tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central November 18, 2021 11:00pm-11:45pm PST
- what...? - i couldn't find your ipod. just give me a couple days... be out of your hair. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> trevor: does anyone celebrate apple here? ( laughter ) no, no one who observes apple? apple made big news. they announced starting next year they're going to allow people to fix their own phones now, which is huge. yeah, people are super excited. like, "yes, finally, i can fix my phone." which shows you how smart apple is. like, because now they've just tricked us into fixing or own phones. "yeah, i get to fix-- wait, how do you put the screen on..." have you tried to put a screen cover on your phone, just a screen protector? have you tried to do that.
now you'll be fixing your own phone. apple is like, "you guys try, and we'll see you at the store." you'll have a cracked screen and come in later with, like, 500 pieces, begging to get the new iphone. "pr"please, i don't know what happened, guys. please." it's still a good thing. it's good because now you can get the phone fixed at a professional repair store. you don't have to go to apple. and, also, it means we no longer have to take it to the genius bar. that was the thing i resented the most. those smug people, "i'm a genius." no, you're not. you know how to the the phone and i don't. you have a special screwdriver. i have to call you a genius because you have a screwdriver i don't have. you're just a well-tooled individual. that's not genius. genius can figure quantum things out. screw the phone. "welcome to the genius bar." look at me now, look at me! now i am the genius! >> announcer: coming to you from
the heart of times square, in new york, the only city in america. it's "the daily show." tonight, other countries have issues, too. giving thanks on the cheap. and halle berry! this is "the daily show with trevor noah." >> trevor: hey, what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. let's jump straight into today's headlines. and there is a lot going on today. obviously the new adele album drops at midnight, which means you're about to be able to tell who's going through a breakup through your walls. the judge in the kyle rittenhouse trial took a bathroom break and let kyle be the judge while he was gone, yeah, which i've never seen before, but he insists it's totally normal. and two men who were framed for the killing of malcolm x 50 years ago were finally exonerated, which means the real killer could be anyone in this room.
( whispering ) but while american news is always breaking, it's also good to remember that other countries have news, too. all right, let's kick things off with russia, the fictional country depicted in "creed 2." they're also the real-life country that likes invading other countries, and now they might be back on their bullshit. >> overseas tonight, and the growing concern involving russia. the u.s. is warning russia may be weighing a potential invasion of ukraine. satellite images tonight showing russian troops and equipment gathering about 142 miles north of the border with ukraine. >> despite an estimated 100,000 russian troops gathering along their border, ukrainian forces appear confident and prepared for battle. after years of pushing for membership, the eastern european country is still not a part of nato, meaning they don't have treaty protection if russia invades. although this hasn't stopped the americans, british, and french from offering statements of support.
>> we are going to watch very closely as the russian federation chooses its actions in the coming days and weeks. >> trevor: yeah, that's what i want from my allies, is for them to watch very closely as someone whips my ass. "guys, i'm getting attacked!" i'm getting attacked!" "don't worry. we see you, baby. we watching them land every punch. darnell, you recording right? yeah, we got you!" we got you, boy! if you're ukraine, this situation sucks, because russia are the bad guys, but it doesn't seem like the world is willing to get into a war to protect ukraine. and can i be honest? can i be honest with you? i think it's because people don't have a personal connection to ukraine. like, if russia was invading italy or france, people would do something about it: "oh, no! the art, the coliseum! we have to protect it!" like, if i was ukraine, i would have bought the worldwide rights to all the "seinfeld" reruns. then people would care. ( ukrainian ) "if you don't protect us from russia, you will never again see kramer open door like crazy." also, this is genius timing from
russia. you realize it's not a mistake. because anyone who knows history knows you're not gonna send troops into russia at the beginning of winter. so, basically, russia has like. five months to do whatever they want. the rest of the world is gonna be standing by like, "this will not stand, russia. your ass is gonna pay-- as soon as mid-april rolls around. depends on what the groundhog says." like, why does russia even need more land? have you seen russia? it's already huge! why are you doing this? like, i would get it if monaco wanted to invade another country. they're running out of closet space. but russia? now, while russia is getting ready to invade, another country in europe is setting up a different kind of invasion, because they're not using tanks or missiles. they're using immigrants. >> turning now to the border crisis, this one playing out in europe as thousands of migrants try to enter the european union from belarus. >> these are the front lines of what the european union says it is a hybrid war. the e.u. is accusing belarus' dictator alexander lukashenko of
using migrants as weapons, purposefully luring them into belarus from countries like iraq and syria by promising them easy access to europe, poland then refusing to let them in, belarus refusing to take them back, leaving thousands of people stuck in the middle. >> trevor: man, come on, people, this is just dirty. basically, what's going on is that for a while now, the european union has been imposing sanctions on alexander lukashenko, the dictator of belarus and eastern europe's mypillow guy. and, you see, he's been stealing elections, cracking down on protesters, jailing journalists, basic dictator shit. and now lukashenko is trying to get back at the european union by flying in migrants from the middle east, and then sending them into poland to create a border crisis, which is the most passive aggressive military tactic i have ever heard of. this is like when your parents start cooking with peanuts to get you to move out of the house because they know you're allergic. it's a dick move.
