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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  November 12, 2021 1:15am-2:00am PST

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you can't just click a button. you've got to make an effort to open up the comment box and tell the creator to stab themselves with a rusty screwdriver. arty effort! by the way, you know what's going to happen, right? getting rid of the thumbs-down button isn't going to solve anything. trolls are too creative. what's going to happen is the first comment on every video is just going to say, "thumbs down," and that's going to get 10,000 thumbs up. if you ask me, i don't even know why they ever had a dislike button on youtube. how are you going to dislike a free video? it's free! you asshole! the only response you should be able to leave on a free thing is "thank you for this free thing." and be like, i don't like it. it's free! don't tell me your opinions on free shit. and speaking of the dislike button, let's move on to politics. as various high-profile republicans begin to think about running for president in 2024, one of their biggest considerations is what to do about the man who thinks he won the election in 2020, donald j. trump, because that's basically what trump is going to be
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running on. you realize that, right. he was cheated the last time, so he deserves another four years-- or maybe 30 years-- as president. but it turns out there is one republican who is brave-- or stupid-- enough to stand in his way. >> political blows from chris christie and former president donald trump. it started with comments the ex-new jersey governor made over the weekend at the republican jewish coalition's conference. christie called on republicans to move past trump's baseless claim that the 2020 election was stolen from him. >> we can no longer talk about the past is the past and the election is over. >> and now former president trump is slapping back. chris christie was just absolutely massacred by his statements that republicans have to move on from the past, meaning the 2020 election fraud. everybody remembers that chris left new jersey with a less than 9% approval rating, a record low. they didn't want to hear this from him." >> chris christie then
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responded in an interview with axios. >> look, i'm not going to get into a back-and-forth with donald trump. but what i will say is this: when i ran for reelection in 2013, i got 60% of the vote. when he ran for reelection, he lost to joe biden. >> trevor: hmm, something tells me you are going to get into a back-and-forth with donald trump. i like how he's like, i'm not going to get into a back-and-forth but this is my shit. this dude is taking a rock to a hornet's nest like, "i don't want to get in a whole thing here. and, look, i get christie's point. he wants the party to talk about joe biden's current failures, not about how china used mind control to delete trump votes in georgia, or whatever the new story is. but telling donald trump to stop obsessing over the 2020 results is like telling gollum to maybe try a necklace or a bracelet or something. it's not gonna happen! if christie wants to play this smart, here's what he's got to do. he shouldn't tell trump that he lost the election. he should agree with trump that
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he won the election. yeah. because then he could say, "look, donald, i would love to support you, but you've already served two terms." and then trump's mind would be blown. ( trump ) "wait, then i'm the president now? that means i'm joe biden? but that's a bunch of malarkey!" ( gasps ) but let's move on, because there's one story that is dominating our lives today and probably forever: coronavirus. and we've got all the latest updates in another installment of "keeping up with corona." for over a year now, everyone has been asking two questions about the corona pandemic: one, do masks make everyone's breath smell like shit, or just mine? and, two, if those thermometer guns really work, why did we take our temperature up our butts all those years? oh, and there's actually another question everyone has been
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wondering: when is the pandemic finally going to be over? well, with covid cases now stalling at a pretty high level, it is looking more and more like covid may stay with us forever, like that uncle who just said he was just passing through town and then 20 years later, still has your room. now, luckily for america, the pandemic will probably never be as deadly as it was, thanks to vaccines. you still have covid, bument not the deaths. because america has more than enough vacines for every man, woman, and child who doesn't listen to joe rogan. in fact, the united states has so many vaccines that they finally decided to make it rain on the rest of the world. >> the u.s. is aiming to send more doses of the covid vaccine to people living in conflict zones around the world. they include the democratic republic of congo, south sudan, and yemen. >> reports say secretary of state antony blinken announced a deal between johnson & johnson and the covax vaccine-sharing program. blinken says that less than 2% of the population living in
