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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  December 10, 2021 1:15am-2:00am PST

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is just like-- i don't know how i feel about revivals. part of me goes this is great because it's nostalgia. but part of me think they're tricking us because of nostalgia. we're going to watch it just because it remind us of something. it doesn't have to be the real story. they could bring back "family matters" and it would be like space aliens. and it would be like, "there's no erkle, but i'll watch to see how it ends. the show brings back memories. did i do that?" it's not the same. it's just not the same. >> announcer: coming to you from the heart of times square, in new york city, the only city in america, it's "the daily show. tonight: the real hunger games. chef jose andres, and lou llobell. this is "the daily show with trevor noah." >> trevor: hey, what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. let's jump right into today's headlines.
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we kick things off with a story out of great britian, the country where "yasss queen" originated. when the covid pandemic first swept the world in 2020, the u.k. was one of the countries that was hardest hit, and it responded with a national lockdown. all non-essential stores were closed, public and private gatherings were banned, and megan and harry were forced to socially distance 7,000 miles away. but now we're learning that some of the people who imposed the lockdown weren't obeying it themselves. >> boris johnson is facing fierce criticism this morning. a leaked video shows senior downing street staff joking about a christmas party thrown by the british prime minister during last year's tier-three covid lockdown. >> this video shows aides rehearsing for a briefing four days after the alleged party. >> i've just seen reports on twitter that there was a downing street christmas party on friday night. do you recognize those reports? >> i went home.
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hold on. "umm, errr, ahhhh... >> what's the answer? >> i don't know. >> it wasn't a party. it was cheese and wine. >> is cheese and wine all right? >> it was a business meeting. >> this is recorded. ( laughing ) this fictional party was a business meeting, and it was not socially distanced. >> the insensitive remarks were recorded just days after an alleged christmas celebration at 10 downing street a year ago, a time when covid restrictions in the country banned such gatherings and while britain was battling with overflowing hospitals and rising covid deaths. in parliament, the prime minister addressed the scandal. >> i was also furious to see that clip. ( jeers ) i have been repeatedly assured since these allegations emerged that there was no party-- (jeers) --and that-- and that no covid rules were broken. and that is what i have been repeatedly assured. >> trevor: we saw them practicing the lie and now you
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tell us there was no party. you guys have to believe the thing that we saw is a thing is not a thing. it is a thing. everybody must believe me. you know, boris would be a lot more believable if it didn't look someone just pulled him out of a mosh pit. it's not just boirs. it's like every month we catch another politician breaking their own covid rules. gavin newsom went to that fancy restaurant. the mayor of austin flew to cabo. andrew cuomo kissed that bat. at the same time, i get why they broke covid rules to have that party. i mean, people look forward all year long to the office christmas party. it's the only chance you have to hook up with a coworker, have everybody in the office see it, and then pretend like it never happened. it's like a hall pass from h.r. but the worst part is how they're on video joking about it. i mean, it's one thing to break your own rules. it's another thing to laugh about it. it's yet another thing to videotape it.
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it's like they're trying to win the dumb-ass triathlon. if they manage a scandal that badly, how did they handle the pandemic? what? even worse? total disaster? oh, that makes sense. i do feel bad for them, that this whole thing to come out a year later, because this scandal is happening now, but the video is from a year ago. i'm hir, after the first six or eight months, they probably thought they'd gotten away with it. imagine if you were at work and your eighth grade teacher walked in: "we finally tracked down whose gum that was under the desk, mister! you're getting two weeks detention." >> what, i'm 37?" but let's move on to a politician who never even had the chance to face calls for her resignation: hillary clinton. five years after somehow losing an election to the world's worst person, hillary is hoping that her failures can become a teachable moment for the rest of us. >> hillary clinton, for the first time, sharing the victory speech she hoped to deliver in the 2016 presidential
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election, clinton revisiting the speech as part of a masterclass video being released today on the topic of resilience. >> i've never shared this with anybody. i've never read it out loud. "my fellow americans, today you sent a message to the whole world. our values endure. our democracy stands strong. and our motto remains: e pluribus unum. out of many, one. >> trevor: ooof, that is brutal! and the way she's sitting like that, and she's reading it to us, it's like the world's most depressing fairy tale: "once upon a time, an ogre crushed the dreams of a princess, and nobody lived happily ever after. the end." but, yes, hillary clinton is giving a masterclass on resiliency that's now available everywhere. except in wisconsin, for some reason.