and, honestly, everyone is really mad about this, not just because it's inhumane to these migrants, but because, unlike ukraine, we can't let anything happen to poland. i mean, that's where all our water comes from. because you realize, people, this is especially cruel. it's especially cruel to these migrants. these are real people who are just trying to live better lives. it's disgusting to use them as weapons. i mean, say what you will about drake and kanye's beef, but at least they didn't catapult mexicans at each other. but let's move on, because while belarus is trying to destabilize poland, there's another country that's already on the brink of collapse. >> ethiopia, where a brutal year-long conflict has forced millions out of their homeland and is threatening to disintegrate into an all-out civil war. >> rebels from tigray province appear tobe advancing towards the capital, addis ababa. >> two weeks ago, the state department urged all to leave ethiopia.
but with echos of afghanistan, the state department doesn't know or won't say how many americans are in the country. >> last week, the state department did make a point of saying there would be no afghan-style evacuation for americans stuck in ethiopia. they did, however, offer to help them get on commercial flights out. >> trevor: yes, this is tough news for ethiopians, and this is tough news for americans in ethiopia, because in afghanistan, the u.s. government staged an all-out airlift. meanwhile, in ethiopia, they're like, "might we suggest priceline.com?" like, i don't even know what means? what do they mean when they say "the state department will help you book a commercial flight out." that's not helpful! people know how to book flights. that's like going, "hey, do you need a ride? happy to help. so what you're gonna do is open uber on your phone, then hit 'request a ride.' best of luck!" also, flying commercial is the worst way to evacuate a war zone. can you imagine the stress? ( guy ) "please, please, the soldiers are coming.
we need to get on now!" ( on megaphone ) "sir, are you a diamond medallion member? okay, please step aside. anyone in group "a" or above, we're aboarding you now. please, just relax, please stand back. you know who this is a great opportunity for, though? alexander lukashenko. ( russian ) i bet he's already sliding into american d.m.s like, "i can hook you up with free private flights to the polish border. interested?" but you gotta feel for ethiopians, because anytime their country is in the news, it is either because of war or famine, or some long-distance runner broke the world record, which are all pretty extreme things, if you think about it. i think we need more coverage of the regular-ass ethiopians who can't run, don't know how to fight, and just wanna chill! now, please understand, this is a really complicated and sensitive story, because for about a year now, the government has been at war with a rebel group. but that's like the simplified version, because there are so many layers of this conflict that we just don't have the time to do it justice. this is a huge beef with a history that goes back decades
involving rival ethnic groups, different territories, foreign interference, because african conflicts are never simple. they're super complicated, and everyone has a different version of events. they're basically like white people conflict, but with more seasoning. so from russia's military to migrants in belarus and armies in ethiopia, people everywhere are on the move. meanwhile, in india, the only place people might be moving to is back inside. >> smothered by smog, a toxic haze hanging over new delhi, and it is raising the level of air pollution to dangerous levels. schools in the indian capital have shut their doors until further notice, and private construction banned at least for now. >> india's environmental ministry pannel on air pollution has directed delhi and other states to encourage private offices to allow work from home, but for street vendors, staying home is not an option. >> (translated): the pollution is unbearable. the government must take some steps.