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conflict zones are vaccinated. >> trevor: america is sending the johnson & johnson vaccine into conflict zones? hasn't yemen been through enough? it's bad enough that poor countries get t-shirts from the losing super bowl team. now they have to get the third-place vaccine! by the way, you know how maga people are always at their rallies with the t-shirts that say "trump won"? you have to wonder, did they get the t-shirts that were supposed to go to africa. maybe when the shipping shut down, they couldn't go to africa and they were like, "we'll win them." oh, so nobody won and nobody lost." anyway, look, i know there are actual reasons why it's better to send j&j to conflict zones than moderna or pfizer. it's easier to transport, and you don't need to depend on people being able to come back for a second shot. but i wouldn't be surprised if there were some american officials who were like, "well, we're not gonna waste the good
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vaccines on someone who's just gonna step on a landmine tomorrow. am i right, feals? it is a good thing, don't get me wrong. the last thing conflict zones need is corona on top of that. the only downside is that you might get people coming to the conflict zone just to get the vaccine. i hope that doesn't happen. the next thing you know there will be people from nigeria interviewing with the taliban, like, "so why do you want to join our glorious cause?" "predominantly for the benefits. and, also, death to america, of course. if that helps my application, you can put that in as well." so it's good that more and more people around the world are getting vaccinated, but the problem is it might not be enough, because it turns out people aren't the only ones who are spreading the 'rona. >> there's a study that reveals that deer are a widespread carrier of covid-19. a study researched the north american population of white- tailed deer, and researchers say as much as 80% of the 445,000
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iowa population may carry the virus. >> potentially bigger problems loom down the road. questions still remain about covid's effect on deer populations, and we don't yet know if the virus could survive the deer and then mutate and infect people then, too. >> trevor: i knew it. i knew that one day the deer would get their revenge for what we did to bambi's mom. i don't know about you, but i was shocked when i heard this. because i didn't think deer could get covid. i thought they had herd immunity. ♪ ♪ ♪ ha-ha! my man! but now scientists are worried that corona might mutate in the deer and jump back to us. and you might be thinking, "trevor, it's not like humans are hanging out with deer. we'll be fine." yeah, yeah, that's what we said before that guy banged a bat.&3
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and look at us now. it was batman, right? he's doing things in that cave. and i know we don't want to think this about our hero, but come on, people. if you want the crime-fighting batman, you gotta take the bat-(bleep) batman. it's a package deal. all right, and, finally, we've talked a lot about how the pandemic is causing labor shortages around the country. i mean, it's the reason why these days, when you go to the drive-through, you have to spit in your own food. but now, labor shortages are even threatening the jeff bezos of the north pole: santa. >> staff shortages are hitting the north pole. department store santas are in short supply this season due to covid concerns. one report found the number of available santas is down 15%. >> "hire santa" helps people find and hire santas' helpers around the world for parties, mall appearances, and more. >> it is a dramatic shortage. and we are already sold out across the country on several dates in december." >> before the pandemic, "hire santa" said demand was already tight, but after losing some
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santas to covid-19, some retiring, and some concerned about covid-19, it's led to a pinch on santas this holiday season. >> trevor: yeah, people, this is not surprising. of course santa got covid. he spends half his time around unvaccinated children, and the other half around deer. the solution is pretty obvious-- if you want more santas you have to offer more money. hell, if you raise the pay enough, you may even get the real santa to sign up. that man's spent a thousand years getting paid in just milk and cookies. a job at the mall is a huge step up. for more on this, i want to bring in our own ronny chieng, who's looking into this story at a local mall. ronny, when you look-- wait. why are you in a santa suit, ronny? >> uh, because i'm applying to be a mall santa. there's a shortage right now. don't you listen to your own show? >> trevor: yeah, i know there's a shortage. that's why i sent you to the mall. i just didn't think you would want to be a mall santa. >> yeah, why not? you get to sit down all day, you get a free winter jacket, and
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you can buy oxy from the girl at the hot topic. it's a great job. >> trevor: ronny, ronny, here's what i'm saying. i just don't think that you would be right as a mall santa, you know. >> why not? >> trevor: well, santa has a certain-- how do i put this? when you think of santa, you don't think of a guy like you. >> uh-huh, uh-huh. oh, what are you saying? i can't be santa because i'm asian? because i'm a handsome asian man? that's racist! but thank you for the compliment. >> trevor: no, you can't be santa because you're a dick. santa needs to be nice to kids, and you're not nice to... people of any age. >> what are you talking about, man. i'm fine with kids! act like you're a kid. let's role play for a second. tell me what you meant for christmas. tell me what you want. come on! >> trevor: okay, santa, i want a fire truck and a nintendo switch. >> man, (bleep) you, kid.
