is truly de pressing. for many women every time they leave the house it is a risk. this is not something that men experience. like when the pandemic hits, men were like just going outside is dangerous now. and women are like yeah, add it to the list. and that risk of violence is why women are forced to constantly check up on each other to make sure that everyone gets home okay. it has become a normal part of women's routines. get home, brush your teeth, put on some pj's and text your friends a picture of you holding
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today's newspaper to prove are you still alive. and that sucks for women on multiple levels because sometimes a woman forgets to send the tks and accidentedallily falls asleep, by the time she wakes up there are sniffer dogs looking for her and find jessica is trending on twitter. and the truth is even if women know they will get home seachly most times, thefer never know which is the time they won't. because for women just being out in public will face a wide array of potential threats from men. >> people don't just wake up one day and murder somebody. they are taught from an early age that there is a power difference between men and women and that it is okay to use certain language, certain behavior and they progress from cat calling and groping. >> 96% of women 40 and younger reported being harassed on the street in the past year. >> i am dressed for work, this is my professional clothes. >> i have been followed home. i have had guys try to tuch
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touch me, harass me. >> i was cat called probably for the very first time, probably 11 or 12. and you have 30 seconds, that young to work out if i say no to this person, are they going to be okay with that or are they going to start yelling at me. >> yeah, that is a terrifying thing to have to deal with. women never know what a cat call might lead to. that person already has the audacity to start shouting at them on the streets, like the guy who starts grabbing rice with his bare hands, that person is clearly capable of anything. this is why so many women wear headphones when they are walking down the street. you think they are all listening to your podcast? no. half of them are just pretending to listen to something so when a man cat calls them they can ak like they didn't hear it. and the other half would never listen a podcast anyway. oh, you talk about sports with a mix of pop culture. revolutionary. >> so women basically have to tip toe around the outside world like. which is why they leave the
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house armed to thety in case, just in case they get noticed by the monster. >> too many of us have clutched our keys in our fist in case we need to defend ourselves. >> i now have a panic alarm which is part of my life now. >> on my keys on my keychain for my car, i have a mini mace. >> camila parker packs up bag for her business, she started to give women a layer of safety that fits into a purse. the self-defense bags have a taser, an alarm, and pepper spray. >> every woman you know has taken a longer route, has doubled back on herself, has pretended to da-wdle by a shop window. >> i walk in the middle of the road and tell my daughters to do this, that is a safe place. >> trevor: goddam, it is safer in the mid he of the road. yo, how bad do men have to be for women to be like i will take my chances with an 18 wheeler.
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at least it won't tell may to smile. and i never want to hear anyone talk shit about women's giant purses again, like ever again, look at all the shit they have to bring with them to stay safe. they got tasers, mini mace sprays on their keychains. what do men have on our keychains, huh? bottle openers. that should tell you everything you need to know. women don't know when they are going to be attacked and men don't know when they will be surprised with a tailgate, got to be careful, there are brewskies around like every corner. but the solution here isn't to load up women with weapons and gadgets like a human swiss army knife. in fact, the solution doesn't really have anything to do with women at all. >> the burden has been placed on us to stay safe. rather than compelling men to change their behavior. >> we are finding these comments on social media about why was so and so going out at night, why was she on her own, why was she dressed like that. why was she-- why did she have a drink. you know, seeking to blame the woman for the fact that she has been attacked.