we are forced to work, because we can't stay indoors forever. >> for now, delhi's residents will be inhaling this toxic air, which, according to a report by the university of chicago, is 10 times worse in northern india than anywhere else in the world. >> trevor: goddamn. did you hear that? the air in new delhi right now is 10 times worse than anywhere else in the world. that means you'd be better off just sticking your face in that steam that comes out of the ground in new york city. which, by the way, what is that shit? is something on fire down there? i've lived here for many years and i don't understand that. is someone dry cleaning a rat? feels worth looking into, no. just me. one detail i like from this story is that the indian government put together an "environmental ministry panel on air pollution," who confirmed that the air was, indeed, polluted. you don't need a panel. i don't know why they did that. i don't know why governments do
that. you need eyes. ( indian ) yes, after 3 years of study, we have concluded that delhi's air is brown and that this is... bad. but, you see, this is a great example of why we all need to move to cleaner energy. because, yes, it's expensive to do, but it's also hela expensive to constantly shut down the economy when your city turns into that sandstorm from "dune." except this time, timothee chalamet isn't there to make you feel better with that smile. and you might be like, "trevor, why don't they just start carpooling in india?" my man, they're way ahead of you and it's still not enough. it's actually a really rough spot for india because, as a nation, you want to keep modernizing, you want to keep growing, but the fallout of the effects make it so you can't even enjoy the fruits of modernization. it's someone who gets really into crossfit to help them attract women, but then they push everyone away because they can't stop talking about the fact that they joined crossfit. now those abs are useless! and you wouldn't be able to tell from this story, but new dehli is one of the most beautiful places in the world.
i mean, this is what it looked like last year after months of lockdown and the smog dissipating. now it's back to looking like it's stuck on the sepia filter. all right, but let's move on to our final international story. and like most things in the world, this story was made in china. >> the royalty of professional tennis expressing concern about the welfare of one of their own. >> honestly, it's shocking that she's missing. >> peng shuai, a chinese tennis champion, hasn't been seen or heard from in weeks. in early november, peng published this bombshell post on her chinese social media account, an open letter to a former top communist leader named zhang gaoli, now age 75, who peng accuses of sexually assaulting her after the two had an affair. shortly after the controversial post, peng's online profile more or less disappeared. >> until recently, peng shuai was one of the biggest tennis stars in china. but look what happens when you
try to search for people with her name in the chinese internet. you get the message, "no results found." censors have all but scrubbed this woman from the chinese internet. >> now today, a new twist, with chinese state media releasing this email purportedly written by peng to the head of the women's tennis association. it completely disavows the previous allegations of sexual assault, adding, "i'm not missing, nor am i unsafe," and, "i hope chinese tennis will become better and better." >> trevor: yo, this is really disturbing. someone speaks out about sexual assault, and then china's government makes them disappear? and then they release some bullshit email pretending like everything's fine? because, come on, people, that email from the tennis star was as legit as the letters i got from my "supermodel girlfriend" in fifth grade.
"she's coming next year, guys. i swear!" and this is what makes china so terrifying. like, if you're on their good side things are great. but if you try to tell the truth about how china is a-- what the hell was that? i'm not even in china! look, man, it's one thing for your government to come after you. it's another thing for them to just make you never exist. i mean, they scrubbed the internet of anything about her. do you know how hard it is to get stuff off the internet? only china can do that. in fact, if you have embarrassing pictures online or problematic tweets, just move to china and talk shit about the communist party. yeah, they will clean up your reputation in no time. i mean, yeah, you'll be locked in the basement someplace, but, hey, at least you didn't get canceled. and this really puts into perspective when people in america complain about being censored by big tech: "aw, twitter took down my tweet. this is a tyranny!"