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and in it, she reads the victory speech she never got to deliver. and i really love how she's like, "i've never shared this speech with anybody before. it was too painful. you're paying me how much? oh, well, i guess i could read a few pages." and if this is a thing we're allowed to do and someone pays you to do it, i also have speeches i never got the chance to give. i have it right here: "i'm so honored to be named the m.v.p. of the n.b.a. finals, and just days after being awarded the nobel prize for world's coolest penis." and, look, you have to admit it's a little weird to treat the masters class on the biggest loss of your life. there are plenty of things hillary could teach a masterclass on. she's kicked ass on so many things, the inner workings of congress, international relations or... i don't want to say killing jeffrey epstein.
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i'll say one thing: you'll never see donald trump doing this. he doesn't write backup speeches, because whether he wins or loses, that dude is giving a victory speech. "and my legal team completely destroyed the prosecution. and i won the case! totally won! what? what's that? lights out? okay, night-night, warden. see you guys manana." but let's move on to our top story. it's the holiday season right now. that time of year where sexual harassment is okay if it happens under a houseplant. it's also the time of year where americans gather together with their families to eat as much food as humanly possible. between the thanksgiving turkey and the christmas goose and the new year's... deep-fried... peacock, i don't know, it seems like every day is another excuse for a big meal. i mean, for the whole month, people are basically playing tetris with their stomach. "if i can fit this turkey leg between those two yams, maybe i won't puke." oh, i did it! unfortunately, though, every year there are americans who can't participate in this
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feeding frenzy because, for them, food is hard to come by. and this year, there are more hungry people than usual. >> when covid-19 swept across the u.s. in 2020, the need for emergency food assistance exploded, and that led experts to label hunger as the secondary pandemic. compounding the issue, rising food prices caused by labor shortages, transportation costs, and supply chain disruptions. >> consumer prices have jumped 6.2% since last year, a 30-year high, with the cost of groceries up 5.4% overall. some items, like beef and bacon, surging by more than 20%. >> an average family of four is paying $175 more for groceries per month than they paid last year. >> "feeding america" says 42 million americans, or one in eight, are going to bed hungry this year. >> trevor: you hear that? that's a terrible, terrible, stat: 42 million americans are going
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to bed hungry. and nobody in america should be going to bed hungry. you should be going to bed replaying all the conversations you had all day and over-analyzing if you said anything wrong. plus, going to bed hungry takes all the fun out of your sex dreams. because now a shirtless pizza guy shows up at your door and your mind is like, "aw, yeah. we're gonna eat that pizza." but this is actually a big problem in america. it's called food insecurity, which i know sounds like when a watermelon wears its t-shirt in the swimming pool, but all it means is that people don't know where their next meal is coming from. and, honestly, it makes no sense it makes no sense for a country this rich to have this many hungry people. then again, it makes no sense for a country this rich to have such poor health care, or such poor infrastructure, or such-- actually, are you guys sure america's rich? i'm just saying, is this like a lie you said at a bar once and it kind of spun out of control?" either way, thanks to the pandemic, inflation, and supply
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chain issues, this problem is as bad now in america as its been in decades. and it may not come as a surprise that the groups hit the hardest by food insecurity are the ones that get hit hardest by basically every problem in america: minorities, the elderly, and the disabled. but it turns out this problem is so widespread, that it's also hitting a group you might never expect: the troops. >> reporter: near norfolk air station oceana. you're looking at an american shame: the need to feed military families who can't feed themselves. 160,000 military families fight hunger. >> thank you for your service. >> reporter: especially vulnerable, junior enlisted ranks. almost 30% of them need help. >> the people who serve our country and sacrifice every single day have to go to a food pantry to make sure that their families are fed. >> reporter: among the causes: low wages, frequent moves, high unemployment among military spouses. >> how can they focus on the mission when your family can't even survive?