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i don't even have a nintendo switch! ask your parents. they're the ones getting you all this shit. >> trevor: you see? ronny, this is the shit i'm talking about. >> okay, okay, yeah, good point. but while i'm here, i'm gonna go eat free samples at the food court until they call security. >> trevor: good luck with that. but don't talk to kids. bring me back some of those cinnabons. all right, when we come back, desi lydic takes a look at the veterans america shouldn't forget. you don't want to miss it. (vo) singing, or speaking. reason, or fun. daring, or thoughtful. sensitive, or strong. progress isn't either or progress is everything. vi, i know you want to hurt the world
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for what they've done, but who are you willing to lose? ♪it's time to say goodbye♪ nobody wins in war. ♪♪ choose my sister. and i'm willing to fight for her. ♪♪ ♪where is my home?♪ it's another day. and anything could happen. it could be the day you welcome 1,200 guests and all their devices. or it could be the day there's a cyberthreat. only comcast business' secure network solutions give you the power of sd-wan and advanced security integrated on our activecore platform so you can control your network from anywhere, anytime. it's network management redefined. every day in business is a big day. we'll keep you ready for what's next. comcast business powering possibilities.
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." women's contributions in history often get overlooked, so to solve the problem, we turn to desi lydic for a special veterans day edition, not of his-tory, but of hist-her-y. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> a lot of people think america's first female advantage was demi moore, which was not true. although she was the first marine to strip her way through west point. the truth is, there have been women fighting wars since the beginning of america. during the revolutionary war deborah sampson was the first known woman to enlist, and to do so she had to pose as a man which had its ups and downs. on the one hand, she had to put herself in grave danger. on the other hand, she didn't have to wear a corset anymore, which if you ask me is worth risking your life for. and she kicked ass. she led a raid that captured 15 men. that's right, a woman took down
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15 men without the help of ronan farrow. another women named melinda blalock posed as a man to enlist. she fought for the confederacy. you would think there would be statues of her all over. blalock was secretly a union sympathizer trying to escape up north. before she could she was shot in the shoulder and discovered as as a woman by an army doctor. that's a huge sacrifice because as soon as your doctor realizes you're a woman, all your premiums go up. after she was discharged for the crime of having a vagina, she joined up with the union army, helping to kin the civil war, and slavery and defeat racism in america, once and for all. at least that's what my nephew's textbook says. he goes to school in texas. by world war i, woman didn't have to drag race their way into service. they were allowed to enlist. they came to be known as the
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marionettes. although, to their credit, marine officials distanced themselveses from that nick nak, probably because marineet sounds less like soldiers and more like a dance troupe that does high kicks on the battlefield which is giving the enemy unrealistic expectations to what their legs should look like. by world war ii women were taking to the skies. america had a shortage of pilot and women were taught to fly military aircraft, and they were known as wasps, which was women air force pilot. this is another example of women doing jobs previously reserved for men-- flying planes, playing baseball. the reason they call it world war ii is because it's the second one. it's a math problem. you wouldn't understand. world war ii saw another first, when charity early became the
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first african american female army officer and led the first battalion of black women to be stationed overseas. which means without her inspiration we never would have had beyonce's super bowl half time show. she was given the task to deliver undelivered mail to the soldiers fighting in europe and was eventually promoted to lieutenant colonel, which back then was the highest rank a woman was allowed to have, just above h.b.i.drsmed positive and girl boss. not every woman was as visible as army officers and air force pilots and in one case, that was on purpose. virginia hall was one of the ally's most important satisfies. she recruited resistance fighters, directed them to the allied invasion, wreckude 12 fellow agents out of an internment camp and did it all with a peg leg. you kidding me? i take a sick day when i stub my toe. the enemy called her want most dangerous spy. but she was known as the limping lady of leon, and she gathered
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intelligence from nuns to brothel owners-- basically anyone who spanks men with a ruler. she was truly a master of espionage, like james bonds without all the pouting and s.t.d.s. it wasn't all sunshine and jet fuels for women veterans. the families of the women who died while serving didn't get survivor or burial expenses and the women who made it through the war didn't get veteran status until the late 70s. if you're not an official veteran, your dog doesn't get excited when you surprise him by coming home. barely even looks up. so this veterans day, we salute the women who kept america safe. they paved the way for all the brave women fighting today. and the ones who will fight in the future. once the robot apocalypse kicks off. and they also inspired me to avoid the line for the women's bathroom. >> trevor: thank you so much, desi. when we come back, the legendary will smith will be joining me, right here, on the show.