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>> the mainstream conversation about this subject uses passive voice all over the place. there is no active agent. nobody is doing it to them. they are just experiencing it. >> it midly framed the entire debate as if it is your problem as a woman, we are the culprit, whether we like it or not, this is about men. and we have to deal with that fact. we can't even start to have that debate unless we start to reframe it with men at the center of it. >> that's right, the conversation needs to be reframed. because in is not about what else women can do. you can't solve violence against women without addressing the men committing it. it would be like trying to address gun violence without restricting access to guns. okay, that would be so crazy. like who would be that stupid. to think that you could stop gun violence without trying to stop access to guns. and i know right now, a lot of guys are watching this going yo, trevor, i don't murder women, first of all, congratulations,
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but second of all, understand that there is more to it than that, all right? as men we often act in a way that we think are totally appropriate because we know that we would never do anything wrong. but understand, a woman doesn't know you. she doesn't know that. right, so it is easier to just not do those things. like you might think you are compliments an outif i in a parking lot but unless are christian siriano she doesn't need to hear that from you, we should be teaching the next generation of men to respect women and be aware of their experiences and we should start as early as possible. like as soon as they are done nursing their eyes are up here. but aside from children, we have a responsibility to teach each other. like as men maybe we should start checking in with our friends like women do. only in our case it will be a little different. >> hey man, did you make it home safely without harassing any women? all right, great, good to know. love you, i mean go packers. look the point is, as men, we should be steering this conversation to where it
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belongs. centered on us. because this is our responsibility, not to be creeps, all right. let's not make it the one thing that we don't take credit for. when we come back, dulce sloan looks at all the trouble female athletes have been getting into. >> so don't go away.
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daily social distancing show. this month is women's history mntnd to celebrate we turn to dulce sloan for another episode of dul-sayin'. atheletes, they're god at running, jumping and getting hit in the head. but some athletes are also trail
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blairses for justice and pioneers for change. like mo ham i had ali protesting the vietnam war or colin kaepernick kneeling during the anthem or jr smith missing all those jump shots. no justice, no three. >> but today i want to talk about the activist female athletes who have been erased from history books like track trar joes robinson, long before protesting police butt allity rose refused to stand for the flag and anthem during the 1959 pan american games because she felt they represented war, injustice and hypocrisy. her activism was another example of black women in the 1950s perfecting the art of sitting when and where they weren't supposed to, whether at the front of the bus, the whites only section of a restaurant or just sitting around judging white people dancing. basically we were experts at using our behinds to say [bleep] you to the system. it wasn't long after the protest
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that the irs came for rose for tax evasion. uh-huh, of course they did she ended up going to jail and missing the 1960 olympic games. the same games where a young unknown athlete named castiuk clay broke out ton the world stage, history would be different if they had wesley snipe robin sewn over 380 dollar, forward forward, another brave athlete would have protest overlooked. tyus was the first ad let in olympic history male or female to win gold medals in consecutive hundred meter events, and accomplishment that took two decades to beat. and that is before all these modern improvements of science and nutrition and, when she set this record they hadn't even invented kale yet. and in the 1968 olympics the-- protested race and segregation by wearing black shorts instead of uniform short, however it did not get the
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coverage it should have and no one noticed and part of that was the media. but maybe she could have done something a bit more flashy. if your protest involves clothe, it has either got to be loud clothes or no clothes f are you running with to bottoms, you've got people's attention. finally, let's talk about aliceon, one of the greatest sprinter to ever compete in the olympics, good fluff to get a nike sponsorship until 2018 when she got pregnant then during contract negotiations they offered a brand new deal with a 70% pay cut which is some bull shit. they should have given her 100 percent more. she is literally growing another sprinter. i would have rolled up nike and-- but allison is classy. so she wrote an op ed in the new york times to let the figure heads know what was up, the resulting outrage forced nike to stop reducing endorsement based on an athlete getting pregnant. there was even a congressional
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inquireie nike ma ternity policy for athletes and if you are nike you know you need to make changes to policy when congress is telling you to just do it the next time you think about ad lets taking a stand, don't forget the ladies. they're racking up the blame and fighting the power at the same time. now if you will excuse me, i'm about to do my own bottom protest outside. what am i protesting,. >> trevor: thank you so much dulce, when we come back, the fantastic actress nomzamo mbatha joins me to talk about what it was like working with eddie murphy oncoming 2 america, you ok guys, microsoft surface pro7 and macbook pro. surface comes with a pen, and touchscreen.
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well... things are rough. oh my goodness. i mean like... the floor is actually lava, rough. i can't bro. - but you're not. - me? - you're a reactor. - uh oh. a mover. a better than what came before you doer. a slayer. a cryer. a let me tell you about this funny thing that happened-er. you are realness and weirdness, chaos and hope. yes! all this talk about good things to come... nah. you're the good thing. ♪♪ all right that's a fifth-floor problem... nah. you're ok. good thing.