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>> trevor: yeah, that's right, how can you fight a war if you're hungry. it's never a good sign for your military when everyone is trying to get transferred to colonel sanders's unit. i mean, at a certain point, the you realize the other side doesn't even need weapons to defeat you. they can just hold up a bag of chips. "come join the taliban. we have flamin' hot." but, for real, america spends over $700 billion a year on the military, and its soldiers are going hungry. at the very least, they could make some of those fighter jets edible. half of them can't fly anyway. you might as well deep-fry them! and that's just how bad food insecurity has become in america. usually, when people need help finding a meal, they can turn to their local food bank. but it turns out, food banks are facing the same problems as everyone else. >> food banks across the nation are facing yet another crisis just before the holidays. organizers say supply chain issues and inflation have led to a drop in donations. they say that forced food banks to buy more prices on their own
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at higher prices. and, of course, since the pandemic hit, more people are leaning on them. >> we are basically competing with everybody else as a pantry, right-- supermarkets and the household consumers. >> at el paso is fighting hunger, demand has quadrupled since the pandemic started. and now truckloads of food just aren't showing up to their desert community. >> so we are struggling every day to find adequate supply. and i've never seen anything like this. >> one food bank director told msnbc that her food bank usually has 5,000 turkeys in their freezer this time of year. this number, this november, they had five. >> trevor: damn, five turkeys for thousands of people. even jesus would be like, "well, i do miracles, but..." but, yes, the place that helps people who are struggling to get food is struggling to get food. that's a bad sign. this is like a fire truck being on fire. or a firefighter being stuck up a tree. "just go down the way you came up!"
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go down the way you went up! "i can't. i'm scared!" so right now in america this is a real crisis. and one person helping to solve it, is chef jose andres. his organization, the world central kitchen, is on the front lines fighting against food insecurity, and he joins me now to talk about it. chef andreas, welcome back to "the daily show." >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: let's talk about this issue. it seems like a paradox. and honestly, i think for many people their minds don't seem to grasp-- what the problem is, but how there can be a problem in america. how is it that at least 10% of america's population is food insecure in a country where something like 40% of the food goes wasted? how is this possible? >> so, trevor, this is a conundrum we're facing, not only in america but around the world. the problem of hunger is real. what happened is we don't know people that are hungry, right. because if you and i, we know them, the problem is fairly simple: we share with them what we have, and the problem is
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solved. so hunger is a problem that actually has a very simple solution: let's put democracy, let's put our government, the institutions in the service of making sure that hunger is a problem of the past, because, yes, there's enough food to feed everybody. we need to make sure that food stops being the problem, but food actually becomes the solution of having, you know, a community, a society that keeps looking forward to the future one plate of food at a time. >> trevor: now, have you-- have you come across any specific models that work better than others? i mean, you know, you have been in disaster zones helping people get food, were everywhere from puerto rico to texas. you have been in situation where's people don't have the infrastructure to get the food, so you have to find a way to build that. or there are people who are just food insecure and they don't have the meals but they do have the infrastructure. there is a catch-all that works or does each city and each place need to find something that works for them? what is the solution, from your
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perspective? >> obviously, it's not one solution that covers everything and everywhere. every community will need its own response. but let me show you what we did with world's central kitchen. at the moment the entire restaurant system was shut and done all across america, what we did at world central kitchen is very simple: if you need to stop a fire, you send in firefighters. if you need to feed people, who you should be putting in charge of this-- cooks, restaurants. how many canceled thousands of restaurants we don't have in america. in a moment they were shut down, what world central kitchen did was simple. let's partner with them. we had more than 3,000 restaurants in our system. and let's one restaurant at a time, be feeding the elderly homes, the homeless shelters, the hospitals, whoever was in need of a plate of food. what we did was keep the system working. we put the money that people were giving to us at the service
