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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  December 15, 2021 1:15am-2:00am PST

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world. >> british prime minister boris johnson is learning of a looming tidal wave of coved cases in the u.k. >> they fear in less than 36 hours omicron will be the dominant variant in london. already makes up 44% of the cases in the city and numbers are doubling every two to three days. >> the country of norway is ramping up efforts to slow the spread of omicron. in decreasing gatherings, the country is placing a ban on serving alcohol in bars and restaurants, the moratorium as the country is facing record high covid 19 infectious and hospitalizations. >> trevor: wow! no drinking in norway in the winter! at that point, you might as well die of covid. also, why are they keeping the bars open if you can't drink? are there people out there who are, like, i still enjoy the peanuts and shouting conversations and standing in
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someone else's pee while i pee. there's more to a bar than just drinking. omicron is spreading superfast, way faster than any other variant. like we hadn't even heard about it a few weeks ago and now it's dominating the world. it's like the olivia rodriguez variants. we're learning more about the effects of omicron. the first large study was released out of south africa. whoop whoop! and it has good news and bad news. the bad news is even if you have two doses of the pfizer vaccine, you only get 33% protection against infection from omicron, right. the good news is if you do get omicron, you're about 30% less likely to go to the hospital than with delta, but the bad news is there was a hot single doctor at the hospital who could have been your soul mate, and you will never get to meet him. the good news is he has a lot of student debt, and that would have totally weighed on your relationship after a while.
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sorry, where was i going with this? oh, yeah, if you're worried about catching omicron, the good news is a booster shot is actually very effective. it's really effective protection. in fact, we shouldn't even be calling it a booster at this point. we should call at this time third shot. calling it a booster makes it sound optional like someone's offering you a hot towel. would you care for a booster shot? yes? >> what's with them hot towels? what's with them hot towels anyway? one minute it's hot and a second later it's cold. >> trevor: right? >> it felt nice for a second and it's gone. it's a nice, warm, hot towel and then it just turned into a cold rag. ain't nobody want a rag. >> trevor: it's instant as well. >> that's part of the problem with it. >> trevor: it's like a thing. but it's like too hot as well. like they give it to you, you can't hold it and the next second it's freezing cold. where did they heat this? i don't understand these towels at all. >> you know what i messed up with this booster shot also,
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dawg, is that they messed up calling the first shot the vaccine. we were supposed to be, vaccine, done! they should have just called it medicine and this shot more medicine. everybody like more medicine. extra strength, that's all you've got to call it, more medicine and not market it. that's how you do it. you know how people were drinking the bleach? word of mouth, weren't no commercials for it. everybody want to be up on the new new. stop talking about the booster, see how many people go get the booster. >> trevor: make it a whisper campaign. >> yeah ( whispering ) >> i got the booster. >> trevor: i got the booster. >> i didn't know you got the booster. >> trevor: there's no booster, man. i'll talk to you later. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> trevor: let's move on to two of america's most violent sports hockey and capitalism. everybody knows teachers in america are underpaid, but what's crazy is teachers often
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have to spend their own money to buy supplies for their classrooms. do you realize how insane this is? no other job makes you do this. no one at mcdonald's is, oh, they won't fix the ice cream machine, i guess i'll have to bring it from home. one hockey team in south dakota found a way to make it even worse. >> time now for stories everyone's talking about this morning we start in south dakota. this blew up social media. >> yeah. >> people were angry. >> a hockey team's event drawing serious criticism. take a look. here's what's going on the sioux falls stampede hockey team held a dash for cash competition. these are ten teachers crawling around on the ice grabbing as much money as they can to buy class supplies. some thought it wrong to have
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teachers grab for money. some compared it to squid game. >> trevor: nothing like squid game. you don't need subtitles to realize how sad this is. if you win squid game, you keep the money. these teachers are debasing themselves to pay for textbooks that don't even teach slavery. this is is saddest thing. i get they were trying to help out the local teachers who need money for their classrooms but you realize they could have just given them the money. you didn't have to turn their need into our entertainment. can you imagine if lifeguards made you do, like, the dugy before they saved you? now you're there drowning and you're, like -- would that be funny? yes, but it's not appropriate. and you be, this really highlights how america cares so little about education, its teachers are wrestling on the ground for dollar bills,
