tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central August 12, 2022 1:30am-2:01am PDT
- i can't believe they put 'em in jail. i thought that movie was pretty good. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> coming to you from new york city, the only city in america, it's "the daily show"! tonight, japan gets knocked up! it's okay, the summer is almost over. and abbi jacobson! this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪ ♪♪ >> trevor: what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! thank you for being here! thank you for being here! take a seat! we have a really fun show for you tonight. japan is faking a pregnancy,
donald trump needs a mole removed, and new york wants you to commit murder. tonight, our guest is the one the only abbi jacobson. ( cheers and applause ) let's jump straight into today's headlines. ♪♪ >> trevor: all right, people, i'm going to be honest -- with all the news that happened today, i don't think we have enough space for it in the show. i tried everything, i even tried putting it in the suitcase and standing on it, you know, so it closes, but the news kept getting caught in the zipper. ( laughter ) i'm sorry, but we just don't have time for it all. fortunately, not enough time is just enough time for a segment we call ain't nobody got time for. ( cheers and applause ) all right, let's kick things off with the ongoing saga of donald judeo-christian trump who
earlier this week was rudely interrupted by the f.b.i. when he was trying to hoard classified documents. what did the f.b.i. find? why would trump be keeping the documents in the first place? has trump secretly been able to read this entire time?! ( laughter ) but now we may be getting a little more insight into why the f.b.i. moved in on mar-a-lago. >> tonight, brand-new reporting about what led the f.b.i. to execute a search warrant monday at trump's florida home. the "wall street journal" reporting that the feds may have gotten a tipoff from an insider after officials visited mar-a-lago back in june to ask about government documents possibly stored there. someone familiar with the stored papers told investigators there may still be more classified documents at the trump club. >> trump world is trying to figure out who flipped. according to "rolling stone," trump is worried he may have a rat or multiple rats in his midst. he's wondering if his phones are tapped or even if his buddies could be wearing a wire.
>> trevor: oh, no! ( laughter ) one of trump's friends could be wearing a wire? this is the worst possible scenario because now he's got to tell rudy giuliani and steve bannon to take their shirts off? ( audience reacts ) it would be like, take it -- you know what? on second thought, i'll just kill myself. ( laughter ) and if this is actually true, i am going to be shocked. i cannot believe someone would betray trump's trust like this without getting a book deal first. you're leaving money on the table, people! what are you doing? before maga world tears itself apart trying to figure out who's the rat, i think you all could consider the fact trump could be the leak because if there's one thing we're learned is he's the king of snitching on himself. for all we know he was price brg about it as the mar-a-lago cafe -- this chocolate cake is almost as unforgettable as the classified documents in my
basement, and it was the perfect crime! that's a real picture of him at if buffet. we have didn't create that. now if we had more time we would get into how trump had such a tight control on the republican party they were willing to put him above the law or convincing the search is justified but we don't have time because while trump is fighting off the f.b.i. two former trump officials are trying to dodge iranian assassins. >> a member of iran's elite revolutionary guard is charged in an alleged plot to murder former national security advisor john bolton. >> investigators say the alleged murder for hire plot began to take shape after this drone strike in iraq assassinated a general over two years ago, iran is having retaliation. a member of the revolutionary guard was offered $300,000 to
murder bolton. >> the is f.b.i. alledges he had a second job for $1 million, the target former secretary of state mike pompeo. >> trevor: that's right, america assassinated iran's top general, one of the country's most respected and feared men, around iran responded by trying to kill john bolton and mike pompeo? ( laughter ) ( audience reacts ) ( laughter ) it's not the same level. it's, like -- it's like if your wife slept with your best friend and you're like, oh, yeah? well i hooked up with the i.t. guy at your office! okay. ( laughter ) in some ways, it actually says something about how divided america is. yeah. that it has nobody as respected as soleimani was in iran. if anyone got assassinated in america half the country would be like, hell, yeah, thank you, iran! $300,000 for bolton but a