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not in my house! ha ha ha! ha ha ha! no no no! not today! ha ha ha! ha ha ha! jimmy how happy are folks who save hundreds of dollars switching to geico? happier than dikembe mutumbo blocking a shot. get happy. get geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. welcome back to the daily social distancing show, earlier today i spoke with south african actress nom sphwhramo mbatha. we talked about making her feature film debut in the coming 2 america sequel and what it was like for her tallly coming to america. >> good morning, my name is-- i will be your royal. >> please allow me the honor z. >> okay, all right.
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nomzamo mbatha, welcome to the daily social distancing show. >> it feels good, to have somebody pronowngs my name and surname very correctly. >> i practiced for a long time, it was like the whole game a was like nomzamo mbatha. and then-- i practiced. and practiced. and i am going to practice. how are you? >> i'm so good. all the more for being here. >> trevor: are you kidding me, this is an amazing day for me because not only do i get to celebrate you as a fellow south african, i get to celebrate your success in the most successful movie of the year. the movie that broker amazon prime coming 2 america. congratulations on not just being part of the biggest film but also being one of the breakout stars, do you ever take a moment to think how amazing, eddie murphy, james earl jones, arsenio hall, wesley snipesk and so many people are like man, that nomzamo, she's amazing. >> it is crazy. it is crazy.
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i mean honestly it has be about an out of body experience for the longest time but i think you would be able to let me know, you know, how to go about this hollywood thing. because having to call eddie pur fee, eddie, you know when eddie came on to set and arsenio and st not arsenio hall or wesley, it has been an amazing journey and a very incredible out of body, coming together. like a full circle moment for me. >> you are coming to america story was almost as crazy as the original coming 2 america story. because you had to audition for this movie. you weren't in the country when you were doing it. walk me through the story of how you came to be one of the stars in the movie? >> so if is crazy. i am in the uae. i literally flew from new york to switzerland to the uae. by the time that i am in the uae i'm supposed to fly back to south africa because i was supposed to host the south african music awards. >> trevor: yes. >> i right, i get a call the night before my flight from my agent saying you want to be in the movie for this one. send a self-tape but you want to be in the room. i was like listen, i spent so
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much money flying in and out, these auditions are not working out and i'm not going to spend another men penny and he said it is for a lead in coming 2 america. and i said well, i don't know, i'm just saying, i don't know. so i literally changed my flights from flying out of abu dhabi to south africa to a new fliet from dubai to l.a. and so i cancelled that and drove from an abu dhabi to dubai, caught a flight into l.a. and made it to the offices. and did my audition. >> trevor: it is quite a feat because getting into an american film is really a big jump, getting too a major marquee film is another jump but to be seen as one of the breakout stars of it, is the ultimate, ultimate, ultimate celebration of what you have done. and you are like eddie for instance even said you have the most authentic accent. he loved how were you doing this, you know you play jermaine
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fowler's barber in the story and the love interest. and what is cool about the story is you don't know which way it is going. are we going to say, are we going back to america, but here you are in this world. was it interesting for you when you were getting the job, because a lot of people don't know, this especially americans they go to other countries and they work. you can go to another country, you can work. if you are british you can go to another country and work. but as a south african there is such a big process. like you had to go to get a visa and everything, they had to approve you to come and do the job. >> i mean first of all, you are-- coming into america with a-- visa and you tourist visa and you move to being somebody that is employed in america. st a whole process. i remember even when i got the call to make it back to the states, it was like you need to coming ba, sign papers so that we can give you, you know, your official o1 visa and go back to the embassy in south africa to have that visa in your pocket and then come back. let me tell you, i was like i
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really genuinely deserve this movie because i have worked really hard for it. >> trevor: did anybody say anything to you at the visa place, bah because i remember one of my favorite place about the process, americans don't realize, to everyone watching that doesn't understand, this is how it works for a lot of countries, if you want to work in america, you can come in for the interview, and then americans can accept you for the job but then you have to go back to your country so that americans in your country can stamp your passport and put a visa in your passport so you can come back to the country which is america so you can get the job. and what happens in between is you get like, you meet some of the most interesting people in the process. so on my side i will never forget the guy who was working, immigration, he looked at my visa and was like yo man, your visa says you have an o1. i said yeah, he said mean i the best of the best. i said i'm just good at what you do. he said no, 01 like the best, you like the michael jordan of what you do. i said i don't know. >> what do you do. >> the come-- comedian.