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meanwhile the defense budget is over half a trillion dollars a year. i'm not saying defense contractors can't have their money but they should at least have to wrestle around in jell-o for it. and naked. i want to see butts. >> it's a crazy story, dude. >> trevor: right? >> very crazy. why would you give teachers money for supplies at the end of the year? >> trevor: what? >> it's too late. them kids already flunked, man. they needed them flys back in august. you ain't made an f -- you can't bounce back from a december f. i don't know if you ever had a december f, but it's a wrap. ain't nothing else you can do to save that kid, just say see you next year. you can stay in the class for the rest of the year so you can be familiar with this shit next year, but once you get a december f, it's a waste of time. they should have had them teachers back on the ice in august. >> trevor: an interesting point, roy. >> a solid point is what
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youmented to say. >> trevor: yeah. >> also, they didn't offer the teachers a hot towel. they touching money, oooh! omicron out there. you just out there raw dogin' cash with your hands. raw cogin' cash. do you raw dog cash? >> trevor: i never thought of it actually. >> we should hang out. >> trevor: we should. >> you would learn some shit. >> trevor: yeah, i would. i definitely wouldch would. let's move on to the main story, about former president don j jussie smollett trump. and his attempt last year to overturn the election, which by the way no judgment at all. if you lost anything to joe biden, u.s.l. also de. >> trevor: i the shit out of it -- an election, foot race, arm wrestling match. have you seen that guy? it's like losing to a soggy sponge. if joe biden beat me at rock paper scissors, i would chop off both my hands, yeah, i never
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played this game. one of the guys who has the most information about trump's attempt to overthrow the election is former chief of staff mark meadows, bus he suddenly stopped talking. >> lawmakers addressing the january 6th attack on the capitol ran out of patient with mark meadows. >> mark meadows made if decision to cooperate and uncooperate and, as a result, we're going to have to hold him in criminal contempt. >> the committee says they have questions about documents meadows has handed over which shed light on what trump knew about the insurrection before it began. >> the committee is interested in the weeks leading up to the insurrection and meadows' involvement in efforts to undermine the election outcome. when presented the idea of certain states sending alternate slates of electors to congress, meadows responded, i love it. >> trevor: m mmm! get you a man who loves you the way mark meadows loves overthrowing democracy! i love it! i love it! to be fair, i love it is also
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what you send when you want the other person to think you actually read through all their texts when you didn't. so maybe it was like that with mark meadows? i don't know. the fact is though, looks like mark meadows was very involved in trump's plan to overturn the election. he pushed the justice department to investigate madeup voter fraud. he tried to block states from certifying electors and made trump lick the oval office desk to claim dibs. it department of doesn't look good that he stopped cooperating with the investigation. i do get it, he can't be disloyal to trump because in trump world, loyalty is everything. you take care of trump, and trump takes care of you. unless you're john bolton or jeff sessions, or rudy giuliani or melania or michael cohen or anybody else he's ever known. it's called loyalty. but before he stopped
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cooperating, meadows handed over a lot of documents to the committee and they discovered a bunch of frantic text messages he got during capitol riot and some came from donald trump's closest advisors. >> fox entertainers frantically texted mark meadows as the capitol riot was happening and urged him to get president trump to stop it. >> hannity urged meadows to tell mr. trump to "make a statement and ask people to leave the capitol"." >> said please get him on tv. >> lawia ingraham saying mark, the president needs to tell the people in the capitol to go home, this is hurting all of us. he is destroying his legacy. >> trevor: this is so amazing! fox news spent the whole year acting like january 6th was nothing, just a few, you know, patriots, just having their voices heard, but turns out that
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in private they were freaking out about it! freaking out! this is like finding out the flight attendant who has been telling you it's just a little turbulence is going back into the cockpit like doesn't anybody know how to fly this thing? we're all going to die! on the left you can see the rocky mountains, really beautiful, please stay in your seat, folks. i love they were so concerned this could ruin trump's legacy. if he gets somebody killed today no one will remember the time he told people to drink bleach. it's funny cnn fired chris como for giving help to his brother but turns out everyone add fox news was giving secret advice to president trump and his people. i guess that's what makes it okay. one person at your network has no integrity, that's a problem. if nobody has integrity, that the a company policy. fox news, we all wilin'!