guys, peng shuai literally does not exist on the internet anymore. like, yeah, maybe trump can't tweet right now, but you can still google him. trust me, just yesterday i searched for "donald trump big butt photos," and i got 80 million hits. and, no, i'm not gonna tell you why i googled that. i like big butts, and i cannot lie. all right, that's all the time we have for international news we have for international news wh
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i think we need a cat. they know us so well. who wants a kitty cat? who wants... you want a kitty cat. thanksgiving is just around the corner, but with the price of groceries these days, a big dinner could be more expensive than buying yeezys for a lamborghini. fortunately, desi lydic has some up with some tips for celebrating thanksgiving on a budget. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> happy thanksgiving, everyone. they say that this year is going to be the most expensive thanksgiving ever. inflation is hitting everything-- groceries, cookeware, decorative gords, even the really ugly bumpy ones. i know i'm tightening my belt this year, but don't worry, you can still have an amazing thanksgiving without breaking the bank. let's start with the turkey. this year, turkey prices are almost double what they were a few years ago. but there are still deals out there, if you know how to shop
smart. for instance, did you know that you can get factory-reject turkeys at butterball outlet stores nationwide. this one only cost $10. and it has three necks, so there's even more to go around. you can also check craigslist for some perfectly good gently used turkeys. now, why should this go to a landfill just because one person already owned it? but if your turkey budget is zero, here's a great hack. you just trace your hand... ♪ ♪ ♪ now we're going to want to do a little beak and some googly eyes. viola! how cute is this little turkey? now, you're going to want to drench this bad boy in olive oil. no one likes a dry turkey. we're going to want to roast this at 400 degrees for about one hour. of course, you can't have turkey without stuffing. but you don't need to take out a second mortgage or start an
"only fans" to pay for all the ingredients that you need. most of us have perfectly good stuffing already right inside our kidss' teddy bears. just going to want to get in there. just going to want to take the stuffing, scoop it out. just shove it in that bird. get it in there, roast it. it's going to soak up all those flavors, and really help the turkey keep its shape. and the best stuffing is right in the face. but let's talk side dishes, because this is where the dollars can really start adding up. one of my favorites is mafned potatoes. they're delicious and i have a simple trick for making a little go a long way. so you just make one mashed potato, chew it up, mmm. mmm. spit it back out. and then you want to just pass is around the table for everyone
to enjoy. they're mashed anyway, so it will not affect th the texture r flavor at all. what about drinks? most of the grown-ups at the table are probably going to want a nice glass of wine, especially when uncle steve starts talking about qanon. but that can get expensive fast. forlt natalie, you can get the same pleasant buzz at a fraction of the price with paint thinner. ♪ ♪ ♪ mmm! i'm detecting notes of my garage and just a hint of the previous owners of my house who left this behind when they moved. this also pairs well with the hallucinations. hallucinations. now, to the most important part of the meal: dessert. pumpkin pie can get expensive, whether you're making it from
scratch, buying it from the store, or buying it from the store and saying you made it from scratch then carrying the stham and guilt of that lie for the rest of your life. but why spend money when we already have so much pumpkin spice stuff around the house? like this scented candle i got from my secret santa three years ago. it's an absolute garbage gift, but wait until you taste it in a dessert. just cook it at-- i don't know-- 200, 500? honestly, it doesn't even make a difference because as you can see, it comes out... perfect every time. mmmm! ( crunching ) for all of you thinking about holiday weight gain, wax is not digestible, so no worries there. comes out the same as it goes
in. ( slowing music ) am i a turkey? finally, if you really want to save money on thanksgiving, just remember the original spirit of the holiday and do what the pilgrims did-- steal. they stole food, land, even valuables from native american graves. so why not take a page from history and steal whatever you need? ♪ ♪ ♪ hey, with christmas around the corner, go ahead and steal whatever you want for that, too. look, i'm santa. ho-ho-ho. oh! my paper turkey's ready ( alarm buzzing ) yum! oh, shit, shit! ( coughing ) evacuate! evacuate!
>> trevor: all right, when we come back, the one and only halle berry will be joining me halle berry will be joining me in the studio, s ♪ ♪ ♪i put in the work all day i put in the work all day♪ ♪them man are doing this thing part time♪ ♪no i'm doing this thing all day♪ ♪i put in the work all day i put in the work all day♪ ♪look, no i don't care what you think or say♪ ♪i put in the work all day♪ ♪ ♪ ♪i put in the work all day♪ ♪ 7-night adventures from $399. book yours today. come seek the royal caribbean (laughing) did i do that? (laughing) every time. shh. you think she's still awake? don't worry. stealth mode? yeah.