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of feeding american people. we didn't only solve the problem. we kept the system working. the restaurants could keep employing their cooks. the restaurants could keep paying the rent. the restaurants could keep paying the farmers. what we did was keeping the system wholly, 360 degrees, not only feeding the hungry but maintaining the economy up and running. >> trevor: when you look at the challenges that people face, whether it's food deserts, you know, whether it's trying to find food banks that give people food that is actually good for them, that presents a different challenge. and i know that that's something you're very passionate about. what can we do to improve those conditions for people so that they can eat something that can help them? >> let's take a look at something so simple that does so much good. snap, what people know as food stamps. when a single mother, maybe with three, four, children that works outside the home has to feed their children, with food stamps, she gets the help she needs to make sure she puts food
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on the table as she can take care of education for the children, health issues, they may have, et cetera, et cetera. take a look at what happens. if we only give her money to buy food, and all of a sudden, in the community, that woman lives, she has no supermarket to buy fresh foods, and she has to go 10, 20, 30 minutes away to another community that maybe is a richer community. if all of a sudden we make the federal government supports the ending of food deserts in america, that woman will be able to buy locally with the same money of solving the problem of hunger. we are helping the economy to become more productive, creating jobs, helping that woman to live in a community that actually she's proud of. all of a sudden we don't only end hunger, we don't only end food desert, but we make one community at a time better. this is a way we need to start
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thinking in smarter ways to end hunger. not only use money to solve the problem, but investing in smart solutions that make one community at a time better. >> trevor: i love that. you're just showing how the food chain impacts every single aspect of society. and if we figure that out, we can help to try and impact more parts of society. chef jose, thank you so much for joining me again on the show. good luck with everybody you're doing. at the end of the show we're going to give people information on how they can help with your organization, which may end up helping them one day. so thank you so much for taking the time. >> trevor, thank you. let's all think about building longer tables, not higher walls, and the world will be a better place. >> trevor: thank you so much, chef, have a good one. all right, when we come back, we'll take a look back at everyone who ghosted us in 2021. you don't wanna miss it.
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daily show." 2021 is almost over, and we can all agree that, compared to last year, it's been a perfect year. so for the rest of the month, we'll be remembering all of 2021's best moments in our year-end segment: "a look back at 2021: the least bad year of the last two years." tonight, dulce sloan looks back at all the exits of the year. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> hello, friends!
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2021 was a lot of things, but more than anything, it was a year of exits. everyone was exiting something. people were exiting their jobs, deonty wilder exited consciousness. even bill cosby got out of jail and that was an exit nobody wanted. you might have thought the most expensive exit was bill and melinda's divorce. but you're forgetting one that cost more money than microsoft could think of. >> after 20 years, the u.s. troops have left afghanistan. >> obviously, the end of a chapter for america's forever war. >> the total cost they've estimated is $2.261 trillion. >> damn! 2.61 trillion! i'll have america pay for that on a credit card because those points will come in handy for booking flights for the next country we invade. does iran take chase sapphire? i guess we'll find out. after 20 long years, the u.s. finally left afghanistan.
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and you know it's really over because america didn't even accidentally leave a toothbrush behind so we'd have an excuse to go back. whoops. silly me. but maybe while i'm over, we can try some nation building again? and while no breakup is ever easy, this one was handled especially poorly. although, not as poorly as my last breakup. you think afghanistan was bad? you try telling me you want to see other people. you don't need to withdraw from my apartment. i'm throwing your ass out the window myself. wheres was i? oh, yes. while our troops were exiting afghanistan, some of the richest americans couldn't wait to exit america. and they were going to the normal rich people places like monaco or fiji or jeffrey epstein's island. no, they were exiting the earth's atmosphere. >> billionaires in space. >> richard branson going where no billionaire has gone before. >> 24 hours from now, jeff bezos will be launching to the heavens. >> space-x senior director says