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it wasn't just fox hosts who were freaking out to trump's response to the riots. there were also texts from trump's oldest son and man who never has to worry about chin cancer, john, jr. >> as the violence continued one of the president's sons texted mr. meadows, quote, he's got to condemn this shit asap. the capitol police tweet is not enough, donald trump, jr. texted. donald trump, jr. texted again and again, urging action by the president, quote, we need an oval office address, he has to lead now, it has gone too far and gotten out of hand. >> trevor: yeah, it appears that don, jr. himself thought the insurrection had gone too far and had gotten out of hand, which suggests that he was okay
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with an insurrection that was a little more in control. whoa! what's with all this violence? i kind of thought we could overthrow the government in, like, a cool fun way, like oceans eleven, like we sneak in and steal democracy before anyone notices and we're all wearing cool suits and george clooney says, this is cool and i would say, you're cool, george clooney, something like that. obviously, don, jr.'s texts didn't work and i'm okay with that because it would have been awful to have to thank him for stopping the insurrection -- thank you for saving democracy, don, jr. but don, jr. trying to get a message to his own father. that tells you a lot about his relationship. those aren't the only texts he sent mark meadows. a source provided "the daily show" with additional texts. and i'm going to read them to
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you right now. later that day, don, jr. texted mark meadows again, quote, hey, man, just wanted to see if you passed those messages to to my d yet. and then, quote, actually, it might be easier if you gave me my dad's if you remember so i can text -- my dad's number so i can text him directly? some time passed, and then another text -- let me know about my dad's number, but no rush, i know shit is cra. lol. and, finally that night, quote, come on, man, at least give me his email, and then three prayer
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hands emojis. there was no response. so, yes, january 6th riot rocked america to its core, but even worse, it broke don, jr.'s heart. hilarious. all right, when we come back, we'll take a look at the biggest scams of 202 2021, and chelsea handler is joining me on the show. you don't want to miss it. miss crawly, it's me mr. moon. i haven't heard from you in awhile, i'm starting to worry here. ♪ grab a brush and put on a little make-up ♪ make-up.
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♪ hide the scars to fade away the shake-up ♪ you whoo. your destination is on the right. okay. whaaa!
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." 2022021 is almost over and i thk we can all agree that compared to last year it has been a perfect year. so for the rest of the month we will be remembering all of 2021's best moments in a year-end segment at the look back at 2021, the at least bad year of the last two years. michael kosta takes a look at all the top scams of the year. ♪♪ ♪♪ >> a lot changed in 2021 -- the length of kanye's name, the energy level of our president, my inlaws hulu password. within thing that didn't change is people still fell for anything. you know how they say a sucker is born a minute? more sucking going on than an
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orgy at the dyson factory. nonfungible tokens is one of the biggest. when you buy the right to a piece of digital art. they got pretty expensive. >> $200,000 for a lebron james dunking clip. 600,000 for -- i don't know what that is in the middle. and millions for jack dorsey's first tweet. this image of digital toilet paper is worth $2,100. >> trevor: $2,100 for digital toilet paper. come in hand by when i dump in the meta verse. people spent millions on nfts thinking they had actual value but they can become worthless anytime. i bought this of a dog wearing panty hose. i love stock. the next scam the meme stock.
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people were pumping money into terrible businesses because the internet thought it was cool. it was the financial equivalent of the tide pod challenge and no stock was more memed than game stock, declowning in value for a long time because it's a store that tries to sell you video games nat you can download at home. if there's one thing gamers love is leaving their house ever. like meme stocks, this thing is a big roller coster ride and the question is who's the sucker left holding the bag when the price crashes? turns out it was me. i bought it all at the top. not totally fault. my cousin a hedge fund manager assured me this is foolproof. he's living in turks and caicos and i'm living in an airport in la quinta. pennsylvania avenue, home of the scam that kicked off 2021 is still going strong, the biggest lie since that phi dora looks great on you.