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>> are you like the michael jordan of comedy. >> may man, if i see your jokes and they are not funny, are you going back to your country, you hear me. and he stamped my passport and came in. did you meet anybody. because they always say interesting things twns is. i am thinking right now i'm cracking up because you got a threat and i had a threat as well. because he saw my o1 and he said hmmmm trk says paramount. and i said yes, he said well, what do you do. >> i said i'm an actress. >> oh, which movie. >> and i said oh, coming 2 america, and he was already, you know, i said coming 2 america and he stopped writing, he looked up, he said don't mess it up. so no one wants to, no, we want to make a good movie. >> trevor: movie is on your shoulders girl, if i am watching that, i will come find you and take your passport and girl, you going back home. >> please don't, please don't, i like it here. >> trevor: no, it is only been a success story it has been beautiful, people have been celebrating you, back home, you know, everyone is excited. they are like oh, nomzamo you
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have done it for us. st a new journey now and i know it is scary trk is a crazy time to come to america during a pandemic but you have dreams, you have hopes, aspirations. what do are you hoping to do now that are you in this new world buildings on the success from south africa into the u.s.? >> honestly, just to continue to do the work that i do. needing to work with the united nation, the rev gee agency to continue to make more films. right now i want to get into producing as well. i think i'm in that space, just that creative. >> trevor: what are you doing for-- this is a question i love asking for people who have just come to a new country. so favorite things do you in l.a. t is pandemic plus a new country. so what is your like normal life now, do you have a normal? >> you know, honestly, when you come to america, i think you said this before about the eating. so there is the first couple of mondays of just eating and thinking that it is not going to go anywhere. and then you want to go home and
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everyone says my goodness, america is so good to you. so i try not to eat a lot but also you know, i love chicken sandwiches. i didn't think a chicken sandwich-- as much as i do. i enjoy chicken sandwiches, what is the most american thing, oh, the passing up the street was hard. >> looking the wrong way. >> yeah, trying not to die in america is very expensive to transport a body home. those kind of things that i was going through. but i honestly t is very hard to coming to a new country as a person who is on the other side, hi a lot of culture shock, a lot of culture shock but there is a lot of learning as well. so i mean what do i do? i haven't hiked. i haven't done the normal touristy things. i haven't gone to the hollywood walk of fame. i'm taking it slow. >> i love it. what you need to do.
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i live you, get like a really nice dog and then you need to go for a hike but then you need to dress as if you didn't care but you have to dress as if are you on a runway and then you go for the hike and make sure you don't sweat but make it look like were you working out. >> exactly. i need a bottle of water as well. >> trevor: but it must be a special type of bottle, a bot theal says something about you as a person. very natural but not too natural, you know what i mean. and then just enjoy l.a be yourself but don't be yourself. just be who you think you should be and will you have a good time. >> in is too hard for me. i don't think i can be able to do it. i don't know. >> trevor: can i tell you, the thing for real though is that is the great thing about what you are doing, what a lot of people are doing, you are and people are loving you for that, i think that is why you are successful in the movie. you play the character fan tassic and when they meet the real nam zamo they think she is even more of a princess in real life. i think will you experience more success, more joy and you have no risk of somebody taking away that passport.
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thank you so much for joining me on the show. >> thank you so much for having me. >> trevor: i can't wait to see you when the lockdown ends. >> yes, yes, please, stay safe, okay. >> trevor: all right. >> and we're so prowfd you. >> thanks, trevor. >> trevor: bye, don't forget, come 2 america is available know on amazon prime video. we will take a quick break but be right back after this so jeff, you need all those screens streaming over your xfinity xfi... for your meeting? uhh yes.