>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is oscar, emmy and golden globe winning actor, halle berry. she's here to talk about making her directorial debut in the new film, "bruised." >> aaaah! just sit! in five seconds, four... three... two ( whistle blows ) >> trevor: halle berry. >> was rough. >> trevor: it looked rough. it looked extremely rough. welcome to the show. >> thank you, thank you. i'm so happy to be here. >> trevor: i'm happy to have you here. i'm not going to lie, i was-- i was genuinely surprised in such a fun way watching this movie because i've seen you kick ass in a lot of films.
i've seen you act your heart out in so many films. but i don't know why, for me, this movie felt like a culmination of everything coming together. you know, it was halle berry the fighter, it was halle berry the actress feeling pain, showing moments of joy. it felt like it was a culmination of a lot of you as a human being. congratulations on your directal debut. what was that like? >> thank you. wow, it's funny you said that because you know what? i felt that way, too. and being at the helm and being in charge, i could put all of that into the movie. i could play to, you know, not only my strengths but to the strengths of all the characters. >> trevor: i can only imagine. >> all the actors, so, yes. >> trevor: the story has such a fascinating dping. this was a story that wasn't originally written for you. >> no. >> trevor: it went out i think to blake lively, and people were like, "it's this irish catholic white woman and a story of a 20-something-year-old scrappy u.f.c. fighter." and you saw the story and said i think there's a different way to tell the story. >> the idea came because i
desperately wanted to play the character. i was a boxing fan since i was a kid. i was an avid m.m.a. fan, especially of all the women in the sport. when i read it, i thought this is the kind of role i would kill for. it's meaty. it's juicy. i get to use all of my physicality. except it wasn't written for somebody like me, so that was the impetus to rewrite it. i told my agent, if blake decides not to do this can you let me give the producers my pitch on how and why i think a reimagining would be in order. i feel like, based on where we are in the world and "time's up" and "me too" and we as black women and people are arriving to, it's time we get a chance to tell our stories from our own point of view through our lens. i said if we're going to remake a fight movie, they've been made by the greats, some of the best movies-- "rocky" and "fight club," and "million dollar baby." if we're going to redo it, the only reason to do it is to have
a fresh new point of view, something we have never seen. we have never seen a black female fighter, especially from a black female director. >> trevor: definitely, definitely. >> right, so. it was new. there was a reason to do it. >> trevor: and you it also feels like it comments on so many things. as a fan of u.f.c., i'm sure you know what it feels like on the inside. i've talked to some of the female fighters in the u.f.c., where they go, man we feel like we have to be so much more brutal to get acknowledged. we feel we have to fight so much harder to maintain our spot in that octagon. they do get the respect, but they really, really, really have to work towards it. it feels like it's no different in hollywood, is that a woman in hollywood, especially a black woman in hollywood, you have to fight so much harder to be recognized. >> yes. >> trevor: ien moo, everything would think halle berry wins the oscar and this is it. it seems this is going to be the end of your life you get to do whatever you like. you have had to continue working hard to fight for what you want to do in the industry. >> true. one of the big misconceptions is when i won that oscar somehow
the script truck backed up to my door. no truck came. my fight didn't really get any easier. i still had to face that i was a black woman in an industry and there was no real way for me that had been paved. i had to figure that out for myself. as with wfighting, she told me havinger had her female fighters when she went to a venue, she would have to pay to come to a venue. where with the male fighters, they would pay them. it is indelibly harder for women across the board, and especially in the fight game. >> trevor: the movie was-- it's brutal, is the best way to put it. and it's brutal in the way life is brutal is the way i see it. >> yes. >> trevor: and i couldn't help wondering as halle berry, the aactress have you always felt yu are always fighting to keep your career where you want it to be as opposed to people deciding when and where you come. you come from a generation where, let's be honest, you're 40 and it's over for you. it seems like the fight is
working and changing that perspective. >> theoretically, i should have been done a decade ago. as a woman i feel like that. i have toep coo fighting and reinventing and proving that there's still more left for me to do. do. and i actually feel that there's more left for me to do. i am still inspired by this craft. i still love what i do. i i want to keep challenging myself and keep growing. upon i want to see how long can stay in this physical shape and do these kinds of movies. >> trevor: right, right. >> but i want to try new things, you know. i want to take new risks. >> trevor: how long can you stay in this physical shape? you broke how many ribs in this movie? >> two. >> trevor: i remember distinctly, because i'm a big fan, "john wick" you broke ribs as well. >> three. >> trevor: three ribs. >> so i'm getting better. >> trevor: it's still five ribs in total. that's a lot of ribs-- same ribs or different ribs? >> different ribs. here's the thing i would like people to know. it's not just oh, halle berry