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stick around. (rapping) hah i do what i want when i want it i buy my own rocks and i flaunt it stunnin', you know i'm a diamond, honey wow, i'ma celebrate this feeling feeling elevated, gotta celebrate it you know that unstoppable feeling every single time that i walk in the building ♪ walk in bold, eyes on me ♪ ♪ raining down like diamond rings, everyday ♪ (rapping) i be shinin', what you know about it? no way around it, yeah
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as a dj, i know all about customization. that's why i love liberty mutual. (rapping) i be shinin', what you know about it? they customize my car insurance, so i only pay for what i need. how about a throwback? ♪ liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty ♪ only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty ♪ at chipotle, real food always starts with real ingredients in real kitchens. when you order chipotle, real food starts with you. whether it's in restaurant, pick up or delivery. however you chipotle, is the easiest way to chipotle.
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(laughing) did i do that? (laughing) every time. shh. you think she's still awake? don't worry. stealth mode? yeah. (shh shh shh) don't pta meetings end at 9? -ran late -got lost... what'd you guys talk about? -libraries -maps fine. you can drive to practice this weekend. (laughing) that was easy. what! i mean, i love you guys. the lexus rx: built for modern families.
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"the daily show." my guest tonight is an academy award-nominating actor, producer, and musician. he go by the name will smith, and he is here to talk about his film "king richard," and his new memoir. >> you can go check in the cupboards. maybe check under the beds to make sure there are no monsters. >> it's a little wet for practice, don't you think. don't the girls have school work to do? >> they did their homework. they're first in their class. >> girls, special civilization. >> mr. williams-- williams, thiy not necessary. >> you want to check on the kids, let's check on the kids! >> trevor: will smith, welcome to the show. >> oh, good to have-- good to be here, man. >> trevor: did you enjoy watching that? >> oh, my goodness, richard williams, man. he is such a unique and powerful man.
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he is-- he is so many different things. and you love him or hate him, you know. but his-- his daughters and his family just-- they revere this man. and that was the thing that was so interesting to me because he's been vilified and villainized publicly. but the love in his family is spectacular. >> trevor: there is something to playing somebody in a way that doesn't provide a caricature of them, but shows you their character. >> yes. >> trevor: and that's what i really enjoyed about this film. we often hear about dads who are like ultracompetitive, they want their kids to succeed at all costs. before i watched the movie, i didn't know the full extent of richard williams. i knew venus and serena. i was like he is one of those dads. but he wasn't. >> no. >> he was trying to create excellence but he did it in a unique way. >> he did it in a very unique way and it was so different from
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what i expected him to be. hundreds of hours of film and audio on him. >> trevor: wow, wow, wow. >> i was able to track him over almost two decades of interviews and things like that and his book, and his entire family was involved with the process. and i asked venus, i was like, "what did-- what did he do?" and she said it was almost like a jedi mind trick, right. because he never pushed them to play tennis. when they were in trouble, their punishment was that they couldn't play tennis. >> trevor: right. >> and they would be itching and scratching and clawing, "please, daddy, let us play. please, let's practice." and he had figured out a way that, you know, tennis was fourth or fifth on the list of their family priorities. >> trevor: wow. >> they were using tennis to cultivate family and to cultivate, you know, human
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beings to go into the world and serve. >> trevor: we've seen you play real people in films. you know, we've watched you on these journeys, you know, whether it's ali, whether "pursuit of happiness." we see you inhibit people's lives. we see you inhint who they are. and i wonder how much of them now sticks with you. do you feel like you're part family now? >> yes, absolutely. it's-- you know, serena walked on to the set, you know, and i was fully in character, and she was like, "dad?" ( laughter ) but, you know, it's-- you know, when you do these types of thingses that are about people's lives, and it wipes away every other desire, other than wanting to please the family. if you make a movie about somebody's life, and they don't like it, it is horrific. >> trevor: has that ever happened to you? >> no. you know-- ( laughter ). >> trevor: you say theoretically. theoretically for these other