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trump's imlaims of voter fraud. he convinced supporters joe biden stole the election which led to the january 6th insurrection, aka chu chel la. we would have known it if it was rigged because biden would have said it in a speech. the man has no filter. instead people were foolishly led to believe they could stop the election from being certified but the truth is that was never possible. unfortunately, i only found that out after i got maced by capitol police inside chuck schumer's office. i got his mouse pad as a souvenir. still has chicken salad stains on it. as i said at my bail hearing, i deeply regret my participation. let's move on to c.r.t., a scam spread by right wing culture
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warriors saying teachers were teacher your children slave which was the white kids fault. >> the founding documents are called evil and racist. >> critical race theory is a marxist philosophy and cancer. >> just because i do not want critical race theory taught to my children in school does not mean that i am a racist, damn it! >> c.r.t. is evil! if i lived in this school zone or had a kid, i would pull him out of this school forever! oh, yeah, i forget, i was part of that, too. so i got got again. but the scam that best sums up 2021 is, without a doubt, ivermectin. it was the medicine for people who would take anything to prevent covid except for the free and effective vaccine that could prevent covid, so some pretty twisted individuals took this opportunity to promote the idea that a veterinary grade horse dewormer could prevent and treat covid, and people fell for
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it so bad pet stores even started selling out of it, which really success for the horses. it's bad enough humans give them names like daddy's velvet and smoky midnight blossom, now people were taking all their medicine? though full disclosure, i did take some. but in my defense, it seems like such a bad idea that it made me think it wasn't a bad idea. that's how they get you sometimes. long story short, i came down with something my vet is calling horse diarrhea. i don't know exactly what that means because that's the clinical term but, to be honest, i've never felt so worm-free in my entire life. as we go into 2022, lest take with us the lessons we learned this year, stay vigilant, be smart, to your own research but not in the crazy way. the only way to protect yourself from getting scammed is -- holy shit, bill gates e-mailed me and want to send me some cash? i'm going to be rich! whoo!
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woo-hoo! whoo! >> trevor: thank you so much for that, michael. when we come back, the hilarious chelsea handler will be joining me right here in the studio. so don't go away. what if smartphones were more than just smart? the all new google pixel 6. with a 24 hour adaptive battery that sends power precisely where you need it. google pixel 6.
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i'm mady and this is quitting vaping, it's caused me the most amount of anxiety in my life. really bad chest pain, and it just feels like there is a voice inside your head just telling you a bunch of very negative things. i just like being in control of how i feel and when i get those stressful things coming up, i learn how to breathe, take a break from what i'm doing. without vaping i feel extremely optimistic and hopeful for my future. need help quitting vaping? text “ditchvape” to 88709 (chloe) wireless family plans save you money, but then
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you have to deal with family. need help quitting vaping? so i got visible. get unlimited data for as low as $25 a month. no family needed. (dad vo) is the turkey done yet?! (mom vo) here's your turkey! (vo) visible. switch and get up to $200. >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show. my guest tonight is bestselling author and comedian chelsea handler. she's here to talk about her “vaccinated and horny” stand-up tour, and her recent grammy nomination. chelsea handler, welcome to the show. >> hi, trevor, how are you? >> trevor: i have been better but i'm good. >> yeah. >> trevor: i'm getting better every day. how are you? >> i'm doing well. i notice you got a new studio. the last time we were here, we were somewhere else. >> trevor: which means we weren't here. >> that's exactly what it means. congratulations on the upgrade. the green rooms were delightful. >> trevor:eth a work in progress. nothing is back to normal, we're in the hybrid phase. then we get ready to go back to a different phase of life. let's talk about you and your phases, though. people's choice award, congratulations. >> oh, my god i beat you in the
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people's choice best comedy category. >> trevor: i was in the category? >> yeah, you were nominated for a people's choice award but i won. >> trevor: congratulations. >> i thought you were being a big boy. i was going to say great, look at you! >> trevor: no. >> well, let's take it back you guys. >> trevor: for real, congratulations. >> thank you, thanks. >> trevor: and congratulations, like, for me, for all of us as comedians, the grammy nomination, the first one? >> i was in hawaii with joy coy -- yeah, definitely my first one -- i got a text from my agent and she said you have been nominated for a grammy award. i said a grammy? for what? the irony, i have no rhythm, i can't sing or dance. i was, like, joe, i have been nominated for a grammy. he's like, you're id canning me! >> trevor: all comedians have that feeling. it's a weird feeling. you don't think of the grammys as including standup in that way. you have the comedy album as well. i was happy for you because i