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and your lucky jersey? oh, yeah. lauren, a cooler? it's hot. it's march. and jay, what's with all your screens? just checking in with my team... of colleagues. so you're all streaming on every device in the house, what?!! that was a foul. it's march... ...and you're definitely not watching basketball. no, no. i'm definitely not watching basketball. right... ( horn blaring ) show for tonight. but before we g task is women's history month i would please ask you to consider donating to a new way of life. an organization dedicated to providing housing, legal services and leadership developments for women rebuilding their lives after prison. if you can help out, go to the link below and donate whatever
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you can. until next time, stay safe out there. wear a mask and remember, if you are planning on going through the suez canal, make sure to hit up the bathroom first. now here st, your moment of zen. >> here it is, a funniest new show, america's funniest videos, all the falls you can handle, ever heard of a railing. check out the botched sa loot and hair's biggest enemy, wind. don't forget toilet paper mishaps, it's america's funniest presidential plane videos. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ going down to south park ♪
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♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [mumbling] ♪ - ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - is this what you're looking for, kyle? - no, i don't think so. - [mumbling] how about this? - no, that's a hair dryer! - can i help you find something? - yeah, do you have any "ne-rections"? - any what? - i need to get a ne-rection for my dad. - very funny, boys, go on, beat it! - why is that funny? - dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time. and i heard them say it's 'cause my dad doesn't have a ne-rection. so i wanna get him one. dammit, what the hell is wrong with everybody? - that's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. why is it so hard to get a ne-rection? - [mumbling] - i just want a ne-rection so i can give it to my mom. - what? - [mumbling] - oh, where you gonna go, kenny? you gonna see your little girlfriend, again? - [mumbles] - dude, you spend way too much time with that girl-- whoosh! - oh, my god, they killed kenny! - you bastards! - what the hell happened to him? - he just... ignited!
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- what happened? - i saw it from across the street. he just caught on fire! - okay, people, stand back, give the little burnt boy some breathing room. - i've heard about this. this is spontaneous combustion. but it usually only happens to fat people near open flames! - is it contagious? - am i going to spontaneously combust? - i hope nothing happens to me. - this is very scary! - the people are panicking about spontaneous combustion. that's why i've assembled this crack team of scientists to find out the cause of this phenomenon. you are the best scientific mind south park has to offer. - uh... mayor, i'm a geologist. - right. - well, i don't study human biology. i study the earth. - look, you're the only scientist that lives in this town. you have to find an answer before more people combust. you do that, and you'll be the most beloved man in south park. all: randy! randy! randy! randy! - we love you, randy. - make love to me, randy, please! - wow! - marsh, i'm not asking you, i'm telling you, find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else! - or else, what? - exactly!
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- dude, he looks so peaceful without his little orange coat on. - yeah. - the lord giveth, and the lord taketh away... sometimes the giveth seems a little disproportionate to the taketh. there seems to be a lot more taketh-ing going on, but there it is. perhaps if more of you attended church on sundays, the lord would not have felt it necessary to punish us by taketh-ing this little boy. - oh, here comes the guilt trip again. - now let us pray. lord, though we have lost neil smith to free agency and steve atwater to the jets, still, we hope our beloved broncos can bring home another super-bowl championship and once again bathe in the glory of your light. amen. all: amen. - ♪ let's go ♪ all: ♪ let's go ♪ - ♪ broncos ♪ all: ♪ broncos ♪ - ♪ let's go, broncos ♪ all: ♪ broncos, let's go ♪
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- wow, that was short! - boys, i haven't seen you in church lately. - well, i'm jewish. - you're not too jewish to worship jesus, are you? - i guess not. - good. boys, how would you like to perform the stations of the cross this friday night? - the what? - it's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of jesus christ. - hey, resurrection! that's what my dad needs! - huh? - we'll do it, we'll do it! - wonderful. here's a book on how to perform it. don't let me down, boys! - dude, this is great! you know all the stations of the cross, right, stan? - i don't know, dude. i'm gonna have to go look in the bible. - good night, jerry. - see ya, tom, bye, helen. - bye, jer-- whoosh! - oh, my god, another one! - helen, no! - what happened? - god must be very angry with us. but why? how have we angered you, lord? - now, let's see. if they combust... no. it could be from--no. - dad, where's our bible? - not now, stan. i have to find out what causes spontaneous combustion, or else. - or else, what? - exactly. - what? - right. - where's our bible? - it's in the attic with the old l.p.s. boys, did you notice anything strange about k


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