million for pompeo? ( laughter ) that's a big difference in price. i almost feel bad for john bolton. because i don't know what's worse, being on an assassin's hit list or having the assassin find you and the assassin jumping out like, john bolton! i'm looking for a more important person to kill! do you know where i could find him? yes, yes? point me in the direction. ( laughter ) if iran was willing to pay a million dollars to kill iran's secretary of state they should ask trump to do it. he was going to have his vice president killed for free. think about it. i feel bad for john bolton. yes he's trying to bomb other countries and brags about trying to overthrow government but being hunted by the iranians can't be fun. explains why he's wearing the stupid fake mustache the whole time. ( laughter ) it's real? sorry. my bad. ( laughter ) now if we had more time, we
could talk about how america sees nothing wrong with assassinating foreign officials whenever they look but acts surprise when other countries want revenge. you should have turned the other cheek! we don't have the time because when iran is trying to get rid of people, japan is trying to figure out how to had people to the population, the only problem is who they put in charge of that. >> japan put in place the female charged with reversing the dropping birth rated with a man who gained an understanding by wearing a simulated pregnancy belly for 24 hours, telling the reporters weiring the 16-pound prosthetic left him with sympathy for women and back pain. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this is the dumbest shit i've ever heard in my life. if having a big belly helped men understand women, the patriarchy
would be long gone. what are you talking about? that's the dumbest thing ever. what a bitch-ass. one day and he was, like, oh, my back! but aside from trying to miss doubt fire their falling population problem, japan is trying to everything to figure out why their people aren't having more babies. i'm not a scientist, but if you ask me, maybe it's because they invented the playstation. yeah. that thing has prevented more pregnancies than every condom, diaphragm and i.u.d. ever made ever! ( applause ) that's real birth control. yeah. he will be like, all right, baby, ready to have some sex? we'll have real sex tonight -- let me finish this mission. the r.p.g.! you boys get online! we're going all night! pain baby, you're probably going to want to live the rest of your
life without me. yeah! japan is an example of at some point your population will collapse if you're laws are so restricted or japan's secretary has a problem of raw dogging. we have to go to a break. before we do, we'll check in on the weather be desi lydic, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) so good to see you, desi. ( cheers and applause ) so, desi, you going to tell us about the weather? >> yes, trevor. let's talk about whether a man should be wearing a fake pregnancy belly. let me just say, as as someone who has been present, the belly is only 10% of the full experience. it would be more realistic if you wore the fake belly and got punched in the dick 36 hours
straight, then the dick got ripped off, then he had to raise that dick for 18 years. the miracle of life. at least he's trying, though. and that goes both ways. i've always said that, which is i have been trying to understand the male experience better by acting like a man. like i would be getting paid more for no reason, i have three friends named kyle, talking a lot about bitcoin even though i don't know anything about bitcoin. >> trevor: wow, desi, sounds like you really -- >> i have been interrupting people more. ( applause ) >> trevor: great. well, maybe -- >> it's easy once you get the hang of it. ( laughter ) >> trevor: so if we -- >> all you have to do is wait
until someone starts talking and then you start talking. >> trevor: desi, i know what interrupting is. it's when you speak on top of somebody else. >> uh, actually, trevor, it's when you interject before someone's completed their thought. >> trevor: desi, stop man splaining to me! just get to the wettish! >> okay, calm down! don't act crazy! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) take it easy! has anyone told you you should smile more? ( laughter ) give it a try. give it a try. let's see those dimples. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you know what, i'm just going to need a moment. so let's take a break. desi lydic, everybody. desi lydic. ( cheers and applause ) and when did we come back, roy wood, jr. will prove why summer is terrible. so don't go away. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, there's so much arguing in america today, but we here at "the daily show" think there could be even more. so to do our part here's ronny chieng with another installment of "prove me wrong." >> ice cream, vacations, long walks on the beach. i hate all that shit.
welcome to "prove me wrong," summer edition. ♪♪ ♪♪ >> summer is the worst season. "prove me wrong." >> well, i would say summer is the season where everyone is the happiest. during the summer everyone gets to come outside. >> everyone's shirt turns into a roshack test. >> everyone's sweaty and gross, we'll all equal. >> you're making a marxist argument for b.o. during summer. >> pretty much. >> sorry, this is the free world. the top one percent should not have b.o. >> how do you smell. >> dare me. i dare you. smell this shit right now. >> you smell like me, we're the same. >> that's not a compliment. >> pools are bert than oceans, prove me wrong. >> pools are sticky. they have nasty people, with their funky bodies and sweaty selves pop up in there. >> you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean.