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feel like you've just -- chelsea, you have been making hits for a very long time. you're a best-selling author. five or six books now? >> six. "new york times" number one best selling books. i want to set the record straight. you know what i mean? ( laughter ) >> trevor: every tv show has been a hit. we've seen the chelsea in love. >> right, people love it. they love to see me in love. >> trevor: for a long time, people have only seen you as the horny chelsea. you're vaccinated and horny, we know that chelsea is i'm drinking wine, i'm horny! and this chelsea is, i'm in love. it's different. >> i'm still horny, but more directed at one person now than it's ever been. it's nays to see the reaction of people being so happy that i'm in love. i didn't realize how many people were rooting for me. i want to give women my age hope, if you don't settle for all the idiots, the good one
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will come, men and women alike. and people who don't identify as either, when you set the standard for yourself, the tide rises. >> trevor: i like that. >> that's true. >> trevor: i've wondered what it's like to date a comedian. i don't think i ever could because i don't know -- what are the rules? if you're date ago comedian, then who gets the jokes? at some point you're having a conversation, a brilliant premise comes up, who gets it? >> yeah, i mean, we're pretty good about sharing that. joe is neither typical comedian. >> trevor: no, he's not. >> he's very bright and dheeferl and it's infectious. he keeps everybody kind of up up. ( laughter ) so, i mean, it's a lot to handle especially for me because i'm such a sinister bitch. but after a while,eth wears off on you, yeah, i'm feeling pretty happy, too, these days. so we split the joke. he sleeps with a c pap on his face because he's sleep apnea. >> trevor: one of the -- >> contraption.
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>> trevor: i tried that, it was terrible. >> do you have sleep apnea? >> trevor: no, i just tried the machine. it was a phase. let's see how this goes. ( laughter ) >> he sleeps with one of those on. when he puts that on, it's like he is going into a submarine for the rest of the night. it's out, see you later, see you in the morning. >> trevor: there's no romance with those things. there's no interruption of anything. it's like you're on life support all night. >> he's trying not to die all night long and in the morning wakes up to this piece of work. he said something about the way i sleep. i said, i go to bed with an octopus every night. he uses that in his stand-up. apparently, people have it, and most people don't know about it. i understand it's a contraption. if i'm sleeping with it out there, i bet there's a lot more out there. >> trevor: that's true love is if you can cpap at night with
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the person next to you, then you know it's love. >> exactly. >> trevor: you talk about everything in your stand-up. i love how you share everything in your life. you will make jokes about it, have fun with it, there's no barriers for you. you even joked about you wanting to have sex with andrew cuomo and then, like, dealing with him now being canceled and also just being found guilty of things, et cetera, et cetera. >> yeah, yeah. >> trevor: as chelsea handler, i'd love to know where you got that confidence just to do that? where did that come from? >> oh, well, thanks. i have a lot of misplaced confidence. for a lot of time i thought i could sing and dance until i tried out for the cheerleading squad and they tested me for scoliosis. so i have a lot of confidence until someone says don't do it. the andrew cuomo thing was funny. when that didn't work out, andrew cuomo, nothing ever happened between us, but i had a big loud crush on him, my sister
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said mom is cock blocking you from heaven. i said, is that what she's doing? she said, yeah, you need to be. she said you never would have met joe if you were with andrew. mom's at work for us up there. >> trevor: you won the award. congratulations. >> you sound angry. >> trevor: no. >> bitter. >> trevor: the tame of the tragedy has not passed yet for me. i just found out about it as you sat down. >> right. >> trevor: this is a horrible time for me to find out. so you've got the tour, the grammy nomination. what are you looking forward to? >> i have been enjoying being on the road for this tour. it's great to be a reason, as you well know, to bring people back together for the first time, to remind people about togetherness and humanity and, you know, not focus on the politics of everything right now because i'm so exhausted by all that, too. >> trevor: i think everyone is. >> everyone's sick of it, of me hearing and talking about it and people are sick of talking about it. it's nice to have a celebratory fun, making fun of all the
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behavior we got up to during covid which was seriously embarrassing. >> trevor: were you embarrassed? >> i was windexing my takeout food for three months. >> trevor: you were one of those. >> i didn't get covid but i probably have cancer. ( laughter ) >> trevor: well, i'll tell you this, it's always a pleasure having you. this is the fifth time i've had you on the show. congratulations on the love and success. hope to see you again for the next one. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: all right, people. tickets for chelsea's vaccinated and horny tour are available at it won a people's choice award -- over me -- so go and watch it.