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the company saw an increase from people who wanted to buy a private spacecraft. clearly, there are a lot of rich people out there, much richer than the rest of us. >> first of all, this is relatable. after a year of lockdown, i was ready to blast into space, too. and these billionaires don't even live next to an apartment with a poodle yapping all damn day! just poop in the house, mr. sprinkles. nobody cares. your owners are nasty anyway. still, can't get these rich dudes to calm down? i guess for these guys, you're not rich unless everyone knows you're rich-- human, martians, klingon, the worms from doom, whatever the hel chewbacca is, everybody! i don't understand why their rockets keep going up and landing back on earth again. if you're going to get the ( bleep ) out. get the ( bleep ) out. you keep coming and going. listen, i'm going to start charging you a cover charge. and no, we're not going to give you a wrist band, either. you'll have to pay every time you come back in. not everyoney exit was voluntary. take former president donald
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trump. i'm not talking about him getting kicked out of the white house. i'm talking about him getting kicked off of a place he loves more, social media. >> they've done it. donald trump has been kicked off twitter. the social media giant announced late friday trump is permanently suspended from the platform. >> a long list of social media sites have now either banned or restricted president trump including twitter, facebook, youtube, and spotify. >> yeah! ha, ha! trump got booted from basically every social media site in january. and you know why. which is kind of a shame because it deprived of of what might have been the funniest milk crate challenge of all time. >> hey! >> oh! >> ha-ha! he even got kicked off of spotify. i know trump did a lot of damage as president, but what could he have possibly done on spotify? were they scared he'd start a podcast? lord knows, we wouldn't want anyone on spotify hopping up
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middle-aged white men with misinformation. while millionaires were exiting gravity, and trump was exiting twitter, americans were exiting their damn lines. i know no one likes to wear a mask or getting shots, but some of you were embarrassing. >> if we don't stand up, it will only get worse. >> i don't need a mask! i have a right to my pizza. >> you gave me one ( bleep ) warning. one warning! ( applause ) >> sit! you sit down in that seat and you stay there. >> really! ( growling ) >> what in the hell? when did every american become a mix between mel gibson in "brave heart" and mel gibson after his arrest? and for what? because the mask feels itchy on your shitting goatee. come on, dude. i'll tell you who i feel bad for, those poor flight attendantses. how do you lose your damn minds
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to the point you assault the person who is supposed to save you in a plane crash. i know if somebody got an attitude on my plane i have no problem opening the door and letting their ass sucked out. so there you have it. those are the biggest exits of 2021. now, if you'll excuse me, i have to make an exit of my own. gotta exit my apartment and find a new place. i'm done living next to mr. sprinkles! you win, you yapping ass dog! ergh! does anyone know of a one-bedroom apartment where a neighbor is not a poodle? two-bedroom? three-bedroom? i have money! i'm currently on tv! no? ♪ ♪ ♪ right. >> trevor: thank you so much for that dulce. all right, when we come back, lou lolbell will be discussing her new hit series "foundation." stay tuned for i just love having to check-in online, and having to do it again on the mobile app. and having to do it again in-person. are there any other ways that i have to check-in?
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no. but we're working on it. [ laughter ] i've only ever bought bird seed from this website, but they're recommending cat food. i think we need a cat. they know us so well. who wants a kitty cat? who wants... you want a kitty cat.
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yeah? go on, give it a practice run. kelsey. kelsey. marriage? oh. okay. look maybe you should just show her this beautiful helzberg diamond ring? that's a better idea. yeah, maybe not in the bathroom. oooh! oh my word! geico. it's easy to switch and save. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is actor lou lolbell. she's here to talk about her starring role in the new
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apple tv+ series "foundation." >> come with me. >> we'll be lost up there. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> i love you. >> go. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> trevor: and then all hell breaks loose. lou llobell, welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me trevor. i'm so happy to be here. >> trevor: i'm happy having you here. it's rare that you meet people right at the beginning of what i believe will be just an amazing career. you're not just a fantastic actor, but you're on a show that has just been renewed for a second season. >> yes. >> trevor: congratulations.