always gets hurt. when you are a performer who does their own stunt that's parfor the course. every stunt person gets hurt. we don't hear about it and the public doesn't really care. that's their job. when a performer gets hurt it becomes a big deal because most performers don't do their own stunts so they don't get hurt. i get this bad rap of always getting hurt, always getting hurt. i always demand to do my own stunts. >> trevor: with "john wick" they paused production. this is a smaller, independent film, and you're directing it, and you decided, i broke ribs. i'm going to keep fighting in the movie. i can barely carry on if i stub a toe. let's pause production? >> but you're a man. >> trevor: that is true. i have bigger toes. that's when you're saying. >> women have higher tolerance for pain. >> yes. >> that's why we have the children. >> trevor: i go, halle berry is a bad ass. you're breaking ribs, you're in these fight scenes, you're doing
these things. like, you had to learn how to fight again for this. you learned-- you learned martial arts for ""x" men." >> more for "catwoman." that was all a part of bringing that cat-- it was low to the ground. it was signuey. >> what other martial arts? >> i did boxing and kick boxing. >> the tiquando, jujitsu. >> trevor: jujitsu is so hard. it's all clothes and fingers and getting knocked in the face. why would cow this? >> it was so fun. i was a gymnast as a kid. i was supposed to be sibone biles. but simone became simone. not me. that was my dream to go to the olympics and win a gold medal some day in gymnastics. >> trevor: that could be your next film. or you could make a film with simone biles. >> maybe, i could be the oldest woman to win a gold medal.
>> trevor: anything can happen in this day and age. your story is one you're continuing to write. what did you like about directing that has been different? you have been on this side of the lens for a long time. there must have been something new you discovered about what you loved about buying on the other side of the camera. >> i think what i loved most is i got to have this idea in my head and i got to shape it and form it and reshape it and reform it, and i got to sort of bring to the screen pretty much exactly what i had in my head. and i was worried that i wouldn't be able to do that. because we had such a low budget. >> trevor: right. >> and while my days kept getting cut and i kept losing money left and right-- it's hard in the independent world-- what i loved was that as a black woman, i got a story out of my body that was true to my gaze, that was true to my community, that was true to my race, to my sex, that all of it felt like an amalgamation of all the three years that i worked on this. i got to tell a true point of view about a sport from a female point of view. and had i not been myself, i
don't know if that would have happened because i loved the sport and i also loved the drama of it at the same time. so i tried to put equal emphasis on both elements. >> trevor: well, i'll tell you this, you did a fantastic job. >> thank you. >> trevor: i think you had a lot of fun making it. it's a lot of fun watching it. thank you so much for joining me on the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: "bruised" is in select theatres now and will be available on netflix november 24th. okay, we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. with xfinity home, you can keep your home and everything in it more protected. i can wrangle all my deliveries. thanks, hoss! and i help walk the dog from wherever. *door unlocks* ♪ ♪ well, i can bust curfew-breakers in an instant. well, you all have xfinity home, with cameras to home security monitored by the pros. *laughs* learn more about home security or get our self-monitored solution starting at just $10 per month.
if you want to support them in their work this thanksgiving, donate at the link below. also, if you're in grand rapids michigan, or chicago this weekend, my "back to abnormal" comedy tour is going to be in your city. and if you're in seattle, portland, or kennewick, washington, next weekend, i'm coming to you! head to backtoabnormaltour.com get your tickets. until next time, stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember: on thanksgiving, start a political fight right after the turkey. that way, everyone will be distracted while you get all the dessert. now, here it is, your moment of zen. >> i guess the muppets are getting to me, man. after spreading their communist-inspired covid propaganda last week, they unveiled an asian muppet. i'm not sure what this muppet is supposed to portray. muppets, i didn't think they had personalities. what race are bert and ernie. the count, he's has an accent, but he's purple. and you, kermit.
still waiting to debate you. step up to the plate, froggy! - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ ♪ timmy, timmy, live-a-lie, timmy ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ [all giggling] - shut up, you guys. shut up. [phone ringing] hello, "chitty wok", take order, please. [all laughing] - hello, is this city wok? - yes, this chitty wok. - yes, we'd like one order of the city beef. - chitty beef. [all laughing] - and i'll have the city chicken.