you think whales are coming on land to take a shit. >> if they want to. >> no, they shit in the ocean. it's whales, jellyfish, sales, octopus, every (~bleep~) thing in there is shitting into your mouth. oceans are trying to pools that are trying to kill you. do you know how many shark sightings this week? five. >> did you see the shark? >> no. >> interesting. >> your argument is i didn't see the shark so therefore the ocean is safe? well good luck out there. >> i've never seen a shark at the beach myself. >> so you're a shock denier. >> no fish in pools either. but in the ocean i would be sustaining myself. fish coconuts and fish. >> you can't eat anything near the ocean, the sand gets in it. >> protein. >> put your money where your mouth is. this is food. this is your food on the beach. ( crunching )
>> is that good enough for you? >> okay, i've got bad news for you, there's no protein in sand. >> thanks for the fries. >> thanks, bro. >> pigeons are better than seagulls, prove me wrong. >> pigeons are rat with wings. genetically they used to be white but after dom thinksum and all these years they turned black to adapt to environments and they're so gross. >> why do you have to make it racial? i'm talking about them as seagulls not white or black. how many info wars do you watch. >> they used to be white but genetically -- >> people have been canceled for the rest of that. popsicles are gross. prove me wrong. >> why. >> at least you can't "deep throat" a filet. >> it preparation you for life. there's lots of work. there's lots of instances where you have to do things similarly
to eating a hospital. >> do you work in show business. >> no, but popsicles will good. good flavors. >> what? >> 50/50 bars. bomb pops. >> none of those are flavors. you tell me what flavor that is. >> this is great. i love grape. everybody hates on it but it's so good. >> grapes don't taste like that in real life. the guy who created the flavor grape clearly has never had a grape before. see, no, that's -- you ate it like a pelican. you didn't even chew it. how did you do that? it's sticking to your beard now. >> it's so good. >> yeah, see, that's -- no, man. popsicles are gross, you are gross. >> what you got against popsicles. >> they're messy and makes my hands sticky. >> don't eat it fast enough. >> yeah. >> can't put it in your mouth fast enough? >> why don't you demonstrate right now. ugh -- that's -- okay. >> no mess. i still even have my lip gloss
on. >> as much as i want to hate on that, that's actually pretty impressive. i feel like you actually did prove me wrong, so you know what? >> that's good? what's happening. >> all right. >> is that what i win? >> you get to wear the golden thong. you have now earned the right to take my place. >> no, i'm good. i'm wearing my own thong. >> you clearly proved me wrong. you have to take my place now. >> no. >> it's h highlander. take my spot! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much, ronny, stay tuned because when we come back abbi jacobson will be joining me on the show. don't go away! ( cheers and applause )
♪ ♪cold as ice♪ ♪melt my heart away in the summer time♪ ♪ she's cold as ice ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ cold as ice ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show. my guest tonight is actor, writer & producer, abbi jacobson. she's here to talk about co-creating and starring in the new series, "a league of their own," which premieres on prime video august 12th.
>> hi! it's us again. >> henry. >> hi! >> henry, okay, i need you to send this immediately. you need to make sure it goes out, all right. >> i will. >> immediately. >> don't open it. >> why would i open it. >> why did you even bring that up. >> i mean, is there someone else? this is sealed, to keep it that way. >> you're bad. henry's a bad boy. >> i don't plan on being bad. >> don't be bad, henry. >> please enjoy your stay. >> don't be bad! >> trevor: please welcome abbi jacobson! ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪ ♪♪ >> trevor: abbi jacobson! >> wow. wow. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." >> thanks for having me back. >> trevor: it is so good to have you back. last time you were on the show, we were talking about the end of broad city. >> 20 years ago.