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actors. >> hypothetically. >> trevor: if you mess it up, if you mess it up, it's bad for you. i'm will smith. >> but i felt like-- i felt like that every time i go in -- >> you feel the weight. >> you feel the weight of it. it's like somebody's life, and you're going to commit it to screen. and venus and serena, they agreed to be executive producers, and they were with the project all the way through. but they were withholding whether or not they were going to put their name on the film until after they saw it. >> trevor: wow! >> you know. >> trevor: that's treasure. >> yeah, that was a lot of pressure. >> trevor: that's pressure. i feel like this story was amplified by your experience with your father. and i say that-- >> oh, for sure. >> trevor: ...having read your book now. you get what i'm saying. congratulations boork by the way. >> thank you, thank you. >> trevor: congratulations. many people can live a really fantastic life. many people can write a agreement book. there are few people who i think can translate a fantastic life into a fantastic book. i think that's what you've done there. >> thank you, man. >> trevor: for real. it's raw. it's confusing to many because--
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you say it in the book-- will smith consists of two people-- the will smith that we all know and love, and the will smith that that character was created to protect. >> protect, absolutely. >> trevor: and yet, what i find is people are reading excerpts from the book and they're like, "will smith wanted to kill his father! will smith and jada were going to break up! his kids were disappointed in him." i'm like are you reading the book. let's start from the beginning. you know what it's like to be railed by a father who is not perfect but pushes you towards perfection. when you were portraying richard williams, were there aspects of you that was maybe understanding your dad under? was there compassion that goes with the disappoint you sometimes felt for him. >> i was working on the memoir while i was doing "king richard." >> trevor: i didn't know that. >> so the picture of myself and my father and richard williams was all blending into, you know, a process of growth and
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evolution and revelation. and a big part of being able to understand richard williams was in my understanding of my father, you know, that-- you know, post-world war ii generation, black man, you know, that knows how to do everything with their hands you know. they got the toolbox and can fix -- >> you're building that wall. >> right, exactly. >> trevor: you're building that wall! >> that was the thing where my father wanted us to be able to do things with our hands. richard williams was very similar in that way. and then the process for me of questioning my own parenting and developing and growing with my own parenting. what i learned and grew into, which was a transformation for me with richard williams, is richard williams was aligned with what his daughtersmented to do. he was following them where they wanted to go, and he was pushing
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them where they already wanted to go. and that was a very subtle but very critical difference that i was able to, you know, make that adjustment in my parenting. >> trevor: the book "will" i would say is one of the most-anticipated and yet unexpected memoirs that has ever come out. because for so long, you've been an enigma. >> yeah. >> trevor: you know. >> man, you can't say that on tv! ( laughter ) are you crazy? you're an enigma, too. ( laughter ). >> trevor: but for real, you've been the guy who is, like, like it's will smith, but we see you in the black suit. we see flashing eyes. we see you running down the bridge with the shirt open. >> in slo-mo, too, with the cape billowing. >> trevor: you know what i mean? >> yeah. >> trevor: we know that will smith. and we see you at the premiere, and it's you and jada. upon it's the kids and everything. it feels like there's been
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literally a.d. and b.c. period in your life. there's before will reveals himself and everything we're living in now. >> yup, yup. >> trevor: and the book feels like that. you know, it feels like you've gone, "all right, i'm going to take you behind the scenes." >> i take you behind the scenes, absolutely. >> trevor: which we've done in movies but never done with your life. >> a big parent of my motivation was i felt like i have experienced enough and reflected enough and, you know, suffered enough that my advice could be valuable. >> trevor: okay, okay. >> right? so the things that i now understand were, you know, cultivated in the battlefield. >> trevor: right, right, survival. >> yeah, survival. when i'm talking about something, i'm not talking about theory. i'm talking about tested experience. so i feel like-- and not that
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who i was wasn't true. you know, that is-- that is true. it's just not the whole story. >> trevor: yeah. >> and so for me, i just wanted to take the filter off for i guess two reasons. one, i thought-- it's more helpful. >> trevor: right. >> for somebody who wants to build their life or somebody who wants to follow and do some of the things that i've done. it's more helpful if i tell you the truth. right? >> trevor: i like that. >> you know. and then the other part of it is i get to be more free. it's like a whole weight is lifted that i don't have to be perfect. that i'm allowed to be imperfect. i'm allowed to put on 30 pounds during the pandemic, you know. i'm allowed to do all of that. and, you know, there's a certain emotional invince iblth that is