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>> >> trevor: lease start with that, foy, the show. what did you know about it before your audition to be part of this megafranchise apple is building now? >> i didn't know much about it. i told my dad when i got the audition, that i had an audition for a sci-fi called "foundation." he said i love it. he had read all the books. and i think actually that's what got me my second audition. i mentioned that in the second audition, and they were like, "we love that." and it worked so thank you, dad, for that. it's so exciting. >> trevor: so i didn't know this before i started watching it, i didn't know that the books that it's based on are actually the bookses that inspired "star wars." >> yeah. >> trevor: what i love is your story is almost as interesting as your character's story, because i meet few people who i think are as much citizens of the world as you are. you are born in spain. your father is spanish. >> yeah, i was born in zimbabwe. >> trevor: okay, lived in
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spain. you were born in zimbabwe, lived in spain. then moved to south africa. >> when i was eight. >> trevor: then you lived in south africa, then you move to the u.k. the world-- for those who don't know, "foundation" is like a future, dispopian, but not dystopian world, where everything is ending and possibly beginning. and your character plays in many ways, like you said, your version of life. she's going to be everywhere. that must have tied in, in a cool way. >> yeah, it's pretty amazing. also like leaving home, south africa. >> trevor: exactly. >> to move to the u.k. to do this job and to work really hard to try and do this, which i thought is something i wanted to do with my life, and i feel very grateful to be here. i'm sure you have a similar, you know, experience. like your career has taken off. >> trevor: right. >> i remember, like, 10 years ago-- sorry, i have to bring this up-- you did a show where i grew up. and i remember watching that and being like-- and watching your
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career explode. and i was like oh, my goodness. >> trevor: thank you. >> that's so cool. >> trevor: thank you very much. >> it made me believe i could do that, coming from a place like south africa. >> trevor: oh, wow. thank you very much for that. had i known you were watching my career like, that i would have thought it was too much pressure and just failed on purpose to get out from under the thing. but thank you for that. >> it's true. i think people who come from where we come from, a country like south africa, it kind of can seem a bit, you know, that you can't reach the stars and reach everything else. >> trevor: yeah, yeah. >> and, you know, i hope to be an inspiration for people as well. >> trevor: i think you are already genuinely. that's what i love about "foundation" and the story. it's this world where somebody who is told that they're in a small world, and small can go on to become something so big. >> exactly. >> trevor: you're playing this huge role. i was fascinated by this. is it true that the audition process was, like, five days? >> i did three rounds. and the last one was five days in ireland, limerick. which if you know ireland is a very small little town. and there were six of us going
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for the same role. they tried to keep us apart but we found each other. it's not very difficult in limerick. there were a bunch of us brown girls ( laughing ) and we came out of the hotel and would go for breakfast and be like... >> trevor: you must be. >> yes,. and it was amazing. of course we were all, like, kind of competing. but we found this, like, weird connection. because we were all women of color in a situation which we don't usually find ourselves. >> trevor: which is like in a skiify audition. >> yes. and there were six of us. and it was the most incredible, like, inspiring, you know, thing. and we have a group chat. >> trevor: wait, you guys are still friends? >> yeah, we still text, yeah. and they're all brilliant actresses. and it was just the most amazing experience. it was tough and haroing. >> trevor: right. >> don't get me wrong. but it was a cool environment, actually. >> trevor: let's talk a little bit about that part of it. you have women playing roles
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that were in the book men, and obviously, race almost becomes irrelevant in the casting of the people which makes it more interesting. was that refreshing for you to play a role where it was about you being a math gennuous who happens to be brown. >> brown and a woman which i don't think is very know-- and it's amazing to be able to be this powerful woman, young woman, in this world which is run by white men in that world. >> trevor: right, right, right. not-- not this world, of course. we're talking about the fictitious world. >> yeah, yeah. but, yeah, so we-- and it's amazing to be able to do that and show that there's power in, like, working things out with your brain and not just like a physical, you know, fighting and stuff, which is still pretty cool, i think. >> trevor: yeah. >> but, yeah. so that was really great. >> trevor: what i wanted to know is how many people have noticed you playing a cameo in the show? it is you, right? >> i'm in the background of episode 3. >> trevor: yes. >> it's when hugo flies in and
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the kids run past me. they did a very good job of making me someone else. >> trevor: okay, okay. >> because i am not gaul in that scene. i was so-- the set was life sized. none of that was the effects. except for the ship coming in, it was real. >> trevor: you go there-- >> i wanted to be on that set and begged david and alex to please let me, which they did. and it was amazing. if you look very carefully, you can see me in the background. >> trevor: thank you very much for joining me on the show and congratulations on your success. >> thank you. >> trevor: season one of "foundation" is available now on apple tv+. okay, we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back break, but we'll be right back after this. hi. i'm wolfgang puck
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but before we go: if you liked what you heard from chef jose andres in the show tonight, then consider supporting world central kitchen. in the last few years, they've helped communities around the world feed families in need, all while supporting thousands of local restaurants in the process. so if you want to support them this worthy cause, please donate at the link below. until next time, stay safe out
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there, get your vaccine, and remember: follow your dreams! even if you fail, you can always teach a masterclass about it. now, here it is, your moment of zen. >> america's crime crisis hits close to home for us here at fox. >> an arsonist carried out an attack against this news channel, and, well, they burned down our christmas tree. >> welcome to the liberal democrats america, where we burn down christmas trees. >> who says it's not a hate crime against us, against fox news? >> it's not just a fox news tree. this is america's tree. >> torching christmas trees is an attack on christianity, obviously. >> no one can burn down the spirit of christmas or destroy our resilience. a new tree is on the way. >> don't worry about us at fox news, though. we're fine. >> it is a big story. it is the cover of "new york post."