>> trevor: it really feels like that. what i didn't know is you were embarking on a new journey to start league of their own and i love how you've taken a movie that's a classic and turned it into something that's super current to what's happening today but feels it's very much in touch with the original. >> i love to hear that, yeah. it's quite a classic. it's people's favorite movie. it's a lot of pressure. ( laughter ) >> trevor: it's huge. >> it's one of my favorite movies. it's why wind to do it. but, you know, it was made in 1992. >> trevor: right. >> it's a two-hour film. this is a tv version, we've a lot more real estate, and we wanted to tell a lot more stories. there's a lot of things that penny marshall hinted at in the film that it's like alluding to things. >> trevor: i feel like she had to do that, though. what's great is that the story talks about everything. it talks about sexuality. it talks about acceptance. it talks about, you know, even
that little nod to, oh, segregation, it's, like, you've got the fight for women's rights but black women are often excluded from that conversation, and you've gone i'm going to bring the conversations but not allude to them. >> no, we're going full on, no alluding. women playing baseball, i think some of them are going to be queer, i think. >> trevor: yes. >> i think so. and none of them were in the film, even though it's kind of iconic game movie. >> trevor: it really is. >> but no one's gay in it, rosy is in it, little touches, and the more research we did, the more we found out this was a really queer league and queer people didn't just show up at stonewall, like, we have been around forever, and the more research about queer culture in the fortas, we started to dive into the story. there's a scene in the film where there's a foul ball and a black woman picks it up and
chucks it back and it's, like, she's a great arm, and that's truly it. if you blink, you miss the scene. it's so short and in '92, i think penny couldn't tell that story as thoroughly as we can now. in that league, women of color were not allowed to try out or play. >> trevor: right. >> in this show we found out what happens when that door opens for my character and a lot of other white women and white passing women to play and what happens when the league closes. the other main character in the show and you will find out when you watch finds her own team and her character is loosely based on these three women who blade in the negro league. toney, mimi and connie. once i found out all about them that was the most exciting part to tell their story. >> trevor: i think you tell it well. i think it's very funny and brings so many stories together. you say the word research a lot.
you actually researched the league itself. you talked to women who played baseball and talked to them about their experiences. you had one of the most amazing moments where you shared the fact that you're year with a baseball legend, and she came out. >> yeah, so, again, we have been working on this since 2017, and research was such -- like, every it -- every iteration of the writers room, the department has access to the research and we met a lot of players from the league and the other softball players that are still around, and maybelle blair consulting with us on the baseball part, will gram who co-created it with me, we had a drink with her. she has this dive bar in california she loves and she brought us out to a 5:00 p.m. dinner. she's 95. >> trevor: she's 95 years old. this is a late night, you're 95
years old. >> and i was, like, we have to bring this up. i was, like, i'm queer, will was outing us all. i feel like that was missing from the film. there had to be queer characters, do you feel like that was missing from the film? and she took a breath and she was, like, well, you know, i'm gay and i've never said that to anybody and queer is not a term -- she said that was a slur back then. >> trevor: right. >> and she told us four years ago but we just premiered at pry bekaa in june and she came out publicly on stage. >> trevor: that's amazing. >> she's 95. and these stories we're telling in the show, i just feel very proud to be showing this kind of representation because i mean it took her -- it was an incredible moment but it also took her to be 95. so that shows how dangerous it was to be queer and still is to be queer and how important tots show these stories. >> trevor: i think that's what makes it so powerful is you use
the comedy to get us in. it's a really funny show. watch it for that reason alone if you want,eth super funny, but the reason you're going to stay is there's so much heart. it talks to the precarious nature of being queer and how you can and can't exist in certain spaces. it's like women have to step out of the spotlight where men are, like, we're coming back to take our league! you've done a great job. hope it goes for many seasons. hope to see you more and more. >> coming back in a couple of months. >> trevor: abbi jacobson, everybody! quick break, back after this! ( cheers and applause ) thank you again!
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight, but before we go, don't miss "hell of a week" with charlamagne tha god, it's been a week, and he's about to take it down. and it starts right now, so don't move! like right now! now! watch it! until next time -- stay safe out there, and remember -- your best friends could be wiretapping your conversations, so you should probably talk the trash straight to their face. now, here it is -- your moment of zen.
>> i if you could plan your last meal on earth what would it be. >> dog penis. i ate a whole plate it one time and i'm not doing that again. ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