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being cultivated that i just love. i love not being swayed by people's opinions. >> trevor: when you talk in the book-- i love that you've been careful to tell your storys. i know this from writing my books. i tukd my mom, i was like, "are you cool with me writing this?" these are my stories or stories you can find in the press. i'm not telling anybody else's story. you have been respectful of jada. do you guys fight about it that way. do you go, "you can't say that there." or "how can you say that there?" or do you feel you have to negotiate where the boundary exists? >> so what i did was a two-week book camp right before i finished the book. so i had written it. and i called everybody i talk about in the book and brought them down to miami and for two weeks, i read everybody every word that i said about them. and it was a-- an extremely
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powerful therapy session going through this stuff. >> trevor: wow. >> my mother and i had never talked about my-- my father's abuse. >> trevor: wow. >> and it was the first time -- >> you guys have never talked-- >> we have never talked about it. we had never-- not one time. i was 52 at the time. >> trevor: this is wild, will. >> and i read her the chapter, and that was the first time that we ever-- we ever discussed it. >> trevor: and she said go ahead. >> yeah, you know, first of all, she was shocked. she couldn't believe that my young mind had processed it. >> trevor: oh, wow. >> in that way. but it was so cathartic, and reading everything. and, you know, i got through a couple of chapters with jada, and, you know, she-- she said, "i want you to tell your story. i don't want to dilute what your experience was." she said-- of course i was having a completely different
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experience. >> trevor: right, right. >> but she said, i want you to be free to tell your story." >> trevor: this relates to, like, everything that the media consumes. there's an element of, it's almost like a piranha fish syndrome that happens online. once there's blood in the water, they want to keep at it like knawing at the bone. they take jailedda's words out of context. they write headlines that don't match what the people are saying. i get angry because i'm like, "that's not what you said." you know what i mean. as a couple you have to protect yourself because you're a couple. any family unit does. is there a part of you that goes, we're going to shut this down. we're not going to say anything. or do you take a different approach? this is what we're doing and how we're going to do it? >> there's nothing to really protect ourselves from. right. it's like -- >> the malice-- >> the malice- -- >> none of that-- >> that only speaks to other
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people's level of consciousness and a lack of loving kindness on their part that doesn't say anything about us. >> trevor: okay. >> right? so our job as a couple and our job as individuals is to purify our hearts as much as we possibly can to never do that to other human beings. >> trevor: i hear you. >> to not add to the chaos, and to not add to the darkness and to figure out as much as possible to only add love and hopefully understanding to the pot. i embrace it as a part of my job in this world to provide whatever medicine, whatever elixir i possibly can. and not even thinking about that person as somehow beneath me. no. you'll see in these pages, i got some purifying to do myself. >> trevor: before i let you
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go, this is a book. >> yes, that's a book. >> trevor: a book means a movie is coming. >> oooh! >> trevor: that's how it works. >> that's how it works. since when? hold on. >> trevor: that's how it's always worked. >> mure making up things now. >> trevor: that means somebody has to play will in the movie. >> yes. >> trevor: who is playing will? >> if you're willing to get a fade, it's you. >> trevor: don't tempt me, will smith. >> your hair is pretty right now. >> trevor: i already got some of the ears. you can't see it behind the 'fro. this man is plaig with my emotions. >> i appreciate you man. >> trevor: "king richard" will be in theaters and hbo max november 19, and this memoir "will" is available right now. we're going to ta it's another day. and anything could happen. it could be the day you welcome 1,200 guests and all their devices. or it could be the day there's a cyberthreat. only comcast business' secure network solutions give you the power of sd-wan
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and advanced security integrated on our activecore platform so you can control your network from anywhere, anytime. it's network management redefined. every day in business is a big day. we'll keep you ready for what's next. comcast business powering possibilities. it's another day. and anything could happen.