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- ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ [school bell rings] - good morning, children. mr. garrison is away today. i am your substitute teacher, mr. wyland. - oh, sweet, dude. substitute teacher. - now, i understand that some students in this class like to mess with substitute teachers, but if we all behave and respect each other, i'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day. let's start with roll call. let's see, mm, eric cartman? - here. [all laugh] - all right, and how about stan marsh? - [muffled] here. [all laugh]
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- it's not that funny, you guys. jesus. - okay, and where is kenny mccormick? - here. [hysterical laughter] - oh! [laughs] ow! - dude, what the hell was that? - oh, oh, dude, you know when you're laughing so hard that the milk comes out your nose? oh, man. - dude, you weren't drinking any milk. - huh? - you have to be drinking milk for that to happen. - not with me, man. - all right, look, why don't we skip roll call? here's what we're gonna do today. i've been told that one of your classmates has been ill for several days, kyle broflovski? - he's faking. - well, i've been told that in mr. garrison's absence, our activity for the day is to make a get-well card for kyle, so i've got this large piece of poster board, and we're all gonna come up and use glitter and glue to decorate it. all: aw. - he's faking. [children chattering] - kenny, you come and decorate the get-well card too. - but i don't want kyle to get well. i hate kyle. - i don't care. get down here and do it. - hey, watch it. hey, what are you doing? - now, that's a get-well card. [all laugh] - [laughs]
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- mr. garrison, after a very careful review, the school board believes that you should take a hiatus from teaching indefinitely. - what? - frankly, your conduct has been somewhat disconcerting. - did you know that not one of your students knew who sam adams was? - well, who cares about a guy that makes beer? jesus christ, i'm trying to teach history. - frankly, mr. garrison, it isn't even your educational record that we're most concerned about. it's your somewhat substantial police record. - pfft. oh, whatever. - mr. garrison, last week's charges of attempting to solicit sex from a minor-- - that was not me. that was mr. hat. - all we're saying is, perhaps you should take a little hiatus from teaching until this little "child molestation" thing dies down a bit. - gentlemen, teaching is all i know. it is the air that i breathe. - we're sorry, mr. garrison. we have no choice. - very well. i guess i'm not a teacher anymore. i suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun. - mr. garrison, most teachers do not carry a gun.
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- oh, so i can keep it then? - [babbles] - kyle? stan and his mother came over to visit you. - hello, sweetie. - dude, you can stop faking now. we got a substitute teacher. - [babbles] - kyle? - they say it's his kidneys. kyle always has been a diabetic, and lately, his kidneys have just been shutting down. - well, the kids at school made you a card, kyle. look. - go on, butters. - i don't want to. - butters, go on. - oh, all right then. ♪ we're so sorry you're not feeling well ♪ ♪ we hope you're better soon ♪ ♪ so we're brining you some sunshine ♪ ♪ by singing you this tune ♪ ♪ everybody misses you ♪ ♪ and though we hate to cause a fuss ♪ ♪ we'd like to say, "get well soon" ♪ ♪ and please don't die on us ♪ [air hisses] - [babbles] - dude, you really are sick, huh? - i don't know, i-- - i don't know what to do, sharon. they want to have him go into surgery, but that's so dangerous. - sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines? they work wonders. i read all about it in people. - really? in people?


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