- chitty chicken. [laughing] - oh dude, look, it's that commercial with the guy that lost 400 pounds eating at subway sandwiches. - ♪ he's still looking good ♪ ♪ his name is jared ♪ ♪ his name is jared ♪ ♪ and he likes to eat the sandwiches ♪ - well, hey, fellas. - hey, kenny. - now, gosh darn it, my name's not kenny. kenny's dead, and you're all gonna have to learn to deal with that. - okay, not-kenny. - hey, south park! you can meet jared in person march 6th at the kenny mccormack memorial town square. - oh, boy, jared's coming to town. - dude, that's today! - we gotta get down there. come on, not-kenny. - now, gosh darn it, my name's not not-kenny. - okay, come on, not-not-kenny. - i'm getting steamed now. - ohh, chitty wok, chitty wok! i take order, please. - excuse me, can we get through here? - hell, no, i've been saving this spot for six hours. ♪ his name is garrison mr. garrison ♪ ♪ he lost 10 pounds taking jared's lead ♪ - here he comes! - ♪ he's still looking good with all those sandwiches ♪
- thank you all so much. you know, after a year of eating delicious sub sandwiches, i've proven weight loss is easy. and i promise you, i will always be your faithful leader in easy weight loss. - all right! - that guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted and lost weight. he is so cool. [knocking] - mr. fogle, some fans wanted to see if you'd sign their sandwich. - sure, let them in. hi, kids. - wow, jared. - dude, did you really lose all that weight eating nothing but sub sandwiches? - i sure did. well, i also had a little help on the side. - what kind of help? - well, eating sub sandwiches was a big part of it. but the way that i lost so much weight was that i got aides. - a-aids? - that's right, i got aides about two years ago, and i've been losing weight ever since. it's amazing how slim you can get with aides. - i'll bet you can. - would you like to meet them? - them? - my aides. scott, tyler!
scott is my personal trainer, and tyler is my dietitian. - hello! - hello! - oh! a-i-d-e-s, aides. - yeah, hooray for aides! - well, that's not really what you say in the commercial. - i know; you kind of have to read the fine print at the bottom of the screen. it says i only ate a half-size lean turkey sandwich with no mustard or mayo or anything like that. and then had proper diet and exercise aides. - but you're lying to people. if they knew that you didn't just eat all the sandwiches you want, you might not be so popular. - you think so? why should it matter? - it matters, dude. - hmm. - that penis-butt didn't lose weight eating sub sandwiches. he lost weight because he ate less of them and exercised. - yeah, it's only in america somebody can become famous just because they go from being a big fat-ass to not being a big fat-ass. - oh my god, you guys-- i think i'm having a genius moment. yes, yes, it's coming to me now. - is that-- that's diarrhea. - no. don't you see what this all means? anybody could do what he did. what's to stop someone else from going to say, city wok, and cutting a deal with them, say they'll eat nothing but their chinese food, but then eat only a little tiny bit of it and exercise?
- then city wok could say their food makes you lose weight. - that's right, stan, it's a cash cow, i tell you. - that's a great idea! - lose weight and make money. i tell you, this is gonna be the greatest thing that butters has ever done. - me? - who do you think i'm talking about, butters, joyce dewitt? - oh, no, i thought you meant you. you're the fat one. - i can't lose weight, butters, because i'm not fat, i'm big boned. you can't slim down bones, stupid. - but butters isn't fat. - that's my whole point. first, we fatten him up. then we make the deal with city wok. then, take the weight back off. - he's right; if butters is naturally skinny, he'll be able to take the weight off faster. - but, fellas, if i get fat, my parents will ground me. - oh, come on, just think about how famous you'll be. - you mean like jared? - yeah, dude, you'll be just like jared. - well, the heck with that, you said jared was a penis-butt. - you wouldn't be a penis-butt, butters, you'd be famous. just think about all those people following you around, singing songs to you just 'cause you lost some weight. - ♪ his name is butters it's butters ♪ - ♪ used to be fat but not no more ♪ - ♪ city wok brought him down to a size four ♪ - ♪ now he's got lots of moneys and girls ♪ ♪ and a lifetime of free food at city wok ♪ - wow. - christine, you know i love you very much