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a red nose, that's not rudolph. that (bleep) got covid. now, here it is, your moment of zen. >> just this week, big bird from "sesame" street indoctrinate rinating our five-year-olds and the giant pigeon spoke about how it felt to get the shot. a decade ago, when i called out kermit, that green monster commie. miss piggy, if you or your emasc lapted frog boyfriend, kermit, ever want to join this desk, it's free. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪
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♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ ♪ timmy, timmy, leh-bah-la timmy ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - okay, children, step off the bus and form a group next to the nice redneck. i mean, rancher. - hello, boys and girls, my name is rancher bob. - let's all say hello to rancher bob. - [unenthusiastic] hi, rancher bob. - i'm pleased to show you all the wonderful world of beef. follow me. - city kids get to go to museums for field trips. we get cow farms. - now, out here you can see our cattle. this is where the magic begins as the cows eat, sleep, and prepare for certain death. - they look so delicious. - and here we have the slaughterhouse. this is where we turn the cows into steaks and burgers! all: eww! - aw, dude! - anybody want a free sample? - me, me, me, me! - and in here, boys and girls, we have our veal ranch. [sad music plays]
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you see, with veal, the whole key is keeping the cows chained so they can't walk around or get any exercise. that way, their muscle tissue stays soft and makes for tender veal. - wait a minute, veal is little baby cows? - yepper! - then why the hell do they call it "veal"? - well, if we called it "little baby cow" people might not eat it. - yeah, i wouldn't have! - me neither. - oh, man, look at that one! it looks delicious! - what? - mmm, succulent and juicy... can we have a free sample of these too? - well, no, but all these veals are going to the slaughterhouse tomorrow morning. they'll be steaks by the afternoon, and then you can buy them at your grocery store. - all right! - tomorrow morning? dude, we gotta help them. - yeah. [knocks on glass] - psst-- cartman. - no, uncle jesse, no! - cartman, wake up! - what? what the hell are you guys doing? - come on, we gotta go! - where we going? - we're gonna go save the little baby cows, fat-ass.
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- what, why? - they're gonna get slaughtered, butthole! - so? - so we can't let 'em die, douche bag. you're our friend. now come help us. - well, let's see, in the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fat-ass, butthole, and douche bag. i really don't feel much like your guys' friend. - we're sorry, you are our friend. we need you to help us because friends stick together. - wait, i thought you said we needed him because he has the mission: impossible breaking and entering playset? - damn it, butters, will you shut up? - oh ho! so you need me and my mission: impossible breaking and entering playset. - yes, we do. we're those little baby cows' only hope. will you help us? - yes, yes, i will. if kyle will kiss my black ass. - what? - just give it a little kiss, and i'll help. - screw you, cartman! - okay, but if you want my help, you have to give it just a little kiss. kiss it. - go on, dude, it's the only way. - no! - kiss it. come on, kiss it! - just do it really fast and we can go. - have butters kiss it! - no, it has to be kyle. [farts] - ohhh! - [howling laughter] oh, man, that was so awesome! - sick, i felt it on my face! - okay, very funny, cartman, now come on.
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- hey, i'm not going with you. - yaaa! [mission: impossible theme] - i don't know about this, fellas. it says right on the mission: impossible breaking and entering playset: "not for actual breaking and entering. breaking and entering is a crime." - yeah, well, killing little helpless baby cows should be a crime too. how does this thing work, cartman? - jesus, don't you guys have any toys? first you put on the black ski mask. then use the torch to cut a hole in the roof. - okay, that's far enough, i'm going to go delta. - you have to talk louder, i forgot the double-a batteries for the super talk playaction headset. - i said that's far enough! [sad moo] don't be scared, little baby cow, we're here to set you loose. there you go, you're free! run away! go, they're gonna murder you! - stan, could you hurry it up? i'm freezing my ass off. - you need to freeze some of your ass off. - oh, at least i have an ass, jew!
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- what? - come on, you stupid baby cows! you have to get out of here! - what's the matter? - they aren't leaving! - see? maybe they want to become sweet, juicy veal steaks. - hey, they've never been allowed to walk before. they just don't know how. - oh, yeah, they're too weak to move. we've got to get them out of here. we'll just keep them at butters' house until they can get their strength back. - no, no, no, no, no! i can't bring calves into my house, i'll get grounded. - okay, fine, butters, i guess you're not a team player. we'll bring them to my house. - dude, how are we gonna move 23 calves to your house? - i don't know. - i've got it! we could kill butters, and then float the calves on a river of blood. - don't be stupid, cartman! butters doesn't have that much blood in him. - yeah, i do, too! - we're just gonna have to carry them one by one. come on you, guys! - ehh! check it out, you guys, i'm calf curling.


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