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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight tonight, but before we go: our new daily show holiday merch has officially dropped! it's our happy belated holidays sweatshirt -- the only gift that won't have you worried about supply chain issues. if you want to check it out, scan the qr code or head to the link below. until tomorrow -- stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember: if don, jr. asks, donald trump isn't here. now, here it is -- your moment of zen. ♪♪ ♪♪ >> the number one threat to cryptocurrency is crypto.
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bitcoin could be displaced by either which could be displaced by hamster coin, and cobra coin. what could mongoose coin do to crypto coin? will mongoose coin always have a value? i don't know, it's a joke. though i said it about hamster coin and i found out there really was a hamster coin. really was a hamster coin. ( ding ding ) ♪♪ les: ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ les: ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ les: ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! ♪ ♪ murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! ♪ les: ♪ come on down to south park, and meet some friends of mine ♪
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cartman: so much has happened. i don't know where to start. first it was all the school shootings. then these wi-fi scooters showed up. and now we know that manbearpig is real and we could all be dead in a matter of years. and you believe... this all relates somehow to the movie "black panther" not being as good as everyone says it was? i know there's a connection, but that isn't what matters. i can't deal with people anymore. it's just, everyone sucks so hard, you know?
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everybody is so stupid. and they all walk around going, "way aya ayay blarhghg." and the only thing that makes me happy, the only thing i can trust, is this. but all people do is try to keep me from it. i'll be in my room, and my mom will come in and say, [high-pitched voice] "eric, that's enough time on your phone." [ normal voice ] and then at school... [ high-pitched voice ] "eric, what are you doing? you can't use your phone at school!" [ normal voice ] and even my friends. my own friends, they'll be like, "hey, cartman, throw us the ball. you're the goddamn quarterback." it's like everybody needs something from me. all i want is a little time with my phone instead of always listening to people's needy bullshit. oh, uh, sorry. just -- uh, well, you know, young people have to deal with so much today. i believe that what you have is anxiety. anxiety? is that cool? it's pretty common these days. what it really is more than anything
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is an excuse to be lazy and lame to everyone around you. oh, my god. that's perfect. ♪♪ [ intercom beeps ] i'm busy. [ intercom beeps ] woman receptionist: mr. principal. i'm busy doing stuff! [ intercom beeps ] what?! woman receptionist: the vice principal needs to speak with you. she says it's urgent. [ sighs ] oh, pc principal. uh, y-yes? are you going in to see the vice principal? i really need to speak with her. uh, yeah. we're just, uh -- we're having an important scheduling to go over. everything is okay with you two? there's no more inappropriate behavior? you know, as a counselor, i'm here to -- that's in the past, mackey. we've paid our dues, and we're not hiding anything anymore. mkay. [ babies crying ] i could use a little help here! what's going on?
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riley said a word that her sister felt was insensitive to muslims. now they're all upset. all right. what word did you use, riley? she just said, "aba daba." look, can't we put them in a daycare? oh, yeah. that would be really smart. if anybody sees them, they're gonna figure out you're the father. well, maybe they won't. you wanna risk that? the babies have to stay hidden because if people know the truth, then you're not pc, and i'm not strong! [ crying continues ] all right, can i take your order? excuse me. what would you like, sir? just a god-- can you wait? isn't that your job? aren't you a wait-er?! [ whooshing, explosions on cellphone ] hey, could you turn your phone down, kid? this is a restaurant. it just so happens i have anxiety. that means i have trouble being around assholes who won't leave me alone! [ bicycle bell dings ]


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